06x06 - Picking a Winner

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

♪ Oh oh

♪ Oh, georgia, now, my georgia

♪ Ah, you hear me, georgia

♪ No peace, no peace I find

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

I thought that was pretty good.

Whoa.

What do we have here?

A little informational flyer

From the atlanta
sperm bank, I believe.

Julia!

If you're not careful,
you'll hurt somebody.

If you're not careful,

That's going to
happen very soon.

Well, I don't see
what the big secret is.

Mary jo told us she was
going to a sperm bank.

I understand why she
wants to get pregnant.

It's hip, it's
happening, it's now.

You can hardly make the
cover of people magazine

Without those little
varmints strapped to you.

Don't do that!

Julia, make anthony quit.

He's trying to k*ll that sweet
mockingbird with his slingshot.

I was just trying to scare it.

Every time I wax the van,

That little sucker
leaves his calling card.

Didn't you ever read
to k*ll a mockingbird?

Don't you remember?

Atticus told scout it's a
sin to k*ll a mockingbird.

That must have been a very
popular book in your family.

Charlene quotes from
it several times a week.

Oh, we just loved it.

We read it over and
over and over again.

That and valley of the dolls.

I could recite some of that.

I-i'll pass, thank you.

Carlene,

I was not going to
hurt that mockingbird,

Just toilet train him.

Have you gotten the final
payment from les pittman?

Uh, n-not quite yet, no.

You've called him, haven't you?

I tried to ask,

But he always derails me.

We end up discussing
his solarium.

He has iguanas.

Julia, why this bee in your
bonnet about les pittman?

He's one of atlanta's
most stylish men.

He was the first executive

To have pony skin chairs
in his conference room.

He can use a pony's
rear end as an ashtray.

I have always
despised the notion

That poor people have to
pay bills and rich people don't.

Is this the invoice?

Uh-huh.

I'm going to show
you how we handle

Mr. Lester pittman.

Uh-oh... She took
off her earring.

That means she's
greased to k*ll.

Hello, this is julia sugarbaker.

It has come to my attention

That you haven't settled
your account with us

For the custom
draperies in your solarium.

That bill's six months overdue.

I'm giving you one
week to make good.

If your payment, however,

Is not on my desk
before next week,

I'll come over to your home

And personally rip those
draperies out of the walls,

Hardware and all.

And mr. Pittman, remember...

I still have your house keys.

Don't make me use them.

And it might be wise
if you ask yourself,

"Do I know where my iguana is?"

Wow! What did he say?

Nothing. That was
his answering machine.

Julia, I am trying to upgrade
sugarbaker's to first class,

And you are holding
us back in coach.

From now on, I will
handle les pittman.

All right.

Be my guest.

You have one week
to get the job done.

After that, he's mine.

Good morning, everybody.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to stop by the copy shop

To make a set for everyone.

I have narrowed the
field of sperm donors

To four.

These are their profiles,

And I want you all to help
me make my final choice.

I have to order this afternoon

Because my e.d.o.
Is just a week away.

That's "estimated
day of ovulation,"

For you amateur ovulators.

I'm so honored that
you're sharing this with us.

Oh, sh**t.

Well, I don't want to go
through this all alone,

And I work with you all,

And I love you all...

And some of you would
just go through my drawers

And find this
stuff, anyway, so...

This is kind of a
monumental decision.

I don't think it's all
that monumental.

The way I'm looking at it,

It's just a matter of
one-potato, two-potato.

Mary jo, when you first told me

You were going
to be inseminated,

I thought it had something
to do with ministry.

This is just a new
experience for me.

Uh, excuse me. Where
are these guys' names?

They're anonymous,
allison. They have numbers.

Oh. Great.

You mean the father of her child

Could have a geeky
name like elmo or dave?

What's wrong with dave?

I've dated a few. Trust me.

O.k., Here's the
one I vote for...

The former mormon bongo player.

What number is he?

Uh... 652.

Oh, please. What a loser!

Did you see this?

"Hobbies include
community theater."

Well, you know what that means.

He's a cross-dresser.

You are kidding!

Is that bad?

I think you should
reconsider this whole thing.

In my opinion, men who
frequent sperm banks are...

Losers, wimps, psychos.

You know, the kind of
guys who can't get a date.

Excuse me, allison.

I happen to know differently.

Sperm donors are, generally,

Highly educated,
well-rounded individuals

Who donate for
humanitarian reasons.

All that aside, mary jo,

Are you sure you want
our opinions on this?

Yes, i... I do.

O.k.

In that case, I say number 652.

Look at this...

Besides being a bongo player,

He's athletic,

He's artistic,

He's sensitive...

I think you could
feel pretty secure

Having a man like that on ice.

Well, I'm sorry, but as a man,

I just don't think
that's very funny.

I don't want to
interfere, mary jo,

But a child needs a father.

When your son asks
you who his father is,

You going to show
him an ice chest?

I don't know...

It would come in handy on
those father-son picnics.

Mary jo, what are you doing?

Don't talk to me
while I'm agitating.

Mary jo, we are trying

To run a business.

Hurry up and ovulate, already.

This could take months,

So you might as well get
used to having bongo around.

Bongo?

Yeah.

That's what I call him...

Bongo...

My frozen husband-in-a-box.

I'm sorry,

I just find this whole
sperm bank business

So callous and impersonal.

If I were all fired up
to have a baby by myself,

I'd just find myself a
rich, handsome executive

With a body by god,

And I'd use him for a stud,

Then once I was
pregnant, I'd dump him,

Maybe even wring a little
child support out of him.

You're right, allison...

That's warmer and more personal.

Well, it's the
old-fashioned way,

And it's good enough for me.

What do we do next?

Uh, let me see.

This is where you
move the dipstick

From test tube
"a" to test tube "b".

This is fun, like mr. Wizard.

Well, mary jo,
you hang in there.

I'd like to stick around

And watch your
dipstick turn blue,

But there are draperies
I've got to rip down.

Julia, I told you that I'm
handling that situation.

It's been a week.

There's no check on my desk,

And I always make
good on my threats.

Julia! Acting out your
hostility is no solution!

She really needs therapy!

I can't stand it. I
can't bear to watch.

You look at it.

Has it turned blue yet?

Can't tell yet.

Well, we want to be sure.

When you're spending
$300 a pop on semen,

You want to be accurate.

$300?

Boy, that's a bargain.

I knew a farmer back home

Who paid $20,000 for bull semen.

Bull semen costs $20,000?

Ooh, mary jo,

You're not planning on
having a herd, are you?

Very funny.

Mary jo, it's blue.

It's blue?

It's blue?

I'm surging! I'm surging!

Oh! Oh! I have to go!

Where are you going?

To the doctor. I've turned blue!

Should I call somebody?

No. There's only a 10-hour
window of opportunity.

Well, wait a minute!
Your purse, your keys.

Thank you!

You're in no condition
to drive yourself.

Right. I'm too excited!

Oh, can I go?

Yes. Hurry!

Bongo!

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How far along are you?

Seven months.

Well.

You're carrying beautifully.

Thank you.

How did you get pregnant?

Excuse me?

How do you think
ahe got prenent?

Well, I thought
this was a doctor

For women who did it funny.

No offense.

Now, don't you pay
any attention, bongo.

This is just the
first of many tries,

And I don't expect you to score

Right off the bat.

I just want you to get in there

And swim your little tail off.

Oh, that's so sweet.

I talk to my baby, too.

She's not pregnant yet.

She's here to
conceive with bongo.

He's in the box.

I could have phrased that

A little differently.

I'm just so uneasy.

They're all looking at me.

Anthony, if you
feel uncomfortable,

You don't have to stay.

No, that's o.k. I'm fine.

I'll just keep my
mouth shut and read.

"You and your uterus."

Maybe I would be more
comfortable outside.

I thought I'd find you here.

I thought you were with julia.

She wouldn't listen to reason,

And I didn't spend six
years at wellesley

Training to be a repo woman.

I found your
dipstick on your desk.

I came down... Thought
you might need me.

Oh, well...

Thank you.

That was really sweet.

This could lead to
bonding between us,

Even though I find what
you're doing repulsive.

I'm definitely out of here now.

If you don't mind,

I'd really appreciate it

If you'd stay.

I like the idea of y'all

Being out here,

Just kind of cheering me on.

You know, it
makes me feel like...

Like that way,

My baby might be
conceived in love.

O.k., Come here.

You know what we should do?

We should come in, join hands,

And form a trust
circle around you.

What is it with you people?

Mrs. Shively, we're
ready for you.

O.k., Bongo...

Magic time.

Good morning, everybody.

Isn't it a beautiful day?

Yes, it is,

And I have some
pretty wonderful news.

Mary jo's pregnant?

Yes.

She took one of
those at-home tests,

And it's positive.

Oh, it's just a miracle!

Nobody does it
on their first try!

And you know what?

If it's a little girl,

I think she ought
to name it miracle.

A friend of mine
back in poplar bluff

Named her baby miracle.

Problem was her
last name's white,

So the baby's name
was miracle white.

Nobody had the heart to tell her

That that was the name
of a wash day additive.

I know this woman.

Does she have two other children

Named charisma
and absorbine jr.?

Yeah. That's her.

I believe your
sister mentioned her.

I am so excited for mary jo!

Aah! Aah!

Julia, we have got to talk.

About those
draperies, perchance?

How could you do that?

You went into a client's home

And violated his drapes!

I should have grabbed his iguana

And had it mounted
over my fireplace.

Whoo!

Yes!

Whoo-hoo!

What's going on?

Mary jo's pregnant.

Speech! Speech!

I think I've made
the biggest mistake

Of my life.

Thank you for coming.

I just couldn't sleep.

It's all right, mary jo.

You feel any better now?

I don't know.

I spent most of the
night in the bathroom.

Did about a hundred of
those pregnancy tests.

Every single one
of them is positive.

I'm really pregnant.

Well, isn't that
what you wanted?

Well, i... I thought
that's what I wanted.

I just... I don't
think I thought

That it would happen this fast.

I don't even know

What the father looks like.

What if he has a
terrible sense of humor?

It'll be passed on to the baby.

What if he thinks
benny hill is funny?

What then, huh?

What am I going to do?

Mary jo, you'll be o.k.

Remember you raised
claudia and quint

Practically all by yourself.

Look how well they turned out.

Yeah, but...

Oh, julia...

I just think I've
been so cavalier.

Six months ago I blurt out,

"Oh, I want a baby."

And now I'm going to have one.

I'm so scared.

Oh.

Ohh.

Mary jo.

I'm going to tell you something.

Hayden and I were planning
to have another child

When he had his heart att*ck.

And once he had recovered,

He was all ready to try again.

But knowing that his
health was precarious,

I...

I decided that I

Just couldn't
face the possibility

That I'd have to
bring up that baby

Without him.

I loved hayden
more than anything

In the world,

But, oh, how I
wanted another child.

I gave up that
possibility out of fear.

It was a deep
disappointment to hayden.

And mary jo...

It's the only thing in my life

That I will always regret.

I had no idea.

Well, I'm telling you now,

And what I'm telling you is,

Don't let fear keep
you from having

This thing you know
you want so much.

Will you promise me

That every time I get wimpy,

You'll just slap me around?

No. I... I mean it.

I'm going to need
you there with me

Every step of the way.

Ohh.

You got me.

You got me.

Of course, I may have
to arm wrestle carlene

To see who gets to
cut the umbilical cord.

Good morning.

Good morning, mary jo.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I was at the mall,

And there's this new
store called mother lode.

I want to show you what I got.

They're little
reeboks for infants.

Aren't they precious?

I can't wait to take you,

If you feel like going.

You're feeling
happier now, right?

Yes, I am.

Thanks again, julia,

For bringing me around.

I'm feeling really good
about having a baby,

And I want to be sure
that you know that,

Because I have something
difficult to tell you.

I'm not pregnant anymore.

What do you mean?

It's all right. I
went to the doctor.

Mary jo, I'm so sorry.

It's all right.

This happens a lot
early in pregnancy.

sh**t. I... I probably
wouldn't ever have known

That I was

If it hadn't been for
these early at-home tests.

Anyway, the doctor says

That I can try again right away,

And, uh, that's
what I intend to do.

Well, you don't have to put on

A strong face for us.

I know that. I'm not.

Mary jo, I'm sorry
if I scared you

Talking about showing your kid

That ice chest.

I shouldn't have done that.

It would have been wonderful

If I had grown up
with my father around,

But I didn't.

But I'm glad I was born,

And I'll be glad when
your baby gets here.

Thank you so much.

I don't feel like I need
anybody's approval,

But I'm sure glad
I've got yours.

I wish you'd stop hugging me

Before I start crying.

You know, carlene thinks of me

As this macho bird k*ller.

So, julia,

What happened with
those pittman drapes?

Oh.

I found a solution
that I'm rather proud of.

You cut up 70 yards of draperies

For that little bag?

No. I donated them to
the recycling center.

They gave us a tax deduction

And made 36 of these
ecologically sound

Grocery bags.

And there was enough fabric left

To solve your
mockingbird problem.

What's this?

It's a van cozy,
like a tea cozy.

It'll cover a whole van.

It's what I've always wanted,

And I never even knew it.

I'm not even going to tell you

The sheer hell I
have been through.

I only spent 1 1/2
hours abasing myself,

Begging les
pittman not to sue us

And kissing an
iguana on the lips.

Suffice it to say
I got your money.

There it is. It's for
the full amount.

You win, julia.

Now hand over those drapes.

I think you all need therapy.