06x01 & 06x02 - The Big Desk: Part 1 & 2

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on

♪ My mind

♪ Oh

♪ Whoa, georgia

♪ Now, my georgia

♪ How you hear me, georgia

♪ No peace

♪ No peace I find

♪ This old sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

I thought that was pretty good.

Mrs. Sugarbaker's
at the bank right now.

The best time to catch her

Is during her lunch.

She's really not
the type of person

To appreciate a singing
striptease birthday gram.

She's not real big on wiggling.

Right.

Bye.

Charlene, I hate
to tell you this,

But quinton left his
squirt g*n in the car today,

And I just had this
uncontrollable urge to use it.

Oh, mary jo! Stop that!

Get away from me! Stop!

Ok. I'm sorry.

It was just laying
there on the seat,

And I kept thinking,

"I have got to sh**t
somebody with this."

I thought of you,

And I started driving faster.

What has gotten into you? Stop.

You've got like spring
fever in the fall.

Yeah, I know.

It's all these changes going on.

Ever since claudia
left for college,

I feel... I feel sad.

But I also feel carefree,

Kind of like a second childhood.

I just decided to quit worrying

About whether I'm going
to find my dream man

Or having been a single parent

Has scarred my
children for life.

I've done the best that I could.

If they turn out
to be serial K*llers,

I'll just have to be the
mother of serial K*llers.

That male stripper is confirmed.

Julia is the last
person in the world

Who'd enjoy a male stripper.

That's exactly
why we're doing it.

I wanted to do
something for julia

That was just completely
out of character.

This won't be a happy birthday

What with reese gone
and suzanne off to japan.

We ought to do something
totally outrageous.

A stranger in a
leopard jock strap's

Going to cheer her up?

Oh, the guy's not the point.

It's the idea that we
did it that's important.

Female camaraderie,

Raising hell together.

You know something else?

We're going to win
design expo this year.

Look at these things I did.

I stayed up half the
night doing these.

I love that fabric
for the library.

Yeah. I found this great
beidermeier table, too.

You know, businesswise,

Suzanne selling out

Was just the best thing
that could have happened.

The cash flow's going to
totally revitalize everything.

I know. I know.

It's just that every
time I look at the sofa,

I miss seeing her...

All laid out there

With that big old hairdo

Covering an entire pillow,

Whining about her problems,

And trying to make
the rest of us feel

Like we're not
very good-looking.

I know. I'll miss her, too.

Where's carlene?

Upstairs with the baby.

Thank you so much

For being sweet
to my little sister.

She just loves you and julia.

It's hard to believe she's
going through a divorce.

She's just so cheerful.

She was born that way.

Out of nine kids in our family,

Everybody liked
to t*rture carlene

'Cause she was so
good-natured about it.

My brothers hung her
upside down in a gunny sack

From a tree for hours.

When they cut her down,

She would stagger
off, happy as a clam.

How is it that your
parents came up

With charlene and carlene?

Was your mother just so
tired after 26 hours of labor,

She just said,

"Let's just take the 'h'
out of charlene's name

And be done with it?"

Oh, there's my darling princess.

Did you have a good nap?

Oh, she sure did.

Yeah.

And while she was sleeping,

I read this story in
one of those tabloids

About this little
toddler who got rabies,

And he terrorized
an entire town.

Carlene, tell your sister

What we did last night.

Went to a singles' bar.

Really? Why didn't you tell me?

You were asleep when I got home.

She'd never been before.

Well, did you meet anybody?

Yes. I met lots of people.

Everybody was real nice,

Except for this one guy

Who kept wanting to
stick his tongue in my ear.

I said, "my divorce
is not final.

"Take that rude remark

To someone who is not
still mrs. Dwayne dobber."

What did he say?

Well, he looked
kind of confused,

And then he said,
"who's dwayne dobber?"

And I said,

"Well, he's only the number
one import auto salesman

In all of southeast missouri."

Then mary jo squirted
him with her g*n.

You took a squirt
g*n to a singles' bar?

It really comes in handy.

A guy says the wrong thing,

You make a big wet spot

On the front of his pants.

Mary jo, you've
completely lost your mind.

Where's julia?

She went to the bank.

Oh. I was listening to her
on the phone this morning.

She is so articulate.

She could be a
spokesmodel on star search.

Mm-hmm.

She could.

She's got it all...

Beauty, poise, and an
effective speaking voice.

Here she comes. Get ready.

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

Thank you. I appreciate
the sentiment.

But as I said,

I prefer not to
acknowledge my birthday.

♪ Happy, happy birthday, julia

Thank you again.

And I hope this concludes
our celebration.

Well, excuse me,

But I don't think
that the birthday girl

Is showing the appropriate
birthday behavior.

Perhaps I can persuade
her differently

With my own particular
brand of joie de vivre.

Julia, you won't let us do
anything for your birthday?

I know it's hard
for you to accept,

But I'm not a birthday person.

I bet that suit was made
by some famous designer.

Actually, I don't remember.

They say that ralph
lauren's not even gay.

He's got a wife and
kids and everything.

What do you mean

You're not a birthday person?

I don't want some
unclothed young man

Coming to my house
and singing to me.

Where did you get
an idea like that?

Possibly because I saw a
business card on your desk

That read "birthday
hunk-o-grams.

Wet, wild, and naked."

Oh, fine.

When he gets here,

I'll just say I'm
mrs. Sugarbaker.

Call and put a stop to it.

Actually, charlene
made the call.

Well, I think it's too late.

It better not be too late.

I have no intention

Of celebrating
the day of my birth

By squealing with delight

While some sweaty neanderthal

Gyrates what is
in all probability

A rolled-up sock in my face.

I just love the way she talks.

The line is busy.

We're sorry.

We just didn't want
you to be depressed

On your birthday,

Seeing how reese and
suzanne are both gone.

Why did she move
to japan anyway?

Suzanne was attracted
the japanese economy.

They have a large
elderly population.

She had dated most of
the men in this country.

That was something

About her dating
that emperor hirohito.

Carlene, he was a nephew
of emperor hirohito.

Emperor hirohito's dead.

Never stopped
suzanne in the past.

Mary jo, you are such a wit.

Oh, mary jo, by the way,

These are the papers
I picked up at the bank.

Allison had sent them back,

So the deal's final.

Allison is your cousin

Who bought out suzanne's
share of the business?

She won't actually work here.

She'll just drop
in occasionally.

She wouldn't want to work here?

This is the most exciting
place I've ever been.

That's just 'cause you've
never been outside poplar bluff.

If you stay around
here long enough,

You just begin to think
being mrs. Dwayne dobber

Just wasn't all it
was cracked up to be.

You know what I mean, julia?

I think I do.

Try that number again.

How's that doughnut?

It's... It's very good.

How's yours, mary jo?

It's good.

The line's still busy.

I know what's wrong
with your fuse box.

It's a faulty circuit breaker.

I'll get another one.

Oh. Well, thanks.

Who's that?

Our electrician.

Oh. I thought maybe
he was the stripper.

Rusty, check that plug
next to the front door.

I don't think that
top socket works.

Oh, sure.

Never mind, rusty.

We'll just put a
kerosene lamp over there.

Bye.

Thanks, rusty. Bye.

Sugarbaker's.

Oh, hi, honey.

You're joking.

You're joking.

No. This is just too
wonderful to believe.

This is like a
dream of a lifetime.

I got to tell carlene,
mary jo, and julia,

Then I'm calling mama and daddy.

I love you, too,
sweetheart. Bye-bye.

Y'all will never guess
in a million years.

You're having another baby?

No. I'm going to meet
the queen of england.

You're right. We would
never have guessed it.

Oh, my lord. The
queen of england?

Aah! Yes!

Oh, this is too much excitement.

I'll have to lie down.

I've got cramps anyway.

Charlene, are you
sure you heard right?

I mean, maybe there's
a dean of england.

No. No, mary jo.

I'm meeting the queen.

They're having a big party
for the royal air force,

And they've invited some
pilots and their families

From countries who
participated in the gulf w*r,

And bill was chosen.

Well, charlene,
that is wonderful.

Congratulations.

Mama and daddy
will keel over dead.

Anthony, where have you been?

I've been trying to
call you all morning.

I've tried calling you,

But suzanne has had
the phone cut off.

Why? She knows
you'd be staying there.

I guess she figures

If she isn't there
to make a call,

No one else needs
to make one either.

We'll just call
the phone company

And have them
restore the service.

Julia, we have got
bigger problems.

Ok, anthony. What happened?

Your cousin is here.

Allison?

That's right.

Her vacation's not
for another month.

It's no vacation. She's
moving back here.

Are you serious?

That's what she said

When she rolled in about 5 a.m.

And called the police

Because I was walking
around suzanne's house

In my jockey shorts.

She called the police?

That's correct.

That's how I knew she
was suzanne's cousin.

What's it to her

If you're in suzanne's house?

Evidently, she
leased the house, too.

Suzanne must have
got the dates mixed up.

Anyway, the police left

After I showed them

My authorization
to rent the house.

But that wasn't good
enough for miss allison.

She says her lease
supersedes my letter

Because it's notarized

And also she just
happens to be related.

Then she starts boo-hooing

About how she
almost never drives

And she made a wrong
turn in a rental car

Right outside of new york city.

Evidently, she came
through montana.

Then she asked
me to rub her feet.

I mean, we are talking
about a real fruitcake here.

I don't like that
foot-rubbing request.

Well, I didn't much
like doing it either.

This is our new
business partner?

Let's remember that
allison is basically a dabbler.

In spite of what anthony
has said about her,

She's just a tiny girl.

Maybe she weighs 100 pounds,

Got a little fluff
of blonde hair.

She looks like tinkerbell.

Yeah, julia, but she
acts like leona helmsley.

Excuse me.

Special delivery for
miss julia sugarbaker.

If you think that there's
the slightest possibility

That you're going to
rip your clothes off

And sing happy birthday to me,

You're sadly mistaken.

I just need your signature.

And then the fun begins.

Sir, leave now

While you still
have your pants on.

I've seen enough male
backsides for one day.

Hey, I'm just delivering a desk.

A desk?

Yeah. From an
allison sugarbaker.

I'm terribly...

I'm sorry.

I thought you were someone else.

Yeah, I got that feeling.

All right, guys.
Bring it on in now.

Take it on over there.

You know,

For someone who's not
going to even be working here,

Tinkerbell should
has a big desk.

I'm sorry, julia.

That is not a chair.
That is a throne.

If you think her desk is big,

You should see her rolodex.

It looks like a ferris wheel.

Oh.

Thank goodness.

My desk arrived.

I was so worried about it.

Allison, what a surprise.

Julia. It's so good to see you.

That's enough.

Let's not wrinkle the suit.

Oh, you are holding up well.

How's your health?

Fine. Thank you.

Now, I want you to
meet mary jo shively.

And what is it you do here?

Well, actually, I'm an
interior design consultant.

Really?

Your squirt g*n's leaking.

And this is charlene stillfield.

Hi.

And her sister carlene.

Formerly mrs. Dwayne dobber.

This is my baby girl, olivia.

You bring your baby to work?

Sure. Most of the
time she stays upstairs.

Well, we'll just back
burner that for now.

My.

My, my.

This is... Not bad.

Some new paint

And a little carpeting.

I'm just glad to see I
haven't been swindled

Since I single-handedly

Put together the funding
for this acquisition.

I thought your daddy
bought it for you.

Ha ha.

Yes. Well, he was
my primary lender.

Without him,

I wouldn't have been able to
buy the controlling interest.

I don't want to get
off on the wrong foot,

But controlling interest
sounds a little strong.

You only bought suzanne's share.

A technicality.

We'll discuss it at the
first board meeting.

Suzanne was never really
interested in working here.

I was told you weren't either.

True. I never pictured myself

Coming back to the south,

Buying mom and pop shop,

Taking it to the top.

But last week,

I was standing in
the rainbow room

At the top of
rockefeller center,

Sipping my ramlosa and
taking in the lights below.

I said to myself,

"Allison, it's time to go home.

"You've made it in new york.

"If you can make it there,

You can make it anywhere."

I guess you're aware

That that is actually a song.

Yes.

Allison, we were
under the impression

That you were only
coming for a visit.

I would have appreciated

Knowing about your
change of plans.

Well, I just assumed
suzanne would tell you

When I called her in japan

About leasing the house.

Didn't she say anything?

No.

Where did you work in new york?

I worked for mario buatta.

He's my mentor.

That's impressive.
Isn't he the governor?

No. That's mario cuomo.

Mario buatta is an
incredibly famous decorator.

Also known as the
prince of chintz.

Well, allison, we have
a lot to talk about,

But for starters,

We're really not set up

For a desk like this.

I had it air-expressed
from new york.

Where could I keep it now?

Perhaps you could try
mount vernon or versailles.

Excuse me.

I simply must have
a cup of herbal tea.

I brought my own.

Can I get some for anyone else?

No, thank you. No, thank you.

Incidentally,

Anthony, isn't it?

That's right.

I just wanted you to know

That even though I called
the police this morning,

That was in no way a
racially motivated incident.

I consider myself
part of the new south.

And, of course, when
I was at wellesley,

I had many dear and
wonderful black friends.

Oh.

Oh. Before I forget,

Here is the key to
your motel room

At the happy hobo motel.

It's just down the
street from suzanne's.

I sent your clothes
over there in a cab.

Ok. That's it.

I can see now I've been
too accommodating.

My first mistake was carrying
your bags this morning

And telling you you could
stay in the guest room

Until you found someplace else.

But now you have
just gone too far.

I'll be going over to
the happy hobo motel

And collecting my things.

When I get back,

I'll be taking your things

Over to the howard johnson's.

Well, that's pretty ridiculous.

What would someone like me
do at the howard johnson's?

Well, frankly, I
don't really care.

As far as I'm concerned,

You can just eat fried
clams until you pop.

Allison, I know
you just got here,

But I have a real strong feeling

This isn't going well.

Not going well?

Julia, don't be ridiculous.

I'm having a wonderful time.

But just to make sure

That we get off
on the right foot,

Let's talk about how we
can be more professional

And well-presented.

On the personal side...

I don't want to hurt
anyone's feelings...

But someone's wearing a
very offensive cologne.

Incidentally, I do
think it's inappropriate

To bring visiting
relatives to work.

Is there any particular reason

You're lying on the sofa?

Yes. She has
premenstrual cramps.

You suffer from pms?

Well, um,

Actually, back
home, we call it fts,

Fixing to start.

And then when
it finally arrives,

You say, your cousin's visiting.

Remember?

That's why it was so
funny this morning

When anthony said that
julia's cousin was visiting.

I thought that julia
was fixing to start.

And then you showed up.

Allison, carlene has to be here

'Cause my nanny quit

And she's helping with the baby.

Also she's helping
us file invoices.

Oh, and I do have some
decorating experience as well.

Oh. What are your credentials?

I worked at ray
fladeboe's ozark furniture,

Who, for over 50 years,

Has supplied all of
southeast missouri

With its furniture and
decorative accessory needs.

Well, fine. You can
help with the filing,

But leave the baby at home.

I've brought olivia to work

Every day since she was born.

She's not staying at home.

Don't say you're breast-feeding.

I may not have kids,

But even I know you can
federal express that milk.

And that child is large.

She should be weaned by now.

Weaned?

What is this, wild kingdom?

If something happens to
this child in the workplace,

The rest of us can be sued.

I'm not going to sue anybody.

This is ridiculous.

Darlene, you say that now,

But how will you
feel in 10 years

When you find out this child

Was allergic to the
dye in fabric samples

And suffers from
irreparable lung damage?

My name is charlene.

Oh, you are so tall.

I hope you're not planning

To wear heels to work.

That can intimidate
male clients.

Oh. I took the liberty of
buying beepers for everyone.

Beepers? Really?

You're kidding.

No. I'm not kidding.

We should all stay
electronically linked.

I don't want to be
electronically linked.

Maybe we could just
all wear cow bells.

And in the future,

You should leave your
squirt g*n at home,

Or at least trade down
for a smaller model.

Perhaps you could exchange

With one of the other little
children in your neighborhood.

I was just trying
to water that plant.

Allison, let's get this
one thing straight.

We don't run sugarbaker's
like a corporation.

We're very informal.

We want it to feel like a home.

In fact, it is my home.

Well, not really, julia.

When you step off that
bottom stair in the morning,

You are in sugarbaker country.

And just for the
sake of putting that

So everyone can understand it,

I'm the new sheriff.

Just for the sake
of putting this

So that you can understand it,

For someone who just rode
into town 10 minutes ago,

You're about to get your
butt blown out of here.

Julia.

I can't believe you
said that word.

You're about to hear
me say a few more words.

So before I do,

I'll excuse myself.

I have an appointment
with our attorney.

Now, you see...

That was an example

Of very professional behavior.

She's having her
appointment with her attorney

During her lunch hour.

Uh... Ok.

There will be no unexcused
absences from work.

All planned absences
must be submitted in writing

At least one week in advance...

For example,

I know I won't be
here september 29th.

I have a fitting for
my bridesmaid's dress

For marla maples' wedding.

Hello?

Marla maples?

We know who she is.

I don't have a lot of
faith in that wedding.

I don't want you
to be disappointed.

Oh, oh, also...

I won't be here for the
last week in october.

Why not?

I'll be meeting the
queen of england.

Very funny.

I'm looking for a
mrs. Sugarbaker.

I am ms. Sugarbaker.

Can I help you?

♪ Do you love me?

♪ Do you love me?

♪ Do you love me?

♪ Do you love me?

♪ Do you love me?

♪ Do you love me?

♪ Now that I can dance

♪ Dance, dance

♪ Watch me, now

♪ Push, push

♪ Ah, shake it up, shake it up

♪ Ah, shake it, shake it down

♪ Ah, get the soul, now

Happy birthday!

Mary jo,

I'm sorry, but...

This list of current
design projects

Is hopelessly incomplete.

Why couldn't you finish it?

Well...

Last night I had to try out

This new plaque-fighting kit

On my dog brownie,

And it took a little
longer than I thought.

And do you think

That's an appropriate response?

I don't know.

The vet said his
gums were receding.

Ahh.

I'm sorry.

I just got cable this week.

I can't believe

They actually have
nude stock car racing.

I can't believe

I stayed up all
night watching it.

Incidentally,

I assume you meant

For your lips to be
that color this morning.

Yes, I did.

Ok.

I believe that if someone

Has a bird on their head,

You should tell them.

I'm going to take her upstairs.

Ok.

Ok, mary jo. Mary jo!

Guess what I found at the mall?

I had this picture
of my whole family

Put on this button.

There's my mama and my daddy...

My brothers and sisters.

I'm going to wear it
when I meet the queen.

That will certainly set
you apart from the crowd.

Let me get this straight.

You're planning to wear that

When you meet the queen?

Yeah, why?

I was telling mary jo,

If someone has a
bird on their head

You have to tell them.

You won't impress the
queen by showing up

With a big old soup
plate on your breast

With 49 hicks emblazoned on it.

What do I say when
she takes my hand?

You only get four seconds.

I want it to be real special.

Last night we watched

The effect of gamma rays

On man-in-the-moon marigolds...

On tv... With joanne woodward?

There it was...

The exact words I want
to say to the queen.

"My heart is full."

What do you think?

Darlene...

I cannot stress enough

How wildly
inappropriate it would be

For you to say
"my heart is full."

That's so incredibly stupid.

I don't agree with that at all.

I think the queen will
get a kick out of it.

If you are that hell-bent

On embarrassing the
united states of america,

Why not just wear some
plastic do-do on your head?

You really have a thing

About people having
stuff on their head.

You don't have to
worry about charlene.

You can take her anywhere.

She was always the
sophisticated one.

Oh, carlene.

It's true... You were.

And she was the first person

To call that gene natty
cologne "jean nate."

Carlene, stop it!

It's true.

You were also the
best cheerleader

To walk the halls of
poplar bluff high school.

Not true.

It most certainly is.

She had so much passion.

Every time she'd say,

"Y'all, yell!"

Oh, it gave me goose bumps.

Hey.

No.

Come on.

All right.

Let's do it.

Ok.

All right.

Set, ready all, let's go!

We're the mules,

We're tough as brass.

If you can't b*at us,

You're a... Duck "a"!

Yay! Yay!

I'll go check on her.

By the way, darlene...

Every day you bring
that baby to work,

You violate the baby code.

It goes on your
permanent record.

I'm not leaving
her home, allison.

Just so you know, allison,

I did not appreciate
waking up this morning

And finding my wardrobe
on the front lawn.

And I didn't appreciate

The "die fascist pig" note

In my pajama pocket either.

I didn't put any note there.

I guess it was somebody else.

Listen...

I don't know if you saw
the w*r of the roses,

But if you didn't,

It's about this couple
getting a divorce

And neither one of
them will leave the house

Until they've destroyed
it piece by piece.

If that's the way it has
to end between you and i,

Then so be it,
because, allison...

I rented that house
fair and square

And I am not... Repeat,
I am not... Moving out.

And the next time you
want some panty hose,

Well... You just go
and get them yourself.

I've never seen anthony so mad.

He always acts that way.

Last night I sent
him for ice cream.

He practically threw
the change at me.

Oh, julia...

Just so you know...

Next time you see your
lawyer on company time,

It's going on your record.

Allison, just so you know,

The next time you speak to me

In that tone of voice,

You're going to the moon.

So, what did kirby say?

He said, a deal's a deal.

There's nothing we can do.

Hi, rusty.

Hi.

I thought I'd come by

And install that
new circuit breaker.

Excuse me...

Who authorized this?

I don't know who authorized it.

Rusty is our electrician.

I authorized it.

Well, o.k.,

But I'd like an estimate

Before you do any
other work for us.

Hey, rusty, you know what?

We have a bad plug
I'd like you to look at.

It's right over
here on the floor...

Just... Just right across
from allison's desk.

Oh! Yeah, that's a good idea.

It's awful warm in here.

Why don't I take your coat?

Yes, let me help.

♪ When the moon hits your eye

♪ Like a big pizza pie

♪ That's amore

♪ When you walk in a dream

♪ But you know
you're not dreaming

♪ Signore

That was good.

Mary jo, did you see
hard copy last night?

I didn't, carlene.

They had this story on

About this woman
whose car broke down.

This man picked her
up, took her home,

And forced her to
wear a string bikini

And serve drinks to his friends

While they attended a
cockfight in the yard.

Can you believe that?

I can't.

I simply cannot tolerate

Any more of this
incessant, meaningless,

Tasteless conversation
in the workplace.

What if a client walked in?

Do you think it's appropriate

That we should be
discussing cockfighting?

And do you really
think it's appropriate

That this man has no belt?

Julia, how's that sweet roll?

It's good, carlene.

Charlene, how's yours?

Good.

Boy, that meat I had
for dinner last night

Sure was tender.

Hmm.

Yes, well...

Every day is good in
your neighborhood,

Isn't it, mrs. Rogers?

You might reel in some
of that cockeyed optimism

If you knew that
intelligent people

Equate being happy all the time

With being stupid.

Well...

I know I'm not stupid...

Because I've been tested.

What kind of tests?

You know...

Those tests they
give you in school.

If I were stupid, it
would have shown up,

And if they didn't
catch it then,

I'd rather not
know about it now.

Excuse me,

Does this big old meat sandwich

Belong to anyone in particular?

It's mine.

Is it really necessary, darlene,

To bring a lumberjack
lunch to work every day?

Wouldn't a single
container of pasta

Be more in keeping
with who we are?

I guess I don't know who we are.

You don't like my cologne,

You don't like my child,

You don't like my shoes,

And now you don't like my lunch.

As far as I'm concerned,

You can go beep yourself.

Who could that be?

Yes. Allison
sugarbaker speaking.

Yes, I'll hold.

Hello.

This is allison sugarbaker.

Hello, allison.

This is your cousin julia.

I'm calling

To tell you there is a huge bird

On your head.

And not just any bird.

We're talking giant
whooping crane.

I'm speaking to you on the phone

Because I don't wish

To embarrass and annihilate you

In front of everyone here.

This is too small a group.

I would prefer to
embarrass and annihilate you

In front of 70,000 people

At fulton county stadium.

Since that's not possible today,

Let me just give you
two basic choices.

You can either quit,

Or I can k*ll you.

Think about it and let me know.

All right.

You win.

I quit.

You can just buy me out...

At a small profit,

To be determined later.

I don't know why I tried

To do this in the first place.

I knew it wouldn't work out...

Because nothing ever does.

I don't understand it.

For some inexplicable reason,

People just won't
give me my due.

Maybe if you weren't so...

Obnoxious.

Right.

I don't mean to be obnoxious,

But this is my personality.

I think I'm a sincere,

Hard-working, forthright person,

But people don't spark to that.

Maybe that's 'cause
what you really are is...

Obnoxious.

You would be, too,

If nothing ever
worked out for you.

Even my love life's a joke.

Until I came here,

In my entire life

I've only ever
seen one man naked.

Let's hope this concludes

This morning's "getting
to know you" session.

His name was randy.

We began dating in high school,

But he refused to grow up.

He started going to that
space camp in huntsville.

All he talked about
was space camp,

Space camp, space camp.

When he got too old to go,

He sued them.

It was just so embarrassing.

Hey, I know.

Sometimes it is hard
to stand by your man.

Look at darlene here,

Going to see the queen.

Nothing like that
ever happens to me.

And I went to finishing school.

Would you know what to do

If you were served tea

And the slice of
lemon was on a plate

Instead of your saucer?

We use that nestea.

It's got lemon in it.

You know, allison,

I wouldn't worry too much

About not getting
to meet the queen.

After all...

I mean, you know
the prince of chintz.

Well...

I don't really know him.

I only worked there for two days

As a receptionist

In the sheets and
towels subsidiary.

Do you mean you've been lying

To uncle frank and
your mother, too?

I couldn't tell them
about my real job.

It was so far beneath my
educational background.

Oh, my goodness!

Hooker?

No.

I was a seeing eye person

For a rich, blind lady...

Mrs. Digby, in new york.

She was allergic to dogs.

Now, that sounds interesting.

I was really very good at it.

You know, I speak
three languages.

Eventually,

We had a code...

If an unattractive woman

Was approaching from the right,

I would whisper in her ear,

"Canine queen at three o'clock."

So... So why did you quit?

I didn't... She fired me.

I dyed her hair
this terrible color

And somebody told her about it.

Do you have any idea

What it's like to be
let go from a position

That was formerly held by a dog?

Anyway...

When daddy said

That we could buy suzanne's
share of the business,

I thought this was my chance

To come home and
start over again.

Ahh...

But...

I guess maybe I was
trying too hard.

Could you give me
a second chance?

No. No. No.

You want some time
to think about it?

No. No. No.

Maybe marla and donald
could give you a job.

You're going to
be at their wedding.

Actually, she belongs
to my health club.

I haven't been officially asked.

It seems you've been
doing a lot of lying.

Only about really
important things.

Ahh... Boy,

I've told you an awful lot

Of humiliating stuff.

It seems like

I should get some
kind of reward.

All right. Let me
ask you something.

Just hypothetically speaking,

If we did let you stay,

And I'm not saying that we will,

Would you stop
pulling rank on us?

Hypothetically, yes.

Would you get off our backs

And stop talking about things

That are on our heads?

I can live with that.

We'd better have a
little conference.

Allison, would you
and carlene excuse us?

Yes, we certainly will,

And thank you very
much for asking.

Hey. What are y'all doing?

We're voting on
whether allison can stay.

Oh, count me in.

Oh, allison,

I have an interest
in this business, too.

We're just going to stand here

And pretend to talk

And then tell her she's out.

Yes, yes.

Oh, no. She's crying.

I hate that.

Charlene, be strong.

I want the cash flow, too,

But I'm being strong.

Oh, boy. Now she's sobbing.

Hey. She sobs all the time.

She sobbed this morning

When I ate the last
of the fruit loops.

She's just so pitiful.

What if she can't
find another job?

I was out at 6 a.m.

Picking my underwear
off a mulberry bush.

Don't talk to me about pitiful.

Other than the money,

Is there any plus
in her staying?

She won't be able
to find another job.

That's not a plus.

I don't care, mary jo.

There's probably lots
of blind people in atlanta,

But there's way more dogs, too.

I'm sure of it.

Atlanta is a big dog town.

There's jobs out there.

There's an opening at the pit

For the nude stock car races.

I guess I am feeling a
little sorry for her.

She is a relative.

Maybe we should call
that space camp guy

To come get her.

Why do we always
have to be so nice?

This is why people
take advantage of us.

Why can't we just be big,
bad, mean business people

Just like everybody else?

That's why.

Ok. Now, listen.

Everybody wants her gone,

But nobody has the guts

To make it official.

I have the guts,

And I also have a mulberry
thorn stuck in my underwear.

I'll be happy to do this.

This is so exciting.

I hope you get it.

Allison.

Ahem.

I have been officially elected

To tell you...

You're on probation.

That was really good,

Mr. Panty hose and 24-hour
ice cream delivery man.

This probation...

Of course, is subject
to any conditions

That we deem appropriate

And may be revoked at any time.

Well, actually, first,

Step outside for
just a few minutes.

Now?

Just right out there
on the front porch.

This is not a
cruel trick, is it?

You better go right now,

Or this will go on
your permanent record.

I'm just so glad you
all came to this decision.

Otherwise, I'd have to
sue the pants off you.

We'll call you when we're ready.

What are we going to do, hide?

No.

Rusty!

We're going to do a
little redecorating.

Rusty. My man.

Come over here, honey,

And pull your pants up.

We got work to do.

Ok. You can come in now.

Something's different.

I can't put my finger on it.

I... I like it.

Really.

It's ok.

Well, that's the spirit.

What do you think?

My heart is full.

The question is
what do you think?

Well, I don't mind.

As long as...

You don't mind this.