03x01 - Bring 'Em Back Alive

[bunniefuu]

(Imitates Julia Child)

And Now We Slice The Celery...
Ever So Carefully.

Taking It Straight
Down The Line.

Daddy, Do You Know Where
My Red T-Shirt Is?

I Sure Do.

It's Down In The Dryer.

When Will You
Bring It Up?

Why Should I Bring It Up?

You Put It In.

Well, The Load Is Finished

And I Think You Can
Go Down And Get It.

All Right.

While You're There

Take The Other Clothes Out

And Fold Them.

I Have To Do Everything.

It's A Pitiful Life.

It's Going To Be So Dynamic.

Hey, Dad.
Hey, Dr. Huxtable.

What's So Dynamic?

My Party.

Cockroach's Parents Said
He Could Have A Party.

It's Going To Be Me, Theo

And Of The Most Incredible
Women At School.

Twenty Incredible Women
And Just You And Theo?

That's Right.

And Only
The High-Voltage Women.

"High-Voltage"?

They Have To Be A Least
A -Watt Bulb

To Get In.

Wait A Minute.

I Thought You And Tanya
Were Going Steady.

Well, Yeah, We Are

But She's Going To Be
Out Of Town.

And You Don't Think
She's Going To Mind?

I'm Doing This
For Cockroach.

It's His Party.

It Could Be All Guys
For All I Care.

Now Look Me
Straight In The Face

And Not Smile

And Say That Again.

It Could Be
All Guys For...

My Son Cannot Tell A Lie
Without Laughing.

Theo, Let's Start
On These Invitations.

(Scream)

What's The Matter?
What's The...

What's The Matter?

Snake! Snake!

A What?
A Snake!

Where?

Down In The Basement.

Wait A Minute.
Get Yourself Together.

No, No, No!

Is There Really
A Snake Down There

Or Is This A Person

Who Does Not Want
To Fold Clothes?

But Daddy, There's Really
A Snake Down There.

Fellas, Go Down And See

If There's A Snake
In The Basement.

Sure, Dad.

Just Settle Yourself Down.

Let's Talk...

But Daddy, I Saw It...

If You Saw It, Fine.

But Daddy...

We Will Talk About It.

What's Going On?

Rudy Says She Saw A Snake
In The Basement.

Come On, Dad.
A Snake?

But There Is.

It Was Probably Just A Hose.

No, It Was A Snake.

It Tried To Bite Me,
But I Ran Real Fast.

Let Me Ask You
A Question.

Would You Recognize It

If You Saw
A Picture Of It?

Yes.

Vanessa, Would You Please
Get The Reptile Book.

Are You Serious?

I Am Very, Very Serious

Because We Have To
Recognize The Snake.

Oh, Okay. I Got You Now.

Daddy, That Snake
Was Scary.

Well, It's All Right
To Be Afraid Of A Snake

Because Some Are Poisonous.

But Then The Others
Are Harmless.

I Hate Them All.

Why?

Because They Stick Their
Tongues Out Like This.

Okay, Here We Go--

"The Reptile Family."

Sort Of A "Who's Who" Of Snakes.

Okay...

That's It!

That's It.

This Is The Snake?

That's An Anaconda.

It Lives In Brazil.

Rudy, It's Feet Long
And Weighs Pounds.

That's What I Saw.

I Don't Think This Snake
Lives In The United States.

It Could Come For A Visit.

We Saw It.

We Saw The Snake.

I Told You.

It's About This Long.

And It's Kind Of
Greenish-Brown.

Was It Poisonous?

I Didn't Ask It.

We Have To
Do Something.

It Could Be
Poisonous.

Son, Would You
Take A Look, Please

And Tell Me What
You Saw Downstairs.

I Saw This Movie

Where This Lady Lived
In An Old, Creepy House.

One Stormy Night
She Opened The Closet--

A Snake Jumped Out

And Wrapped Itself
Around Her Head.

I Saw That Movie.

She Was Choking And
Rolling On The Floor.

Vanessa, Please.

But It Didn't
Hurt Her.

It Was Just Playing.

Here It Is.

Is It Poisonous?

No, It's Non-Venomous.

It's A Common Garter Snake.

They're Harmless.

It's Harmless, Dear.

It's Still In Our House.

What Should We Do?

k*ll It.

Rudy, Please.

Snap It In Half.

We're Not Going
To k*ll It.

We're Not Going
To Snap It In Half.

We'll Catch It.

I Will Catch It.

Dr. Heathcliff
"Bring 'Em Back Alive" Huxtable

Will Catch The Snake.

I Need To Round Up
A Posse To Help Me.

Not Me.

Count Me In.

Count Me Out.

I'll Be At Pamela's.

Walter, Would You Please
Look After Rudy?

Oh, Sure.

This Snake
Is Out Of Here.

Now Wait.

You Can't Go Down There
With An Attitude.

This Is Not
"Wild Kingdom."

Okay, Where
Did You See It?

Over There
By The Dryer.

How Big
Did You Say It Was?

About This Big.

Okay, Show Me
Where You Saw It.

Over There.

What?

You're Afraid.

No, I Just Don't
Want It On Me.

Come On.

Now, Get The Gloves
So I Can Pick It Up.

You Say It's Right Here?

Yeah.

Okay.

(Hiss)

(Scream)

Oh, Boy!

That's
Not Funny.

Don't Fool
Around Now.

Come On.

Dad, It's Over There!

I Saw Its Tail.

Dad, It's
Right There!

Don't Push Me.

Don't Push Me!

Don't Push Me.

Now Stop Fooling Around.

You'll Frighten
The Snake.

Okay, Get
The Pillowcase.

Now What We'll Do Is...

You Get Over Here.

Okay.

I'll Lift This Back

And When It
Runs That Way

You Scoop It Up
In The Pillowcase.

Got It?

What If It Gets Angry
And It Jumps Up In My Face?

Okay, On The
Count Of Three.

Three.

(Scream)

Dad, It Went
Between My Legs.

It's Over There.

We Have To Get This
Thing Out Of Here

Before It Climbs Up
The Steps.

Dad, Snakes
Can't Climb Stairs.

They Can't?

How Did You Know That?

It's A Scientific Fact.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay.

We Have To Catch It.

You Know,
It May Not Be Easy.

There's A Lot Of Places
For It To Hide.

I Knew It Was You.

You Knew
It Was Me?

I Knew.
All The Time?

Come On.

(Hissing)

One, Two, Three.

Scissors Cut Paper.

I Win Again.

No Licking.

Okay, Ready?

(Doorbell)

I'll Get It.

Hey, Pete,
How's It Going?

Hi, Peter.

Want To Play?

All Right.

Guess What?

What?

We Have A Snake.

Where?

In The House.

Hi, Walter.

Hi, Mrs. Huxtable.

Hi, Denise.

How You Doing?

Mommy, Guess What?

What?

We Have A Snake
In The House.

A Snake?

You Mean A Toy Snake?

No, I Mean A For-Real Snake.

Hey.

Did You Catch It?

Well, We Tried,
But We Couldn't.

We Only Saw It Once.
That Thing Is Fast.

Cliff, What Is Going On?

We Just Have A Little
Visitor In The House--

A Little Garter Snake.

And It's Alive?

Denise, Don't Worry.
I'm Here For You.

Thanks.

Mommy, Can You Catch It?

Honey, I'm Sure Your Father
Did Everything He Could.

Maybe The Snake Left The House.

Huh?

Yeah.

See?

Could I Speak To You
In The Kitchen?

Sure, Sure.

I'll Be
Right Back.

Okay.

Won't Be Gone But A Minute.

And Rudy...

Don't Worry About Some
Little Old Tired Snake.

Cliff, I Want It
Out Of My House.

Yeah, Well...

I Don't Care How You Do It,
But Get It Out Of Here Now.

Well, See...

No, Cliff. No!

This Is My House, Too.

Yes, I Know That

But Aren't You The Same Person

Who Just Told The Baby
That The Snake May Have Left?

I Said That For Rudy's Sake.

Okay.

Theo And I Tried
To Find The Snake.

Cliff, Don't Laugh At Me.

No, I'm Not Laughing.

Cliff, Go Down In That Basement

And Find That Snake
And Get It Out Of Here.

We're Trying To Find It.

You'd
Better

If You Want Me To Stick Around.

I Want You To Stick Around.

You Know How I Feel
About Snakes.

I Do?

Don't Play
Innocent.

I Was Never Afraid Of Snakes
Until You Did What You Did.

I Was Years Old.

Sneaking Up And Throwing
That Rubber Snake

Across My Shoulders.

I Only Did That To Show You
That I Liked You.

Cliff, You Could Have
Thrown Flowers.

If I Had Done That

Then You'd Be Afraid
Of Gardens Today.

What Are You
Doing Now?

I'm Getting Somebody
To Catch It.

Who?

I Don't Know--

The Zoo.

The Zoo?

The Zoo Does Not Want
A Garter Snake.

Garter Snakes Go To The Zoo
To See Real Snakes.

Then I'll Call An Exterminator.

For What?

Cliff, I Am Not
Going To Have

A Scaly, Wiggly
Fork-Tongued Creature

Crawling Across
My Kitchen Table.

Okay, Okay.

But The Thing Cannot
Come Up The Steps.

How Do You Know?

Snakes Cannot Climb Stairs.

Who Told You That?

It Is A Scientific Fact.

Then How Do Snakes
Get Into Trees?

They Fall Off The Cliff.

I'm Calling
The Exterminator.

How Does This Sound
For The Invitation?

"Party At Cockroach's House--
All Night Long.

Be There."

My Parents Said

The Party Has To Be
Over At : .

That's A Drag.

Wait Till I Get
My Own Apartment.

We Should Get A Place
Together After High School.

Definitely!

Picture It--

A Big Bachelor Pad
Overlooking The River.

With Dimmers
On All The Lights.

A Bearskin Rug
On The Floor--

In Every Room.

(Knocking)

Come In.

Hey, Dinner's
Almost Ready.

Denise, Would You
Like To Come To A
Party Next Saturday?

I'm Sorry, But I'm Leaving
For College Next Saturday.

In A Few Years, You
Can Come To A Party

At Our Apartment
Overlooking The River.

The River.

We're Going To Fill The Place
With Things Women Love

Like Bearskin Rugs.

Oh, Yeah, We Love Those Things.

You Know
What Else We Love?

Curtains That Open And Close
By Remote Control.

Remember That.

It Is Not That Easy
To Find A Snake In The Basement.

That Man Is
A Professional.

He Knows
What He's Doing.

Mom, If The Exterminator
Catches The Snake

Will He k*ll It?

I Asked Him Not To.

The Snake Is A Living Creature.

I Believe That
All Life Is Precious.

What About Spiders?

Spiders, Too.

What About Sharks?

What About Slugs?

Let's Eat.

Thanks For Letting Me
Stay For Dinner.

That's About It.

You Caught The Snake.

I Didn't Even See It,
And I Looked Everywhere--

In The Rafters, In Storage Boxes

Under The Sink.

Would You Say,
As A Professional

It's Tough To Find
A Snake In The Basement?

It's Almost Impossible.

Especially In
The Basement.

People Got Something
They Don't Want

They Stick It In The Basement.

Lots Of
Hiding
Places--

Snake Heaven.

Well, Thank You Very Much.

How Much Do We Owe You?

No Charge.

It's My Pleasure.

Can't We Pay You Something?

No, Thanks.

But Don't Tell Anybody
I Couldn't Find The Snake.

Take Care.

Bye, Folks.

Did You Hear Him?

This Thing Could Get To Be
Four Feet Long.

It Can Be Anywhere.

Even Air Ducts.

What Are You
Going To Do?

I'm Going To Grandma's House.

Rudy In Bed?

Yeah, She's Sleeping
With Vanessa.

She Was So Scared

She Wouldn't Get Into Bed Until
I Checked Under The Covers.

That's Terrible, Being Afraid.

When I Was Young,
I Hated Being Scared.

You Are Kidding Me!

You Used To Make Me Take You
To See Scary Movies.

You Would Say

"I Want To See
The Haunted House.

I Want To See The Vampire
That Ate Up Detroit."

Those Old, Silly Movies
Didn't Scare Me.

You Lie.

No, They Didn't.

You Used To Sit Next To Me
And Squeeze My Hand.

Then You'd Hug Me
And Bury Your Head In My Chest.

Why Do You Think I Wanted
To See Those Movies?

Haunted Houses...

And Here
Comes Dracula.

(Growling)

I Love It.

Bite, Bite,
Bite, Bite, Bite.

Oohhhhh.

Cliff!

Oh, Cliff.

Cliff, The Snake.

It's Over There
By The Fireplace.

Look!

Cliff, Look!

What?

What Is It?

The Snake.

The Snake Is
By The Fireplace.

Cliff, I'm Going To Scream.

You'll Wake Up The Children.

I Have To Scream.

Use The Pillow.

(Muffled Scream)

Stop, Stop.

Okay, I'll Go Get Theo.

Don't Leave Me Here
By Myself.

You Get Theo.

I'm Not Getting
Out Of This Bed.

I've Got To
Have Some Help.

You've Got To
Help Me, All Right?

Cliff, Try To Get The...

Oohhh, Cliff,
It's Coming This Way!

Okay, It's Coming
This Way.

You've Got To Calm Down.

You Have To Calm Down.

There You Go.

Calm Down.

I'll Get
The Snake For You.

There You Go.

Okay,
Where Is It?

Where Did It...

There It Is.

Okay, Now,
Give Me This.

Take This,
Go Over On That Side

Open This Up,
And Just Put It Down.

I'll Chase The Snake
That Way.

You Just Go Like This.

Come On,
Get Ready.

When I Count Three,
I'll Scare Him That Way.

Okay.

Okay.

He's Already
Over There.

Ohh!

Stay Right Where You Are.

It's Over There.

Now...

He's Here.

I'm Going To Frighten Him
That Way.

You Drop The Pillowcase,
Scoop Him Up, All Right?

Okay, You Got It?

All Right, Now I'll Scare Him...

Hi, Little Fella.

You Climb Up The Steps
All By Yourself?

Cliff, Don't Talk To Him.

Here We Go.
On The Count Of Three.

One, Two, Three.

(Yelling)

Cliff!

Did You Get Him?

I Got It!

You Got It?

Yes, I Got It.

I Got The Snake.

I Caught It.

All Right!

Here, Give
It To Me.

(Knocking)

Yes.

What's Going On?

I Caught The Snake.

Hey, Way To Go, Mom.

What Are You Going To
Do With It?

I'm Going To Take It
Out To The Country

And Set It Free.

Can I See The Snake?

You Want To?

Yes.

Okay.

Stay There.

Do You Really
Want To See It?

Yes.

Okay, Here.

It's Not Very Big.

It's Kind Of Cute--

For A Snake.

Mom, Do You Want To See It?

I've Already Seen It.

I'm Going To
Set It Free.

I Am So Glad That Is Over.

Me, Too.

Let's Get Some Sleep, Huh?

Okay.

Good
Night.

Good Night.

I Hope It
Didn't Have Babies.

(Muffled Screams)