03x04 - Yours, Very Deadly

[bunniefuu]

♪ Some walk by night ♪ ♪ some fly by day ♪ ♪ nothing could change you ♪ ♪ set and sure of the way ♪ ♪ there is the sun and moon ♪ ♪ they sing their own sweet tune ♪ ♪ watch them when dawn is new ♪ ♪ sharing one space ♪ ♪ we'll walk by night, babe ♪ ♪ we'll fly by day ♪ ♪ moonlighting strangers ♪ ♪ who just met on the way ♪♪ you must be the unhappy bride.

If I had known throwing this party for you would depress you so, I never would have invited you.

I'm not depressed.

What makes you think I'm depressed?

I don't know.

Could be that black cloud over your head, or the way your chin keeps dragging on the ground, or the way you keep belting down that gin.

It's a party.

I want you to have a good time.

I am having a good time.

What's this?

I don't know.

What is it?

Why don't you open it and see?

I don't know.

Thank you.

Happy anniversary.

It's a cruise.

Around the world.

You've given me ten years.

The least I can give you is six months.

♪Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ I say shake, rattle, and roll ♪ ♪ I say shake, rattle, and roll ♪ ♪ what's up, kids?

♪ ♪ I say shake, rattle, and roll ♪♪ what's the scheme, team?

Fire drill?

La dolce dipesto! You allow this kind of thing to happen in your office?

Me?

Well, I didn't say it was a bad thing, did i?

Too much time in the huddle.

Mr.

Hayes miss addison close enough.

Haven't you ever heard of a fire escape?

The times called.

They said your radiator's on the blink.

Your pool man called, wants to know if you want to renew your subscription.

The mechanic called.

He said it was, uh time for more chlorine.

Miss dipesto! I'd like to see you in my office.

And I think david and mr viola.

Herbert viola.

Herbert viola might also want to have a conversation, as well.

We might?

Of course we might.

Into the woodshed, viola.

Seems like there's a paddle with your name on it.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I'm sorry.

That's not why I called you in here.

Well, I'm sorry anyway?

You want to tell me how it happened?

No.

Agnes, don't be embarrassed.

You can talk to me.

Did he hurt you?

Did he force himself on you?

He just grabbed you and kissed you and threw you on the desk and forced you to return his affections?

No, I grabbed him and kissed him and threw him on the desk and forced him to return my affections.

You don't think he'll press charges, do you?

I was thinking, maybe I could get some of the other girls to swear that they'd been on a desk with him, too.

She att*cked him

- What are you doing?

Wait a second.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No hitting below the knuckle.

There! Beg for mercy, you digit! It's all over.

Clean out your locker and go home.

One more time?

Didn't you hear what I said?

She att*cked him! She?

She! See?

I told him, ms.

Hayes, but he wouldn't listen to me.

Is this what you've been doing for the past are you kidding?

I've been grilling him every which way.

We're just taking a break, that's all.

Why do I find that hard to believe?

Who knows?

I pelted him with stones.

I stitched a scarlet "k" on his shirt so everybody would know what kind of knucklehead he was.

Miss hayes, mr.

Addison.

Oh hello again.

Miss dipesto, what is it?

There's someone here to see you.

Who?

Huh?

Well, show whoever it is in.

Ahh! So what are we going to do about it?

About what?

About what?

Thanks.

Madelyn, madelyn

- David, save it.

I know this conversation by heart.

It's two parts "lighten up," and 10 parts what my gardner spreads on the lawn every spring.

Excuse me.

I'm not certain if this is the office I was supposed to walk into or not.

The receptionist was running by me so fast.

Oh, come right in.

I'm madelyn hayes, and this is my associate david addison.

How you doing?

Have a seat, please.

Thank you.

My name is gail woodley.

I don't quite know how to do this.

I've been married for 10 years

- My husband is a very nice man.

I love my husband.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that I would never do anything to harm our marriage, and I would never do anything to harm him, never.

I have never cheated.

I have never even thought about it.

Not seriously anyway.

Anyway, about I received a letter.

There was no return address on it, just a post office box.

It was typewritten, addressed to me.

It was written by this person

-This man

- Who says he knows me, knows all about me.

He knows the dress that I wore last thursday, he knows the blouse that I wore the monday before that.

He says he likes the smell of my perfume.

He likes to spend his days imagining well, you can figure the rest of that out.

There were other things, too.

It was quite a letter.

Needless to say, I do not know who this person is.

It could be anyone.

It could've been the man who fills my car at the gas station, it could have been the fellow behind the meat counter at the market.

It could've been anyone.

He knows me and clearly wants to get to know me better.

I was a little frightened at first.

I put the letter away.

And then about a week later, I took it out and read it.

The more I reread it, the more intrigued I became.

It seemed so anonymous.

So reckless.

Then one rainy afternoon, I sat down, and I wrote him back.

I gave it to the postman because I was afraid I'd change my mind at the mailbox.

And I waited.

A week later, I received his letter.

Only this time, it was more personal.

It was more intimate.

I found myself racing to the mailbox every morning, hoping to find another letter.

I'd see men looking at me on the street, and I'd wonder if that was him.

I would wonder if he was thinking about what I had written to him.

It just seemed so harmless.

So what happened?

About a month ago, our 10th wedding anniversary, my husband surprises me with a gift

- A cruise around the world for six months.

Somehow my friend finds out, and he wasn't pleased.

Didn't I realize that the mail could be delayed for weeks on a cruise ship as it moves from port to port?

And how could I possibly write him back if I'm with my husband every minute of the day?

He said he couldn't possibly stand not communicating with me for six months.

He told me I shouldn't go, I couldn't go.

I told him I had to go.

His next letter was angrier.

He told me to leave my husband.

And his last letter suggested something darker still.

What would you like us to do?

I want you to find him and stop him! I'm not about to leave my husband.

I'm not about to do any of the things that he suggested.

I'm scared.

I mean, he has my address.

What's to stop him from phoning me, or for that matter, showing up at my home?

It started out as being fun, kind of like making love with a blindfold on.

But this isn't fun anymore.

How long do you think this is going to take?

I don't know, how long?

How many days?

How many days are we gonna have to get up at 6:00 in the morning and drive down to the post office and sit beside a post office box to wait and see if some crank is gonna show up to pick up his mail?

Well, I don't know.

Could be a couple days.

Could be a couple weeks.

You got a better way to catch this romeo?

Look at the bright side

- For who knows how many mornings, mine will be the first face you'll see.

You know, this is good practice.

When we start showering together, which side do you want me to scrub first?

All right, I give up.

What's with you today?

The world's with me.

The world?

Is that all?

Never mind.

Forget it.

You wouldn't understand.

Ok.

David, what's going on in the world?

In the world?

Well, you got your arms race.

You got your assorted diseases.

You still got your apartheid down there in south africa.

What "what" were you referring to?

Maybe it's not the world.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe what's you?

Maybe I'm the only one who gets upset about seeing a secretary lay a man across her desk like a blotter or chase him around an office like pepé le pew.

Maybe I'm the only one who finds it strange when a married woman walks in and tells us she wants to stop an affair that she's having through the mail.

Can you blame her?

Those little envelopes kinda limit the possibilities.

Oh, david, nothing makes sense anymore.

What's happened to all the rules?

You meet someone.

You flirt with them a little.

You flirt with them alittle more.

You go out.

You fall in love.

You get married.

You stay married.

What's happened to all of that?

What's happened to romance?

Have you looked at a calendar lately?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means this is the eighties, maddie, and in the eighties, you take your romance where you can find it.

And if that means a 22

-Cent stamp, fine.

If it means a buck to rent an adult video, that's fine, too.

Maybe it's a $2.

00 Toll call to someone you never met who would say things you would never utter to someone you know.

It's all romance.

That's not romance.

That's dirty solitaire.

Yeah.

These are great times we're living in, huh?

It no longer takes two to tango.

Exactly 7:00 a.

M.

I love this country.

You're awfully happy for someone who's going to sit on a cold marble floor for hours, days, weeks.

Sure I'm happy.

I love post offices.

When I was in junior high, post office was my game.

"4692.

" The little scoundrel.

Now what?

Now we wait.

I watch.

You walk.

How were the wanted posters?

They left me wanting.

Still haven't made the top 10?

What can I say?

I'm doomed to be under

-Appreciated.

Bye.

I've written my mother, my father, my aunt grace well, at least you won't have too far to go to mail them.

What are you writing now?

My will.

This place is making me suicidal.

Oh, yeah?

Make sure you leave me something.

Consider yourself left.

Oh, excuse me.

Come on.

Our mystery guest just signed in.

That's him

- The dapper

-Looking vagrant studying that letter from publisher's clearing house.

Listen, keep an eye on him.

If he gets on the bus, get the number.

I'm gonna go get the car.

I don't know, david.

Sure you do.

He looks just like me.

No, I mean, I don't know, david.

This man doesn't look like I expected this man to look.

What did you expect this man to look like?

I don't know.

Well

-To

-Do.

Or at least better

-To

-Do.

Like he took a bath once in a while.

Wait a second.

Put your seats in full upright position.

We may be coming in for a landing.

Well it's either mrs.

G.

Brown or mr.

P.

Mason.

Come on.

Come on what?

What are we going to do?

Come on, we're gonna go talk to him.

What's a matter with you?

I don't know.

This place.

I mean, I wasn't expecting him to live here, in a place like this.

I mean, the letters were so well written.

What are you talking about?

You think they give you some kind of an illiteracy test to move into a place like this?

Maddie, this is a hovel.

Lots of your major writers lived, worked, and d*ed in hovels.

It makes sense.

It computes.

We're just gonna have a little chat with this guy.

Yo! Mr.

Macy.

Mr.

Macy, can we speak to you?

If we could just speak to you for a minute, sir.

If you'll just open this door.

What are you doing?

I'm getting ready to break this door down.

Break this door down?

You can't do that.

Why not?

Because it's not our door, it's his door.

You can't go around breaking other people's doors down.

We'll get him a new door.

But this is his door.

What if he likes his door, david?

Maddie, do you realize

- And down the fire escape.

End of discussion.

I hope we didn't disturb you, sir.

Ok, we'll do it your way.

I have three messages to deliver from a mrs.

Gail woodley.

Message number one, stop writing her.

Message number two, don't even think about threatening her or her husband.

Message number three, we know who you are and where you live.

Capisce?

You don't seem to understand, mr.

Macy.

We have a little problem here.

You see, I don't get paid until I deliver this message, and I'm not gonna be sure I delivered this message until I see you turn around.

So why don't you just turn around or I'm gonna be forced to finish kicking this door in! No more letters, and no more threats.

Well, say something.

Uhh! Uhh! David, he's mrs.

Woodley.

Gail?

Gail?

We work for gail.

She's not going to write you anymore.

She doesn't want you to write, either.

You frighten her.

No.

No, you do.

See, it's a game.

That's all.

A game.

Understand?

Mr.

Macy, look at me.

She doesn't love you.

She never did.

She thought it wasfun.

That's all.

Now it's not fun anymore.

Now she wants you to go away and leave her alone.

Understand?

Do you understand?

Mr.

Macy.

Mr.

Macy

- He understands.

Here.

This is for the door.

I hate this job.

Mr.

Addison in yet?

Yes.

Yes.

Ms.

Dipesto?

Mr.

Viola.

Help me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Help me.

Knock it off.

I got an idea! Excuse me?

An idea, you know, an original thought.

You've heard of them.

Anyway, I was just lying in my bed last night, just lying there feeling terrible about having to tell that poor man that he couldn't write mrs.

Woodley anymore, when suddenly, ba

-Bing! I get this idea.

Ba

-What?

Huh?

Ba

-What?

I thought I just heard you say "ba

-Bing.

" Ba

-Bing?

Ba

-Bing.

So what if I did say ba

-Bing?

So what?

Anyway, david, I suddenly realized why are you looking at me like that?

Huh?

Why are looking at me like that?

You're doing me.

I'm what?

You're doing me, maddie.

You come in here, you slam the door, you say ba

-Bing, you sit on the corner of that desk I know what I'm talking about, maddie hayes.

This is not just some idea I plucked out of the air willy

- Now I'm doing you! David, are you all right?

Trust me, maddie.

We're doing this backwards.

We'll just go out into your office and start all over again.

There are just certain things that happen certain ways.

You sleep at night, wake up in the morning.

You kiss before you pet, I say ba

-Bing, you say excuse me.

And it all happens in your office, and that is just the way it is.

Now, tell me about this idea.

Well, it's really very simple.

Simple, but a little crazy.

The long of the short of it is, I want to go back to mrs.

Woodley and ask her to keep writing to that man.

You want to what?

I want to ask mrs.

Woodley if she'll consider writing to that man and letting him write to her.

Write?

Right.

Write?

Right! Maddie, that woman just paid us a good deal of money to stop those letters from coming to her house.

I know.

Then why would she be interested in starting them up again?

Because you and I will tell her it's the right thing to do.

We will?

We will.

Maddie, be realistic.

The man threatened her husband's life.

Oh, come on, david! You met that poor little man! He's not going to hurt anybody.

So he said some frightening things in his last few letters.

But that was only because he was convinced he was going to lose something precious to him.

This is a crazy idea.

It's a romantic idea, a wonderfully romantic idea.

What's the harm in him writing letters or dreaming about the color of her dress or the smell of her perfume?

This isn't a love anybody expects to be consummated.

It's a love from afar.

It ain't a love from a

-Anywhere.

He's a nut.

Whether he's a disabled nut or a sympathetic nut or chock full of nuts, he's a nut! Take it from your old buddy, dry roasted dave.

Let's leave well enough alone.

We did our job, and let's leave it at that.

Where are you going?

To mrs.

Woodley's.

Are you coming?

Nope.

Are you coming?

N

- O.

David! No! Come on.

You knew I was going to go.

We still got half a show left.

David, what's that?

What's what?

Looks like this joint's a hot ticket.

David, you don't think that's there's only one way to find out.

Hello, officer.

We're from cleveland mutual life.

I understand you have a policyholder inside in dire need.

Woodley.

W

- O

-O

-D

-L

-E

-Y.

Gail.

Blunt instrument.

There's some blood on the bedroom phone, so we're bringing that with us.

No, no, no.

No signs of forced entry.

No signs of theft.

Just a night table drawer forced open.

No, the husband says his wife didn't keep anything of value in there, maybe a few letters or something.

Trust me.

I'm dusting the world.

Yeah.

I'll get back to you

- Mr.

Woodley?

I'm madolyn hayes, this is david addison.

We knew your wife.

We're terribly sorry.

I was at work.

I was trying to schedule a manicure.

Excuse me?

While this animal was k*lling my wife, I was on a telephone trying to get somebody to file my nails.

I'd never had one before.

What are you supposed to do, spend all day every day guarding the ones you love?

He hit her.

They think he hit her with the phone.

What kind of a monster who kills a helpless woman like that?

Breaks in hits her I bite my nails.

I should have been here.

We're sorry, mr.

Woodley.

Where are we going?

This isn't the way back

- You know where we're going.

You were right, I was wrong.

He's a nut.

He k*lled her, didn't he, david?

We don't know that.

We know that, or we're going to know it.

Mr.

Macy, open the door.

I don't think he's gonna hear you.

Mr.

Macy! Kick it in.

What?

Kick the door down! But it's his door.

He's had it since he was a boy! He raised it from a peep hole! Kick it, or I'll kick you.

Easy choice.

He's gone.

What'd you think, he was going to hang around for the funeral?

David.

"To whom it may concern, "my name is peter macy.

No future exists for me.

"My future was a woman named gail, "the magnet of my being, the thought that drew my every breath.

"When she denied herself to me in this life, "she left me no choice but to end hers.

"By doing what I've done, perhaps beyond this world I'll find gail in another life.

" Gee, that sounds like

- It is.

He did.

Sorry I'm late.

Tell mr.

Addison to go down and start the car.

We'll never make it to this funeral.

I've got to make a quick call

- Mr.

Addison isn't in yet.

What do you mean mr.

Addison isn't in yet?

It's 10:30! He's not in yet.

Lots of people aren't in yet.

Huh?

Oh! Oh nobody answers at his place.

I called the police, the hospitals, every temp agency in town.

At least I know he's not dead or working somewhere else.

Well, that certainly takes a load off my mind.

You'll buzz me when mr.

Addison arrives?

Uh

-Huh.

Ow! What are you doing under there?

Get out! What were you doing under there?

Fiscal '85.

That's not what I meant.

I know.

Can I ask you a question?

Why do you stay here?

Why do you come in every day?

Clearly, she's making your life miserable for you.

You're a temporary employee.

Why don't you just call your employer and ask him to get you out of here?

I don't know.

I like it here.

I like you.

I like mr.

Addison.

I like this place.

Hey, it's crazy.

I mean, it's like it's like special class in junior high school, you know?

And every day's an assembly or a field trip.

I don't know, uh how about miss dipesto?

Do you like her?

Well she's not your cousin, is she?

I mean, I figure she's got to be related to somebody around here.

No.

She kinda came with the place.

Ah! Well, then, um honestly?

I don't know how I feel about her.

I mean, I'm always too busy running away from her.

Then why not stop running?

Because then she'd catch me.

And then what will happen?

Yes?

Mr.

Addison?

Put him on.

David, where are you?

We're gonna be late

- Post office?

Stop yelling! All right.

I'll be right there.

Look, you can stay in here as long as you want.

You can crawl back under the desk for all I care.

I just think it doesn't matter what I think.

If I don't see you again, have a nice life, mr.

Viola.

Herbert.

Herbert.

Herbert! Herbert! Herbert.

What?

Were you in there all the time?

What are you doing?

I'm just standing here.

What are you doing?

Oh hey, lady! Want to lick my mail?

David! Maddie! You scared me to death! What are we doing here?

Why aren't we at gail woodley's funeral?

Walk with me.

You're not going to believe this.

Last night, I started thinking.

It's about time.

You know the one thing that doesn't make sense?

Now, what doesn't make sense is that our friend peter macy, who apparently has no car or driver's license, takes a bus, five different buses in all, all the way across town to k*ll gail woodley.

Then when he's done, what does he do?

Covered with blood and guilt, he goes down to the corner to wait for the first of 5 buses that take him all the way back downtown where do he does what?

Kills himself?

Doesn't make sense.

Doesn't make sense?

Doesn't make sense.

You take the vast majority of your m*rder

-Suicides, and in the main, they do not feature an intermission between act one and act two.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying maybe he didn't k*ll gail.

And maybe he didn't k*ll himself.

Why are we standing here?

Because 10 minutes before I called you, I planted a seed.

Planted a seed?

Planted a seed?

Indeed.

I called mr.

Ken woodley.

Caught him just as he was on his way out the door to his wife's funeral.

Told him who we were, told him how we knew gail.

Told him about poor mr.

Macy dying, how it looked like a su1c1de, but we think it's m*rder.

Told him gail had written a warning to mr.

Macy, warning him about that someone else was behind this whole letter

-Writing game, that someone was trying to use him, and that that letter is probably still in mr.

Macy's post office box, just waiting for the cops to come up with a court order.

Now, here's the beauty of this little baby.

I run down here, address an envelope

- Planted a seed

- And according to my calculations, prestidigitations, and other assorted abbreviations, my little sapling ought to be arriving any moment now.

That's ridiculous! How can you be so

- Maddie: your own key.

How convenient.

Good morning, mr.

Woodley.

A helpful tip.

When you hear the pellets hit the water, count to five and take a really deep breath.

You die quicker that way.

You k*lled gail, didn't you?

Then you k*lled macy and made it look like a m*rder

-su1c1de.

Why?

I loved gail.

I did.

I do.

I did.

In the beginning, it was just a joke.

Things were getting a little dull back at the ranch, so I got this idea.

I sent this love letter to my wife.

I didn't sign it, no return address.

Just a post office box.

I said a lot of private, kinda personal things

- A little anais nin, a little henry miller

- Thinking I'd come home one evening and she'd show me this note she got, we'd both of us retire to the rack and giggle about the damn thing all night long.

But every night I'd come home, she said nothing.

I'd check the coffee table, no sign of it there.

When it didn't arrive after a few weeks, I figured it was lost.

I gave it up.

Figured the good old u.

S.

Postal service had beaten me out of 22 cents and a night of passion.

I didn't give it much thought after that.

Then about I get a call from the postmaster.

Do I want to renew rent on the box?

"Hell, no.

What for?

" So, uh I came back down here to return the key, and, uh there's a letter in the box.

Gail wrote the bastard back.

This guythis guy that doesn't exist.

She wrote him back.

And her letter is as private and as personal and as intimate as mine is.

So what am I to do?

I mean, my wife is cheating on me with me.

I mean, that really got to me.

But I go on writing, and she goes on writing.

And now she's starting to write to me about me.

I mean, to my face, everything is wonderful, but to this guy who doesn't exist she said, uh some terrible things.

What about macy?

Why'd you set him up?

How'd you set him up?

Well, he was always hanging around here.

He was just hanging around.

I used to go sit on the park bench across the street to read gail's letters, and one day, he saw me crying, and we started to talk.

Well, you know what I mean.

He looked like he needed money, and I was losing the stomach to keep up the charade, so I told him to take over writing to her.

He didn't know she was my wife.

I showed him pictures of her, we talked about her.

I think he took the job very much to heart.

So what do we do now?

The police?

That's usually how we wrap things up around here.

Well ♪ oh, yes, wait a minute, mr.

Postman ♪ ♪ wai

-Ai

-Ai

-Ait, mr.

Postman ♪ ♪ please, mr.

Postman, look and see ♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪ incoming mail! ♪ Please, mr.

Postman ♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪ ♪ oh, oh ♪ ♪ there must be some word today ♪ ♪ from my boyfriend so far away ♪ personally, I'd like to end the episode right here.

♪ Mr.

Postman, look and see ♪ ♪ if there's a letter, a letter for me ♪ that'll take a whole lot of extra postage.

♪ I've been standin' here a

- Waitin', mr.

Postman ♪ ♪ so

-O, so patiently ♪ ♪ for just a card or just a letter ♪ ♪ sayin' he's returnin' home to me ♪ ♪ please, mr.

Postman ♪ ♪ mr.

Postman, look and see ♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪ ♪ is there a letter in your bag for me ♪ ♪ please, please, mr.

Postman ♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪ "photographs

- Do not bend.

" Now look what you did! ♪ So many days you passed me by ♪ ♪ you saw the tears standin' in my eyes ♪ ♪ you wouldn't stop to make me feel better ♪ ♪ by leavin' me a card or a letter ♪ ♪ please, mr.

Postman, look and see ♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪ ♪ please, please, mr.

Postman ♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪ I'd still rather end the show with her legs in the air.

♪ Wait a minute, mr.

Postman ♪♪ "dear fella" "hello, stranger.

" "You don't know me but I know you.

" "Just felt like droppingyou an anonymous line "and tell you I'm watching and waiting and wondering.

" Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

♪ some walk by night ♪ ♪ some fly by day ♪ ♪ nothing could change you ♪ ♪ set and sure of the way ♪ ♪ there is the sun and moon ♪ ♪ they sing their own sweet tune ♪ ♪ watch them when dawn is new ♪ ♪ sharing one space ♪ ♪ we'll walk by night, babe ♪ ♪ we'll fly by day ♪ ♪ moonlighting strangers ♪ ♪ who just met on the way ♪♪