05x24 - The Pride of Sugarbakers

[bunniefuu]

That's the last time
I go to that place.

It was full of bag
ladies and poor people.

It was just
downright depressing.

It also made my skin crawl.

Where did you go?

The public library.

Here's your book.

I'm going to wash my hands.

Is this all you checked out?




Checked out?

You think I'd stand in line

With squalling brats and misfits

And people like that?

I got too much class for that.

I stuck it under my
coat and left $5.00.

Suzanne!

"You be the ump."

I guess that could be helpful.

It's embarrassing, you
coaching a little league team.

Why? Quint and
randa are on the team.

Sugarbaker's is sponsoring it.

It makes sense.

I'm not the first woman
coach in this league.




Nobody has a problem
with it except you.

When I said it's embarrassing,

I didn't mean because
you're a woman.

At first, I was a little worried

About you calling
us by our last names

Or letting the hair
on your legs grow out,

But now basically
I'm just embarrassed

You've lost the first six games.

So what?

It's great, boys and girls
playing baseball together

Just for fun.

When I was growing up,

All my brothers and I needed

Was a field, a
broomstick, and a potato.

A potato?

Not a good potato.

We had to eat those.

They changed the schedule.

For our next game,
the sugarbaker giants

Are playing the
speedy dry cleaners.

Speedy dry cleaners?

They're sponsoring a team?

Thank you, anthony.

If you weren't third-base coach,

I'd never have attempted this.

She knows a lot.

You should see her
handle a fungo bat.

Of course, I let anthony
handle the guy stuff,

Like handing out
the cups to the boys.

Just to the boys?

That's right.

Well, that's not fair.

I suppose the girls drink
straight from the hose.

Here I'm thinking that
everything is all equal,

And the girls
don't even get cups.

Charlene, they're
protective cups, o.k.?

Oh.

Oh.

"You be the ump." What's this?

Suzanne stole that
from the library.

I was boning up on the rules.

Read me some of
these questions here.

See how I do.

Hi, everybody.

Hi.

I'll be outside practicing.

Doesn't randa look
darling in her uniform?

Sure does.

"A batter swings at the ball,

"Getting only a piece of it.

"The ball ricochets
off the catcher's glove,

"Bounces off the
umpire's forehead,

"Then back into
the catcher's hand.

What would you do, ump?"

I'd go to the hospital

And get my forehead x-rayed.

If it was a potato,

That game would be over.

I'd call it a foul with
the batter still up.

No, mary jo.

Since the ball hit
the catcher's mitt

Before hitting the
umpire's forehead,

The batter would be out.

If it touches the
catcher's mitt first,

It could bounce off the sun.

If the catcher catches
the ball, the batter's out.

That is absolutely right.

Where did this come from?

Payne played peewee baseball.

I spent many an
afternoon up in the stands.

That was before females
were allowed to participate,

But I certainly enjoyed it.

Maybe I should hand over

My clipboard and
fungo bat to you.

We're just playing for fun,

And I certainly don't
want to push the kids.

But we have lost
six games in a row.

I know what your problem is...

You just don't know
how to kick little butts.

What suzanne is so
eloquently saying

Is that you should feel free

To take the role of leader.

There's nothing wrong
with healthy competition.

That's right.

I'll never forget the
coach who molded me.

Little league?

Not exactly.

You might call it the
ball and chain league.

In prison?

That's right.

Our coach was t. Tommy reed.

That dude played to win.

For example, I will
never forget this play.

We had a runner on first

And a runner on third.

T. Tommy flashes the
signal to the runner on first

To steal second.

At the same time,

He signals a guy on the bench

To fire a zip g*n
down into the ground.

When the runner on
first hears the sh*t,

He falls to the ground.

While everybody is
figuring out who sh*t him,

The runner on third steals home

And two guys escaped.

Is that legal?

Let's just say that it worked.

I'm not recommending that
you try that particular play,

But don't be afraid
to push your players.

Go out there and
get them all fired up.

You're right.

That's what I'm going to do.

Next game, they'll see
a new woman out there,

And that new woman
is going to be you.

One out, top of the 5th.

The score is speedy
dry cleaners, 7,

Sugarbaker giants, 2.

Oh come on were dying out there.

Sussan can't you be supportive?

While I'm on the subject

Don't you think your
a little overdressed

For a little league game?

No I do not.

Just because I'm
sitting here with a

Bunch of these trashes
parents dosen't mean

I have to dress like them.

I am the owner of the team
I have a standard to set.

Come on, sugarbaker's!

Up at bat for
speedy, daisy arnold.

Quint shively
pitching for the giants.

Go get 'em, big guy.

Bring him some heat,
sweetheart... I mean quint.

Ball one!

Did that look like a ball?

Yes, mary jo, it did.

Ball two!

That was right across
the center of the plate.

At about ankle level.

Come on, ump!

Ball three!

Don't you think I should
do something about this?

I certainly do.

Time!

Yeah, what is it?

Well... That last pitch.

Yes?

I thought it sort of
looked like a strike.

It did, did it?

Well, in my opinion.

As a matter of fact,

I thought the last three pitches

Looked like
strikes, in my opinion.

Come on, look at the pitcher.

He's just a little boy.

Give him a break.

It would help his self-esteem

If he could strike
one person out.

Lady, you must be confusing
me with phil donahue.

Come on, let's play ball.

We're losing.

I know.

We won when I pitched.

I know.

He's throwing cheese out there.

When mrs. Shively said
she'd say something,

I thought she'd talk to quint.

Why don't you do it?

I'll have to.

Ball four!

What are you doing?

Stealing the other
coach's signals.

When he pulls on his hat,

The batter takes a pitch.

This means steal.

He's doing this. What's that?

I think that means bunt.

No, he's just picking his nose.

Foul ball!

Oh, my lord. Give me those.

Oh, he poked a
hole in my caddie!

Well, I cannot believe that ump.

He's so by the book.

I simply pointed out

That since quint's smaller
than the other children,

He ought to be allowed
seven or eight balls

Instead of four.

Time!

What are you doing?

Mary jo, we need to talk.

Pull quint out of this game.

Why?

He can not hit the strike zone.

What are you talking about?

You know that area

Between the batter's
knees and shoulders?

He hasn't hit it.

That is not true.

You're right. He hit
that child in the stomach.

I say we pull quint
out and put randa in.

Julia, come on.
We have a policy...

Everyone gets to play.

Quint got to play.
Randa's going to play.

Substitution. Warming
up for sugarbaker's...

Number 3, randa oliver.

What's going on?

Sorry, sweetie.
I'm taking you out.

Mom, don't do that.

I knew this would upset you...

I meant don't call me "sweetie."

Oh.

Randa oliver now
taking the mound.

Mark fitzer batting
for speedy dry cleaners.

I thought the game
was about having fun.

Of course.

Not winning.

Ball one!

Ball? What ball?

Did that look
like a ball to you?

Ball two!

This is ridiculous.
Come on, ump.

That's enough out of this bench.

What do you want, extra strikes?

Extra time?

Maybe you'd like me to
skip around the bases

Telling stories to the children.

I want you to get
a pair of glasses.

Excuse me?

Maybe a seeing eye dog.

You're out of the game!

I'm out of the game?

I'm out of the game?
Well, you're ugly.

Get her out of here.

You probably have

A dangerously high
cholesterol count.

Well, ladies and
gentlemen, it seems we... Hey!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Will the parents of
the juvenile delinquent

Who broke my windshield

Please come to the
announcer's booth?

And bring your
checkbook. Thank you.

Go, giants! Go, giants!

Go, giants!

Go! Go! Go!

Yay! Yay! Whoo!

I've got a practically
brand-new car

With a big hole
in the windshield,

And that boy's parents
didn't even step forward.

Well, I'm going to hunt
them down like dogs.

Let's celebrate. We
finally won a game!

Randa, go wash up.

Show quint where
the guest bath is.

O.k.

Yay! Yay!

Well, he's just devastated.

He doesn't seem
devastated to me.

He led the cheer when we won.

What is it about winning
that is so important?

Mary jo, there is nothing wrong

With a little competition.

We've been over that.

Yeah, but she's right.

It seems like you
can't get away from it,

And not just in sports.

I remember when
olivia was 10 months old.

We went to the park,

And a lady with her
baby went after me.

She said, "when did
your baby cut her teeth?

"Mine cut her teeth at 6 months.

My baby took her
first steps at 9 months."

I thought I'd given birth

To the most perfect
creation in the universe,

But I've got this toothless
blob that just lies around.

There's a word for you people

That worry that
competition's a bad thing...

Losers.

Actually, there's
another good word...

Wusses.

There's a whole
lot of good words,

And I used to yell all of them

Out of car windows
after beauty pageants

When I'd drive by the
girls I'd just beaten.

I don't have time for this.

I have to get my
windshield replaced.

Come with me, o.k.?

What? Why do I have to go?

I have to convince them

It was broken when I bought it

And I didn't
notice it until now.

Come with me in case
they doubt my honesty.

Suzanne, no. This
isn't going to work.

Well...

Just us coaches left.

Good. We need to talk.

About what?

About how we run this team.

O.k., I lost my temper
with the umpire.

Right, I did.

But he wouldn't have
ejected me from the game

If he hadn't been frustrated

With your ridiculous requests.

Ridiculous? How
were they ridiculous?

"Let's play without
keeping score."

That's not ridiculous?

Why do we have to keep score?

That's how we play
baseball. It's competitive.

Tell her, anthony.

Yes, anthony, I'd really
like your opinion on this.

Well... Baseball isn't
really all that competitive.

Compared to other
sports, it's kind of gentle.

That's why it's a
good game for kids...

Because it's a friendly game.

It doesn't seem very friendly

When your son's at the plate

And people in the stands shout,

"He's no batter!
He's no batter!"

What do you expect?
It's the opposing team.

Why did you have
to join in with them?

You were out of control.
Wasn't she, anthony?

Well now, julia,

You did remind me of that scene

In to k*ll a mockingbird

Where atticus finch has
to sh**t that rabid dog.

But perhaps not.

I guess I'll let you
two head coaches

Thrash this one out.

I'll put the equipment away.

You're upset because I
took quint out of the game?

I understand why you
took quint off the mound,

But did you have to
take andrew keever

Out of batting order, too?

Mary jo, he knocked
himself out with his own bat.

I noticed randa played
nearly the entire game.

Randa happens to be
an excellent athlete.

She has a lot to teach
the other children.

And my son has a lot to learn?

He can't even run
the bases in order.

It's first to second,
not first to third.

He tried to steal right field.

He was not stealing!

He said he saw a bunny!

We shouldn't act
like some children

Are better than others.

It's supposed to be fun.

Some of the children are
better than the others.

How much fun do you think it is

For them to lose every game?

Look, I think I know
what your problem is.

When we were growing up,

Little girls were taught
it wasn't nice to compete.

So now I think almost all women

Feel just a little uncomfortable

About straight-out competition.

You sugarbaker girls
don't have a problem with it.

Right.

It's a genetic aberration.

Yes, you're right, julia.

I don't have a competitive
bone in my body,

But you are overcompetitive.

You always have
to come out on top.

I do not always have to.

It just usually
works out that way.

Well, let me remind
you of something.

The meek shall
inherit the earth.

Yes, but they will
not keep it very long.

That's it!

We are arm wrestling!

Right here! Right now!

You can not be serious!

What's the matter... Chicken?

Bak, bak, bak, bak, bak...

Alright ok you're on!

Go, mom! Go, go!

Go, julia!

Go, mom!

Uhh!

That's cheating!

Yes! Go, quint, go.

You got it, you got it. Go!

Yeah!

All right, mom. Way to go!

Well...

I think we just
established something.

What's that?

I do have a competitive
bone in my body,

And I think I just broke it.

It's the 5th inning here,

And we've got a doozy of a game.

The sugabaker giants, 5,

The mason's garage blue jays, 5.

Blue jays batting,
with two men on.

Randa oliver pitching
for sugarbaker's.

If you load one more
piece of gum in your mouth,

I think it will explode.

I'm under stress, julia.

Since we've switched roles,

I'm going to be tougher,

You're going to be
more diplomatic, right?

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Ball three!

Randa's throwing
beach balls out there.

You want to pull her?

What do you think?

Ball four! Take your base.

Blue jays got the bases
loaded. Two men out.

We ought to put quint in.

All right.

Time!

Randa!

Go get 'em, tiger.

Thanks, mom.

Good girl. Have some gum.

Say, buford.

What is it, julia?

We have a substitution.

Our new pitcher's
quint shively, number 12.

Why, thank you, julia.

You're welcome, buford.

Very nice. I expect you
two to be slow dancing

Before the end of the game.

Now warming up for the giants...

Quint shively.

Hey, quint! All right!

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

I can't take this tension.

Where's suzanne?

She's in the parking
lot guarding her car.

I thought she parked
way out in the corner.

She did, but she got antsy

About all those foul balls.

She just grabbed
a mitt and took off.

Ball one!

Ball? What ball?

Julia.

It was a strike, buford.

Never mind, quint, never mind!

You can do it.

Come on, buddy!
Show us what you got!

Foul ball!

I got it! I got it!

I swear, that car of hers
is like a lightning rod!

The play is to the plate, baby.

Mary jo, their coach
is flashing a bunt sign.

Quint, it's going to be a bunt!

It's a bunt. Quint, get it!

Safe!

No! No!

Julia, it was safe.

Now, you sit down right now.

He was out by a mile.

I'll handle this. He
won't change his mind.

You won't, will you?

If you little gals want
to play all your players,

That's your problem.

But you got some
klutzy kids out there,

Especially that uncoordinated
runt on the mound now.

That...

"Uncoordinated
runt on the mound..."

Has improved about 200%

Since the beginning
of the season.

That is what it's
all about, isn't it?

Whatever you say, honey.

Come on. He's not
going to change his mind.

No, he's not. He has no mind.

What?

He has no eyes, and
he has no manners.

Mary jo.

I will handle this!

But he does have
a great big belly,

Bad breath,

He's a sexist pig,
and he has no mind.

That's it. You're
out of the game!

He is a cro-magnon
man with no mind!

There seems to be a little
disagreement on the field.

Give me that mike.

Oh, no. Not you again!

Let me have that.

Nobody gets out of here

Till I get my $100 deductible!

Well, to the victor
go the spoils,

To the defeated, herb tea.

No caffeine. You
two can't handle it.

Thank you, anthony.

It's funny how logical it seemed

To go after that ump,

Like the most natural
thing in the world

Would be for me to
feed him his face mask.

I think it's safe to say

That you have overcome
your fear of competition.

Well, watching
you two in action,

I've come to the realization

You're not cut out to
coach little league baseball.

I think next year

We ought to sponsor
a hockey team.

O.k., Come on.

When I told you I'd
teach you how to catch,

I meant someday. Like never.

How about today?
Today's the day. Come on.

All right. One little quick one.

O.k., Good.

Julia, what do you
think the life expectancy

Of that window
behind suzanne is?

He's right. Let's swap. Come on.

Hold your mitt up like this.

When the ball hits your mitt,

You cover the ball
with your other hand.

All right, here we go.

Fire one in here.

I'm going to throw
one nice and easy.

Fire one in here.

Well, that never would
have happened with a potato!