03x07 - Surfing the Nets

[bunniefuu]

I also got the Minocqua, as well as six other colors.

But I drew the line on chartreuse.

Hunk-O-Rama at o'clock.

Hi, Dylan.

But now I have to get seven matching purses.

You wanna come?

Hello?

My cousin got the the nickname "Cue Boy" after Uncle Levi dared him

to swallow the eight-ball and it got stuck in his mouth.

Sounds like quaint Enid family tradition number .

Wanna try it?

Nah. One family member without teeth is enough.

Besides, I wouldn't be able to talk.

You're right, my life wouldn't be complete

without a daily dose of Aunt Bee and Uncle Fester.

I don't have an Uncle Fester.

You must be thinking of Uncle Lester, he was the one--

Come on, Enid, you have more relatives than a rabbit.

I don't talk about my relatives all the time.

I bet you couldn't go ten minutes without talking about them.

Come on, I'm not that bad.

That's true, you do take breaks for meals.

Oh, yeah, Mr. Basket boring, how long could you go without gabbing about sports?

She's right, Todd. You have a one-track mind.

[chuckles]

Says, miss "Boys 'R' Us."

Oh, go buy a dress.

I bet none of you could go two days without

flirting, shopping,

talking about sports or relatives.

Can you go two days minding your own business?

-Ooh. -I can go two days without being sarcastic.

Can you? I'll tell you what, for the next hours

let's see if each of you can...

give up your, let's say, your little quirks?

And if you cr*ck, you put $ in the pot.

But, the last one standing wins the whole thing.

And what if we all cr*ck?

Then I am $ richer.

-Why not? -Sure.

-Good. -I'll do that.

What about you, Winston?

You have to give up something.

-Like what? -[both]

Being a geek.

No way. I gotta be me.

OK, folks, for this to be official

we have to take the Moon Beach oath.

I will not utter a word of sarcasm for hours.

Sports? What are sports?

No relative stories.

I will not flirt.

Men in Sweet Valley will just have to suffer.

No shopping...

for hours.

That's , minutes.

[Jessica]

Come on, Lila. If I can do it, you can do it.

Aren't these the coolest earrings?

I just got them at Saksingdales.

Will not buy.

Those earrings will look great with your new shoes.

I can't take this anymore.

I'm out.

I'll give you for those earrings.

[woman]

Sure.

It was the longest seconds of my life.

[woman]

It's so great to see anybody...

Nobody would've took it for $ .

[girls at the table]

That's great.

[theme song playing]



♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Look right down Any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see There's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere Or a reflection? ♪

♪ One always calls out to you ♪

♪ The other's shy and quiet ♪

♪ Could there be Two different girls ♪

♪ Who look the same at ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪

[man]

Hey, we're over here.

Liz.

Are you OK? What happened?

I got caught in the fishing net.

Ow. [groans]



Hold still, hold still.

What's a fishing net doing on our beach?

-Ow. -I heard something about this.

Some of the fishermen have been cutting their nets loose.

-But it's so dangerous. -It's also illegal.

But it's impossible to catch the offenders unless you...

Unless you find a serial number.

Liz, this could be the start of a beautiful headline.

Oh, thank you.

Oh... I just got the scoops on these fishing nets.

The ocean is full of 'em.

Their trapping seals and dolphins

and a lot of other things they're not supposed to catch.

-Tell me about it. -Apparently,

it's cheaper for the big companies

to cut their nets loose than to fix 'em.

Sounds like there's a story here.

[Peter]

Ah, wait, wait, wait.

It gets better.

This net belongs to the Fish Out Of Water cannery

owned by R. J. Patman.

Patman?

I go to school with his son, Reggie.

Well, his dad and Patman Industries

have been on the environmental enemy list for years.

I wonder if Reggie knows about this.

Well, he will soon enough.

This is our ticket out of the classifieds.

We can help the environment

and bring the entire Patman dynasty down

with one of their own nets.

Well, are you with me?

Of course, I am. But...

Let's not make this a personal vendetta

against the Patman family.

Liz... our byline

on the front page of the Trib.

The wires pick it up, it's a national story.

Which is why as objective reporters

we got to hear what R.J. Patman has to say about all this.

-Let me talk to him -We need to jump on this before somebody else does.

Just give me a few days, let me see what I can find out, OK?

Well, I guess a few quotes couldn't hurt.

But be careful, the Patmans are piranhas.

They'll eat you alive.

Mmm...

Sardine sandwiches rule.

-Slawich? -No, thanks.

As I was saying, these nets belong to Fish Out Of Water cannery

which is a company owned by your father.

Oh, man, that is so no bueno .

I want to get his side of the story but he won't return any of my calls.

Would you talk to him for me?

I wanna help, I really do, it's like being caught between a rock and...

another rock.

I'm sorry, Lister, but nobody can tell my old man

anything about his business.

Especially me.

Reggie... there are a lot of people at the Tribune

who are gunning for him

This could get pretty ugly.

Do what you gotta do but I can't get involved.

I mean, he scares me.

Big time.

Oh... do me a favor...

call me Shred.

OK, Shred.

Good luck.

Did you see Michael Jordan fade away three-pointer at the buzzer?

Oh, it was awesome. Did you...?

Did you get this shirt at the GAP?

-You're talking poops, Wilkins. -Yeah, I know.

I'm just saying there's more to life than sports.

Like what?

I have no idea.

Excuse me, ladies, I'm new here.

Do you know if there's any cover parking at this school?

I, uh, don't like the sun b*ating down on my Maserati

No. No cover parking.

[beeping]

Oh, that's a shame.

Just my agent bugging me about the sh**t.

Calvin, well, he'll just have to wait.

-I have, uh, more important business here. -Oh.

Listen, I was gonna go take some lunch on the set of BayWatch.

You wanna come?

I'll go.

Don't worry, Jessica...

I'll give all the life guards a kiss for you.

Now, let's talk about your Maserati.

I repeat...

Use the number two pencil in front of you.

If you do not use the number two pencil...

the computer will not read your answers...

and you will fail the test.

Do you think I could use a pen?

I believe she said to use the pencil.

[announcer on radio]

And now, it's time to play...

"How wacky is your family?"

When we call one lucky lister

and if they have a wacky family story to tell

they win free tickets to The Partridge Family reunion concert.

The Partridge Family? [phone ringing]



[announcer on radio]

OK, everybody,

let's get to our first listener.

Enid Rollins, How wacky is your family?

[speaking gibberish]



Come on, Enid, don't be shy.

Surely there's someone in your family whose just a tad off-kilter.

Iggy-biggy, bla, bla, bla-do

Sorry, Enid, but our translator has the day off.

We'll have to call someone else.

But, hey, welcome to our country.

You're listening to Sweet Valley's number one station.

Sorry, Todd, I did my best.

Thanks for trying, Monty.

Hey, are you guys gonna b*at Big Mesa this year?

I hear they're weak under the board, you know.

La, la, la, I can't hear you.

Laaaa...

[crowd chatter]



Dude, I'm trapped!

Wingnut! Wingnut!

Dude, you look like the creature from the harsh Lagoon .

Don't be a privy, Wingnut, help me out of this thing.

-Chill, net boy, you're making it harder. -Ah!

-I was placing this peaky over at left... -Yeah?

And whack!

I'm flailing like a Mackrel.

Same thing happened to Kobe Machado yesterday, man.

These nets are all over the beach

and dudes are bumming.

The seals and the dolphins aren't too psyched about it either, man.

That thing is a death trap.

Yeah, tell that to the sea-lions, brah.

This is getting way hairy.

Someone's got to do something, man

or Sweet Valley beach is finito.

[crowd chatter]



[pop song playing]



Wow, almost hours and none of you cracked.

I am impressed!

No problem. No problem at all.

Yeah. So tell me, Cheryl...

how do you manage to keep your hands off of me?

Please, pass the ketchup.

[Jessica thinking]

Oh, that must've hurt! Not a sarcastic word.

Cheryl was good!

That would've k*lled me.

[Cheryl]

I can't believe I got Enrique to drive here

from LA in his Maserati and Jessica didn't even bite.

She's tougher than I thought.

So, Enid, I'm having a family reunion.

Do you have any advice?

Nope.

[Enid]

Jessica is so manipulative.

She's even worse than Uncle Ben.

I can't believe he tricked cousin Roy into thinking

the entire year had been a dream.

[gasps]

Oh, sh**t.

I just did it. Should I turn myself in?

[Todd]

Basketball.

Basketball.

I can't sit here anymore.

I'm gonna catch a movie.

[sighs]

Great idea.

-[Todd]

Perfect! -You know...

why don't we rent Poop Dreams?

Nice try.

[Enid]

I don't care what we see, just get me out of here.

[Winston]

It's only a matter of time. Mmm... let's see.

What can I buy with all that cash?

See...

the thing is, pop...

this beach used to be totally guad

until your company made it all guffey with these bogus nets.

Any better?

You got to state your case clearly in plain English.

Otherwise he's not going to take you seriously.

Trust me, pop will never take anything I say seriously

I mean, he thinks I'm a total board head.

Maybe if he sees you standing up for something

he'll change his mind.

Nah, I'm the wrong dude for the job.

You're the perfect dude for the job.

You've seen the problem firsthand.

If anybody can reach R.J. Patman to make the ocean a safer place.

It's you.

The only way my pop's gonna make the beach a safer place...

is by scaring away the sharks.

The dude is terrifying.

Come on, he's your father. He raised you.

He can't be that bad.

I didn't tell you the worst part.

He calls me Reginald.

Guess what. I finally landed an interview with R.J. Patman.

Uh... too late.

I already wrote the article.

By tomorrow I'll have my first byline on the front page of the Tribune.

Hey, I thought we were gonna write this together.

I can't believe you went ahead without me.

I couldn't sit on it any longer.

It's too important.

For who? Sweet Valley or you?

Look, we have got to run this now.

It's got everything.

Man vs Nature.

Corporate neglect.

No decent journalist waits.

No decent journalist files a story without hearing both sides.

-How much time do you want? -Until : .

: ? I'll miss the deadline for the late edition.

You got to give me this.

There's much more at stake than just an article.

OK.

But after : , I run with it.

[Enid]

Hey, Todd. Look at that.

You're right, Enid. Those guys over there are playing basketball.

[Enid]

We almost got you, Todd.

[Jessica]

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

I can't afford another ticket.

Oh...

[officer]

Pull over, miss.

[Jessica]

Wait, I can't believe this.

OK, maybe I can get out of this.

How's my hair look? [Cheryl and Enid laughing]



[Jessica]

This isn't funny, you guys.

[Cheryl]

Sorry, I giggle when I'm nervous.

Wow.

Where do you work out?

-Licence, please. -You know...

Blue is really your color.

-You just lost your bet. -Shut up.

[police officer]

Hey, you're Todd Wilkins.

Guilty as charged.

Nice game the other night.

Yeah, you know,

you win some, you win some.

How do you think you guys are gonna do

at the state championship this year?

Hey, if my three-pointers keep going in

we could go all the way to the...

to the Oprah.

Too late, you're out.

Here's your ticket for running that stop sign.

Fifty dollars?

Listen, it would have been more

but I decided not to cite you and your friends

for not wearing your safety belts.

How generous.

Jessica, make sure we get this kind officer

a great big bag of donuts for Christmas this year.

-[officer]

Actually... -You're out.

[officer]

I just changed my mind.

What's this?

-A hundred and twenty-five dollars?

[R.J. Patman]

No, no, no, no.

I am not asking you, I'm telling you.

Increase profits or we'll have no choice but to let you go.

Is that clear?

Woah, that's a really big desk.

Yeah, it's even bigger than his last one.

Oh, and I want people fired by Friday

or you're out the door with them. Got it?

Your grandmother just isn't as tough as she used to be.

Now, what is so important, Reginald?

-Well... -Come on, come on, son, I'm a busy man.

I don't have all day.

I want you to meet my friend, Liz.

[R.J Patman]

Hello, Liz. Is that all?

Shred. Reginald wants to talk to you about your Fish Out Of Water cannery.

[R. J. Patman]

Good company. Stocks holding steady at .

I bought it at...

Wait a minute.

Reginald? Son...

are you taking an interest in the family business?

No way, I'm out of here.

He's very interested.

Tell your father what you were telling me.

What the nets are doing to your buddies...

to the dolphins and seals.

See, Pop, your company is leaving all these fishing nets in the water.

They're just floating around totally harshing on everything in their path.

[R.J. Patman]

Reginald, that's just business. You won't understand.

Now, you kids run along.

I do understand.

I understand somebody has to tell your fishing boats

to stop cutting their nets free.

You have to clean up the beach. Pronto.

Well, that kind of clean up is not very cost effective.

Your letting your heart rule your head.

And that's not good business.

Look. You always telling me I have to take responsibility.

Now it's your turn.

[R.J. Patman]

I'll give it some thought, Reginald.

You will?

Woah.

So, has everyone given Winston their $ ?

Hey, Winston, I'd like you to order fries and a bucks, please.

OK, we know you won the bet.

-But do you have to keep rubbing it in? -[Enid]

Yes.

But I almost blew it.

See, that cop was my cousin Mark's bowling partner.

If I'd use Mark's name he would've torn up the ticket.

He let my uncle go when he went deer hunting with his car.

Hold it! You could've stopped me from getting this?

Yes, but I wouldn't have won the bet.

Did I just hear you tell stories of one of your family members?

-Yeah. See, Mark's... -[Winston]

Enid...

Enid, it hasn't been hours yet.

You still had two minutes to go. Now, pay up.

But my watch says--

This watch keeps atomic time to the hundredths of a second.

Now, pay up!

-Thank you. -[Jessica]

Give me that.

-Hey! -This is all your fault for making up this stupid bet.

This money is going to pay for my ticket

Darn this watch.

My aunt Millie got it for me when she was in Vegas

with my cousin Albert last summer.

who gambled away my cousin Greta at the crabs table.

And poor cousin Greta, I haven't seen her since.

So, she was my...

Shred. Shred.

-What's shaking, Lister? -Take a look at this.

[Shred reads out the headline]



Excellent, we did it!

This is totally off the record.

I'm proud of you, Shred.

You've made this beach a safer place for all of us.

-I did? -Yeah.

Stoking.

Hey, there's no telling how many animals you might've saved.

You know what else is really cool?

I finally got my pop to stop calling me Reginald.

Ah, he calls you Shred?

Nah, he calls me Reggie.

But it's a start.

♪ Look right down Any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see there's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or a reflection? ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley High ♪