01x08 - Izzy

[bunniefuu]

[GRUNTS, SHOUTS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

I can't let you smash it.

Who says I was gonna smash it?

You are not in my mind. You
don't know what I was gonna do.

And I could ask you, what
are you doing in the store

- in the middle of the night?
- Okay, okay. I was working.

And then I didn't wanna go
home, so I was just hanging out.

I decided to try the
machine one more time,

but I accidentally put in the
wrong numbers for my Social

and I got the same thing,
the same card again.

So I put in the wrong numbers
again, different numbers,

and I didn't put my fingerprints on it.

I put on my arm and
my elbow and my face.

And no matter what I did,
every time I got the same thing,

which means it isn't even using
the things people think it's using.

Which means this whole thing is more,

I don't wanna say magical, but, like...

Are you high right now?

- Of course. Of course I am.
- [SIGHS]

But that doesn't mean it's not
true. You can see for yourself.

[MACHINE BEEPING]

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

- Is that what you got before?
- [SIGHS] It's what I am.

I thought you got "Dancer."
[CHUCKLES] You're a... You're a ghost?

I might as well be.

I'm practically invisible
in this town these days.

- And you are pretty scary.
- [SCOFFS]

Well, if you wanna trade, I'd
actually love to be invisible.

- Well, you're invisible to me, dear.
- Oh, thanks. High praise.

I mean I won't tell Mr.
Johnson you were here.

Thanks.

And I won't tell him you
were gonna smash the machine,

especially now that we know about
the fingerprints and Socials.

Oh, forget all that.

People who believe will
continue to believe,

and the people who don't will just
take this as proof it's a scam.

You start telling people
that machine doesn't work

the way they think it does,

it's only gonna create more of a divide

and put you at the center of it.

Now, what if Mr. Johnson
asks about that broken glass?

I'll tell him a... a ghost did it.

Seriously, you say anything,
and I will b*at your ass.

[SIGHS]

[ENTRANCE BELL RINGS]

Good afternoon.

Hope I'm not interrupting anything.

I just took a quick break
from all of my gallivanting

so that I could come and
tell you to go to hell.

- Yeah. You've been talking to Trina...
- Hmm.

... telling her that
I've been canoodling

with bachelors and playing princess,

as if last night and everything that
I've been working so hard towards

has something to do with me.

Trying to... to get
attention or something.

[CASS] Uh... [STAMMERS] ... okay.

- But I did not ask for that, okay?
- [SCOFFS]

I do not want that because I am not you.

So you can think what you want,

but I'm not gonna let you
lie about me to my daughter

the same way that you have
lied about Martha to me.

Yes. Did you really think
that we would never talk?

You told me that Martha
didn't wanna have kids.

You told me that Martha
did not want to have me.

You had me feeling, this entire
time, like this has all been my fault.

Have you had lunch?

I'm sorry, what? What?

- Please don't change the subject.
- I'm not.

I'd like to take you
to lunch so we can talk.

Properly.

Yeah. [STAMMERING] Yeah,
yeah. Treat me to lunch.

Um... [CHUCKLES] ... you do
realize that I made this, right?

I'd rather have an
antler shoved up my ass

than to pick another
deer made out of sticks.

[THEREMIN WHISTLING SHARPLY]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

- Dad?
- Oh, no, no. Trina, Trina. [SHUSHES]

Hold on. I am taking my whistler
potential to a whole new level.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[THEREMIN WHISTLING "YEAH!"]

[DUSTY WHISTLES]

[DUSTY WHISTLES]

[THEREMIN STOPS WHISTLING]

- I think Mom's having an affair.
- What?

I caught Mom and Giorgio together
on the gondola last night,

holding hands and looking shady as f*ck.

[LAUGHS] That's...

Trina, I've seen Giorgio
take your mom's hands...

- [SCOFFS]
- ... and kiss them in front of me.

- It's nothing new.
- And you're... you're okay with that?

I'm not okay with it. Of
course I'm not okay with it.

So then what are you
gonna do about it? Huh?

- Well... I'm...
- I smashed that fucker's sign,

and he didn't even do anything to me.

[SCOFFS] Well, maybe I'll...

maybe I'll smash in
something more than a sign.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Yeah!
- Maybe I'll smash in his f*cking face.

- Yeah!
- Or maybe he has another sign I can smash.

Either way, I'm not gonna stay
down here and take his sh*t anymore.

- No.
- You think I'm gonna take his sh*t?

It does seem like you're here

- playing the f*cking theremin.
- Not anymore...

- [THEREMIN WHISTLING]
- No, you're not!

I'm not gonna take it. No.

'Cause your dad doesn't
take anybody's sh*t! [GROANS]

- Can you just turn that thing off?
- It's tricky! [GROANS]

You render it useless...

- when you take it off a flat surface.
- [WHISTLING STOPS]

[CAR ALARM BEEPS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[VEHICLE DEPARTS]

[CAR ALARM BEEPS]

Come out here, Giorgio!
We have man business.

I'm coming in!

Giorgio, show yourself!

Good. Hey!

Are you ready for your
comeuppance, you slick prick?

[WHISPERS] Giorgio, where are you?

[INHALES SHARPLY] W-Welcome
to Giorgio's. [GROANS]

Giorgio.

D?

[SNIFFS] I never wanted
you to see me like this, D.

I never wanted you to look at me

with anything less
than unadulterated awe.

Unadultera...

- You're the adulterator, you dipshit.
- It's true.

I made a move on your girl, D.

But she rejected me, and
I get it, you know? I do.

Why pay for a slice of Giorgio pepperoni

when you've got the world's
greatest pie at home?

More like a hearty Irish stew, but yeah.

Anyway, it's all good. I'm
just gonna be alone forever...

[BREATHING SHAKILY] ...
and that's A-okay with...

[SOBBING]

[SIGHS] No. No, no, no.

No, don't say that.

[SOBS] I'm just too much
of an idiota to find love.

Even the idiotas deserve love.

No. No, I'm just a big,
bald, stupid little baby.

Giorgio, y-you have many
attractive qualities.

- Name five.
- [WHISPERING] Five? Holy sh*t.

Yeah, five.

You have a lovely big house.

Okay, but that's not about me
though. Make it about me specifically.

Mmm, you've got such robust chest hair.

Hmm. Thank you.

You've got great taste in women.

- Hmm? Obviously.
- [CHUCKLES]

And what a lovely skull you have.

Gotta count for something.

Two more.

- [WHISPERING] Two f*cking more. Wow.
- [SIGHS]

- That's a lot more, isn't it?
- You see?

You see, D? You can't even think
of five things that easily, man.

I... I got nothing to be
proud of, D. I'm a fraud.

I sold all my stuff,
all my cool sports stuff,

including my Rangers
goalie mask. And why?

Why? To impress an outstanding woman?

Like, do you have any
idea how this feels?

To do everything that
you can for a person,

and yet she still doesn't love you
the way that you wanna be loved?

[BREATHES DEEPLY, CLICKS TONGUE]

Giorgio, I don't know how to
help you with that... [SIGHS]

... but I could help
you get your mask back.

Oh, maro. You're such a good friend, D.

Oh, that's all right.

Let's get your hair on, shall we?
That would cheer you up, wouldn't it?

- [BREATHES DEEPLY]
- Yeah.

Head down.

- And pop it on. Pop it on. Mmm.
- Oh, that's nice.

- Pretty boy.
- [CLICKING TONGUE]

Do you remember the first
time we came in here together?

Sadly, I do not.

Now, you were about ten or .

And that was all offices,
and this was Shanghai House.

And there was a koi pond
here, where the canal is.

- Remember? After the tornado?
- I don't remember a tornado.

There was no tornado.

Everyone panicked,
boarded up their windows,

cleaned Johnson's out of supplies,
and it missed us by about miles.

You were so disappointed. [CHUCKLES]

Standing out there on the
lawn, staring up at the sky,

waiting for something
exciting to happen,

and all you got was a drizzle.

So, I brought you here for
some chicken balls and MSG.

You said you wanted to talk, so
does this story have a point maybe?

My point is you were bored living here.

You've always been
bored and wanting more.

When we lived in New
York and I was dancing,

Martha couldn't understand that.

She wanted a quiet life.

She wanted to move here,
live closer to her family.

And I didn't want to
lose her, so we did.

I gave up my career
because that's what you do

when you love somebody.

You bury parts of yourself
to keep them happy.

But I was damn f*cking bored, Cass.

So I ran for office, and
Martha didn't like that either.

And I'm not blaming
her, but I needed that.

I needed something for myself.

Okay.

But you lied to me. Yes.

You told me that you and Martha
broke up because she didn't want kids.

She didn't want kids,

which is why you may have
noticed she doesn't have any kids.

But I did.

I wanted you, which is why I
chose to have you at years old.

With no help from your dad,

or from my parents who
kicked me out of the house

and made me raise you on my own,

which I was damn well happy to do
because I was a very good mother.

- And sweet f*cking hell!
- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Can't you see we're
having a conversation here?

If you don't shut that thing up,
I will dance all over your face.

[VIDEO GAME BEEPS]

Uh, nice, Mom.

I don't expect you to take my side.
You think I'm the enemy. It's fine.

I just wish it didn't always have
to be a competition between us.

[BREATHES DEEPLY] So do I. [SIGHS]

- [IZZY CHUCKLES]
- Mm-hmm.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]
That being said though,

I bet I kick your ass
on that there game.

- I'm actually surprised...
- [CAR ALARM BEEPS]

... these people would
spend money on a goalie mask.

There's a lot they could've
been doing to their property.

I mean, like, not to judge,
but come on. The lawn edging?

- If they're so good at math...
- Hey, Giorgio, you think you have it bad?

- Check it out.
- Whoa, "Sole Survivor." What kind of potential is that?

- It's the worst kind of potential.
- What the f...

Hey there, friend.
You the mathematician?

Nah, man. I'm Urie, the sole survivor.

But I don't know what I'm gonna survive,

so I've been living in the garden shed

to protect my family.

- What a lovely idea.
- Smart.

- You guys wanna have tea with me?
- What a delightful offer, Urie.

I'll give you the mask back for free,

if you come inside and have tea with me.

It's really Giorgio's mask,

- and it looks like a two-person shed.
- Let's have some tea, D.

- [GROANING] f*ck a duck.
- Let's go, D.

- What kinda tea you got in there, Urie?
- Chamomile.

Chamomile. Hell, yeah.

- Chamomile, love it.
- [DUSTY GROANS] Now it's a party.

[GIORGIO] Yeah.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

- [WHOOPING]
- [CHUCKLING]

[CASS SHRIEKS]

[IZZY COUGHS, GROANS]

[CASS CHEERS] Yes!

- [VOCALIZING] In your face.
- Wow. [CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry, who was the
professional dancer?

Oh, that's right. Hi, I'm
the professional dancer.

- Yep, yep. [SHRIEKS, CHUCKLES]
- Okay, ma'am.

- Yeah, you're causing a scene.
- Yes.

- [CASS] Oh, come on!
- [TRINA] You good?

Your Grizzy is faking an injury.

I am not faking.

And it's not 'cause
of that stupid thing.

It's 'cause of Pat and Farid's wedding.

Okay, so why didn't
you just say something?

Why try to play this game...

I didn't get Dancer
for my potential, girls.

And it won't be long before
people wanna see my card.

That's all people care about now.

And once they realize I've been lying...

they'll never vote for me again.

- What are you talking about?
- [SIGHS]

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Does Jacob have any more
of those blank cards?

Just so you know, this
isn't exactly halfway between

our houses as the crow flies.

"As the crow flies"?
You're such a freaking dork.

I'm doing you the favor. I feel
like you should be coming to me.

- I'm not allowed in your house.
- Yeah, how convenient.

Here.

- Thanks for doing this.
- No worries.

[JACOB] Oh... [CHUCKLES]

... of course, yes, um...
this concludes our transaction,

so I guess I'll be on my way.

Me too, as well.

Or we could just stand here
forever in this random spot.

It's not random. It's equidistant
between our houses, so...

Mmm. It actually isn't. [CHUCKLES]

But I am very happy to be here with you.

Because you know what's not working?

Not being together.

No, that's not working at all.

That is definitely not making
anything better. [CHUCKLES]

- [BOTH CHUCKLES]
- I just like you so much still.

- Yeah. [LAUGHS]
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

[TRINA CHUCKLES] Yeah.

[URIE] My biggest nightmare
is losing someone I love.

I don't want my wife around me,
if something bad's gonna happen.

Okay, but this is no way to live, Urie.

I mean, your wife is stuck in the
house doing fractions by herself.

It doesn't add up.

Think about it logically.

If a meteor was to hit your house,
if you're really a sole survivor,

then you'd be fine
out here in your shed,

but your wife would
be... [INHALES DEEPLY]

She would be smashed by a space rock.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

I understand that with
this, but not with this.

Every time I step outside,
I feel like I'm gonna vomit.

Aw, man, I know.

I would throw up before big games
when I was playing for the Rangers

in that very helmet right there.

I put so much pressure on myself
because I was living in fear too.

I felt like... I felt like I
had to be this hockey superstar

just because I had so much
God-given talent, you know?

But the truth is, Urie... the truth is,

now I know I should have
just followed my heart.

Flown to Italy, so it could
be me with Cass, instead of D.

But I want you to know, you
would have been my best man.

What? Okay. Let... [STAMMERS]

I wasn't even in Italy with Cass.

I was... I was working at a ski resort.

- Really? I didn't know that, D.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that was...

Wow, that was actually the last
time that Cass and I were apart.

That was, like, years ago, Big D.

You haven't been on
your own in years?

I mean, I'm... [STAMMERING]
I can do some things alone.

I go to the movies on my own.

Why? Why do you go to
the movies on your own?

I guess, in a way, I am...

a bit afraid too.

Afraid of finding out what would
happen if I didn't have Cass.

I spend so much time thinking
about what she wants from me,

I don't even know what
I want from myself.

It's like we're all trying
to control these things

that can't be controlled, right?

Instead of embracing the uncertainty.

Yeah. I mean, look at us, a
bunch of best friend scaredy-cats,

sitting here sipping tea.

- What are we doing?
- [CHUCKLING]

I'm gonna start going back
outside, living my life.

- Yeah!
- Proud of you, bro.

You guys wanna hang out tonight?

- I would love to...
- Me too.

... but I have... [CLEARS THROAT]

[STAMMERS] ... previously committed
to going to a m-magic show.

That sounds fake.

It does. But, no. The magic is real.

[THEATER GOERS CHATTERING]

- Wow. [SCOFFS]
- I know.

I'm surprised I found a parking spot.

This is incredible, Izzy. I can't
believe how many people showed.

Well, like I told them, if you
turn out to be a real magician,

maybe they'll turn out to be
whatever it says on their cards.

- No pressure.
- [LAUGHING]

- [IZZY LAUGHS]
- [MR. JOHNSON LAUGHS]

- Okay, so.
- Mmm.

Speaking of cards... [EXHALES DEEPLY]

- don't say I never do anything for you.
- [GASPS] Mmm.

- But you can say, "thank you."
- [CHUCKLES]

Or even "thanks." Or "Hey,
Cass, you're so kind."

You think you're so kind? Watch this.

Martha! Over here. [CHUCKLES]

- Is it true? Do you really have it?
- Mmm. I really have it, Martha.

- One permit for one moat.
- [CHUCKLES] Finally.

Oh, Rose is gonna be very happy,

especially since she's
digging as we speak.

[SCOFFS]

The word "magic" first appeared
in the late th century

to describe the art of
influencing or predicting events,

and producing marvels
using hidden natural forces.

Tonight you will witness the marvels

of The Great Morphini!

[AUDIENCE GASPING, EXCLAIMING]

Oh, yeah, I f*cking
love magic. Let's go.

[DRUMROLL PLAYING]

[DRUMROLL STOPS]

- That is not my card.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Well, Father, are you sure
you know what your card is?

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Hmm.

- [MR. JOHNSON] Pick a card, sir.
- Uh...

[MR. JOHNSON] Memorize it,
then replace it in the deck.

[CASS CHUCKLES]

I want you to close your eyes

- and relax to the sound of the metronome.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]

[DUSTY CHUCKLES]

[METRONOME TICKING]

Now, take yourself back
to a memory of a place.

- A real place. A peaceful place.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]

Do you have it?

- [DUSTY] Yep.
- Where are you?

I'm skiing.

Please describe it.

It's snowy.

- [CHUCKLES]
- More descriptive, please.

I need you to really put yourself there.

Okay. Um, yeah. It's, uh... I'm
skiing. It's snowy. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, I'm maybe years old.

[SIGHS]

And, uh... I'm alone.

[BREATHES DEEPLY] You see, I-I've
taken the wrong path on this...

Or the wrong hill, or
whatever you call that.

I'm supposed to be on the Beginner,

but I'm on the Black Diamond. [CHUCKLES]

And so I start going real fast,
'cause it's basically like this.

And I am hurtling so quickly
down the face of this mountain.

[PANTING] And I don't
know what's gonna happen,

but it's... God, it
feels like, I'm honestly

like I'm gonna... like I'm gonna,
like I'm gonna die. [CHUCKLES]

But I also feel very alive.

[MR. JOHNSON] Eyes closed, please.

Where are you? Where is this mountain?

It's in Canada. Uh, British Columbia.

- Where? Be specific.
- This... This place called Whistler.

[MR. JOHNSON] And what was your card?

- "Teacher/Whistler."
- [MR. JOHNSON] No.

Your card. That you
picked from the deck.

- Four of hearts.
- [MR. JOHNSON] Check your pocket.

[DRUMROLL PLAYING]

[DRUMROLL STOPS]

The seven of spades.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[MR. JOHNSON] Maybe that
was Father Reuben's card.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING]

And now, for my final trick!
"The Disappearing Woman."

Cassandra Hubbard.

When I reopen the doors to
this coffin, you will be gone!

Ooh.

Please welcome my beautiful assistant...

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

... who will twirl the coffin around

just to show you there is
nothing out of the ordinary.

- Hello, darling.
- Hi.

- Hold your breath.
- Okay.

Assistant, please open the coffin!

The Great Morphini thanks you all.

And thanks to our brave volunteers.

Well, actually, we're not quite done!

I have an announcement to make.

I'll be stepping down
as mayor of Deerfield.

[CROWD MURMURS]

I can't in good conscience
continue when I've broken your trust

by lying about my MORPHO card.

- [JACOB SIGHS]
- [IZZY] Why did I lie?

Because I saw the writing on the wall.

Because I saw the people of
this town placing greater trust

in the prognostications of this machine

than in their hobbled old mayor,

and I don't blame you.

In fact, I envy you.

You believe in this machine without
questioning where it came from,

or even Mr. Johnson,
our "master illusionist,"

when he claims he wasn't there when
it magically appeared in his store.

You don't have the
coldhearted skepticism

to ask about security
tapes or any kind of proof.

Izzy, you know my
cameras weren't hooked up.

- Why...
- That's right.

But you did say Jacob was there.

And luckily Jacob knows all
kinds of things about the machine.

He was telling me that the fingerprints
and the Socials are all a scam.

Is that what you said?

[JACOB] No, wait, okay, that's
not what I was trying to...

And Jacob can get blank
cards from the machine,

since he so kindly provided me with one.

Okay, I didn't give it to
you. I gave it to Trina.

[AUDIENCE MURMURS]

I mean, I kn... I knew it was f...
[STAMMERS] I knew it was for you.

I didn't directly hand
it to you, but I...

[IZZY] It's not your fault, Jacob.

I don't want anyone pointing
fingers at Jacob or Cass.

Why would anyone blame Cass?

Oh. For making the fake card.

- [AUDIENCE CLAMORING]
- Oh, f*ck.

[IZZY] I never would have
dragged Cass into this,

except she's the only
one with the equipment

to make convincing fakes, see?

[SCOFFS] What are you trying to
say? I only made you one fake card.

- [AUDIENCE GASPS]
- Don't gasp! She just told you that.

Cass, I'm defending
you, honey. [CHUCKLES]

Now, I can assure everyone here

that Cass hasn't made any more of these,

and I for one believe her card,

which happens to say
she's royalty, is real.

So I won't have any one of you
questioning the Potential Fund

or any other profits
she may have incurred

from MORPHO-related merchandise.

After all, Cass isn't the only
one making money off of this thing.

I know Martha and Rose
quadrupled business

since the arrival of the MORPHO,

with people like Coach Eagleson
inspired to have affairs there.

- [AUDIENCE CLAMORS]
- She's even put in a moat.

Oh, let's be real, people.

If Cass were making
any other fake cards,

she certainly would have made a
better one for her own husband.

She would've given him something
more like, I don't know, Superstar.

- [CHUCKLES]
- All right. Izzy, that's enough.

It is. It's enough, people.

Can't you see this was simply

an act of sacrifice from
a daughter for her mother,

so that I could pretend
I once had potential,

when in reality, I was...

How'd you put it, Cass?

"A glorified backup dancer,

whose life's greatest achievement was

playing Swing Number Three
in a shitty Broadway musical."

[AUDIENCE MURMURS]

[CASS SCOFFS]

Okay, do not listen to this woman.

She lies about everything.

She just wants things to go
back to the way they were,

so that she can have power again. But...

But we can't do that. We can't go
back. We can't, we can't. I'm sorry.

No, it's, uh, the machine.

The MORPHO machine means
something, doesn't it?

[CHUCKLES] I mean, I can see that now.

I don't know what it means,
but it means something. So...

While we all figure it
out, we cannot allow Izzy...

[AUDIENCE MURMURS]

to distract us... sh*t.