03x20 - Crimes and Cappuccinos

[bunniefuu]

This is it.

My final breath.

It's getting darker.

I'm feeling weaker... and weaker.

Oh, my head.

Goodbye, dear friend.

Lila, you know you're only taking acting classes

to beg for a bigger allowance.

Face it, I'm a pro and you're just an amateur.

-Tell me you have an Aspirin. -Yeah, sure. What's wrong?

Migraine. They just come out of nowhere.

Just a minute. Um, childproof.

[grunts]



You're in luck. One left.

Nobody pays me the attention I deserve.

-Do you like the buckle on this belt? -Excuse me,

I'm complaining here. Did you hear a word I was saying?

So you don't like the buckle?

Hello? Can you see me from here?

So, what would you like, Jessica?

See, here we go again. Why did you ask for her order first?

Am I invisible? Or do you need new glasses?

No, I can see you just fine. Unfortunately, I can hear you also.

-Jessica... -I don't have to stand for this.

If I want to be ignored, I'll go home.

-Goodbye. -The usual?

What am I forgetting?

[theme music playing]



♪ Look right down Any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see There's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere Or a reflection ♪

♪ One always calls out to you ♪

♪ The other's shy and quiet ♪

♪ Could there be Two different girls ♪

♪ Who look the same at ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you At Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you At Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you At Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you At Sweet Valley High ♪

So... who's going to do their scene first?

-I will. -Okay, Jessica.

-[girl]

What is she doing? -[boy]

I don't know.

-[girl]

What method is that? -[laughing]



Uh, Jessica?

-Hmm? -Aren't you forgetting something?

I did my makeup, my nails... You got me!

Your acting partner Lila.

Oh, yeah. Oh, well, I can do both parts. I'm extremely versatile.

I'm sure you are, but you're going to need an acting partner.

I'll do the scene with Jessica, Mr. Fossey.

Okay, fine. You two be ready to go tomorrow?

-Yeah. -With Enid?

[sighs]

Good thing I'm used to working with inferior talent.

Where is Lila?

My little shnookums. You were great.

No, you were great, pumpkin.

Your plan was perfect.

The way you gagged her from behind.

But you're the one who drove the getaway car, pookie.

Your timing was impeccable.

Now we can that timeshare in Florida, sweet lips.

How much do you think we can get for her, pumpkin?

$ , ? Maybe $ , .

-How 'bout a million? -Ooh, I like the way you think, sweet cakes.

One million? Are you insane? I'm worth at least ten million.

And what is with that polyester gag?

I deserve cotton. Something that breathes.

[chuckles]

Let's make that call now, honey bunch.

Sure thing, cutie pie.

Look, if you're getting ten million, I wanna see some changes around here.

[Lila]

Let's start with this chair.

Naugahyde? Please, lose it! Too sticky.

[answering machine]

You've reached Fowler manner.

If this is a call for Fowler Industries, press one.

If this is a call for Fowler Technical, press two.

...For Ted the gardener, press .

If this is a call for Max the dog, press .

[Lila]

Can we speed this up, please?

I've already missed my afternoon foot massage.

Oh, I guess you people have to do.

Now, get busy.

-How are you feeling, Cheryl? -Like a brand new person. The migraines are gone.

Good. So what would this brand new person like? Same old thing?

-How 'bout a cappuccino? -Cappuccino?

Hmm?

I guess Mr. Patman ordered it.

Okay, cappuccino it is.

Let me get this straight. You're saying if I wanna cry during the scene,

I need to think of something sad?

That's right. It's called method acting. Have you heard of it?

Sure. What actress hasn't? Watch.

Oh. [sighs]

There's too many distractions.

I keep thinking about my date Friday night.

Think about getting a giant zit Friday afternoon.

[gasps]



Here you go.

Delicious. Excellent froth.

This is one of the best I've ever had.

-Is that a cappuccino? -Yeah.

Mmm, that looks good.

-It's delicious. -It's frothy.

-I'll take two. -Give me one of those.

-And one for me. -Coming right up.

Enid, guess what?

I've decided to let you write

a movie review for The Oracle.

You're kidding. What made you change your mind?

Maybe it was the anonymous letters to the editor

recommending Enid Rollins as a movie critic.

Oh, how mysterious.

So, what's my first assignment?

Clueless in Seattle. The one we talked about seeing together.

-Oh, and it starts in an hour. -We're there.

Oh, wait. I can't.

Jessica and I have to rehearse tonight for our acting class.

Oh, but I thought Lila was your acting partner.

Where is Lila?

I sure do miss the melodious tinkle

of her expensive jewelry.

I don't know. She's probably off at a spa,

paying people to pay attention to her.

Burritos? Fowlers don't eat burritos.

Can somebody say "catering"?

Chop-chop. I haven't got all day.

What is it, cupcake?

Shnookums?

Did you see that? We had the whole room in tears.

-You were really good. -So were you.

-You carried the whole scene. -That's true.

But your acting tips really help.

I learned from watching my favorite actresses.

Like, Alicia Silverstone.

I love her. She's got

the best wardrobe in Hollywood.

-Did you see her in that Aerosmith video? -I was moved.

They should give out Academy Awards for music videos.

Have you seen her Clueless in Seattle?

-No. You wanna go? -Do I?

-Can I get a cappuccino? -I'll have a latte.

-[phone ringing]

-[waitress]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Moon Beach.

Reservations? Uh, no. I mean, sure. What time?

Nine? Yeah, we could fit you in.

Sure. Great. See you then.

-Is my cappuccino ready? -Yeah, I want my cappuccino too.

I'm gonna need some help around here.

-[laughing]

-[Liz]

Where were you two?

We just saw the best movie, Clueless in Seattle.

-You've got to see it. -Enid, I thought we were gonna see that together.

Oh, Liz, I am so sorry. I totally forgot.

Just like when you forgot to take off your sunglasses in the movie theater.

That was so funny. You should've been there.

So, Jess,

where's your best friend you've been

hanging out with since the first grade?

-Who? -Lila.

Oh, yeah. I don't know where Lila is.

[Enid]

Maybe she's yodeling in South Dakota with my uncle Ned.

[Enid and Jess laughing]



-Miata. Miata. -Would you stop it?

You're giving me a headache.

It relaxes me when I think of my car.

-You've got to tell us where your dad is. -Miata. Miata.

We've left ten messages for him already.

[answering machine]

You've contacted Fowler Manor.

Please leave a message or any insider trading tips

at the tone. [beeps]



-Faxes, ransom notes... -Miata. Miata.

And we haven't heard a thing.

Why doesn't he call us back?

Look, he's a very busy man.

I'm sure his private detectives are tracking me down right now.

I think you know exactly where your father is.

And if you don't tell us, then it's back to the Naugahyde chair for you, missy.

I swear. I don't know where he is.

I never know where he is.

-I need an Aspirin. -Oh, pookie.

I wonder if he even knows I'm gone.

I've never seen this so crowded.

-This is amazing. -Wow.

Hey, Winston. Table for three?

Well, we're pretty packed, but I think I can squeeze you in somewhere.

Come on.

-Would it be okay if these girls sat with you? -Sure.

-Great. Go ahead. -Thanks.

Hi. It's a great day, isn't it?

You can just feel the joy in the air.

You know, black really brings out the highlights in your goatee.

Let's do something spontaneous. What do you say?

How about bowling? Enid and I always go bowling.

-Let's go. -Okay. I'll go ask Jessica.

Don't bother. She hates bowling.

Well, she had fun when we went yesterday.

She made an incredible - split.

You two sure are spending a lot of time together.

Yeah. She's so funny. And I love the way she dresses.

Enid, Jessica's a lot of fun, but be careful. Okay?

The minute Lila comes back, things will change.

Don't be silly. Jessica and I are like this.

Did you know that Enid's great-great-uncle Fred d*ed

in a tragic bull fighting accident?

-No. -Yeah. The bull's horn went right through his boxing glove.

You know, you've always made fun of Enid and her wacky family.

Now you find it fascinating?

I guess I never took time to really listen to Enid.

So why are you doing it now?

I thought you'd be happy that I'm starting to get to know your friends.

Half the time you never notice she's around.

Now you spend every minute with her.

Can I help it if people are attracted to me? I'm a people magnet.

What are you upto? Why are you luring my best friend away?

Luring? I think you've been reading too many spy novels.

I'm serious. What are you getting out of this?

Liz, I'm shocked. Here I am doing a generous thing,

allowing Enid a glimpse into my world of popularity and coolness,

and all you keep doing is accusing me.

I'm not buying it, Jess.

Oh, I think we've finally seen a dark side to Liz.

It's not very pretty.

I just know you. And there's got to be something in it for you.

Maybe your best friend is finding you boring.

Have you ever thought of that?

Uh-uh-uh.

-Aw. -Come on, man.

-Sorry, man. -Man, we've been waiting here forever.

And you are?

And you know?

And you make?

I see. Uh, sorry. We're booked for a month.

Ooh. But for you, we always have room.

-Um, booth five. -Okay, right this way.

My dear. How are you?

Winston, business is booming.

You're a genius for tuning the Moon Beach into a coffee house.

Well, it's important to recognize the current trends

and be on the cutting edge.

You are so right.

When I think cutting edge, I think Winston Egbert.

You know what? I like how you think.

I've been to a lot of coffee houses.

Just remember, one day you're on top,

the next day you're passe,

flying in the gutter, begging for your next meal.

-[gulps]

-Did I say something negative?

-Oops. I'm sure that won't happen to you. -No, you're right.

I shouldn't take anything for granted.

That's the spirit.

-Did you get the cuticles? -[Enid]

Just let me in! Come on!

-Come on. I know it was. Come on. -Moon beach.

[bouncer]

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

[Enid]

I know Winston. We're old friends. Ask him.

Roger, it's okay. She's with me.

Wow. Do you know everyone in town?

No, but everyone knows me. Cappuccino?

-[Winston]

Yeah, great. Yeah, okay, bye. -This for me?

-Cheryl, guess who that was? -...Upward people?

No, that was Creme De La Creme magazine.

The quintessential guide of the coffee house industry.

They heard about the Moon Beach and they're sending someone over to try my cappuccino.

-Good for you. -If he gives me a good review,

I see a chain of Moon Beach cafes.

I see my name in lights.

I see a date this Saturday night.

It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

So, Enid, you want to go shopping?

What? You wanna go shopping with me?

-Mmm-hmm. -Like, we'd go to stores together and buy stuff?

Sure. You know, go to the mall,

run up our credit cards, make fun of people. What do you say?

I'm... I'm honored.

But don't you normally go shopping with Lila?

Who? Oh.

Where is Lila?

Darkness surrounds me. My strength is depletin'.

Goodbye, dear friend.

Thank you, thank you. I ad libbed a little that time.

Professional actors do that, you know.

-Now, here's another way. -This isn't a headache, it's a migraine.

-Here, let me rub your temples. -Back off!

[breathing deeply]



[man on TV]

What can I do?

Hey, Liz. How do I look?

-Like Jessica. -She does look great, doesn't she?

Jessica redesigned my entire wardrobe.

-She has the best taste in clothes. -That's nice.

So, did you do that review for The Oracle?

You know, that movie you two saw without me?

Oops, I forgot. I'm sure you can find someone else to do it.

What? You bugged me for an assignment. Now you don't want to do it?

-Why? -Well, Jessica pointed out

that nobody reads The Oracle anyway.

You know, she's really a lot smarter than you say, Liz.

Come on, Enid. Let's go pick out matching halter tops.

Come on. [giggles]



Where's Lila?

No, no, no, no, no.

This is all wrong. Fuschia clashes with my hair.

We need something like an off-fuschia.

What do you think, sweet pea?

I think it's your fault we're in this mess, honey pie.

Who's idea was it to kidnap the demon child, gum drop?

Well, there's not a lot of millionaires to pick from in Sweet Valley, butthead.

-Camel breath. -Gorrilla back.

Oh, you have really changed.

You're the one who's changed.

Hey. Are you two about finished?

We've got a lot of work to do around here.

[both]

Shut up!

You can't un-kidnap me. You're fired!

-Get out of my way! -[woman]

How come she gets to go in?

[man]

What's that all about?

Call off the search party. Lila Fowler's back safe and sound.

Lila, I have someone coming to review the Moon Beach.

I'm gonna have to ask you to rehearse somewhere else.

?I'm not acting. I was kidnapped. Don't you read the papers

Actually, I do. And there's a big sale going on at the mall. Why don't you go?

At least the kidnappers treated me with a little more respect.

Where are those kidnappers anyway?

Let's never kidnap again, honey bunny.

Okay, piggly wiggly.

I love you, pinky winky.

I love you, sugar plumy plum plum.

Yes.

-Pookie, my headache's gone. -Ooh.

Hey, that's my cappuccino maker.

Could you keep your paws off the cappuccino maker, please?

Please don't take my cappuccino maker.

Thank you for not touching the cappuccino maker.

She took the cappuccino maker.

-What, no cappuccinos? -That's it, I'm out of here.

-Yeah, I was getting sick of this place anyway. -They're totally passe.

No, don't go.

-[man]

Let's get out of here. -[woman]

Yeah, this is over.

-[man]

Let's go. -[woman]

Yeah.

Oh, hello.

I'm the coffee critic for Creme De La Creme magazine.

I've been expecting you. Uh...

Um, how 'bout a nice cup of tea?

Are you out of your mind? I'm a purist. I don't drink tea.

A hot cocoa? Bosco? Ovaltine?

[sighs]

Cheryl, you were right. For one shining moment

I tasted the froth of life's sweet successes.

But in less time than it takes to make a double decaf non-fat latte,

-I've become passe. -Could you keep it down?

I have the worst migraine.

Oh, wow! Look, no waiting.

I'm serious, Jess. We're talking bound and gagged.

Wait, you'd have to wear the same thing everyday.

Ew!

So, what did you wanna talk to me about?

I wanted to apologize for the way I've been acting.

I thought Jessica was stealing my best friend away from me.

-Who? -You, Enid.

Me? No. She wasn't stealing me away.

Liz, we'll always be best friends.

Just 'cause I hang out with Jessica, doesn't mean I can't hang out with you.

You're right. And why can't all three of us do stuff together?

Yeah, why not? Let's do something tonight. Wanna?

Good. I'd like that.

I'll see if Jessica's available.

[Lila]

So then, I made them redecorate.

-Jessica, I wanted to know if-- -The food was horrid

and the place was dirty. But at least they paid attention to me.

-Who knows? Maybe we'll all do it again sometime. -Um, Jess...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, you wanna hear a great acting tip?

If you wanna cry on cue, you think of something sad.

That's good. Who told you that?

I don't remember.

-Come on, Enid. -[Lilia]

Anyway...

-Did you hear something? -Mmm-mm.

So then, I made them listen to my scene over and over. They really liked it.

Liz, I am so sorry.

You were right about Jessica.

And I never should have blown off the movie review.

-And-- -Do you wanna bowl or not?

I've got a better idea. Let's go to the movies.

There's this review I have to write.

Oh, no, no, no. You can't cancel this Friday. I'm opening a liquid salad bar.

It is not gross. It's cutting edge.

Hello?

Hello?

♪ Look right down Any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see There's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere Or a reflection? ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you At Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you At Sweet Valley High ♪