03x04 - The Man of My Screams

[bunniefuu]

[Liz]

I'll be right there, Todd.

[sighs]

Thanks for waiting for me.

Jessica fell asleep with her mud mask on.

We spent all morning chiseling it off.

Oh, really?

That's nothing. Last week, her , -watt blow dryer

caused a blackout in half the neighborhood.

Ten thousand watts?

She had it custom-made.

We also used it to blow leaves

out of the gutters on the weekends.

[chuckling]



So, I tried to call you a couple of times last night.

How late were you at the Tribune?

Er, we were there past midnight.

Oh, so you and Peter are "we" now?

Todd, don't start this again.

I'm not trying to start anything.

I'm just happy your internship is working out so well.

Anyway, speaking of things working out so well,

I'm a finalist for team captain.

It's down to me and Scott Benson. I just hope--

OK, Peter, I'm ready.

[rustling]



What's the matter?

You...

You just called me Peter.

Todd, stop it. You're the one

who can't stop thinking about Peter, not me!

Yeah, you're right. I must have imagined it.

Come on, let's go.

[opening title music]



[vocalization]



♪ Look right down Any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see there's a beauty Standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere Or a reflection ♪

♪ One always calls out to you ♪

♪ The other's shy and quiet ♪

♪ Could there be Two different girls who ♪

♪ Look the same at ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Go, go, Power Rangers ♪

Whoa!

Whoa!... Whoa!

Hey, watch it!

Get off me, you creep!

Name's Shred, babe.

-[grunts]

-[thud]



Whoa! Mighty body slam.

You ever think about hitting the pro wrestling circuit?

You ever think about hitting the showers?

[scoffs]



I see you and Shard are getting close.

[sighs]

Do you have any clothes I could borrow?

I have to burn these right away.

Come on, Jess, admit it.

I see the way you two look at each other.

It's tres romantique.

Yuck! Lila, he smells like a Macquarie.

You OK?

Dude, that is one harsh Wilma.

I mean, what did I ever do to her?

You made her want you, that's what you did.

Congratulations, pal.

No way does that violent femme dig me.

I mean, she just body-warmed me.

Eh... that's how she treats all her men.

Her last boyfriend still walks with a limp.

Females are, like, majorly confusing.

Well, just remember there's one simple formula.

The nastier she is, the more she likes you.

Bogus, I'm so, like, gone today.

Hey! Will you be dining alone, sir,

or will the lovely Liz be joining you?

What do you think?

Oh, something wrong between you two?

Yeah, I'd say so. It's called Peter.

That guy from the Tribune?

[sighs]

It's all she ever talks about.

What's going on, gents?

Todd thinks Liz likes some other guy.

Impossible. Liz would never cheat on Todd the God.

Oh, yeah?

This morning, she called me Peter by mistake.

Is that all? That means nothing.

Remember my brother, Halston, the valedictorian of his class,

he went on to Princeton? Well, ever since he left,

my mom calls me Halston, like, I don't know, once a day.

What?

Is that supposed to cheer me up? Cause it's not.

Look, I'll tell you what.

Manny and I will do a little

undercover work for you,

find out the scoop on this news guy.

How?

I'm afraid that's top secret.

If we tell you, we'll have to k*ll you.

OK, but if Liz finds out--

Never fear! This is Halston, Winston...

-[chuckles]

-...you're talking to.

OK. Good luck, men.

What are we gonna do?

Our first task is to give this mission

a secret code name.

How about "Operation Spy On Liz"?

Brilliant!

[slurping]



Mmm.

Choiceville's...

That was the most bodacious bowl of Crispy Critters

you will ever serve.

Oh, Reggie. You know I love to serve you!

I know.

Let's say we mash a little before I hit the waves.

[screaming]



[sighs]



[doorbell rings]



[sighs]



I got here as fast as I could.

Oh, Lila, it was horrible.

He actually kissed me.

I felt his webbed hands touching my face.

Calm down. According to this book,

spicy dreams about freakazoids like Reggie Patman

-are meaningless. -Are you sure?

You have nothing to worry about.

[sighs]

What a relief!

I was scared I had some kind of twisted attraction

to that, that sea urchin.

Unless...

Unless?

Unless you keep having the...

same dream.

[screams]



Oh, no!

Enid, there you are!

I need to ask you something. It's kinda important.

Yes, I'd love to.

I mean, I'd love to hear your question.

Well, I was hoping maybe we could get together

after school on Friday.

Sure, Friday's great.

I mean, it's good.

Well, not Good Friday, but Friday in a good way,

the day after Thursday.

All right, I'll see you Friday.

Bye. [giggles]



Winston?

Manny?

Hey.

[sighs]

What are you guys doing?

Are you sure you weren't followed?

Knock it off.

What did you guys find out about Liz?

Good news, Todd.

Exhibit A.

Suspect and Liz at the Sweet Valley Tribune .

Notice how each is working hard at their own computer,

no eye contact, nothing.

Are you guys blind?

Look at the way she's leaning back

in the chair towards him.

That's the way she sits when we study together.

Todd, you're imagining things.

Yeah,Todd, there's nothing happening

between Liz and this guy.

Show him, Manny. Exhibit B.

Liz and the suspect at a coffee shop. See?

-Totally innocent. -Innocent?

Innocent? She's handing him a packet of sugar.

She might as well say, "Let me be your love sl*ve."

[mouthing]



And there.

Look at the way she's smiling at him.

And here, the way she's touching her face,

No, I think she's wiping off some mustard.

I knew it. It all fits.

Todd, you got it all wrong.

We were there, we saw it all.

No, he means we saw nothing. Nothing at all.

This is worse than I thought.

Should we go after him?

Na, we're off the clock. Cheese burger?

Charge it to the client.

How about instead of saying guess,

we use the word "speculate".

That's good.

Todd, what are you doing here?

We need to talk.

In private?

Oh. Oh, I get it.

You want me to leave?

Very good, brainchild.

Todd, we're under a deadline here.

Can this wait?

Look, I'm not gonna stand around

while you cheat on me with Peter.

[sighs]

Not this again.

Todd, for the th time,

I work with Peter.

You call this work?

You've been spying on me?

I had to.

You're never with me,

you're always here, I mean,

what am I supposed to think?

That this internship means a lot to me.

If you weren't so self-centered,

you'd understand that.

You don't care about me. All you care about is

your stupid sports and your stupid jealousy.

I don't know how we stayed together so long.

Every night this week, Lila,

that stringy-haired swamp thing has invaded my dreams.

And he won't leave!

Sometimes, we're under a waterfall,

sometimes we're in a trailer park,

one thing's always the same.

I always [gags]



kiss him.

[groans]

And I slept so well last night.

It's not funny.

You should hear the pet names he calls me.

Blonde nectar... [unclear]



I don't know what they mean, but I hate them.

Are those bags that I see?

You! Out of my way.

Gladly, Cruella.

[sighs]

Listen, you.

You're making my life a living hell.

Say it, don't spray it, blondie.

I'm serious, you little weasel.

[groans]



Babes, go figure.

Whoa, Windex.

That evil twin has been, like,

high-stepping on my karma all week,

You know, she must really like you.

Come to think of it, the other day,

I heard her say she's looking for a man

she's really willing to get serious about.

Serious?

Oh, no, she used that word just now!

So lucky, Reg.

Most people look their whole life

for that special someone

who wants to settle down, you know?

Buy a house, raise a big family,

I'm so proud.

Negatory, Windude.

I can't do any of that

until I've toured the world,

as Pearl Jam's primo roadie.

Well, I think you'd better hurry up,

because Jessica Wakefield doesn't take no for an answer.

See ya.

-Can we talk? -What about?

More surveillance photos of me at the copy machine?

Look, Liz. I'm sorry

about what happened the other night.

I mean, let me make it up to you.

-I don't know. -Oh, come on.

I wanna start doing things that you like to do, like,

reading, and stuff.

-Really? -I mean it.

-Well-- -Great!

So, what are you doing tonight?

I'm going to a lecture on Ethics

and Investigative Reporting.

Perfect. I love Ethics.

OK. Sure.

Eight o'clock at the Community Center.

I'll be there.

I just hope it ends before the Laker game.

[Jessica]

There's no escape.

I close my eyes, he's there.

I open my eyes, he's there!

The dream book says the only way to make these nightmares go away

is to face them head on.

Meaning what?

Meaning you're gonna have to kiss the skankboy.

For real.

Here's your dream lover now.

[girls chatting]



Hey, are you gonna finish that?

It's all yours.

Mmm.

Tasty garnish.

Shred is so sexy.

I've got to get his number.

[girls giggling]



[girls]

Argh!

Hey, look, I'm Shredula, surf vampire.

[girls laughing]



[girls]

Ew!

Forget it, Lila. I'm never kissing that.

[Lila]

Do you wanna watch the Reggie

horror picture show every night?

You're going to have to break the cycle somehow.

I'll break the cycle all right.

But not your way.

[Lila]

What are you gonna do?

Simple.

Stay awake until it breaks.

[Enid singing]

♪ Friday, Friday, Friday ♪

What a great name for a day!

You should have seen the way Manny asked me out, Liz.

He was so cute. He called our date "important".

Are you sure it's a date? I thought he was dating

that girl Simone from Big Mesa.

Well, I thought so too, but as my great-uncle Angus says,

"When a boy wants to see you on Friday, it's a date."

-What's so funny? -[laughing]

You.

Last week, you were head over heels for Reggie Patman.

Now it's like he doesn't even exist.

No, I still really like Reggie.

But Manny's my soulmate.

I've known him forever.

Kind of like you and Todd.

I can't imagine choosing anyone over Manny.

[Speaker]

Which brings me to my second point,

relating to my first point.

Is this guy gonna talk all night?

No, he's about to break out his magic tricks any minute now.

Cool!

[Speaker]

--or right-- And that the definition

of right or wrong

depends on the--

Ready, Coach!

[Speaker clears throat]



[piano tunes being played]



-Liz, you hungry? -Shh!

[rustling of the wrapper]



[crunching]



[bangs the piano]



Mmm...

[footsteps approaching]



[people murmuring]



[footsteps fading]



[speaking in a foreign language]



You know, is it me, or are these guys, like,

really hard to understand?

Todd, it's a foreign film!

[breathing into the bowl]



I can't sleep.

I can't sleep.

Jess, what are you doing up so late?

I can't sleep! [sighs]



I know what you mean. I can't sleep either.

All I can think about is what I'm gonna do about Todd.

I mean, I know he's trying,

but we just don't connect anymore.

It's like we're moving in opposite directions.

I can't sleep.

And then there's Peter. We read the same books,

we like the same things, we laugh together.

I can't remember the last time I laughed with Todd.

But I feel so guilty even thinking about Peter.

I just don't know anymore.

Maybe I'm trying to hard to hold on to the past.

What do you think?

No offense, Liz,

but you're not the only one with problems around here.

And right now, my problem is you.

You're putting me to sleep, and I can't sleep!

[people chatting in the background]



-Hey, Manny. -Hey.

Wow, you look great!

-That's a really great outfit. -Thanks.

I've always liked the way you dress.

-Really? -In fact...

that's why I wanted to see you today.

-It is? -Yeah.

See, tomorrow is mine and Simone's one month anniversary,

and I wanna get her something really special.

You have such good taste, and you kinda look like her,

so I thought maybe you can help me pick something out for her?

Are you OK?

Um, I'm fine.

Really. Come on, let's go to the mall.

Thanks, Enid.

You're a real friend.

Did you know that there are parts of the world

where you can't even get the J Crew catalog?

Imagine the horror.

-Shred! -Enough already!

You're absolutely no good to me in this condition.

It's time to pucker up.

No, I can do it.

I just have to break the cycle.

What's this?

Industrial strength lip balm.

Now go to the pool room, and kiss the worm child.

This is so cruel.

Get over here, Patman.

The moment has finally arrived. [clicks tongue]



No, wait.

-You've got the wrong guy. -You got that right!

Look, woman. No means no.

I know I'm a righteous male specimen,

but you gotta be strong.

There's other... running the big wave.

Don't make this harder than it already is.

You've gotta resist me.

I'm only gonna dump you for a Baywatch babe.

Ew! Why you?

You're so repulsive.

You're so vile.

Just the sight of you makes me sick!

[kisses him]



Now, don't come within

five feet of me ever again!

[exhales]

Maybe now I can get some sleep.

Whoa!

-That is why I never date. -[chuckles]



It wasn't just the lecture or the symphony.

It's like ever since I got back from my summer in LA,

things have been different.

And no matter how much we try to make it work,

it just doesn't.

Why are you fighting so hard to hold on to this relationship?

You guys obviously have nothing in common.

It wasn't always like this.

We used to have fun together.

Now, we--

Don't you see what's happening?

You've changed.

Todd hasn't.

If I break up with him, he'll be crushed.

Hey, these things happen.

You can't be afraid to let go of the past and move on.

I guess you're right.

Thanks for being such a good listener.

So.

What now?

[slurping]



How about a little kiss, sweetie?

[kisses]



[screaming]



[closing title music]



♪ Look right down any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see there's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere Or a reflection ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪