04x25 - Have Faith

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♪♪ [theme]

[Anthony] Oh,
Julia, I meant to ask.

Is it all right if I leave a
little early next Friday?

I'm taking some children from the
home for Wayward Boys on an outing.

Certainly. I think it's wonderful if
you'd be helping those poor boys,

especially after that
incident at the zoo.

What happened at the zoo?

Oh, just some
childish shenanigans.

Some of the Wayward Boys

did a little shoplifting
in the reptile house.

Then there was that
unfortunate incident on the bus

on the way home, but
that can't happen again.

[Julia] I hope not.

Whatever happened to Charlene?
She's not usually this late.

Oh, the freeway's backed up.

It's a real mess.

Sorry.

Well, there's no reason
to apologize, Mary Jo.

It's not as if you did it.

Well, actually, I did.

On my way here this morning,

there was a police car
in the right-hand lane

going about 25 miles an hour,

and I was scared to pass
them, and so was everybody else,

so we just let him lead us around
kind of like the Indianapolis PACE car.

Yeah, I'm always afraid
I'm going to get pulled over.

You know, they say if you're
a member of a minority group

that your chances
are much greater

that you'll get
stopped and searched.

That's the trouble
with you, Anthony.

You're never happy.

Excuse me.

I guess I should have
added on the up side

that I get credit for being
a much better dancer

than I actually am.

Well, I bet I know
where Charlene is.

She's doing something
with that baby.

She's always feeding the
baby of changing the baby

or making sure the baby's
not choking on anything.

I'll tell you something else.

I think she likes that baby
better than she likes us.

- Hi, y'all.
- Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

I just stopped at the
bank on the way here,

and now both of my
rear tires are in shreds.

What happened?

Were you late on
your car payment?

No.

You know those signs in parking
lots that say do not back up,

severe tire damage?

Yeah. Well they're not kidding.

I mean, you back
up one little tiny inch,

and these big metal spikes
come out of the ground

and punch your tires.

Now, isn't that a
little severe to y'all?

I mean, they didn't
used to have that.

There used to be a
nice attendant, you know,

who'd stand there
with a little bow tie,

and he'd take your money and
say, "Good morning," you know.

I guess they'd figured
they'd save money

if they just fired him and
booby-trapped the place.

Well, anyway, Bonnie Gray
happened to be coming by,

and she called the
tow truck for me,

brought me here.

Oh, by the way, Mary Jo,
she said to say hi to you.

Bonnie Gray?

Yeah, don't you know her?

She says she
goes to your church.

Oh, no. Well, that
would explain it.

I haven't been there
in a long time. Sorry.

Mary Jo, there's no reason
to apologize for that, either.

Whether you want to go to
church or not is personal decision.

Well, I want to. I really do.

I don't know. I just kind of
gotten out of the habit of it.

Gee, when I was a little girl,

I would never have missed
church or Sunday school.

Oh, boy, me, neither.

Some of those fire-and-brimstone
preachers scared me to death.

I used to ask for
forgiveness for everything.

It used to drive
my parents crazy.

You know, somebody was on
the news with a real problem,

I mean, even if
they lived in Egypt,

I would stay up all
night praying for them.

It got so I was so exhausted,

I thought I was going to have
to drop out of elementary school.

You know, even if I haven't
gone to church in a while,

I am living like a nun,

so maybe that
counts for something.

Anyway, I think I'm
going to swear off men.

Did you all see that
woman columnist

on the Larry King
Live Show last night

talking about Donald Tr*mp?

No, what did she say?

I just wanted to
punch her lights out.

She said, "So what if
Donald wants to fool around.

"Ivana should just do
what all smart women do

and just look the other way."

I hate that.

Why are women always
encouraging other women

to be happy with the
short end of the stick?

Well, from what I've read,

I don't think a short
stick is Donald's problem.

You know, Mary Jo,
I've got a good idea.

I think you should go to church
with Julia and me this Sunday.

It might get you fired up again.

Oh, hey, if you really
want to get fired up,

I know who you
should go with. Anthony.

Excuse me, what were
you saying about my church?

Well, don't you go to one of
those yelling and screaming

and rolling and crawling
around the floor churches?

Suzanne, I'm Episcopalian.

The only time Episcopalians
crawl around the floor

is if somebody
loses a golf ball.

[Mary Jo] Good. I
mean, you know,

it was funny and
fresh and intelligent.

I'd say on a scale of
1 to 10, I'd give it a 10.

Well, Mary Jo, I'm so glad

the sermon impressed
you that way.

You know, Julia, I bet
you'd be a good minister.

I mean, you sure have put the
fear of God in a lot of people.

I don't know, Charlene.

You know, there's a lot
more to being a minister

than just preaching.

Yeah, I guess you
wouldn't be that good

at the counseling part.

Well, I mean, come on Julia,

I mean, if somebody
came to you, some guy,

and he said that he'd been
abusing, you know, his children

or cheating on his wife,

you'd just blow him through the
back wall of the office, you know.

And when people walk by,

there'd be this big hole
in the side of the church

and they'd say, "Oh, Lord, Reverend
Sugarbaker has been counseling again."

- Hi, Julia.
- Hi, Sally.

- Hi Charlene.
- Hi, good morning.

- I'm Sally.
- Oh, hi. I'm Mary Jo.

Are you new here? Have you
filled out a new member's card?

I'm just visiting.

Oh, well, did you get a corsage?

All visitors get a corsage
so we'll know who they are.

Deanne, bring your corsage over.

No, really, thank you.

I just-I just want to blend in.

Hello. It's great to
have you with us today.

You know, we need people to help

with the youth group
car wash this afternoon.

I don't suppose
you'd be available.

Deanne, Mary Jo just got here.

She doesn't want to wash cars,

but would you be interested
in teaching church school?

Sally, Deanne, I think Mary Jo

- is just kind of getting
her bearings today.
- What are you saying?

I'm saying, with all
Christian love and kindness,

back off.

Oh, we're sorry.

It's okay, really.

Oh, please, just enjoy yourself.

Thank you.

Those two always
get a little wired

during the coffee
and doughnut hour.

I think the combination
of caffeine, sugar,

and the Holy Spirit

just kind of sends
them over the edge.

Oh, but they're
terrific. They really are.

There are so many nice
people here, Mary Jo,

and half of them are guys.

- Hint, hint.
- Charlene,
that was very subtle.

Well, I'm just
trying to tell her

there's a Saturday singles
group that meets, you know,

and I know you're not Baptist,
but you don't have to be.

It's a lot of fun. I
mean, they go caroling.

They play softball every spring,

and there's a big trip to
the Six Flags Over Georgia.

Listen, thank you
all for bringing me.

I do appreciate it.

I always enjoy wearing a
mum as big as my head,

but I really do have to be
getting home pretty soon.

I know, I know, I know, but just stay
and meet Reverend Chapman, okay?

Then you can go
right home, all right?

- Fine.
- Good morning, Reverend.

Good morning, Julia.
Charlene, how are you doing?

- Good morning, Reverend.
- Where is Bill today?

Oh, well, Olivia's got
a little stomach bug,

so he stayed home to take
care of her. He said to say hi.

Reverend, we'd like you to
meet our friend Mary Jo Shiveley.

- She's just visiting today.
- Well, I can tell.

I see that Deanne and Sally
have you marked as fresh meat.

Did you get some coffee?

We were just about to.

Could we bring you a cup?

Thanks. I could use some.

I was up too late last night.

Oh, working on your sermon?

Well, actually, I was
watching Saturday Night Live.

That Church Lady
thing really kills me.

I really enjoyed your sermon.

Oh, come on, what
do you honestly think?

Honestly?

Yeah, hit me with
it. Don't hold back.

Well, you know
that thing you said

about the Founding Fathers
being religiously neutral?

Well, they weren't.

I mean, there was an
awful lot of victimization

of Jews and Catholics,

at least that's the
way I understand it.

I don't mean to criticize it.

I'm just a visitor.

No, don't be silly.

Your point about the
Founding Fathers is well taken.

I said religious neutrality
was an ideal of theirs.

I should have also pointed out

that they fell very short of it.

I didn't mean to criticize.

Are you kidding?

I mean you were
actually listening.

I love that.

You're the kind of person that
really keeps me on my toes.

I hope you come back.

- Bring your husband.
- I'm not married.

Oh, in that case, what
are you doing Saturday?

Do you like baseball?

I'm really not interested
in getting involved

with those big single events.

I mean, that's what you're
going to ask me, isn't it?

Actually, it would
just be you and me.

I beg your pardon?

I have Braves
tickets, third baseline.

Let me get this straight.

- Are you asking me out?
- Absolutely.

Mary Jo, here you go.

Reverend Chapman,
I think you know

that we're going to have to
work on Mary Jo together.

We play our cards right,

we might just be able to talk
her into going to church here.

I think you're a little
behind, Charlene.

We just decided to start dating.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- How was it?
- How was what?

Your third date
with my minister.

It was fine. It was
nice, very nice.

You don't like him.

Well, of course I like him.

I mean, for Pete's
sake, he's a minister.

What kind of person
wouldn't like a minister?

Well, I don't know.

I certainly don't want
to date Jim Bakker.

Although I did used to think
that Jimmy Swaggart was sexy.

Apparently, he did, too.

We'd been having
such a good time,

I just can't help
having thoughts

that I probably
shouldn't be having.

I've noticed, too, you know.

He's a very sexy guy.

Next time he's near
the baptismal fount,

perhaps we could get a
little wet T-shirt action going.

Well, I'm sorry,
Julia. I can't help it.

I mean, I think Billy
Graham is sexy, too.

I think a lot of
preachers are sexy.

Sounds kind of perverted,
though, when you say it.

I mean, like sitting around watching
The 700 Club and getting hot.

Well, I'm certainly not proud

of having these
thoughts about Eugene.

Oh, my gosh, you
call him Eugene?

He insisted.

Well, all I can say is

I don't think it should
make one wit of difference

that he is a
member of the clergy

and Mary Jo is a lay person.

Oh, Lord, Julia, I don't
think he thinks of her as that.

Well, all I can tell you is
that this whole business

about him being a minister
just changes everything.

I mean, you know,
like you can't lie,

like last night, he said,
"Gee, what a great outfit."

And I went, "This whole
thing? I've had it for years."

And then I thought,
here I am lying

to a man of the
cloth, so I said,

"Eugene, that was a lie.

I bought this outfit today
just to impress you."

Oh, Mary Jo, that's
just plain stupid.

I know, but I couldn't help it.

I mean, it was like I was at
confession or something, you know.

I mean, gee, I'm obviously not
going to be able to date this man.

I mean, it's made
me a nervous wreck.

I just... I just don't
feel holy enough,

which is why I'm just
going to have to break it off.

How do you know that Eugene
is going to call you again?

Well, I just know.

I mean, you can tell.

- He had a really good time.
- [phone rings]

Sugarbaker's.

Oh, hi, Reverend Chapman.

Yes, she is. Just
a moment, please.

It's Eugene.

Hi.

Oh, what a surprise.

Didn't really expect
to hear from you.

Uh-huh.

Eugene, excuse me, I
need to correct something.

I did expect to hear from you.

Oh, the baseball game, again?

Tonight?

Gee, I don't know, Eugene.

I'm just feeling kind
of unworthy today.

I think you ought to take a
woman of higher moral fiber

to bat day.

Box seats?

Okay, great,

that will give me
just enough time

to run home and read the Bible.

[crowd cheering]

Great game, huh?

Yeah, I really love baseball.

As a matter of fact, I love
all sports except boxing.

I just don't get it.

I especially hate that
post-fight commentary,

you know, like the
Tyson-Douglas fight

and that "Buster"
guy just kept yelling,

"I'd whipped his butt.
I'd whipped his butt."

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I should have asked.

Yeah, well, don't
worry about it.

No, really, that was so rude.

I mean, I know the Bible
says thou shalt not cuss.

I don't believe I ever read
the word cuss in the Bible.

Well, I know it certainly says

thou shall not covet thy
neighbor's wife or his ass.

I read that last night.

Gosh, there I go again.

Forget it.

Oh, I guess they're
playing again.

I guess they got
that dog off the field.

Hey, you remember
a couple of years ago

when that guy streaked
the World Series?

Yeah.

And he just totally and incensed
the announcer there, like,

"You know, this
is the kind of thing

that just ruins the game, Bill."

And then, about
five minutes later,

that woman with
enormous breasts ran out.

Morganna, the Kissing Bandit.

Yeah, that's her.
She ran out there.

She was kissing everybody, and all
of a sudden, the announcers are like,

"Yes, and there's
the lovely Morganna.

Hey Bill, check out
that double play."

You're very funny.

- Oh, two hotdogs
and two cokes.
- Coming right up.

They must have scored again.

Yay! Yay!

I bet that's one of your
favorite words, huh?

What's that?

"Yay."

You know, like,
"Yea, thought I walk

through the valley of the
shadow of death," you know.

Hey, did you see the program?

There are about three
guys in there named Jesus?

You know, for some reason,

I'm getting this real
strong urge to kiss you.

Really? How shocking.

No. Well, it shocked me, too.

Oh, gee, you know,
I think this is beer.

Oh, well I'll take it back.

Oh, no, no, no. That's
all right. That's all right.

You have to go back
to the back of line.

Well, I was thinking of
cutting in front of somebody

unless you think I
might go to hell for it.

Oh, no, really,
that's all right.

I'll just sip it.

I don't usually drink at all

because when I do,
I tend to show off.

Like if I have a couple of beers
and you take me to a church party,

I mean you could
loose your pulpit.

Well, I'll try to remember that.

Just for the record, I don't
usually have sex, either,

or nearly.

I wouldn't say that to a date,

but this is one time
it seems to be a plus.

I'll see that you get credit.

Anthony?

Anthony, what on earth
has happened to you?

Mary Jo, I can't believe this.

I've been looking for
somebody to give me a quarter.

Hey, buddy, I thought I told
you to put on a pair of shoes.

Look, I'm working on it, okay?

Officer, it's all right.

He's with us, and
he's a minister.

Oh, all right.

Gee, that's pretty handy.

Oh, Anthony, this is the
Reverend Eugene Chapman.

Eugene, this is a
friend of mine, Anthony.

Sort of a friend.

Hi, you're trying
to catch a few rays.

No, no, I brought some boys
from the Wayward Home out here,

and they rolled me
in the men's room.

I can't believe this
is happening to me.

Those little bastards.

- Anthony.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just that they
stole my wallet,

my new jacket,

and my Reebok air pump shoes.

Well, at least they
didn't take your pants.

Mary Jo, these are not my pants.

One of the boys took
my jeans and left me his.

What do you think? I'm
going to come to the ball park

in calypso pants?

I don't know. I mean,
kind of looks like something

out of that movie Mandingo.

I'm freezing.

Oh, here, take my jacket.

- Oh, no, I couldn't.
- No, no, I insist.

Okay.

Listen, Mary Jo, why
don't we leave now

and give Anthony a ride home?

Oh, I think that
would be very nice.

Oh, no, no. That's just
way too much trouble.

I couldn't let you all do that.

I'll just hang with you two
until the end of the game.

No, we'll take you home now.

- Are you sure?
- Sure.

We don't want
you sitting with us.

I was hoping to
meet your children.

Oh, they're spending
the night with friends.

- Hmm.
- I mean that just happened.

I didn't arrange
that or anything.

I swear that's the truth.

Mary Jo, why don't
you just come over here

and sit beside me and relax?

Oh, oh, okay.

So did I tell you I used to go out
with a guy who worked for the Braves?

- Really?
- Yeah.

He went to Cincinnati
about a year and a half ago.

Do you miss him?

Yeah, sometimes.

But our relationship had
really sort of run its course,

you know, when I
decided to date other guys.

I mean, not that I was
promiscuous or anything.

I mean, far from it.

Gee, I... really, I almost
never have sex at all.

You know, Mary Jo,
you keep bringing that up

like you're a virgin hoping
to be thrown into a volcano.

I don't know what's
wrong with me.

I mean, I know I've been
running this pious stuff

into the ground.

I like you a lot,

but to tell you the truth,

I was going to ask you
not to ask me out again

because, somehow,

I just feel that deep down

that I'm just not
good enough for you.

Do you think you
could get a different job?

Come here.

Look, you don't have
to be anything for me.

I like everything I'm
looking at right now.

Yeah, well I'm glad you're happy

because you just
intimidate the hell out of me.

You see, there I go again.

Listen, Mary Jo, I
like you a lot, too,

I mean, more than
anybody in a long time,

but you got to
get this straight.

See, I'm just
basically a man, okay?

I mean, a well-intended

but sinning,
flawed, fallible man

who gets up every morning

and staggers into the bathroom,

cuts himself shaving,

pours himself another
cup of yesterday's coffee,

and drives to work in
a car that's not paid for,

and spends most
of the day trying to be

as good as God expects him to be

and always falling short of
what people are sure he is.

So how come you never married?

I was... a long time ago.

My wife and son were
k*lled in a car accident.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sure your wife
was very saintly.

Actually, she was more like you.

Irreverent and funny, spiritual.

Spiritual? Me?

Very.

Boy, that was nice.

You know, this
could be a problem.

I mean, I guess you
only get rationed out

like a couple of those a
day or something, huh?

I think it's negotiable.

Just out of curiosity,

I mean, like, what
are the ground rules?

I mean, I know you can kiss.

I know you can't have sex.

Now, wait a minute.

I think there's a
better way to put that.

I abstain.

I mean I didn't get
the best part of me

sh*t off in Vietnam.

You know, you're
just a little bit wicked.

I thought you'd never notice.

Here I've been thinking

that you were just
too holy for me.

Why is it that people think that
people who are very religious

are either no fun or boring?

I mean, I see now that
you're just a guy who,

for example, follows
the Commandments.

You don't lie, cheat, steal,
treat your parents bad,

or s*ab your best friend
in the back, you know.

You're what used to
be called a nice guy.

So why am I so uptight
about dating a nice guy?

I don't know, but
I'd like to work on it.

Hey, I throw my dirty clothes

in the middle of
the bathroom floor,

and I'm very impatient,

and I eat Oreos in bed,

and sometimes, I even drink
milk right out of the carton.

You know, I've got
a lot of serious flaws.

So what do you think now?

Now I know you're perfect.