03x18 - My Fair Shred

[bunniefuu]

Signage, Manny. Signs are the answer.

It's right here. Signage can increase your business up to %.

You're kidding?

I'm quoting Harvard Quarterly,

HQ does not kid.

Uh-oh.

Look.

Toxic waste dump?

They sent the wrong sign!

Either that or they tasted your chili.

[theme song playing]



♪ Look right down any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see there's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or a reflection? ♪

♪ One always calls out to you ♪

♪ The other's shy and quiet ♪

♪ Could there be two different girls ♪

♪ Who look the same at ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

[cheering on TV]



Can we just pick one show and watch it?

[bell ringing]

-And let all these other channels

go to waste?

Here, try it.

Whoa, wrong button.

Todd, I'm serious.

We watch TV all the time.

Let's do something romantic.

[sighs]

Liz, what could be more romantic

than cuddling on a comfy couch

in the soft glow

of the television screen.

...got you down, try Fungex.

Say goodbye to scaly, itchy, smelly feet.

Remember--

Take a look at this. It's an article on romantic weekends.

Liz, Liz, Liz, I don't need a newspaper to plan a romantic weekend.

I can do it on my own.

-Really? -Yes.

Right after the Canadian Ping-Pong finals.

...from Montreal is in the lead.

This is such a shock.

You never think it will happen to you.

I never even saw it coming.

I still can't believe it.

We're gonna be

uninvited

to the Patman Silver and Gold Ball,

the biggest social event of the season.

Where did we go wrong?

We're too young to be snubbed.

Are you absolutely positive we're not invited?

-Check again. -I checked times.

The guest list is printed right here.

-Maybe it's wrong. -The Social Excluder is never wrong.

-Fine. -So we're not invited?

It will probably be a bunch of stuffy people in here.

You're right.

Just a bunch of boring, old people.

Like Randall Winthrop.

-Who? -Randall Winthrop.

Second year Harvard, six-digit trust fund,

captain of the polo team.

See, what did I tell you?

A bunch of stuffy people who play polo.

Sneer if you like, but you're missing out on Chandler Harding.

So?

Kicked out of every prep school on the Eastern Seaboard,

gave up a modeling career to drive race cars around here.

-He's used to model? -Huh-huh.

Oh, look, his father also owns Harding Studios.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

There's only one person who can help us.

You don't mean...

I'm afraid so.

You have one of those days which just

can't do anything right.

Yeah. Everyday.

At least your dad isn't sending you

to m*llitary school.

-What happened? -I insulted

the Ambassador Sentadora.

That's not good.

How was I supposed to know

where he comes from. This?

Means your wife looks like a warthog.

[laughs]



No, I'm sorry. It's...

It's not funny.

My pop didn't think so either.

He said if I don't clean up my act,

I'll be bunking with my cousin Bruce at m*llitary school.

Yikes.

So, what does he expect you to do?

Start dressing in a monkey suit.

And talking like a regular hondo.

And impress all his snobby friends

at this stupid silver and gold shindig.

All you have to do is dress up, pose a lot, and act really shallow.

Come on, the trick is to be really snobby.

How do I learn how to do that.

Hey,...

Bingo.

You've got to get us invited to your dad's Silver and Gold Ball.

You want to go to that queen bee fest?

Yeah. So, you'll put us on the list, right?

I could probably wrangle something.

For a price.

-Huh-huh? -Huh?

You want to get into the Silver and Gold Ball,

my man Shred here doesn't want to go to m*llitary school.

You have such a gift for saying the obvious.

Thank you. So, here's the deal.

Shred will get you into the party

only after you give him a crash course in etiquette.

You know, posing, acting shallow, all that stuff you do so well.

Flattery will get you nowhere.

Take it or leave it.

[imitates seal noises]



Let me try again.

Score. [seal call]



Here's the weekend you've been waiting for.

Great.

Okay.

First, we start off at the batting cages,

side by side.

I'll bat left handed

so we can face each other.

Now that's romantic.

-Okay, and then? -And then

it's off to a candle-lit dinner

at the Medieval Trough.

You know, that's the restaurant where you can only eat

with your hands.

Wow, I'm getting goosebumps.

-Wait, there's more. -I'm afraid.

We have two,

front row, ring side tickets,

to Sunday's sold out hockey game.

We will be so close to the ice, Liz.

We'll be able to hear their bones break.

Todd, we're supposed to have a romantic weekend.

That is romantic.

Yeah, if you're a Viking.

So, I suppose you can plan a better one?

It might take ten minutes, but...

I think I can handle it.

Fine.

I've enough wattage in this sign to light up Dodger's Stadium.

They'll be able to see it from the space shuttle.

How could you afford all this anyway.

We're passing costs onto the customer.

Hey, five dollars for a Pepsi?

Are you ready for a weekend you'll never forget?

Let's hear it.

We start off with a romantic

gourmet vegetarian dinner

at the Fleshine Zucchini.

You think if I brought steak they'd cook it for me?

Then we head down to the Raindrop Room for some ballroom dancing.

Wake me when it's over.

And we cap off our evening with a bookstore reading with Toni Morrison.

Who's he?

She won a Pulitzer prize.

I-I'm sorry, I must have dozed off. What were you saying?

Obviously, you're clueless when it comes to romance.

I'm clueless?

Liz, your idea of romance is watching someone read.

You know what? Forget spending the weekend together.

I'm going to the Oracle.

That's fine with me.

There's plenty of sports on this weekend.

I just got a great Idea for an article.

"The Death of Romance in the ' s."

Perfect. You're the expert.

First, lose the gum.

What?

No questions.

-Just spit it out here. -Bad idea, Lilac.

That vase was given to my pops by King Tiki Masala.

It's way valuable.

One scratch and I'm off to m*llitary school.

Okay, fine.

-Eww. -What now?

This is hopeless.

You don't have to be so harsh.

Harsh?

You want harsh?

Try getting up at the cr*ck of dawn

and running ten miles before breakfast

with a shaved head.

[upbeat music playing]



[song ends]



The dude is rude,

who crudely chews his food.

[yells]



Looks like we're going to the ball.

Definitely.

You're way there.

And I'm way here.

No m*llitary school for the Shredster.

Thanks, Jessica.

Thanks, Lila.

Let go of me.

That's it, Reginald.

Pack your bags.

You're going to m*llitary school.

Wow.

He was really mad.

Just call me Private Shred.

Guess I'd better start packing.

We're still going to the party, right?

Private Shred?

[both laughing]



It's second to...

Todd, you've been sitting here, watching TV for eight hours.

What's your point?

Well, that little screen

is bad for your eyes.

You should watch a big TV.

Like the one at your house.

But, I've got everything I need right here.

A TV,

comfy booth,

people bringing me food.

Got any pillows?

Winston, what time are you

turning on the big sign?

At exactly eight o'clock.

I think it's huge.

You're gonna blind the whole town.

Not if they wear my Mobik sunglasses on sale for . .

Thirty bucks for a pair of sunglasses?

They've gotta sign to pay for.

Maybe you should take out some TV ads.

[grunts]



[yawns]



[clears throat]



Romance used to mean holding hands.

Now, it means

holding the remote control.

[yawns]



[indistinct chatter]



-Do you go to Harvard? -Do you race cars around Europe?

-How big is your trust fund? -Were you a model?

I'll never find Chandler this way.

Can we just make the announcement?

Good evening, mademoiselles.

How much you earn?

I figured since I've gotten off on the list,

I might as well give it a sh*t.

Who knows, the old man might come around.

Ah, check it out. [clears throat]



The dude is rude.

Crudely chews food.

Very nice. Now make yourself useful.

Go find Chandler Harding and Amanda Windsor and point them out to us.

Very well, madam.

[sighs]



Hmm, these are simply divine.

The dude is rude who crudely chews his food.

Well said, my good chap.

It's so good to see you.

Thank you all for coming tonight.

We can hear you.

There's only six of us.

-Not for long. -Yeah, right.

This new sign will become a beacon to the hungry.

The thirsty.

The burgerless masses yearning

to be fed.

Just turn on the sign.

-Yeah. -Ladies and gentlemen.

-It's so boring. -[woman]

Never heard of it.

I give you

Moon Beach.

-[all gasp]

-Yeah.

[crackling]



-Huh. -Oh.

-Mmm. -Aw. Winston?

Your sign just blacked out the entire town.

Oh-oh.

You think anyone will notice?

Only the ones who can see.

-A blackout. -I can't believe it.

[crowd murmuring]



Mr. Patman.

There they are.

The lights, what happened?

Let's get ready to rumble!

You think sports are romantic?

Let's get real romantic.

Liz, what are you doing?

You want hockey action?

Come on, Todd, think fast.

Come on, keep up.

Look alive.

Right here, Wilkins.

Get ready for the big one, too.

[Todd]

No.

Todd.

Hey, Todd. Todd, it's okay.

Bogeyman's gone and there's no monster at your table.

[sighs]

What's going on?

Winston's sign just blacked out the whole town.

Shh, you're trying to get me arrested?

I gotta find Liz.

Wait, Todd, Todd, if anyone asks...

Hey, hey, if anyone asks, you don't know anything about any sign.

-Got it? -Yeah.

Be careful driving out there.

It could be dangerous.

I'll be fine.

It's Liz I'm worried about.

[footsteps approaching]



[Todd]

Liz.

Wake up.

It's time to get romantic, honey pie.

Todd?

Oh.

What do we have here?

Whoa.

Spinach soufflé for two.

It's funny.

I used to hate vegetables.

But now,

I love everything you love.

My love.

What are you doing?

You're right as always.

We'll eat later.

Dance with me.

Todd, are you okay?

Come, come.

Have you lost your mind?

Huh, I forgot...

I've got something else for you.

I remembered how much you liked to read.

So I wrote you a poem.

Liz,

we are alike both you and me.

We are two leaves

from the same tree. We are two fish

swimming in the sea.

Noooo...

-Oh, glow sticks. -Thank god.

Can I offer you a glow stick?

Oh, capital idea.

I know there's a light around here.

-Liz. -Todd.

Thank God, it's you.

-What's going on? -[sighs]

It's a blackout.

Are you all right? I was really worried about you.

You were?

Of course, I was.

I don't know what I'd do

if something happened to you.

I'm sorry about this weekend.

Me too. Do you wanna try again next weekend?

Sure.

You wouldn't want to go ballroom dancing,

wouldn't you?

-Not really. -Oh, I'm so glad you said that.

[both laugh]



How does that hockey game sound to you?

-Terrible. -Great.

I know a romantic evening we can both agree on.

What?

A blackout.

[laughs]



Everybody conga!

[conga music plays]



[indistinct chatter]



Totally crackin' party, Patman.

Well, thank you, King Tiki Masala.

That son of yours is a very resourceful young man.

He has all the makings of a fine ambassador.

Yes, well, he's a chip off the old block.

Oh.

Come here, son.

I want a word with you.

I know what you are gonna say.

I'm very proud of you, son.

Wow, I did not know what you were gonna say.

This party could have been a disaster.

-Unpack your bags. -You mean...

-I'm staying. -Absolutely.

Things have been too dull around here without you.

Cool. Thanks, Pop.

Now, where's that conga line?

This has to be them. We've eliminated everyone else.

-Excuse me. -Excuse us.

Compadres.

Allow me to introduce you

to two of the finest Betties

in Sweet Valley.

Randall, Chandler,

please meet Lila and Jessica.

Jessica Wakefield.

So you race cars?

That's way historical.

Thanks to our good lad, Reginald, here,

Randall and I are ditching this hondo lifestyle.

Tour the world in search of the perfect waves.

But, but what about your trust fund?

Trust funds are for...

They gave all their do-re-mi to help save the whales.

Hey, Reginald, let's bust out of here and do some night surfing, okay, bro?

Cowabunga, babes.

That's cowabunga, dudes.

And do me a favor, call me Shred.

Careful, Manny, you still might be able to fix it.

Oh, no. He's here to arrest me for the blackout.

-Come on, let's get rid of the evidence. -Okay.

Hey.

What's a guy gotta do to get a donut around here.

Er...

Help yourself, sir. They're free.

Come on, Manny, over here, hurry.

That was close. I never guessed that very expensive pile of light bulbs

and metal used to be a sign.

Some black-out last night, huh?

Black-out?

Yeah a road crew cut through a main power line out on highway five.

Blacked out half the county.

Road crew...

You know, I didn't even know this place was here.

You should really get a better sign.

[sobbing]



♪ Look right down any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see there's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or a reflection? ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you at Sweet Valley ♪