02x12 - Mixed Doubles

[bunniefuu]

♪ Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh ♪

♪ Look right down any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see there's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or a reflection? ♪

♪ One always calls out to you ♪

♪ The other's shy and quiet ♪

♪ Could there be two different girls ♪

♪ Who look the same at ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪

In , with the first

mobile irrigation system in the west,

Sweet Valley took its place

in the pantheon of modern metropolis.

I never knew so much about Sweet Valley's history.

-I'm fascinated. -You're fascinated?

Wait, did I say I'm fascinated?

What I meant to say was I'm dying a slow, painful death,

but at least we're missing the geometry quiz.

I now turn you over to a living legacy, Bruce Patman,

who we should all thank for mounting this wonderful exhibit.

[applause]

Oh, by the way, there'll be a makeup geometry quiz

tomorrow during lunch.

-Awe, no. -Come on.

My great-great-grandfather, Bruno Patman,

settled Sweet Valley with honesty,

courage, and hard work.

It was men like him who founded a new world.

And what were the women doing

when the men were out founding?

You know, women stuff, sewing, cooking,

cleaning out cow stalls.

So women had nothing to do with

the history of Sweet Valley?

Come on, how would women settle the Wild West?

By baking pies?

Just look at the exhibit, Liz.

You can't argue with history.

Hey, where do you want this stuff?

I wouldn't bother with that.

It's all junk.

Then you won't mind if I look through this?

By all means, be my guest.

Maybe you'll find some nice recipes.

[laughing]

Diary of Miss Lizzie.

I wonder why this was left out of the exhibit.

I guess they thought it was boring enough.

Or maybe there's something in here

that Bruce wanted to hide.

Reading.

Not Cosmo.

Choking.

Breathe.

You can leave if you want.

"When I was a girl, my sister, Jessamine, and I,

left home and crossed the great plains

looking for our future.

[upbeat Western-style music]

Along the journey, I suffered great hardships.

I lost my sister to a pack of wild outlaws.

But I also experienced great joy.

I lost pounds, and fit into my old corset.

My journey ended at a place I thought was paradise,

Sweet Valley Gorge.

[upbeat music]

Manuelo, I'm in the mood for something blue.

[upbeat music]

Can't you play something else?

Anything else?

For you, babe, I'd crawl through a buffalo pasture.

How about something with a little Samba b*at?

[upbeat music]

What?

No tip?

[Girl] Why, what a beautiful necklace you have on.

-Why, thank you. -Here's the usual, girls.

-Thank you. -[Liz reading] Times were good,

and we prospered, but soon

gold was discovered in the foothills

and our peaceful town was overrun

by the dregs of the West.

[Bruno] Let's get a drink, boys.

[Liz] The worst of these men was Bruno Patman.

He was the richest of the gold prospectors,

but he had a heart of coal,

and even though he owned my establishment,

The Moon Gorge Saloon, he could never own me.

[g*nsh*t]

Everyone, hush up.

I got an important announcement to make.

From now on, Wednesday is Sloppy Joe Day.

-Yee-haw. -[cheering]

[men mumbling]

I got another important announcement.

[Man] Now, what do you think it is?

Miss Lizzie?

Me and you are getting married.

Patman, you're a vile man.

I'd sooner drink from Old Zeke's pig trough

-than marry you. -That was a pig trough?

-Uh-oh. -Missy, you're gonna be

sorry about this.

Forgetting I own the deed to this here saloon?

And I think it's come time to triple the rent,

don't you think, boys?

-Yeah, that's right, boss. -Come Friday,

you pay me all the rent or you're out on the street.

I take Visa, Mastercard,

or a personal check with two forms of ID.

Of course if you were my wife I'd only need one.

[laughter]

Let's get a move on, boys.

There's trouble to be made down the road.

-Yeah, boss. -Don't worry, Miss Lizzie.

Where am I gonna get that kinda money?

You could have a bake sale?

All right, let me at him.

Where were you, Sheriff?

Some joker parked his horse out in the loading zone.

-I had to have him towed. -What kind of sheriff is he?

♪ Git along little duckie ♪

♪ I have to know ♪

♪ Are you my friend or my foe ♪

♪ Huh, huh, huh, huh, hmm, hmm ♪

[duck squeaks]

Miss Lizzie.

Toddston, you have to talk to Bruno.

He can't take away my saloon.

It's my life.

Please, I know you're a good man.

I can tell from your kind eyes and your gentle spirit.

And from the way you look in those chaps.

I ain't wearin' any chaps.

Oh, really?

I didn't notice.

Look, I can't do nothin', Miss Lizzie.

You know how things run 'round here.

I'm just a hired g*n.

Bruno Patman run this town,

and he always will.

Oh, Miss Lizzie, before you go,

-can I ask you something? -Yes, anything.

Can you pass me my loofah?

Toddston, you're as yellow as that rubber ducky

you've gotten hidden under them bubbles.

I asked for a loofah?

Dang, am I yellow.

And my fingers are startin' to get all pruney.

[sheep bleats]

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I've been through some serious troubles,

but I swear,

nothin' as bad as this.

Honey, it's nothin' a hot oil treatment can't fix.

I'm talkin' about Bruno Patman

taking away the saloon.

I'll never come up with that money.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I have just the person for you to call.

Jose Eber?

That's for your hair, and this is

to get rid of Bruno Patman.

"Loco Jessie, marshal for hire."

Loco Jessie's the meanest, toughest,

most brutal lawman there is.

He even runs with scissors.

I don't think we should do this.

Miss Lizzie, we have no choice.

Besides, his rates are surprisingly reasonable.

[organ music]

But Loco Jessie's in Dodge City.

How can we get to him in time?

Since it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight,

we'll have to Pony Express it.

Pony Express, ma'am.

Sign right here.

Oh, I can't wait for Loco Jessie

to totally humiliate Bruno Patman.

I thought you weren't interested.

I'm not.

Then I guess I'll just go finish reading upstairs.

No, stay down here.

I mean, you'd look pretty stupid

reading out loud in an empty room.

"After that, things in the Gorge

went from the frying pan to the fire,

from mud to quicksand,

from the outhouse to the--

Well, let's just say

things got a whole lot worse.

-[glasses shattering] -What's going on?

[woman screaming]

[dramatic music]

Sheriff, I want to word with you.

-[g*nsh*t] -Move those feet.

[g*nshots]

Dance for me, law boy.

[laughter]

Not like that.

Come on, Vogue.

Let your body move to the music.

-Look at him. -That's enough.

This is still my saloon, and I want you outta here.

And who's gonna make me?

[gasping]

[suspenseful music]

[g*nshots]

-Hubba. -Hubba.

[g*nshots]

Bubba.

Loco Jessie at your service.

"Then I nearly fainted.

Standing before me was my flesh and blood

twin sister, Jessamine,

who I hadn't seen since she ran away

to live with the outlaws years before."

Twins, no way.

Do you mind?

"She was a woman whose beauty could make a mute coyote howl."

Let me read now.

This I can relate to.

"Not only was she beautiful,

but there was a fire inside her

like a poisonous desert flower.

Loco Jessie looked Bruno square in the eyes

like no one had in years.

She growled."

Now I'm the law in these parts,

and while I'm here, I suggest you start

respecting the ladies of the Gorge.

I believe we already have a sheriff in this town.

Do you solemnly swear to uphold the laws

and the constitution of Sweet Valley Gorge?

I do.

Later.

[fingers snapping]

[dramatic music]

You ain't so tough now.

I'm not leaving 'til you give my sister

the deed to this saloon.

Oh, yeah, well, we got a little

game we play around here to settle these matters.

[Girl] The game?

-Not the game. -Not the game.

-What game? -You win, I'll give you

the saloon free and clear.

You lose, I get Miss Lizzie.

What's the matter, Loco? Yellow?

[dramatic music]

Four in a row, I win.

Where? I can't see?

Here, diagonally.

[Girl] Diagonally, wow.

Pretty sneaky, Jess.

[Jess] The deed's mine now.

You mighta won this round, miss Lady Marshal,

but I'll be back tomorrow.

High noon.

[Man] Did you see that?

-b*at the boss. -Diagonally.

[Bruno] All right, enough chitchat, let's go.

[men mumbling]

This belongs to you now.

What's the matter?

You finally own the saloon free and clear.

Why ain't you happy?

Bruno said he's coming back,

and coming back he is.

Bruno Patman would be back, and I had to do something.

Loco Jessie didn't have much time

to take this bunch of sissy showgirls

and turn 'em into a group of the meanest,

toughest, bestest accessorized law-persons

the West had ever seen.

[upbeat Western-style music]

Whoo, whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh!

This is so scary.

Do you really think they're gonna be able to b*at Bruno?

Only one way to find out.

What are you doing?

Duh, reading the last page.

[sighs]

"The day of the showdown,

wind whistled through the empty streets

like God's frightened breath.

-There wasn't a soul who-- -Blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah.

And the showdown begins.

[dramatic music]

[Bruno] Yoo-hoo, we're over here.

Loco, look.

[dramatic music]

[suspenseful music]

[upbeat organ music]

Manuelo!

[suspenseful music]

-p*stol. -Makeup.

Bye.

Hey, Loco.

[g*nsh*t]

[gasping]

Change.

Impressive.

But what's this?

What are you talkin' about?

This.

- paces. - paces.

[Bruno] One, two, three, four, five, si--

[phone rings]

Tony?

Hey, how are you?

Saturday night?

-[laughs] -You little sidewinder.

Oh, could you hang on, I have another call.

Alex?

Hey.

No, of course I'm free.

You too.

[g*nsh*t]

Gotta go.

-[sighs] -Where were we?

[Bruno] Six, seven, eight, nine, .

My mood ring got stuck in the holster.

Prepare to die.

[water dripping]

-What's this? -What?

It's a Mega Soaker, kids love 'em.

[dramatic music]

If I'm goin' to Hell, I'm gonna use my

friends fly free ticket to take her with me.

Now drop your g*n, Loco.

[Lizzie] Jessie, don't!

Ha, just what I expected.

Girls ain't got no guts.

[g*nsh*t]

Hey, Bruno.

I may have no more appendix,

but I've still got guts.

[crowd cheering]

-Let her go, Bruno. -You trick girls,

but you're no match for Toddston.

-Toddston? -Huh, why now?

[Lizzie] Kid, stop.

Toddston.

No.

Please.

[Bruno] What the?

I shoulda done this a long time ago.

Thanks.

And this is for you.

[Bruno] No, not that.

Please have mercy, no, Loco, please, no.

Don't, oh, oh.

[slapping sounds]

Oh, no, oh.

From now on, Miss Lizzie runs things around here.

And you're gonna treat her with respect.

Are we clear?

Crystal.

Good.

And no crossies.

I'm sorry it took me so long to help.

But I love ya, Lizzie,

and I want you to be my wife.

I thought you'd never ask.

That is the sweetest story I've ever heard.

Actually, that part about that dweeb Toddston

was kind of annoying.

So what happened to the rest of them?

This is the best beef jerky south of the Rockies.

Well, if you'll stay here at the Gorge,

you can have it every day.

Love to, sis, but my work here is done.

I'm like the tumbleweed.

I roll where the wind takes me.

I have to go someplace where

people need justice,

where children are afraid to go to sleep at night,

where--

Where they have a StairMaster.

I can feel this going straight to my thighs.

I understand.

Here's your new sheriff.

You know what to do if you ever need me.

Whistle?

No, call my agent, I'm off.

[Girl] Bye, Loco, don't forget to write.

[Jessie] Giddy-up.

Outta my way, geeks.

-Bye, Jessie. -Git along, Loco.

Crossing guard coming through.

Crossing guard?

There ain't no kids in this town.

Not kids, I'm a chicken crossing guard.

I'm glad you found a job

that fully utilizes your unique abilities.

Ma'am, you know why the chickens cross the road?

-Why? -Because Sheriff Eggbert

makes it safe for 'em.

[laughing]

Miss Lizzie!

I finished cleaning out the cow stalls.

Can I please take a rest now?

Patman, get your grimy rear end back shoveling.

I think he can take a little break

to watch the floor show, don't you?

[laughing]

Manuelo, strike up something snappy.

I want to see some dancers.

[cheering]

"You know, I didn't see much of Jessie after that,

but I always felt better at night

knowing that I had a sister somewhere on the prairie,

watching out for me and my friends.

[cheering]

Look, a picture of Jessie and Miss Lizzie.

The McWakefield Twins.

As I was saying, my ancestors,

the founding fathers of Sweet Valley,

were big into cattle.

Well, you can't argue with history.

[Western music]

[upbeat music]

♪ Look right down any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see there's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or a reflection? ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪