04x16 - Episode 16

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
This is the story of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

So when I was ,

we moved from Cheyenne
to Calabasas.

You ever been to Calabasas?

I can't take much more of this.

You don't have to.

We're gonna die soon.

[DRILLING]

What is that?

Mice. It's mice.

Mice? That's pretty big mice!

JODIE:
Burt!

Don't say a word.

They're right outside.

Burt, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

I'm the Roto-Rooter man.

We're being rescued.
We're actually being rescued.

You guys okay?

We're okay now.
Have you seen Wendy?

No, they're working on it.

Let's cool down.

Maggie, Jodie!

Thank you!

Excuse me, we haven't
been properly introduced.

Right, hi there.

There's a guard right outside...

DUTCH:
Hey! Jodie! Maggie!

Shut up!
Quiet!

How's it goin'?

Dutch!
Will you...

Jeez, they give you
a terrible room.

Dutch, will you please
keep it down?

Are you guys okay?

Terrific.
Oh, great.

Now, there's a guard...

This place was hard to find!

We believe it.
Now, listen.

Hey, who's the old guy?

He'll tell you later!

Hi, old man.
Hi there.

Dutch, will you stop!

BILLY:
We have come!

Or, as my esteemed
leader would say,

"Enchiladas rancheros."

Listen, there's a door...

Hey, Jodie, you feeling okay?

Fine.

Hey, Billy, you remember
Maggie, don't ya?

I can't tell you what we went
through finding this place.

I heard.

Listen.
This is it!

EL:
I never thought we'd find this place!

You wouldn't believe
what we went through.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Fine.

Why is everybody coming in here?

Why?

Señor Valdez,
we are very grateful.

Oh, no problem.

You know, as I always say,

"When there is a maiden
in distress..."

"El Puerco will get
into her dress."

What?!

I always wanted to say that.

And I'm glad it's finally
out of my system.

You guys are supposed
to be outside.

Will you get out there?

Yech! What a dump!

Ugh.

I should have brought the dip.

Listen, fellas...

You wouldn't believe what we
went through to find this place.

Hey, Juan, you remember
Maggie, don't ya?

Ah, sí, buenos noches.

BOB:
We were very worried about you, Jodie.

Hey, Chuck, you remember
Maggie, don't ya?

[GROWLS]

Stop-o.

Zip-o.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Listen here, now.

In a little while,
they're gonna be on to us...

[SCREAMING]

Now we're all gonna die.

What happened?

Major?

Major, if this is
your idea of a joke?

MINJA GUARD:
Nice try, sheriff.

That's not the Major.

So, you have failed again,
Mr. Dallas.

You have failed to retrieve
your daughter,

and now you have failed
to escape.

You must realize
you cannot defeat

a Minja Sama.

Now you shall...
Oh! Ho.

[GIBBERISH]

The keys.
Get the keys.

BURT:
Don't shout!

Oh, Wendy.
Oh!

All right.

If you don't mind my saying so,

we've worn out our welcome here.

So let us get the hell out.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Saunders,

how can we thank you?

Something from Tiffany's
would be nice.

Oh, listen,
hey, old-paly,

if you wanna come along,
there's room in the camper.

Oh, you're...
You're too kind.

You know, it's been
years since I've seen the light of day.

Your skin looks wonderful.

Say, tell me, how's President
Eisenhower doing these days?

Gee, I'm sorry to tell you,
but Ike's passed on.

Oh, my God.

That means that Nixon
is president.

[♪]

Okay, now, you're sure
you're not feeling faint?

No, I'm fine.

Oh, good. Okay.

Oh!

She just fainted
five minutes ago.

She's a fainter.

She's always been a fainter.

You should have seen her.

Her eyes rolled back
in her head.

She looked like Orphan Annie.

Put your head
between your knees.

You're talking to me?

No.

I didn't know the eyes
rolled back.

That part surprised me.

She has fainted all her life.

If we added it up, she's been
two, three years out cold.

She's going to be okay,
thank you.

Mary, I cannot believe

you haven't outgrown
this fainting business.

Oh, Jess, you're talking to me.

Head down.

You fainted over everything,
everywhere we went.

To the dentist,
the movies, the zoo.

I have spent half my life
picking you up off the floor.

Jess, I need you so.

I'm in trouble.
My life is a mess.

I don't know what to do.

The baby might be an alien.
Burt barely speaks to me.

And I've started drinking.

Mary, are you just saying this
to get back on my good side?

Oh, Jessie, I've missed you so.

Well, Mary, I've missed you too.

You have?

Yes.

Yes, I have.
Oh! Oh, Mary.

Oh, Mary, when we broke up,
I just didn't know what to do,

because I couldn't
go to my best friend

and tell her about my sister,

and I couldn't go to my sister

and tell her
about my best friend,

because you were both,
and I didn't have anybody

to talk to.

Me neither.

Jess, you do understand about
Chester, don't you?

I mean, there didn't seem
any point,

except possibly to hurt...

I didn't want to do that.

I know, Mary.

Well, it was just
one of those times

when there was no
terrific thing to do.

I mean, to tell me
or not to tell me,

both of them were terrible.

It's okay, Mary.
I understand now.

Jess.

Mwah!

So... what's all this
about your life?

I drink a lot, Jess.

Well, Mary, you should.
The body needs fluids.

See, you can go for weeks
without eating,

but only a couple of days
without drinking.

Then your tongue turns black
and falls out of your head.

No, Jess, alcohol.
I think I'm an alcoholic.

You are not an alcoholic.

Now, what's this about
the baby being an alien?

He does odd things, Jess.

Mary, drunks see things.

Jessica, I am not seeing things.

They're real.

Mary, are you asking me to trust
an alcoholic about this?

Believe me, it is not the baby.

It's the bourbon.

The baby is just fine.

Now, what about Burt?

What's the matter
with you and Burt?

I'm afraid I'm losing him.

Well, Mary, if you keep drinking
and seeing things,

can you blame him?

They're real, Jess. Really.

I mean, it started
before the drinking.

Burt and the baby,
it started before.

It did?

Yes.

Come on, Mary, let's go.

We've got a lot to talk about.

We can't talk about it here.
Let's have lunch.

We'll talk about it
over a drink.

So, what do you think?

I think I'm in shock.

What's so shocking?

You asked me to marry you.

Now I'm asking you to marry me.

Maggie, I asked you to marry me

when I thought
we were gonna die.

I meant it at the time.

I mean, it's not like I thought,

"What the hell,
we're gonna die anyway."

Well, you haven't asked me since
we made love in the dungeon.

So I thought I would ask you.

Will you marry me?

Maggie, it's not that
I don't want to.

It's just that,
I don't think you understand

everything that's involved here.

So you're saying that
you do want to...

Maggie, don't you understand?
I don't know what I am.

What if, in two years,
I fall in love with another man?

What if, in two years,

I fall in love with another man?

That's normal.

But that's not normal for me.

I don't fall in love with men.

I love you.
I want to marry you.

Maggie, I'm afraid.

Jodie, you are not a fruit cup.

How do you know?
How do you...

I don't even know that!

So this is it?

This is goodbye?

Maggie, what about therapy?

I don't need it.

For me. For me
to be sure... about me.

Jodie, you don't just
go to a shrink

and get straightened out
in a day.

Maggie, I want you to wait.

But I don't feel
that I can ask you to wait.

Will you wait?

Jodie, I love you.

Maggie, I love you.

I just wanna be sure
that I always will.

[KNOCKS ON COUNTER]

Hiya, Jodie.

Uh, hey, Phillip.

Haven't seen you,
uh, around lately.

Yeah, I have been
kind of here and there.

This is, uh, interesting.

Uh, Maggie, this is Phillip.

Phillip, this is Maggie,
my fiancée.

Hi, Phil.

This is a joke, right?

I beg your pardon?

Listen, Phil, it was
really nice seeing you again.

Oh, yeah, right, sure.

Uh, Jodie...

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

Of course it's a real
woman, you idiot.

[SPEAKS ASIAN DIALECT]

ALL:
Sheriff! Sheriff! Sheriff!

All right, knock it off.

Now, I told you,

nobody gets called on
if they stand up.

You must sit down.

And raise your hand.

Man in the leisure suit.

Sheriff, when you had dinner
at the White House,

what did you talk about?

Crime and veal.

Would you elaborate on that?

Well, we voted the veal
is better in the east.

It's more tender.

And that, uh, crime is very bad.

All right, this guy over here

with all the gold chains.

Sheriff,
I'm from People Magazine,

we'd, uh, like to know, uh,
what you sleep in.

A bed.

A bed!

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen,

but this press conference
is over.

[GROANS]

Sheriff Campbell has business
to take care of.

There'll be another one
again soon.

Come on.

All right, let's go, let's go.

Next time, wear ties.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Okay. There ya go.

Danny, I'm so glad to see you.

Where you been?

It's been a couple of days.

Look, all right.

I'm sorry for what I said.

I-I-I take it
all back.

You and Gwen,
it's fine. It's...

So what'd you do, you eloped?

We didn't elope, Burt.

Good, thank God, because that
was a terrible idea.

How'd you do it?

What'd you say?

Well, they asked me about my dinner
at the White House. I told them.

Nah, come on, don't play games.
What'd you say?

Well, that it was lovely.

That we had veal parmesan
and broccoli.

To Gwen.

What did you say to Gwen?

What? Wait a minute, I didn't...
I haven't... I didn't...

You told her something, Burt.

You told her something
to make her go away.

Now, I wanna know
what it was and where she is!

Danny, I'm telling...
Listen, I'm swearing to you.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

I didn't see her, I didn't
talk to... What's up?

She's gone.

I went out to rent a car,
and when I came back, she was gone.

She was gonna marry me, Burt.
And then you tell me

you think it's a bad idea,
and then she disappears.

Now, what the hell
did you say to her?

Did you tell her to leave
for me, huh? For my career?

What the hell did you say, Burt?

Danny listen to me.
Now, listen. I swear,

I swear that I said
nothing to her.

I haven't seen her, Danny.

That was a terrific news
conference, sheriff.

Yeah fine, Perkins...

Boy, those answers were great.

Bed! I love that!
You sleep in a bed.

Ha-ha. Great answers!

Did you come in here

just to kinda
sh**t the breeze or what?

Oh, no, I brought the mail, sir.

Uh, there's some fan letters,

uh, your subscription
to g*ns and a*mo has started.

Thank you, Perkins,
you can leave now.

One from Bill Buckley.
I'd read it right away.

And a letter
from your girlfriend.

Perkins.

Yes, sir?

Could you go?

Sure.

Now?

I'm sor...

"Dear Danny, I can't marry you.
I don't love you.

"I never have.
You're just a good friend.

That's all. Gwen."

Danny, I'm sorry. I had
nothing to do with this.

I would never hurt you
like this.

Danny, I am...
I'm sorry.

Guess I owe you an apology.

No, just forget about that.

What is it, Burt?

What the hell happens?

Elaine gets m*rder*d,
Polly leaves me, and now Gwen.

Every time I fall in love,
something happens.

Is this the way it's gonna be
for the rest of my life?

Am I gonna be alone forever?

Come on, Danny.
What are you talking...

[PHONE RINGS]

Wait a minute.

Hi-ho, Bat Campbell here.

Whoopsie-do, governor.
How are ya?

Hoo-hoo!

No, busy. Am I?
Of course I'm not busy.

Whatever you... Go ahead.

Golf?

Oh! When?

Sunday, you got it!
Golf, I love golf.

I love the shirts.

Have a seat, Mr. Dallas.

Dr. Rudolph will be with you
in just a minute.

Thank you.

Ooh!

Hello.

Dr. Rudolph?

Hello.

I'm Jodie Dallas...
I'm sorry,

my palms are a little
sweaty. I'm nervous.

I take it this is
your first therapy season.

You could tell.

It's perfectly normal to be
a little nervous the first time.

Oh, good.

Therapy can be
pretty terrifying,

or it can be really...

Everybody down!

What is it?

Bees.

What?

Bees.

Where?

All around us!

Get back!

Get back!

I take it you're not the doctor.

They're gone.

But they'll be back.

They always come back.
Bees are animals.

They're back.
Get away from me.

Ooh! Get them off!

It's pretty unusual for this
time of the year, isn't it?

Ow!

What?

I'm stung...

right on the beeper!

Do something.

Help me! Help me!

Uh, how about a little
calamine lotion?

What?

Look, uh, a little
calamine lotion.

Are you crazy?

That bottle is completely empty.

I'm getting out of here.

Okay, that's it.

Mr. Dallas.

H-h-hi. Hi.

I'm feeling much better now.
Thank you.

I know. Everyone's a little
nervous the first time.

Dr. Rudolph?

Yes.

Hi.

Uh, can I ask you something?

That guy who just left here...

Bigelow. Nice fella.
Hates bees.

What seems to be troubling you?

Nothing.

This is gonna be
a short session.

Well. Have a seat.

See, I don't, uh...

I don't see bees
flying around or anything.

I'm a pretty normal guy.

I see. But there must be
some reason why you're here.

Yes.

I wanna get married.

To me?

No, you see, I'm gay.
Or I used to be gay.

I don't know, but I know
I'm in love with a woman,

and I wanna marry her.

Why don't ya?

Because it wouldn't
be fair to her.

Say we had a child,
and in two years,

I fall in love with another man.

Do you want children?

Oh yeah, that's why I have one.

You have a child?

Mm-hm. But not by her,
by another woman.

Let me get his straight.

You have a child by one woman,

but you want to marry
another woman

and someday
have children with her,

and you're worried
about being gay.

The other woman doesn't count,
because it wasn't love.

That's a whole other story.

Story?

Sounds like a miniseries.

So I thought I would come
to a shrink...

I beg your pardon.

Oh, that's perfectly all right.

I don't mind being called
a shrink.

I call my shrink a shrink.

You've have a shrink?

Shrinks can't have shrinks?

Yeah, sure,
I... I guess that's normal.

I mean, you spend all day

listening
to everybody's problems,

I imagine you'd go
a little bananas.

We don't like
to use the term "bananas."

"Bananas" and "crackers."

Sorry.

It's all right.
It's perfectly true.

If I didn't have a shrink,
I probably would go bananas.

So you'll help me?

Well, we can work on this,
and in time,

I think we can come
to some conclusions.

How long?

Depends.

May take a matter of months
or a matter of years.

Most likely the latter.

I can't ask Maggie
to wait years for me.

Mr. Dallas,
there are no shortcuts.

What about hypnosis?

You know, I read that
some woman some place

was brought back to another life
or something,

and in a matter of moments,
it became clear

as to why she cried
every time she wore a hat.

Hypnotherapy is a tool,

but it's not always effective,
Mr. Dallas. There are dangers.

Like what?

Well, it is conceivable
that I couldn't bring you back.

You could actually get locked
into a different time period.

And I'd get sued up the gi-gi.

I'd sign a waver releasing you
of all liabilities.

Then again, hypnotherapy can
prove to be extremely valuable.

Would you be interested
in some other forms

of psychiatric shortcuts?

Like what?

Oh, the, uh, sensory
deprivation t*nk.

What's this?

Trust me, you'll love it.

Sign right there.

Then there's LSD .

A very fine alternative.

No, no acid.

I draw the line
at hallucinogenics.

Great, just testing.
It's illegal anyway.

Well, uh, when can
I begin treatment?

Now, that's the hard part.

Let me see when I can
possibly get to you.

Oh, tomorrow would be great.

What luck! I just happen
to have free time tomorrow.

That's terrific.

Same time tomorrow?

Great, see you then.

Uh, doctor...

Sorry, we don't validate.

Cancel my appointment
for tomorrow at this time.

Have we got a hot one.
This guy actually signs wavers!

ANNOUNCER:
Since the psychiatrist convinced Jodie

that hypnosis might help him
find himself,

will Jodie find
anything he likes?

And if not, will he still
pay his doctor's bill?

Now that Jessica and Mary
started speaking again,

will Mary stop drinking?

Or will she continue to find
solace in a bottle?

Will Burt's newfound fame cause
his ego to grow?

And if so, will he have to find
a bigger office?

These questions and many others

will be answered
in the next episode of Soap.

[♪]