Ta-da!
A fortunetelling machine?
"You will know truth when it walks in your bedroom
with a seashell."
Look at me!
"You will be spurned by a man on a red horse"?
You're purposely trying to ruin my date.
No one's ever canceled a date with me before!
Oh, yeah, well, if he's so great,
then how come you spent the whole time lookin' at me?
[Jessica] Something must be done.
[theme song plays]
♪ Look right down any crowded hall ♪
♪ You see there's a beauty standing ♪
♪ Is she really everywhere or a reflection ♪
♪ One always calls out to you ♪
♪ The other's shy and quiet ♪
♪ Could there be two different girls who look the same ♪
♪ At Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪
♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪
♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪
♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪
♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪
♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪
♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪
♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪
[Bruce] Okay, everybody, check this out.
-Oh! -Excellent!
-Ta-da! -Cool!
Yeah, cool!
What is it?
It's a fortunetelling machine.
I picked it up at an auction this weekend.
Check this out.
-[bell dings] -[girl] Go for it.
"You will make a lot of money."
-Let me try. -Me too!
-Me first! -Hey, I want one.
[Enid] Hurry up, Manny!
I see my fortune's coming true already.
[sighs] Good thing I rigged the machine
to take four quarters instead of just one.
[bell dings]
Please, a fortune telling machine?
Give me a break.
Yeah, why don't you get something useful, like a sauna?
So, Manny, what does it say?
"You will know truth when it walks in your bedroom
with a seashell."
What's that supposed to mean?
That you've been watching too many reruns of Flipper?
All right, what does my future hold?
Wait, it's blank.
Hey, for a dollar, I coulda told you that.
[bell dings]
Wow, this is uncanny!
"A visitor will shower you with gifts."
Yeah, so?
My aunt Jezebel is coming.
She always buys me presents.
I guess she still feels guilty
for putting my hamster in the rinse cycle.
Cheryl, aren't you gonna get your fortune?
If I wanted to waste my money,
I'd buy a wardrobe like Lila.
[bell dings]
Come on, girls, give it a try.
Do I look like I just got off the bus from Suckerville?
We couldn't care less what that machine has to say.
First one's on me.
Well, if you insist.
-Excuse us! -Coming through!
[girl] You gotta try this.
[bell dinging]
"Doom is around the corner."
"That which you love will be destroyed"?
Well, you are in love with yourself,
so I guess that means you're history.
Let's get out of here.
We've got more important things to do.
Yeah, Paulette's is having a special on eyelash tinting.
[people chattering]
♪ And take it slow until you work it out ♪
♪ Ho, no, I'm gonna work ♪
[Bruce] What can I get you?
Do you have any carrot juice?
No, but I'll get you the next best thing.
One cherry cola comin' up.
Oh, thanks.
Cool shirt, what were you doing in Kenya?
I was working for the Peace Corps. Have you been there?
Last summer, my family and I went on a safari.
[Zack] Really?
Boy, there's nothin' like toughening in the wilds.
Livin' off the land,
coming within a stone's throw of wild elephants,
sleeping under the stars--
Waiting minutes for them to bring you your pina colada.
I'm gonna throw up.
Hey, Bruce, I need a refill.
Todd, what are you trying to do with all those napkins,
bankrupt me?
Patman can be such a tightwad.
Actually, he's got a point, you should use less paper.
It saves trees.
Hey, nice to meet you.
[Bruce] Here you go.
Who's that guy?
He's really annoying.
Actually, I liked him, Mr. Tree k*ller.
-Ha. -Zack!
Hi.
-Oh, give me a break. -Hi, Liz.
[Elizabeth] Sorry I'm late.
Do I detect a note of jealousy?
Hardly.
Hey, I brought you a present.
Oh, wow!
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance!
I've always wanted to read this.
What a joke!
You don't even own a motorcycle.
Todd, the book's about a man's philosophy on life.
Well, I'd rather read a book on needlepoint.
This book taught me a lot about myself.
I think you'll really enjoy it.
Come on, let's go get a booth.
♪ I could never let her outta my sight ♪
♪ Now I'd rather see you catch my mind ♪
Now, tell me about your work in the rainforest.
Look at me!
We were walking across the street
and this semi came barreling around the corner
and splashed us!
My dress is ruined!
So is my sweater!
Sounds to me like your fortunes came true.
I mean, they did say something
about doom and destruction, didn't they?
Jess, are you okay?
No, I'm not okay!
Look at my clothes!
Jess, this is the guy I was telling you about
who spent all that time in the rainforest.
Who?
Whatever!
Look at my shoes!
Have you ever seen so much mud in your life?
No, the rainforest is covered in linoleum.
Well, I'm not gonna stand for this!
I'm getting another fortune!
-Outta my way! -Move it!
[girl] Excuse me!
[Jessica] Hurry, hurry!
[bell dings]
Watch out, you are about to be b*rned.
You will be spurned by a man on a red horse?
I have an idea.
Let's continue this interview some place quieter.
Liz, there's just one thing I have to tell you.
[Elizabeth] What?
I didn't come here today just for an interview.
See, I was kinda hoping that you'd be interested
in going out with me.
I don't know, maybe dinner and bowling this Saturday night?
That would be great.
Okay.
So I'll pick you up at
This is just great.
Kevin's gonna be here any minute
and my curling iron's broken!
I told you this fortune machine is ruining me!
Jess, look, it's not plugged in.
You've gotta get over this fortune thing.
It's just a coincidence.
Coincidence?
Coincidence you say.
Listen to this: "You will fail a major test," and I did!
I flunked geometry.
But, Jess, you always fail geometry.
Next time, study harder,
and not at the Nine Inch Nails concert.
Then explain this one.
"Trouble spots are on the horizon."
Then I got this zit!
But everyone gets zits, it's a fact of life.
Not in my life.
You're reading too much into this.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Kevin?
What do you mean your grandmother's in traction?
Well, she'll still be there when you get back!
You can't do this to me, I won't let you!
[dial tone humming]
Hello?
[dial tone humming]
Jess, what is it?
The fortune,
it said I'd be spurned by a man on a red horse.
Yeah, so?
That was Kevin. He just canceled,
and he drives a red Mustang.
Red Mustang, red horse. Get it?
Now do you believe me?
I mean, no one's ever canceled a date with me before!
[doorbell ringing]
Relax, I'll get it.
Liz!
Jessica, look at me!
Maurice was giving me my perm
when he and Christoph got into one of their spats,
and the next thing I know, my hair is fried to the core!
My fortune said, "You are about to be b*rned."
[Jessica] Oh, no, we're doomed!
I'll get my coat.
This is so scary!
We've got to do something!
Maybe one of these emergency supplies will help.
-Lucky horseshoe. -[candelabra clattering]
Hey, watch it with that!
Here, four leaf clovers!
I had them flown in from Ireland.
[Jessica] What else, what else?
Let's see.
Oh, here's a bunch of lucky rabbits' feet!
Hey, you realize rabbits were k*lled for those.
No, I thought they were all hopping around on crutches.
-Let's go. -Good luck, guys.
Look, it says here if you rub a redhead,
it'll give you good luck.
Quick, call Kristy Callahan!
What about me?
I think it only works on natural redheads.
♪ Bones are strong, strong ♪
♪ Fear is gone, gone ♪
Five dollars?
It's outrageous!
It's Patman robbery!
[bell dings]
You will receive some unexpected money, hmm.
That's it, I'm going for broke.
Cheryl, babe, can you spot me a ?
Enough already.
Don't you guys see what's going on here?
Yeah, we want to buy some more fortunes.
And you're in our way.
You're letting some totally random fortune
decide your future.
Take charge of your life.
Control your own destiny.
Don't rely on some manufactured fortune
or horoscope, or psychic.
Hey, the operators on those psychic phone lines
are always standing by to help me.
Or just to talk.
Come on, Winston, get a hold of yourself.
Can't you see this ridiculous machine
has taken over your life?
I have no life.
Hold me.
[Enid and Manny laughing]
Well, I'm not gonna waste $ for a stupid piece of paper.
It's meaningless!
I mean, Enid, you're not gonna receive unexpected--
-[coins jangling] -Hey, money!
Money.
[Enid and Manny laughing]
[coins jangling]
I just wanted to thank you for this evening.
I haven't dated in a while, and, well,
I'm havin' a really good time.
Hey, the pleasure's all mine, really.
So anyway, the trick is to keep your eye on the pins,
and stay as focused as possible.
[bowling ball crashing]
[laughing] Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?
It's a free country.
You're purposely trying to ruin my date.
Don't flatter yourself!
It was Amber's idea to come here.
She's a pro bowler.
How many pins do you have to knock over to get a home run?
[Todd laughs weakly]
[Amber] What, what did I say?
[pins clattering]
♪ Hey ♪
[pins clattering]
♪ Whatcha think that you're doing right now ♪
♪ I said the super egomaniac's flyin' about ♪
♪ They're gonna make a show ♪
♪ It's gonna make a show ♪
♪ Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy ♪
[pins clattering]
♪ Tearing you apart ♪
♪ Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy ♪
♪ Playin' with the heart ♪
♪ Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy ♪
♪ Drivin' you insane ♪
♪ Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy ♪
♪ Makin' you deranged ♪
♪ Stop this mess now ♪
[people chattering]
So, can I interest you in a little food?
No, man, gonna need the money for the fortunes!
How much for the watch?
Thanks, man.
I keep on getting blanks.
Well, at least you don't have the cockatoo crows
once at night, except when the liver is frozen.
You guys should save your money to get your heads examined.
It'd be a lot cheaper, you know.
Look at this, there will be a great new man in your life.
Man is spelled with two Ns.
My name is spelled with two Ns.
-Hi, Lenny. -Hi.
Lenny!
-Hey! -That's nothing.
My last fortune said you will be drowning in luxury.
Then I turned on my Jacuzzi this morning,
and it flooded the whole upstairs.
Oh, yeah?
Well, at least you didn't sprain your ankle
tripping on a lucky horseshoe.
Yeah, well, my luck...
[bell dings]
Oh, how sweet!
In your time of need, others will run to your rescue.
You cut in line, that's supposed to be my fortune!
[Enid] No way!
Yes way!
Give me back my fortune!
It's mine!
[Lila groans]
Somebody help me!
I'm coming, Enid!
[Lila] I want that fortune!
[groans] Give it back, Enid!
[Manny] Get off her, Lila!
Come on, cut it out, leave her alone!
-[Lila] Enid, hand it over! -[bell dings]
You waste your money on foolish things.
Change of heart, Cheryl?
[laughs] I thought it was a jukebox.
Uh-huh.
Shut up.
Get your hands off me!
[grunts angrily]
Fine, keep your stupid fortune!
[Manny] Enid, are you okay?
Well, well, if it isn't Jessica the Jinx
and Lila the Luckless.
I can't believe this has happened to us.
Yeah, we never had any problems
until Bruce got that stupid machine.
Something must be done.
How could you ruin my date like this?
Hey, don't blame me just 'cause Mr. World Peace
isn't captivated by Miss Goody Two-Shoes.
You're just jealous 'cause Zack's everything you're not.
Oh, yeah? Well, if he's so great, then how come
you spent the whole time lookin' at me?
I did not!
Besides, I couldn't help it.
You went outta your way to call attention to yourself.
I did not!
Oh, please!
Here, Amber-wamber.
How 'bout a little chili to go with that shirt?
Oh, you should talk!
Another french fry, master?
Wow, I've never felt material like that before.
Is that natural fiber?
No, it's Lycra.
I like it 'cause it's easy to wipe off.
You know, I love your hair!
-It's so shiny. -Well--
Do you mousse?
No, I don't.
You're impossible!
I can't believe I'm in love with some--
I mean, I can't believe I was in love with you.
Glad Bruce didn't ask for his keys back
from when I worked here.
Yeah, now instead of breaking and entering,
we're just entering.
Scalpel.
Tweezers.
Paper transplant.
The operation's a success.
Let's close her up.
Okay, so maybe I did want to make you a little jealous.
Well, it worked, a little.
It did?
Hey, remember when we all came here after Homecoming
and you and I went off to get some food,
and ended up dancing to all those old Sinatra songs
on the jukebox?
Right.
Then the manager threw everyone out
'cause Winston got his toe stuck in the bowling ball.
[both laughing]
So, this guy Zack, you really like him?
He's okay, you know.
He just doesn't seem like your type.
He's so Indiana Jones.
Actually, Zack's really smart.
He graduated top of his class on an athletic scholarship.
Oh, so he really is everything I'm not.
Todd, I didn't mean it that way.
Hey, kids, I'm trying to close up here.
We should be going.
Yeah.
Wait.
Where's Zack?
Zack!
I think your little friends left together.
-[Elizabeth sighs] -Together?
-I can't believe them! -Yeah, well, neither can I.
They owe me two pairs of bowling shoes.
[people chattering]
Hey, I got one that's not blank.
Cool, what does it say?
All right!
Free dinner for four at the Moon Beach.
-What? -What?
Let me try.
[bell dings]
Now, this fortune, I can understand.
Unlimited sodas for life!
Hey, someone obviously sabotaged this machine!
And if anyone thinks that for one minute,
I'm gonna honor of these coupons--
$, huh?
You got a permit for this thing?
-Hey, dinner for two! -Uh, not exactly.
-Really? -Free drinks!
Let's see, that's a violation of code .
Course, not honoring these coupons,
why, that's false advertising,
which is punishable for up to three years--
I'll honor them and I'll get a permit, I promise.
Just don't arrest me, please.
Okay.
I'll let you go with a warning,
but I'll be back to make sure
you make good on your word, boy.
[people chattering]
Thank your father.
The boys at the station really appreciate
the new cappuccino machine.
Any time!
[Manny] Well, it was fun while it lasted.
[Winston] Is that a lizard in there?
[Manny] No, I think it's an iguana.
I think I like it better this way.
Yeah, it reminds me of that movie Blue Desert.
Or Dinosaur Island.
Or Valley Girl.
Right, what?
If I ever find out which one of you
tampered with the machine--
Don't be silly.
We would never!
Why, that would be not nice.
Besides, we never believed
all that hocus pocus stuff anyway.
Yeah, we know we're in charge of our own destinies.
[Lila] Yeah, we're not superstitious.
By the way, what do you think of my new promotion?
Fortune cookies.
♪ Look right down any crowded hall ♪
♪ You see there's a beauty standing ♪
♪ Is she really everywhere or a reflection ♪
♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪
♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪
♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪
♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪♪