08x14 - The Blue Angel

[bunniefuu]

♪ Oh, froggie went
a-courtin', she did go ♪

Two minutes.

♪ Froggie went
a-courtin', she did go ♪

♪ Froggie went
a-courtin', she did go ♪

♪ To the late night show
at the Coconut Grove ♪

♪ Froggie went
a-courtin', she did go ♪

Come, let's go.

Let's go.

Take a bowwow, Maxie.

Studio clear.

Let's strike the set, boys.

Come on, let's go,
let's go. Move it.

You okay, Max?

Any better, and
I'd be in a pine box.

It's this bunch of
losers I'm worried about.

Ah, who we got
here tonight, Smiley?

Global Elvis?

Fowl... oh, that's the
chicken farmer, huh?

Uh... I Claudia?

She reads her diary out loud.

It's a real downer.

Well, at least we got the
Blue Angel at midnight, right?

Smiley, I need to talk
to Max for a second.

Elmer, take that hat off.

I will not.

Look, I'm sick and tired of
all this patriotic bullpucky.

years ago, you
loved America, too.

Ah... world's smallest violin.

Are you really letting the Blue
Angel back on the air tonight?

Listen, who runs this
station, you or me?

Well, you want kids
watching that filth?

The FCC allows adult
fare after midnight.

Now, any kid who's not
in bed, that's his problem.

Those phones only
ring for the Blue Angel.

That's what pays
the bills around here.

The bottom “no is, you
got to give the poop...

You got to give the people...

You've been smoking
again, haven't you?

No, no. I swear to God.

Sit down.

Max has been working here
since the early days of television.

Back then, television
was full of promise.

And so was Max.

He obviously needs an angel.

He's already had three.

You?

And you?

And you?

We'll be here if
you need us, baby,

but it's your turn now.

The way things are going,
you're his last chance.

♪ When you walk ♪

♪ Down the road ♪

♪ Heavy burden ♪

♪ Heavy load ♪

♪ I will rise ♪

♪ And I will walk with you ♪

♪ I'll walk with you ♪

♪ Till the sun
don't even shine ♪

♪ Walk with you ♪

♪ Every time, I tell you ♪

♪ I'll walk with you ♪

♪ Walk with you ♪

♪ Believe me, I'll
walk with you. ♪

On February ,
, my favorite poet,

Sylvia Plath, stuck
her head in a gas oven.

I would, too, but
my mom has electric;

so instead, I keep this diary

to tell the world
what it's like to suffer

as I, Claudia, have suffered.

Max.

Monday, I was depressed.

Max.

Tuesday, I was freaked out.

Wednesday, I was really bummed.

Max. Max.

Elmer, what do you want?

How are you feeling?

Can you breathe any better?

Just keep Morticia
in frame, will ya?

And mind your own beeswax.

Ah.

Thursday was a day from hell.

Friday, I realized life
was totally meaningless.

Saturday, I stayed in bed
with the covers over my head.

Sunday was okay.

Wait... no.

It stank, too.

Hello.

Excuse me. Hi.

Do you have anything
positive you could share?

Positive?

I can't bare my soul if
I'm going to be harassed.

What's going on here?!

We're on the air.

Smiley, get in the booth.

Uh, honey, honey,

uh, you're-you're on
the air, sweetheart.

You're live.

Live.

I don't feel live.

That's the whole point.

We are experiencing
technical difficulties.

Please stand by.

Listen, Miss Wisenheimer,
you got an opinion to express,

you sign up for your own
show like the rest of these bums.

But I'm here to see
you, Max. I'm Gloria.

I'm a health aid
with Life Support.

I brought you something
to help you breathe easier.

- I didn't order that. b*at it!
- I did.

But before you blow your stack,

just remember
what the doctor said.

Emphysema is a
life threatening...

You're fired!

And you got five
minutes to get off the lot.

A“ right, Who's on next? EMS?

Okay, that's fine.

Hurry up, get him
on, get him on.

It's all yours, Max.

You know, he's
just trying to help.

Ah, don't worry about Elmer.

I fire him every day.

You know, Elmer's like glue.

Once he sticks with you,
you can't get rid of him.

You really shouldn't be
smoking in your condition.

Listen, Max...

H was only doing
this for your own...

Is that a cigarette?

So what if it is?

Don't you get it, Elmer?

I don't give a rat's
whisker if I live or die.

And I don't need
any help from you or...

Gloria.

Whatever.

Just leave me alone.

Go on.

Get back to your camera.

Smiley, come on, put
somebody on the air, will ya?

You're watching Public
Access Channel

for Indiana.

I know it's hard to believe,
but he wasn't always like this.

He used to be a mensch.

Mensch?

It means great guy, and
that's what Max used to be.

But that was a long time ago.

Back in .

Okay, kids, my name's Max.

Now, when I hold up this
sign, you show me what you do.

- That's right.
- Hey, Max!

Oh, say, this here's
my pal, Elmer.

We were in the w*r together.

Yeah, and we still are.

- Max!
- Oh, boy.

Max. Max.

Oh, I can never find out
what's going on around...

Well, listen.

Where's the, where's
the story lady?

Where is the story lady?

- Here.
- Ah.

Who you supposed to be?

I'm Betsy Ross.

You little monster, you
do that again and I'll cut...

Pardon me, that's no
way to talk to a child.

And you really
shouldn't be drinking

in front of the children.

Listen, doll face,
I can replace you

- with any broad in this...
- I beg your pardon.

Uh, uh, excuse me, sir.

I believe the sponsor said

he wanted to have
a word with you.

Yeah.

You certainly seem
to enjoy your job.

Oh, uh, I'm just the
applause sign guy.

But a guy's got to
start somewhere.

Where are you going?

Me?

I'm gonna be a director.

Of course, not like that guy.

It's a patriotic duty...

I just got this feeling
that we're sitting here

at the beginning of
something really big.

Television.

Yep.

It's gonna change the world.

It's gonna help the
world watch itself change.

Say, that's great!

I got to write that down.

Listen, I keep a list of topics

for a show I'm gonna have
someday about America.

It's a list I've been keeping
since I was years old.

Uh, when I was at the
New York World's Fair,

back in ' .

Oh, say, look at this.

"This is to certify
that Max Blandish

has been televised at
the RCA exhibit building."

It was incredible.

I was standing
outside the pavilion

in front of this camera.

And my dad and mom were
inside actually watching me

wave my arms on this
little electric screen.

Boy, that was when I realized

television is gonna bring
people closer together.

Well, not everybody.

All right, now I
want folks to feel

that if Betsy Ross
were alive today,

she would buy a Frost-O-Later
from Refrigerator Land, okay?

So let's make sure we get a good
sh*t of Betsy with the penguins.

Betsy with the penguins.

- You-you got it.
- I got it.

Mmm.

Great! Just great.

Now what?

It's all right.

We have another
director right here.

I think this is what
they call your big break.

Refrigerator Land
presents The Kiddie Comer.

Today's show: Betsy Ross.

Hello, children.

Today I'm going to tell you
a story about Betsy Ross

and the first American flag.

Looking good.

Looking really good.

Cigarette?

Ah, no thanks. I don't smoke.

Okay, Elmer.

Stay wide on those kids.

Beautiful.

Now, then, who would like
to help me with my story?

Me, me, me, me, me, me!

Mm, how about... you.

Whoa, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Whoa, whoa, what's
that kid doing there?

Cut to a commercial. Now!

We're about to
lose our audience.

What are you talking about?

They're eating this stuff up.

Elmer, hold your position.

Camera two, push
in on that kid's face.

Now, can you tell me

what the stripes represent?

The colonies?

Very good.

Betsy Ross would often tell...

What are you doing?

We just b*at them!

Nobody wants to see a
happy Japanese kid on TV

in front of the American flag.

Camera two, stay tight
on that kid's beautiful face.

Mister, one day you're gonna
realize you're just plain wrong.

Yeah?

Well, one day you'll realize

that the sponsor
is always right.

And until then, you're fired.

I'm proud of you, buddy.

You did the right thing.

Yeah, look where it got me.

Max, don't give up on that list.

Unfortunately, Max
didn't listen to me.

I can't believe that
was the same Max.

Well, a lot can
happen in years.

Gloria, hurry up!

Get the respirator!

Oh!

There's no time to call !

Oh, don't let him die,
dear Lord, don't let him die.

Hold on, buddy. Hold on.

Max, can you hear us?

He's coming out of it.

Let go of my hand!

Max, let me take
you to the hospital.

No.

Get out of here. I'm-I'm fine.

What are you all gawking at?!

Huh?!

Come on, let's get
this show on the road!

Get back to your camera!

Come on, Elvis...
Whatever your name is.

Come on, shake a leg!

Elvis is among us, and I
have the proof right here.

Now, it happened on
I- near Little Rock.

There was a banana truck
that skidded off the road

right near a peanut
butter factory,

and it left an oil slick.

And that's where the
face of Elvis appeared.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

the King loved peanut
butter and nanner sandwiches.

I mean, it's a sign
that he's still alive,

and he's hungry.

How can you put this on TV?

Shh!

Now, this unretouched
photograph could be yours

for just ten dollars.

That's right, friends,
just ten dollars.

Just call this
number right here.

Operators are standing by.

I hear those
phones a-ringin' now.

Ah, they only ring
for the Blue Angel.

You almost d*ed tonight,
and you're still smoking?

Please.

You're worse than Elmer.

Elmer cares about you.

You know, he said you
used to be a real mensch.

Elmer's a blabbermouth.

I suppose he also rattled
on about my list, too, huh?

What happened to that list, Max?

Life.

Instead of me
changing television,

television changed me.

Max... I have the worst cold.

Oh, you poor darling!

Oh!

Oh, now don't you worry.

You're a trooper,
sweetheart, yes.

Gloria, this is Tiffany,
the Blue Angel.

Hello.

That's what I get for
dancing night after night

in this drafty old studio.

Yes, yes.

Well, now we're gonna go get

some tea with honey, honey, huh?

God bless you!

Blue Angel.

I don't even want to think
how she got that cold.

Tess, why do people say "God
bless you" when they sneeze?

Oh, it's from an old
superstition when people used to

believe that you could lose
your soul when you sneezed.

But the truth is, you can lose
your soul a whole lot of ways.

And Max came awfully
close back in .

My God.

Five, six, seven, eight, kick!

Up!

One, two, three,
four, five, and turn.

Very nice, ladies.

Very nice.

Okay, let's take it
back to the beginning.

How you doing, Mr. DeMille?

Ah, DeMille may have
parted the Red Sea,

but he didn't
have to do it live,

and he didn't have
to deal with a sponsor

like Mount Rushmore Cigarettes.

Ah, come on. You've
been waiting for years

for a chance like this.

Ah, it's still just
a local show.

With a national feed.

Those network boys in New York,

they're gonna be knocking
on your door tomorrow.

You think so?
'Cause this list is

burning a hole
in my pocket, boy.

Hey, it'll happen, Max.

You'll get your chance.

Yeah, when? When they
put a man on the moon?

Sooner.

Hey, a man on the moon.

Imagine that on TV.

All right, people, heads up!

Hey, hey, Eddie!

What's this?

It's for the opening number.

The sponsor put it in.

No, no, no. I ordered mountains.

Max, don't do this to
your blood pressure, son.

Calm down. Have a cigarette.

A Mount Rushmore cigarette
with the cool mentholated tip.

I-I don't smoke.

And listen, I've
been having trouble

with that singer you hired.

How is she coming along, son?

Well, I hired the best
coach in the business,

but you can't make a
silk purse out of a sow's...

We are not cutting that number.

"God Bless America" is
my mother's favorite song.

But she sounds like a horse.

Son, you are the director.

You find a way to work
it out. That's what you do.

Are you gonna work with

your face or your voice?

Okay, let's try it
again, and try to feel it.

♪ From the mountains ♪

♪ To the prairies,
to the oceans... ♪

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hold it, hold it.

Now, you cannot build a phrase
with a mouthful of chewing gum.

What do you mean,
"build a phrase"?

I'll show you. Listen.

♪ From the mountains ♪

♪ To the prairies ♪

♪ To the oceans ♪

♪ White with foam... ♪

Then you build it.

♪ God bless America ♪

♪ My home ♪

♪ Sweet home. ♪

See?

Oh, thank you.

Mount Rushmore
Cigarettes presents

Happy Birthday America, .

Max, mark my words,
this is your lucky day.

The way Tess sings,
you're gonna be in like Flynn.

Who should I work for next,

Sid Caesar or
Milton Berle's show?

What is going on here?

Where is my singer?

Your singer can't
sing. Tess can.

Trust me, your
mother's gonna flip.

Oh, I guarantee
she'll flip, son.

My mother is from Georgia,
and believe me when I tell you

that no one from down South
wants to hear that woman sing

- "God Bless America."
- Why not?

You know damn well why not,
so don't you make me say it, son.

I been in this
business a lot of years,

and if you want to get
ahead, you better wise up.

I write the checks around here.

No dough, no show...
That's the bottom line.

So what's it gonna be?

You want to direct or
stand on that soapbox?

Let's drop that
light down a little bit!

Are those dancers
out of makeup yet?!

Let's go, people, let's go!

I hope you understand.

I'm a good guy.

Honest, I am.

Right now, there's
nothing I can do.

I'm sorry.

Don't you understand, Max?

This is not just
about a variety show.

This is a decision
that could affect you

for the rest of your life.

It's about the kind of human
being you choose to be.

Places, everybody.

Hey, Eddie, clear the stage.

That means you, Tess.

Max, how can you do this?!

- It's not my decision.
- Yes, it is.

You're the director.

What you say goes!

You want me to lose my sh*t?

What is happening to you?!

Look, Elmer,

I'm gonna do the right
thing one day, honest.

When?

When they put a man on the moon?

Yeah.

Until that day... back off!

Mount Rushmore
Cigarettes presents

Happy Birthday America!

Cue applause.

So did he become
a big-time director?

No. Max's heart wasn't
in his work anymore.

He sold out that night

and became what
they call a hack.

What am I gonna do?

Huh? What am I gonna do?

Oh, Max, you
really have to stop.

Ah.

Mm.

Tiffany's sick.

The Blue Angel
starts in a half an hour,

and I've just lost
my Blue Angel.

They why don't you just cancel?

Cancel?!

Don't you get it?

I got bills to pay.

I can't afford to
lose one viewer,

not even for a single night.

Oh, you're just making it worse!

I need an angel.

Well, I'm an angel!

Or I-I could be an angel.

What would I have to do?

Oh, well, uh,

just relax and
follow my directions.

Oh, okay.

Well, that shouldn't
be a problem.

Good.

I've never been on TV before.

Oh, then this is
gonna be some debut.

I'll go check your costume.

I know it's pretty late,
and a lot of you got friends

in the fields at the
cr*ck of dawn, so...

Well, if it isn't
the Blue Angel.

I have a costume and everything.

Do you have any idea

what you'll be doing
with that costume?

Well... I'll be
wearing it, won't I?

Yes, until the music plays.

And then you'll
start taking it off.

I can't, I can't do that!

You got that right.

But I was just
trying to help Max.

Well, you better think of
another way, and quick,

because you go on
right after those chickens.

Good night.

I want to talk about a subject

that's very controversial...

A lot of farmers
have asked me about.

How to pick up chicks.

You got to pick up
chicks very careful.

Okay, Tess... I admit it.

I'm in over my
head. What do I do?

Oh, please tell me what to do.

Gloria?

Elmer.

It's okay.

I talk to myself all the time.

I got Smiley to cover for me.

I'm allergic to farm animals.

I tried to get him to cover
for me after midnight,

but he wouldn't do it.

You mean the Blue Angel show?

Makes me mad
just thinking about it.

Uh-huh. Me, too.

Frankly, I'm not too
happy with Max right now.

Yeah, well, for me, there's
only one way to deal with him,

and that's to remember the guy

I met years
ago during the w*r.

The guy that saved my life.

Max?

You're trying to tell
me he was a hero?

Well, I wouldn't be here
today if it wasn't for him.

I caught a b*llet wading into
Omaha Beach, and I went under,

and he got me out
and carried me ashore.

A week later in the
hospital, I opened my eyes,

and there he was,
sitting by my bed,

making his list.

List?

He had this crazy idea that
one day we'd make a TV show

called We the People.

Oh, Max was a dreamer.

And you bought into his dream.

For years, he said he'd
do the right thing one day.

Yeah, like when they
put a man on the moon.

Listen, don't tell Max.

I'm gonna toss these.

Elmer's a good friend.

He's been through
a lot with Max.

We all have.

Actually, I was with Max

the day they did put
a man on the moon,

more than years ago.

What you are seeing now

on your screen is a simulation

of the procedure the
astronauts will be following

when they exit the lunar module.

Turn that thing off.

Neil Armstrong is about
to walk on the moon.

And you're about to get fired.

Now get back in that
studio; we got a show to do.

Max... today's the day.

You always said
you'd do the right thing

- when they put a man...
- Ah!

Hey!

I'm getting enough grief
from that Andrew guy.

I don't need it from you!

Where is he?

Come on out of that crater!

Come on, come on.

Come on.

Come on. Up.

Now listen, you,
no more arguments.

Time is short.

Here's your ray g*n.

All you got to do is
introduce the feature,

"Space Vixens from Venus."

And when the saucer flies by...

you vaporize it
with your death ray.

No, Max, no. I'm sorry.

I do not believe in
k*lling any living creature,

not even from Venus.

You know what this is?

World's smallest violin.

Do you know what this is?

This is the amount
of time you have left

before something
drastic happens.

What are you talking about?

Your life, Max.

Doing the right thing
before it's too late.

Who is this guy?

Max, look! It's happening!

The, uh, pictures
are a little dark

because of the angle
of the module camera.

Oh, boy, this is
really something.

There it is.

Neil Armstrong, the
first man on the moon,

on this, the th of July, .

That's one small step for man...

one giant leap for mankind.

Max? Max!

Elmer?

- Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, my God!

What-what happened?!

Call an ambulance.

He's had a heart att*ck.

Right.

Hello, operator?

Yeah, I need to get
St. Mark's Hospital.

It's an emergency.

Elmer stayed by
Max's side for ten days,

and then Max pulled through.

How can he still be smoking?

Well, he quit for a while,
and then he started again.

He just doesn't care anymore.

Gloria, will you come
out here, please?

Gloria?

Want to come out here, dear?

Here's your costume.

There's your coat
and here's your boots.

Is this all I'm wearing?

Oh, of course not.

There you go.

There.

What's going on?

Max? Gloria?

Max wants me to
be the Blue Angel.

Oh, no, no, no, you can't.

Well, I told him I would;
and where I come from,

that's as good as a promise.

You tell her she
doesn't have to.

Elmer, calm down.

I'm not gonna let you do it!

Not to a nice girl like this!

Hey, look, who's running
this studio, you or me?

You are!

All right, then.

You go on back to your
camera, or you're fired!

Well, that's okay by me.

What?!

You heard me.

You know, we've been
buddies for years

through thick and thin, but
this time I've had enough.

I was wrong about you.

You'll never do the right thing.

I'm sorry I ever
believed in you.

H-He... He'll-he'll be back.

He always comes back.

I don't think Elmer's
coming back.

So I suppose you're
gonna walk out on me, too.

No, Max, I wouldn't do that.

So get dressed.

Break a leg.

I believe that's what
they say in show business.

And with these heels,
that seems very possible.

You want me to
follow Max's direction

and take my clothes off?

Of course not, Gloria.

You're not the Blue
Angel, you're God's angel.

Just remember that, and
you'll never make a false move.

Even in these.

Smiley, Elmer's gone.

You take over camera.

No can do, Max.

I got kids.

I don't like this Blue Angel
thing any more than Elmer does.

You want to fire me, fire me!

All right, you're through!

I'll run the camera myself!

Gloria?

It's almost midnight.

Oh, look at you.

Frankly, I'd-I'd rather not.

Okay, now, uh, in
seconds, get ready to sparkle.

Sparkle?

Yeah, you know, uh...

Let your love light shine!

Now you just stay

within range of that camera
and have a ball, okay?!

Gloria, five, four,
three, two, you're on.

Now it's time for
the Blue Angel.

Pick up that phone and
make your dreams come true.

Psst! Psst!

What are you doing?

Praying for direction.

I told you what to do.

Sparkle!

Give them a little bit
of the old razzmatazz.

Come on, honey.

Hello.

Hi.

Um...

M-My name is...

Gloria!

GI-Gloria. Gloria.

It's Gloria.

Just waiting on
some direction here.

Psst.

Phones, get the
phones. Answer the...

Hello.

Oh, uh, I see.

Okay, thank you.

Hello.

Really?

Well, thank you.

Okay, bye-bye.

Hello.

Thank you for your input.

Good-bye.

I-I don't think they're real
happy with the new format.

We're losing them.

Take something off!

Show them what you got!

Okay.

Here goes.

What's going on here?

Must be something
wrong with the circuit board.

No, Max.

I'm an angel.

A real angel.

Oh, brother.

I need a cigarette.

You're reaching
for the wrong thing.

You have been for a long time.

Skip the commentary, will ya?

I need a stripper, not a shrink.

What you need is to remember.

Remember when you
loved your life, Max?

When you were full of dreams,
when you made that list?

- Leave me alone.
- For years,

you said you were
gonna do the right thing.

Eh, maybe I will one day.

What's wrong with today?

What's going on here?

I forgot my baseball cap.

Gloria?

You're... you're glowing.

Are you okay?

Yes, Elmer, I am.

But this is nuts!

Are we still on the air?

Aren't we? What, what?

Don't ask me.

I don't work here anymore.

I better go.

No, Elmer, please.

Stay.

And, Max, I'd like to
bring on a few guests.

Let's just call it a
blast from the past.

I remember you.

Y-You're the story lady.

And you're the singer.

And you're the Martian.

I must be losing my mind.

No, Max.

We're the angels that
God has sent to be with you

all through your life.

Because He loves you.

But you didn't
want to listen to us.

Or you wouldn't.

I'm just a hack.

What does God want?

God does not make hacks.

He makes beautiful people.

With unlimited potential.

And He's waiting to
help you reach yours.

What potential?

Max, God still has
great plans for your life.

Something you
lost a long time ago.

God wants you to have it back.

My... my list.

You had a dream, Max,

that you could use television
to bring people together;

to open their minds
and heal their hearts.

You can still do that.

You can start right now.

The camera is on, and
there are people out there

who really need to hear
what you have to say.

Tell them about your dreams.

Teach them what
you have learned.

If you can let God give
your life meaning now,

then it was never, ever wasted.

Go ahead, Max.

It's the right thing.

You can do it.

One day, a long
time ago, I got scared.

And I made a wrong choice.

And then another and another.

I did whatever it took
to get you out there

to watch my shows.

And now that I see that
the last years of my life

have been nothing but a
series of wrong choices.

I lost my dreams.

I lost my best friend.

And I don't deserve
it, but it looks like

God wants to give
them both back to me.

I don't know how
much time I have.

But from now on, I'm gonna
put on the best program I can.

And if the phones
don't ring, that's okay.

As long as the right message
is getting out to you out there.

Don't be afraid to stand up
for the things you believe in.

Oh.

And there's something
else I should've done, too.

These things.

I didn't have the courage then.

I hope it's not too late now.

Tess.

Do you mind?

Welcome back, Max.

♪ God bless ♪

♪ America ♪

♪ Land that I love ♪

♪ Stand beside her ♪

♪ And guide her ♪

♪ Through the night ♪

♪ With your light ♪

♪ From above ♪

♪ From the mountains ♪

♪ To the prairies ♪

- ♪ To the oceans ♪
- Hello.

- ♪ White with foam ♪
- Yes. Come here, come here.

♪ God bless America ♪

♪ My home ♪

♪ Sweet home ♪

♪ God bless America ♪

♪ My home ♪

♪ Sweet ♪

♪ Lord, bless America ♪

♪ It's my home ♪

♪ Sweet home. ♪