03x02 - Shred Reckoning

[bunniefuu]

[Todd]

Liz!

Liz, let's go.

Nice outfit, Todd.

Another blowout sale at the lost and found?

This is my lucky shirt, OK?

Liz!

Liz left an hour ago.

She was rambling on about some stupid interview

at the Oracle. Congressman or...

a comedian...

whatever.

What?

How could she do this to me?

-What's the big deal? -What's the big deal!

The big deal is she can't hold my hand on the way to school.

Aw... poor baby.

The first day of school is so scary.

[sighs]

OK, let me explain it so even you can understand.

You see I have certain rituals

that bring me luck for basketball season.

Driving Liz to school on the first day

while she holds my sh--

my sh**ting hand is a very crucial one and she should know this.

Well, look at the bright side.

You get to drive me to school.

Great.

But I'm not holding your hand.

That's more luck than you can handle.

Oh-- Oh--

You can own my lucky sock.

Ew!

[theme song playing]



[vocalizing]



♪ Look right down Any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see There's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or a reflection? ♪

♪ One always calls out to you ♪

♪ The other's shy and quiet ♪

♪ Could there be Two different girls ♪

♪ Who look the same at ♪

♪ Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

Hey, I heard Bruce isn't coming back this year. Is that true?

[laughs]

Yeah.

His parents sent him away

when he traded his father's rare wine collection

for a date with Anna Nicole Smith.

I heard he used his mother's Picasso for a dartboard.

And didn't he used his father's deer trophies for target practice?

-So where did they send him? -Oh, who cares?

As long as it's really far away.

Hey with Bruce gone, I bet Mr. Patman would want

you to run the Moon Beach.

-Think so? -Oh, definitely.

With all the work you do,

you might as well be the manager already.

You're right. I am and...

only now it's going to be official.

Speaking of official,

Simone, my official girlfriend, and I

had our two-week anniversary yesterday.

Whatever happened between you and Enid?

I wrote to her all summer and never heard back.

But it doesn't matter. I really like Simone.

And the cool part is, she likes me.

-Excellent! -This is gonna be a great year.

This is going be a terrible year.

We've gone through all the date-able guys

and there's no one in this new crop worth harvesting.

All this work to look our best.

-And for what? -Hey, Jess.

-Nice outfit. -[bell rings]



Ew.

Welcome back, class.

As you may have heard,

Bruce Patman will not be returning this year.

I'm sure that we all wish Private Patman

all the best at m*llitary school, in Guam.

Yes!

As sole manager of the Moon Beach,

I've had to uphold the culinary excellence

for which the Moon Beach has become known.

The excellence that is Moon Beach.

-[classroom giggling]

-[guy]

Sit down now!

-Thank you. -[classroom laughing]



I do have one more announcement.

Bruce's cousin, Reginald Patman II,

is moving to Sweet Valley and will be joining us on Thursday.

-[guy ]

Not another Patman! -[guy ]

Oh, great...

OK, let's get to work.

-Possibility. -Worth looking into.

The Patmans are visually acceptable.

And rich.

The fax's just in.

Everything we need to know about Reginald Patman II.

[Jessica]

Let me see.

He excels in snow-boarding,

bungee-jumping and driftwood art.

And he's a champion hand-glider!

Hmm. Champion hand-glider meets champion date-queen.

Perfect.

I must throw a proper reception for Reginald at Fowler Manor.

It'll be the social event of the season.

I'll call the caterers, the florist, the press

-and you can... -Show up!

So Liz, when is the big interview with congressman Courtland?

Thursday, after school.

I've got so much research to do.

[Jessica]

Oh, sounds intense.

[Todd]

Liz, flip off my cap.

-Huh? -[Todd]

Knock it off.

like you did before the big mason game

when I made the winning sh*t.

Yeah, you waved to Enid like this

and you knocked it off with your left hand--

Don't argue with him.

This morning we had to drive around

the parking lot three times...

backwards.

Are you kidding? [chuckles]

Why?

Pre-season rituals. I didn't do them in Vermont,

the season was a disaster.

So you've got to do it, please.

If I do it will you promise to start acting like a rational human being?

Sure, sure. Just do it.

[sighs]



Wilkins, I've been hearing good things about you.

For the big season, you just might have a sh*t at All-State.

[Todd]

Thanks, Coach.

See, it worked.

That's absurd. Let me knock it off.

No, only Liz can--

Whoa... oh, sh*t.

Oh, no! My lucky shoes.

[Enid]

I'll wash them for you.

[Todd]

No way. You'll wash the luck out.

[Lila]

This is Reginald's country house in the Hamptons.

And this is the Patman Castle in England.

Wow.

Hey, eat it or b*at it, ladies.

I'm not running a library here, OK?

Pretty soon you're not gonna be running anything.

Yeah. We heard Reginald's father bought the Moon Beach

so Reginald could sharpen his f*ring skills.

Reginald's ancestors kept a t*rture chamber

next to the kitchen.

So that their imprisoned ex-employees

could smell the freshly baked bread

as they starved to death.

[scared]

Huh.

-Is that really true? -No.

I just like to keep Winston in his place.

[sighs]

I wonder what Reginald's really like.

Me, too.

Lila, my dear.

I own diamond, gold and sapphire mines

but I've never seen a jewel that sparkles like you.

Go on.

[Reginald]

Let me tend to your every whim,

worship your exquisite

fashion sense

and shower you with tiaras,

air kisses, spa weekends...

Well, if you insist...

Go steady with me

and I promise that you will never have to work

another day in your life.

But I have never worked a day in my life.

[both laughing]



[Reginald]

My darling.

There you are, Jessica.

I've been searching the world for you.

Cool.

Come away with me.

Everyday will be an adventure.

I'll take you to the four corners of the earth.

And every Planet Hollywood opening in the world.

Cool.

And I'll let you date any guy you want on the side.

I won't date anyone else because...

you're all I could ever want.

Cool.

My answer is yes. Yes, yes!

Yes I will fly away with you in your F- fighter jet.

Oh, Jessica. [sniffs]



Even the sound of your name sends my heart racing.

Jessica. [sniffs]



Jessica.

-Jessica! -What?

Is Reginald Patman really taking over the Moon Beach?

Let me put it this way.

One clog salt shaker,

one sticky pork-cue,

one dust bunny under the stove

and you'll be scrubbing floors for the rest of your life.

That is if you still have a job.

Are you serious?

Dead serious.

But--but there's so much to do.

I have to scrape the menus,

paint the bathrooms, polish the register...

I'm gonna need some help getting this place

back into shape.

Busboy...

need-- needed. Right.

Or else...

[sighs]



I'm doomed.

Get up, Winston.

Reginald?

Rise, peon!

[m*llitary drums playing]



Let's see.

Acceptable.

Today, only forty lashes.

[evil laughter]



No.

[screams]

No!

All I want is a burger.

Let's see. I polished the stools,

-I waxed the cue sticks... -[cries out]



Hey... can't you see that I'm trying to clean up

in here!

I'm never gonna get this place ready in time.

Where's that new busboy?

I mean... who's gonna vacuum the parking lot?

Hey, man, do you know where I could find, um,

Winslow?

You mean Winston?

That's it! You know where I could find him?

I'm--I'm Winston.

Excellent. That makes everything much easier.

I guess, you'll have to do.

All right.

Go and clear the tables in the patio

and when you're done with that, come inside

and start polishing the napkin holders.

Wait, I have to talk to you.

- hour, no heath benefits.

Pay for your own apron.

-No way! -Look, I don't have time to talk right now.

This place needs to be perfect, understand? Perfect!

Hold time, Window.

The name's Winston. Now get to work!

And don't be late again.

What a squid!

[music playing]



[Reginald]

Hey, what's wrong?

The dude in the pool-room harsh on you too?

No, I'm just feeling a little lonely.

I just happen to know the cure for that.

Better?

[laughs]

Yeah, I think it is.

My name is Enid.

-[Enid laughs]

-Hey, my name is Reggie Patman.

-You're Reginald Patman? -[cringes]



Do me a favor, call me Shred.

Thanks again for taking time out of your busy schedule.

Well, it was my pleasure.

I've never given an interview to a high school paper before.

I must say I admire your persistence

and your preparation.

Lot of pros could take a lesson from you.

Thank you, congressman.

There's a little known fact...

-[Todd]

Liz! -...about that

toxic waste dump over at Big Mesa.

I don't want you to quote me but--

-Liz, open this on my face. -What?

Come on, spray me.

Excuse me, but I've got to catch an airplane.

-Oh, but I... -I'm sorry I have got to go.

-But-- -[Congressman]

Come on, man.

[sighs]

What is wrong with you?

Oh, you sprayed soda in my face before the Pallet High game

and I scored points. Now come on, open the can.

Are you out of your mind? I was just about to get

an exclusive from a congressman.

I'm sorry. It- it's just, I really need your help right now.

No, look. These superstitions have gotten

way out of hand.

If you're gonna make a fool out of yourself,

leave me out of it.

I can't help it if you bring me good luck.

There is no such thing as good luck.

Hey, call it what you want,

but you have a huge effect on me.

I know you always have.

-Wow. -Well...

I never miss a free-throw when you are in the stands.

Does everything revolve around basketball?

You heard what Coach said.

If I have a good season, I could make All-State.

But it wouldn't mean anything

if you weren't there to share it with me.

So will you be there, at the gym,

-at five? -What for?

My free-throw test.

[sighs]

You've got to be kidding.

Look, if I don't make my sh*ts, I'll have another bad season.

Look, this is the last thing I ask of you, I promise.

Be there for me? Please?

[Jessica sighs]

I am so nervous.

Relax, it's just a party.

Au contraire , tonight is the social event of the year.

Anybody who's anybody will be there.

[sighs]

I can see it now.

Pictures of me alongside the charming

and debonair, Reginald Patman II

will be splashed across every society column in the world.

In the world?

Oh, no. I think I'm getting a zit.

[sighs]



I can't wait to see what kind of car Reginald drives.

Ever since I switched to those Frankenstein S-double-wides,

I've been making these totally rad cutbacks.

I bet he's had the finest education money can buy.

Did you know that Captain Crunch

came over on the Mayflower?

And he had crunch berries at the first Thanksgiving?

It's true.

I read it on a box.

Oh, I bet he is a real smooth talker.

[speaking gibberish]



He'll be running his own company by the time he's .

That's it. You are fired.

[boy]

What's wrong with him?

Hey, Windsong, you want me gone?

I'm historical.

Don't need to get all hairy about it.

-Later, Enid. -[Enid]

Bye.

You know that freak?

He's not a freak. He's a really nice guy.

Oh, well, congratulations.

I'm sure you two will be very happy together.

[laughs]

Congratulations to you.

You just fired Reginald Patman.

OK, gentlemen, free throw time.

[guy]

Free throws, come on, Todd!

What's up, Coach?

All right, Wilkins. Here we go, sh*ts.

And just to make it interesting,

let's say every one you miss, the team runs a mile.

-[team]

Aw, man! -[Coach]

I gotta see you can handle pressure.

Come on, Wilkins. Let's see what you got.

[guy]

You gonna do it.

Come on, Wilkins. Before the season's over!

-[guy ]

Go for it, man. -[guy ]

You can do it!

[Coach]

Hey...

Wilkins?

Hey, wake up in there!

Wilkins!

[team]

Swish!

-All right. -Yeah.

-[guy]

Good job, Todd. -[Todd]

Thanks.

-All right. -Yeah, man!

-See you. -Later, guys.

Oh, that was excellent.

What are you doing out here?

Proving a point.

You've been out here the whole time?

Aha. How'd you do?

I didn't miss a sh*t.

You know why? Because you're good.

Not because I sprayed you with soda or flipped your cap.

I guess you're right.

So are we through with all these silly rituals?

Yeah, for good. [chuckles]



Thanks, Liz. I couldn't have done it without you.

You just did.

Good thing I wore my lucky shoelaces.

Hold this for me, babe.

Wow!

Righteous crib.

[doorbell rings]



Photographers, take your places.

[photographers clamor]



[both giggle]



Outside that door, my destiny awaits.

You mean, my destiny.

[woman]

That's Reginald.

Aloha, ladies.

-[man]

I don't believe it. -[woman laughs]



I'm here for the Reginald Patman fiesta.

And you are?

I am Reginald Patman.

I got to get a sh*t of this.

But do me a favor, call me Shred.

I'd rather call you a cap!

[woman]

Is this a joke?

[man]

Sorry.

Gnarly perfume.

Reginald, I've been looking all over for you.

Look, there's been a big mistake. A huge mistake.

Woodrow, you're in need of a major chillectomy.

I just want to apologize for today.

-See I didn't realize-- -This place has

a totally awesome view of the stars.

Sometimes, when I think about

all the billions of planets & galaxies

just hot-dogging on this master wave,

it makes everything here seem so...

micro.

Look, Reginald,

I really need my job at the Moon Beach.

Please give me another chance.

Dude, I totally forgot!

Senor Patman told me to tell you

that you're the new manager of the Moon Beach.

It's all yours, dude.

Why didn't you tell me before?

I was gonna but you looked kinda busy.

You really ought to chill out more, bro.

Come on, check it out.

Yeah, you're right. I get a little stressed sometimes.

Dude, you aren't half as bad as that psycho Betty and Lila,

I mean...

she threw me out of my own party!

It looked like a totally bogus shindig anyways, I mean...

they didn't even have nachos.

I hope you don't regret coming here, Reginald.

No time for regrets, bro.

I just go wherever the big wave takes me.

And do me a favor, call me Shred.

I think you're gonna like it here, Shred.

I know it seems like we're all a bunch of wackos, but...

most of the time, we're all pretty normal.

[tires screech]



[closing theme song playing]



♪ Look right down Any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see There's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or a reflection? ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪