05x20 - The Counterfeit Countess

[bunniefuu]

'Well, there's no need to push.'

'Just take your time,
my fleecy friends.'

'Or stop and have a chat.'

'Enjoy the welfare state
while you may...

because one of these days
you are going to be mutton.'

What went wrong?!

Engine conked out.
I couldn't make the field.

Am I wrong or did I hear sh*ts?

Some Good Samaritan tried to help.
What?!

You've placed the entire
organisation in danger.

I must report to Paris.
What are you talking about?

Your Good Samaritan,
as you so ineptly referred to him,

is none other than the famous
Simon Templar!

# EDWIN ASTLEY:
The Saint

This is car -.

WOMAN:'-?'
Correct.

Will you get me please, in Paris,
.

Hello.

Yeah.

Just the ending, Warburg!

The Saint?
That could be disastrous.

Do nothing till I tell you.

Operator, Chamonix, .

WOMAN: Hello?

Yes.

I shall have to reflect
on the situation.

You are quite certain
you have given me all the facts?

Uh-huh.

Take me over the key points
once more, Alzon.

Yes. All right, Alzon.

I've made up my mind.

This is the action we will take
with the Saint...

Ah, the revered defender of the free.
Inspector Teal of Scotland Yard.

Do come in, Claud

There's one thing
I don't understand.

Only one? Don't be fresh.
I'm doing you a favour.

Which I shall always remember.

What I don't understand is why.

For a bribe maybe?

For instance?
A couple of bottles of cognac.

Three star?
Four star for you, Claud.

And I won't deliver it to the Yard.

Straight to your home.

The plane was registered by a firm
called Airmobiles Limited,

operating out of Blackbushe Airport.

At the time of the crash
it was on charter to one...

Four star?
I said so, Claud.

..to one, Miles Chapman,
Embassy Court, Chelsea.

Well, thank you. I shall be indebted
to you for the rest of my life.

It's about time!
There's no cause for alarm.

You can talk! I'm the one who
crashed, remember?

There'll be an official enquiry.
They'll have experts at that wreck

and they're they're bound
to find things.

They'll be asking questions. You'd
better think up the answers!

Everything's under control.
Templar saw me. They'll get to him.

The deal's gonna blow up. We'll get
years each after this.

Miles, you're emotional.
The word is yellow.Shut up!

What have you done that's so
brilliant, muscle-bound twit!

For two pins, I'd -
Come on, Miles.

Now, please. Come and sit down.

And relax.

Everything's under control.

Just relax, and listen.

I was right.
Templar did find something.

Wait.

Three minutes.

He'll be easier to deal with
when he's absorbed.

Inspector Teal please.
Simon Templar.

Claud, I've got good news for you.
It's bingo night at Embassy Court.

First prize a dead pilot.

Ready?
All set.

OK. Come on.

Mireille.

Come out please, Mr Templar.

Wait! I'll check outside.

He must have gone down the stairs
while we were coming up in the lift.

His car's still down there.

On the ledge outside the window?
Not for long.

Shh.

When I open the door, get him.

He's still out there.

Poor old, Claud.

Un moment.

Well, the moment
was worth waiting for.

You are either English or American.

English and I am pressing that we
join the Common Market immediately.

You are very gallant, monsieur.

What is it that you want?

Oh...your name is Mireille?

No, Yvette Poulin.

Oh dear.
That sort of complicates things.

Well, why don't you come in

and maybe we can uncomplicate them?

Thank you.

Oh, you will excuse my appearance.

Oh, the bed. I did not get to sleep
until the early hours.

You will have some coffee?
Thankyou.

Please.

I take it you know Mireille.

Yes, she shared this apartment
with me until a week ago.

Then she found a place of her own.

You are a friend of hers?

No. As a matter of fact,
I've never met her.

But a friend of mine in London
asked me to look her up

the next time I was in Paris.

You are...alone?

Yes. Thank you.

Aw, one should not be
in this condition.

It would give me great pleasure

to show you...Paris.

Thank you.
There's nothing I'd enjoy more,

but I have an urgent message
for Mireille.

Where did you get these?

At La Chatte Enragee.

It is a chic boite
in the Rue Pigalle.

If you go there tonight
you will find Mireille.

Mr Templar is obviously going
to make a nuisance of himself.

'What else did he say?'

He will come to the club tonight
looking for Mireille.

Then I must make sure
that he finds her.

Chamonix, --.

Countess Debussey.

The delivery will take place
as planned, Alzon.

But make sure you keep the Saint
at the club until Carl arrives.

That is all.

Carl, you have not finished.
No,Countess.

Then why do you stop?

I'm sorry.

Carl. Yes, Countess?

You will fly to Paris at once.Yes.

You will make the delivery
to Alzon...

..and you will also do
something else.

Yes, Countess.

You will k*ll a man
named Simon Templar.

Monsieur?
Scotch with Perrier, please.

Right away, monsieur.

Monsieur. Thank you. Tell me,
what happens if you don't like cats?

Oh, monsieur.

A philosopher?
When one has no money, monsieur,

one has to be.

I was hoping to meet a friend here
tonight.

Chapman. Miles Chapman.

Names, monsieur,
I do not always remember.

Faces, yes.

This Mr Chapman...
How does he appear?

This Mr Chapman was in
a few evenings ago.

But you will not see him tonight.
Oh, why not?

He only comes in once a month -

not more often than that.

But over there is someone who may
be able to tell you where he is.

She's a hostess here.
Her name's Mireille.

The name's familiar.
I think I'll try the person.

Rene...

the man you were talking to -
what did he want?

He was looking for a friend.

A man called Chapman.

Anything wrong, patron?

It would have been better
if you'd said nothing.

Tell Mireille to come to my office.
Certainly, patron.

The man at the bar - the owner?

How do you tell this?

They all have the same look.

Like all men.
Like Miles Chapman.

I see the name's familiar.

Yes.

Well, he told me about you.
That's why I'm here.

That's strange. You see,
we quarrelled. I slapped his face.

Exactly.
He always has easy conquests.

I wanted to see one who got away.

Excuse me a moment.

Of course.

Come in.

Ah, Mireille.

I have a little favour
to ask of you.

That man you were with -
Simon Templar.

Keep him with you until we close.

Why?

Because I ask it.

Tonight I am tired.

francs.

Must be important.
It is. Very.

So do it. Go now.

I meet hundreds, hundreds of men.

I tell you I do not like them much.

But you are different.

I don't think so.
Yes, you are. Exceptional.

I could dance with you all night.

And so you shall.

But not here please.
Oh, where?

Some place quiet.
This is too noisy, depressing.

Well, I rather like it here.

There is a little bistro not far,

where we could talk
and get to know each other.

Tell me, why are you so anxious
to get me out of here.

Because something
is going to happen.

I like things to happen.

This is bad. Dangerous.

Alzon has asked me to keep you here.
Simon, please. I'm afraid -

Ah, I see you did find Mireille.
Yes, and quite a discovery.

This is Carl.
I am showing him Paris.

It is very agreeable.

Perhaps we could join you.

What a marvellous idea.
I am full of them.

You shall be my guests, all of you.

Waiter, more champagne.

That's very generous of you.

I've just concluded
a most important business deal.

There's nothing like making money,
is there?

Well, I mean in these days
of high taxes

you either have to be a genius
or a crook.

Another one dead.
And he d*ed splendidly.

I hope we all do as well.

I'll order some more.
Oh, no. Please.

I float so high
I shall never come down again.

Let us go back to my place
for breakfast.

Excellent.
What a marvellous idea. I'm starved.

Simon, please. I'm so tired.
Take me home.

Aw, don't spoil the party.

Come on, Mireille.
A little food will do you good.

While you get your wraps,
Simon and I will find a taxi.

Your cheque, gentlemen.

No, no. You are my guest.

I insist.
Your contribution can be the taxi.

On my account, Alzon.

Here we are. Go on in.

I have some champagne in the fridge.
Then get it, cherie.

Aw, not too much light, Mireille.
We need the atmosphere.

And put on some music.

Something sentimental.

Are you feeling nostalgic, Carl?

Always after champagne.

Also after Wagner.

I feel sorry for the millions of people
who never have a chance to enjoy living.

I see you know where things are.

Yvette and I are old friends.

The best kind.
Yes,that is true.

Like Miles Chapman.

Who?
Miles Chapman. Don't you know him?

I'm sorry. The name is not familiar.

Voila! Champagne!

Ah!

Ooh!

I have great fear
of how I will feel tomorrow.

You will feel terrible.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

It's my turn to dance with Simon.

One more and then breakfast.

One more, I hope I can still cook -
even eggs.

One more, I hope I can still eat -
even eggs!

I thought you were a man
with a strong head.

Oh, no. It's my stomach that's weak.

A lot of things make me sick.

Your good health.
And yours.

Ooh, I must have a cigarette.

Allow me.
Oh, thank you.

Now what about this food?
Oh, yes. Come and help me, Mireille.

Yes, yes. Of course.

Now sit down, Simon.

Let us talk.

I'd like that.
What shall we talk about?

Forged five pound notes?
Of course.

What else?

They're very good.
We think so.

Who's' we?'
My colleagues and I.

Are there many of you?
No.

Just a small group.

Exclusive, eh?
Yes.

We resent outsiders.

Where do you make them?
Switzerland.

Oh. Where in Switzerland?

In a cellar.

I love cellars.

You won't see this one.

You're over-confident.
Very seldom.

And unpleasant.

Then why don't you do something
about it?

Stand up. Hit me perhaps.

What's the matter?
Too much champagne?

You've made a great mistake
trying to interfere.

Hey! What is it?
Simon.

A little over-confident
about his capacity.

I'll take him back to his hotel.
I'll come with you. No!

You stay here.

Yvette has the right idea.
You stay here.

What is going on?
What is Carl doing?

Don't ask any questions.

Mireille!

Now, what were you saying
about over-confidence?

You asked me to hit you, Carl.
You want some more?

Where in Switzerland?
Achateau.

Where?
It's not really Switzerland.

It's Germany.
Let him go.

Now you finish it off.

After he annoyed me,

I'm going to enjoy this.

Get her!

Police.

Are you all right, monsieur?
Fine. Get after them. They're armed.

Simon.Thanks.
I thought you were in on the act too.

How could I be?

Come on. Let's get out of here.
But the policeman said to wait.

Will she be all right?

As soon as she sleeps it off.
She drank my doped champagne.

Mireille, do you think
you can tell me anything else? No.

Only that when Carl and Miles
Chapman come to La Chatte Enragee

they come always on the same night.

Always on the tenth of the month.

Also Carl is pulling a suitcase.

Which Chapman took away.
Yes.

Do you know anything about
the chateau they operate from? No.

Can I find the phone number
or the address at the club?

It is possible.

I know only that when Carl comes
here he flies always from Geneva.

Unfortunately that's not much help.

I'm sorry. I try my best.

I didn't mean it that way.
You've been marvellous.

And you exceptional.

Mireille, I want you to have this.

Oh, please. Don't spoil it! Come on.
You can't go back to the club.

It'll help you get a fresh start
somewhere safe.

In that case, thank you.

Would you do one other thing?

Of course. Would you sometimes
remember Mireille?

The windows will be done tomorrow.

It's over three weeks now.

The Countess
will not be very pleased.

The whole business makes me
very uneasy.

You have discovered his hotel?
Naturally. He told me last night.

And?
He checked out.

So he could be anywhere in Paris?!
Yes.

I'd give my right arm to know
where he is at this exact moment.

But I suppose I'd better get it
over with.

You know, it's very odd.
What?

I could break the Countess'
beautiful neck with a twist of hands

and yet...
You're afraid of her.

Shoo-Shoo. He comes in through the
fan light after his amorous adventures.

When are you going to leave
the ladies alone, huh?!

You naughty boy!

I wish he could deal
with the Countess.

She will be livid.

Operator, Chamonix, --.

Yes, a personal call
to the Countess Debussey.

Thank you, operator.
Thank you very much.

What is it? Calls to Chamonix -
there's a one hour delay.

At least it means
I can enjoy my breakfast.

Come.

Oh, don't look so superior,
Shoo-Shoo.

I had a good time last night too

and tonight's going to be
even better

when I get my claws
into the Countess Debussey.

Alzon, your excuses are stupid.

The money is missing
and Templar has it.

There is nothing more to say.

And what have you to say, Carl?

Templar will not chase us here,
Countess.

All of you have underestimated him.

I shall not.

Well, well.

What a pity.
I thought the gendarmes had got you.

I tri -

Yvette.

How did you get here? Spaceship?

I am not Yvette.

OK. You're not Yvette.

And I'm not Simon Templar.
We're both dead and this is heaven.

Funny...I always thought
it'd be like this.

May I?
Oh, certainement.

Yvette is my twin.

We both started out
on the streets of Paris.

Yvette never thought of the future.

I thought of nothing else.

So I married a count.

And what's your name?
Nadine.

Well, Nadine,
I have played my last card

and you have trumped it.
The game is yours.

Do you mind if I get my circulation
going and move around a little?

You may do as you wish...within
reason.

I am aware of my limitations.

You have quite a nice place here.

I like it.

Tell me, Countess. How does a woman
of your elevated stature

come to be head
of a counterfeiting g*ng?

I need the money.

My husband d*ed and left me nothing.

Oh, I am sorry to hear that.

Except the chateau,
but it is enormously expensive.

SoI...
So you took to a life of crime.

I found a Swiss artist. Superb.

Your engraver?

Yes.

Unfortunately, he is deceased.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that too.

It's not your year, is it?

I shall miss him.

I shall also miss you, Mr Templar.

But you see I have no alternative

but to let Carl and Maurice
k*ll you.

Well, I really am sorry
to hear that.

Carl, fetch Maurice.
Countess.

There he goes.

You understand why we could not
k*ll him here?

Far too dangerous.
Itworkedperfectly,Countess.

Things usually do
which I plan personally.

You did er...'service' the car?

He won't reach the village alive.

Go and make quite, quite sure.

Crushed into a shoebox.

Good. For once you have
done something well.

Thank you, countess.

Now, create the plates
and the printing press tonight.

In the morning we move to Cannes

as a precaution in case the police
start asking questions.

Yes, Countess.

Get the crate.

Maurice?!

He had a little too much wine.

Argh!

Well, I suppose that's what they mean
by chateau bottled!

Argh! Uh!

Don't drink too much of that stuff
if you're driving!

Come.

What's the matter, Countess?

Aren't you glad to see me?

You know something?
I admire you very much.

It's really quite tragic
that I shall have to...

k*ll me?
Oh, darling. Never.

Then what?
Surely it's obvious.

The police.

That's right. In London.

London? Hm-mmm. Glad to see
you did your packing.

We're going to see an old friend of
mine - Inspector Teal, Scotland Yard.

Come on, cheer up.
It won't be that bad.

I shall come and visit you.

Let's face it,
it'll be free board and lodgings.

Well, you'll have no more expenses.

And no more reason in the world
to make money.