05x09 - A Class Act

[bunniefuu]

Bye, marvel ann.

If you don't like
those curtain rods,

Please feel free to
bring them back, too.

We four will b*at
you to death with them.

She'll never make a decision.

If she gets one more face-lift,

Her ears will meet
at the top of her head.

Those contracts
come from my lawyer?

No, the mail's not here yet,

But I'll be on the lookout.

I'm expecting something myself.

But the printer called,

Said your order's ready.

I hope y'all don't mind,

But now that I'm a
partner in sugarbakers,

I had new business cards
printed with my name.

That sounds like a fine idea.

Well, i... I just
can't believe it.

After all these years,
i, anthony bouvier,

Have finally become a
bonafide capitalist pig.

Excuse me.

What's this about anthony

Becoming a partner
at sugarbakers?

Suzanne, you will remember

That since we agreed

That anthony is such
an asset to sugarbakers,

That if he wanted
into the business,

We'd each sell him a
percentage of our shares.

We signed an
agreement, remember?

Is that what that was?

I thought that was that ed
mcmahon sweepstakes thing.

Suzanne, you did not.

You're just mad 'cause
you were outvoted.

Outvoted? You voted against me?

It doesn't look right.

No other decorating business

Is owned by four white women

And one black ex-convict.

I'm sorry, suzanne.

I would have put my
investment funds elsewhere,

But there was this
bidding w*r on wall street,

And all the shares
in watermelon farms

And tap dancing schools
had all been snatched up.

Oh, that's too bad.

I'm still waiting for my lawyer

To send those contracts.

He said he'd send
them over a week ago

In one of those
manila envelopes...

Like that one suzanne's got.

Suzanne, how long
have you had this?

Couple of days. Why?

These are my contracts.

My name's on the envelope.

I know that,

But you never get
anything important.

Besides I needed
to test my polish.

Look. This has gone
all the way through.

I better put these away now

Before someone
accidentally burns them

With their curling iron.

Suzanne,

Like it or not,
anthony's a partner.

You're going to
go out of your way

To be supportive of
him, or I'll hurt you.

Charlene, I'm going
to lila van alden's

And measure her sun room.

Want to come?

It's near that
baby store you like.

Thanks, but I'm
waiting for the mail.

What are you expecting?

I wasn't going to
say anything yet,

But mary jo was
saying we're in a rut,

And it reminded me
of when bill and I

Visited his mama.

His sisters were sitting around

Talking about their college days

At vassar and radcliffe.

Then they asked me
where I went to college,

So I told them...

Three rivers
secretarial academy.

So?

So they weren't mean about it,

But I could tell
they were surprised,

Like I had a piece
of toilet paper

Caught on my shoe.

I always wanted
to got to college,

So I applied to
clarton university

For their winter quarter.

Really? Clarton?

Yeah. The registrar
said the acceptances

Were mailed last week,

So it's got to come today.

You're thinking I
won't have time,

But I'm ahead in my paperwork,

And I'll just take
one class to start.

Now, I can't decide

Between psychology and spanish.

I've always been fascinated
by human behavior,

But I'd really like to know

What ricky's been
yelling at lucy

All these years.

Well, you've got
plenty of time to decide.

You know, clarton's very
scholastically competitive.

Not everyone gets in.

Oh, I know. It's a hard school,

But they were real nice,

And they said they'd like
more part-time older students.

Just remember,

Clarton is not the
only school in atlanta.

What are y'all saying?

They're saying they
think you're stupid, too.

I get that all the time.

They think since we got extra
helpings in the boob department,

We got skimped
on everything else.

Suzanne, we do not.

Since I have to go,

Let's decide on marvel
ann's end tables.

I think chinese chippendale.

Really? I like the
plain oak ones.

I like that one.

No. That one's nicer.

I'm getting tired
of discussing this.

Well, let's ask anthony.

After all, he's a partner.

Ok. Fine.

Suzanne,

Would you get anthony
from the storeroom?

Oh, all right.

Anthony!

Julia wants you!

Thank you, suzanne.

That was incredibly helpful.

That's all right.

How may I be of assistance?

Anthony, we find
ourselves at an impasse.

Would you be a tie-breaker?

Why, yes. I'd be delighted.

Which of these end tables

Do you like better?

Well, now, let's see.

I think I'd choose that one.

Good choice.

You can't be serious.

A-actually, the other one's

Very attractive, too.

Don't let her bully you.

I'm not bullying him.

I'm simply suggesting
that he reconsider

An obviously hasty
and ill-made decision.

You're pulling rank.

Well, he doesn't know.

I'm glad I could
be of assistance.

If you need me, I'll
be in the storeroom.

It's just a mess in there.

Is that what you meant
by being supportive, julia?

Morning, charlene.

This is the one you've
been waiting for.

Thank you! Thank you!

It's from clarton.

Well, open it.

I am. I am.

Go ahead. Read it.

I'm too nervous.

For pete's sake. Give it to me.

Ok, here. You got in.

I got in! I got in!

Oh! Oh!

You got it?

Yes! Yes!

Are you surprised?

No! No!

Gosh, this is so exciting.

My first psychology lab.

My friends think college

Might be too much for me,

But I love knowledge.

I yearn for it.

Dr. Newhouse, are you ok?

You've been gone a long time.

I know.

I got lost.

Lost on campus?

No. Here in this building.

All these hallways
look the same.

I don't mean to pry,

But why do you have a
toothbrush behind your ear?

Toothbrush?

Oh, dear.

Now what did I
do with my pencil?

We took the liberty
of proceeding

With the experiment,

The subject's
already in the room.

Could we say this
next experiment

Demonstrates that behind
every conscious action

Lies an unconscious
motivational conflict?

Oh, yes, gordon, we could,

But it sounds so boring.

You mean if somebody
paints nail polish

Over somebody else's
partnership contracts,

She wasn't testing the color.

She secretly doesn't want him

To buy into the business?

Now, that's not boring.

You're very tall, aren't you?

Now, in this next experiment,

The subject behind
the one-way mirror

Has been left alone

With various foods
and a note which says

He can eat anything he wants

But don't touch the oreos.

Isn't that going to
make him want one?

Oh, I get it. That's so sneaky.

Yes, it is. I love this one.

The subject is making a move.

He's going to eat one.

No, no. He changed his mind.

He's going to eat one.

♪ You're going to eat an oreo

Subject manifests
motivational conflict.

I can't believe it! He ate one!

Gets them every time.

This is like candid camera.

We ought to put
a tiny microphone

In a cookie, then
we'll go, "don't eat me!"

Let's do it.

We thought this
was supposed to be

A serious psychological
experiment.

It was.

I'm sorry. What got into me?

Let's just pick it up tomorrow.

Uh...

Uh, charlene, could
I talk to you, please?

Dr. Newhouse, I'm sorry
I got too carried away.

I'm just so excited
being in college.

No. Please don't apologize.

Your reactions were
so honest and refreshing.

I like open-minded students

With no preconceived notions.

Gosh, you do? Great.

I don't have any notions at all.

Excellent.

Uh-huh. 9 Inches.

What?

I'm conducting informal research

On conversational distances,

And occasionally I test them.

Oh.

You know, I just had
a wonderful idea.

I'm just starting my next
big research project,

And I'd like you to be
my research assistant.

Me? You kidding?

You... You want me to
help you with a project

That might win
another nobel prize?

Sure. Why not?

Oh gosh, I didn't know
you big professors

Took such personal
interest in your students.

Well, we do.

Doctor, could I ask a question?

No!

Do you think I know
enough about psychology

To be your assistant?

That doesn't matter.

You're curious.
You've got enthusiasm,

And let's face it,

You've got better
legs than gordon.

Oh, dr. Newhouse,
you're such a kidder.

Yeah. I am.

Julia?

Mm-hmm.

Have you heard of
conversational distances?

Certainly.

They differ from
culture to culture.

They're an important part
of nonverbal communication.

So it's a legitimate thing?

Yeah. Why?

Oh, nothing.

Dr. Newhouse is doing a project,

And he tests them... A lot.

I still can't believe
that he picked you

Out of all those students
to be his assistant.

What kind of project
is this, anyway?

Oh, it's about, um...
Human sexuality.

That's nothing to be
ashamed about, charlene.

I know that.

If my mama and daddy call,

Tell them I'm taking geography.

They haven't been to college,

And they're not as
sophisticated as I am.

Charlene, don't
you worry about it.

Sexuality is a perfectly
valid field of study.

I know. Elliot always says that.

Elliot?

Dr. Newhouse.

I have to practice
giving these interviews.

Could y'all be my guinea pigs?

Well...

I guess we could
spare a few minutes,

Especially if it's in
the interest of science.

Oh, good.

You guys are great. Thanks.

Charlene, you
don't wear glasses.

These are just blank
glass from campus corner.

All us college girls shop there.

I thought they made
me look, sort of,

More intellectual.

Well, they don't.

You look like a big
blond henry kissinger

In drag.

Ok, now, I'm warning y'all...

Some of these questions
might be a little...

You know, difficult.

Well, I think we've all had
our psychology courses.

Perhaps we'll be able
to muddle through.

Go ahead.

Question one.

Julia, could you describe

Your sexual fantasies?

No.

Oh. Ok.

Let's move along.

Uh, mary jo,

When did you first
have intercourse?

I don't suppose by intercourse

You mean my first
verbal exchange.

No. The other kind.

Come on, y'all. I told
you this wouldn't be easy.

All right.

As it happens, it was
on my wedding night.

You're not putting
my name on this,

Are you?

No. Of course not.

Ok, suzanne's next.

What part... What
parts of the body

Do you consider erogenous zones?

I'm not going to answer
that question, charlene.

First, I never agreed
to do this interview,

And second,

I don't know what that
word erogenous means.

Suzanne, you've been
married three times,

And you don't know what
erogenous zone means?

No, I don't.

I know the twilight zone,

And the handicap zone,

But I don't know the
erogenous zone, ok?

I don't know why
y'all are so nervous.

I know this is embarrassing,

But I had to fill out one, too.

Why?

Elliot said I should.

You know, I'm starting to think

This is all kind of strange.

What?

Charlene, I don't want you
to take this the wrong way,

But... Seems like
there's a possibility

That this guy's
interested in something

Other than your brain.

What do you mean?

We think he's a pervert.

Oh. I see.

Boy, this is really insulting.

First, y'all don't think

I can get into college.

Now you don't think
I'm smart enough

To know when a
guy's coming on to me.

Is that it?

Pretty much.

Charlene, let's face it.

You are a little naive.

You gave your life savings

To a guy promising to make you

A country-western star.

You got us mixed up
with that photographer

That tried to take
sleazy pictures of us.

You didn't even
know your best friend

Was a prost*tute.

What's your point?

No. This is legitimate research.

Elliot's interested in my mind.

Y'all are such prudes.

You act like

Studying human
genitalia, orgasm,

And premature ejaculation

Is something to be ashamed of.

Well, here, let's ask anthony.

Now, now, look.

If this is another
tie-breaker thing,

Just forget it.

As happy as I am
to be a partner,

From now on, I'm
just a silent partner...

Someone with absolutely
no opinion whatsoever

On end tables, knotty pine,

Armoires, laura
ashley pillow shams,

And especially all that stuff

You just finished talking about.

For pity's sake!
Lord have mercy!

A man can only take so much!

8... 9... And 10. See now?

Your classroom is the 10th door

On the right.

Boy, you're good.

I sure appreciate your help.

I appreciate your help
with these interviews.

I'll never get used to
hearing that personal stuff

From complete strangers.

And here I am, trying
to act professional.

Meanwhile my eyes
are bugging out.

That last woman asked me

If I had a thyroid condition.

Well, you put people at ease.

You're so open and accepting.

I wish I could be more like you.

You do?

Truth is, most
people terrify me.

Being a genius isn't pretty.

Oh, boy. That's amazing.

I always wanted to be like you.

I wanted to be a
famous scientist

Like madame curie...
Only from missouri...

And discover some
incredible vaccine

That would wipe out all disease.

My daddy said if I got an "a,"

He'd teach me to
drive the tractor.

Where the heck is she?

How should I know?

These hallways look alike.

You tricked me.

We're supposed to
be going to dinner.

We are, suzanne, ok?

I'm sorry to have interrupted

Your feeding schedule.

I was a little worried
about charlene.

So first, we'll check
out this guy elliot.

Besides, you are
our self-proclaimed

Pervert expert, remember?

Right. You'd think you
people would learn

To spot them for yourselves.

Just for this,

You're taking me
to chez jacques,

And you're paying.

So where did you grow up?

Boarding schools mostly.

My parents were always
overseas lecturing.

They're geniuses, too?

Mm-hmm.

That must have been lonely.

It wasn't as bad

As everybody calling
me moose brain.

Kids can be cruel
in grade school.

That was at harvard.

Even now, when people find out

I graduate from harvard at 14,

They look at me like...

Like you just stepped in dog do?

Exactly.

They do me the same way

'Cause they find out I
never went to college.

Charlene, could i...
Tell you a secret?

Sure.

I had a dream about you.

I dreamed that...
That we were friends.

That's sweet.

You really think so?

I... I just feel so...
So close to you.

Oh, I know what you're up to.

You do?

That conversational
distance stuff.

You can't fool me.

Elliot!

What's the matter with you?

Nothing. I was hoping that
maybe we could have sex.

We cannot have sex.

What kind of friends
were we in that dream?

The kind that have sex.

I've been going crazy
trying to figure out

If these were legitimate
experiments we're doing

Or whether you were
just coming on to me.

I figured it out, so
just knock it off.

Ok.

If you're insecure about women,

You still shouldn't
abuse your position.

You're right.

You're right!

I was compensating.

You really do have
amazing insights.

You're also stacked like
the library of congress.

But don't worry.

I can take no for an
answer. I-i'm used to it.

That's not the point.

Sorry. I'm just not
good with women.

Well, get some therapy!

Hi.

Are we interrupting something?

What are y'all doing here?

Actually, we just dropped
by to take you to dinner,

Right, suzanne?

Yeah. Right.

Oh, mary jo, suzanne.

This is my professor,
dr. Elliot newhouse.

Charlene, can I talk to you?

Actually, we came
to check up on you.

Boy, now I feel like a fool.

I can't believe I worried
about this dorky guy.

Mary jo... No, no, no.

Obviously he's not
interested in you.

Sex is probably the
last thing on his mind.

He just made a pass.

I knew it.

It's ok, mary jo. I handled it.

I handled it.

I think I was trying to be

More sophisticated
than I really feel

'Cause I want to fit in.

But you know,

He really does respect my mind.

Some men find us
intelligent women

Almost unbearably sexy,

But I've got the
situation under control.

I think you are actually
a pretty smart cookie.

Thanks. Excuse me.

Elliot, under the circumstances,

I think you should find
yourself a new assistant.

Oh, no, no, no, charlene.
Please don't quit.

I promise I'll behave normally,

Insofar as that is possible.

Maybe you can give
me some pointers

About social intercourse.

Ok. Look.

We're right where we started

With the dirty words,

So I'll just speed things up.

Hang on a second.

Ok, now. Listen up.

I don't know what
you tried to do,

But charlene's our friend.

If you ever touch
her, you are dog meat.

Got it?

Good.

Now let's eat.

Suzanne!

You didn't tell me

She was a firearm fetishist.

Well, we all have problems, ok?

Actually, nobody's
perfect, and...

Elliot, I know you
have a good heart,

So I forgive you.

Just don't let it happen again.

It won't.

See you next week.

Oh, that's great, charlene,

But wait, please.

Couldn't I just maybe

Go to dinner with you all?

Elliot.

Remember those social
pointers you wanted?

First, you don't invite
yourself to dinner.

Oh.

Sorry.

Ok. Come on.