01x21 - Kotter Makes Good

[bunniefuu]

Did I tell you about that
time my cousin Bruce

didn't wanna go to school?

Why didn't he
wanna go to school?

That's just what my
Aunt Elsie said. I figured.

She said, "Bruce, why don't
you wanna go to school?

Give me two reasons
why you don't wanna go."

He said, "All right, you
want two good reasons

why I don't wanna go to school?

First of all, the
teachers don't like me.

And then, the
students don't like me."

He said, "You wanna
give me two good reasons

why I should go to school?"

She said, "Yes,
because you're 37,

and you're the principal."

Welcome Back,
Kotter is recorded live

before a studio audience.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

"My Last Will and Testimony.

"I, Arnold Horshack...

being of sound mind and body..."

most of the time

"do hereby bequeath all
my worldly possessions..."

Arnold.

Arnold, what are you doing?

Why you making out a will?

You still look almost lifelike.

Mr. Kotter,

these are the last
earthly documents

of Arnold Dingfelder Horshack.

And I even left you something.

Do me a favor, Arnold.

Don't leave me the Dingfelder.

Oh, actually, I had you down

for my collection of
celebrity fingernails.

Arnold, this is ridiculous.

Why are you making
out a will all of a sudden?

Oh, Mr. Kotter.

Lest you forget, next
week is exam week.

Arnold. Arnold.

You are planning to
do away with yourself

to get out of exams?

Oh, Mr. Kotter, I won't have to.

Once my grades come
in, my father will k*ll me.

Good morning, good
morning, good morning.

Hello, Mr. Kotter. Good morning.

Now... Hey,
Mr. Kotter, I got a note.

Epstein's got a note.

Right.

"Dear Mr. Kotter,
please excuse Juan

"from his exams next week.

"He will, of course...

"be attending the
Ecumenical Council in Rome."

Juan... Huh?

The Ecumenical Council
took place 10 years ago.

I know that.

I got a note to the Pope
telling him why I'm late.

I say, "Dear Mr. Holiness...

"please excuse Juan
for being 10 years late

"to the Ecumenical..."

Will you sit down?!

Sit down.

I don't know what's the
matter with you people.

Taking exams is no big thing.

You study, you pass. Simple.

Boy... to hear
you talk about it,

tests are more fun
than Betty Provetti.

Look, exam week
is the perfect chance

to prove that you're learning.

It's also the perfect chance
to prove we're flunking.

All this talk about exams is
turning my mood ring black.

Kotter.

Could I, uh, see
you for a moment?

That look.

Mr. Woodman, I
remember that look.

I have not seen
that look since...

the day I graduated,

and you thought that
you'd never see me again.

It's funny you should
mention that, Kotter.

In fact, it's hilarious.

Would you come outside?

All right, occupy your time.

Do something
unusual. Open a book.

Mr. Woodman, what's this...

Now, let me st... Start
at the beginning, Kotter,

and I wanna go slow. I'm
gonna enjoy this too much

to just blurt it
out all at once.

Now, uh...

do you know what
this is, Kotter?

Yes, Mr. Woodman,

that's a graph
of your love life.

Seems, uh...

Seems you reached
your peak right here,

October 13th, 1942.

Just keep up the jokes, Kotter.

It happens to be
a graph plotting

final examination results
for the past 10 years.

Now, this...

This of course down
here is your Sweathogs.

Now, nowhere in the records

of this institution
does it say...

that a student
named Gabriel Kotter

ever took exams
in his senior year.

This whole thing's
a joke, right?

Wrong.

So, wait a minute, I
had to take my exams.

I was gonna graduate.

Go to college, get
a teaching degree.

Well, there's graft,
corruption, bribery...

and anything else
you could stoop to.

Mr. Woodman, this is
a mistake. It's gotta be.

The mistake is calling
you a teacher. Shh.

You're an impostor, Kotter.

You're a fraud!

See? I told you Mr. Kotter
was our kind of guy.

All right. Go to
your next class.

Let's go. Get your books.
Come on, move it. Let's go.

Go ahead.

Come over here, Mr. Woodman.

Mr. Woodman, I must have
taken my exams. I don't...

What exams?

Hey, you didn't take your exams?

How'd you get out of it?

I didn't get out of
it. I took my exams.

Then why isn't it in my records?

I don't know why it
isn't in your records.

But I know I took them.

I think.

There is a very
simple solution to this,

if you "axe" me.

Who "axed" you?

Why don't you just
take a make-up exam?

Yeah, I'd be willing
to accept a make-up

to correct your records, Kotter.

Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Me? Take a make-up
test 10 years later?

That's funny.

It's funny, kids.

In your own words...

"If you study,
you pass. Simple."

I am a social studies teacher.

Now, do you expect me
to walk in 10 years later

and pass an exam on
English, science... mathematics?

Well, that's the
beauty part, Kotter.

I don't.

Well, that's about as
much fun as a man my age

can take in one morning.

You see, Mr. Kotter...

this is a perfect opportunity

for you to prove what
you have learned.

Yeah, you see, what
he's saying is, like,

if you're slow, you blow.
If you're fast, you pass.

And if I flunk, I'm sunk...

But just think, Mr. Kotter.

You finally get a chance
to show everybody

how smart you are.

Check you later, baby.

Be brave, little soldier.

Gabe, you're not
gonna find anything

in that closet.

Why don't you come out of there

before you get lost too?

Julie, I gotta find
my school records.

If I don't, I take
those exams again.

And... I don't know I
can't take these exams.

I always froze
up. Got lock-face.

I have to find my old records.

Hey!

I found my old records.

I got some great stuff here.

Connie Francis
Sings ROTC Favorites.

Burl Ives Sings Little Richard.

And here's a good one:

Polkas that Lawrence
Welk Wouldn't Do.

I have the perfect solution
to this whole problem.

Oh. I'm going to the schoolyard.

Uh... See you later.

What are you gonna do there?

What am I gonna do there? Yeah.

I'm gonna paint a face on this
and run it for president. Heh.

Gabe, you have got
to study for your exam.

Julie, I'm a teacher.

That was 10 years ago.

Why do I have to
study for exams now?

I took all those exams.

I must have.

Probably.

I bet I did.

You think, maybe?

Would you get the door, please?

Certainly.

Thank you.

Wait. Way-way-way-way-wait.

What's this? Oh.

Mr. Kotter.

Us Sweathogs stick together.

So don't sweat it
about those exams.

We're gonna help you study
all the stuff you don't know.

See, we're all gonna
get together and cram it.

Well, you know, I
appreciate the thought,

but I don't think
that... Don't think.

Let us do that for you.

Now... I brought this desk along

so you'd feel right at home.

I am at home, Vinnie!

See. It worked.

This is unbelievable.
You bring desk, books.

If the blackboard wasn't
attached to the wall,

you probably brought that too.

Bring it in.

Wait a minute.

I was just standing there,
and it fell off the wall.

Lucky we was there to catch it.

You guys can't
do things like this.

It's against the
law. It's robbery.

It's 5-to-10.

No, it's 10 to 10.

Hey, besides...

we tend to think of it as...

creative borrowing.

I want you to make sure

you have all this
stuff in school

Monday morning
before class starts.

Hey.

We will. Bright and early.

Yep, that's the plan.

Unbelievable. You
brought books, a desk...

A blackboard.

Only thing you need
to bring is a teacher.

Wait a minute!

Now, who are you supposed to be?

♪ School days School days ♪

♪ Dear old golden rule days ♪

♪ Readin' and
writin' And 'rithmetic ♪

Julie, did I ever tell you

about my great
uncle Hershey Kotter?

No, honey.

Why don't you tell me

about your great
uncle Hershey Kotter.

That's the joke.

There is no uncle
Hershey Kotter.

Look... I don't know
what you're up to,

but I'm not gonna
study with you.

I mean, I don't have
to know anything.

I'm a teacher.

Gabriel, Gabriel,
Gabriel, calm down.

Now are there any questions
before we get down to work?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, me.

Ooh, ooh, me.

Ooh, ooh.

Ooh. Ooh, ooh.

Ooh, me, me.

Ooh, ooh. Ooh...

Look, it's Saturday afternoon.
My afternoons are planned.

I get up in the morning.

I watch Space Nuts
and Scooby Doo.

Go play the basketball
in the schoolyard.

Come home, get a can of
beer, go on the fire escape

and read the funnies
in the Sunday paper.

That's my Saturday.

You understand?

No.

You understand, don't you?

Mm-mm.

Don't you see,

that for the first time,
your kids want to study?

If you let them help you
learn, they will learn too.

Okay. I'll study with them.

But I'm gonna show
'em what it's like

to try and teach
Sweathogs, okay?

Let's go. Come on, let's study.

All right. All right. Terrific.

Now, you tell me how much
of what you learned in school

do you remember?

What?

How much do you remember?

When?

In school.

Where?

What?

Do I remember?

When?

When I was in school.

Where?

Thank you, thank you, boys.

You are stalling.

Hey. Don't you wanna study?

I mean, w... Are you prep...

Where's your notebook?

Where is your notebook?

Hi, there.

Yeah, hi... Hi there. Whe...
Where's your notebook?

My notebook? Well, I just
don't happen to have it here...

handy.

Well, look, man, I was
gonna study, but my wife,

she hit me upside my head.

Gabriel. She said
I'm all... Gabriel.

Will you sit down?!

Well... Bye, guys. Hey.

Have fun. Where you
going with my basketball?

I have a regular game down at
Our Lady of Sorrow's playground

with Sister Mary Mercy. Bye.

Enjoy yourself, babe.

Bye. Bye, guys.

Shalom, honey.

All right. Let us
start out with algebra

because that is the hardest.

Gabriel, would you please
pass out the books, please.

Certainly.

And turn to page
32 in your books.

Thirty-two.

The problem is:
find the value of X

when the integer is unknown.

Gabriel.

Ahem.

The problem is to
find the value of X

when the integer is unknown.

What's a integer?

Oh, it's the new math.

Well, what was wrong
with the old math?

Hey, come on. I bet this
new math is really easy.

Why don't you keep
on reading, Horshack.

Thank you, Vincent.

"An integer is a
counting number.

"If the sequence
is 1, 2, 2, 3, 3, 4,

et cetera, the
integer is apparent."

It's apparent to who?

So find the value of X.

X. I don't know.

Right.

X is unknown. So what's Y?

Y?

Where?

Look... Look, I got lost.
Let's start again, okay.

Hey, look, Mr. Kotter,
don't sweat it.

By the time we're done with you,

you're gonna pass
all your exams.

'Cause we're gonna stay with
you all weekend and help you study.

Yeah, how you like that?

Now, wait a second.

You guys are really
willing to spend all weekend

helping me study,
including Saturday?

Yeah. Baby. We're here.

We thought we were.

You got it.

Thank you.

Hey, Garcia. Hey, man.

What's happening, Kaputzkow?

Hey, Juan, how was your finals?

Hey. What'd you
get for question 16?

Let's see, uh,
16. That was, uh...

That was, uh,
deoxyribonucleic acid.

You know, you put a little on

your cereal in the morning,

turns your eyes blue.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, how'd you do

in that biology test.

Well, Mr. Pacer
wanted to make, uh...

frog dissection
part of the test,

but Juan wouldn't
stand for it. Yeah.

I told him, whatever
he's gonna do to that frog,

I'm gonna do to him.

All right.

Good. See you later.

Yeah.

Oh, uh, Kotter...

Well, Kotter, you
certainly know how to spoil

someone's good time, don't you?

What are you talking
about, Mr. Woodman?

Well, Principal Lazarus insisted

that I call the registrar

at your college this morning,

and the missing test
grades, were, uh...

It seems a
clerical error here...

There's no need for you

to take any more of these exams.

All right. I'm not
taking any more exams.

♪ I don't have to take
any more exams ♪

♪ I don't have to... ♪

That's enough, Kotter.

You're not on my dance card.

I'm sorry, Mr. Woodman.

♪ I don't have to take
Any more exams ♪

Oh?

Is the prom early this year?

No, no, Arnold.

I don't have to take
any more exams.

I am in the clear.

Tell them, Mr. Woodman.

Yeah, he's in the clear.

I still think he's an
imposter, but he's in the clear.

We wasted a whole
weekend studying,

and then you got
out of the exams.

Congratulations, man.

I'm not supposed to take
exams in the first place.

I'm a teacher.

It was a mistake.

You understand, Arnold.
You were a teacher for a while.

When we was
all in this together,

then it meant something.

Not now. Ah... Ow!

See what you did?

Barbarino, Epstein?

Pfft.

All right, all right, look.

You're right. You're right.

I made a commitment to you guys.

There. My proof is
gone. I'll take the exams.

All right!

All right.

Hey, baby. Way to go.

Very impressive
gesture, Mr. Kotter.

That's the dumbest thing

I ever seen in my life.

Thanks a lot.

Now, I wanna, uh,
thank you too, Kotter.

You want to thank me. For what?

For tearing up a, uh...

prescription for
tranquilizers...

that, uh... my doctor
gave me this morning.

I, uh... I, uh, don't
need them anyway.

All right, attention.
Attention. Attention.

I have an
announcement of interest

to each and every Sweathog here.

Mr. Woodman, will
you please tell them

what you just
told me in the hall.

The, uh...

examination results are in.

For the first
time in the history

of Buchanan High School,
not a single Sweathog failed.

I haven't finished yet.

However... There's a "however"?

As you grow older,
Kotter, you'll realize,

there's always a however.

However, the, uh, Sweathog
grade point average...

might have reached
an all-time high.

But for one... very
low grade in Algebra.

One Sweathog just passed
by the skin of his teeth.

I leave it to you...

to uncover the culprit.

We'll find him.

All right, Mr. Kotter...

let's take it from the top.

An integer is a counting number.

Right.

So what's X?

X is... X is unknown.

And what's Y?

Y...? Where?

All right. Let's start over.

An integer's a
counting number, right?

Right. Y... Why?

Because we like you.

And now?

Now's the time to say goodbye

to all our company.

♪ G-A-B ♪

Be a good boy.

♪ R-E-L ♪

Elevate our minds.

♪ K-O-T-T-R ♪

E-R. Kotter. Dummies.

Kotter. K-O-T-T-E-R.

Did I ever tell you
about my Aunt Selma?

No!

Tell me about your Aunt Selma.

Okay. She's a lousy driver.

She was so bad, she got
three tickets on the written test.

That bad? You
take the written test?

Okay, now one day, my
Uncle Leon comes home,

and my Aunt Selma's there,
and the car is in the kitchen.

Unbelievable.

Is that unbelievable?
It's incredible.

You wanna know how
the car got in there?

Why don't you tell
me how it got in?

That's what my Uncle
Leon said. He said, "Selma!

How'd you got the
car in the kitchen?!"

She said, "It was easy.

I made a left when I
got to the living room."

Eleven. Hey.

Julie. What?

There's these two brothers.

Two brothers.

Go fishing all the time.

They go fishing all the time.

Is there an echo in here?

These two brothers go fishing.

One always
catches a lot of fish,

the other one
doesn't catch any fish.

Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. Nilch.

Null and void. Nothing.
Can't catch a fish. Nothing.

Not a fish.

And he's beginning to get mad,

because he can't catch
any fish. Understandable.

One day, he says, "I'll get
up at 5:00 in the morning.

"I'm gonna b*at
my brother to it.

"I'll go to the lake
and catch fish,

'cause he won't be there.."

Smart. He was smart, right?

He went fishing
5:00 in the morning,

and he didn't catch any fish.

He's there for two hours.
Seven o'clock, no fish.

Finally, a fish peeks his
head out of the water and says:

"So where's your brother?"

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him A lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could
Spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think
How you must have been ♪

♪ And I know what a
scene You were learnin' in ♪

♪ Was there something that
Made you come back again? ♪

♪ And what Could ever lead ya ♪

♪ What could ever Lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where We need ya? ♪

♪ Back here where We need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back... ♪