04x03 - Drag King

[bunniefuu]

[rock music playing on stereo]

[engine and music stop]

Remind me again how I got dragged into

going to a car race.

Same way I got dragged into going

to the Fettuccine Film Festival last week.

That's Fellini.

Whatever, I couldn't understand what was going on.

I mean, if it weren't for the underwater bowling scene,

it would have been a total waste of time.

[car engines revving in distance]



-Hey, you missed a spot.

-Where?!

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

How are you supposed to enjoy driving your dad's car

if you're gonna freak out about it the whole time?

This car is a collector's item.

My dad trusts me to take care of it.

Is that why he hid the keys?

He didn't hide the keys.

He left them right in the middle of the living room.

Under a floorboard.

Whatever.

As long as nothing happens to it, I'll be okay.

Todd, the car will be fine.

You're obsessing about it.

Let's just go.

Okay, okay.

See? I'm walking away from the car.

I'm not even thinking about the car.

[nun #] Twin pipes? I had one just like it.

[nun #] Oh, check out the factory mats.

Sisters!

Get away from the car!

What is his problem?

Some people are so touchy about their cars.

[upbeat music]

♪ Look right down Any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see There's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere Or a reflection ♪

♪ One always calls out to you ♪

♪ The other's shy and quiet ♪

♪ Could there be Two different girls ♪

♪ Who look the same at ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you At Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you At Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you At Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you At Sweet Valley High ♪

[announcer] Will Kevin Newsome report to the pit, please.

Report to the pit, Kevin Newsome, your crew is waiting.

[announcer] Please, can I have your attention, please?

We have a late scratch to announce.

Mark Battle in his Nova funny car

has been forced to drop out

because of mechanical difficulties.

That is Mark Battle in the Nova funny car.

Right now the T

-shirts will be on sale

at the booth behind the grandstand.

Look at those cars.

Oh, they're amazing machines.

Yeah, so is a Cuisinart,

but I wouldn't want to sit and watch it all day.

[engines revving]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

stick around, because after the funny cars

we'll have the monsters of the speedway,

the top

-fuel dragsters!

[engines roaring]

[announcer] There they go, burning down the track!

Whoa!

[announcer] Car takes the lead!

Oh, the guy in Car can really drive.

[Announcer] And the winner is !

Jess, what are you doing here?

Wasn't he great?

Who?

Duh, number , Devon Whitelaw.

That was Devon Whitelaw?

[Brazilian accent] Jessica, why do you look so complexed?

I don't get it.

Devon told me to come by the racetrack this afternoon,

and then he totally blew me off.

I feel so beige.

He races the cars?

This is not good.

It is a very difficult type of man who drives for sport.

I know.

I once loved such a man.

Never again.

[melancholy music]

Juniño.

He had it all

-

- the fame, the title, me.

We dated until he d*ed in a fiery crash.

Now he's worshiped as a god by millions in my country.

But his memory, it breaks my heart.

Just the thought of Brazil brings the tears.

Blah, blah, blah.

We were talking about me, remember?

What am I gonna do about Devon?

If you must be with such a man,

Renata can help.

There is a very simple potion that'll do the trick.

One whiff and your man will fall at your knees

like a pair of cheap stockings.

"Dictator, Dashing Revolutionary,

Latin Movie Star."

I'm afraid to ask what's in your other cabinets.

Mostly shoes.

Now, this vial contains a secret mixture

of herbs and roots

obtained from deep in the Amazon.

You actually went into the jungle?



-No, the pharmacy.

-Oh.

But this mixture is not enough.

You must add one lock of your own hair

and one from the boy you love.

There's no way some mumbo

-jumbo,

hocus

-pocus is gonna get me Devon.

That is what I used to think.

Until I got the call from Antonio Banderas.

Did you know that in Brazil it's illegal

to walk your dog backwards on a public street?

My Uncle Jeff used to walk his dog backwards

until that mishap at the Grand Canyon.

Oh, wait, here she comes.

Uh, Renata, I know Brazilians like coffee,

average per capita consumption being . cups a day,

so I was wondering if maybe you'd like

to go out with me to get . cups or so?

That is not to my taste.

Uh, .?

I don't think a bunch of facts is gonna impress her.

Unless it comes with a side order of gold earrings.

Well, what should I do?

Well, when my Uncle Jake the butcher

was first trying to woo Aunt Nana

because she was homesick for Alaska,

Jake recreated an igloo for her in his meat locker.

Did it work?

Her heart melted.

Unfortunately, when the power went out so did the igloo.

The entire block was flooded with short ribs.

You'd think the one with the wood chip would weigh more,

but that seems too obvious.

So, I

-

-

I didn't know you raced cars.

Yeah, there's a lot of things about me you don't know.

You should come to my next race.

It's not really my idea of a good time.

Come on, I'll hook you up with a VIP pass.

I'm not a car racing groupie.

Might make a good article for that paper of yours.

[knocking]

I just buffed the seats to my dad's car with mink oil.

Do you want to go for a ride up the coast?

And risk a bug hitting the windshield?

Not a problem.

I've made an appointment at the all

-night car wash.

Oh, I can't go, Todd.

I've gotta go back to the racetrack.

What?

I'm doing an article on Devon Whitelaw.

You're doing an article on that loser?

A lot of people are interested in racing.



-It'll make a good story.

-Yeah, a lot of people

like basketball, but you'd never do a story on me.

Come on, Todd, how often do we have

a race car driver at Sweet Valley High?

Can't someone else do the article?

I had a special night planned.

We'll do something tomorrow, okay?

[upbeat Latin music]



-Here you go.

-That is not what I ordered.

Yeah, I know.

I took your advice.

In order to make Renata feel at home,

I've transformed the Moon Beach

into an authentic Brazilian bistro.

So what do you think?



-It could use

-

-

-Tabasco?

Oh, chili powder? Cilantro?

A fire extinguisher.

Todd, I told you already.

I watched the race and went home.

It was no big deal.

Well, you sure made a big deal out of it

in that article you wrote.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Let's just have a nice, quiet meal, okay?



-Fine.

-[sighs]

Second date he's ignored me.

It's like a slap in the face.

Renata, I made this authentic seared piranha just for you.

This I cannot believe.

On a bed of shoestring cassava.

The plants, the food,

the annoying jungle clatter,

this all reminds me of my native land.

Well, I wanted you to feel at home.

I do.

I do.

My poor Juniño.

[crying]

[suspenseful music]

Devon, what a surprise.

Can I sit here?

Sure.

Since you're still pretty new in town,

I think it's only fair

that I give you a chance to get to know me.

What's that smell?

[girl] Ew, something reeks!

I can tell you one thing.

It's definitely not my necklace.

It must be Winston's cooking.

I'm gettin' outta here.

[girl] I gotta get outta here!

[boy] Ew, gross!



-This reeks.

-No, wait, wait.

No, don't go.

It's making me sick.

I have pounds of anaconda burger on the griddle.



-Don't.

-Sorry, man, peer pressure.

No, no. Rrr!



-Hey, Liz.

-Hey.

The Tribune picked up that story you did on Devon,

and there's a picture of you in the winner's circle.

Let me see that.



-No, it's not a good picture.

-Come on, Liz.

Is that Whitelaw?

Don't overreact.

You two look pretty cozy.

Todd, I was there for an interview, that's it.

That doesn't even belong on the sports page.

Really?

Any moron can drive a race car.

Then you should be really good at it.

You want to race?

Sure.

I mean, I would.

If I had a race car.

We'll drive our street cars.

I've seen you tooling around in that ' Chevy.

Oh, yeah? Well, too bad

there aren't any streets around here we could race on.

I'd take you on in a second.

I know a street we can race on.

Me and you, one on one.

You got it, Whitelaw.

Todd, you don't have to do this.

Listen to your girlfriend.

You might get hurt.

Someone's gonna get hurt, all right.

But it's not gonna be me.

You and your stupid love potion.

I've never smelled anything that bad since

Lila's hair caught fire in the tanning booth.

Maybe the potion was spoiled.

It has been some time since I sought the love of a driver.

Hello? Didn't you check the expiration date?

Worry not, I'll make up a new batch.

Renata, I'm sorry I upset you the other night.

I hope these flowers show you how I really feel.

Oh, my God, the purple flowers.

Do you like them?

In my country, they are the sign of death.

How could you?

You know, she didn't cry.

I'm making progress.

Todd, can I talk to you a second?

What's up?

I don't want you to go through with the race.

Why not?

It's too dangerous.

At least Devon has experience.

You don't know the first thing about car racing.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Look, Devon does this all the time.

He knows what he's doing.

So do I.

I could use a little support.

I just don't want anything to happen to you, that's all.

Todd, you gotta let me be your pit crew.

Enid, now is not a good time.

Look, Todd, I know this is hard to believe,

but my cousins Merle and Earl are professional grease monkeys.

I can adjust your intake manifold,

clean your slimline booster,

and I am lightning with the squeegee.



-Enid

-

-

-I can help you win!

Not that you're gonna need any help.

Okay, Enid, you're on.

I'm glad someone believes in me.

Yes!

Start with the maracas, okay?

And you follow with the tom

-toms.

Now guys, when I give you the signal,

I want you to break into the snappiest

Brazilian samba you know, okay?

Wow, can you guys play the "Macarena"?



-No "Macarena!"

-No "Macarena!"

I found the only authentic samba band

on the entire West Coast.

This time I'm really pulling out all the stops for Renata.

When she sees this, my little Brazil nut

will come running into my open arms.

Do you want to go out after the race tomorrow?



-Tomorrow?

-Yeah.

We can celebrate my victory.

Did I just hear you say you're gonna win?

[Devon] That's right.

You know, there's still time to back out... Sporto.

Why would I back out of a race that I'm gonna win?

If you're so sure,

why don't you put your money where your mouth is?

I don't have your kinda money, Whitelaw.

Let's play for something that I want.

Like, um, your girlfriend.

You touch her and you're a dead man.

Hey, calm down there, stud boy. I'm just kiddin'.

You really don't have anything I would want

except, uh...

maybe a Chevy.

If I win, I get your car.

And if you win, which you won't,

you get my set of wheels.

You got a deal.

[playing samba]

I cannot believe what my eyes are hearing.

Paulo!

Winston, I give you a million thanks.

You have reunited me with Paulo,

my first love from Brazil.

For this, I pardon you for all the insults.

He gave me the purple flowers.



-The purple flowers?!

-Purple flowers?!

Next year I hope the exchange student is from Des Moines.

So, Devon finally asked you out.

Yeah, the love potion really worked.

You know, we could make a fortune

selling it to the visually unacceptable.

So when is this big date?

We're going out after the race to celebrate.

But what if he does not win?

I never thought of that.

I guess our date would be canceled.

Oh, no! I'd have to pay for my own dinner.

Well, I used to perform a ritual before all of Juniño's races

to guarantee a victory.

What you must do is go to Todd's car,

wave your arms and say...

[speaking native language]

Are you joking?

I can't even speak Canadian.

Well, just wave your arms around.

It's the thought that does the counting.

Todd?

May I have the second of your time?

Yeah?

I just wanted to wish you luck before the race.

May you break an egg.



-Thank you.

-I hope that you do not crash

and suffer a slow and agonizing death like my Juniño.

But worry not. If you do, you'll be worshiped by millions,

and they will sell T

-shirts with your picture on them.

Whatever Renata said.

Whatever Renata said.

Let's do it.

[engines start]

Todd, this is crazy.

Is it really worth losing your father's car?

I'm not backing out.

Don't you get it, he challenged me.

So what? You could get k*lled!

Look, you don't understand.

Just give me a kiss for good luck, okay?

[engine revving]

Watch it.

That's my car, don't scratch the paint.

Are you set?

[engines revving]

Are you set?

Set?

Ready?

Go!

[tires squealing]

[rock music]



-Whoo!

-Whoo!



-Whoo!

-Go!

[engine sputtering]

[tires squealing]

Todd!

Todd, are you all right?

My dad's gonna k*ll me.

I don't understand what went wrong.

I had this baby purring like Aunt Ida's cat on catnip.

I don't want to hear it.

Just take the keys.

I don't want another car.

Kicking your butt's all the satisfaction I needed.

For now.

[Jessica] Where's my necklace?

Coming, Jessica?

In a minute! I lost something.

[Enid] What's this?

Now I know why you lost.

Look what I found in the carburetor.

Hey, your car ruined my necklace!

Hey, what do you say we go down to the Moon Beach

for some Sloppy Anaconda Joes, huh?

[groans]



-Ugh.

-Half price.

[upbeat music]

♪ Look right down ♪

♪ Any crowded hall ♪

♪ You'll see ♪

♪ There's a beauty standing ♪

♪ Is she really everywhere ♪

♪ Or a reflection ♪

♪ Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you ♪

♪ At Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Sweet Valley ♪

♪ Sweet Valley High ♪

♪ Meet you ♪

♪ At Sweet Valley High ♪



-[cheerful music]

-[children laughing]