03x03 - You the People

[bunniefuu]

[QUIRKY DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Did they f*ck?

[GRUNTS]

Disappointing.

What the f*ck am I doing?
What the f*ck am I doing?

What the f*ck am I doing,
what the f*ck am I doing,

what the f*ck am I doing?

What the f*ck am I doing?
What the f*ck am I doing...

I'm assuming the question's
rhetorical, but if not,

you're pacing and muttering insanely.

What the f*ck am I doing today?

Today, you will give a
voice to the voiceless.

One should never listen to one's
subjects. Who knows what they'll say?

I'm interested in what they have to say.

You're not. It's a trick
you've played upon yourself

after that American with
his rat coat and his rat cock

and his rat cunning whispered
"We the people" in your p*ssy.

These are my f*cking beliefs, and
I will bring the people with me,

and to do that, I must listen to
them, hear them, respect them...

Catherine. Lie to them,
to yourself, but not to me.

The only time a leader
should listen to his subjects

is when they're screaming
whilst being tortured,

chanting your name in adulation,

or whispering your name
gratefully as you eat their p*ssy.

- You're very helpful.
- Hmm. As always.

- Sarcasm.
- I didn't read it so.

Abandon the conference.

I have peasants, merchants, nobles,

representing every region
of Russia gathered together.

I cannot abandon...

just because it might be a
miserable failure that destroys me.

You're the empress.

You say, "I changed my mind.

Instead, we're all
going beaver hunting."

You're the worst leader imaginable.

Spoken like someone who's never
seen the joy and camaraderie

engendered by beaver hunting.

- [CATHERINE SCOFFS]
- Hmm?

It will be fine.

Oh, I'm glad I didn't k*ll you.

- A sentiment I share.
- God, I'm actually f*cking excited.

It's the greatest day of my reign.

You're mad.

Which we have now established is good.

The Nakaz: Ideas and
Thoughts for the Conference

of a New Legal Code and Approach

to the Administration of a New Russia.

- Well, that's a catchy title.
- I think so too.

- Sarcasm.
- Oh. I didn't read it so.

What is it?

A list of some things I
wished to do during my reign.

You can add them to your goals.

Ah!

"A monkey for every village."

"Rename raspberries Peterberries."

"All animals should be carpaccio'd

and the best tasting
made the national dish."

Visionary.

Why are you two never making a
baby when I walk in unannounced?

It's really grinding my nerves.

- Ready for our greatest day?
- Oh!

- Gosh.
- Are you all right?

Back in Peter the
Great's old apartments.

- It is, uh...
- Yes, our new home.

We're to have drinks
tonight to celebrate.

Oh, I get this rush of memory.

Being taken against that wall.

Oh, on all fours on this rug.

- Oh f*ck.
- ELIZABETH: Oh!

Oh, you replaced the bed.

Good idea after what
we did to the old one.

- We really don't need to do...
- Oh, and right here.

Being held aloft on his face,

as he drove his tongue...

[SIGHING]

- Are you...
- Cumming?

[GASPING] Hyper...

ventilating!

Ohh!

[STATELY THEME SONG PLAYING]

Looks better.

Maggots. A wonderful
fusion of nature as science.

Also tasty on toast when
paired with foie gras.

My right arm is paralyzed

since I started drinking
this solution you gave me.

Oh, sh*t.

[BOTTLES RATTLE]

I've got to start labeling these.

It's the wrong one, sorry.

- It'll pass.
- When?

Well, the human body is a mystery,
so I can't give you a when.

Yet you can give me
something to paralyze me.

Well, medicine is art, not science.

Yet you keep calling it science.

What the f*ck is she playing at?

There's peasants here. f*ckin' peasants.

You don't think it exciting?

Gathering representatives
from all classes, all regions.

Something giddying about it.

No, I don't. I think
it's f*cking madness.

Because change is never
good for the nobles.

Never.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Jesus Christ.

f*cking Simitz!

He's in the courtyard!

What... ?

[GROANS]

[DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS]

Uh...

The equality of the citizen consists
in that they should all be subject

to the same laws.

Hmm. Peasants!

Ah, welcome to the future.

I hope you have enjoyed
the readings from the Nakaz.

I am so excited to have you here,

gathered from all over to
bring the peasants' experience

to make this new Russia.

So, let your voice be
heard for the first time

and give full throttle to it!

A great day beckons.

See you in there.

- Who was that?
- Don't know.

They're going to k*ll us, aren't they?

Not if we do as we're told.

They might do it just for fun.

At least we got to see the palace.

A big day, Empress.

Indeed, Archie.

Shall I speak to the peasants,
tell them God's on your side?

I have done it, and counseled
them to give free and full voice

to their thoughts and desires.

I wish to hear them pure.

Interesting strategy.

Might I suggest, speaking of strategy,

today the "when" is more
important than the "what"?

- Understood.
- Something easy.

When this is done in a few months,
they will return to their regions

feeling that they have a
stake in this new Russia,

that they have had a hand in it.

And then change.

- [BRANCHES THWACK]
- [GROANING]

Hey, you have three nipples.

Royal blood, thins at the top.

I have six toes.

Fantastic!

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Your wife's making history today.
- Hmm. Mad.

f*cking mad. I'm so
glad you can see that.

Of course, listening
to the people? Madness.

- It is.
- It's what you did, right?

- [THWACKS]
- Yep.

My legacy, f*ck me...

is "the man who lost Sweden."

Yours is "the man who lost Russia
to the woman who lost Russia."

It's just an opinion,
don't flare your eyes

like you're going to s*ab me.

What else did you do?
Our reign was short.

No beards. But she turned that around.

[THWACKS]

And I was building a giant church
bell, the biggest in Europe.

But we... we didn't...

finish it, and, uh...

[STEAMING WATER POURS]

Maybe we did so little, we won't even be

the tragic footnote we look like.

Hugo, shut up about that, I don't
care. I have other interests.

[THWACKS] My wife, my child.

Why these horses won't f*ck.

Grigor, where the f*ck have you been?

I had branches and sent a message.

- I was...
- Hugo stepped into the breach.

- To the reliability of kings.
- Hmm.

- They f*cked yet?
- They have not.

And it's very dispiriting.

I'm to create a European
superhorse, my own breed.

It's weird being back in
Peter the Great's apartments.

It seemed the best space,

and it's customary for
the emperor to live in.

I just didn't want
to when I was emperor,

but Catherine and I need our own space.

Hard not to feel him here,

booming voice shaking everyone
with laughter and fear.

Us cowering in the corner.

Grigor, step back.

Take it from me, we kings don't
like to talk of our fathers.

It hurts our stomachs
and makes our eyes itch.

So true.

Look at this f*cking horse,
he's not even f*cking hard.

We have soft music and candlelight.

I thought they'd like
the privacy of indoors,

but no luck.

[VIOLIN PLAYING SOFTLY]

One of you should get him hard.

How would we do that?

A firm hand and a friendly eye.

I would love to, but I have small hands

that cramp up with motion, so...

Oh, well, Grigor, you're
the man for the job.

Fluff the horse?

Grigor, Grigor, Grigor, Grigor!

BOTH: Grigor, Grigor, Grigor, Grigor,
Grigor, Grigor, Grigor, Grigor...

f*cking Simitz is here.

- What?
- At court?

Thinks you're dead.

Out in the regions, some
people think you're dead.

I'm not.

Who's Simitz?

Long story, only known
by his lifelong friends.

[FRENCH ACCENT] Here is the
day, the promise delivered.

I bow before you.

[SNIFFS] Oh, you smell magnificent.

Like you have rolled around in
some freshly cut grass and...

[SNIFFS] ... douched with half a peach.

Thank you, Voltaire. I have
not done any of those things.

A shame.

Orlo would be proud.

Thank you. I have thought
of him much this day.

He would have loved it.

He believed in you for quite
a long time until he stopped.

I came to say good luck.

Thank you. It is...

A massive, pointless,
self-aggrandizing, f*cking book club.

You're in your element.

I guess you stopped
trying to make up, then?

Indeed, Empress.

I have, on account of me
being right about all of it

and you being a bitch about all of it.

I think they're almost ready.

[SIGHS]

CATHERINE: What a joy it is to see this.

Nobles, merchants, and
peasants all gathered together.

Welcome to the Nakaz.

We are here to do the
historic, and also fun, job

of remaking Russia.

Open your hearts, clear your
throats, let us have at it.

Can the peasants not look us in the eye?

Smolny, sit!

Where to begin on this incredible day?

Let's go boldly.

- [SOFTLY] Oh, dear.
- Indeed.

Who here has had someone
they love m*rder*d?

Felt that pain?

Or have k*lled, and felt that pain?

And known in their marrow the
damage they wrought to the soul

in the taking of another human life?

Today, we will outlaw m*rder.

- What the...
- f*ck?

- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
- Huzzah!

I am right beside you, as always.

I will take that fucker's eyes
and then spend the next week

winking at them on my desk.

- GRIGOR: Huzzah!
- Fantastic. I'm here for you.

Some context would be great, though.

[THUDS]

He was going to the conference.

Right.

[EXHALES GRUFFLY]

- What are you doing?
- f*ck!

I cannot step on Catherine's thing.

It will only interrupt
them for a minute.

True, but maybe not.

Probably not a good idea

to fill the air with blood spray

when she's hoping for enlightened words.

Later. f*cking later!

GRIGOR: You're a good husband.

I try.

- You're going to k*ll him, though?
- Of course I am, Arkady.

f*ckin' weird question.

♪

Empress, with the deepest respect,
what the f*ck are you talking about?

The merchants echo Smolny

with a strong, "What the
f*ck are you talking about?"

[SLURRING] Show some
f*cking respect, shopkeeper!

Velementov.

MERCHANT: The thr*at of
m*rder underpins all contracts.

The law will.

Sanctions, t*rture, imprisonment.

And then they... f*cking walk away?

Bottom line: any c**t
can walk away from a deal.

This is f*cking bullshit on a plate.

A power grab by the
Empress, dressed up as, as...

[STARTSEV COUGHS]

Of course, interesting and
worth discussing, respectfully.

- ARCHIE: Hmm.
- Indeed.

MERCHANT: The cost is our point.

We will not know what it costs
us until we are freed from it.

I have a question.

Hypothetically speaking, say I
s*ab someone five times in the back

but he doesn't die.

We're all good with that, right?

Once Igor put seven mole rats in a bag,

took them out of the field where
they were playing blissfully,

but suddenly at close quarters, a
trapped distrust grew between them,

and in the morning, six were
dead and one looked bewildered

and sad at what he'd done.

This is us.

Well, that's a weird f*cking story.

k*lling has become an easy answer

to questions we cannot be bothered
to answer in any other way.

This will force us to search

and will elevate our souls and
spirits when we find those answers.

Don't be f*cking animals
anymore, is the point. Simple.

[POLITE APPLAUSE]

That f*cking peasant looked at me again!

Smolny, sit the f*ck down

or I'll put a hole in you!

Over a f*cking peasant?

Really, Velementov. Take a
good hard look at yourself.

Is anyone else getting the irony?

Peasants, I would love to hear from you.

The peasants, clearly they
have everything to f*cking gain.

This is an att*ck on the nobles' rights,

as we have the right to k*ll anyone.

We know what they're going to say.

Raskolvy, sit down.

Um, I'm sorry, I thought
we were here to be heard.

I'm a bit confused.

Peasants, please, speak.

We...

- We...
- You may speak.

Weigh your words well.

I just said they could speak.

PEASANT: Thank you.

We like m*rder.

Good peasant. Bravo.

Yes. We believe the current
situation is adequate.

When nobles can k*ll you with impunity?

Yes, as the God almighty wills it.

- He also says "Thou shalt not k*ll."
- You don't believe in God.

Doesn't mean he's always wrong.

Can you k*ll us?

- Me?
- [CROWD MURMURING]

- I'm not...
- The state?

Of course, we f*cking
can. It's not on the table.

k*ll everyone in the
room if we feel like it.

[AUDIENCE GRIPING, MUTTERING]

But we won't!

Quiet the f*ck down!

[WOMEN SCREAM]

[SILENCE FALLS]

Well, will the state k*ll?

Yes, the state must
reserve the right to...

- [ANGRY MUTTERING]
- What the? This is ludicrous!

We should live free of the
state deciding our lives.

Freedom from tyranny!

I'm not f*cking tyranny!

Figure of speech, Empress!

I'm completely with you on
this, I just got a bit swept up.

Will we get a vote?

Vote! Vote! Vote!

[CROWD CHANTING "VOTE!"]

We must be behind our
Empress, we must back her,

as she is heaven sent to...

change you f*cking animals into biped...

[GROANING]

Oh, God...

[SHRIEKS]

[MOANING]

[CROWD MURMURING]

Clearly time for an adjournment.

Call Vinodel to help her.

Bravo! Bravo!

This is so much better
than I'd hoped for!

[GARGLING]

Ahhh! [INHALES DEEPLY]

[GROANS]

Whenever I get the need
to k*ll and it is stymied,

I get this f*cking headache

that only ice-cold water will stave off.

Your blood won't still
until his does spill.

Ooh, f*cking good, Arkady.

I need to eat something bloody.

Tell the chef to grill me a pheasant,
raw, as if it had just been sh*t.

Love to hear the story on this guy.

You should be concentrating on
getting our f*cking horse hard, Hugo!

Hey, hey. Yelling? Come on, hug Hugo.

- I don't want to hug.
- He's not hugging you.

I don't want to... [GROANS]

HUGO: Come on. [SLAPS PETER'S BACK]

You will spill his blood
soon and will be at peace

in your big old heart
and your fizzing veins.

Exactly! You're right, Hugo.

'Tis a good day. He is
back and I get to k*ll him.

- Cup half full.
- Of his blood.

Fantastic! [LAUGHING]

[IMITATING g*nf*re]

[MAKING CARTOONISH NOISES]

Why are they doing that?

- Ah-choo!
- Ugh!

[LAUGHING]

- HUGO: Great!
- Right, okay, great.

Let's get this horse hard!

Someone get me a glove!

[CHEERING, LAUGHING]

Grigor, Grigor!

[MAKING SILLY NOISES]

Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Yeah! [IMITATING HORSE WHINNY]

[EXHALES]

Well, that was close
to going horribly wrong.

Toes on the precipice, for certain.

Saved by Georgina of all people.

No m*rder? You did come out strong.

att*cked our greatest
and most loved pastime.

I had to go bold.

You are you.

Exactly. But I have
to win the first one.

Can we claw it back?

Or should I say, "Hey,
let's all go beaver hunting"?

- Would let us reset.
- A retreat would look like a loss.

God, I can't believe the
peasants are against it. f*ck!

And almost everyone else.

The peasants have
never crossed the nobles

without ending up at their own funeral.

They'll follow their lead
unless unpicked from their fear.

Perhaps I can help with that.

I want them to speak freely,
Archie, that's why they're here.

And we also want to win.

Yes. And that. And that's
why I now have you two.

Go forth and be persuasive.

[SIGHS]

[COUGHING]

What were you doing in there?

Drunk.

- Sorry.
- You're always drunk.

No, it's something else.

I...

I cough a small amount up each day.

Who knows how much is left inside?

Probably a lot.

f*cking hell of an autopsy that'll be.

You should go.

But don't wear white.

Did you see Vinodel?

I know what it is...

and I know what it means.

No. No...

- I won't allow it.
- Oh.

Well...

take a vote on it.

Actually, I've made a few enemies...

so maybe don't.

You should take time
away from your duties.

- Rest.
- No, no, bad idea.

All I have is my duties.

Please.

I'd beg on my knees,
but I'd never get up.

Okay, but...

Vanilla.

- You smell of...
- Don't make it weird.

And your breasts

are like firm translucent apples.

[CHUCKLES]

Fucker.

Just... less booze, perhaps.

I'll pull it together, I promise.

And see Vinodel.

Catherine.

Between you and me.

[BALALAIKA PLAYING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

Darling?

I found this in the hall.

[SIGHS]

f*ckers!

As well as various pages
used to wipe various arses.

"No m*rder" may not have been
the most savvy move for day one.

No m*rder? That was your...

I wanted something bold,

that spoke of my ambition, of
our capacity to rewrite ourselves.

You would not be you if you did not.

[SIGHS] Thank you for saying
it like it is a compliment.

It is.

You always have my list to fall back on.

Kind.

I will persevere.

I must turn my airy ideas into steel...

and will.

I will win.

I am me, I will pull this off.

Small thing. I have to
k*ll someone tonight.

- What?
- Yeah, I vowed to k*ll him years ago.

He disappeared, the coward,
and now he has come back.

I am trying to outlaw m*rder.

I apologize for the timing,
but the c**t is dead,

so if you aim to come in now with
argument in your heart and mouth

rather than love and support
for your husband's needs, do not.

Have you not been listening?!

I am out there, risking
my rule on an idea.

- A stupid idea.
- A beautiful idea!

You will not k*ll him.

I will.

No m*rder? How are we
to settle grievances?

I have a range of options:

imprisonment, t*rture,
garnishing of land and wages!

Many ways.

They seem dull.

Also, if you were a curious wife,

interested in the emotional
life of one's husband,

you might ask, "Why, dear one?"

I don't care why. There is no why!

He used to trip me.

- What?
- In front of my father, he would trip me.

They were close friends,
and in this room,

when Grigor and I would
come to see Father,

as we walked towards him, he would
find a way to trip one of us...

- Trip you?
- ... and then...

Are you f*cking kidding?

Well, f*ck, behead him immediately.

There is a woman in the salon

whose breath was bad and blew
it my way, I shall k*ll her too!

She could just take
some peppermint lozenges,

but you should set your
boundaries as you wish.

My head is going to explode.

- And then after he would trip us...
- Oh!

Is this tragic story still
going? Let me pull up a chair.

Father would laugh, and Simitz
would say, "I might f*ck them."

And he would jump on us, pin
us, and pretend to f*ck us

as he banged our heads into
the floor and hard humped.

We... we struggled and Father
roared with laughter and...

- What?
- [CLEARS THROAT]

And sometimes he would cum.

Jesus.

Ooh!

[GROANS]

I could not go against
him, because Father...

well, he preferred him and...

I was .

Peter.

When my father d*ed,
my first thought was...

Well, my first thought
was, "Daddy's gone,

I don't know how to live, how to be."

But my second was, "Get Simitz,

cut his cock and hands off,
scoop out his eyes, barbecue them,

kick his face to a pulp, flay
his torso and salt his raw flesh."

The order of that may be wrong.

My darling.

I have to k*ll him, Catherine.

Because you think it
will take your pain away?

Mm. It will.

When I k*lled you, or thought I
had, it did not take my pain away.

But you loved me more than you hated me.

I will not let you do this.

You're worried I'll embarrass
you at your conference?

A good leader doesn't give a f*ck

about the thoughts of
his subjects, foreigners,

or anyone other than
what is in his own heart.

- [KNOCK AT DOOR]
- Your guests have arrived.

Of course, Lev, just a moment.

[PETER CLEARS THROAT]

Remember, there is
only now, and now is us,

fizzing drinks and f*cking horses.

PETER: Mm.

I will join you presently.

I have the sorest hand, and to no avail.

Very stubborn, very flaccid horse.

Hi. You will not believe...

- Stop!
- What?

Whatever you were going to say.

We are going to pretend
that nothing exists but us.

We're going to the lake,

we're going to swim
naked in the moonlight,

make love in the moonlight,
and feast in the moonlight.

Doesn't have to be in that order.

If you're hungry, we can work backwards.

f*cking Hugo.

That guy is a poison in the system,

and I know it, and he knows I know it,

and I have known Peter
and loved Peter...

Oh, f*ck Peter!

f*ck her. What about us?

Are our lives lived at their whim?

Is that a rhetorical question?

Is there any possibility we
can leave them behind tonight?

I have to go to be there for Peter.

No, you don't! She doesn't!

Actually, no one does.

GRIGOR: I do.

I could listen to this all night.

What do you want?

My husband and I are required
at Catherine and Peter's party.

No one buys your "I love
Catherine" show, Georgina.

I mean, her p*ssy must taste
like bitter fruit, Grigor.

Fair warning, I am going
to punch you in the face.

Marial! George, shut up!

Grigor? Are we going?

I...

It's sort of tense,

but we all know who he's choosing,
and it's not either of us.

Just go.

- I love you.
- I hate you.

I'll come as soon as I
crush Hugo in front of Peter.

And depending on how Peter's
feeling about the Simitz thing.

And depending if there's
crème brûlée for dessert

or George needs fingering.

I do need fingering, actually.

I love you.

Bye.

Grigor.

Simitz.

k*ll the c**t.

We will.

Hello. They got you. Great.

Empress!

I have wronged your husband,

but my three years lost in the
desert have led to my enlightenment.

I deserve to die, but
hearing you speak today,

I know that a new Russia is born.

I, and the eight nobles I
bring from Vladivostok region,

are in lockstep with you.

My husband wants to k*ll you.

You mustn't let him.

How would that look?!

Yes, obviously pretty f*cking bad.

Still, I have much
sympathy for his position.

We must find a way to satisfy his rage.

I am at your whim.

Glad you understand that.

All right. Come. Let's go.

You're not taking me to him?

I am.

Uh...

I think that is a very bad idea.

And I do not, so return to the
"I am at your whim" statement.

[SIMITZ GROANS]

[HORSE HOOVES CLOPPING]

[COURTIERS CHATTING, LAUGHING]

You want a drink?

You look like you need a drink.

Too agitated.

Until I k*ll this f*cking guy.

Peter! Son of Peter the Great!

I beseech your forgiveness.

Bring me a f*cking blunt butter
Kn*fe. I want this to be slow.

- [SIMITZ GROANS]
- [COURTIERS GASPING]

A f*cking Kn*fe!

I hurt you. I know I did.

I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

- No!
- k*ll me if you must.

I will and I must.

I'll get my own f*cking Kn*fe!

Terrible service!

- SIMITZ: Empress!
- [SOFTLY] Peter.

Catherine, step aside.

Let it go. It will
not take the pain away.

Why don't I k*ll him and then
I will tell you if it does? Hmm?

If it doesn't, you were right,
and if it does, I was right.

A real experiment in the
emotional life of humans.

- Science.
- Nobles of the court!

In a moment, this man's blood will gush

and my husband will have blackened
his soul and ours with it.

- Huzzah!
- Shut the f*ck up.

And you will all be reassured
that we are all alone

and living at the whim of
each other's pain and madness,

that any moment could be your last,

that there is no rhyme
or reason to our lives.

This is the Russia I
try to leave behind.

For all of us.

The floor is yours, husband!

Hmm. Well, you've really taken
the fun out of this moment.

SIMITZ: I'm really sorry.

It just made your father laugh, and
I was always so f*cking terrif...

Shut up!

[WHISPERING] I'm begging you.

For us.

To Catherine the Great!

- Huzzah!
- [APPLAUSE]

[COURTIERS SHOUTING "HUZZAH!"]

And to Peter the Third! Huzzah!

- [SCATTERED "HUZZAHS!"]
- [APPLAUSE AND JEERING]

Keep the f*ck away from me.

[SIMITZ GROANS]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You best f*ck off, sir, and quickly.

I need a drink. Grigor?

Where are you? A drink.

Champagne cocktail, vodka sh**t,

followed by a spritzy
little crème de menthe thing

I've been toying with. I
mean, where the f*ck is Grigor?

f*cking servants. Never
there when you need them.

f*ck!

[PETER GROANS]

- Oh, the spritzy one is cheering.
- Isn't it?

You piqued my interest.

So silent and still, and yet...

something.

- I like to listen.
- As do I.

You're a very rich, very busy man,

and you elected to come to
the Nakaz for two months.

I'm a patriot.

Oh! So strange how one gets a shiver
up the spine when people say that.

I serve Russia.

Well, she is Russia.

Hmm.

She wants to hear our voice, apparently.

Indeed. She wants to hear your voice
hearing her and yelling "Huzzah!"

Well, she's opened the
door to something else.

We will have a say in Russia. Finally.

No m*rder. Hmm?

Insane.

[SOFT LAUGH]

Is your arm numb?

It is a little, actually.

I poisoned your tea.

Which explains the arm and
possibly the lightheadedness.

The chest pain?

[PANTING]

[CHUCKLES] It's a kind
of yellow flower essence.

You smell it, you faint.

You drink it, well, your kidneys
die, and you shortly after.

[STARTSEV GROANS]

No m*rder.

How are you feeling about it?

- I am but one man...
- Who holds the merchants in his hand.

[GROANS]

One bite and in half an
hour, you will be fine.

A snake?

Nature.

All the questions and all the answers
in a delightfully chaotic form.

There'll be some throwing up shortly.

Try to answer before you black out.

Let me know when you've
made your decision.

Yes. Yes. Fine. You have my word.

It is known merchants are
not always true to their word.

Oh, I would hate for
this to happen again.

Me too.

My snake will only bite you once.

You know Peter the Great's family.
We don't give second chances.

Yes, very well understood.

A great relief.

[GRUNTS] Now... let's cure you.

Thigh or armpit?

[RETCHES]

Do you want us to undress?

Undress?

To be k*lled. So we
don't ruin the shirts.

The Empress does not wish
to k*ll you. You are spared.

- PEASANT : [SOFTLY] Oh?
- PEASANT : Whew!

Relief floods your faces.

And yet you seemed opposed to
the Empress' anti-m*rder bill.

Why?

We think she is a witch.

Her nose is small and
her skin too white.

She has a mole on her neck, a
hole where the devil gets in.

Sent to test us against our
masters to lead us into temptation.

It's a trick.

Say we hate m*rder, and
then the nobles m*rder us.

She is changing Russia.

She was not picked by God.

Oh, so you do remember Him, then?

God?

Because the way you've been acting,

you'd think it was the
nobles who you pray to.

She's not freeing us, is she?

They'll still own us,
even if they can't k*ll us.

At least when you can get
m*rder*d, you know it might end.

An optimistic spin on things.

Allow me to just
unpick this present fear

that you have stitched yourselves to.

Eternal damnation.

You familiar with it?

I'll just do a quick recap
for you while we're all here.

If you go against my wishes on this,

if you go against the Empress,
whom God has kept in power

since she rose to the occasion,

you will be cast down
to the depths of Hell.

White-hot waves of searing hellfire

will crash over your body

and pour into your lungs

so that you boil alive
from the inside out.

Locusts will crawl up
and into every orifice

and wriggle through your mind,

scratching behind your eyes.

There will be no end.

There will be no beginning.

There will only be suffering,

as a Kn*fe slices at your Achilles' heel

and a red-hot poker is rammed

up your arsehole on the hour,

every hour, until...

Oh, wait, there is no "until,"

because it will never end.

There is no time in Hell.

I might be wrong.

Some of you might not
get the poker thing,

but best to be prepared for everything.

Or, you can do as He wishes

and side with the Empress,

as she does God's work
for the good of Russia.

Your choice.

Either way,

He will know,

because He

knows

everything.

You look handsome.

- Don't.
- And me?

- A real vision.
- Thought so.

You can still screw me, you know?

You should still screw
me. We are married.

I'm with Marial. I love her.

I still screwed you
when I screwed Peter.

Often in front of me.

Exactly, as I wanted you to
feel we were in it together.

[SIMITZ MAKING "HUMPING" SOUNDS]

[SIGHING] Ohhh!

- [STATELY MUSIC PLAYING]
- COURTIER: Whee!

- Husband.
- Witch.

Thank you.

Sometimes it is hard to be
married, and then when we dance...

It is easy.

Indeed.

Honestly, don't you feel better

for not having blood on
your hands and soul tonight?

Hmm. I do have a kind of
peace about it, to be honest.

Because for now... ?

I'm happy.

Exactly.

Empress, I just wanted to say,

I saw you in trouble and I just
felt like a way out was needed.

But I was giddy anyway
from your boldness.

You faked the fit.

I thought I was very convincing.

You are a good liar, it seems.

Thank you.

I don't need you to trust
me or be friends with me.

In time, you'll see I'm
there for you, for Russia.

And in my heart, I'll
know I made a difference,

and that is all I want.

Right.

- Kings!
- Kings!

BOTH: Hooch!

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

- What?
- Look, I need a f*cking favor.

Of course.

We have put each other's lemon tops in.

Could you get me some
medicine from Vinodel?

It's not for me.

Who for?

It might be fun for
you to meet, actually.

[BALALAIKA PLAYING]

- I still don't understand.
You didn't k*ll him.

- You weren't here.
- You really weren't.

You were very not here.

It is a lot to get one's
head around... Simitz.

Yes, I know, but I decided it was
good husbanding to not k*ll him.

Happy wife, happy life. Huzzah!

Why are you in this conversation,
you crownless blond eunuch fuckhead?

PETER: Brrr! [LAUGHS]

It's the warmth with which I've
been embraced that I love here.

Simple answer, because kings get
kings, over-rouged peasant woman.

Peter, we will still k*ll him?

I don't know.

Maybe she's right and it doesn't matter,

blood spilt now doesn't
make the past disappear.

The f*ck it doesn't.

Agreed! Revenge must be taken!

Can we just focus on the horse? Okay?

I need you to help me get the
horse hard to f*ck the other horse

to create a new superhorse
that I will gift my son,

and no one is doing it!

I could stare at it, that usually works.

I'll fix it, Peter. Trust me.

I need all our
aphrodisiac. For the horse.

And how will you get hard?

Agnes, it hangs in the f*cking
balance. Have we got a plan or not?

Yes.

And once again, how
will you get hard for me?

I can do it, I promise,
when I'm relaxed!

Winning Peter will
get me hard, trust me.

[SIGHS]

Thought I smelled something nice.

It's you.

That looks bad.

Ah. Bit infected, it'll be fine.

Pugachev will outlive the cockroaches.

I'm Marial.

She'll steal some
medicine for your back,

and then I can go on top some nights.

Oh, that would be nice, for intimacy.

She stabbed you.

I wondered what had happened to you.

You must be the only one. Drink?

Do you want to come to a conference
up there with me tomorrow?

No, thanks. They'll probably
finish me off if they see me.

The f*ckers.

f*ckers they are.

He's a f*cking monster,
and she's as bad.

You want that drink?

I have no plans.

You need to watch Hugo.

I am.

What's with your "I
love Catherine" game?

No game, I truly believe in
what she's trying to do here.

As a woman, she will
change everything for us.

f*ck.

That's good.

I almost can't tell if you're lying,

until I remember it's you,
and then I know you are.

- Peter has to k*ll Simitz.
- I know.

He won't be able to live with it.

I know.

We have to help him.

Agreed.

We should f*ck, don't you think?

No. I don't.

So cruel.

Makes you even more attractive.

[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]

Can't sleep?

Can't sleep.

Me neither.

Maybe it's a sign that we should f*ck.

Not that we need a sign...

we're so good at it that
people should pay us to watch.

[CHUCKLES] That's funny, and
true, but alas, no f*cking.

Oh, go on. Why not?

She's always there now,
in my bones. In my blood.

Would feel strange. Would not fit.

You can be two things at once, you know.

You can f*ck me and love her, and
I can f*ck you and be loyal to her.

It's not hard.

Being at w*r with yourself is hard.

Even now, I look at you in that
dress and I remember the time

I f*cked you so hard in it, one
of your earrings fell out and...

[INHALES SHARPLY]

There's a slight pain in my chest.

So give into it and get inside of me.

No one needs to know.

I just don't want to. Not at all.

f*ck me.

Everything I used to own
now belongs to someone else.

Me too.

You're still the girl
I climbed a tree for.

You're still the boy I kicked a dog for.

[SIGHS]

I mean, he's got a skinful of
the finest Swedish slongful.

- Slongful?
- Just wait. Just wait.

Come on!

Grigor! Ha! I think
Hugo has readied them.

I have indeed.

Have you got anything, Grigor,
you want to offer up pointlessly?

f*ck off?

A sad way of saying, "No,
I don't have anything."

Saw Simitz last night.

He was smirking when he walked past.

- He what?
- Smirking.

And he made a f*cking sound.

- He f*cking what?
- [HORSE SNORTING]

He's... he's doing it!

GRIGOR: We need to do this.

We have a plan in play already.

f*ck me, look at that.

I can't keep dunking
my head in water, can I?

Peter... Peter, Peter,
th-they're f*cking!

You definitely cannot.

Oh-h-h-h-h!

And...

done!

[HORSE WHINNIES]

Amazing. Well done, Hugo.

Grigor, let's go.

Uh, where are we going?

It's a Russian thing.

Thanks. f*ck off now, Hugo.

I hate it here!

f*ck!

Hello. What do we think?

[SOFTLY] See for yourself.

Morning. Enjoy the day.

So now they're scared of
you instead of the nobles?

More God's wrath.

Being clubbed to death
by nobles is a light day

compared to eternal damnation.

So they will not be speaking freely,
as you f*cking terrified them.

The merchants are yours.

- What did you do?
- Oh, details, details.

Suffice to say, a new
idea is in their blood.

Right. I'll leave that alone.

But I fear no one believes anything.

But they are certainly against m*rder.

- That I saw in his eyes.
- We just played them.

Are you saying, "Well done
and thank you very much"?

- How I heard it.
- Funny.

Okay.

[SIGHS] The nobles are the unknown.

They make up two-thirds.
What do you think?

I don't think.

I prefer to know, and
I know we don't know.

So it is a risk to
call the vote to a head.

Beaver hunting?

Also, what if I win
and we walk out of here

and find my husband beheading Simitz?

Is that a win or a mockery?

You think he will?

I don't.

But it is all a risk.

So?

I love it when you're inscrutable,
makes things very dramatic.

[SOFT, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

What a rousing discussion
we had yesterday.

Huzzah!

But it's time to move on to the
first issue I wish to proclaim on.

"No m*rder," wasn't it?

[SCATTERED BOOING]

Much to say on that.

We will now move on.

That was a mere warm-up discussion.

We will discuss it properly later

as I analyze the
thoughts raised. Huzzah!

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

Now, the first proclamation
of the Nakaz to be voted on,

an exciting moment for all of us.

I move that every village in Russia,

no matter how big or
small, rich or poor,

will have their own monkey!

PEASANT: [SOFTLY] Oh...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Adorable!

Let us vote!

- Well, that should do.
- You thinking throat or heart?

I'd always imagined eye
whenever I thought about it.

Eye. Nice. You see the startle close up.

Exactly.

But...

what if I didn't k*ll him?

It would make no sense.

What if we just tied him
to a tree, tortured him,

let the animals f*ck and ravage him,
and then come back each afternoon

for a month and just
hurt him, then left?

- Seems time consuming.
- I suppose.

She'll never know. We'll see to that.

All marriages have secrets.

- Yours?
- No.

Actually, no.

Wish we did sometimes.

[MAN AND WOMAN LAUGHING]

Hello.

I disappear, your wife
will know you did it.

Now you don't have to lie.

You are a friend.

But...

[SIGHS]

[STRAINING, THWACKING HEAD]

You weren't the only ones
he f*cked with back then.

It's nice, the quiet after, isn't it?

Oh... it's the best part.

Sense of f*cking peace is...

Sublime.

- Congratulations.
- Marial, can you just not?

Monkeys eat rats like bananas.

So it is the step forward we dreamed of

when we risked our lives and planned
the coup against your husband.

Please go.

I have something to say.

Oh, sorry, would you
rather I not tell the truth

the moment I have it to hand?

Or are we not free to speak
our minds in your court?

Speak it if you are confident
it is a mind worth revealing.

Simitz wasn't there today.

You notice that?

You should go home.

It's been a big day.

No doubt your devoted
husband is running you a bath.

BOTH: Bloodbath.

It would be wittier if I
wasn't always ahead of you.

What a day.

Yes. You won.

I suppose.

Well, every town has a
monkey, that is a win.

You k*lled him?

Grigor sh*t him.

And you?

You need to sleep.

♪ I'm feeling it, I'm feeling it ♪

♪ I'm feeling it ♪

♪ But it's not my time ♪

♪ You're hearing it ♪
♪ You're hearing it ♪

♪ You're hearing it ♪

♪ But it's not our sound ♪

♪ Don't say you mean it ♪

♪ It's not what you wanted ♪

♪ I can't give you more ♪

♪ It's not what you wanted ♪

♪ I'm feeling it, I'm feeling it ♪

♪ I'm feeling it ♪

♪ But it's not my time ♪

♪ You're hearing it ♪
♪ You're hearing it ♪

♪ You're hearing it ♪

♪ But it's not our sound ♪

♪ Don't say you mean it ♪

♪ It's not what you wanted ♪

♪ I can't give you more ♪

♪ It's not what you wanted ♪

♪

♪ I stand ♪

♪ Where you stand ♪

♪ Watching my dreams fade ♪

♪ Oh, I don't miss ♪

♪ Don't miss this feeling ♪

♪ Watching my dreams fade ♪

♪ Calling me out ♪
♪ Calling me out ♪

♪ I'm not your answer to this ♪

♪ Watching my dreams fade ♪

♪ I'm feeling it, I'm feeling it ♪

♪ I'm feeling it ♪

♪ But it's not my time ♪

♪ You're hearing it ♪
♪ You're hearing it ♪

♪ You're hearing it ♪

♪ But it's not our sound ♪

♪ Don't say you mean it ♪

♪ It's not what you wanted ♪

♪ I can't give you more... ♪

CATHERINE: I am not the child
bride who took this place.

I must be a different
leader, for Russia.

No more m*rder!

This is the Russia I
tried to leave behind.

Well you've really taken
the fun out of this moment.

ELIZABETH: Peter has many talents.

Keep him busy so you can work.

I'm to create a European super -horse.

- Have they f*cked yet?
- No.

- One of you should get him hard.
- [HORSE WHINNIES]

- Fluff the horse?
- I would love to

but I have small hands that
cramp up with motion, so.

♪

CATHERINE: You do not share my
desire to transform this country.

PETER: Because it's bad.

You do nothing but eat and hunt all day!

Set yourself free in the forest,
and I will hunt and eat you all day.

[SCOFFS]

- AMBASSADOR: Trying to lead a people...
- [SCREECHING]

out of a swamp of hundreds
of years, it's hard.

CATHERINE: An uprising is building.

This man is pretending to be Peter.

And the people rise in v*olence for me?

- Yes.
- [SOFT EXHALE]

- Are you actually moved by that?
- They love me.

Oh, Jesus Christ, that's not the point!

I am hated at court.

- You couldn't control her.
- Because I love her!

You should never have brought
me someone I would love.

Total mismanagement.

ELIZABETH: A royal marriage is a job.

Do the work or broken hearts,

shattered lives, and
blood all over the floor.

[ALL SCREAMING]

ELIZABETH: We're in a
very dangerous place.

[SCREAMING]

No escape for any of us.

- They came to destroy us.
- [GASPS]

♪

CATHERINE: Nothing would be the same.

Huzzah?

Huzzah!