02x11 - The Quick and the Blond

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

♪ Look right down any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see there's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or her reflection ♪

♪ One always calls out to you ♪

♪ The other shy and quiet ♪

♪ Could there be two different girls ♪

♪ Who look the same at ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

[girls chatting in background]

There.

I don't know why Bruce, but it looks good,

It's got a kind of post-modernous type of thing

working for it, it's fine.

It's not a sculpture, you idiot,

it's a security camera.

It'll be my watchdog around here.

So, say I'm not around and some waiter

decides it's free hotdog day for all his friends, Winston.

[Winston chokes]

Winston, that noise is so uncool.

Could you do that somewhere else?

Wow, to you too.

[Winston makes choking sounds]

Eew.

[Winston sighs]

Jessica, you saved my life.

Get off me.

You'd have to get a life before I could save it.

No, I'm serious!

Everybody, Jessica just saved my life!

[everybody cheers and applauds]

She saved me from choking to death!

I did?

I mean, I did.

Really?

Are you feeling okay?

Fine.

I was talking to Jessica.

Well, way to go, Jess.

Do you know what this means?

Years of eating like a barnyard animal

just caught up to you?

Just think of me as your genie.

Whatever you want, I'll get.

Well, there are a few things I need done.

How are you with a hammer?

Great.

Always wanted a walk-in closet.

Yes!

I want to get a table.

Elizabeth, Todd, this is David.

- Hi. - Nice to meet you.

I know Dave. This is the guy I was telling you about.

One week on the team, and he's already the baddest

thing on the court.

Why don't you guys join us?

Okay.

I'm starved.

Here you go.

What are you gonna have?

After you.

I'll have the Belgium waffles, well-done,

a side order of cottage cheese,

and a large lemonade.

Amazing, that's exactly what I want.

Enid, we should hit the books.

Oh, right.

That ought to ruin your appetite.

So, Liz, are you coming to the game on Friday?

Uh, maybe.

Enid, why are you writing your homework twice?

Oh, I'm just copying the answers for David.

Just copying the answers?

Yeah, I hurt my wrist in practice,

excuse me, I'm gonna go see what's keeping our food.

Okay.

Later.

Way to go, Enid.

[Enid laughs]

[Jessica] You won't believe this.

Current Expose is doing a piece on my rescue.

Isn't that the news magazine show

with the motto "All the scandal worth suing over"?

That's it, now listen to this.

They're going to recreate the entire piece.

How I found Winston, untangled his body

from the power line shocking him, gave him CPR,

and carried him all the way to the hospital,

despite my own serious wounds.

Jess, hair and nails don't get wounds.

Anyway, I would've been fine if Bruce had saved him,

instead of running away.

That's a lie!

You better not say that on TV.

I'm not saying it, the show's recreating it.

A short pudgy chicken will be playing you.

Funny how TV makes people look better than they really are.

This means w*r, Jess. I hope you're ready for that.

This is David Harris, he's joining the class.

David, you'll be Liz's lab partner.

Okay.

Before we start, this is a list of chemicals

that you can't mix together,

unless you want the school to blow up.

[class cheers]

On second thought, just don't mix them.

[class commenting disappointingly]

David, take a look at our station here,

before we get you started.

So, how was the date?

Um, let's just say David and I are on Russo's list

of combustible chemicals.

Really?

I wrote him this note to ask him to meet me tonight

at the movies.

Think I should give it to him?

Why don't you just ask him yourself?

I can't. I mean, what if he says no?

I don't do rejection very well.

Go for it.

I'm impressed.

Oh, no, is he looking this way?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

What's this?

Huh.

Enid!

I thought you were gonna go see a movie with David tonight.

I thought so too. He stood me up.

I waited at the movie theater for over an hour.

Maybe he went to the wrong movie.

Maybe he doesn't like me.

Oh, come on, Enid. He could have just

got into a car accident.

You think?

What?

Oh my God, Liz, you call the hospital!

I'll call the police!

Are you okay?

I thought you were dead, or in a coma, or--

Wait, where were you?

What do you mean? I was at home.

Weren't you guys supposed to go see a movie?

Yeah, I left that note for you in class today.

Oh, right. Look, Enid, I need to explain.

I had to get my wrist x-rayed, and I'm really sorry,

I should have called.

No, I'm sorry, I had no idea.

Look, how about I treat you all to a chili burger?

Sounds great.

So I told the camera man, I have no bad side.

Of course, Bruce looks best with the lens cap on.

[everyone laughs]

Wakefield, I need to talk to you.

Excuse me, an alien no life form is trying to communicate.

She's amazing.

She's really beautiful.

I think you better take a look at this.

What?

It's my security camera's footage of your rescue.

What are you talking about?

Now what do you suppose would happen if Current Expose

got a hold of this footage of your so-called rescue?

Bruce, I'm shaking with laughter.

It's up to you, either you do a few things for me,

or I send them the tape.

You wouldn't dare blackmail me.

You're too chicken.

Chicken, get your special chicken! Puck, puck good!

Where did you find it?

It's so you.

[everyone laughs]

Chicken, get your special chicken. Puck, puck good.

Louder!

And move around a little bit.

[crowd laughs]

Okay, class, turn in your assignments.

Here, I'll get it.

Liz, what are you doing?

Why is your notebook blank?

Look, I took the wrong one from my locker, okay?

I'm sorry, it's just that I've been really busy

with a lot of stuff, and it's been really hard

keeping up with practice with my wrist.

Liz, David, your assignment?

We don't have it.

I gave you that homework, so you'd understand

today's lab.

Sorry, Mr. Russo.

You and Liz are gonna have to stay after school today

to make up the written part.

But.

I'll see you after school.

[suspenseful music]

You have minutes to answer all questions.

Get started.

[suspenseful music]

[Banging sound]

David!

I'll get him.

Wait! David!

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Then why aren't you in there doing your assignment?

Is it your wrist?

No, I mean, I don't know.

Come on, you're gonna get in even more trouble.

I can't.

Of course you can, we still have time.

No, I mean I can't do it!

What are you talking about?

Forget it!

He can't read.

-Here you go. -Thanks.

Winston's a terrible servant.

He's completely inept.

I know, look at what he did to your hair.

I did my own hair, Lila.

And it looks great on you.

All I asked him to do

was get my outfit ready this morning.

Look at this button. It's almost coming off.

Hold on a sec.

I don't think anybody is gonna notice the buttons.

[sighs] You just can't find good free help these days.

What am I gonna do?

Whenever I turn around, Winston's there,

smiling at me.

I have an idea.

If you save his life, then the score will be even.

A life for a life. Then he'll have to leave you alone.

When would he save me?

I'm not in any trouble.

Oh, I think Sweet Valley can be pretty dangerous

when it needs to be.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, Liz, I finished my homework,

and I straightened it all out with Russo.

David, I need to talk to you.

Look, I know you've managed to get by this far,

but you're holding yourself back

by not learning to read.

I read fine.

Don't be embarrassed to admit it.

Look, there are people who can help you.

Thanks, but I can take care of myself.

[water splashing]

[kids shouting]

Are you trying to burn me to a crisp?

And I'm getting hot, peon.

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to adjust

your tanning reflector.

Go refill our drinks, drudge.

I only work for Jessica.

Go refill our drinks, drudge.

Uh, okay.

Okay, Jess, he's gone, now go jump in the pool

and start drowning.

Oh yeah, sorry.

Help, help!

Save me!

Uh, Winston, I'm drowning, hello.

Here, use these.

Get away from me, kid.

Help! Help! Save me! Winston!

I'll save her!

Hurry up!

I'm coming!

Hurry!

I've got you!

Don't worry, you'll be fine!

Go away!

Hey, what's up?

Save me, Winston!

Hold on, I'm coming!

I'm drowning, I can't stand much longer!

Should've known.

You saved me a second time!

I'm yours forever.

Did you hear him?

We're gonna be together forever.

Good plan, Lila.

Relax, I'm gonna get you out of this.

It's time for plan B.

What?

We get Bruce to mail in a copy of the "rescue"

to Current Expose, they play it, and Winston sees it,

and knows that you never really even saved him,

and he finally leaves you alone.

I don't wanna let my fans down.

You won't if you handle it right.

What's the most important thing about being on TV?

Well, looking cute of course.

Then what are you worried about?

We make sure your dress and your hair are perfect.

That's all anybody cares about.

Everybody, I have an important announcement.

♪ Bruce sells burgers that'll make you sick ♪

♪ And serves them on dishes that are slimy and slick ♪

♪ Moon Beach, Moon Beach ♪

♪ Managed by Bruce Patman ♪

You know, I don't feel so good.

Me either.

Well, Bruce.

That's it, Jessica.

I'm sending the video tape in to Current Expose.

David told me you totally freaked out on him.

What's going on?

There's something you should know about him.

He can't read.

Look, Liz, David told me all about it,

it's a complete misunderstanding.

Enid, I know you really like him.

Think about it, he gets other people to do his homework.

We did it together!

He orders whatever you're having,

'cause he can't read the menu,

and he stood you up because he couldn't read your note.

His whole life is a cover-up.

David, don't mix those!

David!

[everybody shouts]

Is everyone okay?

David, are you all right?

Liz, thanks, I don't know how it happened.

There's a list of dangerous chemicals you can't mix.

Yeah, but I didn't know which--

You didn't know because you couldn't read it!

Jessica Wakefield on Current Expose, coming right up.

Hey Jess, I got your page.

What's up?

You just sit right here, and enjoy the show.

And now presenting, Current Expose.

[group cheers]

On today's top story, Jessica Wakefield,

the brave rescuer, who won the nation's heart--

Got that right.

Has ground that heart into hamburger.

An anonymous tipster, no doubt a seedy,

semi-criminal fink himself.

Hey!

Gave us this footage.

As you can see, Jessica pushed the choking victim from her,

in evident disgust.

It was sheer coincidence that he hit the counter,

stomach first.

To discuss the incident in person,

we've gone to the home of Jessica Wakefield.

[crowd cheers]

Jessica, how do you account for your shameless attempt

to gain renown from the unfortunate accident of a peer?

I blame society, Jed.

I was brainwashed by these evil glamorous women,

from Dynasty to Melrose Place,

to the short-lived Models Inc.

So really, you're a victim?

Yes. Sad isn't it?

If you had to assign blame to anyone,

who would it be?

Bruce Patman.

What?

Bruce is the man who installed a security camera

in our place of business,

which triggered my desire to be on television.

I understand you have a picture of this hoodlum.

[sighs] Yes, I do.

[crowd laughs and jokes]

So others will know to be aware.

Well, thank you for being here, Jessica.

And for setting the record straight.

It was my pleasure, Jed.

And I just hope that America can find it in their hearts

to forgive this poor,

stunningly attractive young girl.

[crowd cheers]

Okay, show's over.

Buy some food or leave.

You're the nation's most glamorous villain.

You're my role model.

[Jessica laughs]

You were on TV.

I told you, the only bad publicity is no publicity.

You're right.

Jess, can I have your autograph?

Of course, anything for a fan.

Thanks.

I can't believe you used me like that.

I mean you didn't even save my life.

Shameless, aren't I?

I just have to ask you one thing.

Look, I understand if you wanna resign as my servant.

Can you take off your shoes?

It's time for your pedicure.

-[knocking on door] -I'll get it.

-Hey. -Hey, guys.

Look, I wanna apologize for what happened this afternoon.

I feel really bad.

We know. It's okay.

No, it's not.

Liz, you were right earlier,

when you said I couldn't read.

I can't, and I guess I was just too ashamed

that any of you know.

How did you get by for so long without being able to read?

As long as I was good at basketball,

my coaches always made sure I got promoted to the next grade.

Well, I'm glad you're facing up to it.

I realized today that I'm not just hurting myself,

but my friends, too.

I think you need to get some help.

You're right, I should.

It's about time.

[everyone laughs]

[upbeat music]

♪ Look right down any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see there's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or her reflection ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪♪♪