05x23 - The Gadget Lovers

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Diese, bitte.

Vielen Dank.

Kittens should really be
very flattered.

These clubs have boosted their image
enormously.

They provide a home away from home,
where young men can...

study form.

And where older men can respectably
let down what is left of their hair.

Even starchy old fire-eaters like
William Fenton,

of British Intelligence.

Barman.

Same again, please.
Jawohl, mein Herr.

Would you like a table?
Nein, danke.

Thank you.
Thank you, sir.

Comfortable?

Well, well.

Of all people to be rescued by.

Simon Templar.

Bring him in the office. Ja.

Contact Herr Graz of your Special
Branch

and tell him that William Fenton of British
Intelligence wants him here right away.

Now, then...

I'm not playing around. Who's doing
this and why?

I'll use this on that shoulder! I'm
not in the least squeamish.

Please.

A man offers a job...I take it.

What man?

A man in a bar.

Your lot have k*lled Russian
Intelligence agents in the last four months.

You're trained assassins, not casual
labour.

Would you mind, please, Simon?

Russian standard equipment.

Where did you get it?

The man.

He says when I've finished the job,
I-I report to him.

Well, then report. Tell him I'm
dead.

Go on!

Q...

Q to Zero.

Come in, please.

Q to Zero, come in, please.

Throw it away, quick!

Just my luck.

To say nothing of his.

Oh, well, at least I've actually
seen it happen.

No, we're all right. Shut the door.

Now, this is part of a death campaign. The
organised assassination of Intelligence.

By radio?

By expl*sive-filled gadgets in
general, all Russian make.

Yes, but you said Russian agents
had d*ed.

Are they knocking off their own men?

That thing didn't explode by itself.
It had to be triggered.

An impulse - beamed from outside.

How far outside?

Well, I'd say about , yards.

Well, I'd say a lot closer, by somebody
who knew that buddy boy was in our hands

The bartender.

The barman. Where is he?

He left just a moment ago.
What's his name?

Klaus... Hans Klaus.

Put out a call for him, all
stations. He has to be found.

And when Herr Graz arrives, tell him we're at
Professor Muller's laboratory. Come, Simon.

So, you actually saw it explode?

Well, well, our theories are
becoming facts.

But we too have not been idle.

We have managed to reconstruct some of
the devices used in the other killings.

Show us.

A little miracle.

It will light cigarettes...

..it will take pictures.

Ten of them.

But on the tenth picture...boom.

And the man using it is blown to
bits.

Very neat.

A micro-expl*sive. Very small, very
powerful.

You have seen one of these, Mr
Templar?

Yes, and I'd rather not handle it.

Very sensible.

Wearing this ring, I may handle it
quite freely.

It neutralises the proximity fuse in
the lock.

Without the ring,

the heat of my hand activates the
fuse and it explodes.

Yes, but...old hat, surely?

But our assassins have introduced a
modification.

I will demonstrate.

Gerda.

If you please.

Now, ordinarily, the proximity of
the ring to the fuse neutralises it.

But...with a small transmitter...

somewhere close, a street or two
away...

...they can direct an impulse that will
neutralise the neutralising effect of the ring.

Now let's get this straight.

Russian secret agents are being
k*lled by their own gadgets.

Right, but they're claiming we're
responsible.

Are you sure we aren't?

My dear fellow, we k*ll
their agents, they k*ll ours.

Never happens.

Herr Fenton, the miniaturisation is
actually too fine to be Russian.

Then who's making the gadgets?

We aren't sure.
We'd better find out.

Moscow's planning a revenge
campaign.

The head of their Secret Police is
travelling south now.

Not the mysterious Colonel Smolenko?

He's arriving in West Berlin tonight
and catching the midnight train to Paris.

Bitte?

Yeah.

Herr Graz.
Oh, thank you.

Fenton.

I see.

All right, well, keep at it. He has
to be found.

Right.

They traced Klaus, our barman friend, as far
as the railway station and then lost him.

Station? Smolenko?

And Klaus is a professional k*ller.

Get onto the police, tell them to
warn Smolenko.

Nobody's ever seen him. He's never
left Russia and he'll be using another name.

Makes life difficult.

And you're the only one of us who's
seen Klaus.

Simon...you've got ten minutes to
catch the Berlin-Paris Express.

Excuse me.

Reserved.
You cannot read?

Cannot read what?

Well, I'm sorry, gentlemen,

but Section , Paragraph of The
Railways Regulations

stipulates that a reserved
compartment must have a label.

No label, no reservation.

BOTH: Urrgh!

It does not matter. You may stay.

Our orders were to...

He may stay.

You heard what the lady said.

If you'd wanted a cigarette, why
didn't you ask?

Will you?

Do you mind if I do?

Order some tea.

Make it four.

I'll pay for my own.

What is that?

What?

Chai.
Wait!

You must give a tip, I think.

Yes, um...

The official recommendation...one
mark.

Search him! Quick, search him!
For why?

All right, where's the rest of it?

Where's the rest of it?

All right, who are you working for?

I said, who are you working for?

Like the boys to work you over?

Aagh, no! Man in Paris.

What man?

I don't know, never saw him. He gave
me his order by telephone.

What were the orders?

To catch this train, and k*ll the
occupants in this compartment.

Why do you have to be so
trigger-happy?

He could have led us to the
ringleaders of the whole plot.

What plot?

Those agents of yours that have been
k*lled.

Colonel Smolenko, every moment you are
in Paris, your life will be in grave dang

Smolenko - how you know this? You too
are a spy?

Get the ape off, or I'll break his
back.

Enough, Igor.

All right.

Start at the beginning...

Mr Templar.

Oh.

So you recognised me?

The moment you entered this
compartment.

I've a photographic memory.

And in the Kremlin there are many
files.

Well, it's nice to be known and loved
the world over.

Known, perhaps.

Now, explain to me, please.

So, you see, these people somehow or
other...

have managed to gain control of the
production of your miniaturised equipment.

Where do you get it, by the way?

It is purchased in Western Europe by our Paris
organisation, which is absolutely trustworthy.

You are lying.

I'm trying to think why.

Just trying to help.

Oh, if you want to get yourself blown
into pretty little pieces...

..don't blame me.

IGOR: We will blame you.

No-one in Paris knows Colonel
Smolenko.

Not even what she looks like.
Or even that she is a woman.

So you say Colonel Smolenko will be
k*lled?

I do indeed.

Well, we shall see.

In the morning when we reach
Paris...

Yes?

..we trade places.

I will become your secretary.

And you...

You will become Colonel Smolenko.

If you please, Colonel.

Take your time, boys.

From now on, practically anything you
touch goes off bang.

Your first time in Paris?
Yes.

So, you'll be wanting to buy some
clothes.

Why?

Well, every woman who comes to
Paris...

Clothes I regard as a necessary
covering to maintain body temperature.

Which is about all one can say for
the coat you have on.

Chert!

Not a nature lover?

He is trained to mistrust all
manifestations of bourgeois sentimentality.

And sentiment has no place in your
life?

It clouds the judgment.

Khorosho, Igor?

All clear, Colonel.
Good.

- Ah, the champagne.

Champagne?

I ordered it on the way up.

Please.

Voila, monsieur.

Just a moment.

Open it.
Open it.

You taste it.

Me, monsieur?
You, monsieur.

All of it.

You may go.
Yes, monsieur.

This is er...

..very generous of you.

Oh, not at all.

I'm not paying for it.
Then who will?

The Kremlin, of course.

We are on an expense account.

Your file was right.

You're nothing but an adventurer.

While you're worrying about a few
roubles,

some very nasty wheels are turning in
this city.

Klaus was hired here, by a man who
knew your train compartment number.

So I suggest you make a list of all
the people who were in the know.

And remember they'll try again.

Only I shall be on the receiving end.

Success and a long life.

Particularly mine.

Na zdorovye.

Another bill for the Kremlin.

Too bad you can't join me.

Yes?

Comrade Blagot.
Send him up.

Send him up.

And who is Comrade Blagot?

Please, stay in your room.

Someone you think you can trust?

I make the decisions, Mr Templar.

Colonel Smolenko to you.

I think you misunderstand your
position.

You misunderstand yours...comrade.

As my secretary, you are supposed to supply
me with facts about people I am to meet.

Now who is Blagot?

Send him back to his room.

You weren't listening when I said Klaus was
hired by somebody who knew your programme.

He's head of our Paris organisation.

Does he know you by sight?
No.

Now you'll let me handle this.

Open the door.

Do as he says.

Colonel Smolenko?

On behalf of us all, greetings,
comrade.

My secretary, Comrade Malakhov. Igor,
Ivan.

The situation grows worse by the
hour.

Another of our men d*ed yesterday in
Liverpool.

Put your briefcase in my bathroom.

In the bathroom?
It is off my bedroom.

Now.

If this is a trick...

If it will relieve you, go sit in
the bathroom with it.

Colonel, I think it would be best...
Silent.

Comrade, tell me.

Who else in our organisation knew the
details of my trip to Paris?

Myself, and, of course, Claude
Molliere.

Ah, yes. I have read his file.

Nobody else?

Why, no. Your orders were top
security.

Good. Well, now I will need some
communications equipment.

I will arrange it.
I will pick it up.

Just tell me the name of the
supplier.

But you say you are familiar with
his file.

I read many files.

But Claude Molliere is Assistant
Controller of the whole Southwest region.

The Southwest region, comrade, is
just a pimple on the map.

My department covers a million square
miles.

I am sorry, Colonel.

You should be.

So Molliere supplies our equipment
too.

He does.
I will go and see him.

I will give you his address.

No, comrade.

You will take us there. Now.

Get your coats.

You, get your briefcase.

There are some papers you should
see.

No, thank you, comrade.

I would feel safer, a lot safer, if
you were to bring it with you.

Ivan, you wait here.

# Pop music

Colonel Smolenko, what an honour.

Please excuse the mess...
My secretary, Comrade Malakhov.

Igor.
Comrade.

I'm afraid there is not room for us
all to sit.

Comrade Blagot is leaving.
But...

Goodbye, comrade. I will see you
tomorrow.

Perhaps you will accept some
refreshment.

A distinguished liqueur which may be
new to you.

No, thank you, comrade.

We have business to discuss.

Of course.

In Moskva we were most struck...

one might almost say shattered by the
excellence of your miniaturised equipment.

You make it yourself?
No.

Who does?

Grossmeyer, Cardin et Fils of
Geneva.

Grossmeyer, Cardin et Fils, Geneva.
Hm.

Tanya...

what was that little thing we liked
so much?

The cigarette lighter that takes
pictures.

Yes, of course. A most charming toy.

Here.

Please accept one as a souvenir.

Thank you, comrade. Most kind.

There is film in it?

Yes, ten exposures.

Yes. May I?

Please.

Smile, comrade.

Tanya.

I will now collect some
anti-capitalist propaganda.

Igor.

Get round the back. Don't let
Molliere get away.

I've some other equipment I'd like
you to see.

Ah, ja, comrade, when I have finished
this roll.

- Four.

- Five.

Six.

- Seven.

Eight.

I wish to see the quality of the
enlargements.

Nine.

What is happening?

Don't worry, he won't get away.

Igor is covering the back entrance.

Igor?
Igor.

Igor is covering you, comrade. He
was not born yesterday.

You oaf!

Get Ivan, and I don't care if it takes
the rest of your life, you find Molliere.

Will you please tell me what is
going on?

I took nine pictures in there.

This would have been the tenth.

Do what he says. Find Molliere.

Just as I thought.

There is no such company as Grossmeyer,
Cardin et Fils in Geneva or anywhere else.

It seems you are right, Mr Templar.

Reactionary forces have penetrated
our organisation.

Brilliant, brilliant.

They still may be in the pay of the
British or the Americans.

That is the sum total of your
thinking?

You know, these people are far too
smart for you.

They're using tomorrow's methods and you're
still thinking of yesterday's cold potatoes.

And now they know we are on to them.

What do you think they will do?

I know what I'd do.

Have us k*lled before we can pass on
what we know.

Exactly.

You have a suggestion?

Yes, but why should I? You'd only
waste it.

I'm sorry.

No, I deserved it.

I trust you.

Who is it?
A parcel for you, monsieur.

Come in.

I er...did some shopping.

You are most free with my expense
account.

Oh, I paid for this personally.

It's for you.

For me?

There we are.

For what is this?

Well, you put them on your feet.

You make fun of me.

Not at all.

We're taking the night off.

I'm going to show you Paris.

Well...

Is it er...all right?

Miss Comrade...

you are gorgeous.

What did you do to your hair?

I washed it.

But you do have nightclubs in Moscow.

Yes, of course, but I do not attend.

I do not approve of frivolous social
activity with no constructive aim in view.

All right, then.

What do you do for fun? At night, I
mean.

I improve my mind.

I study, lectures, music.

And I improve my body by exercise.

Hm. What's the address of your
gymnasium?

It's for women only.

Even better.

Come on, Tanya, tell me truthfully.

Doesn't all this make your heart b*at
just a little bit faster?

Of course not.

Well, you must have a heart...

..somewhere.

Good. Pom-pom-pom-pom-pom.

You're not telling the truth.

My heartbeat is always high.

Paris has nothing to do with it.

It is my basic metabolism.

Well, you have the most beautiful
metabolism in the world.

TANYA: I had the...most beautiful
evening.

So did I.

Oh, it's for you.

I'll order some champagne.

Room service, please.

Simon!

Airtight and lightproof.

The paper was a plastic expl*sive sensitised
to go off on exposure to light and air.

Look, the stamp.

Swiss. Postmarked Neuve Montaigne.

Well, you'd better pack your bag.

We go to Switzerland?

Where else?

But you must have an industry of some
sort.

Yes, cheese.

A cheese factory?

No, just the farmers.

We have no factory in Neuve
Montaigne.

I um...have a small radio which
isn't working.

Er...could you get someone to fix
it?

No, I am sorry.

Now I will arrange the lunch.

You've dragged me all the way to
Switzerland on a wild goose hunt.

Chase.

The monastery we passed on the way
in. So?

I am Father Anton.

What can I do for you?

Well, Father, we would like some
information.

Yes?

Is there a factory near here?

A factory?

Or a laboratory.

The only place that I can think of
of that description is here.

As you can hear, the brotherhood are
at their devotions,

so we may not go into the chapel.

But the rest, I'll gladly show you.

This is the original building.

It was built over years ago.

And it is here that the brothers are
allowed for one day each year

to break their vows of perpetual
silence.

Now let me show you our factory.

When I say factory, I am, of course,
joking.

This is where we make and bottle our
famous liqueur,

which is named after our abbot
founder, Abrouillac.

Its recipe is a great secret.

Yes, I er... I tasted it some time
ago.

May I offer you a glass?

Thank you, Father.

It rests gently on the tongue.

Never harsh or bitter.

There's a mere suggestion of ginger.

Don't break the glass.

Your health, Father.
Thank you.

It is good.

Delicious.
Thank you.

May I offer you and...the young lady
a bottle?

Oh, thank you, Father.

But you must allow me to pay for it.

Oh, no.

A small contribution.

Thank you.

You're very generous.

I see you've installed some of the
modern amenities.

Ah, yes.

It's the fumes, you know.

Without it...as in the old days...

you'd become quite drunk whilst you
were working.

Well, let me show you our cells and
the dining hall.

Thank you so much, Father.
You've been most kind.

My pleasure.

Go in peace and God be with you.

Goodbye, Father.

I'm telling you, there has to be a
connection.

Molliere offered us a glass of this
in his shop in Paris.

You think making the liqueur is a
cover?

I'd bet on it.

You may be right.

If they don't make liqueur in that
vault, what do they make?

We go back to the monastery.

I will go.
I will come with you.

There's no point in both of us
getting into trouble.

Let me snoop around on my own.

It's ten now. If I'm not back by midnight,
you turn up with the Swiss police.

Simon?

You take no unnecessary risks.

Don't tell me you really care?

Well, I shall be back soon for more
of the same.

Allo?

One moment.

It's for you, madame.

Smolenko.

Yes?

Where are you?
Not far.

We get the message you leave in the
hotel.

And also one of the cigarette lighters
from Molliere...before we k*ll him.

We take it to the Embassy.

They find it contains a new and powerful
micro-expl*sive, we must have the formula.

Also we learn Templar... he's
working for the British Secret Service.

He also is after this formula.

Hold him until we arrive.

He's at the monastery.
Monastery?

We have instructions to k*ll him.

Do you hear, Smolenko?

So that's why he was so eager to
help.

Don't worry, comrades.

I will find Mr Templar.

Search the building. Turn on the
floodlights!

Here!

Reconnoitre the whole area.

Colonel!

We will deal with him at our
leisure.

Who's in there?

What is happening out there? Report!

A woman out here with shotgun.

Capture her! Bring her in!

Open up.

Open the door.

This is a hair trigger.

If any of your men sh**t...

you die before I do.

Now...take me below.

So...

This is where you conduct your
campaign against us.

Yes or no?

The answer would depend on who you
are.

Colonel Smolenko.

You are to be congratulated,
Colonel,

both for your arrival and survival.

Answer my question!

Colonel, we conduct our campaign
against you from many places.

By setting the West and Russia at
each other's throats?

Let mad dogs destroy each other.

Ultimately, we shall build the
future.

You, Colonel...will build nothing.

You will spend the rest of your life
in prison.

Now, before I force you to destroy
this place,

give me the formula for the
micro-expl*sives.

Only that?

But we have many other ingenious
devices.

Get it! Or I shall k*ll you.

Argh!

You found the way.

You must be Mr Templar.

You find your surroundings
interesting?

Madly.

I will explain what you have
sacrificed your life to find.

The proximity fuses used in the
briefcases are kept in this refrigerator.

Otherwise, the central heating
system might set them off.

The chemical elements of the
micro-expl*sive.

The miniaturisation is done by
highly-skilled technicians.

All kept completely secret from the
village and the outside world.

Take him through.

Colonel, always a pleasure to see
you.

Scream your head off.

Behind the door!

Well, I never thought I'd be glad to
see you two.

Maybe this will make you change your
mind.

Not yet. Go to the vault, get the
formula. Collect the documents and samples.

It can't be done, Tanya.

So you might as well have your apes
get it over with now.

What do you mean?

No electricity.

The moveable walls are jammed solid.

We will repair the cables.
I'm afraid not.

You see, without electricity, the refrigerators
will have stopped. The extractors too.

But not the central heating - they
are wood fired.

You do get the picture?

It'll take us at least a couple of
hours to mend those cables.

The heat will have set off the
proximity fuses

and the rest of the expl*sives down
there.

So unless you want to go up with it,
we'll get out now.

You did it on purpose.

So that we should not get the
formula.

So that nobody would.

You treacherous...reactionary...pig!

Swine!

You lied, you cheated!

I will k*ll him.

We will do it together.
No, he is mine.

Oh, please, don't fight over me.

With my own hands, I will fire the
g*n.

Leave me, both of you.

That is an order! Go, wait for me in
the car.

But, Colonel...
Go!

Turn your face to the wall.

Goodbye, Mr Templar.

You know something, Tanya...

you're a lousy sh*t.

But quite a woman.

I wish I could be.

It is too late now.

Is it?

Goodbye, comrade.