03x11 - Bertrille and the Silent Flicks

[bunniefuu]

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NARRATOR: When our Mother General in Culebra asked us

to help raise funds for a new school,

the first thought was a rummage sal-- I mean, sale.

The second thought was a scavenger hunt

to get the inventory for the rummage sale.

So we selected our best scavenger and sent her out

among our local citizens to collect

any odds and ends they no longer needed.

The trouble was most of the odds and ends

they no longer needed, nobody needed.

Sister Bertrille, I can't find the other one.

That's all there is. I thought we could sell this one

as a package deal. You know, the shoe and statue together.

Ah. No, the wrong foot.

Oh, well, I'll play you a little tune.

Oh... How about this?

How about it? Sister Bertrille,

I don't think we're gonna have much of a rubbish sale.

That's rummagesale.

But were a rubbish sale, we'd be in great shape.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

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Oh, this will be a great help to us, Reverend Mother.

And I want to thank all your Sisters

for working so hard to make the rummage sale a success.

We are only too pleased to do it, Mother General.

I understand you've collected quite a bit of, uh...

interesting and unique things.

It, uh, doesn't look very promising, does it?

I have something here I'm sure that Carlos will want to buy.

Won't that look great in his casino?

It does not look in very good condition. Does it work?

Sometimes. But Carlos isn't very fussy.

Then this is the place for him to shop.

Well, there are a few items on the next table

that aren't too bad. I'd like to see them.

Very good.

[♪♪♪]

Is anything good in there?

Oh, some magazines.

And some books.

Building Crystal Radios for Fun and Profit.

What You Should Know About Prohibition.

Oh, sounds like the bestseller list of .

Will you look at this? A movie magazine

with Norma Talmadge on the cover.

Oh, who's Norma Talmadge?

Who is Norma Talmadge?

Well, you might just as well ask who is Clara Bow?

Oh, who is Clara Bow?

Sister, these were very famous movie actresses.

They starred in some of the greatest pictures ever made:

Smiling Through, Orphans of the Storm,

Sons of Love, Madame DuBarry, New York Knights.

I could go on and on.

How come if they were such great pictures,

they never made The Late Show?

Oh, do you know who was voted starlet of tomorrow for ?

I didn't go to the movies much in .

It was Gloria Davenport,

who appeared in her first film, Lure of the West.

MOTHER GENERAL: Wrong.

Her first picture was called Desert Madness.

Well, the magazine says-- MOTHER GENERAL: I don't care

what it says in the magazine.

I guess I ought to know the name of my first--

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You're Gloria Davenport?

No.

I'm Mother General Adelaide.

Now, will you please excuse me?

But you used to be Gloria Davenport.

Ages ago.

Oh, wow, a real-life movie star.

Ex-movie star.

Well, how long were you in film?

Until the talkies came,

then the sound of my own voice terrified me.

So I retired. Really?

Oh, and you had to quit show business. What a shame.

I hardly think so, Sister Bertrille.

There are other ways to find fulfillment.

Indeed.

MOTHER GENERAL: Now, Reverend Mother,

shall we let the Sisters get on with their work?

By all means. Sisters.

How do you like that?

The most promising star of

right here in the convent.

Listen to this. Do you know how much she made

for a single picture? Eighty thousand dollars.

Too bad she didn't save some of it.

We wouldn't have to be peddling all this junk.

[CLOCK CHIMING]

What time is that? A full house.

[LAUGHS]

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[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yes, yes, wait a minute.

Come in, please.

How do you do? Sit down, please.

I'll call you later. May I help you, please?

Yes, Leonardo, is Carlos around?

He is at the casino, but he will be right back.

How are things at the convent, Sister Bertrille?

Fine.

Leonardo, have you ever heard of an actress

by the name of Gloria Davenport? Hear of her?

I saw every picture she was in.

You did? Was she good?

The best. What an actress and what a woman.

Hello, Sister.

The beautiful face. That magnificent figure.

Just to look at her, it gives you a thrilling experience.

Who is he talking about? Our Mother General.

Leonardo.

I was talking about

Gloria Davenport, the movie star.

That's who our Mother General used to be.

You're kidding.

No, she was just telling us all about it.

You mean Gloria Davenport is at the convent?

Oh, I would give anything to meet her.

Really? Well, maybe I can arrange it.

I see her, that magnificent woman in Lure of the West.

I must have seen it at least times that picture.

And I can see it times more.

Now, that's an idea.

To see it times more? How about just once?

You know, if the convent ran an old Gloria Davenport film

and told the people who she is,

I bet we can make a lot of money.

Make it Lure of the West, and you'll clean up.

That face, that figure.

Okay, okay, that's enough. You're repeating yourself now.

Now you want to see me? Oh, yes.

Carlos, the convent is running a rummage sale,

and it's to raise money for the school in Culebra,

and I thought-- Oh, oh. Just a moment.

I think I have the right thing for you.

I thought I threw it away last year.

Since I didn't, it's yours.

Thanks.

So you see, Mother General Adelaide,

I'm sure we could raise much more money that way

than we ever could on a rummage sale.

But where would you get the film?

From the Museum of Modern Art, New York.

They've got a fantastic collection.

We rent the Palacio Theater for Monday night

because that's the night they're closed.

I'm sure it would be a sell-out.

You bet. After all, we'll have

the only movie in town that night.

Aren't you being a little optimistic?

Who remembers Gloria Davenport anymore?

I'll show you.

Leonardo, you can meet her now.

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Miss Davenport, you have no idea

how I'd be looking forward for this moment.

I never dreamed that I could have the chance to--

[YELPS] Oh, hi.

Sister Sixto. How are you?

Leonardo, I would like you to meet

our Mother General Adelaide, formerly Gloria Davenport.

Forgive me, Mother General, but you look different off-screen.

A little older?

Just a little.

Thank you.

Leonardo, the Mother General doesn't think

anyone will remember her anymore.

Oh, that's not true.

Your fans have never forgotten you.

MOTHER GENERAL: But what about the younger people?

When they see the picture, they will never forget you either.

You see? Well, if you think

you can get an audience to see Lure of the West,

I'm sure I have no objection.

Oh, thank you. I'll write the museum right away.

And I personally will take care of renting the theater,

getting all the publicity and selling the tickets.

That's very kind of you.

But there is only one more thing.

Please, may I have your autograph?

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Now, you must excuse me.

She still is the greatest.

Even if she changes a little.

Mother General Adelaide?

That's one of the changes.

NARRATOR: In about a week, the museum wrote

that they were sending the film.

Leonardo got busy with the publicity in his spare time.

It made a big impression.

Gloria Davenport in Lure of the West.

Gloria Davenport in Lure of the West?

You know, mother, I think that travel agent was right.

This place is practically untouched by civilization.

They're still showing silent pictures.

[BOTH LAUGH]

NARRATOR: Finally, the film itself arrived.

And Sister Bertrille persuaded Carlos

to run it off on his projector for the committee

as a kind of sneak preview.

[FILM WHIRRING]

Oh, here she is.

"I need some water for cooking."

Shh.

She doesn't look like the Mother General to me.

"Do not be afraid, my damn sel." Oh, damsel.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[SISTERS LAUGHING]

Is anything wrong, Carlos?

Everything is wrong. This picture is a joke.

Well, we're laughing, aren't we?

Would you be laughing if the Mother General were here?

We cannot show this picture to the public.

Sisters, I am afraid that we have

blundered into an unfortunate mistake.

I am afraid that we have no alternative

but to call off the whole project.

Well, maybe it's supposed to be funny,

you know, like a put out.

That's a put-on.

Isn't it the same difference?

Not quite. Put out is what the Mother General

is going to be if we put it on.

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There she is with Leonardo.

Yes. Well, good. He should hear this too

so he can stop whatever he's been doing.

Mother General. Leonardo.

May I speak with you for a moment, please?

Of course. But may I show you something first?

Will you look at that?

A check for--

For $.

MOTHER GENERAL: It's for the Culebra School Fund.

Then we don't have to show the movie.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, if you already have $, then the money we make

from a regular old rummage sale will be enough.

MOTHER GENERAL: But this $ is from the movie.

Leonardo just gave it to me.

That's right. I sold out the whole house for Monday night.

It's standing room only.

Swell. It looks like we have a hit on our hands.

I don't know what I can do to help you.

You should have called the movie off, as I suggested.

How could we when your man sold out the entire theater?

I had nothing to do with that. I didn't even buy a ticket.

Besides, he's not my man. He works for you.

While he was selling the tickets, he was working for you.

I was just paying his salary.

Carlos, what am I going to do?

You know how that audience is going to laugh.

With the Mother General sitting there,

it's just gonna be a disaster.

Why don't you keep her out of the theater?

Leonardo already gave her a complimentary ticket.

He'll probably arrange for a police escort too.

I can suggest a hundred ways

to stop her from going to the theater.

How? All I could think of was to lock her in a room.

So? Don't be silly.

We can't use force on her.

That eliminates half of my suggestions.

Yeah, that's what makes it so hard.

We can't detain her physically, and we can't lie to her.

There goes the other half.

Well, that leaves me with one last drastic choice.

Burn down the theater.

Not that drastic.

I have to tell her the truth.

She has to know before tomorrow night

what to expect from that audience.

You mean you're going to tell the Mother General

to her face how idiotic and ridiculous

she looks in that picture? You can't do that.

Maybe I'll burn down the theater.

Maria. Oh, give me Renaldo Garcia in Culebra.

Since Carlos couldn't come up with any bright ideas,

I guess I have to speak with the Mother General.

Unless you'd rather.

Don't hesitate, Sister Bertille.

Remember, the movie showing is tomorrow night.

I didn't think you'd rather.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Come in.

Oh, Mother General.

Reverend Mother. Sister.

I just got the most wonderful phone call

from a man in Culebra.

A Señor, uh, Renaldo Garcia.

He's a building contractor who's heard about our new school

and wants to donate his services to build part of it.

That is splendid.

MOTHER GENERAL: I can't tell you how excited I am.

There's just one problem.

The man wants me to come to Culebra tomorrow

to discuss the details.

Tomorrow night?

No, during the day.

Oh, what a shame.

I mean that you have to make a two-hour boat trip both ways.

Oh, I don't mind that. But there's no boat back tomorrow.

I'm going to have to miss the movie.

You mean you won't be there? At all?

I'm afraid not. Señor Garcia insists on seeing me tomorrow

before he leaves on a business trip.

Well, I guess there is nothing that can be done about it then.

And you're sure that there's no way

you can make it back in time to see the movie?

Well, there's no plane connection between the islands

and it's too far to swim.

So I don't see how I could make it.

Unless you know of a way to fly without a plane.

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Sister? Don't you think we should start getting ready?

The movie starts in about an hour.

Okay. I'll tell Reverend Mother.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Good evening, Sister Bertrille.

Leonardo, what are you doing here?

I brought some friends to call for Mother General

and to drive her to the theater.

Oh, excuse me. This is some of her old admirers.

So I see.

I'm sorry, but the Mother General isn't here.

She's already at the theater?

She had to go to Culebra. She couldn't get back tonight

because there weren't any boats running.

You mean the star is going to miss her own picture?

Well, that's show business.

Besides, I'm sure she's seen it before.

But that's not the point. This was supposed to be her night.

What was so special in Culebra?

She said she had to meet a man named Señor Renaldo Garcia.

Ah, the builder contractor. You know him?

He is a friend of Carlos.

Is she coming soon, Leonardo?

She is not here. No, why?

She had to leave. She's gone away.

Oh.

We have to leave. It's the wrong day.

I still say it is unfair.

Who was that?

That was the Gloria Davenport fan club.

And, boy, are they lucky it's a silent picture.

NARRATOR: And were we lucky the Mother General was in Culebra.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sister.

I have good news.

The Mother General will be here soon.

How?

Not now, but soon.

I said-- [AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHUSHING]

So he called his friend in Culebra

who owns a private airplane

and told him where he could reach the Mother General

so he could fly out to San Tanco.

Oh, no.

Leonardo. Leonardo, where is he?

Izzy? Izzy is home in bed with lumbago.

No. Leonardo. Leonardo!

Shh...

Sister. This is a theater.

Sister...

Aren't you even interested to know where Leonardo is?

He drove to the airfield to meet the Mother General

so he could bring her here.

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Leonardo. Oh! [GASPS]

Sister Bertrille. How did you get here?

Well, I-- I got a lift.

Listen, I have something very important to tell you

about the Mother General.

Well, Lure of the Westisn't exactly the way you remember it.

You see, we saw it.

And it's not like that at all.

[AIRCRAFT DRONING] [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

And so you see the trouble that we're in.

That was my friend's plane that just landed

with Mother General. What are we going to do?

Well, I've got to go meet the Mother General.

So you stay here and try to think of some ways to stall her.

I will.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Good evening, Leonardo.

I want to thank you for going to so much trouble for me.

It was my pleasure. Mother General Adelaide.

Are you sure you didn't leave something in the plane?

Nothing. All I had was the overnight bag you're carrying.

Well, I'd better go and check.

What for? Well, that's just it.

If I knew what for, I wouldn't have to check.

Oh, please. Now, let's not keep Leonardo waiting.

Thank you. This way, please.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

What's wrong?

I have no idea.

When it comes to cars, I am an ignoramus.

Then I'll take a look.

But now, Mother General. Now, I don't think you should bother

because Leonardo is going to phone the Auto Club.

Yeah, I'll phone the Automobile Club.

Nonsense. They may take hours to get out here.

Well, Leonardo doesn't mind waiting.

No, I wouldn't mind waiting.

Ah, just what I thought.

The battery cable came loose.

All right, Leonardo. Let's go.

Now. Now, remember Leonardo. Very slowly.

It's night time, and we must be concerned

with the Mother General's safety.

Twenty miles an hour is the maximum.

Yes.

At that rate, we'll miss the film completely.

Your safety is more important to us, Mother General.

If anything should happen while Leonardo was driving,

he'd never be able to forgive himself.

That's right. I will never forgive myself.

Never. In that case, I'll drive.

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[ENGINE REVS]

It'll be over soon.

Not soon enough to suit me.

Mother General, don't you think we should wait

until Leonardo finishes parking?

Well, what for? He's got his ticket.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Laughing? That's funny.

Well, maybe that's why they're laughing.

Well, I don't understand it.

There isn't a funny scene in the entire picture.

What's the matter with these people?

This is a tender love story.

Well, you see, Mother General,

it's the generation gap.

Tastes have changed-- Hush.

Will you look at that?

Oh, I always thought Ronald was a ham,

but I never realized how much.

No one in there laughing...

Now I know why we made a good team.

I should have realized.

To think it used to be a tearjerker...

Well, in some ways, it still is.

I mean, I bet there isn't a dry eye in the house.

[♪♪♪]

You see Reverend Mother,

Mother General Adelaide is a smash.

I must confess, I really do not understand.

Either there is a generation gap or there is not.

Well, we kids--

I mean, they feel that it's campy.

Leonardo says that Gloria Davenport

is bigger than Mae West.

Not around the hips.

Reverend Mother, I had this idea

we could use some new equipment in the classrooms.

I am waiting to hear your idea.

The return of High in the Saddle,

starring Gary Gibson and Ginger, the Wonder Horse.

I like Mary Pickford better.

Are you kidding?

This is the all-time greatest Western in .

I can see no objections yet.

Swell, now all we have to do is get Bishop Donovan's permission

to show the film. I'm afraid to ask.

Bishop Donovan was Gary Gibson, right?

Wrong. Thank heavens.

He was the bad guy.

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