06x03 - A Toe in the Water

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

♪ Ahh-ohh

♪ Whoa, georgia

♪ Oh, my georgia

♪ Can you hear me, georgia?

♪ No peace, no peace I find

♪ This old sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

That was pretty good.

I'm back.

Oh, that was so refreshing.

I feel reborn.

I wasn't even sure
that I could find

A decent therapist here.

There are so many
neurotics in new york

And not nearly
so many in atlanta.

It's so backwards.

But matthew,
that's my therapist,

Is so great.

Not to brag, but...

He said I was the most
screwed-up person

He'd met in a long time.

Ahh.

I do enjoy being number one.

Of course I've studied so
much psychology myself

That I hardly need a therapist.

I'm just paying someone
to listen to me talk,

Which I find ironic,

Because I think most
people would pay me

To listen to my
insights and anecdotes.

I'm sorry. Were
you talking to me?

Never mind.

Oh, no. You can't go in there.

Why not?

My cat's using it.

Your cat is using our bathroom?

I bought this book that says

You can eliminate
unsightly litter boxes

With their offensive odors.

You just take the litter box

And put it on some
magazines by the toilet.

Every day you add more magazines

Until it's level
with that toilet.

Uh-huh.

Then you put it on
top of the toilet

So the cat gets used
to jumping up there.

And then finally,

You remove the
litter box entirely

And leave the lid up.

And you know what happens?

Yes. The cat jumps
into the toilet.

I admit it's a great gag,

And I enjoy playing practical
jokes on household pets

As much as anyone,

But, carlene, why are
you doing this here?

I've got to supervise
her progress.

I think it's just amazing

That you can get a cat
to understand the concept

Of a commode.

Like my dog brownie...

He thinks of ours
as a giant punch bowl.

Mary jo, I can't
believe you said that.

Every time we get
together, she makes me laugh.

Every time I come
in, she's a-pickin',

And you're a-grinnin'.

Where you been all morning?

Mary jo, the proper
question to ask is,

Where have I been all night?

And the answer is,

I was locked in the
basement of suzanne's house.

Oh, were you in the basement?

I thought I heard
something down there.

Did it sound something
like someone screaming,

"Let me out of here, bitch"?

The door must have blown
shut and locked itself.

I don't want any more
excuses from you.

That house isn't big
enough for us both,

And I am not leaving. You are.

Six weeks ago, I started
attending law school.

I know my rights.

I showed our leases
to my professor,

And he says your
lease is not valid.

He also gave me this
affidavit confirming that fact.

Well, anthony, now...

I could get my lawyer
to say the opposite,

And I could get a
paper just like yours.

Until you show me
that piece of paper,

The house is mine,
and I can evict you.

So what am I supposed to do?

Frankly, I don't care.

I've had a very
grueling week of exams,

And this weekend,
I'm pampering myself.

As far as I'm concerned,

You have two choices.

You can go,

Or you can stay,

But only as my personal servant,

Food taster, and valet.

Think about that.

You know why you're
really mad at me, anthony?

My therapist says that to you,

The house represents
your masculinity.

And when you lose it,

As you eventually will to me,

You will feel as though
you've been castrated.

Oh!

I could save you a lot
of money on psychiatrists.

You know what your problem is?

Your problem is
you are obnoxious.

I know.

I have obnoxious
personality disorder.

Matthew just diagnosed it.

Obnoxious personality disorder.

I don't believe I've
ever heard of that one.

There are many, many
sufferers of o.p.d.

It's such a sad story.

Literally thousands of
people have lost their friends,

Their jobs, even their
husbands and wives,

Simply because
they're obnoxious.

There's also a very
high rate of alcoholism.

Among obnoxious people?

No, among their
friends and relations.

Ever since matthew identified me

As a victim of o.p.d.,

I feel free.

My problems are over.

It's not my fault anymore.

Well, gee, allison,

If your problems are all over,

What do you do at the therapist?

We talk about you
all and your problems.

And matthew and
I laugh and laugh.

We don't mean to
laugh at you all.

It's funny how people don't
see their own psychoses.

For example, julia...

For example, julia what?

I was telling my therapist
how your boyfriend

Passed away last year

And how you haven't
seen anyone since then,

And we agreed you're
in a latency period,

And you need to date.

She also found out
she was obnoxious.

And you could have knocked
us over with a feather.

Not that it's any of
your business, allison,

But for your information,

I have been seeing someone.

I know him from the
merchandise mart.

His name's mark boswell,

And he's taking me to the
symphony this very evening.

I know it's a disappointment
to you and your therapist,

But no one here at
sugarbaker's other than you

Has any psychological problems.

Oh, julia, don't go in there.

My cat's using it.

At least, none that I
care to hear about now.

You still trying to
contact your lawyer?

He's already gone
for the weekend.

I can't get anything
until monday.

Naturally I'm used to the
highest caliber of legal advice.

Who were you on the phone to?

Some other attorney.
He was quite famous once.

976-We-su-'em.

I've seen them on
the late-late movie.

They are famous.

All right. I'm desperate, o.k.?

Anthony could get me
evicted this weekend.

And while I could
still take legal action

To regain my rightful lease,

If he's there and I'm not,

He has a huge advantage.

I have to maintain residency.

He did say he needed
a house servant.

Oh. Yeah, right.

Manual toil.

He didn't mention
any manual person.

I'm pretty sure he meant you.

Hi, everyone.

Mary jo, did the
carpeting people call?

Yeah. I'm picking the
order up this afternoon.

You already know mark,

But, ladies, this is my
friend mark boswell.

This is carlene dobber...

And allison sugarbaker.

Did you find a dress
for the symphony?

It's a suit, persimmon-colored.

It isn't so much persimmon.

Maybe more a pomegranate.

I think you picked
out the best outfit.

The other was nice,
but it had a peplum,

Sort of a forties retro look.

It was too ida lupino
for you, though.

Well, I have to dash.

See you tonight. Bye.

Bye.

So, that's mark boswell.

Uh-huh.

That's the man who's
going to take you back

Into the world of dating.

Right.

Uh-huh.

What do you mean by uh-huh?

Nothing. You've just
proved my point, that's all.

You're afraid to
start dating again.

I have a date.

I'm going out with mark.

Well, of course. He's safe.

What's your point?

That is the gayest human being

I've ever seen in my life.

He is not!

Julia! He was wearing a lacoste.

He knows what a peplum is.

In a 20-second conversation,

He managed to
work in ida lupino,

And he's never laid a
finger on you, am I right?

I'm not going to answer that.

You just did.

Well, this is ridiculous,

And I don't want to discuss it.

I've known mark for years,

And he is not gay.

Look, julia,

I really don't care, o.k.?

I was just trying to
give you the benefit

Of my many years
of expensive therapy.

You are "dating" an
obviously gay guy

Because you want to
avoid facing your sexuality

When you're afraid of it.

That's all I have to say.

Now, would somebody
please change the subject?

Hey, has anybody seen that
new ron reagan jr. Show?

Trailers.to: watch full hd movies & tv shows
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Have a seat, and
I'll whip you up

A little apres symphony snack.

That would be lovely.

Put something on the stereo.

Oh, my goodness.
We have a choice.

Let's see here.

"Judy garland."

"Lena horne."

"Madonna."

"Ethel merman."

Oh, yes.

Mmm, my goodness.

You know, I don't know.

Is she still living?

No, no. She's dead.

When it happened,
I was in key west,

And they had a merma-thon.

You didn't need to
go to all that trouble.

It's no trouble at all.

I love to experiment
with foreign cuisine.

But I really have to
watch the sour cream.

I gained 2 pounds last week.

I don't see it.

Oh, please. I'm a house.

Mark, I would like to ask you...

A rather personal question,

If you don't mind.

Fire...

When ready.

Well, I was just wondering...

Why...

You never...

Oh, my gosh. That's my mother.

Sorry. I'll have to get that.

Hold that thought.

♪ Folks are dumb
where I come from

♪ They ain't had any learnin'

♪ Still they're happy as can be

♪ Doing what comes natur...

That was just a false alarm.

Somebody calling
about rumba lessons.

Oh, well, that must be annoying.

No. They wanted to
confirm me for tuesday.

So, what did you want to ask me?

Nothing.

Hey, let's drink up.

Mmm.

Mark, what are you doing?

I'm sorry. That was clumsy.

Please forgive me.

Oh...

Oh, o.k.

I forgive you.

Great.

Mark, I can't do this.

What? What is wrong?

I'm not pressing you.

We've gone out for weeks.

I just don't understand.

I thought we were
getting along so well.

We are.

I find you very attractive.

You're very attractive, too.

We like the same things...

Gardening, modern dance,

Truman capote
books, lalique birds...

Mark, I thought you were gay.

Gay?

Me? Are you serious?

There's nothing
wrong with being gay.

Of course not, but I'm not.

Are you sure?

Julia...

I would know.

You're a very sweet man.

Yes, I'm sweet and
understanding...

And very hetero.

And I would like
to illustrate that.

Mm-mmm.

Mm-mmm.

O.k., We'll take it slowly.

You know, i...

I don't think...

I'm going to be able to take it

At any speed at all.

I'm...

Um...

Sorry.

♪ The sun shines bright

♪ On my old atlanta home

What is it this time?

I need a hand towel.

I already gave you a hand towel.

This one isn't fluffy enough.

This one is plenty fluffy.

I fluffed it myself.

Well, you need to
work on your fluffing.

Thank you.

Oh, forget it.

I'm not doing this anymore.

Just leave then.

You know I can't leave.

Possession is 9/10 of the law.

If I leave, I don't get back in.

No, you're not
driving me out of here.

I don't care what you do to me.

Well, I hope you're
happy with yourself,

Torturing me like this.

This is your fault.

If you hadn't tried to
take over the whole house,

It wouldn't have
gotten this far.

My tears don't mean
anything to you, do they?

Uh-uh.

Let's move to threats then.

Yoo-hoo, anybody home?

We're in here. Come in.

Anthony...

Ohh!

It's all right. Come on in.

I'll have my servant
put up my privacy screen.

Are you sure?

Mi casa es su casa...

But it's not you casa.

What are you doing here?

Anthony invited
us over for brunch.

He said his servant was
going to cook and serve

And fan us while we
lie down on the sofa.

Oh, right. I'm going
to cook for you two.

What would you like?

How about some eggs benedict

And a couple of
blueberry muffins?

I'll just have captain crunch...

I'm not cooking for you.

Oh, allison.

What?

My ginger ale isn't
bubbly anymore.

You know, you are obnoxious.

I know. I have o.p.d.

It is not my fault.

As much as I enjoy
standing around

In somebody's bathroom

Hearing them fight
with the hired girl,

I am hungry.

Let's go to the colonel's
for some chicken.

And some of those corncobettes.

Don't get up.

Anthony?

In there.

What are you doing here?

I called her because
you're out of control.

Come on in.

I don't think so.

I'm not in the habit of
talking to naked people.

I have on a bathing suit.

You think I'm a pervert?

Why don't you put
that steak on the grill?

And while you're at it,

Shine all my shoes.

Is that all?

Why? Should there
be something else?

I thought you'd like to hear
something on the accordion.

I've have had about
enough of this.

Julia, she started this.

Suzanne's house is big enough

For both of you.

As I see it, there are
two alternatives.

Either you two can
resolve your differences

In some civilized manner

Or you can k*ll one another.

Either way is fine with me,

Because I won't have to
hear about it anymore.

Julia, wait, wait.

What is it?

I wanted to hear
how your "date" went.

Allison, you're very clever

With those quotation marks,

But for the record,

I prefer my conversations
straightforward

And unencumbered by
little rabbit gestures.

Do you "get it"?

But I was right, wasn't i?

Your "boyfriend"...

Didn't lay a hand
on you, did he?

Not that it is even remotely
any of your business,

But just to wipe that
smirk off your face,

I will tell you.

You were not right.

He is positively not gay.

How do you know?

I picked up some subtle signals

While he had his
tongue down my throat.

Now, what do you say to that?

He must be bi.

Allison, he is not, o.k.?

You were wrong!

You never want to
admit you're wrong.

He is straight. There's
no question about it.

He made that fact
uncomfortably clear!

"Uncomfortably."

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's... It's a habit.

It's going to take
some getting used to.

I'm just so interested in
this word "uncomfortably."

I mean, it seems
there's something

That you're not admitting,

Little miss cards on the table.

Oh, all right.
I'll give you that.

I guess...

Subconsciously...

I did think that mark was gay

And therefore I was safe.

Julia, excuse me
for overhearing,

But I want to add my 2 cents.

Oh, please.

I do so want to hear from
everybody on this topic.

Call your friends.

I was just going to say

You can't force yourself
to start dating again

If it isn't time.

I know because there
came a day in my life

When I wasn't interested in
any romantic involvement.

The whole idea didn't
appeal to me, period.

No matter who approached me,

I just wasn't interested.

Really, anthony?

When was that?

That was the day
that I entered prison.

Mark, it's julia.

Mark? You here?

You're late, woman.

O.k.

I get it.

Yeah, the only thing
you're going to get is naked.

Now, get that blouse off,

Get in the kitchen,
fix me some vittles

So I can watch the big game.

You made your point.

Yeah?

I've got some other
demonstrations

Of manliness for you.

Aah!

You didn't have to do that.

It's my problem, not yours.

Mark, listen to me.

There have only been
two men in my whole life.

And they were
both so... Special.

I just need a little more time.

Well, to be frank...

I don't know whether
I'm ever going to be

Ready to date again.

O.k.

All right. I can respect that.

Can we still see each other?

Just friends?

Oh...

Of course.

Just friends.

I have one last
demonstration of manliness

That I would like to show you.

Just very good friends.