[BARKS]
JACQUELINE: The Convent San Tanco is founded solidly on faith.
But everything else is falling apart.
And in spite of everything we could do,
the latest item on the critical list seemed to be
our over-age and overworked washing machine.
I think the machine has kicked the basket.
Well, it certainly does make sense.
Oh, it does work.
But look at the work it does.
JACQUELINE: The backup equipment in the laundry wasn't a*t*matic,
but at least it wasn't likely to break down,
unless we did.
Our dryer wasn't a*t*matic, but it was reliable.
The Tradewinds.
[♪♪♪]
Sister, where are you going?
To get a new washing machine.
This is ridiculous.
Now the way I figure it,
with the new tax bill just passed in Washington,
you can't afford not to buy us a new washing machine.
If you buy it in your name-- Okay.
--you can call it a business expense,
and depreciation-- Sister Bertrille--
Hold it!
You want a new washing machine.
Oh, desperately.
Okay. That's good enough for me.
Oh, Carlos! Only yesterday,
they opened a new laundromat on Carillo Avenue.
Here.
Use it in good health.
Your problems are over.
JACQUELINE: Carlos was only a hundred percent wrong.
Her problems were only beginning.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Harry, when are we gonna knock off?
When somebody comes in with the right detergent, Eddie.
All I want is one beautiful take,
then we need the film to be processed,
and it's off to the Casino Carlos.
You know, I'm not so sure I trust those little casinos.
Well, I know Carlos, and believe me,
you can trust him with anything except women.
Harry, look!
A nun.
A nun with a box of Delight.
Get on the camera, Eddie.
We-- We struck it rich.
Let me help you with that, Sister.
Thank you very much.
I think the last machine was-- Is empty.
Oh, good.
Here we go.
Thank you.
Oh, well, I, uh, I see you're using Delight.
Is it any good? Oh, yes, I like it.
It does half the scrubbing for you.
Yes, but does it have ZYX,
or any of those miracle ingredients in it?
For all I know, it may just have soap in it, but it works great.
Sister, you ought to try some of this, Rubbadubdub.
Rubbadubdub? Are you kidding?
What's wrong? Well, I don't know what--
Rubbadubdub three men in a tub.
It sounds like a soap for people rather than clothes.
I happen to like Rubbadubdub.
A lot a lot a lot, huh?
Well, it has a nice b*at,
but I'd rather stick with Delight.
Well, uh, maybe Delight doesn't have XYZ
or ultra-hyper chloral stain getter-outer in it,
but, uh, does yours get 'em this white, hmm?
Sister, you are absolutely right.
Hmm, I thought it would surprise you.
And now it is my turn to surprise you.
Sister, you have been doing a candid TV commercial
for Delight, and there is our camera.
Oh, a camera!
Oh, and you've been filming everything?
And recording it too.
Oh, I'm so embarr-- Oh, oh!
What did I do? What did I say?
How do I look? How's my hair? I don't know what I--
I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, you're joking. No, you're not joking!
You know, if I'd known, I'd been so nervous.
I just don't...
That's quite all right.
I'm sure you can see this has been
a completely spontaneous interview with-- With-- With--
What is your name?
Sis-- Sister Bertrille.
Where are you from?
Oh! The Convent San Tanco.
[LAUGHING] The Convent San Tanco.
Cut.
Please cut, Eddie.
Well, heh, Sister, I wanna tell you,
you have been very honest in giving us your opinion.
And now I have another surprise for you.
Oh-- Oh, no. How would you like to have
this brand-new washing machine?
Oh! Oh!
I don't believe it.
Why you're the answer to all my prayers.
Congratulations, Sister.
And a year's supply of Delight!
Oh! Is that supply for just me, or for the whole convent?
There's quite a difference.
Hey, you drive a pretty hard bargain, Sister.
Well, they've told me that before.
Well, it'll be a year's supply
for the whole convent, of course.
Oh! It's so wonderful.
Oh, thank you so much.
Quite all right, Sister. Oh!
Now, if you will just sign this release,
I'll make sure that the, uh, the--
The washer and the Delight is sent over to the convent
in a few days. Oh! Thank you.
You know, I was wondering what a nice man like you
was doing in the laundry at this hour.
I've done everything I could, Reverend Mother,
but that machine-- [RHYTHMIC KNOCK ON DOOR]
know that knock.
Come in.
Reverend Mother, wait till you hear.
You know what happened to me today?
I was going-- Sister Bertrille,
just one moment, please.
Continue, Sister Jacqueline.
Well, that machine has problems I can't lick with a hammer,
a pair of plyers, or a bailing wire.
I think it's beyond the power of prayer too.
I tried.
Reverend Mother, the thing I want--
Sister Bertrille, you are interrupting.
Well, Sister Jacqueline,
we simply cannot afford a new washing machine.
Reverend Mother, please.
What we need is a miracle.
I've got one! I've got one!
A miracle or a washing machine?
Both!
Reverend Mother, look at this.
How does that grab you?
Excuse me. I mean...
Ooh.
Whom do we have to thank for this, uh,
latest of your accomplishments? Me!
Well, when I walked into the laundry,
I happened to walk right into a TV candid camera commercial.
With the man there. He says:
"Hello, Sister. Can I help with your laundry?
I see you use Delight."
I say, "I happen to be Delighted with it."
He says, "Well, have you tried Rubadub?"
I say, "No, I'd rather fight then switch.
I'd walk a mile for Delight.
It makes my teeth brighter, gives me less cavities.
It's good, down to the very last drop."
Or whatever I said. Something like that.
Anyway, I said all the right things,
and he's sending us a free, new washing machine
and a year's supply of Delight.
That's cartons. Not boxes, mind you. Cartons.
It's enough detergent to wash all of Puerto Rico.
Sister Bertrille, I realize that
a free washing machine must seem like a wonderful thing.
Seem like? It isa wonderful thing.
Not necessarily.
Personally, I do not believe
that anyone in the religious life
should appear on television
recommending a commercial product.
Oh, but it's-- It's the latest model.
I'm not even sure I can run a new machine.
And it has all the decorator colors, you see.
REVEREND MOTHER: you are missing the point.
The Convent San Tanco is not available for testimonials.
I'll never do it again, Reverend Mother.
Sister Bertrille, you will not do it this time.
You can't mean we aren't going to accept it.
I can. And I do.
You did not sign anything?
[SIGHS]
Sister Bertrille, tomorrow morning,
you will kindly request that the gentleman release you
from you commitment.
Yes, Reverend Mother.
Brand new one. A year's supply of soap.
[♪♪♪]
JACQUELINE: The next day, Sister Bertrille dutifully, if unwillingly,
tracked down Harry Madison to his hotel.
Mr. Madison, am I glad to see you.
Sister Bertrille, I have been watching you all morning,
and you are absolutely marvelous.
Excuse me, please. Oh.
You have-- You have warmth and charm and--
And you're just loaded with sales appeal.
Oh, it's k*lling me, Mr. Madison.
There's gonna be a lot of happy advertising men
in New York tomorrow.
Well, that's nice. But you--
Maybe when they see this, you know, I--
I'll graduate to automobile commercials,
then beer commercials. And who knows,
from there, feature films.
What's the matter?
The Reverend Mother won't let me do it.
Well, why not? It's in good taste.
Wait a minute.
Does-- Does she want to get into the commercial too?
No. But you see, when you're a nun,
you can't do things that ordinary people can do,
because you're a representative of the church.
All you said was you liked Delight.
You do like it, don't you?
Well, yes, but-- Oh, I don't know.
They just have all sorts of rules, and--
Well, I just can't do the commercial.
Well, you've already done it, Sister.
Well, I know it's awful, but you'll just have to undo it.
I-- I can't do that.
But you have to.Sister,
he film's already been processed and cut.
A lot of money has gone into it.
Well, yes, but, please!
It's impossible.
Oh, wait till the Vatican hears about this.
They have pretty good connections.
They're not on Madison Avenue, Sister.
We're gonna go ahead with this.
Well, you better tell those advertising men
not to stick their heads outside a window
during a lightning storm.
JACQUELINE: When Sister Bertrille is troubled,
flying over the green mountains and along the seashore
clears her mind. Flying the way she does
would only clutter up my mind with fear.
Then a way out of her predicament
came to her in one word...Carlos.
I-I begged, I pleaded with him.
I even threatened him, and he still said no.
Well, Harry has a job to do, and he has to do it.
Harry? You mean you know him?
Yeah, he was here in the casino last night.
He was here before on vacation.
Oh, great. You can tell him he can't use the commercial.
Oh, no, Sister Bertrille, that is his business.
I cannot tell him that any more than he could tell me:
"Carlos, stop gambling.
Just serve dinners and soft drinks, and go broke."
I'm not a syndicate.
But it's partly your responsibility.
I mean, you're the one that led me
to that-- That den of soap bubbles.
I didn't tell you to get into a commercial.
Those are the chances you take
when you go into a strange laundry.
You might win a washing machine.
Heh-heh-heh... What am I laughing at?
I might get kicked out of the convent for this.
For being in a commercial?
Well, if I were some kind of a kooky character like--
Like in a go-go dance or something,
then no one would mind. But I'm a nun.
You're also a little kooky.
Well, what can I do?
Oh, Carlos, please, say you'll do something about it.
Sister Bertrille, I-- But Carlos,
Say it even though you don't mean it.
Even though you're not really gonna do anything.
You're my only ray of hope.
I try.
Oh, Carlos, thank you. You're a real pal.
I'm also a sucker.
Carlos, even if you're not gonna do anything about it,
would you kinda hurry it up?
[SIGHS]
[♪♪♪]
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Harry?
This is Carlos Ramirez.
You are leaving us tonight, huh? Yeah, right, I am.
Well, before you go, I--
Let me start that another way.
Uh, I've always been a great fan of yours.
You know, you do some of the most interesting commercials
on the air. That's very flattering, Carlos.
And I have an idea in mind
that I think might be very interesting to you.
Well, I'd like to, uh, like to hear that.
Do you think you can come over around, uh,
We have a couple drinks, and I tell you what's on my mind.
Sure. Fine. I'd love to.
Okay. Bye-bye.
[♪♪♪]
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Oh, Reverend Mother,
this is Carlos Ramirez.
Uh, I have some clothes I collected for the convent.
Would you ask Sister Bertrille to come by and pick them up
a little after ?
Thank you, SeñorRamirez.
That's very nice of you.
Uh, she will be there at :, hm?
No, no, no. A little after .
Oh, very well. A little after .
Thank you again, SeñorRamirez.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Now, for instance... [GRUNTS]
...the commercial you did for peanut butter, remember?
When the boy get stuck in the roof of his mouth,
and he cannot talk?
I thought it was so funny.
Every time I think about it, I have to laugh.
[CHUCKLES] Well, you know, you--
You've got appeal for those things, Carlos.
And then that one when the-- The man can't stop coughing,
and he coughs and coughs and coughs,
until somebody comes and gives him some cough syrup.
I thought it was brilliant. HARRY: Was that the--
Was that the politician making the speech
or the, uh, the-- The quarterback in the huddle?
Or the minister christening the-- The baby?
CARLOS: That was the one. Harry, I don't know
if you realize that those are works of genius.
You know, you should be doing better things,
where you can really be appreciated.
Well, it has crossed my mind, Carlos.
Comedy specials, features,
directing for the theater, foreign films.
What the world needs now...
[KNOCKS ON DOOR] Yes?
It's Sister Bertrille. The door's locked.
Yes, I know. Just a moment.
Excuse me for a moment.
That's Sister Bertrille, the nun?
Well...
you might say that.
[♪♪♪]
Here. Thank you.
Carlos, have you done anything about-- Shh, shh!
I'm working on it. Let's not talk about it now.
How are things at the convent?
Well, fine, except for the jam that I'm in.
Yeah, I imagine, you must be on the spot.
BERTRILLE: Yes, I-- I thank you for the clothes.
I have-- CARLOS: Oh, Sister Bertrille,
uh, ahem, you know, you amaze me.
Why do you say that?
Well, the life you used to lead
with the old g*ng,
and now a nun.
BERTRILLE: I don't regret it. CARLOS: I hope not.
No. Now, do your old friends
still look for you?
BERTRILLE: I don't think so.
I-I've pretty well dropped out of sight by now.
Well, we appreciate-- Uh, Sister Bertrille,
don't you miss the other life, when it was go-go all the time?
BERTRILLE: What's all this talk about my past?
You're right. I shouldn't even mention it.
Have you done any flying lately?
Well, I did do a little bit around noon.
There was this unpredictable wind,
I tore my sleeve on this weather vane.
I had-- CARLOS: I imagine it might be
very, very bad for you, flying up there all by yourself.
Well, you know, actually, it's funny,
but I get much more nervous in an airplane.
CARLOS: Ooh! BERTRILLE: I have to be going.
The bishop is coming to dinner, and I don't want to be late.
Do you think the Reverend Mother would tell him about you?
Well, no, she's no squealer.
CARLOS: Good.
See you later. Bye.
Oh, sorry for the interruption.
You know, I think you should really work for the theater.
I appreciate it very much, Carlos,
and I'll give it my serious consideration.
Did you say that was Sister Bertrille? Oh, yes.
A man with your talent can do a lot of thi-- Tell me, uh,
tell me just a little bit about her, would you?
Well, the less I say, the better.
Uh, Carlos, I did a candid commercial with her.
She-- She is a nun, isn't she?
Well...
What do you men "well"?
Nothing. Just...
Well.
Carlos...
we can't afford to have any, uh,
any fakes in our commercials.
So just go ahead and tell me,
what was all that talk about flying?
Now, going back to what I was saying--
Let's not go back.
Just tell me. She really believes she can fly, right?
She does, right? She does.
She does.
She doesn't. She doesn't.
She's a little kooky.
But it's harmless.
Harmless?
For her being a nun...
I don't think I should tell you this.
Carlos, I've gotta know.
Quite confidentially.
Now, if you say this to anyone, can be very dangerous.
She is a go-go dancer.
That sweet kid is a go-go-- No, no.
A wholesome go-go dancer.
Wait. There was something in the papers the other day
about a go-go dancer.
No, she's the girlfriend of-- Of the underworld character
from New Orleans, the one who disappeared?
Well, I-I didn't say it. You did.
She's a missing witness in a racketeering case.
The authorities want her to testify,
and a syndicate wants her rubbed out.
Harry, Harry, she's gone straight.
All my-- My beautiful film.
The nuns took her in
because they think she's essentially a good girl.
That's the contract. Yeah.
You can imagine what can happen to her
if you mention this to anyone.
Yeah.
You have anything stronger than this?
Yeah.
I'll keep it.
[WHINES]
Well, thanks a lot, but I've already had my dinner.
[DOG WHINES] Oh, okay.
I'll have it for a midnight snack.
Ugh. Thanks a lot.
[WHINES] No, I-- I don't wanna do any tricks.
Besides, you never get 'em right.
[BARKS]
Okay. Just one, and then that's it.
Okay.
Gimme your paw. Gimme your paw.
You actually did it. I don't believe it.
You did it!
Ugh! Paint.
That's a very stupid practical joke, Horatio.
[PHONE RINGS] Uh... Uh...
Hello? Convent San Tanco?
I just poured Harry Madison into bed,
and you can stop worrying.
He's not going to use your commercial.
Oh, thank heavens.
Don't think heavens, thank me.
Oh, thank you, Carlos.
Thank you so much. How did you do it?
Well, it's better if you don't know.
He has to sh**t again at the laundry day after tomorrow.
And would you please stop bothering me?
Oh, Carlos, you're an absolute doll.
Goodbye.
Yes, I am.
REVEREND MOTHER: Come in.
Oh. Uh...
Your Excellency, I would like you
to meet Sister Bertrille.
Good evening, Sister.
Good evening, Your Excellency.
Oh, we were discussing the situation
with this TV commercial.
That's exactly what I've--
And I see nothing so very wrong about it.
You don't?
You mean you do, don't you? BISHOP: No.
The church is cognizant of the times.
I believe, uh, the Most Reverend Fulton Sheen had a sponsor.
You did it in good faith. You do use the product.
And besides, it is for the benefit of the convent.
Joy.
I am afraid in my desire to do the right thing,
I have been overly cautious.
Oh, no, Reverend Mother. You were right.
Well, Sister Bertrille, this must make you very happy.
When will the machine be arriving?
Who knows?
Maybe never.
Really, it's-- It's okay if you use the commercial.
Believe me, I wouldn't think of it.
But why? Well, I-- I just don't wanna
get you in trouble. But it's okay.
The bishop even said so. What does he know about it?
Everything. In this diocese, he's the big wheel.
Yeah, well, uh, still, I-- I couldn't do it, Sister.
Well, you've got to. You made me stick to the deal,
so I'm gonna make you stick to it.
Sister, I checked with my superiors in New York,
and they told me that if we use a nun,
we'll get requests from Protestants for equal time,
then we'll get the same request
from Jews, Buddhists, and Muslims.
Maybe even, who knows, the Zoroastrians.
Well, fine. Give them a new washing machine too.
No. You see, our-- Our position is that Delight is, um,
is a non-sectarian product,
and, uh, and, therefore, I can't-- I can't do it.
Come on. Tell me what Carlos said to you.
I-- I'll be frank. I asked him to talk to you.
Well, he, uh, you know, um, he maybe--
He mentioned you flying.
Oh, boy. He shouldn't have. That's a secret.
Oh, well, believe me, it'll remain secret.
Well, yes, but-- I mean, Sister,
do you realize
this commercial's gonna be seen by millions of people,
and, uh, people who know you will, heh, know where you are.
Yes, and maybe some of them might try to come and see me.
But I don't care,
because the convent needs a washing machine.
And you'd sacrifice yourself?
Well, when you join a convent,
sacrifice is the name of the game.
Yeah, well, under the circumstances, um...
Uh, we won't use the film, okay?
But, uh, since you feel that way about the convent,
well, I, uh... I'll see that you get the washing machine
and the year's supply of Delight anyway.
Oh, Mr. Madison, thank you so much.
You've saved my life.
Yeah, well, that was, uh...
The way things were looking,
I thought I was gonna get completely rubbed out.
Thank you again so much.
[♪♪♪]
Now, all you have to do is go in there
and tell them how good you think Delight is,
and then maybe they'll give us a dryer
to go along with our washing machine.
Besides, I always wanted to be on television.
And not only that, we wash the walls with it
and the floors and the dishes.
The kids blow bubbles with it.
That's great-- And-- I'm not finished yet.
And it's a great shampoo.
We tried it on the dog first,
and now he smells like a bundle of fresh laundry--
Thank you, but-- Eddie, press--
He's a very small dog. [WHISTLES] Cut, Eddie.
What are you doing here?
Well, you see, we like the new washing machine so much,
I thought we'd try for a new dryer, heh.
Then I wouldn't have to fly up to the steeple
and hang the wet sheets up there.
Yes.
Sister, how am I gonna get my commercials done
if you and the Sisters keep interrupting me?
Well, maybe Sister Sixto isn't right.
I said a lot of good things.
Sister Jacqueline will be coming along in a minute
with a big bag of laundry.
And she is fantastic.
If you don't like her, there's-- HARRY: Stop.
Stop. Boy, they--
They really taught you how to organize, didn't they?
All right. I get the message.
You get the dryer. Now would you please--
Would you please just get out of here
and let me get my work done, please?
Oh, Mr. Madison.
Thank you so much. And listen,
if you're ever doing a commercial for cars,
we can always use a new station wagon.
Thank you very much. We're fond... Thank you.
Okay.
[♪♪♪]