03x14 - Dear Aggie

[bunniefuu]

["THE FLYING NUN" THEME SONG PLAYS]

[BARKING]

[♪♪♪]

SISTER JACQUELINE: D-Day at the convent.

The D stood for Delphina, our pet cat.

It also stood for departed, disappeared

or just plain deserted.

In any case, Delphina was missing,

and we were searching for her

with everything from primitive lures

to modern scientific technology

to a little trick even science didn't know about.

Sister Sixto, I--

I see something moving in the bushes behind you, over.

I can't see anything over. I'll try under.

Delphina, we know you're in there.

Come on out.

Come on. Come on...

I believe I'm the only one here, Sister Bertrille.

It's Delphina. She's lost. We've looked for her everywhere.

There must be something else we can do.

I thought about putting an ad in the paper.

You know, "cat lost." Hey, that's a good idea.

And maybe we can offer a reward.

A little one. Well, perhaps.

A very little one.

[DELPHINA MEOWS]

Oh!

SISTER SIXTO: There she is.

SISTER BERTRILLE: You mean there they are.

Oh, dear. How beautiful.

She's had her babies.

Well, at least we've saved

the cost of a newspaper ad.

I don't think so, Sister Jacqueline.

Instead of one "cat lost,"

make it "available: six kittens."

That ad brought more results than we expected.

It took the kittens off our hands

but left us holding a tiger by the tail.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCKS SOFTLY]

Excuse me.

Could you tell me where I could find

the, uh, classified ad department?

Right down the hall, Sister. Okay.

Oh, Sister, excuse me.

I wonder if you would answer a question for me.

What kind of question? Well, excuse me, Sister.

Why don't you sit down?

It's, uh, more of a personal problem.

Sit down.

That's right.

Now, let's say a certain man

got so drunk he didn't know what he was doing,

and when this certain man was in this condition,

this man proposed to three different women.

Well, you certainly do have a problem there.

No, no, you haven't heard the problem yet.

The question is-- Which one should he marry?

No. Should he tell his wife?

You have a wife too?

Oh, my goodness. How could you do such a thing?

No, no, no, Sister. This isn't about me.

No, I don't even have a wife. No, this is a problem

that was sent in by one of our readers.

To the Sports Department?

What happened to those kind of questions like,

"Who was on first?" and-- Well, you see, Sister,

it happens that I'm not just the editor in chief

of the Sports Department.

It happens I'm also Dear Aggie.

You? Si.

After years, she found a husband and quit,

so now I'm stuck with it. Well, maybe after years,

you'll find yourself a wife. And get myself into trouble

like this poor guy? No, thank you. Heh.

It wasn't his wife that got him into trouble,

it was his drinking. Si.

But who drove him to it, huh?

I can see with your ideas, you're going to write

a very interesting column. Now, look, Sister,

I'm used to writing about home runs, not home wreckers.

That's why I asked you to help me.

Now, what do I suggest to this lover boy?

Well, tell him to tell her the truth

and hope she forgives him. No, no.

This is what he writes.

"P.S.,I would rather not tell my wife what happened.

She objects to my drinking." Swell.

Have him tell her he proposed to three women

while he was sober. I think she'd rather have him drinking.

Hey. Say, that's a great idea.

Now he don't have to sneak out to a bar to get drunk.

He could get drunk at home.

The only woman he can propose to is his own wife.

Sister, I think you just saved a marriage.

[♪♪♪]

Sister Bertrille? Excuse me.

There's someone here to see you.

Señor? Mister?

Oh! Señor Malinas,

how good to see you. Hello.

Sisters, this is Señor Rickie Malinas,

the sports writer I was telling you about.

How do you do? Oh, yes, hello.

Well, how's "Dear Aggie," huh?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I'm beginning to get some reader response.

I broke up an engagement, started a family feud,

put two marriages on the rocks...

and I got this while trying to stop

a neighborhood disagreement.

With a little bit of practice,

I could probably start World w*r III.

Looks like you don't need any practice.

Maybe you should just stick to sports.

Exactly why I'm here.

Sister, how would you like

to write my column for me? Me?

Oh, well, that's impossible.

I-- I-- I don't mean permanently.

Just until the paper hires someone else.

But why me?

Because there is only one question

I answered that didn't start any trouble.

And that was the question you answered.

Oh, well, that was just luck. I really can't help you.

I'm just not qualified. You mean you're turning me down?

Well... Well, Señor Malinas...

He's crying.

He must be a very sensible man.

"Sensitive."

Señor, you mustn't cry. I can't help it.

It's the kittens.

Oh, we were both right.

He's both sensible and sensitive.

You mean you're allergic?

Si.The kittens are making me cry.

Oh, well, they're making us pretty sad too.

If we don't find a home for them,

we'll have to send them to the animal shelter.

Better take them to another room.

Wait a minute, Sister.

Look, I'm a sportswriter,

so I'll make you a sporting proposition.

You write my column for me,

I'll find a home for those cats.

When? I'll take them with me now.

Well, what about your allergy?

It's worth a few tears not to have to write that column!

What do you think, Sisters?

Well, as he says,

it would probably only be temporary.

And for the kittens in an animal shelter,

it might be permanent.

Well, okay, it's a deal.

Great, Sister. Here are the letters.

"Dear Aggie, I recently met a man I like very much.

After only one date, he sent me a gift,

an inexpensive charm bracelet

that sells for . approximately."

I wonder what the exact price was.

"Is it proper for me to accept this gift?

Signed, Uncertain." I think she should mail the bracelet back.

A . bracelet? The postage would come to more.

That's not the point. She's had only one date with the man.

But if she sends it back, she may not get another.

Well, that's the chance she'll just have to take.

If he really cares for her, he'll understand.

And if he doesn't understand,

then maybe he doesn't respect her.

And for a girl to learn all that for . is a bargain.

[♪♪♪]

"To a wonderful friend." Hmm.

Oh, Roberto, do you know how this got on my desk?

I put it there.

Why, thank you. That's very nice of you.

Are men wearing charm bracelets now?

I thought it was just love beads.

Carlos, I didn't mean for you to wear it.

Oh. I wanted your advice.

About the bracelet? Sort of.

I gave it to a girl to wear last weekend,

and she sent it back with this letter.

Oh. Hold that.

Uh-huh. "Dear Roberto, I don't think

we know each other well enough for me to accept

even such an expensive gift--" Inexpensive.

Inexpensive? Oh.

"If you respect me, you'll understand

why I'm returning it. Your friend, Margareta."

What do you think she's getting at?

How much did you pay for that?

Three ninety-eight. That's what she's getting at.

How can you send a girl something so cheap?

You said it was nice. You didn't think it was cheap!

Well, I'm not your girlfriend. I'm your boss.

I know how much you make.

Now, this girl obviously has very expensive tastes.

If you want to make an impression on her,

you have to do much better than ..

On what I make?!

Are you discussing your girlfriend

or asking me for a raise?

It looks like the two are connected.

If you wanted to impress a girl

without spending much money on her,

Carlos, what would you do?

Well, I don't know. I think the cheapest thing to do

would be to take her on my yacht.

Well, you see where that leaves me.

Okay.

I get the message.

Here. What is this?

The keys to my boat.

Maybe you can get your romance off the ground

by taking a trip on the water.

[♪♪♪]

SISTER BERTRILLE: Sisters? Hm?

Look, our first "Dear Aggie" fan mail. Heh.

Remember that girl that signed her letter "Uncertain"?

Oh, the one you advised to return the . bracelet?

Right. Listen to what she writes here.

Ahem. "Dear Aggie, your advice was perfect.

I returned the bracelet as you suggested,

and the next thing I knew, my boyfriend invited me

for a cruise on his yacht."

He owns a yacht and he gave her a . charm bracelet?

Well, it's the thought that counts.

I wonder what he could've been thinking.

"My problem now is that I've never been on a yachting cruise,

and I don't know what to wear or what to take along.

Can you help me?" Mm.

Oh, I guess she should take along a bathing suit.

Right? We're not supposed to guess.

We're supposed to know.

Well, the way to know is to ask.

And when it comes to problems involving girls on yachts,

the one to ask is the world's foremost authority.

Now, what should a girl take along on a yachting cruise?

Hmm. What is she, a nun, a novice or a Reverend Mother?

Oh.

This one's a civilian.

Oh. Well, in that case,

I think she should take along a bathing suit,

uh, shorts, a blouse,

scarf for her hair

and something warm in case it gets rough.

Wait a second. I've got to get this all down now.

Now, if she's smart, she takes along her mother.

Her mother? Mm-hm.

In case it reallygets rough.

She brought her mother along?

What for?

For the whole trip. [CHUCKLES]

Were you able to be any time alone with the girl?

I don't want to criticize, Carlos,

but your boat wasn't big enough.

My boat wasn't big enough? With her mother along,

the Queen Marywouldn't be big enough.

It was always the three of us crowded together.

If I tried to kiss Margareta,

I got her mother instead.

You mean to tell me nothing happened?

Well, I kissed her mother three times.

You should have thrown her overboard.

I couldn't do that to an old lady.

I don't mean the old lady. I mean the girl.

If you know what's good for you, you will throw her overboard.

Carlos, she's so beautiful.

It doesn't do you any good.

It's her mother you're kissing.

What ever made her bring her mother along?

She says she was told to.

By whom? By Dear Aggie.

You know, the one who gives the advice in the newspaper.

Oh, yeah.

Somebody should give her some advice...

to mind her own business.

She's supposed to solve people's problems,

but the only problem I had was the one she gave me.

Oh, of all the crazy, idiotic things to tell a girl.

Especially my girl.

I know you tried to help me, Carlos,

but thanks to Dear Aggie,

the only pleasure I got from that pleasure cruise

was when it ended. Well, that settles it!

I'm going to find Dear Aggie.

I'm going to tell her she's in the wrong job.

A newspaper writer is supposed to report the news,

not make it!

Here. Wrong one.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Yes?

Oh, I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong department.

I was looking for Dear Aggie.

Wait a minute, señor.

I am she. I don't believe it!

I guess you're surprised to find that Aggie is a man, eh?

I am also very glad. This way, I don't have to pull my punches.

Now, señor, I think maybe you've got the wrong Aggie.

Okay, who is the real Aggie, and where can I find her?

I'm sorry, señor. This I cannot tell you.

Not even to a big advertiser in this newspaper?

How big?

Carlos Ramirez. You might be familiar

with my gambling casino. [SIGHS]

Too familiar. I'm sorry, Señor Ramirez,

but you won't find her here. You see, she's a Sister.

A relative, huh? Hmph, it figures.

No, no, I don't mean that kind of a sister.

I mean she's a nun.

A nun? Oh, no, no.

That's impossible. Yes, you see,

this very nice young nun writes the column for us.

But more than this, I cannot tell you.

I don't think you have to tell me anything else.

Thank you. But she loves Roberto!

You shouldn't have interfered.

I interfered?!

Reverend Mother, how do you like that?

Now it's all my fault!

There is absolutely no point

in pursuing this argument.

I think we can agree

that Sister Bertrille's Dear Aggie days are over.

And there will be no more letters of advice.

With all due respect, Reverend Mother,

I think there should be one more letter.

To Roberto's girlfriend.

You should've heard her on the phone, Carlos,

the way she apologized

and promised to trust me from now on.

That's fine. Are you going to see her again?

She invited me to dinner at her house Thursday.

Her house? With her whole family hanging around, right?

You're going to be kissing her mother again.

I thought of that, but I didn't want to make trouble.

What trouble? She promised to trust you, right?

Now, call her and tell her that dinner is at your house.

My house? Of course.

It will be much better that way.

You know, you turn the lights down

and you put some, uh, soft music in the background.

Carlos, you never saw my apartment.

What's wrong with your apartment?

The kitchen is just big enough

to boil an egg... a small one.

And between the drippy faucet and the rattling refrigerator,

she'll never hear the music.

You sound like you need a handyman more than a girlfriend.

Okay, we've come this far,

we might as well go the whole way.

You can use my house.

You mean that? Yeah.

On Thursday, I'm going out anyway, so it's all yours.

First your yacht, and now your-- Your house.

Carlos, I want you to know that to me,

you are more than just a boss.

Yeah, I know. We are almost partners.

Sister Jacqueline? Mm-hm?

I have to talk to you

about this letter from Margareta Pedrosa.

Who's she? Roberto's girlfriend.

Are you still playing Dear Aggie?

You were supposed to turn in your typewriter.

Well, I did. But when I went to return my material

to Señor Malinas, he gave me this letter.

And I just felt I had to show it to somebody.

Oh, all right, let me see.

"Dear Aggie, I'm writing to tell you

how your wonderful letter saved my romance."

Sister Bertrille, I don't have time now for true confessions.

Oh, but, Sister Jacqueline, read on. This is very important.

Mm, let's see.

Um, "I called my boyfriend and apologized like you suggested.

Now he's invited me to dinner Thursday night at his house,

which must be a magnificent place

because it's on Regency Road.

My family didn't think I should go,

but you told me to trust him, so I'm following your advice."

Yeah, well?

Don't you know who lives on Regency Road?

No. Carlos lives on Regency Road.

Well, uh, what are you getting at?

I think it's Carlos who's interested in this girl,

not Roberto, and it's his yacht she was on

and it's his house she was going to.

Yes, but why would he tell you that story about Roberto?

Obviously so we would influence the girl

to trust him, which we did. In less than an hour,

Margareta Pedrosa is going into his house because of us.

Us? Oh.

Well, I'm using the editorial "us."

Mm. Look, Sister Jacqueline,

you think I ought to intercept her before she goes in?

Well, do you think you can get there in time?

Well, I can get there in about minutes as the crow flies,

if you know what I have in mind.

Ah, yes, I know what you have in mind.

[♪♪♪]

I still have a few minutes before I have to leave.

Why don't you go to the kitchen and prepare the salad?

I'll have the champagne ready.

Champagne too?

Don't you think I'll be spoiling her?

You want to make an impression on her, right?

Sure. Okay.

But it'll be an awful letdown next time,

when all she gets is root beer.

Go prepare the salad.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS SOFTLY]

Thanks for driving me, Luis. LUIS: Mm-hm.

And tell Mama not to worry. I am not a little girl anymore.

I am a grown woman. That's why she is worried.

Luis, what are you doing?

I am only walking a little behind you.

Excuse me. Huh?

Are you Margareta Pedrosa?

That's right. Wonderful.

I've got to talk to you

before you go in there. About what?

About the advice you got from Dear Aggie.

Don't believe a word of it.

Who are you? Dear Aggie.

Oh!

So that's how it happened that I became Dear Aggie.

And this is not a disguise.

I'm really sorry for everything I've done.

Why be sorry? You have given me nothing but good advice.

If it weren't for you, I would not be here tonight.

Well, that's what I'm sorriest for.

I have to tell you,

the man in there is an unbelievable playboy.

Hm? And all that advice I gave you

about trusting him was a terrible mistake.

And you wanted me to tell Mama not to worry.

A playboy?

It does not seem possible.

Both times I went out with him, he-- He was so nice.

Yeah, well, he happens to be a very nice playboy.

But don't expect him to be serious with you.

[JAZZ PLAYING ON STEREO]

Carlos, she'll be here any minute.

I'm leaving. I just have to dry my hands.

If she comes when I'm here, I'll leave the back way.

Are you sure we are talking about the right man?

Well, yes, go look for yourself.

He's in there right now, fixing the champagne.

[SIGHS]

It is him. That settles it.

You are going home. [SIGHS]

Not yet, Luis.

Not without speaking to him first.

I'll be right back.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Margareta, my darling.

Roberto, there is something I must ask you.

What is that?

Is it true that you are--? Are really a playboy?

Me?

Now, look, darling.

Just because I accidentally kissed your mother--

Oh, I do not mean that!

I mean a real playboy!

Margareta, darling, do I look like a playboy?

Frankly, no.

But you cannot always tell a book by its cover.

[SIGHS]

A Guide for the Single Man Who Wants to Stay Single.

Margareta, darling... you said yourself

you can't always judge a book by its cover.

She was right! You are a playboy!

Who was right? Who gave you such an idea?

Oh, I got it from a nun. ROBERTO: A nun?

What nun?

What is this man doing here? He lives here.

I know this is going to sound funny, but--

Oh, then these things are his. Never mind about that. What nun?

The one outside that said I should not come in here.

There is just so much frustration a man can take!

CARLOS: I'm not going to stand for this!

Nobody speaks to my sister like that.

Come on, I know you are there! You bet I am here.

Who are you? I'm looking for the Sister.

Well, you got the brother instead, Mr. Playboy!

Carlos! Speak to me!

What for? It never does any good.

Luis, guess what? It was all a mistake!

Who is that? This is Roberto.

Who is the other guy? Oh, he is the mistake.

You know what you are?

You are a born interferer!

A nuisance and a troublemaker!

And I thank you to get out of my life

and stay out of my life forever!

Oh, Carlos, I'm so glad to see you're back to normal.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

"Dear Aggie, a certain young nun...

loves to interfere in other people's lives.

Recently, she nearly broke up my friend's romance

and got me slugged by a hooligan twice my size.

I gave her a terrible bawling out

and was willing to call the incident closed,

but after thinking it over, I'm not satisfied.

Considering what happened, it seems to me

there should be at least an apology, don't you agree?

Yours truly, Upset."

So? It sounds like

the Sister Bertrille story, as told by Carlos Ramirez.

Heh-heh-heh. And what about the apology?

Well, I think it's all silly,

but you might as well get on with the apologies.

I knew you would! Here. Oh.

[TOY SQUEAKING]

Stay right where you are. Thank you.

Hello, Sister Bertrille. Oh... Hello, Carlos.

Now, tell him what you told me.

Well, I think it's very decent of you to come here,

and I want you to know

that I accept your apology.

[♪♪♪]

["THE FLYING NUN" THEME SONG PLAYS]