05x20 - I'll See You in Court

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my gosh! Listen to this!

The dollar theater's having

A rocky film festival
next saturday!

They're playing
rockies I through v

Back to back from
noon till midnight.

Hey, anthony, you want to go?

I don't know, charlene.

That dollar theater's
getting kind of seedy.

I saw sparatcus there recently.

This guy next to me

Was eating this big
old funky garlic pickle.

The guy behind me was
repeating all the dialogue,

Which was bad enough,

But he had this
lisp like daffy duck.

He kept spitting all
over the back of my neck.

"I am spartacus-s-s-s!

No, I am spartacus-s-s!"

The arm kept
falling off the seat.

When I got up to leave,

I stepped in this wad of
chewing gum so powerful,

I had to leave my shoe behind.

But it's only a dollar!

O.k. You're on.

You know, that first rocky

Had a very big impact on me.

I figured if a big,
dumb white guy

Could make it out of
the ghetto, I could, too.

Yo, adrian!

Yeah!

Julia, we left you out.

Want to come, too?

Let me get this offer straight.

Y'all want me to go
to the dollar theater

With the sticky floor

To watch 12 hours
of sylvester stallone

Bleeding from the nose and mouth

With both his eyes swollen shut.

I think I'll pass.

Actually, julia, that first
rocky was an excellent movie.

Anthony, I understand

That these films are
fine as entertainment,

But you must admit

They're not exactly
oscar contenders.

Julia, for your information,

The first rocky was
nominated for nine oscars.

It won three,
including best picture.

Ha ha!

I'm sorry to put you
in your place like that.

But I'm very senative
about my rocky's

Now I know the last
couple have gone down hill...

But it must be difficult
making five different movies

Using the same plot.

I'm warning y'all,
I'm in a bad mood.

The police are out of hand.

This highway patrolman
had the nerve to ticket me

Just for putting on mascara.

I mean, can you believe it?

Suzanne, were you
putting on mascara

While you were driving your car?

Well, of course I was.

I always put
make-up on in the car.

That's what they got
all those mirrors for.

Anyway, I can't stay.

I got to return
stuff to the mall.

I got some lingerie at that
washington's birthday sale.

What better way to
commemorate the birth

Of the father of our country

Than by selling pushup
bras at half price.

I assure you, I did not
buy a pushup bra, o.k.?

Those are for
small-busted women.

If I wore one, I
wouldn't be able to see.

Well, that's it.
I'm out of here.

And thank you
very much, suzanne,

For giving me that
image to lug around

The rest of my life.

Since you're going
to the mall anyway,

You can just take
bernice. Bernice?

What do you mean, take bernice?

She came over
looking for someone

To take her shopping. Bernice!

No way.

Oh, my goodness.

Julia, I think I fell
asleep on your bed.

Well, that's all right, bernice.

I didn't drool or anything.

I appreciate that.

Although I did have a dream

That I was in that movie

I danced with a wolf.

I was a buffalo.

Suzanne's going to
take you shopping.

Good. I need help
picking out a gift.

There's a very special
occasion coming up.

What's the special occasion?

Well, olita daniels

Was all set to
marry old man merkin

At hillcrest leisureland.

We were going to give
her a wedding shower,

But then he ran off
with his 25-year-old nurse,

And since he has
really bad angina,

We decided to change the shower

Into a "he'll probably be
dead within the month" party.

I've never heard of
that kind of party.

I wonder if hallmark
has a card for it.

Trust me, they don't.

I get invited to these
parties all the time.

I'm glad to hear that, suzanne.

That means you'll
be the perfect one

To take bernice
to buy her present.

Julia!

Suzanne, what is your problem?

I don't want to take
bernice shopping.

I'm not in the mood

To put up with her goofy stuff.

What are you talking about?

What goofy stuff?

Like riding up and down
in the glass elevator

Singing what kind of fool am I

And sneaking security
tags out of stores

To see if the
alarms are working.

Listen, suzanne,

I don't care if bernice
does the backstroke

In the fountain
while whistling dixie.

You are taking her.

No.

Not until you ask me nicely.

All right.

Suzanne,

Would you please take
bernice shopping at the mall?

Yes!

See how much easier it is

When you ask me nicely?

You'll never believe
who I just saw!

Elvis.

No, but good guess.

Thank you. I heard
sightings were up this month.

Who did you see?

After I took quint
to the dentist,

We stopped by pete e pizza's.

This waiter looked
exactly like the man

Who mugged me last year.

Oh, my gosh. What did you do?

I was so scared, I just bolted.

Poor quint ate cheese
doodles for lunch.

I'm not completely
sure it was him.

I don't want to go back alone.

Would y'all come
with me for a look?

Course we will. I have time.

Let's all go right now.

Let me get this straight.

Y'all are going to
some kiddie pizza parlor

Where there's lots
of screaming brats

To stake out some lowlife
pervert purse snatcher?

That's right.

Come on, bernice. You
and I are going shopping.

If you do see the
man that mugged you,

Don't you be nervous.

We'll call the police
and have him arrested.

Excuse me.

You're not feeling good?

Actually, I don't feel too well.

Maybe it's the
smell of this pizza,

Or perhaps it's this
acute sensitivity I have

To an innocent person
being sent to prison.

You have to be
absolutely 100% sure

This is the guy who mugged you.

Hi. I'm your waiter... Norman.

Aah!

I think she's sure.

Want me to grab him?

No. I want to go
home. I can't do this.

It did happen a long time ago.

So he took my purse.

He didn't use a g*n.
I should forget it.

You have to turn him in.

You were afraid to go
out alone for weeks.

I got over it, o.k., Charlene?

If mary jo wants to
allow that sociopath

To violate her rights,
steal her property,

And get away with it,

Thereby encouraging
even more barbaric acts

Against perfectly
innocent citizens,

Then it is her right to do so.

That's right.

Excuse me.

Officer, I'm so sorry to
bother you on your break,

But... Could you
arrest that clown?

I had no idea it
would take so long

To file an arrest report.

I wish anthony was here.

Anthony's got a
fever. He's home in bed.

We can handle the situation.

Look at charlene.

It is not fair.

There's only one
person in this room

Who's not totally repulsive,

And she's got him.

Julia.

Julia! Julia, do you want me

To trade places with you?

No, charlene.

I've waited an
hour for this seat.

This is my seat,
and I am keeping it.

Despite its obvious
disadvantages.

Shively, mary jo!

Yes, that's me! I'm
mary jo shively!

Don't tell me. Your entourage.

No, no.

They're just my friends
here for moral support.

For a purse
snatching a year ago?

Did he thr*aten you physically?

Well... How much
money was stolen?

Well... I think it
was around $4.00,

But he got my beeper
and make-up bag.

It was a real cute purse.

I know this might not
seem like a big deal to you,

But I was the victim of a crime,

And I've seen the
man who did it,

And I think he
should be punished.

O.k., Lady. It's your right.

I've got to find
your old report.

Have a seat. This
may take a while.

Gee.

I just had no idea

There would be so
much red tape involved.

Why don't you go on home?

No!

We're not going to leave
you with these people.

Don't be silly. I'll be fine.

I'll just sit where
charlene was.

I'll be fine. Go on home.

O.k. See you later.

See you.

Hi.

My friends who were
with me had to go,

So... So I was wondering...

If I could come sit next to you.

My name's mary jo shively.

A pleasure to meet you.

You know, suzanne,
I have to admit

I'm just a little bit surprised

You decided to make
your shopping expedition

With bernice a weekly date.

I'm very proud of you for it.

We all know how much
it means to bernice.

Well, that's just the
kind of person I am.

No, no, it's not, but
thank you anyway.

Hi.

Hi.

How did the
preliminary hearing go?

Fine. They charged
norman with a 16-8-40,

Which is the penal code section

For robbery by snatching,

Which is, by the way,
in the state of georgia,

A felony.

I had no idea it was a felony.

Julia, it was so exciting.

You'll have no idea what
norman's last name is.

Bates.

Norman bates!

People should be more careful

What they name their children.

Remember that grace slick

Was going to name her child god?

Of course, it was the sixties.

Later she thought better of it,

And she named
him something else.

Charlene, the hearing.
Norman bates. Remember?

Right, right. Right, right.

Anyway, after the hearing,

We stopped by the
library for a few law books

So I could prepare my case.

The prosecuting attorney
is supposed to do that.

Yes, except my prosecutor
looks like he's 15.

He smells like oxy-5,
and I swear to you,

He wears a ninja turtles watch.

I think he only passed
the bar exam last week.

Can you imagine the
nerve of that norman

Getting up there and
pleading not guilty?

He got up there
and out-and-out lied!

Well, you would
think he had no morals.

Mary jo, of course he lied.

That is what criminals do.

Well, norman bates
is going to rue the day

That he ever messed
with mary jo shively,

Because I am mad as hell,

And I'm not going
to take it anymore!

Excuse me for cussing.

You're excused.

Well I just wanted
to say just one thing

What ever you do just
remember your receipts.

What receipts. What
are you talking about?

I don't know... I just know that

Judge wapner person
on tv gets real upset

If people don't keep
all thier receipts.

Oh and if you lose don't
talk to that doug liewelyn

Guy out in the hallway,
he just rubs it in.

I wish we'd gone to the
courthouse with mary jo.

There's no point in all of us

Waiting there all day.

She promised she'd
call once she got close.

Hi, everyone.

Is that a new scarf
you're wearing?

Yeah. Isn't it gorgeous?

Yeah. You've been
sporting some new gewgaw

Every day this week.

Come to think of it, suzanne,

You've been
suspiciously cheerful

Ever since you started these
little shopping trips with bernice.

What's going on?

Nothing's going on, julia.

Her friends said they
wanted to go with us,

And so I took them.

Afterwards, they bought
me these little presents...

You know, show
their appreciation,

Sort of like a tip.

And so the next week,

Some more of her
friends wanted to go.

They got me little
presents, too.

It's become a regular thing.

I call it the suzanne
shopping club.

I see.

So what you're basically saying

Is that you've become
an extortionist.

We're all consenting
adults here.

Everybody's getting
what they want.

Suzanne, I am appalled!

This is way over the
top, even for you.

Now read my lips.

As of this moment,

The suzanne shopping
club is terminated,

86'D, out of business.

In other words,

Elvis has left the building.

O.k. Hurry up, girls.

Step lively. Time is money.

Suzanne, I'm so
sorry we're late,

But margaret here insisted
on finishing her dialysis.

I'm so sorry.

Please don't be mad.

We thought we'd all chip in

For something special
to make it up to you.

You know, bernice,
suzanne was just saying

How she looks forward
to her time with you all,

And she'd like to
show her appreciation

By returning all
those little presents

You've given her. Isn't
that right, suzanne?

All right.

She's not going to take
us shopping anymore?

I'm afraid not, bernice.

As a matter of
fact, suzanne insists

On spending the entire
afternoon with you all

Treating you to anything
else you'd like to do.

And under no circumstances
may you respond

With anything other
than a simple thank you.

Isn't that right, suzanne?

Well, ask me nicely.

All right.

O.k., O.k., O.k.,
O.k. I'll do it!

Oh, girls, let's see

If chippendale's has a matinee.

I'm going to get you
for this one big time.

Hi, mary jo.

Want to go with us
to see some naked men?

Maybe next time, bernice.

O.k.

Mary jo?

Mary jo, what are
you doing here?

Why aren't you at the trial?

Trial?

What trial?

I got up at 6:00 this morning,

Crawled down the 285

At the peak of a rush hour,

And then I can't
find the courthouse!

When I finally find
the courthouse,

The parking garage cost $15.

When I finally find
the courtroom,

The clerk tells me

The judge has had to have
an emergency root canal.

Could I come back
this afternoon?

So I don't really believe

That there's
going to be a trial.

I'm just a faceless
docket number,

Suspended forever in some
kind of judicial purgatory.

You want me to drive you
down there this afternoon?

I'm not going back.

Mary jo, you have to go back.

You can't be serious.

Please spare me your
donkey girl scout speech

About my civic duty.

This thing has sucked
up my time for weeks,

Not to mention that people
have treated me like I was crazy!

You can't stop now.
You're so close.

Rocky wouldn't have stopped.

Rocky was stupid,
o.k., Charlene?

Mary jo, listen,
I know it's hard,

But what's the
point of having laws

If we don't use them?

We might as well
put our valuables

In the front yard with a sign

Saying "help yourself.

Thank you for not
dismembering my family."

I know. I know. That's
why I started this thing.

It's no wonder people never
prosecute these things.

You can't keep your
righteous indignation

Fired up long enough!

But you are going back.

Yeah, I'll go back.

I just hope this whole
thing is worthwhile.

I'm sure it's going
to be. Aren't you?

Charlene?

You really think
rocky was stupid?

It's almost 6:00.

Will they ever call your case?

I hate to say this,

But I'm kind of disappointed.

This isn't anything
like l.a. Law.

I guess that lawyer looks a
little bit like corbin bernsen,

And the court
stenographer's hair

Kind of reminds me
of jill eikenberry's,

And... I guess that bailiff
could look like benny.

Course, you know, he's
not Ret*rded or anything.

And if that judge's bald spot

Were just a little
bigger... Charlene!

Suzanne, what are
you all doing here?

Well, it certainly
wasn't my idea.

That chippendale's place
was closed, thank goodness.

There's something
very wrong in the world

When women pay men to have
them take their clothes off.

I made the mistake of
mentioning your trial.

I tried to take them elsewhere.

Oh, she's just mad

Because we thought
this would be more fun

Than watching her get
her pores vacuumed.

Shh.

The next case is

The state versus norman bates.

That's me! I'm here!

Where are my notes?

In your hand.

Your honor, I object.

To what?

Well, what are my options?

Sit down, bernice.

Your honor, before we begin,

After conferring with my client,

The defense has decided
to accept the deal

Offered by the prosecution.

What deal? What's
he talking about?

Haven't you heard
of plea bargaining?

We reduce charges in
exchange for a guilty plea.

We get to go home early.

Does the prosecution
have any objections?

No, your honor.

I want him to fry.

Mr. Bates, how do you plead?

Guilty... Your honor.

You're hereby convicted
of the charges against you.

Per agreement by
the prosecution,

And taking into account
it's your first offense,

This court sentences
you, norman bates,

To one year in county jail,

To be suspended, and
one year probation.

This court is now adjourned
until 8:00 tomorrow morning.

That's it?

A suspended sentence?

What did you expect,
death by lethal injection?

Mary jo, this is great.

You won!

What's so great about it?

The creep steals my purse
and gets off scot-free

Because it's his first offense?

Does he have to get
four under his belt

Before it's really a crime?

Thanks to you, he's
got a record now.

Next time they won't
be so easy on him.

Big deal.

I know it's kind of a letdown.

They should give you something,

Maybe even just a t-shirt

Saying "I helped
prosecute a felon.

All I got was this
lousy t-shirt."

It's going to be
o.k. Let's go home.

All right. I feel
really cheated.

I'm not rocky after all.

Rocky won.

I can't believe this!

You people don't know
anything about rocky at all!

Rocky didn't win!

He didn't win the first time.

Everybody just
remembers it that way

Because he was their hero

Because he had the
courage to go the distance.

That's what you did.

You had the courage
and went the distance.

I did do that, didn't i?

Yahoo!