02x19 - Identical Opposites

[bunniefuu]

[Winston] Next on Sweet Valley High.

Jessica.

Come on, it's tradition that the head cheerleader

plays a prank on the rival school.

We're gonna steal their mascot.

I'm in charge this weekend and my instructions

were to stay out of trouble.

-[pig squealing] -Oh, get him, oh!

[up-tempo music]

Give us Wilber.

Give us Winston.

Todd, watch out!

-[Todd] Sorry, that was close. -Todd Wilkins?

Mr. Hagen.

Great, what are we gonna do now?

I was just defending our school's honor.

My reputation's ruined.

[up-tempo music]

♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪

♪ Look right down any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see there's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or a reflection? ♪

♪ One always calls out to you ♪

♪ The other's shy and quiet ♪

♪ Could there be two different girls ♪

♪ Who look the same? ♪

♪ At Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪

[hip-hop music]

[students talking]

[Waitress] Follow me, I have a booth for you

right over here.

[Girl] Thank you.

Wow I've never seen it so crowded in here.

Here's your lunch, Liz.

Would you like some ketchup with that?

Thanks.

Hey, I haven't had time to eat.

It's always so busy on alumni weekend.

Yeah, try being in charge of it all.

Hey, by the way, you picked up that Sweet Valley High

gladiator costume for the half-time show yet?

You bet.

It's my first time as a gladiator.

Well, other than the time that I was an American Gladiator

for Halloween, but you know, that doesn't really count.

Who were you, Twinkles?

You've been practicing really hard

leading the band, haven't you?

Mm-hmm, got so good at it,

they followed me home last night.

[laughing]

Hey, Liz, how does this sign look?

"Sweet Valley Big Mesa Football Gam"?

What is a football gam?

You're both fired.

But we're volunteers!

Todd, you're overreacting.

Enid, can you guys just fix it

and take it over to the school?

Aye-aye, captain.

[Liz] Thanks.

Liz, you really need to check all those banners okay?

Don't worry, the banners will be ready and up

by the end of the day as instructed boss.

Good, 'cause I don't want any mistakes

when Mr. Hagen gets here.

You're a shoe-in for the summer job at ESPN.

How could he not hire you?

How?

If I screw up the alumni weekend, that's how.

[Jessica] Coming through.

Chew with your mouth closed please.

[Jessica] I can't believe it's so crowded.

A -minute wait for this food?

I don't think so.

You don't mind sharing, do you, Liz?

Um.

Jessica, you better make sure that all the cheerleaders

are ready for Saturday's game, okay?

They will be.

I booked my entire squad for root touch-ups.

I mean the cheers.

Oh please, no one ever listens to the cheers.

It's all about hair.

Oh.

[Liz] What are Rex and Ginger doing here?

Nice prank, Wakefield.

You better not show your face at Big Mesa again.

Wow, Rex, when did you learn to speak in whole sentences?

Right after he stopped dating Lila.

Well he can't be too smart, Ginger, he's still dating you.

Come on.

It's so sad when good guys happen to bad cheerleaders.

Jess, what did you do?

Nothing.

But I'm told our Sweet Valley High fight song

played over the PA system at Big Mesa this morning.

Jessica!

Come on, it's tradition that the head cheerleader

plays a prank on the rival school.

No it's not.

The tradition ended years ago

because it caused so many problems.

Well, like all things fashionable, it's back.

Hey, I'm in charge this weekend and my instructions

were to stay out of trouble.

Ah, it's so cute when you think I listen to you.

Come on, Lila.

Does she ever follow instructions?

Only if they're on conditioner bottles.

Oh, I'm b*at.

Alumni weekend is just too much work.

Can you find the remote for me?

I can't move.

Hmmm, let's see, Liz is head of the decorating committee,

Todd's organizing the half-time show

and Winston's leading the band.

You're right, I didn't realize how overworked you are.

Somebody has to keep up school spirit around here.

And that would be you?

Naturally, that's why I played the prank on Big Mesa.

Rex and Ginger were so bent out of shape.

Yeah.

Did I detect a twinge of jealousy between you and Ginger?

Me, jealous of Crocodile Dundee?

I don't think so.

I've been over Rex for months, you know that.

Because remember, for this weekend, Rex is the enemy.

You can't afford to have any left over feelings, right?

Right.

I can't stand black and white movies.

You can never tell what color lipstick they're wearing.

No, wait this is Casablanca.

Rex and I saw this five times.

It's one of our favorite movies.

Was one of our favorite movies.

But that was, you know, months ago

back when we were, you know, dating.

But that's all in the past because I'm over him now.

I'm over him.

Oh my God.

What happened?

This new school janitor is not working out.

[students talking]

Look at this.

Look what you've done.

-Me? -Yes you.

Our decorations are ruined because of your prank.

[Student] We spent all night on these banners.

I can't believe Big Mesa did this.

Start believing it, because they did.

Don't worry, Liz.

I can take care of this.

You can start by helping us clean up.

Real swift, Jessica.

I didn't know this would happen.

This means w*r.

Yeah, let's hide their checkbooks.

No, we're gonna steal their mascot.

Ah, a page from the classic.

Simple yet diabolical.

Meet me at the Big Mesa football field at midnight.

We'll teach them a lesson.

Got it!

By the way, what is their mascot?

[pig squealing]

Tell me it's not a pig.

Yes, time to bring home the bacon.

Come with us, swine.

Please?

His name is Wilbur and he's not gonna just

walk back to the Jeep and get in.

We have to carry him.

Are you kidding?

I won't even touch a ham sandwich.

Will you just get in?

Close the gate so he won't escape.

I can't believe this, I'm actually in a pig pen.

Life can be so cruel.

All right, try and get him to come to you.

Me?

I can't, I'm carrying a pig skin purse.

I don't wanna offend him.

Nice try.

All right, why don't you just pretend

like you have some food or something?

Here, piggy, piggy, piggy.

I've got some fresh salmon mousse for you.

Fat free!

[pig oinking]

Why don't we try another approach?

Okay, Wilbur, we can do this two ways,

the easy way or the hard way.

It's up to you.

-[pig squealing] -[gasping]

Get him, Jessica.

[banjo music]

Get him!

[pig squealing]

[gasping]

It's too heavy.

[pig squealing]

[banjo music]

[screaming]

[shouting]

Grab him!

That's my purse.

[pig squealing]

Oh, ow!

[banjo music]

[gasping]

How am I gonna get all this mud out of my hair?

Double shampoo and triple conditioner.

But I wouldn't bother.

Why?

That's not mud.

[both crying]

I can't stand having that pig at my house another minute.

He stinks no matter how much Giorgio I spray on him.

Well, I couldn't let him stay at my house.

It's the first place those g*ons from Big Mesa

would come looking.

I don't care what it takes, I want him out.

Shhh.

I will not shush I have Cujo pig running loose

at Fowler manor.

-Lila. -He dug up the grass,

he ate the flowers

and this morning I caught him swimming the backstroke

in my daddy's Jacuzzi.

I have good news.

Oh?

Yes, I was just so upset that those morons

ruined all your hard work at school,

that I decided to teach them a lesson.

So get this I --

Stole their mascot.

I wanted it to be a surprise.

Ah!

[Liz] Ginger told us.

I wish I could see the look on her face.

Was she furious?

Jess, they stole our mascot for revenge.

We don't have a mascot.

Yeah we just have that stupid gladiator costume that...

Winston.

-Winston. -Winston.

Yeah, they kidnapped him this morning.

Then we all have good news.

This isn't funny Jess.

[Lila] What's the big deal?

Yeah, just get some other dork to be the gladiator.

Winston is supposed to lead the band at half-time

and he's the only one that can do it.

And now, thanks to you, I'm gonna look like an idiot

in front of Mr Hagen.

I was just defending our school's honor.

Guys, stop it.

Think about poor Winston.

Who knows what he's going through right now?

We're not letting you go until you tell us

where our mascot is.

Oh, quit staring at me.

I'm not staring.

I blinked about minutes ago.

Oh, yuck!

If I had a nickel for every time I had this dream,

You make me sick.

I thought we were supposed to t*rture him,

not the other way around.

Um, would you mind moving to the left a little bit please?

I don't have a full view of the locker room.

Silence, dweeb.

You've given your last performance.

[muffled mumbling]

[rock music]

"Meet us a noon in the Big Mesa parking lot with Wilbur

or you'll never seen Winston again."

But I don't ever want to see Winston again.

[laughing]

Jessica!

I think we all need to stop and ask ourselves,

what have we really lost?

Don't you get it?

He's the only one that's rehearsed with the band.

No one else can lead them.

We have to have Winston.

And what a sad statement that is about our own lives.

Look, I organized this entire half-time show around him

and if it stinks, I'll look bad

and Mr Hagen won't give me a summer job.

Well, if you wanna give in over a minor thing like Winston

be my guest.

The stupid pig's at Lila's.

You can pick it up on your way.

Oh no, you're coming with us.

You got us into this and you're getting us out.

Stop looking at me like that.

You're going home.

Come on, Wilbur, this way.

You're so stubborn!

[pink oinking]

Whatever.

Give us Wilbur.

Give us Winston.

As soon as you give us our pig, we'll give you yours.

Here, funny how people and their pets

look so much alike.

[gasping]

What did you just say?

Oh, didn't you understand me?

Am I not speaking slowly enough for you, Rex?

Jess, what are you doing?

Understand this, you won't be seeing Winston

until after the big game.

Wait, where is he?

Wouldn't you like to know.

But we gave you back the pig.

And we'll give Winston back

if Jessica sings the Big Mesa fight song at the game.

Oh, right, the day I sing your fight song

will be the day you pass the fourth grade.

Then good luck with your half-time show.

I'm sure it will be a smash.

[laughing]

You're singing that song

if I have to drag you out there myself

and choke it out of you.

It's gonna take more than you or Veronica and Jughead

to make me go out there.

I'm not doing it!

Great, what are we gonna do now?

What can we do?

Perhaps what we need here is the Fowler touch.

We shouldn't be doing this.

It's all wrong.

What's wrong is that we're not longer together.

Please, Rex, give us Winston back,

he means nothing to you.

Of course, he means nothing to me, either

but my school needs him.

Then take me back and you can have anything.

What about... Ginger?

Ginger's a good kid, she'll bounce back.

It's no use.

Sadly we come from two different worlds.

You say, "Football," I say, "Footwear."

You go for touchdowns, I go for touch-ups.

But I --

Oh, Rex, you may think that the problems of two people

don't amount to hill of decaffeinated espresso beans

in this crazy, mixed up world,

but I just can't.

I understand, my darling.

Surely there's something you can do,

for old time's sake.

What am I gonna do now?

Maybe you can have the band play a song, but not march.

That would be lame.

No it won't.

The decorations look great and the post-game party

will be terrific.

Mr. Hagen will still be impressed.

Forget it, Liz.

You know everybody's gonna be watching the half-time show

and when it bombs, I'm gonna be history.

Excuse me.

I've got news.

You found out where they're keeping Winston?

Yes but I had to break a heart to do it.

He's in the Big Mesa girls' locker room.

The girls' locker room?

Yes and my sources tell me that it's the girls

who need rescuing.

Can we get him out?

Not likely.

Rex is guarding the door.

Great.

[sighing] I have an idea.

But I'll need your help, Todd.

Anything, I'll do whatever it takes.

This is not what I had in mind.

Quit complaining, at least you're not in heels.

Besides, you just have to be a girl.

I get stuck being Jessica.

Excuse me.

Ginger?

I need to talk to you.

Back to try another lame prank Jessica?

No, I'm here to say I'm sorry about what I did.

It's too late for apologies.

I know, that's why I've decided to give in

and sing your fight song at the start of the game.

Really?

We could use a good laugh.

I just need to warm up first.

Fine, and another thing, it's a duet with Wilbur.

[laughing]

Let's take Jessica out to the field.

This is gonna be great.

[Cheerleader] Yeah, I know.

[all giggling]

Hey, Blondie.

b*at it.

Whoa, lay off the cigarettes, babe.

[students chattering]

♪ Ah ha ha ha ♪

[muffled shouting]

Thank you.

My, what a big girl you are, just my type.

You want that bag back on your head?

I'm trying to untie you.

Why?

I'm in no rush.

Don't I know you from someplace?

Yes, I'm your best friend.

Hey, I know I'm cute but aren't we just going

a little bit fast here?

It's me, you idiot.

Todd, Todd?

Shh!

Not so loud.

Wait when did you start cheering for Big Mesa?

I'm trying to get you out of here.

I don't wanna go.

Remember you have a half-time show to do?

Let me tell you something, buddy, the show is in here.

I'll just take these.

What are you gonna do with those?

I'm taking them with me, for memories.

Wait, you can't go out there like that.

Oh yeah, you should talk.

Your mascara's running.

Here, put this on.

What are you kidding?

-With these hips? -Do it.

But --

♪ Do re me la ha ♪

Oh enough already, Jessica, let's go to the field.

I just need another minute of practice, okay?

I'm almost done.

-♪ La ha so la ti dah ♪ -Come on already.

[Cheerleader] She's stalling.

♪ Do re me fa so ♪

Excuse me.

Excuse me too.

Hey, you're new at school, aren't ya?

I've always had a thing for redheads.

Thank you.

What do you say you and me go up to Miller's Point

after the game?

No, no, can't do that.

Sure you can.

Don't be shy.

Come on, Winnie, we mustn't be late.

Just run on, baby.

Leave her here with me.

Hey!

No means no.

Hey!

What did I just tell you?

Whoa!

[girls screaming]

[Girl] Get him out!

[Rex] Wait, girls, I can explain.

[girls shouting]

[Todd] Come on, let's get Liz.

You look great, Mr. Hagen.

I'm just gonna set up the picture.

Okay, just a little bit to the left there.

Okay...

Smile.

[camera clicks]

[Winston] Todd, watch out!

-Sorry, that was close. -Sorry.

Wilkins?

Mr. Hagen.

Come on, Todd, we gotta go.

Todd Wilkins?

I got a great half-time show for you.

I think I've seen enough.

Well, you'll let me know about the summer job, right?

I'm in the book.

It's okay, Todd.

I can always get you a job at the Moon Beach.

[Photographer] Smile.

[camera clicks]

And they tortured me.

And I bet there was even a price on my head.

Yeah, it said, "Floor sample."

Well, the important thing is,

the cheerleaders looked great.

The alumni were impressed and somehow all the Big Mesa cars

got Sweet Valley High bumper stickers.

-What? -What?

Jessica, haven't you learned anything?

Yeah, everything worked out just fine.

Everything did not work out fine.

Our decorations were trashed.

And there was a pig running loose at Fowler Manor

during high tea.

And I was kidnapped and tied up in a girls' locker room.

God bless you, Jessica.

I wore a skirt.

Todd, you're speaking again.

It's okay, Todd, not that many people saw you.

Hey, how'd you guys know to find me

in the girls' locker room anyway?

Let's just say I have friends in high places.

Muscular, gorgeous, studly friends.

Good afternoon.

Hi, Ginger. Miss me?

What are you doing here?

I just stopped by to deliver a copy of today's paper

to you personally.

That's okay, we won.

-, right?

Oh, there's another score that's settled in here.

-[Liz] Oh, no. -Call me!

It's Todd Winston.

Oops.

Oops what?

Give me that.

"The ever beautiful Lila Fowler and Jessica Wakefield?"

What?

That's not me.

My reputation's ruined.

[Jessica] So's mine!

I wore a skirt.

[up-tempo music]

[up-tempo music]

♪ Look right down any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see there's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or a reflection? ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪♪