05x16 - The Emperor's New Nose

[bunniefuu]

When's suzanne coming back?

She's supposed to help
me pack those ginger jars.

I don't think she's coming in.

Her rear end is sagging.

What?

Her mercedes'
rear end is sagging.

The mechanic says
it's the leaf springs.

What did you think I said?

Never mind.

Oh, sh**t.

Did y'all hear this?

Willie nelson got in
trouble with the i.r.s.

They auctioned off
all his belongings.

I can't believe we missed it.

I was just saying to
myself the other day,

"Where can I get a good buy
on some used bandannas?"

Sugarbaker's.

Oh, hi, anthony.

Where are you?

Anthony's at the corner

Of riverside and edgewater.

Now where are you?

He's driving down riverside
towards the perimeter.

I love the new car phone.

Now where are you?

He's at a red light.

Really is it still red?

Is it still red?

Your making fun of me.

O.k. Just tell him
he better head back

To mission control right away.

Cathy staples is expecting
those blue prints by 5:30!

What?

O.k. I'll tell her.

Roger and out.

Anthony says there's traffic

And he has to take bernice home.

He may not make it.

It's 5:10. Somebody
better call her

And tell her to expect
them in the morning.

It's after 5:00 already?

I wanted to watch the news.

Where was bernice
having anthony take her?

Bernice swore him to silence.

Said it was top secret.

Uh-oh. She's been
talking a whole lot

About that mechanical
bull at the al edco club.

Hi, suzanne. Did you
get your car fixed?

No. They gave me a loaner.

Too bad. I know how much
you love that mercedes.

I don't care if I see that
little krautmobile again.

From now on, I'm
buying american.

What's brought this on?

Well, I'll tell you.

When I went to
leave my mercedes,

The loaner they gave me
was this big old cadillac.

The kind those short, bald,
rich old man with cigars drive.

Well, from the moment I
slid in behind the wheel,

I thought, "where have
you been all my life?"

It's the most luxurious
car I've ever driven.

It doesn't even
drive like a car.

It feels more like a
rolling barco lounger.

Well, I tell you
what I'm going to do.

I'm selling that german u-boat.

With the money I make,

I can afford to buy two
full-length american luxury liners.

The only question
is what colors.

Y'all know that
politician that left his wife

To marry his son's nanny?

I thought you were
watching the news.

I am, but they're doing
this special report

On things celebrities
don't want you to know.

Can you imagine
losing your husband

To your child's nanny?

I'm glad mrs.
Philpott's 65 years old.

Of course, she did
just get a new perm.

Bill's overseas. I guess
he's safe from her.

I can't believe they
call that the news.

Neither can i.

They should be running my piece.

I offered to do a follow-up

On designer fashion for dogs.

Isn't that the lady reporter

They replaced you with?

Yeah. That's her.

She should have watched
my dog fashion piece.

She might have found
something to wear herself.

I cannot believe with everything

That's happening in the world,

All the local news
can think to run

Is a piece about
famous nanny violators.

Well, it's over now.

Good.

Now they're showing a
toilet throwing contest.

Oh, my word.

They are chucking toilet bowls.

Oh my lord. How far to you
think he threw that thing?

About 50 feet, wouldn't you say?

That would be a
pretty good toss.

How much do you think
a toilet bowl weighs?

Julia, what do you think?

I have no idea.

Obviously, all those years

Of expensive
education were wasted.

Hello, ladies.

Hi, bernice.

What you all watching?

The news.

How much does a
toilet bowel weight?

Excuse me?

We didn't expect
to see you bernice.

What are in those folders?

That's the surprise.

Come on, everybody. Sit down.

You may want to
do what she says.

We just came from
the doctor's office.

Oh, my god. You two
are having a baby.

Not quite, suzanne,
but if we do,

You'll be the first to
hear the good news.

I'm having my face lifted.

Not only that, I'm
having my nose done

And my neck liposucked.

I considered having
breast implants

And a buttocks enhancement,

But then I thought
that might be too much.

Bernice, that would
definitely be too much surgery.

No. I meant too much money.

New buttocks don't come cheap.

Well, bernice, you
don't need any of that.

You look great.

Well, hey, so does cher,

But that doesn't stop her.

I hope you're not being
pressured by some media image

Of how a woman's
supposed to look.

Some of the most beautiful women

In this country are over 50.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've heard all about
that from jane fonda.

She keeps telling us

That the aging process
is natural and beautiful

And if we just keep doing

Those squats and donkey kicks,

Everything will be hunky-dory.

Meanwhile,

She sneaks out and
gets her boobs done.

If jane can do it, I can do it.

I've made up my mind.

You know me when
I've made up my mind.

My goodness.

Well, isn't that just something?

It sure is.

The doctor took her picture,

Put it in his computer,

Asked her what she
wanted done and voila.

We've discovered I have
the same bone structure

As raquel welch.

Wow.

Would you look at that?

Well, you look very... Alert.

And, uh... Just who
actually is going

To do this to you... For you.

Dr. Sheldon tyler

Of the new age
cosmetic sculpting clinic.

Doesn't he have commercials
with space age music?

I'm sure this
procedure's expensive.

Oh, it is.

I've already taken a loan
against my life insurance,

Which means when I
die I'll get less money.

I'm just curious as to
why you suddenly decided

That this was necessary.

Oh, I've been thinking
about it for a long time.

It's hell getting old.

Inside, I'm still
16 kissing sailors

In times square on v-e day.

You never told us
you lived in new york.

I'm not sure I did,

But that's what I remember.

Um, bernice, are you
sure about this doctor?

Oh, yes. He's the best.

He uses the latest
scientific methods.

It's just amazing
what they can do.

Mm-hmm.

It's amazing, all right.

What's that you got
there? Let me see.

Don't tell me you're
thinking about doing it.

No, but since I went
there with bernice,

They offered to do a
computer make-over

For me, gratis.

I must admit my curiosity
got the best of me.

I think they missed their mark.

We'll be the judge of that.

All right, but
you've been warned.

Amazing.

It's michael jackson.

Anthony, tell bernice
we can't wait to see her.

Hey, what does she look like?

Oh.

Well, all right.

Bye.

Bernice and anthony are
just around the corner.

Well, what does she look like?

Yeah. What does she look like?

Well, all anthony would say is,

"You won't believe it."

Oh.

What does that mean?

First, she's under
wraps for two weeks,

Now there's this big unveiling.

What if her face

Looks like it's been
through a wind tunnel?

Yeah. Sometimes those faces
can look pretty strange...

Like a little girl who's got
her hair braided too tight.

A friend of my
mother's had that done.

Everything was pulled up so far

Her feet didn't even
touch the ground anymore.

Thank heavens we talked bernice

Out of doing too much.

She had that little
tuck here and here,

And, of course, the rhinoplasty.

The what?

Rhinoplasty.

Vulgarly called a nose job.

Oh. For a second I
thought you meant

She had a horn put on.

Well, you know bernice.

I wouldn't put it past her.

I'm sure bernice is
anxious for us to see her.

You know how people are
after they get plastic surgery.

They just can't
wait to show it off...

Like when latoya jackson
appeared naked in that magazine.

Those breasts were so new

They still had tags
on them reading,

"Do not remove
under penalty of law."

If it made her happy,
that's all that matters.

You bet it is.

When bernice gets here,

I don't care if she
looks like something

The cat threw up.

All she wants to hear
is "you look fabulous."

We're worrying
about this too much.

She's probably
going to look great.

All we have to do
is tell her the truth.

Well, how do I look?

You look fabulous!
You look fabulous!

More tea, bernice?

Would anyone care
for another cookie?

I see you looking.

No. No, i-i-i... I was just...

Staring at my nose.

That's all right. I don't mind.

It makes me feel a
little like a celebrity.

You don't think it's
too perky, do you?

No. No.

I don't.

Oh.

It's just different, that's all.

It's just... So different.

Bernice, we'll just have
to get used to the new you,

Like when phyllis diller
had that work done.

She came back looking
like her daughter,

Sort of.

So, was the doctor
pleased with the...

Result?

Yes. He had the same
reaction you did.

Oh.

He said I looked fabulous.

More cookies.

Oh, dear. This is my third one.

I'm afraid I'm making
a pig of myself.

Are you all right?

You're looking again.

No. I was just...

I was just thinking how
great your skin looks.

Doesn't it?

Oh, yes.

I noticed that, too.

You look so rested.

Don't i? I think
dr. Tyler did a great job,

Don't you?

Oh, yes.

Really. Professional.

I've never seen
anything like it.

Well, bernice... How
about another nose?

I don't think

You have to look any
further than this room

To find the four biggest
hypocrites in atlanta.

I never thought

I'd get flop sweat
at a tea party.

"How about another nose"?

Well, thank you for
laughing out loud.

That was very helpful.

She must have known
what we were thinking.

What must she see when
she looks in the mirror?

Obviously, bernice is not
seeing what's really there.

I believe she's in shock.

Maybe we're making
too much out of this.

Bernice seemed happy
when anthony took her home.

That's what's
important, isn't it?

Come on, what were we expecting?

Something that
looked like a nose.

Maybe we'll get
used to it in time.

After four or five years,

We might even begin
to think it's cute.

I don't think so, charlene.

I think this is really
a dilemma for us.

I never know. When
a friend looks weird,

Do you say something or not?

Like when you're at a party

And you're laughing and
talking and having a good time.

Then you get home and realize

You've had a piece of
spinach caught in your teeth.

You think, "I have looked

"Like leon spinks all night,

And no one has said anything."

I mean, it is so embarrassing.

I am always grateful
when somebody says,

"Hey, you've got some
spinach caught in your teeth."

"Hey, the back of your dress

Is caught up in
your panty hose."

"Hey, there's
something in your nose."

Mary jo!

I mean, if it's a
piece of spinach,

It can be easily removed,

But we're talking about
plastic surgery here.

Maybe we should just keep
our feelings to ourselves.

I just can't bear
to look at her.

I know. Bernice is our
friend, and we love her.

It's not that.

It's just...

Looking at her
reminds me of noelle.

Oh, you're missing
your pig, aren't you?

Yes.

Suzanne! We don't have time

To be thinking about
your runaway pig.

We have got to decide

What we're going
to do about bernice.

Obviously, she's mixed
up with a bad doctor.

O.k., We can either
keep our mouths shut,

Or we could gently suggest
she see another doctor.

Who'd make her nose
look like it used to?

Right. Like they got some box

Containing the rest
of bernice's nose

Waiting to be put back on.

That's a good idea.

A lot of people get
corrective plastic surgery,

And they look great.

You're taking bernice
shopping today, right?

Uh-huh. She feels so
good about herself,

She wants to get
some new things.

Bring her back here
afterwards for a drink.

We'll sit down with her

And, as gently as possible,

Be honest with her.

That ought to be easy.

We'll get her
liquored up and say,

"Bernice, it's
about your snout."

This is a happy color,
don't you think?

It's very nice.

Now that I've had time

To live with my new face,

I think my profile
needs a chin implant.

You don't want to
mess with one of those.

I hear they tend to move.

You could wake up one morning

With another nose
sticking out your cheek.

Really? I'd better
scratch that idea.

Would you like a free
color evaluation?

Sounds wonderful.

Bernice, I'm sorry, but
we're due back for drinks.

That's all right. My
father always said,

"Never be late for a
funeral or a vodka stinger."

I'll just take these.

I'll ring them up.

Mommy, that lady
looks like miss piggy.

Sorry. He didn't mean that.

Excuse us.

Kids just say the
craziest things,

Don't they?

I remember when I was 5,

I went to the dentist
with my mother.

These midgets
came in the elevator.

We called them midgets then.

Now we call them little people.

But I said, "mama,
look at the puppets."

Can you believe I
actually said that?

Well, the doctor promised

To make me look like a tv star.

I should have
specified... Not miss piggy.

How did this happen?

I told you. When we got back,

She locked herself
in the storeroom.

Bernice?

Hello.

You're sure she's still there?

I heard her moving around.

Bernice, it's julia.

Please come out and talk to us.

We love you. We want to help.

Go away. This little piggy wants

To be left alone.

Bernice, we are your friends.

If you are my friends,
why did you lie to me?

Why didn't you tell
me what I looked like?

We knew how much
it meant to you,

And we didn't have the
guts to tell the truth.

We're so sorry.

Well, I can't blame
this all on you.

I knew something
was terribly wrong.

A person isn't supposed to jump

When they see
themselves in the mirror.

Bernice, we've talked
to another doctor

Who thinks he might be able

To do some corrective surgery.

Well, that's fine,
except for one problem.

I've already borrowed
against my life insurance

To pay that idiot
who did this to me.

To get more money,
I'd have to die.

Then corrective surgery
would seem unnecessary.

Yes. I see your point.

Bernice, don't you even
think about the money.

I've been thinking.

We could tell the tv
stations what happened.

They'd just eat up
a story like this.

Then you'll be famous.

People will send
in contributions.

Your face will be
all over the news.

That plan needs work, suzanne.

I just feel so foolish.

Bernice, there
isn't a person alive

Who hasn't wanted to
improve their looks sometime.

It's nothing to
be ashamed about.

It's not like me to do
something so nutty.

Oh, bernice, yes, it is.

Suzanne.

Well, I know how we
can get the money.

I'll sell one of my cadillacs.

Suzanne, you would do that?

Yes, I would.

I know you all think
I'm selfish and shallow,

But I know what's
most important in life.

Friendship.

No! Looking good.

Bernice, you would have

The best plastic
surgeon in atlanta.

He did bebe benson's breasts,

And nobody at the miss
georgia pageant could tell,

Till I turned her in.

Great champagne, bernice.

You all were so kind,

I wanted to say thank you.

Even through the bandages,

I can tell it'll look...

Like a normal honker.

Yes.

I hope the folks at
hillcrest leisure land

Never find out about this.

Surely they've
seen the bandages.

Yes, but I said I
got in a bar fight.

Hope you don't mind. I
said I kicked your booty.

That's perfectly
all right, bernice.

I love this guy.

I love you, too, and, bernice,

You are one fine-looking woman.

Hear! Hear! Hear! Hear!