06x17 - The Ex-King of Diamonds

[bunniefuu]

SIMON: The Cote d'Azur.

Golden sunshine, golden money...

Mmm.

..and golden girls.

Good morning, Mr Templar.

She is all ready for you.

Mmm. Very nice lines.

My compliments. She's beautiful.

It was er...not easy to find one.

I'm sure it wasn't.

You know something? They just don't
make 'em like this any more.

Ha! And the price, it is very high.

Worth every centime.

Porter! Put 'em in here.

Well, how would you like to be paid?

By cheque or instant credit card? Comment?

Cash. Oh. Merci.

Every fish has taken the bait, huh?

Somewhere I've seen him
before.

Of course. I remember now.

It is the famous Simon Templar.

Morning, Highness.

The guests for tonight. Uh-huh?

Lord Winterton. Ah.

Lady Boreham-Baker. Oh.

Simon Templar.

And Rod Huston. Ah.

Huston? That is not a person. It is a place.

You are joking, of course, sir.
I never joke about money.

What has he got?

, oil wells in Texas alone.

Rod Huston is reputed to be the
third richest man in the world.

Oh...

His Royal Highness King Boris of
Slavonia...Ex-king Boris.

..requests the pleasure of your
distinguished company at his baccarat table,

where he will personally occupy the
banker's chair throughout the current season.

Who else has he asked? Everybody.

Everybody who is anybody. And who's rich.

That is the name of the game, boy.
This is the big league.

I guess you can afford it.

Afford it? Man, I got so much bread,
I'm drowning in it!

I gotta keep spending it just
to be able to breathe!

Mr Huston, that crate can really travel!

Hang on, boy. Hang on.

Now, you keep driving like that, fella,
you're gonna need that hearse for real!

Well, don't try and keep up the
procession in that, will you, old man?

Oh, yeah.

Like from here to Monte?

SIMON: You'd never make it.
Put the money where your mouth is.

All right. A tenner.

Fifty. A hundred.

A hundred dollars. Pounds.

Pounds. Oh, yeah.

Steps of the Hotel Magnificent!

Yahoo!

Now you saw what happened. No contest.

Oh, you accepted the challenge.

Natural hazards are all in the game.

Wait a minute!

Cops are not natural hazards.

Ah, but you see, on that er...particular stretch
of the road, they're a built-in feature.

You knew that!

You... Why, you low-down,
sidewinding son of a-

Didn't your old pappy ever tell you

that if you cannot afford the stakes,
you should not bet?

Afford it? Listen, boy, I could
buy and sell you six times over,

you wouldn't even make a breeze.

Well, then, let's make it double or nothing.

Oh, you're talking, honey. You're
talking and I'm listening. Here you go.

Now I'll call.

Heads.

HUSTON: Ahem!

Er...ma'am, under your right foot.

Heads. I win.

This guy's golden.

Owe you a hundred pounds.

Two. dollars.

Perhaps you would like to help me
er... celebrate my good fortune?

Excuse me, ma'am.

My name's Rod Huston.

I'd consider it a great pleasure if you'd
allow me to escort you to dinner tonight.

Call.

Tails.

Ah.

Not that it matters, but heads. I win again.

Mister, who the heck are you?The
name's Simon Templar.

I'm Rod Huston from Texas. From Texas?

I would never have guessed.

You gonna give me a chance to win my money back?

Any time.

Casino, o'clock tonight.I'll be there.

Right. Over and out.

What is it? Lafitre.

He has arrived, Colonel.

Good. The final consignment.

Let's go.

So, that is our formula

for determining the total number of
letter permutations in the word "banana".

Any questions?

Professor, could not the same formula be used
for calculating the odds in games of chance?

Correct, Francois. Well done, my boy.

Hello, Papa. Hello, my dear.

I'll give you a demonstration of that.

A gambling problem, someone.

Four aces, Professor.

What would be the chances against
having four in one hand at once?

A hand of how many cards? .

?

So, there it is.

There is a . chance of your
getting a hand with all four aces in it.

But using this method, Professor,
could one actually win at cards?

If you used it correctly, of course.

Providing always, my dear Brigitte,

that you are able to work out such
sums quickly in your head.

But you can, Professor.

That is all for tonight, mes enfants.

Class dismissed.

Bon soir. Oui, oui, oui.

Dormez bien. Bonsoir.

Papa! Papa, look!

I met him this afternoon with Rod
Huston! Down in Monte.

Oh, together, huh? Interesting.

They are here to play in the king's
baccarat game, I suppose.

Of course! I never thought of that.

That should make the ermine fly!

They say this ex-King Boris is good, but
those two, they are the best in the world.

Did you speak to them?
They asked me out to dinner.

Oh, bravo! I hope you accepted.

Oh, darling, how could I?

Have you forgotten what today is?

Oh, Papa, your memory!

The first of the quarter! Exactly.

And, as usual, we are completely broke.

So, as usual, we must go down to the casino
in order to win enough money to pay the bills.

Ssh! Ssh-ssh-ssh!

Good!

Perhaps they will be there.

Then we can watch the game, huh?

No, not good enough. Two more.

Lafitre. Where is it?

Oh, good afternoon, Colonel!

The consignment, man.

Oh, that. It's quite safe, Colonel.

Locked in the storeroom.

The key, please.

Do you have the money? Money?

Tomorrow night. As arranged.

I'm so sorry, Colonel.

Lafitre, what are you playing at?

Up till now, we've checked and
loaded every consignment before payment.

But this one, Colonel...this is the last one.

You must appreciate that we are businessmen.

We er...have a lot to lose.

You have? What do you think we have?

Our lives! The fate of millions
of people hang on this.

The money's here, all of it. In town.

The richest man in the world.

You'll have full payment tomorrow night.

If we do...the key will be yours.

Why, you...!

Please, Colonel.

You are crumpling my suit.

Georges, your deal.

Highness, we must load that
consignment tonight.

But Lafitre is demanding cash on delivery.

Put him off. Think of something.

According to my calculations, you
should have the money in hand by now.

I have certain...out-of-pocket expenses.

Besides, I cannot dictate to the cards.

The matter is urgent.

I strongly suggest that you...You what?

I respectively suggest that you win
the balance we owe them tonight.

Win...a million dollars in six hours
at the tables?

Impossible. It is too much money.

It is only a king's ransom.

We have gone too far to turn back
now, Highness.

It must be done!

CROUPIER: Place your bet, monsieur.

Rien ne va plus. Tens are fine.

Tens are fine.

Seven. Seven.

Papa! Papa, look! Ssh, ssh! No shouting.

Rien ne va plus. rouge.

Papa, you did it!

CROUPIER: S'il vous plait, madame.
Merci, madame.

Champagne.

Oh, wow!

Hi, there.

Er... You two pretty girls like to
join me in some champagne?

Here we go. Um...

Er... Voulez...

Voulez vous um...

join...join...joinier dans une
glasse de champagne?

Qu'est-ce qu'il veut? Tu sais tres
bien qu'est-ce qu'il veut.

Hang on. Hang on a minute.

Er... S'il...s'il vous... You want a drink?

Mon ami me demandait si vous, charmantes
jeunes filles, vouliez quelque chose a boire.

Merci, non, monsieur. Nous attendons
quelqu'un.

Mille pardons.

Texas...

they are waiting for someone.

You're like a bad penny, you know?
Who asked you?

I thought you were having trouble
with the language.

Listen, pal, I speak French
as well as you do.

That is the best opening pitch
I have ever done in my life!

If you speak French that well,
what is French for,

"A great big fellow has come up and
walked off with your girls"?

Ah, well.

A votre sante, monsieur.

Mazel.

You play craps?

Craps?

That's dice, isn't it? Kids' game.

Yeah.

Put on your diapers, honey. Let's
take a walk.

Coming up now, new sh**t. Excuse me.

Thank you very much.

Well, now, what do I do?

You bet. You read 'em, you
roll 'em and you weep.

Er... Two, s'il vous plait.

To win? What else?

I got a hundred that says you lose.

Coming up now. Down there?

Seven. Was that good?

It must have been, he gave me another play.

Now what?

You roll again, boy, and I got
that says you don't make it.

Again?

That's it, Papa.

Ground rent, rear tyres for the
car and a new suit for you.

But what about your new dress?
Oh, I'll save for it.

Oh, but why, when we can so easily...

No, Papa. Remember what we agreed?

Reasonable expenses.

We have all we need, so now we stop.

Oh, very well, but I was just
beginning to enjoy myself.

They will win it straight back the hard way.

What does he mean "hard way"? It was easy.

Hello, you two. How's it going? Great.

Have you changed your mind about
helping me celebrate?

Well, er...no. It was my father.

You see, he wanted to...

# Fanfare

Templar, I'm gonna take you apart
some other time.

Right now, I'm gonna play a real game.

You better stay here with the kids.

Honey, you wanna come and watch?

Later, perhaps.

He's pretty sure of himself, isn't
he?Oh, you might say that.

Excuse me. Excuse me, please. Thank
you very much.

Here you are. Mr Rod Huston, Your
Highness.

Hi y'all, kingy.

Er... Please, no formality. Do sit down.

This must be the place, huh?

Hi, y'all. You all well?

Voila!

For you, my dear. Darling, you
shouldn't have.

Formidable!

Oh, Papa, this is Mr Simon Templar.

Henri Flambeau. A great pleasure,
monsieur.

Professor Henri Flambeau, the
mathematician? This is my pleasure.

The author of the theory of the
probability in gambling?

You've heard of it! Good! Of course,
it's the gambler's bible.

Oh, very nice.

And do you know what would be even
nicer?

If you, sir, and your charming
daughter would come and watch the big game.

I'd love to!I wouldn't miss it for
the world.

Well, shall we? Thank you.

Monsieur Simon Templar.

Your Highness.

Makes a change from kiddies' games,
doesn't it?

Mesdames, messieurs, la banque est
ouverte.

Faites vos jeux. Marquez vos jeux,
s'il vous plait.

Rien ne va plus.

Does anyone here speak English?

Can I be of help, madame? Pardon me.

Do you happen to know if this is the
game that we call chemmy back in the States?

No, no, no, madame. In baccarat,
both sides play against the bank.

The object is to score a total of
eight or nine with the cards in your hand.

Eight or nine? Thank you so much.
Oui, oui.

Did you hear that, Herman?

No.

Carte. CROUPIER: Second card, please.

CROUPIER: Nine for the bank. First seven.
Second eight. C'est banque partout.

Rien ne va plus.

First seven.

Second seven. C'est banque partout.

Mesdames, messieurs, may I suggest a
short recess?

Now, just fancy that!

You being such a fine old gentleman
not telling little old me, huh?

I didn't want to make you feel
inferior.

So, what do you do, boy?

You go pin a donkey tail right on a
man's rump, right?

That's real nice of you. Real nice.

Texas, seriously. About the game...

Hang on a second. Donkeys can't be
serious.

They're only mean, boy, and rude.

And I mean rude.

So I'm gonna settle with you later,
OK?

All right? The game is not going so
good.

Not very. Wouldn't you agree,
Professor?

Yes, the bank seems to have far more
than its share of the luck.

An improbable share, in fact.

Improbable?

The odds in favour of the bank are
usually....%.

In this game so far, they've worked
out at .%.

How do the cards feel to you? Any
rough edges?

No, Papa! Je veux jouer, s'il vous plait.

Attendez, monsieur.

No, Papa, I forbid it!

I must get a closer look at those cards.

I'll play just one shoe, my dear,
I promise you. No, Papa.

Famous last words.

CROUPIER: Rien ne va plus.

Carte. CROUPIER: First card.

Carte.

CROUPIER: Second card.

CROUPIER: Nine for the bank. C'est
banque partout.

CROUPIER: First eight.

CROUPIER: Et, monsieur?

Second eight. C'est banque partout.

You're holding five. You draw a third
card and come up roses.

What are the odds against that?

..

But tell me, in his position, would
you have drawn that third card?

Only if I knew you were holding an
eight.

And knew that the top card was a four.

You are leaving, monsieur?

I must remind you that the shoe is
not complete.

I am aware of that, Your Highness.

But I do not like the cards!

Er... Mesdames, messieurs, er...

as you see, the poor are always with us.

I must apologise for this
regrettable incident.

Shall we resume?

Oh, Papa, how could you?

I suppose you know the casino will
ban us from now on.

How will we make up the
housekeeping? Watch where you're going!

Where are we going? To the card
factory.

The... Oh. Why?

To see the manager, or rather the
night watchman,

to ask him where the manager lives.

Oh, Papa, I give up.

My dear, it's quite simple. Boris
was cheating.

He knew the cards. They were marked
in some way.

Now, it is absolutely impossible for cards
to be tampered with in the casino, so...

So! So. Hm.

Papa, you will only tear your pants
again. Let me go.

Oh, my leg is stuck!

Ooh! Ow!

JANINE:Is there anybody there?

Hello?

Ooh!

Va! Va-t-en, salaud!

Salaud...

Don't move, Professor.

Hard luck, Mr Huston.

It's all right, kingy. Won't even
make a dent.

Amazing.

If you should wish to take your
revenge, tomorrow is gala night.

There will be no limits on this table.

See you, then, hot stuff.

Texas, we have to talk.

Oh, b*at it, boy. I'm just not in
the mood, all right?

Did you lose too?

Texas! Cherie, donnez-moi
francs s'il vous plait.

The game was rigged.C'est impossible!

You mean to tell me that you figured that game
was rigged somehow and you just stood there?

If I had told you, would you have
believed me?

You go ahead and you deliberately let me
lose , bucks! What kind of a human...

That's on account, honey. I'm gonna
give you the balance later.

Listen, you go and lay one on Boris,
you'll get arrested for as*ault!

I ain't gonna lay one on him. I'm
gonna k*ll him!

I thought Texans are supposed to be
smart. We are.

And too trusting.

And thick-skulled!

Now, look, bonehead... we can't do
anything to Boris, not yet.

Right.

Will you listen? OK.

I said listen.OK.

We have to do a little detective work
before we can prove anything.

After we do the detective work, then
we b*at up His Highness.

To a pulp.

Where do we start?

With Professor Flambeau. Right.

Come on, come on.All right, all right.

Get a move on!

Try pushing, huh?

Get his shoe.

A king on the make! Now I've seen
everything, boy.

Well, that's why they kicked him out.
He probably had his hand in the till.

Look at that!

HUSTON: Yee-ha!

Hey, big man!

Hey, Texas! My two don't want to
play. How about yours?

Did you see the condition of that
man? Watch it!

Professor!

Janine!

They've taken her!

They'll k*ll her!

Janine! Janine!

What do you think you're doing?
Getting the police.

No. Don't you understand?

Every minute we waste, her life is
in danger!

If they wanted to k*ll her, they'd
have put her in the car with you.

That makes sense, Pop. You hit the panic
button now, you'll do more harm than good.

Professor.

That's how he knew the cards.

Let me have a look at that.Boris's
monocle.

An infrared principle.

I'm gonna skin that coyote alive!

That's funny, it's salt water.

Professor, you sit tight! We're going
to take a look around.

Make sense? Does now.

That's Boris's yacht.

All right, where is she? Who?

Janine, the girl. You know who I'm
talking about.

It's her perfume, Simon. They took
her out to the yacht in this.

Come on, talk!

They're holding her as a hostage.

Who is?Colonel Rakosi, the King.

Hostage for what? In case anything
goes wrong tonight.

And what's going to happen tonight?
We ship the final consignment.

The ship sails at dawn.

Ah, that does it.

The one man who could have told us
what this is all about.

Let's get rid of him.

Wait until dark? Simon, you're
crazy. It's impossible.

Janine's safe. Until this
consignment, whatever it may be, gets on the yacht.

Yeah, or until something goes wrong.

Which will be us...if we were to try
it in daylight.

Professor, I know how you feel, but
we can only attempt to rescue her once.

There won't be a second chance.
We have to be right first time.

All right. If you say so.

Now, this infrared overprint on the
cards.

Is there any way of neutralising it?

Why, yes. The light from an ordinary
sun lamp would do it.

Ah. Sun lamp.

That's rather like bringing coals to
Newcastle in Monte Carlo.

However, I shall get one.

The report from General Azladis,
Highness.

The revolution will start with a
student demonstration.

Of course. It is the fashion.

The police will fire, there will be
a few fatal casualties...

That girl. What are you planning for her?

Highness, this is no time to think
about girls!

Rakosi...that girl will not be harmed.

And when we sail, she will come with us.

Excusez-moi.

Mesdames, messieurs. La deuxieme
partie commence.

Mesdames et messieurs, prenez vos
places.

Faites vos jeux.

, dollars.

Carte. CROUPIER: First card.

Carte. CROUPIER: Second card.

CROUPIER: Five for the bank.

First seven. Second six.

On paie partout.

Five millions now, the balance after
the king's game tonight.

He'd better win. He will.

Come on, you two.

OK.

Hurry up, you two! We've got
trips to make!

Swim much in Texas?

My swimming pool is ten acres square.

Thought that was the Gulf of Mexico.

S'il vous plait.

Merci.

OK?

French? Secret.

Probably from one of their research
establishments.

Boris is planning a revolution?
It certainly looks like it.

SIMON: It's a demolition charge.

With a neat timing device.

Very interesting.

Well...Janine first.

Janine!

Move away! Move away from the mirror!

HUSTON: Simon!Get down.

Come on, let's go.

Get after Texas, quick!

It's a quarter mile ashore. Can you
make it? Of course.

Of you go, then, quick. Go on.

You next.

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

CROUPIER: Tout est paye.

Pour le personnel. Voila! Merci
bien, monsieur.

Ha-ha-ha! Ho-ho!

Monsieur, aidez-moi, s'il vous
plait.

Papa! Janine! You're safe!

You're safe! Look! Ha-ha! Professor,
now that you've won all that money,

don't you think you should go home
before you get sunburnt?

Oh, yes. I shall blister all the way
to the bank.

Oh, look at that!

Boris! My little baby!

Rakosi! Rakosi!

Operate...emergency procedures
immediately! What?

Templar has activated one of the
warheads.

Three minutes left!

Abandon ship!

Oh, I love fireworks! The
best is yet to come.

Look not to the heavens for beauty.
Feast your eyes on this.

All the money back, plus a handsome
profit.

There goes Boris's revolution. Ha!

How lovely!

Five...four...three...two...one
...zero.

What was that? Absolutely nothing.

Poor Boris.

Still, Janine, I suppose one must expect
this sort of thing when one is revolting.