04x14 - Episode 14

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

Yeah? Yeah, well, he's
very busy right now.

I'll try to squeeze you in,
but it's not gonna be easy.

Who is he taking to?

The president.

Oh.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, hey, Mare, look at this.

Hey, hold it down, will ya?

Yeah, dinner next week.

Well, that sounds good.

Who's he taking to?

The president.

The president, nice.
Where's Mare?

Uh, in the kitchen.

So listen, Ron,

I'm a vegetarian, so just salad.

Jellybeans are okay.

Say hi to the little First Lady.

You betcha, Ronnie.

Oh, the president, you...

The president?
Give me that.

Hi, I loved you
in Death Valley Days.

Hello? He hung up.

What's the matter with you?
The president calls and that's it.

Will you relax? You're having
dinner at the White House.

What are you talking about,
dinner at the White House?

I want to know, that's...

Why was he talking
to the president?

He's your manager, remember?

Chuck, he cannot be my manager.

Burt, what's the matter?

Bob's my manager.

Oh, how nice.

He can't be my manager.

Burt, what's that?

I just made the cover
of News View.

Isn't that wonderful!

Chuck, look, the cover.

Yeah, who do you
think set it up?

Why do they call
you Bat Campbell?

I don't know, I don't know.

It's just that they thought that
Bat had more bite than Burt,

so they went for the bite
instead of the Burt.

[PHONE RINGS]

Yeah, this is his manager.

Who's calling?

Give me the phone.
Don't do that.

Hello, it's Bat Campbell here.

Oh-ho, oh-ho, when?

Oh, yeah, well, where?

Well, no. Sure, sure, sure.

No, just when?

Now?

Not now, later?
All right, sure. Where?

Burt, what is it?

Okay, right-o.
Bye-bye.

Who was that?

Norman Mailer.

He just wanted to know if

I'd autograph the book
he just wrote about me.

He hasn't even met you.

Never stopped him before.

Oh, by the way, you're speaking

at the police academy tonight,
so get a haircut.

Look, Chuck,
please, this is crazy.

Bob cannot be my manager.

What would the president think
if he thought I entrusted

my career to that stupid dummy
of yours?

Oh, that did it.

I've had it.

Chuck, get up and walk
out of here in a huff.

Right!

Dinner at the White House.

Mary, did you ever dream
in a million years

you'll have dinner
with the president?

Burt, do you realize
what you just did?

What?

You insulted them.

Them?

Chuck and Bob.
That was terrible.

Mary, he's a dummy.

Burt, they have lived
in this house all this time,

and you've never
called him that.

I think that you have
to apologize to him.

Uh, which one?

Chuck.

Burt, he's your son.

All right, all right,
I'll apologize.

All right?

Just that Bob gets so
holier-than-thou

when his feelings get hurt.

Burt, what's gotten into you.

Mmm, nothin'. What are
you talking about?

I don't think
I know you anymore.

No, I'm... Hey, Mare,
come on, Mare.

I know I seem different to you
now because I'm a hero,

but I'm still the same old guy
you married, Mare, really.

No, you're not, Burt.
You're not the same. You've changed.

You're not the same man
you were a week ago.

All right, all right, all right,
so I changed a little.

So what, Mare?

Mare, I got a chance now to do
something, like, wonderful.

I'm a hero.
People need heroes.

Maybe you don't like
the idea that I'm a hero,

but if they need a Bat Campbell,
they should have a Bat Campbell.

Mary, I got a chance
to do something good now.

Don't you understand?

No, I don't understand.

I don't understand at all.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Danny, Danny.

Ogh!

Easy there, Burt, I'm still
a little tender back there.

I'm sorry.
You know, I just forgot.

It's all right.

Burt.

Bat.

Bat.

The conquering hero.
Oh, jeez, I'm proud of ya.

I'm sorry I haven't been around
to see you lately, but...

Hey, don't worry about it,
no problem.

I, uh... Ugh!
I've been, uh...

I've been reading about you
in the newspapers,

and I saw you on TV.

You know, you look shorter
in real life than in person.

Really?

Yeah, but you've got
a good TV face.

Yeah, your face looks real good.

Of course, it could be
the antenna, but I don't think so.

Oh, Dan, how does it feel?

Well, sort of metal, you know,
those two thin metal rods

attached at the back of the set.

No, no, no, Dan, I'm talking
about the kidneys.

How's it working?

I really haven't had much
of a chance to use it yet.

The real test, I guess, would be
a couple of margaritas.

But the doctor says that
my body seems to be

accepting Chester's kidney.

Hey, Danny, you know,
that's terrific.

Yeah. Well, the trouble is...

I don't know whether
I've accepted it yet.

Danny, will you stop thinking
of this as Chester's kidney?

When it was inside Chester,
it was Chester's.

It's inside you, it's yours.

Possession is nine-tenths
of the law.

You know, Burt,
I just wanna tell you

that even though Chester
is my real father,

that nothing's changed
between you and me.

You're still my best buddy.

The guy I look up
to and respect.

Hey, Dan.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho.

Sorry, Danny, it's just...
You listen, that's right.

No matter whose kid you are,
I'm still your pops here, right?

Yeah.

I'm glad to hear you
talk that way

because I've been
thinking it over.

What?

Well, I don't want to hurt
Chester's feelings,

but I've decided that I want
you to be my best man

and Chester can give
away the bride.

Does that sound
reasonable to you?

Hey, that sounds fine.

That's reasonable.

Somebody getting married?

Me.

Hoo-hoo-hoooo!

Uh, anybody I know?

Of course, Gwen.

Gwen!

Gwen.

Well, sure, who else?

Dan, now listen up here.

The governor wants me to head up
his Crime Task Force, right?

Yeah.

So what happens if they find out

that my Deputy's wife
is... a hooker?

I mean, what happens?

What is the credibility?

Oh, big deal.

So we can't buy
on credit anymore.

No, no, no, no.

Credibility, I mean, who is
gonna entrust this country

to a man whose stepson
is married to a hooker?

All our hopes, all our dreams,
all our good intentions

go write down the drain,
and along with them, Danny,

the well-being of every American
goes down the drain too.

I don't understand this.

All right, I'll try it again.

Now, the governor has asked me
to be the head of his Crime...

No, no, Burt,
I understand that part.

I just can't believe
that you're telling me

I can't marry the woman I love.

Hey, I... No.

I didn't say never marry her.

I'm just saying just wait.

Just a little while.

Well, how long?

Until we wipe out
crime in America?

Goodbye, Burt.

Goodbye?

Danny!

I'm going home.

I'm going home to ask the woman
I love if she'll marry me.

So long, Bat.

Here we go,
welcome home, Chester.

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

My stitches, be careful.

Your stitches are out, Chester.

So is my kidney.

I have this big,
empty hole there.

I keep worrying that my right
lung will drop into it.

Now careful, careful.

Okay, all right.

Can I get you something to eat?

Oh, my doctor says I can only
have special things.

Oh, all right.

Little Jell-O.
Okay.

Cherry Jell-O.

Okay.

With a banana cut up in it.

Okay.

And grape juice with a straw.

Yeah, okay, okay.

And cinnamon toast.

Hello, Chester.

Hi. I'm still very weak
and have no appetite.

Chester, I'd like
to talk to you.

Oh, Jess, I almost d*ed.

Chester.

Chester, you didn't almost die.

Well, I could have.

I could have.

Well, you're going
to be just fine.

Now, Chester, I do need
to speak to you.

Oh, Jess, I could still die.

I could die right on this couch.

Chester.

I know...
You know.

Jess, you have to know that
I didn't even know who you were

when I was...
sleeping with Mary.

Really, I didn't even know
your name.

I thought it was Jennifer.

I did. I thought
your name was Jennifer.

Chester, you married me. You
married me without loving me,

and that's really
the awful part.

But I fell in love
with you, Jess. I did.

It... All right.

You're right, not at first.

At first, I thought
you were a nice piece,

and if I had to get married,
well, I could do a lot worse.

Always the romantic.

But I fell in love with you,
Jess. I swear I did.

Chester, you certainly had
peculiar ways of showing it.

Why, because I cheated?

Well, Jess, I'll always cheat.
I can't help it.

I cheated on you.

I cheated on the women
I cheated on you with.

I'll cheated on Annie.

Doesn't mean
that I didn't love you.

I loved you, Jess.

Guess I always will.

You did grow
to love me, Chester?

Very quickly, and very easily.

Then there's no necessity
for forgiveness.

What about Mary?

No.

I can't forgive Mary.

I'd like to, but in my heart
I cannot forgive Mary.

Ya!

Ah-ha!

All right.

[CHUCKLES]

You see, now when
you glaze El Puerco,

you must always glaze El Puerco
with long sweeping strokes.

Juan One, would you please

demonstrate to General Billy
how to glaze?

See that?

Up and down.
Up and down.

It's all in the wrist.

Oh.

Hey, hey.

It's all right.

Ah, Juan One, you are
a true artist.

The Picasso of Puerco.

You are too kind,
oh, great swine.

Why's pig-glazing included in
the Malaguayan training manual.

Because an army fights
on its stomach,

and that is why
we will eventually

defeat the Communists,
right, Juan One?

Sí.

The Communists don't eat, Juan?

They eat crap, or as we say
in Malaguay, crapola.

Juan One, that would
be all, thank you.

I can't wait to try it.
It smells delicious.

Oh, no, no, no.

This not for our consumption.

I have prepared
this Puerco for Saunders.

Why?

Because Saunders doesn't
like me very much.

Oh, no, no.

Yes, and I know your mother
looks up to him

and depends on him,
so I want him to like me.

Ah, speak of el diablo.

Ah, don't tell me:
it's a luau.

Saunders, I would like
to present to you,

in hopes of a lasting
friendship,

the pride of my peoples.

El puerco del Puerco.

Well, I must admit,
it does look delicious,

and I think I'm delighted
by your gesture.

Gracias, Signore El.

Qué bueno.

We have a little saying
in our country:

"There is no peace offering so
nice as a nice piece of pig."

Now, that's on par with, um,

"Let a smile
be your umbrella."

That was lovely!

All right.

Hey, Uncle Burt.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Mariachis, El Puerco.

Hey, everybody.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Hey! Choo-guddy,
choo-guddy, choo!

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Excuse me, do you mind here?

No offense, all right.

El Puerco, I need
to talk to you.

I got a very special mission,
and I need your help.

You need me?
I... I am honored.

Certainly, please.

Juan One.

I just got word that
Jodie and Maggie are being held prisoner

in a fortress in Malibu
and I gotta get them out.

Uncle Burt, why don't
you just call the police.

The police?

You are a hero.
You could call the Marines.

No, no, no, no, no,
I can't do that.

This is a very sticky situation
I'm talking about.

Look, Wendy was...

Wendy was born out of wedlock.

Now, if this hits the papers
and they pick up

on Jodie's...
alleged h*m*,

a lot of people
could get hurt here.

I don't want
anybody getting hurt.

This has got to be done
on the QT.

Ah.
Ah.

QT.

BURT:
All right.

No, I mean, we gotta get
in there and get them out

as quickly and as
quietly as possible.

As you know, I am an expert
on guerilla warfare.

I could possibly
give you some ideas.

That's why I'm here.
Ah!

I suggest we assemble our troops
and give each one a mission.

That's good.

And then, we call Israel
and ask them to do it.

I can't call Israel,
I don't speak Hebrew.

Besides, it's Friday
after sundown.

Nobody is going to pick up
a phone over there.

That's right.
It's Friday.

Attention!

At ease, men.

Major.

It has been brought
to my attention

that the Japanese
have landed at Malibu.

Hey, Major.

Now, it's a fact that they
can't hold their liquor.

They don't have
the stomach for it.

They are too fragile, too wispy.

[BURT MAKES TRUMPET SOUNDS]

It' true. Why do you think
they can't grow beards?

We infiltrate their ranks,
get them loaded,

and then when they're sleeping,
we call the Navy

and b*mb the beach.

Oh, that's great, Major.

I'll get the hooch.

Chief, I got an idea!

Will you guys please...

Silencio!

This is a free society.

All have the right to be heard.

Go ahead, Roberto.

Gracias.

Skunks!

We get hundreds
and hundreds of skunks.

You know, you drop them
all over the place everywhere.

Where do we get these hundreds
and hundreds of skunks?

Well, it's still
in the planning stages.

Gentlemen, excuse me, If you
don't mind my saying so,

I've had experience
in this sort of thing.

Really, how?

I'm not at liberty to tell.

Come on, Saunders, come on,
you're among family.

Please.

Saunders, you've been
on rescue missions before?

Silencio!

Now, trust me, I know
what I'm talking about.

This is what I think
we ought to do.

First, we secure the plans
to the fortress.

DANNY:
Gwen?

[SQUEAKS]

Get rid of him.

Can't you leave
him alone already?

You and I gotta talk, Gwenny.

Hey...

I said get rid of him.

One word about this,
and I'll k*ll him.

DANNY: Hey, Gwen,
are you in there?

Don't come in.
I'm naked!

I thought you said
you were naked.

I was. I just
threw this on

because I knew you'd come in.

Ahh, I've wanted
to hold you for so long.

Oh, Danny, thank God
your home. Get out.

What?

The wine, the champagne.

Get out a bottle,
and we'll celebrate.

I thought you were coming
to the hospital today to pick me up.

What happened?

I was held up.

Come here.

Where?

Here.

No, no, no.
No, not now.

When you're all better, tonight.

I won't be all better tonight.

I will be.

I'll be more relaxed.
I'm so excited now.

I can't go to bed
when I'm excited.

Gwen,

I want you to marry me.

Oh, Danny, you do?

Can't!

What?

Um, not today.
Today is bad.

Tomorrow.
I'll marry you tomorrow.

You will?

Yeah, I will.
Now go.

Where?

Uh, to get, uh, your blood test.

I can't marry you
without a blood test.

I'm an old-fashioned girl.

My blood's fine, and I just
got out of the hospital.

Then go to the printer
because we'll need invitations.

I know! We'll elope.
I always wanted to elope.

Great, elope.

Now get out.

Why?

Uh, we'll need a car.

What for?

So we can elope.
We can't elope without a car.

Elope. Boy, that's exciting.

I never eloped before.

Great!
Me neither.

Now, go and get a car
and make sure that it's a nice car.

Test-drive it
for a little while.

But...
And make sure

that it's the right color,

and if it's not the right color,
have it painted.

Bye.

Oh, where are you going?

I need my g*n.

Uh, no, you don't.

They take master charge.

I'm a cop, Gwen.

I should always have my g*n.

No, it's too dangerous.
You'll get hurt.

No g*ns,
not on your first day home.

Just one day without a g*n,
okay?

Okay.

Go get us a nice car.

See ya.

See you.

You did just fine, Gwenny.

Don't make me do this.

Sorry, Gwenny,

but if Sheriff Campbell
is gonna fight crime,

we gotta know how.

We gotta get him first.

And what better way to get info

than from the good sheriff's
daughter-in-law.

I hate you.

Be nice, Gwenny.

And do like I say.

And maybe it will be a long time
till death do you part.

ANNOUNCER: Will Saunders' plan
to rescue Jodie and Maggie work?

Or does he just want
some time off?

Will Burt actually prevent
Danny from marrying Gwen?

Or has someone else
beaten him to it?

And what's happening to Burt?

Is he forsaking his family?

Will Gwen forsake Danny?

Will Jessica forgive Mary?

These questions and many others

will be answered in the next
episode of Soap.

[♪]