03x11 - Blonde on Blonde

[bunniefuu]

Some walk by night ♪ ♪ some fly by day ♪ ♪ something is sweeter ♪ ♪ 'cause we met on the way ♪ ♪ 'cause we met on the way ♪ gimme a b*at! ♪ Sittin' in the movie show ♪ ♪ thinkin' nasty thoughts ♪ ♪ better be a gentleman ♪ ♪ or you turn me off ♪ ♪ that's right, a

- Let me tell it ♪ ♪ nasty, nasty boys ♪ ♪ don't mean a thing ♪ ♪ oh, you nasty boys ♪ ♪ nasty, nasty boys ♪ ♪ don't ever change ♪ ♪ oh, you nasty boys ♪ ♪ I don't like no nasty car ♪ ♪ I don't like nasty food ♪ ♪ oh, oh, yeah ♪ ♪ the only nasty thing I like ♪ ♪ is a nasty groove ♪ will this one do?

Uh

-Huh, I know.

Sing.

♪ Nasty, nasty boys ♪ ♪ don't mean a thing ♪ ♪ oh, you nasty boys ♪ ♪ nasty, nasty boys ♪ ♪ don't ever change ♪ ♪ oh, you nasty boys ♪ ♪ nasty ♪ blue moon investigations.

We'd love to speak to you, that would be keen, but since we're not here, talk to this machine.

When you hear the beep, leave your name and number.

Don't hang up, that would be a bummer.

Hi, this is maddie.

I won't be coming in today.

I'm sick.

And the dealer will turn over his last card.

Oh, my.

A black 9 and a red 5 in the same hand.

Well, I guess that beats your straight flush, huh, boys?

Yeah, yeah.

So, uh, thank you for your cooperation, and in the future, any signs of body lice should be reported directly to your physician.

Hi, boss.

Speedy recovery.

I guess you're wondering what we're doing here.

No.

Your mail, miss hayes.

Almost dressed, miss hayes.

Let's not all panic.

I'm sure she meant to scream at us.

A minor health hazard.

I figured a spot check would be easier than evacuating the whole office.

Ok, you caught me.

It wasn't a lice check.

It was an air conditioning drill.

Kind of like a fire drill, only this is in case the air conditioner doesn't work.

Good idea.

Good idea?

David, would you excuse me, please?

Not until you tell me what's bothering you.

What makes you think something's bothering me?

Your attitude.

What attitude?

Maddie, you just witnessed a major breach in office decorum.

And then I walk in here and lie to you about what we were doing.

You know the rules.

You watch the show every tuesday night.

You're supposed to yell and get angry now.

I'm not going to get angry.

You're not going to get angry?

If you're not going to get angry, how are we going to have an argument?

We're not.

We're not?

We have to.

Don't tell me you haven't considered the consequences of a day going by without a little angry banter between us.

We're talking serious damage to our relationship, to office morale, to february sweeps.

Go away, david.

Come on, maddie! Circle the wagons.

Put them up! Put on the gloves! The money's on the table, and the people want to see blood.

I don't feel like arguing.

So just because you don't feel like arguing, you're going to ruin everybody else's day.

Well, that's a little selfish, don't you think?

You're raining on our cloud, maddie.

David, not arguing is good.

I like not arguing.

Not arguing is something a lot of people aspire to.

But arguing is what we do! It's our thing! Look, astaire and rogers dance.

Sears and roebuck sells.

Masters and johnson

- Knock it off.

Exactly.

Come on.

No axes to grind?

No bones to pick?

None.

It's a boneless day, and I'm in no mood.

So would you mind?

As a matter of fact, I do mind.

I want you to tell me what's wrong.

You are sick.

Stand up.

I want to take your temperature.

There's nothing wrong with me! Nothing at all?

And the papers say I got a big ego.

What is it?

It's me, right?

What did I do?

Nothing.

You didn't do anything.

Then that's the problem, then.

What is it specifically that I did not do?

Did I not make a sexist comment?

Did I not act immature?

David, believe it or not, there are things that happen in this world that have nothing to do with you.

You can't prove that.

You don't know what I do when I'm not in this office.

Why am I even here?

Look, every morning it's the same

- Fall out of bed, drop in the visine, have a knock

-Down drag

-Out with maddie hayes.

It's the shine on my shoes, it's the syrup on my pancake.

Kind of completes the day.

And when I don't get it, I got to wonder why.

David, our arguments are a routine, a bad habit, that's all.

Damn right! We can't just quit, cold turkey.

We have to withdraw slowly.

We need to wean off gradually.

A few verbal slurs, an occasional offensive remark.

David, I'd just like to be alone.

It doesn't have to be a brawl.

It could be a tiff.

A small tiff, a tiffette.

David

- Maddie?

Why are you doing this?

Because I know when something's bothering you.

I hear the rumbling.

Admit it, you're bubbling underneath the surface.

Mount st.

Maddie is about to blow, and all it takes is that one extra jolt to make it spill on out.

What makes you think you know me so well?

Just because you think something means something doesn't mean what you think it means.

Well put.

Maybe something is bothering me.

Maybe I do have a few things on my mind, but did it ever occur to you that I'd like to sort it out by myself, in private?

I knew I shouldn't have come in.

I don't know why I did.

I'm leaving.

I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know when I'll be back, ok?

Wouldn't happen to have an unmarked deck of cards, would you?

Hi.

I figured you'd be long gone.

Yeah?

No, I was just teaching viola some bitter lessons about high

-Stakes poker, which I would gladly forego if you would talk to me.

Talk to you?

Yeah, talk to me.

Come on, maddie.

It's not like we just met yesterday.

I know you.

You're blue.

You're bluer than blue.

You're damn near puce.

Look, it's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's just that there's really nothing to talk about.

What's bothering me is so what?

It's nothing.

It's just a mood.

It'll be gone in the morning.

It's nothing.

Great.

You're hurt.

Am I batting I'm blue and you're hurt.

David, it's great that you want to talk.

It's great that you stayed here late to do it.

I'm down 30 bucks.

I know, and I appreciate it.

Prove it.

Save the farm.

Confide in me.

David, what's bothering me is not something you discuss.

What's bothering me is something you get through.

Maddie, that's a lot of crap.

What's a lot of crap?

You not talking to me.

Come on, maddie.

We're friends.

The two musketeers.

Ham and legs.

Yes.

We are friends.

But this is not a friend thing.

Would you just talk to me?

Tell me what it is.

You don't want to hear this.

What are you talking about, I don't want to hear this?

That's crazy.

Of course I want to hear about it.

If something's bothering you or causing you pain, I want to hear about it.

I absolutely want to hear about it.

No, you don't want to hear this.

Yes, I do, of course I do.

No, you don't want to hear this.

I really want to hear about it.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do! Yes, I do.

You really want to know how I feel?

Yeah.

I feel reckless.

Never mind.

Don't "never mind" me.

I want to hear about it.

All right, if you really want to.

David, I feel alone and surrounded at the same time.

Ok.

I feel restrained, but like I'm about to burst free.

Ok, now you see?

I figured it was something like that.

You want to know what I really want to do?

You want to know what this is really all about?

I'd like to go out there and find some man, not even ask his name, and just go to a hotel or something, and not even know his name

- I don't want to hear this.

And just be bad.

Hey, I don't want to hear this.

I don't want to hear this! Well, it's nice to know we can confide in our friends.

Wipe that shocked expression off your face.

I'm sure your chin wouldn't be on the floor if it was mcgillicuddy or viola you were having this conversation with.

You're damn right it wouldn't be.

Stupid maddie.

I'm always forgetting

- What's good for the goose is forbidden for the gander.

Where are you going?

Out.

Out?

Out where?

Out, out there.

Maddie, look, you're not going to do anything stupid, are you?

I've already dome something stupid.

I came back here and talked to you.

Maddie, there are a lot of crazy people out there.

There are a lot of crazy people in here.

You're going home, aren't you?

You're going right home.

Look me in the eye and tell me you're going right home.

Why are you looking sounhappy?

My chastity belt is pinching me.

Good night.

Yo, bert baby! Mr.

Addison, I didn't peek, I swear! How would you like to get out of this $14,000 debt?

Double or nothing again?

I don't know, mr.

Addison.

Your car keys.

My car?

Not forever, just for tonight.

I need to borrow it.

Now.

Please, bert.

It's an emergency.

It's urgent.

It's important.

It's a case.

I know, but the thing is, it's brand

-New.

I just picked it up

- Yeah, right, new.

Come with me.

Work with me, bert, on this big, urgent, emergency case.

You and me, on a case?

Together?

The 3 of us.

You, me, and your car.

It'll be great.

It'll be terrific.

It'll be better than sex.

Got any money for gas?

This is great, mr.

Addison.

You have no idea what a dream come true this is for me.

Day after day I sit in the office, I watch you work, and I wonder, what would it be like to be out there?

You know?

Detecting.

With you.

And now, well don't get me wrong, I like working in the office.

It's just sometimes I can't help but feel a little unfulfilled, you know?

Like my potentials are not being fully realized.

Not that I'm complaining.

I'm just letting you know how much I appreciate this opportunity.

I mean, surveillance, real detective work, a chance to contribute as a valuable member of the team am I talking too much?

Huh?

Here, make a left here.

Left?

Now! Wow.

Why didn't you make the turn?

I forgot where the turn signal is.

Well, it's the law.

Why don't you hit the wipers?

I can't see a thing.

I

- Ihand me the owner's manual.

I think it's in the glove compartment.

You don't know where the wi

-Look out! Aah! My car! My car! Keep driving.

Just keep driving.

There it is.

Herbert: that's miss hayes! By golly, it is miss hayes.

We're following miss hayes! You wait here.

I'll see what this is all about.

You knew all along we were following miss hayes, didn't you, mr.

Addison?

Look, mr.

Addison, I know I've only been with blue moon for a couple of months, and maybe this is none of my business probably it is none of my business, but well there are some people in the office who think that maybe there's a personal thing between you and miss hayes.

Between me and miss hayes?

A personal thing?

You have been laboring under a severe delusion, my friend.

What we are doing here is simply covering for a fellow operative without said operative knowing what we're doing here.

Back to the car.

Back to the car?

Back to the car.

One of the world's 10 most wanted t*rrorists escaped from jail in cairo.

Last week, nato gives me a jingle

- "Dave, the guy's headed for la

-La land.

" So what does maddie say?

"I want to nab him.

" Insists on doing it by herself.

She's here tonight hoping to catch him.

If she spots us, she'll think I don't trust her.

But why is she buying groceries?

Oops, here she comes.

Follow that blonde.

So this isn't about you and miss hayes.

Other than making sure the old biddy doesn't get herself k*lled, negative.

She's pulling in over there.

Metropolis.

This is the hottest place in town.

She's going to catch the guy here?

Yeah, she's one plucky girl.

I've heard about this place.

You can't walk in there without getting hit on.

A real face place.

I'm telling you, if you're ever in the mood to meet somebody just for a night, this is the place to go.

Herbert.

Remember when you asked if you were talking too much?

Yeah?

Oh.

Hi.

What can I get for you?

Club soda and lime, please.

On second thought, white wine spritzer.

Make that a boilermaker.

What did I tell you?

Roomful of prime cut, or what?

Hope you brought your branding iron.

There she is.

At the bar.

So who are we looking for?

I don't know.

Could be anyone.

Tall, fat, short, thin.

Maybe 2 guys, maybe even 3.

Depends on her mood.

Her what?

Just keep your eyes peeled.

Imagine a guy spends his whole day hijacking airplanes in turkey, winds up at the metropolis meeting babes.

Excuse me, miss, uh I'm sorry to bother you, I just wanted to reach in front of you for the pretzels.

No bother.

Thanks.

Is this place always this crowded?

It's my first time.

Mine, too.

Funny thing is, I pass by this place all the time, but tonight for some reason I got up the nerve to try it.

I know how that goes.

Yeah, my name's robert.

And you're maddie.

Just take a look at this bunch, will you?

And we think we've evolved?

It's amazing how people will flock to a place like this, all of them looking for the same thing.

Hoping for a meaningless, empty coupling to make them forget their meaningless, empty lives.

As if cheap sex with a total stranger will ease the pain of their loneliness.

Hi, bert.

The usual?

Uh I can't tonight.

I'm on the job.

Sir?

Look, the fact is, this kind of place really isn't my style.

Maybe we could go someplace quieter sometime, get to know each other.

Say dinner after work some night?

Maybe we can.

Would you happen to have the time?

Oh, sure, it's

- Class ring?

Look, uh just because I'm married doesn't mean we can't have dinner.

You're right.

Candlelight dinner for 4.

You, me, your wife, and her lawyer.

Excuse me.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me, but, uh you're maddie hayes, aren't you?

I thought so.

I mean, I wasn't sure.

I mean, someone like you in here not that that's bad.

It's just it's just that I've had this crush on you ever since I saw the first blue moon shampoo ads.

And I had to come over and see if it was really you, and it was.

I mean, it is.

I mean, you are.

Well, now I can die a happy man.

Thank you.

Thank me?

I'm flattered.

Well, uh well, that's really all I had to say.

I'm sure you're going to meet somebody

- I'm not meeting anyone.

So you don't mind if I stay and chat?

Please do.

Well well.

You know my name.

I don't know yours.

Moe.

Moe highland.

Hello, moe.

Hello.

I can't believe this.

I'm actually sitting here talking to maddie hayes.

What's to believe?

Maybe I'm just here to talk to someone, too.

Yeah.

Well, my lucky night, huh?

Aah! Oh, my god! I'm sorry! Damn it, I that's ok.

That's ok.

I think I'd better go put some water on this.

Yeah, look, you know, I live about 5 minutes from here.

I mean, you could come over and you could get out of that, get into something more comfortable

- Some jeans and a t

-Shirt.

I mean, I'm getting signals here.

I think we're both interested.

We're both here for the same thing.

You want to leave?

Yes.

But not with you.

You can't meet me here.

It's not safe.

There's a man following me.

Yes, I'm very sure.

You stay, and I'll meet you there.

As soon as I can.

I haven't been in a singles bar lately.

I'd forgotten what an uplifting experience it can be! This clod pours his drink on me and then offers to take me back to his place to change.

Charming.

There's a hand

-Drier around the corner.

Great.

You seen anybody, mr.

Addison?

Bring the car around front and wait for me.

You mean

- The eagle has landed.

I mean, is it me, or radio d.

J.

: Jrkv weather, cold and wet all night, too depressing for steve morris to tell you my story.

We'll let dion tell you his.

♪ Here's my story, sad but true ♪ ♪ it's about a girl that I once knew ♪ ♪ she took my love, then ran around ♪ ♪ with every single guy in town ♪ ♪ hey, hey ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ hey, hey ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ hey, hey ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ hey, hey ♪ ♪ la la la la ♪ ♪ hey, hey ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ hey, hey ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ hey, hey ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ hey ♪ ♪ I should have known it from the very start ♪ ♪ this girl will leave me with a broken heart ♪ ♪ now listen, people, what I'm telling you ♪ ♪ a

-Keep away from

-A runaround sue ♪ ♪ I miss her lips and the smile on her face ♪ ♪ the touch of her hair and this girl's warm embrace ♪ ♪ so if you don't wanna cry like I do ♪ ♪ a

-Keep away from

-A runaround sue ♪ ♪ hey, hey ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ hey, hey ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ hey, hey ♪ ♪ oh ♪ ♪ hey ♪ ♪ she likes to travel around ♪ ♪ she'll love you, but she'll put you down ♪ ♪ now, people, let me put you wise ♪ ♪ ask any fool that she ever knew, they'll say ♪ hey, man, is there a back way out of here?

Some woman just asked me the same thing.

♪ Yeah, keep away from sue ♪ ♪ I don't know what to do ♪ ♪ keep away from sue ♪ what am I doing?

Whoa! Yours to enjoy in the privacy of your hotel room.

Her finest screen role ever, in cold mud.

Call your hotel operator right now for details.

That's in cold mud

- Dirt like you've never seen it before.

Woman on tv: with misty monet as you've never seen her before.

Yours to enjoy in the privacy of your room.

Just call your hotel operator for details.

Interior kitchen, on katherine.

She suddenly screams as a strange, demented face appears in the window.

No, no, no.

Not the strange, demented face in the window again.

Oh, you're right.

Hey! Whoa! Oh! Hey, you! What the hell are you doing?

I'm committing su1c1de.

From the second floor?

I took poison.

Get in here, will you?

I don't want to drag mud in all over the

- Well, maybe just for a quick nightcap.

Look, I really hate to be a wet blanket, but if I don't get sis home by midnight, pop's going to be really p.

O.

Ed.

Hey! Great, maddie.

Mr.

Goodbar has a g*n.

Look, I know how this looks, but I really wasn't following you.

As a matter of fact, as soon as I realized it was you, I started moving down to the next win

- Ho! You're not maddie! Keep your hands up.

Ok! It's just great! She's not maddie! I know who she is.

Who are you?

Me, I'm nobody.

Just a perfect stranger.

I ain't buying that, pal.

Well, then, a next

-To

-Average stranger.

Look, this is all just a little mix

-Up.

You see, I thought she was someone else.

And while we're standing around here chatting, the someone else I thought she was is somewhere else doing something else with somebody that ain't me.

So if you'll excuse me, I really got to run.

One more step and I'll blow your head off.

Ok we'll compromise.

I'll take little tiny steps, and you can aim for

- Ok.

Let me ask you a question.

If I got to stand here, how come that guy gets to stand out on the ledge?

Aah! Are you sure you're not maddie?

You sure hit like maddie.

No, maddie, one thank

-You's enough, honey.

Mmm, come here.

Aah! Oh, why can't I just once wake up next to a live body?

Hey! Open up, police! Police?

This might be a good time for a station break.

Open up! But then again, I'm just an actor.

What do I know?

Police, open up! In here! Out through the window! That's it.

Don't go nowhere.

Just hold it right there.

We just want to talk to you.

Aah! Niagara falls! Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch

- Knock it off.

Everybody knows that bit.

You! Hi.

Did you tell them?

Did you tell them what happened?

They think I k*lled that guy! Hey, ask her! She was there! Ask her what happened! Hey! Thank you! Great! Terrific.

How's your head, baby?

It ain't my head I'm worried about, it's my

- Niagara

- Shut up, you! You are going to tell them, aren't you?

Powder or spray?

What?

Infestation preventative.

Did they use powder or spray?

Spray?

Spray.

Good.

2 Or 3 weeks later, powder ends up in places you don't even want to think about.

Hey don't look so sad.

I'll tell them.

You will?

Sure.

Here.

No offense, but you look like hell, baby.

I feel like hell.

Who's maddie?

What?

When you were climbing in from the ledge, you said you were looking for maddie.

Who's he?

He?

He's a she.

Huh?

She.

I mean, her.

Maddie.

The guy.

I mean, it's not a guy, it's a girl.

In fact, I thought you were he.

She.

Her.

You.

Oh.

Yeah.

This she, this her

- I mean, is she, like, your wife?

Maddie?

Just thought maybe.

No.

Well, she must be someone you care about.

I mean, look at you.

You wouldn't do that to yourself if it wasn't for someone that you care about.

I mean, I know whereof I speak.

That man I m*rder*d tonight?

I would have k*lled for him.

What?

You k*lled that guy tonight?

Shh.

Excuse me for just a second.

Guard! Hey, guard! Yo! My man, come on in here a minute! Hey! Stop yelling! Stop yelling?

You just confessed, you dizzy broad! Fine, I'll confess again! Why were you following this maddie?

I was worried about her.

She said some things to me that she never said before.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I guess I was just trying to make sure she didn't get in any trouble.

There's a lot of crazy people out there.

You're telling me.

So, what did she say?

It's not important.

Really?

Does she know you love her?

What?

I'm sorry.

It's just so clear.

She doesn't know, does she?

Tell her.

Tell her?

Tell her what?

I'm not

- Yes, you are.

Tell her.

Just tell her.

Tell her! What have you got to lose?

You caught yourself a break, addison.

Lieutenant wants to get this done now.

Tell her.

And let me know how it goes.

So let me get this straight

- You didn't k*ll this guy.

That's right.

The blonde k*lled this guy.

That's right.

Second cop: but not your blonde, the other blonde.

The looker in the cell outside?

That's right.

And you don't know anything about it?

You were following your blonde, then you got mixed up and ended up following this blonde.

That's right.

With a g*n in your hand in the victim's hotel room

- That's right! That's very cute.

Let's start at the beginning.

Why were you following your blonde?

I don't know.

You don't know?

I was worried about her.

What were you worried about?

What, is she something to you?

Wife?

Sister?

She's nothing to me.

Nothing to you?

You chased her all over town until I care about her.

That's what she is to me, she's somebody I care about.

I think I'm in care with her.

In care with her?

You know what I mean.

If we find her, she'll back up your story?

What do you mean?

He means that if we find her, she'll corroborate the fact that the two of you are in care.

I don't know.

You don't know! I don't know if she knows that I'm in care with her.

Hey, david, don't you think you ought to tell her?

Is this david addison?

Yeah.

Agent sherlock, f.

B.

I.

Can you identify these?

It's maddie's coat and hat.

I thought so.

Your m*rder*r's outside.

The dead man's her husband.

Ooh, I told you.

The woman's joan tenowitz.

About 2 years ago, her husband pulled off the new york armored car robbery for 1.

6 Million, then vanished.

No contact with his wife, no contact with anybody.

So when she flew out here yesterday, we decided to keep tabs on her just in case, and sure enough, they met up.

Looks like they were going to leave the country together, but, uh, somewhere along the line, the misses got ideas of her own.

sh*t him.

sh*t their fence, too.

Took the money for herself.

You can let him go.

I can go?

Yeah.

I can go?

You wouldn't happen to know where the other blonde went, would you.

And if she went there by herself?

David I'll tell her.

The black, the blue.

I thrust, she parries.

I teeter, she totters.

Well, that's all over, folks.

It's time we both thrusted together.

It's time we lay it on the line, lay it on the bed

- Lay it anywhere we damn well want, as long as it finally gets done! Ladies and gentlemen, this is it.

No more fooling around, no more teasing, no more back

-And

-Forth parody.

We all know it's just our way of priming the pump.

Tonight, it happens.

Tonight the itch gets scratched.

Sergeant, can we get back to work?

Yeah.

Hey, can I bum a ride from somebody?

Hey, maybe you guys ought to stick around in case I need a ride home.

Nah, never mind.

Not necessary.

Maddie! Yo, maddie! Maddie, I got something to tell you! Now listen I know it's 4:00 in the morning

- Can I help you?

Hi.

Hi.

Maddie's asleep.

I can get her if it's important.

No.

No, it's not that important.

Sorry to bother you.

Hey, wait.

Look, I can run upstairs and wake her up

- No.

No, don't.

Don't do that.

It's really not that important.

Sorry to bother you.

♪ When you just give love ♪ ♪ and never get love ♪ ♪ you better let love depart ♪ ♪ I know so ♪ ♪ and still I know ♪ ♪ I can't get you out of of my heart ♪ ♪ you ♪ ♪ made me leave ♪ ♪ my happy home ♪ ♪ you took my love ♪ ♪has been such misery ♪ ♪ and pain ♪ ♪ I guess I'll never ♪ ♪ be the same ♪ ♪ since I fell ♪ ♪ for you ♪ ♪ well, it's too bad ♪ ♪ and it's too sad ♪ ♪ that I'm in love with you ♪ ♪ well, you loved me ♪ ♪ and then you snubbed me ♪