02x04 - Keys Phone Cash ID

[bunniefuu]

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Oh, my God, you're up.

- Good morn'ting.
- Good morn'ting.

- How long you been awake?
- Couple hours.

Actually, I already have your coffee.

- Oh.
- And I got you some road snacks.

Joel, you know I'm not
much of a morning eater.

- (GIGGLING)
- Bad little puddy cat, what's in here?

Oh, my God. A muffin, a scone...

And is that a bagel bite?

Come here, you little honey.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

- That is delicious.
- (JOEL GIGGLES)

I'm almost beginning to believe
that you really care about me, Joel.

- (GIGGLES)
- Sam!

I just wanna make today
a little easier for you.

- It's gonna be fine. I'll be great.
- (LAUGHS)

But are you gonna be okay without me?

Yeah, I'm gonna run some errands.

I have to flip my
house, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm thinking maybe
I'll get some steps.

- Excuse me?
- (LAUGHS)

Joel, no! Come on!

I'm gonna be stuck in a car all day.

I'm in a deficit. Don't get that many.

Okay, fine. I-I'll heave my
body into a shopping cart

and have someone push me around all day.

My feet won't touch the ground.

- Great.
- (LAUGHS) Great.

- (GIGGLES)
- Alright. You need me to finish?

- (DROPS PEN)
- Yeah. (SIGHS)

I know I need to finish
it on my own one day,

- but I just don't get it.
- Let's go to the back.

People think just because I
got tits I ain't got no brains.

Wait, that's the answers!

- Oh, that's why it's so easy.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

(LIGHT THEME SONG PLAYING)

(WHEELCHAIR RATTLING)

(PHONE CHIMES)

MARY JO: When are we
getting our stuff back?

- What do you mean?
- (PHONE CHIMES)

- MARY JO: 'Cause those assholes will steal it.
- No, they won't, Mom.

- MARY JO: I can drive back tomorrow.
- (CAR DOOR OPENS)

(SIGHS) Okay, thank you.

- Um...
- (DOOR SHUTS)

D-did you not tell her
she's going to Wichita?

Oh. Uh...

No, that's up to the
family to talk about.

f*ck.

- I mean, we're f*cked.
- Okay, no. Um...

Well, I'm just gonna tell her.

- You're just gonna tell her?
- Yep.

Hey, Mom, you're not going
home. You're going to Wichita.

You have been a nightmare,
and we have to fix your meds.

- Okay? So.
- Uh...

Ooh!

- That was impressive.
- (PHONE CHIMES)

Yeah, well, I have
sh*t to do, so... Here.

- What, am I driving?
- Yes, you're driving.

- But you hate my driving!
- Just drive!

- Well, don't pick on me.
- (CAR DOOR OPENS)

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

(TEXTS WHOOSHING)

(TRICIA SIGHS)

(PHONE CHIMING)

(CHIME)

(MARY JO COUGHS)

(TEXT WHOOSHES)

♪ ♪

(QUIET CHATTER)

(SIGHS) What am I doing?

What am I doing?

(SIGHS)

(INAUDIBLE CHATTER)

(SOFT LAUGH)

What am I doing? No.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Well, I haven't been to Wichita

since we used to go
there for swim meets.

(TEXT WHOOSHES)

(TEXT WHOOSHES, CHIMES)

What's that place we used to stop at?

- Get that okra and sh*t.
- (TEXT WHOOSHES)

- What, Olpe Home Cooking?
- Yes.

Oh, my God, I love that place.

(PHONE CHIMES)

So... good.

Pull over. I need cigarettes.

We're not stopping for cigarettes, Mom.

- (MARY JO SCOFFS)
- (TEXT WHOOSHES)

You're not my mother.

(TEXT WHOOSHES)

- Your husband left you.
- (SCOFFS)

And you never, ever...

ever even had a husband.

Well, we're still not
stopping for cigarettes, Mom.

And she lives right over there.

And so, I was close to the church.

I was able to just walk over,

but it was really something.

I've never seen an
allergic reaction like that.

I'm sorry Sheila wasn't here today.

Well, good to see you. Take care.

Joel!

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God... Hey!

I saw you sitting there in your LeSabre.

Well, 'cause, um...

You know...

Uh, 'cause I got a phone
call, and then, um...

And then, I wanted to text back,

but I don't like to text and drive.

So, I just pulled in here,
and I texted them back.

And now, you know,

just going around, doing
stuff today. (WEAK LAUGH)

I don't text and drive either.

- Oh, that's so good.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Do you wanna...
- I... Oh sorry, you go ahead.

You want a coffee?

Oh, I have a coffee.

Cookie?

It's fellowship hour.

Um...

That's okay.

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

Want some... gum?

- Sure. (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)

Oh wow.

God, Wrigley's. I used to get these

in my Christmas stocking growing up.

- It's a real throwback. Thank you.
- Yeah?

You're welcome. Can we, uh...

You can never really go
wrong with the classics.

How about a walk?

It's such a nice day.

Um, yeah. Sure.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You're turning that off?

You won't get credit for your steps.

Oh, it just makes my arm feel tingly.

(CHUCKLE)

- Hm?
- Yeah.

God, this is a boring state.

(TEXT WHOOSHES)

- I don't think so.
- MARY JO: There's nothin' to look at.

- (SIGHS)
- Mom, you love Kansas.

MARY JO: Who said?

I love New York.

- You've never been to New York.
- MARY JO: You don't know.

- You hate cities.
- MARY JO: You don't know.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna pull into a semi

- in about five minutes.
- (TEXT WHOOSHES)

- You're driving too fast.
- SAM: Oh, my God.

- Mom... Would you...
- Slow down!

- You are, like, miles over the limit.
- Just please!

- (TEXT WHOOSHES)
- It's fine.

Well, I mean, do you wanna
get a ticket? Do you want that?

- You have to get a little thing on your license.
- (SIGHS)

I don't care.

I just wanna get this over with.

MARY JO: You can just drop me
and go off and have your fun.

(LAUGHS) Yeah...

I'm having a great time.
Trish, you having fun?

Oh, my God, so fun.

I wanna go home,

but you won't let me.

Won't let you? What
are you talking about?

You know, Mom, this is not our fault.

This is not Dad's fault.

This is your fault!

You kept drinking when
they told you not to,

and then you had a stroke,

just like the doctor said you would.

- Sam...
- I'm... Well, it's true! And now, and now...

and now, you treat everybody
around you like sh*t,

especially the one person
that will tolerate you.

I mean, and then... and then,
you block him from visiting you?

Do you know that you
broke his f*cking heart?

Just please be quiet and let me drive.

- I can't wait to get you there.
- (PHONE CHIMES)

- And turn off your f*cking phone! Seriously!
- sh*t. Okay.

(SAM SIGHS)

- MARY JO: We used to go...
- Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

I always tell my kids,
do what makes you happy

and you can't lose.

And I love teaching,
of course. And woodwork.

But... I don't know.

- I really love singing.
- (SIGHS)

I felt a little silly at first.

And then I thought, why not?

Who says I-I can't take
voice lessons at my age?

So, I called Darlene up,

and I've been seeing her ever since.

Hm. How long has that been?

Oh... five years now? Yeah.

You're really good.

- No. No, I'm not.
- (LAUGHING)

No... No.

Well, you're very passionate!

True! I am very committed,

- but I know I'm not a good singer.
- (GIGGLES)

Who cares? I love it.

- Yeah.
- And...

the kids seem to get a kick

out of old grandpa really goin' for it.

- And it's good for them to see that.
- (LAUGHS)

Plus...

- I think I'm Darlene's favorite.
- Oh! (LAUGHS)

I will deny it if you ever
tell anyone I said that.

Alright. I guess it'll
just be our little secret.

- Alright.
- (GIGGLES)

♪ ♪

Um, so, do we... do we go
in there with her or how...

Oh, it's up to you.

We have all the
paperwork and everything.

Sometimes, it's easier
to say goodbye out here,

but, you know...

- Um...
- Alright.

Love you, Mom.

Okay, Mom. It's gonna be okay.

We love you.

Just take good care of her.

We will. Ready, Mary Jo?

Bye, Mom.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

I know Dad would've wanted to be here,

but... this would've
been t*rture for him.

You think the good part of
Mom is ever gonna come back?

No.

(SOFT CRYING)

♪ ♪

(PHONE DIAL TONE)

JOEL: (ON PHONE) Hi, this
is Joel. Leave a message.

Hey, I don't know where you
are, but tonight is no longer

a designated non-drinking
night. Call me.

- (APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)
- Hey.

What are you... W-What's
going on? What is that?

I don't know, I'm just
focusing on my heart health.

- Oh. Alright.
- (PHONE CHIMING REPEATEDLY)

Hey, are you on Bumble or
something? What is that?

No! I'm not on Bumble. It's
nothing. Don't worry about it.

No, it's definitely something,
and if you didn't want me

to know about it, you should've
turned your f*ckin' ringer off.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- But now I know, now I'm invested.

Just tell me what's goin' on.

What's the big deal? (LAUGHS)

Oh, my God... Oh, my
God, did you make that?

I did, yeah.

Are you selling "lying c**t" pillows?

- Yes, I didn't mean to...
- Tricia!

I know! It just happened.

- Wow.
- After I found out about Rick and Charity,

I made one, and then
got really mad again,

and posted it on my Finsta.

And then, someone famous reposted it,

and now... I mean, I
can't keep up! It's insane.

Oh, my God.

Did you give one of those to Charity?

No!

I just put it in the store
where she could see it.

- Holy sh*t, Tricia.
- (LAUGHS)

Wow. And you have a Finsta.

- Well, it's a good outlet for my rage, you know?
- Yeah.

I don't know, I mean...
I think you could make

a ton of money on that.
You're sittin' on a gold mine.

Oh! I don't know what to do.

Well, what do you mean? You're doing it!

- No, I can't...
- You are doing it, Tricia!

- I cannot do this. This is not...
- Of course, you can.

This isn't a business!
This is like making p*rn!

- It's not p*rn.
- I mean, this is just too embarrassing.

- This is not who I am.
- Well, I mean, but it is.

I mean, you made it, and
it's f*cking glorious!

Lying c**t pillows!

sh*t! Why didn't I think of that?

No, I wanna be a businesswoman though!

I wanna be, like,

taken seriously as a
businesswoman, you know?

I wanna do events.

I wanna do weddings and
showers and luncheons.

I mean, we can't talk
about this at church.

Okay, so don't.

B-But, I want to.

- Okay, then do!
- I know, but I can't.

Why not?

I just...

I worked so hard for so long,

and now, there's nothing to show for it.

Nothing came of it. It's over.

And now, people see me, and...

they just look at me
and feel sorry for me.

- No, they don't.
- Yes, they do.

No, they don't, Tricia. And if...

if they do, who cares? They're jerks.

f*ck 'em. (SNIFFS)

Right? f*ck 'em.

(SAM LAUGHS)

I just think, um...

you know...

all these people doing
all that sh*t on Instagram.

Why not you, right?

You could quit your day job.

Um...

What? (LAUGHS)

I got fired.

You got fired from the grocery store?

Yes, which was your fault, by the way.

- Oh, okay. How?
- Because you made me do day drinking!

- I can't do that.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

You got fired for being
drunk at work, Tricia?

- It's not funny. (LAUGHS)
- Oh, you bad girl.

- It's not funny! It's not a joke!
- It's a little funny.

- It's really bad!
- Okay, I'm sorry,

but seriously, a grocery store?

I mean, bigger and better things, right?

And I could totally help you with this.

Think of it. You could
do, like, "princess c**t."

- You could do "pretty c**t."
- (LAUGHS) God...

- What's happening?
- You could do "super c**t,"

- "c**t crew," "live laugh c**t."
- God...

- "New c**t, who dis?" Oh, my God!
- (LAUGHS)

- "Big and juicy c**t," Tricia!
- Sam! Shh!

- Loud!
- You gotta make me a "big and juicy c**t" pillow.

♪ Big and juicy c**t ♪

♪ Are you ready for a
big and juicy c**t... ♪

- Stop!
- ♪ ... America? ♪

♪ Ooh, she big and juicy, too ♪

♪ You like what you see?
That's a big and juicy c**t ♪

- (HONKING)
- Good! Good! (LAUGHS)

Sorry! We're just...

- sisters, you know?
- (TRICIA LAUGHS)

- She wanted me to talk about...
- No! No.

(LAUGHS) I can't. My big
and juicy won't fit in.

- (LAUGHS) Too juicy? Too big?
- Too juicy.

I'm gonna slip right off the seat. Okay.

- Where are those g*dd*mn okras?
- (LAUGHS)

♪ ♪

Do you ever go to that
arts and crafts fair

that they have here in the spring?

Love it. Like, my favorite thing.

- Hm.
- I got this bracelet there.

Oh, I saw those.

Huh.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Um...

I saw the name of your
church on your tote bag.

And when Sam stopped taking lessons,

I wasn't sure when I'd
see you again, so...

it's not a coincidence
that I ran into you.

So, you do text and drive?

(LAUGHS)

I actually never do.

- Okay, good.
- (SOFT LAUGH)

Wow.

Wow.

(LAUGHS)

Feels kind of nice to be...

- stalked I guess has a negative connotation.
- (LAUGHS)

Does it? (GIGGLES)

- Wow.
- I just wanted to see you again.

I was gonna just go to the service.

See you there.

But I've been on a little
break from church lately.

I just don't even know
what I believe anymore.

I don't know.

Been having this personal
crisis lately, too, because...

my friend asked me
to officiate his wedding.

You know, just be there for my friend.

And it's not even a religious ceremony.

You know, he doesn't want that, but I...

I get in my head...

This isn't what you asked, is it?

I don't think I asked a question.

(LAUGHS)

But thanks for telling me.

Really.

I believe the whole point is

church is where you go to

when you're confused.

JOEL: Hm.

And you also don't have to do anything.

Just show up. Just...

go to church.

Or don't. (LAUGHS)

- You know?
- Yeah.

But if you want to, you
should come with me sometime.

I'd love to come with you sometime.

(SCOFFS)

You ever bless an animal?

No. Have you?

Yeah. I did a goat once.

You blessed a goat?

- Mm-hmm.
- That's pretty cool.

(LAUGHS)

But, you know,

- nobody likes a braggart.
- (LAUGHS)

♪ ♪

(LEAVES RUSTLING)

TRICIA: Hm...

(WINDOW SQUEAKING)

TRICIA: Let's just do this quickly,

so we can feed the chickens,

- and we'll get out.
- Yes, Tricia.

Oh, we got a letter from Dad.

Aw, read it.

Oh, yes.

"I didn't know which of you to
send this to, I sent it here.

I figured you would
both get it at the farm.

I'm grateful you pushed me to do this,

and I really am okay.
Don't worry about me.

I'm here with my brother,
and it's like we're kids again.

I know your mom wouldn't see me,

but I hope to tell her that I love her,

and she's always on my mind.

Love, Dad.

PS, say hi to my buddy Fred.

If you have any farm
questions, he's the guy."

- And then, he drew a little cow.
- (LAUGHS)

- Sure. (LAUGHS)
- Just a long torso

like you've never seen before.

- And four udders. Two long, two short.
- (BOTH LAUGH)

- It's part dachshund.
- Guess those are both of our legs.

- My long ones and your little itty bitties.
- (CLUCKING)

TRICIA: Good girls.

Elaine... Oop!

Chick, chick, chick.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

- Hi! Susan, hi!
- Hey, Fred.

Sorry to come by unannounced,

but Fred wanted to show me the farm.

TRICIA: No, it's great. It's great.

- SAM: We're just feeding some chickens.
- (LAUGHTER)

You ever fed a chicken before, Susan?

- No.
- Come on, let's get dirty.

Okay. Oh, oh, okay.

- Just some worms.
- They're dead.

- Sure.
- Yeah.

- (GIGGLES) Hi.
- Clea. Come here.

FRED: Chicken, chicken, chicken.

- They do whatever the f*ck they want.
- Here they come! Here they come.

♪ ♪

- FRED: Hey.
- (SIGHS) This place is so magical.

Must have been fun growing up here.

- Well... Yes and no.
- Peaks and valleys.

(LAUGHTER)

- It's pretty though.
- Yeah.

How'd you guys...

How'd you feel about
getting married here?

Really?

Yeah, I think, um...

I think it'd mean a lot to my dad.

- Oh, babe. That's amazing.
- I love that.

- Are you kidding around?
- You don't have to let us know right now.

You can think about it
if you want, you know.

I-I want to.

- This is beautiful.
- This is perfect!

We can get you probably,
like, friends and family rate,

- five, K, you know?
- (GIGGLES)

- Alright.
- Just for the night, then, of course,

we'll have to, uh... There's
gonna be the reception,

so that'd be another five, K.

That's alright. I had a
great year at the school.

And, you know, she's great with numbers.

See, they pay teachers too much.

- Yeah, we'll make it work.
- No, it's on us.

We can f*ck it up, do whatever we want.

But this is gorgeous. I mean,
this is absolutely stunning.

It is, and you can see all
the sunflowers over here.

And we just cleaned out the barn.

- Coincidentally... Yes!
- SUSAN: We could party in the barn?

It's probably only gonna work for you

- if you love extreme natural beauty.
- (LAUGHTER)

- We love it.
- I do! I'm marrying it!

(ALL CHEERING, LAUGHING)

♪ ♪

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

- Oh, there you are.
- Hey!

Hi, I called.

- Did you get my message?
- Oh, I forgot my phone. Sorry.

- Did you do the song?
- JOEL: What song?

♪ Keys, phone ♪

BOTH: ♪ Cash, ID, keys, phone ♪

Cannot believe it. I
not only forgot my phone,

- I forgot that song.
- (SIGHS) Joel.

- JOEL: But, guess what?
- What?

(COCKTAIL SHAKER RATTLING)

- Is that the sound of children laughing?
- (GIGGLES)

- It's better than children laughing.
- (SIGHS)

- Most everything is.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, thank you. Teeny 'tini.

(JOEL GIGGLES)

- Give mommy a kiss.
- (JOEL LAUGHING)

- That is a triumph.
- JOEL: Well, thank you.

(SNIFFS) What a day.

- Tell me all about it.
- After this hits the blood.

(BOTH LAUGH)

How about you?

Tell me all about your
day. What'd I miss?

- (SNIFFS)
- Um... Nothing?

You look, like, refreshed or something.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Colonic?

No! I would never get a colonic.

I would. (LAUGHS)

- Well, I'll probably try it if you want me to.
- (LAUGHS)

No, I-I guess I just...

I don't know. I'm shining with pride

- 'cause I scrubbed the grout in my kitchen.
- (LAUGHS)

Any guest that comes
there is gonna love it.

- Wow, you made fast work of that.
- Oh yeah, well...

- I think you might need a little top-off.
- Oh yeah. Thank you.

This family sh*t. (LAUGHS)

I swear it was so much easier
when I just didn't care.

(LAUGHS)

There really is something to be said

for lockin' it down and goin' it alone.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, sorry. You've got me now.

(LAUGHS)

Joel, I swear, just promise
me, when we get to the end,

if I turn up like my mother,

you will put me out of my misery.

- A pillow right over the face.
- (LAUGHS)

That's exactly the way I wanna go.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Ah, Joel, I'd be a shell without you.

Mm...

You want another twist?

Only if you think I'm worth the trouble.

- Thank you.
- Plus, I didn't get a lot of steps today,

so I'm gonna go for it.

I mean, what is it? It's just vodka.

But it's so good.

JOEL: Oh, honey, you know
I infuse it with love, too.

(LAUGHS) Oh, thank you.

I like it when you put the twist in.

Like, if there's one
twist, I know I've had one.

If there's two twists,
I know I've had three.

And if I have three twists,
I can't have any more.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- You think we can get a DUI for this?
- Nah.

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- (INSECTS CHIRPING)

- Too bad! I wanna break the law!
- Joel.

(LAUGHING)

- You know what I want?
- What?

I want a donut to go with my 'tini.

- Let's go to Varsity Donuts.
- (GASPS) Yes!

- Oh, my God. And that is why I love you!
- (GASPS)

- Did you just say what I think you just said?
- No, no, no, no, no!

It's all the 'tinies you poured me!

- Oh, my God!
- I've gone soft!

- You said it! You can't take it back!
- (LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

SAM: How many 'tinis
was that tonight anyway?

JOEL: Oh. Don't worry about it.

SAM: (LAUGHS) Woo!

("I LOVE YOU" BY KARRIEM PLAYING)

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I... love you-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ You know I do-hoo ♪

♪ How... ♪

♪ Many times ♪

♪ Must I tell you, girl? ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Do... ♪

♪ I have to play... ♪

♪ The fool to show ♪

♪ I do-hoo? ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Just... ♪

♪ The sight of you... ♪

♪ Causes crazy notions... ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo... ♪