18x07 - Cow I Met Your Moo-ther

[bunniefuu]

Who wants cheese?

Our plate and Kn*fe are dirty,

so you'll have to just
nibble off the block.

Dang, Brita filtered water
and now a big cheese?

You two really have it all figured out.

But I feel bad we always hang here,

so maybe tomorrow night
we could do a girls' night

- at my apartment.
- Apartment?

Don't you live at home
with your parents?

No, I meant I was apart from them,

an a-part-ment.

Get it? I can put

anything I want up on my walls.

With pushpins.
I'm... I'm not allowed to use nails.

VOICE: You sound like an idiot
right now.

- A girls' night sounds great.
- We're in.

Cool beans!

VOICE: "Cool beans?"

What the [BLEEP] is cool about beans?

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's
going to be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

There. I think I'm ready
for girls night.

VOICE: Oh, I'm sure they won't notice

your dining table is your childhood bed.

- [GROWLS]
- Babe, you okay?

You're growling more than normal.

It's just... okay.

You know how when you're nervous,
you hear,

like,
a little judgmental voice in your head?

Maybe. I'm trying to get better
at reading your moods.

You're either stressed or horny.

Stressed.

Aw, shucks.

Why is this night so important to you?

Settle in, Jeff.

When I was a kid,

"Big City Honeys" was my favorite show.

The "Honeys" are young women
living together in the city.

I always imagined that when I grew up,

I would be just like them...

living in the big city,
falling in and out of love,

but always having the
support of my fellow Honeys

when I needed it.

But until I met Nerfer and Danuta,

I never had real girlfriends.

That's a sad.

I just need to make sure
there's nothing embarrassing

in the house that could ruin the night.

Wait till Snot sees my washboard abs.

Steve, do you still have
those freckles on your wrists?

Ah!

Check it out. We're making Rogu
a girlfriend out of canned pork.

Meet Spam Anderson.

Look!

The boogerman!

♪♪

The boogerman.

[ROGU LAUGHS]

Love it when the house
is peaceful like this.

Thank you for putting
those turkeys in the shed.

We have big plans tonight.

Roger is opening a fancy
new spa in the attic,

and we're going to be
his first customers.

Who's ready for a two-hour
couples massage?

I'm Rub Rub Tuggington
and I'll... oh, wow.

I had never said that name out loud.

I hate it.
Definitely going to change that.

Awful name. One of my worst.

It's fine. The name's only temporary.

It'll be an easy change.

Might have to order
some new business cards.

[DRAMATIC STRINGS PLAY]

My God, it's everywhere.

This place is supposed to be a relaxing,
professional retreat.

The worst thing
that can happen to your spa

is it gets known as a "jerk off" place.

Okay. Keep it together, Roger.

You mean Rub Rub Tuggington.

Yes. Thank you, Francine.

Let's forget about
this small branding snafu

and get you two ready for your massage.

- [cr*ck!]
- Aaah! Aaaaah!

Carpal tunnel.

Rub Rub Tuggington, are you okay?

Stop saying my name!

Tonight is the night,
and we are living it.

VOICE: Wow. You should be a speechwriter

for the president of Numskull Island.

Yeah, we're excited.

Been looking forward to this all day.

Excited, too, I am.

Now you're talking like Yoda.

Say something cool.

Doesn't Nancy Kerrigan
make you guys want to puke?

Uh...

I thought we could watch this tonight.

"Big City Honeys."

It was my favorite show
when I was a kid.

- Never heard of it.
- Me neither, but growing up, my parents only let me watch

Christian shows and pro wrestling.

♪ When I'm about to go crazy ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm still living here ♪

♪ I just get my friends together ♪

♪ And we dance, dance, dance ♪

So, Kendra is uptight,
Lexi is a total party girl,

and Max is just like,
you know, out there.

VOICE: You're over-explaining.

Their landlord, Mr. Orlando,
is always in their business,

along with their goofball neighbor,

Edgar Queefinski, or Queef for short.

Oh, there's Queef.

Stop saying Queef!

I can't have my head
stuck in a pickle jar.

I have a date tonight.

- It gets funnier.
- VOICE: Liar.

You know it doesn't get any
funnier than the pickle jar.

Your friends think you're a bozo.

Guys, I'm not a bozo!

I'm in a desperate situation.

I need to talk to Dr. Penguin.

Don't you want to talk to
your mother and father?

- Definitely not.
- Whew.

'Cause I got my own sh*t going on.

You know I haven't peed in a week?

I'm in the middle of a massage here.

And Dr. Penguin, I think,
is possibly still dead.

Oh, yeah? Well, I have a groupon.

Tell me what's on your mind.

I've had this judgmental
voice of self-doubt

in my head my whole life,

but now it's gotten so constant
I'm doubting everything.

- VOICE: No, you're not.
- [GROWLS]

I see.

I do, of course,
have a tried and true therapy

for this situation
that's never been tested.

I will try anything to get
this voice out of my head.

Fantastic. Get ready for a little HIV...

High-Intensity Visualization.

Wow. You know, I guess I'm just terrible

at naming everything now.

Okay. This should only be
done by a trained therapist.

Otherwise, you'll get AIDS...

a*t*matic Intense
De-visualization Syndrome.

Let's get this critical
voice out of your head

and into that painting.

This is never going to work.

Start taking deep breaths.

In and out.

Take in the painting in front of you

and rid yourself of your critical voice.

Send it away.

I send it away.

Away into the painting.

That horrible critic.

It's made every day of my life worse.

I did teach you
how to masturbate correctly.

Shut up. I was doing fine.

You were rubbing your belly button.

It felt good.

Guys, can we focus here?

Never to be heard from again!

I send you into the painting!

[FADING] This'll never work.

I don't hear it.

Wait. I should get bangs.

Nothing! It's gone!

Thank you, Dr. Penguin.

Dr. Penguin, a great name.

Well, back to being Rub Rub.

- [cr*ck!]
- Aaaaah!

Sorry I had to run off like that.

No problem. We have our phones.

It's nice to have some time
to just enjoy our phones.

COW: Moo!

What was that?

Hey, girl.

I sent you into the painting.
Why are you a cow?

There was a cow in the painting.

Oh, by the way, I heard
you were thinking of getting bangs.

You're going to look so stupid.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

So nice to be out of your dumb head.

I'm a cow.

Check out my sweet little boobies.

- What?
- Your visualization therapy

gave me a cow that only I can see.

Huh, weird.

If only you can see the cow,
just ignore it.

Tickle. Door.

You know what? He's right.

I'll just ignore you.

You can't ignore me.

I'm not a diarrhea sign
at a public pool!

Who wants to play "Frontiers of Finkel"?

- What?
- "Frontiers of Finkel."

It's a board game where you
colonize an alien planet.

Hayley, why have you been
acting so strange?

And why do you keep running
out of the room?

These are solid questions, Hayley.

Is this a girls' night
or an interrogation?

The only question
you guys should be asking

is what space guild you want to join!

Look at their faces.

Clearly wondering why they
ever became friends with you.

Everybody grab five resource tokens.

No, Danuta, those are energy coins.

Nerfer, those are moon doubloons.

You wish you could use those this round.

- What's this?
- Uh, a half-eaten weed gummy.

"After a thousand-year journey,

welcome to planet Finkel,
space colonists!"

Okay, first step is an audit of assets.

- Ooh!
- Shut up!

- Is everything okay?
- I have to go to the bathroom.

They think you're taking a huge dump.

I have to take a tiny dump!

That sounds way worse!

[LAUGHTER]

Guys, I think
we might be feeling the effects

of that open can of goop off!

I'll close it up. But before I do,

I just want to say that you
guys are the best friends

I've ever had in my life.

Can anyone else hear
their brain cells dying?

I can't remember why I'm up here.

[LAUGHTER]

Baby blue VW Beetle?

[SNIFFS]

Empress by Sean John perfume?

Danuta walking around?

That can only be Danuta!

Danuta!

Yeah. She and that hottie Nerfer
are here tonight.

I have to get out of here.

I need to tell her something.

Then, damn it,
we'll get you out of here.

We're the shed boys.

We'll do anything for each other.

Can we tell each other anything?

Hell, yeah.

I've been eating the
Kingsford charcoal briquets,

and I like them.

ALL: Shed boys!

[COUGHS]

You know, despite you being here,

I think the night is going pretty well.

Hayley, I have four stomachs,
and even I can't swallow that.

Who cares if your friendship is over?

You got me!

But I'd like to blow you up
with dynamite.

Oh, wait. I know how to save the night!

I got three M- s.

Let's throw one in the block of cheese

and class this bish up with some fondue.

They're gone.

Screw them, Hayley.

Let's go outside and swat
flies from our asses.

Danuta texted.

"Sorry, Hayley. We took off.

"Seems like you're going
through something.

Peace out." And then Nerfer

sent a gif of Deadpool waving goodbye.

Okay, eating all those cheeseburgers

did nothing for my carpal tunnel.

- Should we maybe just go?
- No.

I promised you a massage,
and you're getting one.

Stan, you will massage Francine
while I expertly coach.

The most important thing is
that the massage

cannot get sexual in any way.

Now, let me put on
some relaxing spa music.

[SLOW R&B MUSIC PLAYS]

Under no circumstances should
you be aroused by this.

Almost forgot the oil.

Aaaah!

♪♪

That's good, Stan,
but forget the shoulders

and focus on her butt.

Well, get in there. Don't be shy.

Really knead that ass.

Think pizza dough.

Mm. Ohh.

Ohh. Oh, yeah.

You can't bang her, Stan.

That kind of thing
doesn't fly at this spa.

Alright, turn over.

Let's work the knots
out of those breasts.

What should we do now?

Maybe see what
some of your exes are up to?

What's the deal with Reginald?

Are we going to talk about
how you slept with a koala?

I can't take this anymore!

That's it. I'm getting rid of you.

Uh, good luck, girl.

- I'm your cow.
- Not for long.

If I got you through
visualization therapy,

I can use it to get rid of you.

Uh, didn't Dr. Penguin
say not to do this

without a trained professional?

I like that you're nervous about this.

I send this cow...

Danuta! Where is she?

Klaus has something important
to tell her!

She's got to be in here somewhere!

Tear this place apart!

[PUNK MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

She's not here!

She's not here!

She couldn't have gotten far.

We have to find her!

- STEVE: I see her!
- No, that's Greg.

Hey, newsman, have you seen Danuta?

- GREG: Who?
- Danuta!

What are you, new here?

There's tracks!

Those are Danuta's paws, for sure.

And it leads right to...

- [CHITTERING]
- Raccoon!

[SCREAMING]

[ROGU LAUGHS]

[SIGHS] I wish I could just
be in the show.

That's all I ever really wanted...

to have best friends who love me,
no matter what.

I want to be a Big City Honey.

♪♪

- Am I...
- Late for breakfast?

Yeah, Hayley, you are.

But I get it.

Max is trying to cook again.

Breakfast is served.

[ LAUGHTER]

[ APPLAUSE]

Yeah!

♪ When I'm about to go crazy ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm still living here ♪

♪ I just get my friends together ♪

♪ And we dance, dance, dance ♪

♪ If this is the fate of the world ♪

♪ This is the fate of the world ♪

Hey, I'm not that bad of a cook.

Your food gives my heartburn heartburn.

Hello, ?

I'd like to report a bad frittata.

Well, my life is over.

I just ran into my boss while
I was doing the walk of shame.

Lexi, are you part camel?

Because you sure love to hump.

Yeah. You've had more plan Bs

than an over-prepared scout leader.

All I know is I need a daiquiri.

I'll take one, too.

Queef, you know we have a door.

Yeah, but you lock your door.

Exacta-mundo!

It's almost summer.

Who wants to help me with my manscaping?

I need to trim down the winter bush.

Razor? Try a weed whacker.

God, I love being here.

You know, I used to think there
was something wrong with me,

and I could never keep
any of my friends.

But being here makes me see
that I was never the problem.

Uh, over-share much?

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

It's probably my date.

Hayley, get the door.

Moo.

Geez, Hayley.

Rude much?

Everyone, this is my cow.

Holy cow!

This is "udder" madness!

Personally, I prefer Louis Vuitton

to emotional baggage.

MR. ORLANDO: What is going on in there?

Mr. Orlando!

There's no pets allowed in the building.

- If we get evicted, I'll lose you all!
- Whoa!

Someone forgot
her chill pill this morning.

Everyone shut up!

This is serious!
I am not [BLEEP] around.

Do I look like I am [BLEEP] around?

Because I assure you, I am not.

Hayley, are you part witch?

Because you love to curse.

Why is everyone acting
like this is some joke?

I told you this was a bad idea.

I am not going to let
you screw this up for me.

You can't hide me forever, Hayley.

I may sleep standing up,
but I won't stand for this.

[CHUCKLES]

You girls think I'm pretty dumb.

Well, something's going on in here,
and I know what it is.

You girls are flushing tampons again!

Geez, Mr. Orlando,
what is with you and tampons?

I've been unhappily married
for years,

so I think I know women,

and they love flushing tampons!

[CLATTERING]

What was that?

Get real, buddy.

You're not getting into that bathroom.

Not without a g*dd*mn warrant.

I actually think I saw
a tampon in this bucket.

You did? Let me see!

See? Nothing going on in there.

- COW: Moo.
- [THUDDING]

- What is that racket?
- Nothing.

And whatever it is,
I'm trying to repress it.

Moo!

Damn!

That cow is yoked!

Aah!

Aah!

I married the wrong cow.

My wife never gives me head.

You can't hide me anymore!

You're fighting a losing
battle with your cattle!

I can't believe you ruined this!

This was my dream!

You ruin everything!

You're the reason I've never
been able to keep friends!

I hate you!

[CRYING]

What the hell is going on here?

Hayley, I warned you not to
do that therapy without me.

Why is the cow crying?

Probably a Knicks fan.

Okay, that's hilarious. And true.

The Knicks are terrible. I think.

I-I don't really follow the sport.

If indeed it is a sport.

Roger, why are you here?

I'm here to help you, Hayley.
Don't you see?

By trying to hide
your negative thoughts,

you only made your cow bigger.

Why did you ever think
that you could get rid

of something that is a part of you?

You told me I could!

It was your therapy!

Paid for with a groupon.

[SIGHS] What do I need
to do to fix this mess?

Hayley, your cow
is only trying to protect you.

It's true.

Instead of hiding, ignoring,
or fighting with your cow,

you need to accept it.

You can't make those
negative thoughts go away.

But you can learn to acknowledge
them and let them pass.

Love your cow,
but don't let it control you.

Being a Big City Honey

means embracing every part of yourself.

Lady, I got this.

Smooch your cow.

Ew, gross!

I was joking.

You didn't really need to do that,
but it was hilarious.

Come on. Time to go.

Whoa, that was intense.

- Thanks, Dr. P.
- No problemo, Hayley,

but next time we go into a show,
can it be "Silver Spoons"?

I want to ride that little train.

Ooh, cheese and Brita water.

Were you having the queen over?

That reminds me, I should go.

I need to make things right
with my friends.

Cool.

Back to work.

- Mm.
- Mm.

Oh, yeah.

- Oh!
- Well,

Rub Rub Tuggington's business is ruined.

Might as well watch.

You know what?
The name's kind of growing on me.

Can you leave, Roger?

How about instead of leaving,

we have a race to see
who can finish first.

You're on!

Hey. I'm so sorry
that I ruined our night.

I was just so nervous because
I-I like you guys so much,

and I think you're so cool and...

VOICE: Whoa. Slow down there, girl.

Let me slow down.

I guess you could say I got
a little too in my own head.

Hayley, you don't have to be nervous

or apologize for being weird.

Yeah. You have a husband and a job.

We think you're the one
who's got it all figured out.

Really? Wow! I had no idea!

KLAUS: Danuta!

Danuta! Danuta!

I have to tell you something, Danuta!

What?

What is it, Klaus?

Uhhhh...

Hey.

Bye-bye. See you soon.