03x07 - Atomic Shakespeare

[bunniefuu]

Some walk by night ♪ ♪ some fly by day ♪ ♪ something is sweeter ♪ ♪ 'cause we met on the way ♪ ♪ 'cause we met on the way ♪♪ mom, what are you doing?

You have homework to do.

But it's moonlighting! Moonlighting?

Yeah, you know, the show about the two detectives.

A man and a woman.

And they argue a lot, and all they really want to do is sleep together?

Yeah! Sounds like trash to me.

But mom! Watching tv isn't going to help you on your shakespeare test tomorrow.

You have a lot of reading to do.

Let's go.

But, mom! No arguments.

What a drag.

Good morrow, sir.

I'm lucentio, come hither for to see fair padua, pleasant garden of great italy, to seek out and happily begin a course of learning and studies herein.

You mistaketh me, sir, for someone who careth.

Come I am lucentio and am steadfast resolved to suck the sweets of sweet

- I must away, as I am off to floss.

I am lucentio, new arrived from distant lands, in search of it's my fault I get stuck with all the exposition?

But soft what light through yonder window breaks?

Gentlemen! Enough, enough, gentlemen! Importune me no farther, for now I firmly am resolved not to bestow my youngest daughter before I have a husband for the elder.

As I have told those before you, though bianca be the cherished, 'tis katherina must marry first.

Only hence

- Only hence, will bianca's lovely hand be made available.

Be mindful, I'm the wealthiest man in padua, and he who weds katherina lands a dowry you could cry for.

Any takers?

No way, jose! Go back to the hogs.

What, are you nuts?

Hmm?

School and studies may one day bring home the bacon, but no profit grows where is no pleasure taken.

Only stands twixt me and bianca, one simple act of fate.

Simple, I say, for how hard could it be to find katherina a mate?

Aah! Run, heathen, run, and know what awaits you should you stop! As your mouth runneth off, so must your feet run off and from a poor, defenseless woman, no less.

Ha! If defenseless be apt, then what against?

An army perhaps or a lion incensed! Ah! You speak of animals.

Then all 3 of you be rats.

And 3 blind rats you're not, as clearly you came to gawk at me.

We only just arrived to woo and bewitch.

Having not advance knowledge that you'd be such a

- Enough! Had the rats tails, though likely they'd be thrust between their legs, I'd be moved to slice them off.

But I'll leave what's left there, and give you this

- Ha ha ha.

Sir! Be you so fond of poem, then let these words be said

- There's nothing so poetic as a well

-Placed smack upside the head! Men! Father! Is it your will, sir, to make a stale of me amongst these mates?

A trinket to be

- To be auctioned off to he who bids the highest?

I know wherefore these men came

- From you! In order to marry me and clear the path for your little ángel.

Well, father, never will a man sent by you walk in and walk out with my affections.

Sister, everyone knoweth thou art jealous of me.

I mean far be it for me to rush you, as only you will know when you've found the right man.

Sister, father, padua goest thou to hell! A problem, no doubt, and one in need of solution bold.

For love does, of a sudden, take such hold.

The task, alas, to find a mate to weather kate's typhoon, but where?

For such a man doth come along but once in a blue moon.

What's shakin', y'all?

Fill 'er up, lad.

Clean the bugs out of her teeth.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Wrong play.

Now is the winter of our discontent

- Wrong play.

Friends, romans, countrymen lend me your ears

- Crowd:wrong play! "Verona, for a while, I take my leave"?

Ah to see my friends in padua.

And what a fortuitous gale it is that blows me here.

Such wind as scatters young men through the world to seek their fortunes farther than at home, where small experience grows.

Thus

-It stands with me that I've thrust myself into this maze, crowns in my purse I have, goods at home, and so, am come to see the world! Didn't think I could pull it off, did you?

Zounds! What mounds! Aah! Aah! Aah! Come here, wench! Aah! Aah! Yaah! Oh! Ha ha ha! Rawr! Argh! Argh! Yecch! Hyah! Hyah! Yah! Gadzooks! Is there a fellow in all the land more hale and hearty than this?

And now, on to matters of greater import, and to the reason for my visit to this fair city.

To wit, a major plot point cometh.

I come to wive it wealthily in padua.

And if wealthily, then happily.

And if she hath no diseases, then healthily in padua.

Good sir! Stay.

Such unusual fortune that we meet, here and now, and in such similar straits.

A moment ago, what was it thou sayeth?

And now, onto matters of great

- No, no, no.

After that.

Didst I hear, "I come to wive it wealthily in padua?

" Pray, sir.

Yea, sir.

I dare say I did say.

Yea, sir.

You do say you did say?

Yea, I say, but why do you bray?

Do not gainsay what I say that we may make headway.

I foray this way that I may be home e'er midday.

Hooray for this day, and the words that you say, and forgive my display, but I have something to say.

Then without further delay, I say fire away! If I were to tell thee that there lives, in padua, such a woman as suits your needs

- She be very wealthy and in dire need of a suitor, wouldst thou be interested?

Wouldst?

Doth bears bear

-Eth?

Doth bees bee

-Eth?

Sayeth what?

Hell, yes! Then off to a tavern.

I've a story for thee.

For a tankard of ale, I'll let you tell three.

I left my wallet in my other pantaloons, you think you could spot me 5 bucks?

Pray, sir, have you not a daughter called katherina, fair and virtuous, modest and mild?

I've a daughter called katherina.

I am a gentleman of verona, sir, and I come to

- Upstairs, first door on your right.

Obviously a quick judge of character.

Good sir?

Before I woo and most certainly win, should we not a dowry discuss?

A dowry discuss we should.

Were you a man who liveth to see tomorrow.

A man who liveth to seeth tomorrow, am i.

Though sayest in my task, doomed be me.

Hm?

Huh?

Uh, signor batista, know you not who my master is?

His name be petruchio, who did yesterday before the whole town dispatch, by himself, a pig on a stick, a keg of beer, two gentlemen, and four oriental kung fu masters.

That be you?

Well, I hateth to brag

- Son! Well for the right price.

Your own winnebago, a chance to direct, a piece of the syndication

- Eh

-Wrong scroll.

Katherina: goest thou to hell! Sold! Godspeed.

You'll need it.

Psst.

Oh, happy day.

I'm off to win the fair bianca.

Go then, my friend.

Till we meet again somewhere in the fourth act.

Say that she shriek, why, then I'll tell her plain she sings as sweetly as a nightingale.

Say that she sneer, why, then I'll say she looks as clear as morning roses newly washed with the dew.

And failing that, always am I the man.

And as the man, and a man's man at that, must I man the proper place of a man

- Over woman, that is.

For I am what I am, and that's all that I am.

And the man is the man is the man if you're a man, you gotta love the 16th century.

May I come in?

You may, if it matters not to you what cometh of your head.

It matters not, as being here proves I've lost it already.

And it matters not as well, as a man without a head is merely redundant.

Good lady, allow me to enter.

I merely come to tune your instrument.

My instrument is already tuned.

As is mine, and ready to play.

Then off with you to play it solo, as you won't be coming in! Here's petruchio! Good morrow, kate, for that is your name, I hear.

I am called katherina by those who dare to speak to me.

Nay, you'll always be kate to me.

Plain kate and bonny kate, and sometimes kate the cursed, but kate, the prettiest kate, my super

-Dainty kate.

♪ Kate kate bo

-Bate ♪ ♪ banana

-Fana fo

-Fate ♪ ♪ fee

-Fi mo

-Mate ♪ ♪ kate ♪ what purpose bringeth you?

Who are you?

Certainly no singer, nor the piano tuner you claimeth to be.

You see through me, kate.

No tuner, i.

But I wish it were amongst my talents to play piano for you.

'Tis a sad state indeed.

You're the only man I know who suffereth from pianist envy.

Perhaps you'll listen to this! Get out now, while you still have that which you hold dear.

Have you not guessed?

'Tis you I wish to hold dear.

Hearing thy virtue spoke of, thy beauty, thy mildness praised, myself am moved to woo thee for my wife.

Your wife?

Thou catchest on quickly.

Then let me answereth quickly as well.

Whatever moved you thus, let it remove you now.

Out of this room, like so much overstuffed furniture! As 'tis widely said, just as widely writ, if I be furniture, then you'll always have a place to sit.

Let go! Unhand me! I'll try, but I don't think they'll come off.

Your struggle's in vain, my lady, as man is now and shall ever be dominant over woman.

And i, being a prime specimen of manhood, am therefore clearly dominant over you.

Go soaketh your head.

It swells beyond measure.

Aye.

And proudly.

'Tis my will to marry you, my lady.

And where there's a will there's a won't! Oof! I warned you, sir.

And now you're in for the thrashing of your life! This is gettin' interesting.

Ugh! Tally ho! You buzz around like an angry bee.

Better, as I look at you, a wasp.

If I be waspish, best beware my sting.

My aim is to pluck it out.

Aye, if the fool could find it.

Who knows not where a wasp wears her sting?

In her tail.

Now! Aah! Ow! Your dagger.

Good lady, thou art mistaken.

A gentleman never unsheathes his dagger before he is married.

Fool.

Kate.

Know thee now, thou must be married to no other man but me.

Aah! Ooh! Yeah! Give them what they want! Kiss me kate, and we will wed on sunday! No, we will not! Not now! Not this sunday! Not next sunday! Not any sunday from now until the end of time! Oh, ho ho ho! Grr! Congratulations.

Finally, finally.

Ok, carlo.

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you for coming.

Hello.

Hello, yeah.

Yes.

We did it.

We did it.

Is my sister here yet?

She waits anxiously inside.

Sanctuary.

Oh! Mmm! Mmm! How dare he?

What causeth a man to be so late to his own wedding?

Mmm! Mmm! Yah.

Pray! What took thee?

The wedding was to start three hours ago! The lights were against me.

But where be that blushing bride o' mine?

The moment of truth.

It's love! It's magic! Yes.

How now?

Can it be?

Is this visión mine eyes witness truly my beloved?

Mm

-Mmm! How well she doth look in bondage.

Mmm! Pardon, sweet?

What was it that thou sayest, my sweet?

I'll let you hang in hell first

- Ha ha ha.

'Twas bargained twixt us that she still seem cursed in company, but when we be alone, she be a veritable puss in my lap.

Padre

- I can wait no longer.

Petruchio of verona, taketh you this woman, katherina, to be your lawful, wedded wife?

From this day forward, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keepeth her till death doth you part?

I doth.

Katherina of padua taketh you this man mm

-Mmm! Mm

-Mmm! Uhet cetera, et cetera, till death doth you part?

I doth.

Mmm! Eh

-Heh.

I now pronounceth you, man and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

No! A little honeymoon music, satchmo! ♪ Good love ♪ ♪ good love ♪ ♪ good love ♪ ♪ good love ♪ ♪ I was feelin' ♪ ♪ so bad ♪ ♪ I asked my family doctor just what I had ♪ ♪ I says doctor ♪ ♪ doctor ♪ ♪ mister m.

D.

♪ ♪ Doctor ♪ ♪ now can you tell me ♪ ♪ what's ailin' me?

♪ ♪ Doctor ♪ ♪ he say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ yes, indeed ♪ ♪ all i, I really need ♪ ♪ is good love ♪ ♪ good love ♪ ♪ good love ♪ ♪ good love ♪ ♪ honey, please ♪ ♪ squeeze me tight ♪ ♪ squeeze me tight ♪ ♪ don't you want your baby to be all right ♪ ♪ be all right ♪ ♪ I said baby ♪ ♪ baby ♪ ♪ it's for sure ♪ ♪ it's for sure ♪ ♪ I got the fever, yeah ♪ ♪ you got the cure ♪ ♪ got the cure ♪ ♪ everybody say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ oh, all I need ♪ ♪ all i, I really need ♪ ♪ is good love ♪ ♪ now gimme all that good, good love ♪ ♪ good love ♪ ♪ hey, give me that sweet, sweet love ♪ ♪ good love ♪ ♪ gimme that big, bad lovin' ♪ ♪ good love ♪ one more time! ♪ Good love ♪ ♪ good love ♪ ♪ good love ♪ you think that was fun, wait till I get you home! ♪ Good love ♪ ♪ good love ♪ ♪ good love ♪♪ ta

-Da! I welcome thee to my humble digs.

This be the cleaning woman's century off.

But small matter how a home looketh if it be filled with love.

And speaking of which the master bedroom.

Rowr 'tis true, our courtship hath been a tad brief, but now that we be husband and wife, I sayest we waste no time in getting used to acting like husband and wife.

I agree with thee.

Thou dost?

I dost.

And get thee used to this.

I havest a headache.

And if that be the master bedroom, then I shall sleep there.

In there?

Au contraire.

Be I not the man, and you the woman?

Be this not the time that men are men and women are property?

Property, you call me.

But triest to plow this acre, and thy blade may get broken.

Ha! I shall be the master of what is mine own.

And thou art my goods

- My chattel, my stuff, my house, my toothbrush, my golf shoes

- I'll be no man's stuff! In fact, stuff your stuff, for this is one thing you will never own.

We'll see about that and starting this day.

Then already thou seest wrong, for 'tis plain to any fool that it be night and not day.

Day it is, if thy husband says it be so.

Perhaps to a wife blinded by love, but mine eyes see clear.

Love or no, I be thy liege and thy lord, that bringeth home the bacon, and provideth thee with a roof over thy thick skull.

And for that, by the gods, if I say the moon be the sun, then to you, good wife, it shall be so! Good wife I am in name only, good husband, and thus it is the moon, and 'tis the moon no matter what thee said.

'Tis the sun or no sleep for thee.

'Tis the moon and to bed I'm away.

The sun.

The moon.

The sun.

The moon! Mmm! Bang! Zoom! I hope they like these jokes on the moon, kate, 'cause that's where you're going.

I will not stand for this.

You will not stand for this?

I will be the king in this, my castle.

King, king, king.

Some king! Without even a vassal to command in this castle.

Well, 'tis the moon I choose to see, and in there I choose to sleep.

You will sleep, in there, without me, until I say otherwise.

Understandeth?

Understandeth?

Fine! Fine! Methinks 'twas something familiar about that.

This turn of events be passing intolerable.

Am I not the master?

Is she not the mistress in this, her master's house?

By god, I must teach that wench a lesson, or this be a dark day indeed for thy entire gender.

And teach her a lesson, I will.

Am I not man, hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore?

Take no prisoners! Fair kate don't makest me do this.

If thy husband tells thee the moon is the sun, then tell him 'tis the sun.

'Tis the moon.

Narrator: and thus it went.

But as a wild horse be broken through mix of love and persistence, so a shrew be tamed.

Rather than b*at her into submission, petruchio did decide instead to k*ll her with kindness.

Initial efforts were met with, well, a small bit of resistance.

But, undaunted, petruchio did persist.

And persist.

And persist.

And finally did petruchio succeed.

Slowly won over by his ways, kate began her shift from house afire to housewife.

And truth be known, she couldn't be blamed, for who could resist a loving husband such as petruchio had become?

The meal was to your liking?

Aye.

And thou?

Didst thou enjoy thy low

-Cal diet gruel?

Well, one does what one can to keep thy girlish figure.

Aye.

'Tis said across the land, by men worldly wise, what value be a woman with cellulite on her thighs?

While men be displeased with fat legs and fat hips, most of them would look better if be given fat lips.

Pardon, dear wife?

I said, have another sip.

Aye.

Husband?

Dost thy truly believe that a happy marriage lies in a woman who remains pretty and in her place?

It'll do in a pinch.

Thou needest not be concerned as thy are both pretty and in thy place, as we speak.

'Tis your notion of a compliment, I know, but husband did you hear the news today?

At the bach concert.

Husband! They said if thou playest the second concerto backwards, thou hearest the voice of satan.

Good husband, how are we married?

How are we married?

Are we married merrily?

Yea, verily.

We are married merrily, though, at first warily, and unfortunately, quite steriley.

Nothing like a night at home, rhyming with the ol' ball and chain.

Husband, I believe in our marriage as well.

But know thee this, you captured me not by dragging me to thy house, but by treating me with kindness once I was here.

I saw thee try, and thus I tried also.

I have changed as a result of your kindness.

Now, I would ask that you change as a result of mine.

Change?

But didst not thou sayeth that I do all the things for you a wife could want?

All, save one.

All, save respecting me.

Re

- Respecting thee?

Respecting me.

I ask that you hold me in higher esteem, both as thy wife and as thy partner.

In short, I ask that you retreateth from your role as chauvinist.

And for my part, should that respect beginneth tonight, I shall share the same room as my mate.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Sleep well?

Like a babe, only waking occasionally wanting to be fed.

Myself, I lay awake all night happily and thinking also, wondering, petruchio, why me?

What moved thee to woo me?

Thy life thy spirit.

We are kindred souls, kate, as mountains to wind.

Each of us moves not, though the other blow perpetually.

More to the point, I saw me in thee.

Husband, for all thy boorishness and bluster, thou art a good man.

And for all thy shrillness and shrewishness, thou art quite a remarkable woman.

I shall dispatch them with all due haste.

Good morrow, petruchio, I come with news from padua.

Well, then spit it out post haste, I'm about to make news here.

On sunday next, bianca, sister to katherina, will marry lucentio.

Thee and thy wife hath, of course, been invited to attend.

Good tidings, indeed.

Go thee and assure the bride's father that we will journey back happily.

Truth be told, most are aware thou win thy money if kate be not only still married, but tamed by bianca's wedding day.

More will attend for those results, than for the wedding itself.

Fret thee not, for all things here seem to be well in hand.

And thus, a week later, their way to bianca's wedding did petruchio and katherina make.

Forsooth, husband.

Why thinkest they stare at us so?

They be merely unaccustomed to seeing a couple so happily mated.

We are happily mated, are we not?

Good husband, needst thou even ask that question?

Nay, nay.

But now that we are in front of the town, if someone were to ask gladly would I express my feelings to all.

'Tis plain the whole town knoweth of the deal 'twixt petruchio and myself.

And have come to see if he'll collect his due.

And if the whole town knoweth, then 'tis possible that kate knoweth.

And if kate knoweth, and knoweth that the whole town knoweth, and knoweth that we knoweth that she knoweth, knowst what that means?

No

-Eth.

Either she be tamed but will still learn of this, or she be not tamed, and it doesn't matter.

Either way 'tis no place for me.

Havest a nice honeymoon.

Father! Daughter?

How truly good it is to see thee, father.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! How truly good it is to see thee, daughter.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! So! Away with us all

- We've a wedding to attend.

I likest a band that playeth the oldies.

And one thing more, never a borrower nor a lender be, unless, of course, thou can compound interest annually at 8%.

Ha ha ha.

Greetings, gentlemen.

May I sayeth, brother lucentio, 'tis a pleasure to be welcomed unto such a family with open arms, open heart, and, of course, open purse strings.

Yes, well though the change in kate looks to be a miracle, the day still be young, and my purse, for now, still be closed.

Haveth thy way, good father, as the unfolding of the day shall proveth my success.

Thy wild kate hath been declawed.

So, lucentio, art thou ready to rule thy roost tonight?

Well if thou be worried about thy honeymoon night, feareth not, friend, for thy manly instincts shall kick in when need doth arise.

To be certain man be lord of his house, and being such, need only command that his needs be met.

'Tis her duty to please thee.

Truly?

And that be how it worketh with thee?

My man, if I'm lying, I'm dying.

What?

Be thou certain?

Interesting news, indeed, petruchio.

Word hath come that kate merely pretendeth to be tame.

That she be talking of equality, of thy marriage being 50

-50! Well, the woman be quite a little kidder.

Though I wish only the best for thee, there be in my mind a question now.

Who hath in fact been tamed?

Kate, or thee?

I assure you, sir, 'tis she alone's been tamed.

Then perhaps thou could prove it by calling her out, forthwith, and showing us thy manly command! Welli

-I don't want to interrupt their girl talk.

We haveth an arrangement.

If she be not tamed, 'tis my right to know.

He has a point there.

Bring her to us! Enough! If thou needeth proof of the taming of kate, then proof it shall be! Fetch me my wife! Stay tuned at thine own risk, as such confrontations be the stuff nightmares are made of.

You calleth, husband?

Aye, and with a purpose.

'Tis a duty thou must perform.

You have but to ask, dear husband, and I'll do my best to please thee.

That thou will.

For thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper.

And as thou art bound to serve and obey, thou art bound to agree whatever he sayeth be true above all else.

Kate! I say 'tis the moon that shines so bright.

And as my wife, wouldst thou not agree, 'tis indeed?

That's it.

She's going to blow.

Husband I believest thou art mistaken.

And if thou takest another look, I'm quite sure thy error will be clear.

'Tis the sun, and not the moon, that shines so bright.

The sun, you say?

If that be your final answer, I have but one choice.

To look again.

Why, as I live and breathe, 'twas indeed a mistake.

My wife hath called it.

'Tis the sun and not the moon at all.

I was wrong and hath learned it from a woman.

One with much to teach.

Thou art witness to a revelation, for myself, too long in coming, and it concerneth the beauty of holding thy mate at thy side rather than under thy thumb.

For those with bodies soft and tender hath soft and tender hearts, as well.

And all their gifts be so much more, when allowed to be given freely.

If this be offensive to men, then so be it.

For perhaps the time has come for offense.

I hath struck a deal with thy father, that I might receive thy dowry if, and only if, I tame thee.

I now renounce this deal, and wish for no other reward other than thy affection, and thy company for as long as thee shall live.

If truth be told, a mistake was made by all by the town, by her family and by me.

For kate never needed to be tamed.

She merely needed to be loved.

Kiss me, petruchio! Narrator: so it was, we endeth here, this chapter of petruchio and kate.

From here, they lived life, long and full.

The world their only parameter, and as they went, 'twas with a single complaint we hate iambic pentameter! Is moonlighting still on?

No.

It just ended.

Aw aw, that's ok.

It wasn't very good tonight anyway.

♪ some walk by night ♪ ♪ some fly by day ♪ ♪ something is sweeter ♪ ♪ 'cause we met on the way ♪ ♪ 'cause we met on the way ♪