06x04 - Dwayne's World

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

♪ Ahh-ohh

♪ Whoa, georgia

♪ Oh, my georgia

♪ Can you hear me, georgia?

♪ No peace, no peace I find

♪ This old sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

I thought that was pretty good.

We're back.

Did you get that wallpaper
ordered for dr. Smathers?

Yeah, but it won't
be in till next week.

We stopped and got
carlene new clothes.

Go try it on for julia.

I will, I will, I will!

It looks so cute.

You two have really
bonded, haven't you?

Yeah, I guess we have.

Well, cut it out.

At first I felt I had
to take care of her

'Cause she's charlene's sister

And new in town,

But more and more, I
love her for herself.

She reminds me of
myself six years ago...

Just divorced,
starting a new life.

I feel like I have
to protect her

So she doesn't go
through the things I did.

O.k., Everybody. Here I come.

Oh...

Oh, mary jo, you're the
best girlfriend I've ever had.

If you were a
man, I'd marry you.

Julia, I'd find you
very attractive, too.

It would be a tough decision...

Mary jo or julia?

I can't decide.

Allison, what do you think?

I think you need a date... Bad.

You think so?

Oh, don't pay any
attention to her.

She's mad because none
of us want to marry her.

I am not.

Oh, gosh. My divorce
is barely final.

I don't think I'd be comfortable

Dating another
man at this point.

I still feel like I'm
mrs. Dwayne dobber.

Is that your ex-husband's name?

Yeah, why?

He called a little while ago.

I was on the other line.

He's coming here today.

What? Today?

What's he doing in atlanta?

I don't know.

I was on the other
line with business.

If I wanted to pass the time

With some backwoods character,

I'd sit on a cr*cker
barrel at the gas station

And puff on a corncob pipe...

And eat a moon pie...

And stick hayseeds in my teeth.

Is there any reason
dwayne would be coming?

Sometimes he comes to atlanta

To see other car dealers, but...

Oh, my gosh.

I think he's going to
try and get me back.

Are you kidding?

No. But I'm not
going back with him.

I don't care what he says.

I've got to think about
the things about him

That I don't like...

How he'd come to the
table with no shirt on,

Or how he'd always want
to play "pull my finger."

Julia, do you know that?

I'm afraid I don't, carlene.

He put his finger out
and says, "pull my finger,"

And then you pull it,

And he belches...

If you're lucky.

I got so tired of that one,

I can tell you.

Well, that just
about does it for me.

Julia, you and I are due
at the merchandise mart,

And I'm going to be leaving

Before the man from
hee haw shows up.

We've got to get that
glass ready for dr. Smathers.

Mary jo, we need to go.

You all go on. I'll stay here.

Mary jo, thank you.

Good luck.

Sorry I won't meet
your ex-husband.

Say a big "howdy do" for me.

I will. Bye-bye.

Oh...

You don't want to go
back to dwayne, do you?

No. It's all over between us.

He's just got this
overwhelming charisma.

He's a car salesman,
and he spends all day

Learning these tricks
how to hypnotize people

Into getting them to say yes.

He once sold a riding lawn mower

To this old lady who
lived in a nursing home.

She didn't even
have a flower box.

She drove that thing
to a senior jamboree,

And she got k*lled.

The thing about
these ex-husbands is

You have to be careful.

You're dealing with a person

Who knows how to
push your buttons.

You've got to be strong.

I will not be charmed by him,

Even if he draws a
face on his stomach

And makes it look like his
bellybutton's whistling.

Well, let's hope it
doesn't come to that.

Hey, carlene.

Well, well, dwayne...

Hi. I'm mary jo. I work
here with carlene.

Nice to meet you.

Aren't you going
to say hey to me?

Well, hello, dwayne.

How nice to see you.

Welcome to our
fair establishment.

Of course now that I'm a
professional career businesswoman

In a professional
career place of business,

I'm afraid I won't be
able to chat lengthily.

Don't try to impress
me with that fancy talk.

I've seen you
sitting on the pot.

Dwayne!

She said you were a charmer.

Just try to have some decorum.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm tired.

I've been driving all night.

Say, how much does
coffee cost here?

Oh, it's free.

Is there any beer over here?

I drank the last
one this morning.

Dwayne, it's 10:00 a.m.

I'm not going to get drunk.

Nobody can't get
drunk off one beer.

It's scientifically impossible.

A 5-year-old could have
beer with his froot loops,

And he would not get drunk.

Now, if he had a mixed
drink, that's something else.

Oh, you think you're so
smart, and you're not.

That's why I left him.

I threw her out.

You did not!

Not only did I walk out,

But I considerately
cooked 30 dinners,

Labeled and froze them

So he wouldn't starve

The first month I was gone.

If you're here to
sweep me off my feet,

This is just not
the way to do it.

I'm not trying to do that.

You're not?

Why are you here?

I came to set you free.

I knew you wouldn't
see other men

Without my say-so,

And I wanted you to know,

I'm giving it to you now.

Excuse me.

This isn't any of my business,

But it was my understanding

That you and carlene
were divorced.

I don't think she needs
your permission to date.

You don't know
my wife like I do.

She needs somebody
to tell her what to do,

So I'm telling her.

Go ahead. You may date.

You're awfully
kind, but a little late.

What?

Carlene already has a boyfriend.

She does?

Yes, I do! Ha ha!

Who is he?

Oh, you want his name?

Well, his name...

Is...

Dr. Smathers.

My boyfriend's a doctor?

Oh, yes.

Quite the catch... Tall,
dark, and handsome.

You ought to meet him.

Well, I'd like to.

When are you available?

Any night but tonight.

I got dinner with
a dealer tonight.

That's too bad, because
tonight's the only night

Dr. Smathers is available.

Isn't that what you told me?

I did tell you that.

You can tell him the rest.

Never mind. I've heard enough.

I got to go.

I got to go see a
man about a car.

Jeez, carlene...

You're doing o.k. For yourself.

A big job, doctor boyfriend...

And all the free
coffee she can drink.

Well, nice meeting you.

Bye.

Bye.

Mary jo, we lied!

I know.

I've never deliberately
told a lie in my life!

It feels good.

I'm going to start
doing this all the time.

You can't do that.

When anybody asks a question,

Just say whatever you want.

They'll never know
the difference.

Like when your dentist
asks if you've flossed,

You look right at
him and say, "yes."

No, carlene.

This is not a good idea

Unless it's a totally
extreme situation.

Well, why not?

Oh, hell, I can meet
the dealer anytime.

How often can I meet
my ex-wife's boyfriend?

Not as often as you might think.

I'll cancel with that fella,

And me and you and
your new beau will go out.

How about 7:00?

7:00?

Great.

I'll call you later, and
we'll pick a restaurant.

Bye, now.

I think I've figured out

Why it's not a good
idea to tell a lie.

I don't think it's
that big a deal.

When dwayne calls,
just say you're sick.

Oh, no. That won't work.

He knows when I'm faking it.

Faking sick, I mean.

What do you suggest?

It seems like we
could get somebody.

It doesn't matter who.

Some friend of yours.

J.d. Would do it,
but he's in cincinnati.

I can't think of anybody else.

Oh.

O.k.

It's all right. Let's forget it.

I appreciate you trying
to make me look good,

But it's obviously
not going to work.

I'll tell him I lied.

Don't worry about
me being humiliated,

Because believe you me,

I've had a lot of
experience with that.

Back home,

Watching daddy go to the bank

With his hat in his hand,

And always coming
back with nothing.

Hey, good morning, y'all.

Hi, anthony.

Hi, anthony!

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I can never, ever,

Thank you enough for this.

Yes, I know that.

I am your sl*ve for life.

I'm doing your
laundry for a year.

It's all right, carlene.

Just don't tell that story

About your daddy
applying for that bank loan.

I can't take that.

I'm just so, so grateful
to you for this.

Carlene, don't be
so quick to thank me.

I just want to go
on record as saying

There is no way in hell
that this will work.

Why not?

Because it's stupid, mary jo.

It's really really stupid.

It's something lucy
and ethel would do.

There isn't anything
to worry about.

This is what happens.

As soon as dwayne
comes in and sits down,

I give him 15 seconds.

Then, your phone rings,

And you're swept away
to an emergency, right?

Where'd y'all get this phone?

We stole that from allison.

First, we lied.

Then, we stole.

It's just like my
grandma said...

Once you move to the big city,

You start running through
those 10 commandments.

Let me get this straight.

First, I meet him.

Then I shake hands.

Then the phone
rings. I'm out of here.

Then you owe me
the rest of my life?

Right.

Oh, here he comes.

Oh, there he is.

Hi, dwayne.

All I have to do

Is pretend we've been
out a couple of times?

Actually, we go steady.

You're a brain surgeon,
an olympic triathlete,

And your name is
dr. Anthony smathers,

And he doesn't
know you're black.

Hi, dwayne!

Oh, dwayne, this is
dr. Anthony smathers.

Dwayne...

You're here.

So, you're carlene's boyfriend?

I get it... Tall,
dark, and handsome.

That's right.

Society may not
approve of our love,

But we don't care,
do we, darling?

I guess not, honey.

So how long you two
been going together?

Oh, about 30 seconds.

Just a little joke.

Time really flies
when you're in love.

I'm expecting a
call any minute now.

Well, I think I'm going
to the little girls' room

And let you two get acquainted.

'Scuse me.

Honey, can't you hold it?

Don't go, hon.

There's a couple of black guys

Working at my car lot.

They work in the body shop.

They're good
workers... Good guys.

If anybody ever tells
me black people are lazy,

I say just look at sam, billy,

And that other one.

Mary jo, I'm running
out of stuff to say.

He won't get off the phone.

I guess atlanta's a lot more
what you'd call multicultural

Than poplar bluff.

Ahem. So...

Why did you and
carlene break up?

Well, usual situation, I
guess. We grew apart.

I was number one
import car salesman

In southeast missouri.

That's no brag... Just fact.

So I was down at the lot

Getting more
sophisticated and all.

Meanwhile, carlene's
just sitting at home

Watching oprah.

We had nothing to talk about.

She didn't know anything
about import cars,

And I don't want to know
about transvestites.

Hello.

Hello!

Sir, could we borrow that
phone for one little minute?

You can have it right back.

Your friend already
asked me, o.k.?

Can't you wait five minutes?

Is this the only phone?

Yeah.

How's it going out there?

O.k., I guess.

Can I get you something?

A beer.

Me, too.

Anthony, hi.

Hi, allison.

Make that a whiskey, please.

Iced tea for me.

I'm in a.a.

I'm meeting julia here.

Did she call you or something?

No. Just one of those
humorous coincidences

That makes my
life a living hell.

What's wrong with your voice?

It sounds low.

I have a cold.

Allison sugarbaker,
dwayne dobber.

Nice to meet you.

Sugarbaker...

You must be my wife's boss.

That's how you
know her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend?

Yes. Carlene and I are dating.

I don't believe it.

It was a secret.

I cannot believe that this woman

Blows into town
five minutes ago,

And already she's
got a best friend

And a boyfriend.

Not the ones I would choose,

But, still...

I mean, I think I'm attractive,

But I don't have a best friend.

I don't have a boyfriend,

And for some reason,

None of the women at
work want to marry me.

Oh, there, there.

She's very highly strung.

There's a lot of in-breeding

In her family.

Nobody ever tells me anything,

Although I was picking
up signals between you.

No, you weren't.

Anthony, you don't
have to be embarrassed.

Interracial romance
is very hip right now.

I mean, please, jungle fever.

If that's the way
it's going to be,

This conversation is over!

Yes! Yes!

Goodbye!

Here. I'm finished now.

Hi, allison.

I didn't know you were here.

Mary jo, did you know

That anthony and
carlene are dating?

Oh, yes.

Yes, mary jo encouraged us

To get together
in the first place.

I don't know how
I'll ever thank her,

But I'll spend the
rest of my life trying.

Well, come on, mary jo.

Why don't you sit down?

I wasn't expecting to
see all you people here,

But I always welcome a
chance to bond with you.

There's julia.

Julia!

Over here!

Julia, you're here.

Yes, allison and I are
here to meet dr. Smathers.

That's why I'm here.

This is my ex-husband,
dwayne dobber.

This is julia
sugarbaker, my boss.

Nice to meet you.

If you don't mind my asking,

How do you know dr. Smathers?

Well, carlene's dating him.

Carlene is dating dr. Smathers?

It was one of those
instant chemistry things.

I don't believe it.

You're dating
dr. Smathers and anthony?

Carlene is dating anthony?

What are you talking about?

Julia, there you are.

Hello. I was going to
get us another table,

And then I saw my friends here.

I guess almost everybody
knows dr. Smathers.

Hi, dad.

Allison...

There's one thing I
neglected to tell you

About coming to work here.

Occasionally we all
like to go out in public

And make great big donkeys

Out of ourselves.

Oh.

Well, thank you for
sharing that with me.

Oh, mary jo, don't feel bad.

So you got a little carried away

With that female camaraderie.

All you were trying to do

Was help me out

And be like a sister to me.

And you know what?

If charlene were here,

I'll bet she'd do the
exact same thing.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Why does that not
make me feel better?

Hey. It's me again.

Hey, dwayne.

Could I talk with
you for a second?

Anything you have to say

You can say in
front of my friends.

He's not really
your boyfriend, is he?

No. He works here with us.

We made it up.

Wait.

Wait a minute.

Are you telling me you
two aren't going out?

No.

Oh... Oh, right.

First you weren't,
then you were,

And now you aren't?

Oh, that's... That's great.

You people are just
all messing with me,

And I would like to
tell you something.

I wouldn't marry
any of you girls

If you begged me to.

Well, gee, allison...

You really put us in our place

Dwayne, I just want you to know

That it wasn't carlene's idea

To make that story
up. It was mine.

Stop. Listen, it doesn't matter.

The point was to prove to dwayne

That I could get
along without him,

And that somebody'd
care about me

Even if he didn't,

And y'all proved that for me.

I was worried about you

Coming to the
big city all alone,

But now that I've seen

These people surrounding you,

I'm even more worried.

I think you should come home.

I knew that was
why you came back.

I'm not coming back with you.

I got a new life here.

I got good friends.

I'm happy.

Well, all right.

Can't blame a guy for trying.

Bye, carlene.

Would you do one
thing for old times' sake?

What's that?

Pull my finger?

He's still a charmer!