Someday
You're gonna be lonely
Someday
You're gonna be blue
And that's when you
Crave the kind of love
I gave
Cause all I ever had
I gave to you
Someday
Your heart will be broken
And that's when you recall
One heart that was true
Then you come home--
[screams, sobs]
[sighs]
He said his place
has a hot tub, right?
He says it does.
He says his place is awesome.
Yeah, it better be.
Or what?
I'm just saying
most bachelorettes
are partying in Vegas,
not driving eight hours
to the heart of buttfuck
nowhere.
[sighs]
If it had to be the desert,
couldn't we have done like
Palm Springs, or something?
God, this guy better
have a big d*ck.
Okay, his d*ck is just fine,
thank you.
Proof is in the pics.
Hey, let's go!
I can't pee.
-She can't pee!
-She can't pee!
She can't pee.
So, how do you really feel
about him?
Who?
This mystery fianc!
Oh,
I think he's missing a tooth.
[chuckles]
Whatever, if June's happy,
I'm happy.
Yeah, right.
What made you want to do it
so fast?
I don't know.
When you know, you know.
I'm looking for a man,
like manly man.
Maybe it's this big, sexy,
hunting, dirty type thing
and I don't know,
I just want to smell him
all the time.
I just want to stick my nose
and...
[June sniffing]
Ugh. That is gross.
You want to smell him
all the time?
Like, ugh, smell him?
-He smells good!
-[chuckles]
Ew.
Seriously,
do you have any pictures?
No, he doesn't like getting
his picture taken.
What?
Who the f*ck doesn't like
getting their picture taken?
I'm calling it.
This dude's weird.
Not everybody's obsessed
with themselves, Carmen.
Not everybody's obsessed
with themselves.
I don't know,
I think it's kind of refreshing.
You know,
every other guy I've dated
has been so...
I don't know...
Borderline gay?
No socials even?
No, he hates that sh*t.
He says it conflicts
with the natural order
of humanity or something.
-The what?
-What?
Okay, here they come.
Come on, Liz!
[chuckles]
Oh my God.
Ooh.
Sorry, stage fright.
Liz kept staring at me.
I wasn't staring at you.
Okay, Betty,
will you please explain
to these idiots that things
just feel different
when you're about
to get married?
Yeah, it feels different,
all right.
I mean, six years in
and all I know is
I am so excited
to be away from my kids.
They're maniacs.
I mean, I love them,
but I kind of
f*cking hate them, too.
What's their diet like?
SADIE:
Okay.
-Umm, GPS says 28 minutes out.
-Okay.
Wooo!
[all cheer]
Don't spill that sh*t in my
car, Carmen!
Oh, too late.
Okay, okay.
Cheers to June
and her stupid, smelly-ass,
no-pictures-please,
secret marriage.
Okay.
-[cheer]
-SADIE: Wooo!
-Oh my God!
-Oh my God!
[June chuckles]
What?
It's great.
I've seen this movie before.
It ends bad.
Wow.
What a sh*thole.
Hope the inside's better
than the outside.
We are definitely getting
m*rder*d here.
Yay.
Come on, guys.
It's perfect.
Come on!
Hold my hand.
Let's go.
All right, Liz.
Sleepover.
Oh my God, June.
What is that smell?
CARMEN:
Probably David.
Now I understand the attraction.
So sexy.
JUNE:
It's fine.
It probably just needs
to air out.
Maybe they have scented
candles somewhere.
Hello there.
What's your name?
Really cute.
It's like a great place
to raise a family.
So safe.
It's great.
We're lucky that David
gave us this.
Just needs a...
A woman's touch.
Yeah, only if the woman
is holding a lighter.
I'm kidding.
Look, it's gonna be fun, okay?
Let's just get the bags out
of the car
and get some dinner.
You're hungry, right?
It's gonna be great.
Promise?
Yes, I promise.
[chuckles]
You guys want to
check out this hot tub?
See!
Yeah.
Come on, butthead.
Ta-da!
f*ck!
What?
I think he's kind of cute.
This isn't funny.
You think this is funny?
I didn't put him in there.
LIZ:
Oh, f*ck.
Who the f*ck would do
something like that?
That's just like--
Oh.
I'm sorry, guys.
Maybe we can drain it
or something.
Drain it?
Do you have any idea
how much bacteria is in there?
Hey, this isn't your fault.
No, whatever.
One more reason for you guys
to hate me.
June?
We--
-JUNE: Whatever!
-Close it.
We don't, June.
I don't know about you guys,
but this made me
f*cking hungry.
[chuckles]
[ladies cheering]
JUNE:
Ah, okay.
Me, me, me, me!
More?
Fill her up.
Fill her up.
Here you go, party pooper.
I'm good.
No, Lizzie, you're drinking.
Okay, there's a goat head
in the hot tub.
This place smells like cow sh*t
and everybody hates me
and I'm getting married.
f*cking drink it.
BETTY:
We're all drinking.
-Listen up.
-Yes!
Take a drink.
Don't set it down.
-Take a drink.
-Come on.
Wooo!
Come on.
-Oh... Yes!
-Yes!
Wooh!
CARMEN:
Yes!
The nerd is f*cking drinking!
Now it's a party!
Okay.
Cheers to my little sister.
CARMEN:
Oh.
I'm so excited for you.
And this a beautiful journey
you're about to take,
I hope it goes better for you
than it did for me.
Cheers to you!
JUNE:
Cheers!
[cheering]
Ah! Okay.
[Liz chuckles]
Dude, Sadie was married?
I might be the youngest
divorcee there ever was.
I married Satan himself,
so that was fun.
Super fun.
Great divorce settlement,
though.
What's that supposed
to mean, June?
Nothing.
Just set you up nicely.
I didn't need his money,
thank you.
You took it, though.
All right, all right, all right.
That's enough, ladies.
It's just sisterly love
this weekend
and good times.
CARMEN:
Good times.
Right.
And good vibes.
We need a game.
CARMEN:
Yes.
JUNE:
Yes!
[June chuckling]
Okay.
Yes!
And drinks.
Let's play
who knows June best?
Oh, that's not fair.
You're obviously gonna win.
Okay, f*ck it.
Let's do it.
So, we're all gonna take turns
asking June a question.
June's gonna be the judge.
If you answer wrong,
you take a drink.
Right.
If you don't know the answer,
you take two drinks.
Ooh,
about to get f*cked up in here.
[chuckles]
Liz, that's two drinks
if you get it wrong, okay.
Okay, I'm gonna go first.
Okay, when did June
lose her virginity?
-14!
-14!
Thats like uh--
CARMEN:
It's really young.
[ladies chuckling]
Girl!
I have a question.
What is June's favorite movie?
Ooh, Sharknado.
Okay,
you're just trying to drink.
CARMEN:
What?
[Carmen chuckling]
[Sadie chuckles]
Spice World.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
CARMEN:
Really?
Not by choice.
It's only cause this psycho
over here made me watch it
over, and over, and over,
and over again.
You loved it.
And then, she would make me act
out all the songs with her.
That's cute.
We were good.
Not cute,
but she'd make me be
Sporty Spice.
[Betty chuckles]
Sporty Spice sucks.
[Betty chuckles]
What?
This is really great, guys.
It's exactly what I wanted.
Five b*tches alone
in the desert
is exactly what you wanted?
[chuckles]
Yeah, it actually is.
Aw.
Hey, you f*cking zombie.
Why don't you go upstairs
and join Grandma Betty in bed?
Go night-night.
You know what, June?
I have to be honest.
Because I don't really think
anyone else
in this f*cking situation
is gonna f*cking say it.
Or anything else pertaining
to what we're all thinking.
What the f*ck
are you talking about?
Yeah, what are you
talking about?
Like, I just don't get this.
[chuckles]
Like, any of this.
Like, why aren't you inviting
anyone to your wedding?
You used to talk
about your big dream wedding
all the time when we were kids.
This isn't it.
Well, I'm not a kid anymore.
Okay, then why
aren't you inviting anyone
to meet this guy
who you're marrying
in such a f*cking hurry?
Do you even know
who I am anymore?
Okay, wow.
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, I don't know.
We hardly see each other.
We don't even hang out anymore.
Well, maybe it's because
I don't want to be
in this new f*cking circle
of whatever the f*ck
this f*cking thing is.
JUNE:
Okay, whatever.
Hey, what the f*ck did I do?
Oh, what the f*ck
didn't you do, Carmen?
You f*cking bitch.
-You know what you f*cking did!
-Oh my God.
Did you call me a bitch?
Okay, this is f*cking crazy.
You're f*cking drunk, Liz.
Okay, guys, come on.
Come on.
Seriously.
You are drunk.
Okay, and look,
I have a bunch
of fun sh*t planned tomorrow.
Can we just all get along
and not ruin the trip
before it's even happened?
Of course, you're trying
to ruin this.
Anytime something
isn't about you.
Go to bed.
Dang.
Nothing's ever about me!
You okay?
She just pisses me off.
I shouldn't have invited her.
I'm barely even friends
with her anymore.
Stop it.
Yes, you are.
Of course, you'd say that,
you agree with her.
About what?
Um, my wedding.
I know you don't approve.
Okay, you're not fooling anyone
around here
with your overly supportive,
everything is great bullshit.
Are you f*cking
kidding me right now?
All I've done is support you.
Don't turn this around
on me, okay?
You just said no to everything.
The nice hotel,
the beach vacation.
The f*cking spa thing.
I mean,
f*cking look around you.
Look where we are.
There it is.
You know what?
Why don't you all just leave?
I don't want any of that sh*t,
Sadie!
I don't care about it.
I know you don't like him.
And I know that you're afraid
that I'm gonna make
the same f*cking mistake
that you did.
Not everybody cares about--
about money and f*cking status.
I think it's gross.
All you care about is--
is your new car,
and your stupid f*cking job,
and what everybody thinks
about you.
Well, guess what?
I don't want to end up
alone like you.
And David actually wants
to be with me forever.
Wow.
Okay, nice to know what
you really think about me.
The truth hurts.
Jesus Christ.
What happened to you?
Nothing!
I am happy!
For the first time, I'm happy!
This is what happiness
looks like!
[scoffs]
It really doesn't suit you.
I'm going to bed.
No wonder mom left.
f*ck you, June.
[sighs]
[chuckles]
Are you okay?
No.
No.
Hey.
Get some coffee?
Over there.
You want some?
Just pour it on my head.
It's tempting.
[chuckles lightly]
[Liz chuckles lightly]
I'm sorry, Juney.
I'm sorry, too.
I'm sorry, Sadie.
It's okay.
You know what?
It's a new day, clean slate.
Let's just please have fun
the rest of the trip.
And I'm hiding the tequila
from you.
I don't even like it.
[Sadie chuckles]
Oh, hmm.
Oh, we all love
each other again?
Oh.
Oh.
Ooh, somebody needs
to brush their teeth.
Liz.
Oh God. Sorry.
[June chuckles]
All right.
You idiots ready
to take my yoga class or what?
[sighs]
Oh my God.
And she's down.
Breathe in.
And breathe out.
[exhales]
Nice corpse pose, Liz.
Mmmm.
Hey, Betty.
Um, there is a fresh
pile of sh*t right here.
So I'm just going to head
on inside.
But thank you so much for that.
It was really great.
Sorry.
This was really fun.
Quitters!
No, wait for me, please.
Do you think there's snakes
out here?
How you holding up?
Good.
Bye.
[Sadie chuckles]
I mean, this is crazy, right?
Yeah.
It is, but what can I do?
I mean...
I mean, she can't really be
marrying this hillbilly, right?
Seems like she's gonna.
We gotta get good with it.
f*ck!
No.
[chuckles]
I know.
Hey, you remember
her 12th birthday party?
We made her that
creepy, weird worm cake.
It was like, red in the middle.
[chuckles]
It was a caterpillar.
[chuckles]
No!
It was a worm, I saw it.
Yes, it was.
It was not, no.
[chuckles]
Now she's marrying
some guy with no teeth.
He has some teeth.
[chuckles lightly]
Yeah.
That cake was f*cking epic.
She had that meltdown.
[chuckles]
Oh my God.
Honestly, I just...
I just thought she was smarter
than this?
Yeah, me too.
I don't know,
maybe we can change her mind?
If not,
we can always k*ll him.
And namaste.
2003, Chateau Lafite Limier.
Cool.
No, not cool.
This is as close to perfection
as all the great Lafites
in the last three decades.
I don't even want
to tell you what it cost.
But you will.
Only because
I want everyone here
to know exactly what they're
about to experience.
Okay, how much?
2,400.
Oh sh*t.
Oh my goodness.
Fill her up!
No.
2 ounces to start.
2 ounces?
-Just really let it...
-Communion.
Let it breathe, okay.
There we go.
Let it breathe,
let it breathe.
Is that 2 ounces?
I think it's--
I think it might go...
Oh, for fucks sakes.
I think I--
Thank you.
And a toast.
June, I think I can speak
for everyone here
when I say we're all so happy
for you.
You say you found
your soulmate
and...
I found my soulmate on
the day you were born.
-BETTY: Aww.
-LIZ: Aww.
You're a gift to my heart.
And a friend of my spirit.
You're my sister
and with that comes
so many things,
but mostly it just comes
with a lifetime of love.
So, here's to June and David.
Together may they
build a life of love,
happiness, and peace.
To June and David.
[Carmen gasps]
Okay, I'll get it.
Hot one never dies first.
Go with her.
Oh my God.
Okay.
Are you expecting someone?
You better be cute.
Hello?
Hello?
Just like lock the f*cking door.
Oh, relax.
It's just someone
f*cking around.
No, Liz is right.
Lock it.
Jesus, paranoid much?
I don't know, this feels weird.
I don't-- I don't like it.
Oh, someone knocked on the door.
We're all gonna die.
[June screaming]
Baby!
You scared the sh*t out of me.
Mmm.
June, what the f*ck?
CARMEN:
Yeah, what the f*ck is right?
Everybody, this is Davey.
Davey,
this is Carmen, Liz, Betty
and you remember
my sister Sadie.
Hey, sorry ladies.
Did we scare y'all?
Yeah, you did.
What do you mean we?
[David's friends hooting]
Hey everybody, these are
my boys Bobby and Mikey.
And that's Puppy.
Don't go mindin Puppy,
he don't speak much.
We brought drinks.
Oh yeah.
Lovely.
I'll take one.
Uh, so babe,
um, Sadie was just making us
a sweet toast, babe.
We have enough for them, right?
Holy tits.
I'll always drink to us, baby.
Maybe that's not for me.
Puppy, throw me a beer.
Oh, babe! [chuckles]
June.
What?
Bedroom now.
Okay, ow.
Hey ow.
Somebody's in trouble.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I wanted to tell you,
but I was afraid
that you would say no.
Say no to what?
Four drunken idiots
pounding down the door
in the middle of the night,
scaring the sh*t out of us.
Come on.
Sadie, that's not cool.
Okay, they're not staying.
David wanted to come by
and meet everybody.
Him and his buddies are leaving
later tonight.
Okay.
They said they were close by
and I said it was cool
if they could stop in.
I should have told you,
I'm sorry.
I mean, he was actually worried
that you'd be mad.
Yeah, he was right.
Come on, Sadie.
All you guys ever talk
about is how you know nothing
about David.
Nobody knows his life,
his friends.
Well, here is
a perfect opportunity
for you to get to know him.
And maybe even like him.
[sighs]
It's fine.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just-- I wish I knew.
Ah.
Chateau Lafite Limier.
2003, that was a good year.
You want some?
No.
Okay.
[Carmen chuckling]
This one time I saw a raccoon
trying to f*ck a turtle.
Bullshit.
[Carmen chuckling]
I swear to God,
that turtle was trying
to get away.
Couldn't do it, man.
Too slow.
[chuckles]
[chuckles]
Hey, uh, princess Buttercup.
Yeah.
Check this out.
Wow, sexy.
What do you say?
[chuckles]
[Bobby chuckling]
Stupid.
What happened?
Don't ask.
Why?
Yeah, I want to know.
Alright. He lost it in a bet.
I'm sorry, how do you
lose a ear in a bet?
Well, Betty Boop,
if you must know,
it was more of a game of chance
than a bet.
More a game of stupidity.
Poof. Come on.
Anyways, I was right
outside of Elkin
in this shitty little bar,
drunk as hell,
and in walks this dude.
He was older,
dressed kind of fancy.
He had some kind of an accent,
French
or Mexican, or something.
Oh, yeah,
that's very culturally similar.
MIKE:
What?
How was I supposed to know?
I only speak American.
Anyways, this dude sits down
right next to me
and asks for a light,
so, I pull out my lighter.
The lighter my grandpops
gave me right before he d*ed.
A beautiful, antique Ronson,
silver--
Come on, man,
get to the g*dd*mn point.
Yeah, the part where
your ear falls off.
[Bobby chuckles]
-f*ck y'all.
-[Carmen chuckles]
-[Bobby chuckling]
-[June chuckling]
Anyways, this dude
takes a shine to my lighter
and asks me
how reliable it is.
I tell him
it's reliable as f*ck.
Cause it's f*cking
American made.
So, he laughs
and takes out this crazy-ass
f*cking Kn*fe
and puts it on the bar.
He tells me
it's from the Middle East
or something worth thousands.
I could tell he was
telling the truth,
'cause it had all these
jihad symbols
and sh*t carved in it.
He then says,
if my American lighter
can light 10 times
in row without fail,
I get to keep the Kn*fe.
If not,
he cuts off my ear
with the Kn*fe
and also gets
to keep the lighter.
Let me guess what happened.
Well, you know
what f*cking happened.
[Carmen chuckles]
Piece of sh*t lighter only made
it to three
and flamed out.
[David chuckles]
So, instead of
just walking away,
this jackass lets
the m*therf*cker
saw his ear off clean.
Hey, I may be a jackass,
but I'm also a man of my word.
[chuckles]
So uh, why are you guys here?
We're here to see you, baby.
f*cking Casanova.
Do not listen to a word he says.
MIKE:
f*ck you.
He's more full of sh*t
than a 10-pound robin.
MIKE:
f*ck you. f*ck you, man.
Settle the f*ck down.
[June chuckles]
And truth be told,
I just wanted to meet y'all.
Hey, Junie talks
about yous all the time.
Hey, yeah, I know we could be
a little crude,
rough around the edges.
But I guarantee
there ain't nobody
that'll take better care
of this little girl than me.
Hm?
Wait a second.
I thought you were
missing a tooth?
-[Carmen chuckling]
-Betty!
What?
Sadie said that he was.
Did she say that?
Well, it grew back.
-[Carmen chuckling]
-[chuckles]
Oh.
[sniffs]
Oh, you smell good.
Like a strawberry.
[chuckles]
Thanks, creep.
Am I?
Am I a creep?
[chuckles]
DAVID:
Be good, Mikey.
Eyes on the prize.
Oh, make no mistake.
I am the prize.
I just can't have my guys
getting all distracted
by the snatch.
CARMEN:
Oh.
Especially since we haven't
secured a perimeter for y'all.
The what?
The perimeter.
You see,
on this property at night,
sometimes we get
a few uninvited guests.
Hmm. Imagine that.
Big cats come down
from the hills
looking for trouble.
Bobcats, mountain lions, even.
A real menace.
Mean as f*ck, too.
And since you ladies are here
all alone,
we figured its the least
we could do.
Thanks, babe.
Wait, you're gonna k*ll them?
Ah, no dear.
I figured we'd just ask
them politely to leave.
[Carmen chuckles]
Of course, we're gonna k*ll em.
That's inhumane.
DAVID:
What?
You one of them vegans?
No, I'm a pescatarian.
What the f*ck is that?
It means she don't eat meat,
but's okay with p*ssy.
[all chuckle]
Ain't that right, four eyes?
Oh, come on, Liz.
Come on.
Oh, you city folks,
you ain't never gonna
understand with all your--
your money
and your fancy
sophisticated living, right?
You ain't never gonna compare
to the purity of the k*ll.
Or the sanctity of the blood.
Don't you ever feel bad?
You know, for k*lling
an innocent creature?
No one is innocent,
you dumb bitch.
Hey!
What?
No.
Sorry.
Do I feel bad?
John 5:24,
Truly, truly I say to you,
whoever hears my words
and believes him who sent me
has eternal life.
He will not come into judgment,
but will pass from death
to life.
Can I come with you guys?
It's dark.
Carmen, no.
Your sister thinks
she's the boss of everybody.
What's that supposed to mean?
What I said.
No, I'm serious.
I think it sounds kind of fun.
The sanctity of the k*ll
and all.
It's my bachelorette party,
Carmen.
I know,
but you guys are just gonna
go to bed
and I want to keep drinking.
At least, someone around here
knows how to have a good time.
[Carmen chuckling]
Yeah, we'll have her back
before sun up.
Yeah, they'll have me back
before sun up.
I-- I don't know.
I don't think it's safe
out there for her.
Ain't no safer place
she can be than with us.
And don't worry,
I'll make sure
these shitheads behave.
Go on,
let your girl have some fun.
Yeah,
I'll let you hold my g*n.
Promise.
No.
No g*ns, Carmen.
Oh my God, Sadie.
The boss.
Please.
Please, please, please, please,
please...
If you really want to.
Okay.
Yes.
You promise you won't be mad?
Just be safe, okay?
Of course.
I brought magnums.
JUNE:
What?
Wow, I really
didn't see that one coming.
Oh my God, I can't.
This is so f*cking stupid.
Just be careful, okay?
Always.
Carmen doesn't always
make the best decisions.
Okay, that is so rude.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
Okay, I'll be back
in a couple hours.
Don't be a stress case, June.
Eat my p*ssy, Liz. Wooh!
That girl is f*cking crazy.
Yeah.
[Carmen chuckles]
Oh my God,
that's a dead snake.
Wow.
So cute.
It's like so dusty.
My nose is like super dry.
This is so fun.
Why are we stopping?
We're here.
Oh really?
I thought we were
gonna go further.
Well, I'll keep driving.
[chuckles]
This is exciting.
Out.
Ooh.
All this land,
all that darkness as far
as the eye can see
belongs to my family.
It's been passed
through the generations
for what feels like an eternity.
It's pretty chill.
We'll hang here for a bit.
We'll go north to see
if we can't find a few cats.
And that's when the k*lling
starts?
That's when the k*lling starts.
There you go, big boss.
What is that for?
You uh, you need big Mike
to warm you up?
No, I'm good.
I can see you're cold.
Oh, perv.
Gentlemen!
Uh, wait, what?
How did you know that was there?
It's a tradition.
Legend goes a month
before a wedding,
you bury a bottle of bourbon
in the dirt.
Upside down.
It's to ward off any rain
or bad luck on the wedding day.
Aw.
Yeah.
Well, that's just
a modern day belief.
The truth is, is the practice
goes back centuries.
When the bottle is buried
underground
in very specific ceremonial
circumstances.
This one was,
it will guarantee
you will have a long
and happy life together
for eternity.
You're such a softy.
Who knew?
Bury the bourbon!
Bury the bride!
-Bury the bourbon!
-Bury the bourbon!
-Bury the bride!
-Bury the bride!
[Mike laughs]
I thought you were supposed
to wait till the wedding night.
What can I say?
I'm thirsty.
[spits]
Oh! Oh my God.
That tastes like ass.
I don't know what kind of ass
you've been eating, little lady.
But there's nothing
shorter of 100% liquid gold.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to--
No, no.
No apologies necessary.
This is our own special blend.
It's an acquired taste.
I am sure you will learn
to love it.
Yeah.
Puppy.
Leave some for the rest
of us, you f*cking mute.
MIKEY:
You know, you're f*cking cool.
A cool f*cking chick.
I know.
How about some music, guys?
Hey, Bobby.
You heard the lady.
How about some music?
[You Addiction begins]
Ooh, I like this.
Ooh.
Hey, come in
And let me get
under your skin
Your skin
You started something
you can't win
Can't win
I am your church,
these are your sins
Your sins
Don't you wish you could
take 'em back cause
You've been bitten
And now you made me
your addiction
Your addiction
Just tell me
when you've had enough
Was your decision
And now you made me
your addiction
Your addiction
Just tell me
when you've had enough
But first
Tell me you like the way
it hurts
It hurts
Started a fire,
but you got b*rned
Got b*rned
I am your God,
I am your curse
Your curse
Don't you wish you could fade
to black cause
You've been bitten
And now you made me
your addiction
Your addiction
Just tell me
when you've had enough
Was your decision
And now you made me
your addiction
Your addiction
Just tell me
when you've had enough
Enough, enough, enough,
enough, enough, enough
I got you strung out
I'll tear your heart out
I got you strung out,
strung out
Strung out,
strung out
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Damn, girl.
Hey, you got a phone?
Duh, who doesn't?
I don't.
Well, how are you
gonna call me then?
Wait.
You want me to call you?
Maybe.
Take that phone out.
Davey!
Get over here
and take a picture of me
and my girl.
Make sure I look cute.
Come here.
That's right.
Okay, let me see.
[Carmen chuckles]
Wait.
What?
[yells]
[chomping]
[choking]
[panting]
[chomping]
Cute.
Hey, what are you doing up?
Worried about her?
I just,
I couldn't sleep.
Yeah, me neither.
They're supposed
to be back soon though, right?
[chuckles]
There you go.
Now, that's okay.
Hey.
Hey you.
Did you guys have fun?
Where's Carmen?
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know?
Okay, I-- I don't understand.
What's going on?
She's a big girl.
Okay.
What the f*ck is that supposed
to mean?
Watch your tone.
JUNE:
David.
Jesus Christ, could
you guys be any louder?
They came back
without Carmen.
They said they don't know
where she is.
Oh my God.
I knew this was a bad idea.
I said from the beginning
that this was a bad idea.
Will you all quit
your f*cking chattering?
Okay, what?
You-- you just left her
out there?
You're just f*cking with us,
right?
It's okay, guys,
they're just f*cking with us.
Is that f*cking blood?
We got a cat.
Yeah, a big yella m*therf*cker.
LIZ:
Okay.
Somebody better
start f*cking talking
or there's gonna
be a serious f*cking problem.
[laughs]
You're a feisty little mouse.
You think this is f*cking funny?
Okay, ser-- seriously,
what is going on?
Everybody just calm
the f*ck down.
Booty shorts got a little
too drunk for the drive back,
so we left her there
to cuddle up with Pup.
Okay, take me to her.
Now!
June, your friend needs
to watch herself.
Yeah, well, this isn't cool,
David.
Fine.
Now!
DAVID:
I'll take you.
Should-- should we all go?
No, I think we should stay.
Okay, it-- it's fine, okay.
She's-- she's fine.
She's fine.
Of course, she's fine.
I'll go drag her
drunk ass back here
with little Lizzie Borden here.
And you know,
we'll have some pancakes.
Yeah, sorry to scare you ladies.
She likes to party.
Yeah, that's for damn sure.
My d*ck's as raw
as a baboon's ass.
Jesus.
I'll be right back.
If something happened to her,
I swear to f*cking God.
In what f*cking universe
did you think
it would be okay
to leave her alone
in the f*cking dark with Puppy?
Puppy!
JUNE:
Look, she's gonna be fine.
How are you so f*cking calm?
This is your friend.
Okay, Liz doesn't even f*cking
like Carmen
and she's more concerned
than you.
Okay, Sadie.
Yeah, let's make it about me
and my shortcomings
as a f*cking human being.
Let's remind everybody
how awful I am.
June.
Come on.
What, you think
this is f*cking funny?
You stupid f*cking redneck.
Oh, my f*cking God.
Oh, and just for the record,
I am officially voting no
on this marriage to June.
f*ck.
Hello?
Hello?
[Liz chokes]
Oh, my God!
What?
What is it?
What's wrong?
Sadie, what the f*ck happened?
He f*cking k*lled...
He f*cking k*lled her.
Who k*lled?
What are you talking about?
David.
David f*cking just k*lled Liz
in the truck.
What do you mean?
They're just driving off
right there.
Everything's okay.
He-- he k*lled her.
JUNE:
Sadie, stop it!
June, I'm not f*cking kidding,
okay?
There was blood everywhere.
He f*cking k*lled her
in the f*cking truck.
JUNE:
Hey, Sadie, stop it!
Stop!
June, I'm f*cking serious, okay?
I f*cking saw it.
There was blood everywhere.
Listen, this is f*cking insane!
You need too stop.
Okay,
I know you don't like him,
but this f*cking performance?
You serious?
Come here.
It's okay.
[sobbing]
I'm serious, okay?
I f*cking...
I f*cking...
I f*cking saw it.
With my own eyes.
And--
And Liz was yelling at him.
And then there was this blood
all over the windshield.
And she's dead.
I'm telling you,
she's f*cking dead, Betty.
BETTY:
Are you sure?
I'm f*cking sure!
Oh God.
Okay.
Oh God, I need to think.
Let me think for a second.
Okay, we need to go.
We need to get out of here.
We need to get in the car.
We need to go,
like right now, okay?
[both pant]
BETTY:
Okay, June.
Let's get June.
-Where's June?
-June!
She's out there with them.
Betty, she's out there
with them.
-Betty, I--
-Oh my God.
June, June!
DAVID:
We're in here, ladies!
[screams]
Where's Liz?
Hey, she's not feeling well.
[cries]
You k*lled her!
Jesus.
Why is everybody so uptight
around here?
[Betty shouts]
[Sadie screaming]
No, David!
David!
What are you doing?
Lock your door.
Pups, nice of you to join us.
I assume you're finished
with the play thing?
Don't you f*cking touch me!
f*ck you!
June, sit down!
Sit down.
Okay, so June baby,
the light of my life,
I know this might be
little embarrassing for you.
You know, having to admit your
friends were right about me.
I'm not a nice guy.
I'm not exactly
what I said I was.
I don't understand any of this.
Well, tell her the other thing.
You want me to tell?
Please don't k*ll us. [cries]
Boops!
You're ruining the surprise!
Okay, I'll tell you.
I think they might already
know about it by now, don't you?
MIKE;
Yeah, your friends are dead.
Sorry.
No please, David.
Please just let her go.
You have two choices, alright?
And honestly, I'm gonna leave
it for you all to decide,
because I'm happy
with either choice.
So, listen carefully,
because it's a big decision.
One.
I could blow her
f*cking head off.
No, David she has kids!
Please.
Don't interrupt me, June.
BETTY:
My babies. [crying]
Or two.
I could rip her open
and have her insides spill out
on the floor
and f*cking eat her
for breakfast.
See,
I told you it's a big decision.
See, he told you.
I think we should eat her.
Here's the kicker.
You know, by now
you're probably realizing
that we're not what most folk
would exactly refer
to as normal.
You know, old Betty
here's gonna die either way.
But if I opt to eat her,
then there's still a chance
that old Betty will rise again
to party in the after party.
Please, David...
Again with
the f*cking interruptions!
I can't stand women.
What's with that?
They never stop.
Never stop.
[sobs]
Sadie, if you shut the f*ck up
and listen,
I'll clue you in
on a little secret.
You know,
if I do elect to eat her,
you will be able
to bring her back.
Okay, what the f*ck
are you talking about?
DAVID:
Shh!
Remember, listen.
All you gotta do is
bury the body nice and deep.
You see, this land here,
this is some un-f*cking
holy land.
If you bury her,
she will come back.
And she will be one of us.
I'd rather f*cking die!
Tell 'em the best part.
Oh, yeah, this is good.
See, y'all are probably
wondering,
especially you, Junie,
why the engagement party?
Why the wedding plans?
You see, the boys and me,
we started a tradition,
many years ago.
And I gotta say,
I am not most proud of this
but hey,
it is what it is.
See, what we do is,
we take turns finding a woman.
Usually desperate.
Eager to get out
of her boring life.
Eager to get married.
You know the type, right, June?
So we get our brides-to-be,
and we get their friends,
and their families
to come out here
for a little bachelorette party.
Last year was Mikey's turn.
That was a f*cking wild one,
wasn't it, Mikey?
[chuckles]
Sure was.
g*dd*mn.
We hunt them down one by one.
Eat 'em, drink their blood.
And the ones we really like
we bring back for a little play.
You get the picture.
[pants]
Shouldn't leave these things
laying around, you fucks!
June, the g*n!
Get the g*n!
Come on, baby.
You don't want to do that.
Yes, I do.
You f*cking freak!
I'm gonna f*cking destroy you.
Yeah, move
and your f*cking next.
Puppy, buddy old pal,
care to step in on any of this?
I gotta say, Junie,
your sister's got a heart
I'm gonna enjoy ripping it
out of her chest
and eating it in front of you.
You ain't gonna sh**t me.
[gasps]
Wow.
I did not think you had that
in you.
Let's assess
the current situation.
Hm?
We have two g*ns.
Mine, which I know
is fully loaded
and pointed at old Betty's head.
[cries]
And yours, which may
or may not have any sh*ts in it.
I'm gonna guess not,
but I could be wrong.
Now, if you are lucky enough
to have a fully-loaded w*apon,
then you could sh**t me,
and you could k*ll me,
but I am certain
that a very upset Bobby
or a very unstable Puppy
will rip your sister apart
before my body hits the ground.
I say this could play out
in a lot of ways,
but the end result
is always the same.
Y'all die.
Don't be so sure of that.
DAVID:
Then try me.
sh**t.
[taking deep breaths]
DAVID:
That's a good girl.
Listen, I have an idea.
Why don't we drop the g*n
and get you three out
of the shed?
[Betty crying]
I can't promise
I ain't gonna k*ll you later,
but hey, what can I say,
feeling patient.
SADIE:
June.
June.
June.
June!
How long was I out?
A couple hours, I think.
I fell asleep, too.
So, what?
Are they vampires
or something?
Seems like it.
How is that possible, Sadie?
I don't know.
How can I be this much
of a f*ck-up?
We're all getting out of here,
okay?
All three of us.
We're gonna be okay.
Yeah, we should
have just k*lled him.
No.
David was right.
They would have k*lled you
both. And then me.
But I deserve it.
Like, I can't believe Liz
and Carmen are gone.
Hey, focus, okay?
They're vampires or whatever.
Okay, well,
what kills a vampire?
Apparently, a shotgun
to the head.
You have a f*cking g*n, Betty?
Well, aren't--
aren't crosses a thing?
Or a stake to the heart, right?
Daylight.
Oh, ho-- holy water.
I like that daylight thing.
They hunt at night, right?
Okay, June,
have you ever seen David
in the day?
Yeah, of course.
Or maybe I haven't.
Okay, okay, so we get them out
in the sun,
they f*cking burn.
Yeah.
Oh!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Okay, okay.
Its okay, its okay.
Okay, step one, We get out of
the f*cking m*rder shed.
June, we gotta find something
to defend ourselves.
Find something
to defend ourselves.
Okay.
[panting]
Oh. Okay. Okay.
Yes, yes.
Yes, June, yes!
[shouting]
[gasping]
Its working, its working.
[groans]
Oh, no!
Oh, f*ck no!
[grunts]
[overlapping speech]
Okay.
Where are they?
f*cking if I know.
Let's get in the car and go.
The car keys, I--
I left the car keys
by the coffee maker.
I'll go.
No.
We're all gonna go, okay?
Okay.
They're not here.
I know I left them right there.
I know I did.
Okay. Maybe they're in the car.
Let's just go check there.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
[panting]
Oh, hey, little bucks.
f*ck, I really hate that guy.
No offense.
I found your keys.
Leave us the f*ck alone!
Let us go.
Oh, you can go.
You know, in fact I think,
your head start should
start right now.
5, 4, 3...
Go!
2, 1.
Though I than He,
may longer live,
He must longer than I,
for I have but the power
to k*ll,
Without the power to die!
Ah.
[panting]
June, where the f*ck is Betty?
I thought she was right
behind us.
We have to go back for her,
we--
June, we have to go back
for her.
No, no, no, no.
Sadie, there's a house right
there.
We need to go get help.
Come on.
DAVID:
Betty!
[pants]
Oh God.
DAVID:
Betty!
Betty!
[sobs]
Carmen? Carmen?
Carmen?
Carmen? Carmen?
[Carmen sobbing]
Carmen, is that you?
Carmen?
[screams]
No one lives here.
Oh, no.
Help.
[both sob]
Oh my God.
[gasp]
I found a flashlight.
f*ck.
Sorry.
[puppy growling]
June, what the f*ck is it?
Oh no.
[taking deep breaths]
Oh my God.
[gasps]
Stop!
Back the f*ck up!
I know it looks bad.
But I can explain, please.
Don't f*cking move!
What the f*ck is that?
PUPPY:
I know.
Please, please,
just let me explain.
What is it?
I'm not like them.
I won't hurt you, I promise.
I can help you.
Stop!
We can help each other.
f*cking stop!
I was just like you.
Last year, they turned me,
right here in this cabin,
they k*lled my friends.
My little sister.
She was about your age.
She was beautiful.
SADIE:
Stop!
They kept me...
...kept me around as a joke.
Stop moving!
Something to play with,
to t*rture.
You see the way they treat me?
Like...
Like a prisoner, an animal.
They're sick.
They call me, Puppy.
My name's not Puppy!
It's Andrew.
Andrew Tosh.
I used to sell insurance.
I'm a man, not a dog.
And I want to get out
of here as much as you do.
What the f*ck was all
that sh*t in the shed then?
I had to play along.
They'd k*ll me if I didn't.
I would've let you go, though.
I promise,
I would've let you go.
If you didn't...
If you didn't hit me like that,
then I would've let you go.
I swear.
Stop moving!
Please.
Please.
They're always after me.
Don't k*ll me.
I would've let you go.
I would have, I swear to God.
Please.
Please.
Bullshit.
What if he was
telling the truth?
He wasn't.
It was him or us, and I pick us.
[gasp]
Oh sh*t!
[shouts]
Keep going, keep going.
Oh my God!
Oh f*ck, no!
-June, please, just get in.
-I can't.
June, please.
What about the g*n?
Can it get it wet?
How the f*ck should I know?
The first time I used it was
to blow a f*cking vampire's
head off.
Okay, okay.
I'll hide it.
I'll hide it.
Okay.
DAVID:
June!
[gasping]
Oh my God, now.
Oh.
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.
Oh my God!
Oh f*ck.
Relax, relax.
It's f*cking dead, June.
No f*cking sh*t.
It's staring at me.
Okay, okay.
What are we going to do? Huh?
I don't know.
They f*cking found Puppy
and they-- not happy.
DAVID:
f*ck!
Oh, yeah, but--
DAVID:
June!
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Oh.
[taking deep breaths]
[indistinct speech]
Are they gone?
I think so.
June, we gotta go
before they come back, okay?
Okay.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Okay. Im-- I'm gonna look.
You look, you look.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye, buddy.
Grab the g*n.
Oh, right.
June, they f*cking took it.
Wait, I don't get it.
They grabbed the g*n,
but they don't check
the hot tub?
I think they're
toying with us, June.
Or they're really
f*cking stupid.
Let's just hope they're stupid.
We gotta go.
We gotta go, okay?
We don't want to find out, okay?
[panting]
Find something, okay.
That.
f*ck, it's locked.
Okay, find a key.
[grunts]
f*ck this sh*t!
Nice, June, nice.
[June chuckles]
Oh yeah.
This is mine.
Okay, this is what
I'm talking about.
SADIE:
Oh, sh*t!
We need this.
Yeah.
What is it?
I think it's a bear trap.
f*ck!
What are you gonna do
with a bear trap, Sadie?
Help me open it, okay?
Okay. Okay.
Take it.
f*ck.
How do we pry it?
Just pull it, pull it, pull it.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Um, okay,
I have to secure this, right?
Okay.
I saw a hammer in the shed.
I'll go get it.
Okay, be careful.
Okay.
[panting]
JUNE:
Sadie?
Sadie!
Don't worry about the hammer,
I got it!
JUNE:
Sadie!
Let her go.
She's mine.
Take me, then!
No offense,
but you ain't my type.
I want June.
Tonight I'm finally gonna
get to bury my bride.
I love you, baby.
Don't get me wrong.
I'ma k*ll you.
I'm gonna enjoy that.
Although, I think he may
wanna k*ll you
even more than I do.
[shouts]
Oh!
[snarls]
Man, that looks painful.
[shouts]
I wonder what he's gonna
do to you when I let him out.
Maybe you should be worried
about what I'm gonna do to you,
you m*therf*cker!
You ain't gonna do sh*t.
Please, David, please.
Except watch your sister die!
No!
[sobbing]
[screaming]
[David chuckles]
No!
[yells]
[cries]
Im so sorry.
Its gonna be okay.
[indistinct speech]
[David groans]
[screaming, grunting]
[screams]
I know you think
this is your fault.
And that I blame you,
but I don't, okay.
I used to be fun
before mom left him
and dad became a f*cking shell
of himself.
I just...
I had to become your mom
and my mom
and his rock
all at the same time.
I missed out on
doing stupid sh*t
with my friends.
And with you.
I became so f*cking serious,
that I couldn't even
stand myself.
You were always so kind,
and happy, and carefree.
You know,
I was so f*cking jealous of you.
I wanted to be just like you.
The only thing,
I've ever done right
in my whole life
is protect you.
And I failed.
I let it happen.
This is my fault!
This is my fault.
But I won't leave you,
like mom did.
It's gonna be okay.
It's all gonna be
okay now, June.
It's gonna be okay.
[kisses]
[takes deep breaths]
[Bobby screaming]
[grunting]
Ah!
Let me out and I'll spare you.
[Bobby grunting]
The sun.
It does work.
Just not right away.
Good.
Die slowly.
[screams]
He may be as tall as tall
is tall
He may be as small as small
is small
But tall or small
Or small or tall
He's just...
Just right
Right for me
He may be as bold as bold
is bold
He may be as cold as cold
is cold
But cold or bold
Or bold or cold
He's just...
Just right
Right for me
Doo, doo, doo, doo
And though we know
We're skipping
as high enough
Bury the Bride (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3