06x09 - Just Say Doe

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

♪ Ohh

♪ Whoa, georgia, now, my georgia

♪ Ah, you hear me, georgia

♪ No peace, no peace do I find

♪ This old sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

I thought that was pretty good.

And the coca-cola company

Hi, everybody.

Thanks for giving me
some time off today

To spend with the boys.

I can't believe my brother
skip's here in town.

He's been here three
days and nobody's met him.

Why are you hiding him?

I'm not hiding him.

He's just spending
all his time with quint.

You should see how quint has
taken to his big old uncle skip.

It's skip this and skip
that and skip, skip, skip.

It's to the point where i...

Hate the sound of his name?

Well, no.

He's my brother. Of course not.

I love him. It's just...

Well, he's not real sensitive.

I believe we can handle that.

When do we meet him?

We were hoping you'd
come to a barbecue tonight.

Ooh! I think that
sounds like fun.

Sorry. I have to
stay at home tonight.

I have to move anthony's
belongings onto the back porch.

I need his room for a
treadmill I'm having delivered.

Don't tell him.

I cannot believe you're still
trying to move anthony out.

If I were him, I'd call and have
your butt picked up by bekins.

Anyway, I called bernice
already. She's coming.

Hey, anthony, can you
make my barbecue tonight?

Ordinarily I do
not go out at night.

That's when allison usually
makes a run for my territory.

But fortunately, I've purchased
some surplus land mines

Which I've strategically
placed throughout my bedroom.

In other words, one wrong move,

And somebody's butt
is going to the moon.

I'm sorry. I think that
was one butt too many.

Language has been getting
a little lax around here.

Yeah, and you know what?

I think it's time we
set up a cuss box.

See, that's where you
have to put a nickel in here

Every time you say a bad word.

We did this in our
church fellowship.

We were able to take the
entire group to france.

Well, anyway, mary jo,

I'd be happy to attend.

Should I bring anything?

No. He insists on doing
everything himself.

I think he's showing
off for quint a bit.

He said, "we don't cook.
That's women's work.

Men barbecue."

He sounds like a real charmer.

That's just the way he talks.

He's actually really sweet.

He came all this way to
take quint deer hunting.

I should be grateful,

But I just can't get excited
about my son going into the woods

To blow bambi's head off.

What in the world?

Well, it looks like we might be
meeting him sooner than we thought.

By any chance
does he drive a bmw?

A bmw? Well, he
can't be all bad.

I'll be in the storeroom.

With a g*n rack on the back?

Yeah. That's skip.

Eh-eh-eh-eh.

Skip...

Where'd he get that?

Where do you think?

Darling, run up and
play in payne's room.

All right.

Let me introduce you.

Hi, everybody. I'm skip jackson,

Mary joseph's big brother.

Mary joseph?

That's what he calls me.

He wanted a brother.

Ow!

Well, she never
could take a punch.

I forgot what it's like to be
black and blue all the time.

Hey, baby sister, I'm here
to make up for lost time.

O.k., Let me introduce you here.

This is anthony bouvier.

He's one of our partners.

Hey, partner. How you doing?

Good to meet you.

Careful. That's my pitching arm.

And this is julia sugarbaker.

Hello, skip.

Carlene dobber.

Hi.

Really nice to
meet all of y'all.

Where's the little
one that nobody likes?

She's in the storeroom,

And I wish you wouldn't
go saying things like that.

Well, I didn't know
it was any big secret.

Women.

You never know what
they want, do you, anthony?

Well, now, actually, skip,

These women are very specific.

They boss me pretty good.

Well, hey, you just hang in
there. Don't take any guff.

I see you're
outnumbered here 4 to 1.

Does anybody know what happened

To that fabric I've had
on order from glencraft?

How do you do?

How do you do?

Mary jo, I was going
over my appointment book,

And I will be able to...

Make that dinner after all.

Well, I got to warn you. I
cook a pretty mean steak.

How do you like yours, allison?

Very rare.

Very juicy.

Well...

Ain't that a coincidence?

That's just how I like mine.

Small world.

Yeah...

But big possibilities.

I don't think we're talking
about barbecue anymore.

So, what time is this clambake?

My coals will be hot by 7:00.

You know, I'm not sure,

But I think somebody owes
some money to the cuss box.

I'm not saying there's
anything wrong with hunting.

I'm just saying
that it's archaic.

I don't think quint going
hunting will do any harm.

Everybody gets so crazy
over this bambi stuff.

Fishermen don't
put up with this.

People don't go, "ohh, they're
k*lling charlie the tuna."

Besides, it keeps the deer
population under control.

Wouldn't it be more humane

To put a little deer condom
machine up on a tree someplace?

Your nickel.

Carlene, would you like
to go to france right away?

I'm just doing my job.

Uncle skip, the coals are hot.

All right.

Hey, why don't you run
inside and get the dip?

All right.

What time are we
hunting tomorrow?

5 A.m., So you better
get some sleep.

Boy, you're going to be
tearing up them woods.

Right.

You know, you just...
Exude confidence

And masculinity.

I find that very stimulating.

Well...

Whatever it takes to float
your boat, sweetheart.

Excuse me, but what the heck
is going on between those two?

I don't know,

But it sure seems like there's
more than just steaks cooking.

I just love it when
I'm clever like that.

I wasn't going to say anything,

But it appears they've created

Their own little magnetic field.

Y'all are kidding.
You don't know skip.

She's not his kind.

He's just amusing himself.
She's far too straight-laced.

His idea of the perfect date

Is a girl who can blow all her
cookies and keep on partying.

Your name's not
really mary joseph is it?

No. He just calls me
that because I hate it.

'Course, it's better than
his other nicknames...

Double ugly and pippy.

Oh, I love that book.

Anthony, do you remember
pippy longstocking?

No, I don't, carlene.

I knew a guy named
pippy armstrong

If that's of any
interest to you.

Mom, I need to find
my long underwear.

It's in the laundry
room, sweetie.

I can't wait. Bang, bang, bang.

Quint, quint, don't make
those g*n noises, o.k.?

You have to if you're
going to k*ll a deer.

Uncle skip says
we'll fill our freezer.

Well, uncle skip is wrong.

I'm not having a big
old buck in my freezer.

You know, you can
lease a freezer for that.

Before dwayne, I dated
this guy named lyle,

But everybody called him booger.

He used to keep his game in
one of those rented lockers.

I remember for dinner
he'd take me down there

And let me pick
out my meat myself.

I felt just like a princess.

You know, carlene,

You've told two stories
involving this man

Already this week.

I kind of hope this
concludes the booger trilogy.

Hello, everybody.

Hey, bernice,

Aren't you a little
overdressed for a barbecue?

Well, I just came from
the opening of a carwash.

I thought that look-alike
job would be so easy.

Oh, I know who
you're supposed to be.

Ladybird johnson.

No.

O.k. Don't tell me.

That old miss america...
Uh... Bess meyerson?

No.

Leona helmsly?

No!

What the hell's the
matter with you people?

Haven't you ever heard
of queen elizabeth?

Oh, dear, don't tell
anyone I said hell.

I might lose my job.

Bernice, we have a cuss box now.

You owe me a nickel.

Great. I'll run a tab.

This is incredible, bernice.

What's the pay like?

Well, I don't think they're paying
me what the real queen makes,

But this is atlanta, and
we're not big-time look-alikes.

You should see the guy
who's playing prince charles.

He looks like ted koppel.

Hey, nobody told me queen
elizabeth was going to be here.

Well, nobody told me

A big old hunk of man
was going to be here.

You know I'm not
really interested in him,

But as the queen, I must
be gracious to everyone,

And that includes
telling big old farm boys

You dig their enchiladas.

Bernice, you really have
the queen's patter down.

It's very impressive.

Oh, really?

Would you call my
boss and tell him that?

Last night I got
confused at the carwash,

And I think maybe I pulled
my dress up over my head.

Well, now, that could
happen to anybody.

Bernice, let me introduce
you to my brother.

This is skip jackson. Skip,
this is bernice clifton.

She's a good friend of ours.

How do you do?

Well, I hope everybody's hungry.

Would you do the
honor, chef quinton?

Mmm-mmm.

Look at that. Thank you.

Oh, look, mary jo,

Were you still making me
and quinton lunch tomorrow,

'Cause you need to
make it for three.

Why?

Ahem...

Uh, allison's coming with us.

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Mary jo, we've all
done each other favors,

But this falls into the category

"You owe me big."

I didn't even go
hunting with my husband.

Of all the things one
could do on a saturday,

This ranks up there
with cleaning the drain.

I couldn't send quint off
with just allison and skip.

When skip gets around a woman,

He's very irresponsible.

Like the christmas he was 19.

He ran off with one
of santa's helpers

At the mall.

Just forgot to come home.

Your brother went
out with an elf?

Yeah.

An elf with really big gazongas.

Mary jo!

I could just ring his neck.

First he gets quint all excited

About coming out here,

Then he runs off in
the woods with allison.

How long does it take
to find hoof prints?

You know, allison
is kind of like an elf,

Like a little snotty elf.

All right. I want to
apologize for my cousin.

We sugarbaker women
have many eccentricities,

But answering
the call of the wild

With a coworker's brother

Has never been one of them.

I'm mad because I
had my eye on skip.

I made myself perfectly clear

With that enchilada remark.

What's the matter with me?

I'm attractive, I come
with my own tiara,

And I'm ready to boogie.

Bernice, now, I wasn't
going to bring this up,

But it was my understanding

That after the party last night,

You were fired.

So, why are you still
wearing that tiara?

Because, in case
you haven't noticed,

My arterial flow problem

Isn't flowing very
well this week.

I wear it because it
helps my circulation.

Is that all right with you?

And secondly, those
look-alike people

Can just kiss my royal rump.

They wouldn't know a good queen

If she blew up their nose.

And thirdly...

I... I forget what statement

I was going to make here.

I think I was going
to sing a song.

Well, maybe I'll just
see if this g*n's loaded.

I don't even have a license.

I certainly don't
want to sh**t a deer.

Now, hey, if a cow
or a lobster went by,

That would be a different story.

Surf and turf. All right!

You know, I think
being around y'all

Has made me more clever.

Maybe we should wake quentin,

Since his mom's going
to be sh**ting livestock.

Oh, leave the boy alone.

♪ Black man, black man

♪ Where have you gone to?

♪ Black man, black man

♪ Where did you go?

What the hell are
you singing about?

Anthony, I don't know.

It just comes. I
can't explain it.

It's a gift.

My gosh, how long are
they going to be gone?

They could have found
a herd of deer by now.

They could have
gone on safari by now.

Oh, my gosh!

What... What is it, a deer?

No, but it has four
legs and a white tail.

Well, julia, if you want to know

What bizarre behavior

Lurks in the gene
pool of your family,

Take a gander
through those glasses.

Oh! This is ridiculous.

I cannot... I cannot
believe what I'm seeing.

What is it?

Apparently mary jo's
brother and allison

Have located a vacant deer stand

And are laying claim to it

Even as we speak!

I don't get it.

Do you need a polaroid?

No, but I want to look.

Whoo!

I am so embarrassed.

Wow! That deer stand
looks pretty unstable,

And there's all these leaves

Just shaking everywhere.

Ooh! I just saw a
squirrel run for its life.

Anthony, take a look.

For a nickel, I'll
give you a peek.

Thanks for asking,

But I'll just use
my imagination.

I'll remember them
the way they were.

Let me take a look.

I'll give you a nickel

If I can see some skin.

Bernice, no.

I was just teasing.

You give me a nickel
when you cuss.

O.k. Give me the
damn binoculars.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

This looks familiar.

I...

You know, I think I've seen
this some place before.

As a matter of fact,

I may have done this before.

I know.

With the manager of
the car wash last night.

Well, now I think

I will turn in my tiara.

I see why they fired me.

Hey, mom, what's going on?

Where's uncle skip?

Uh, well, he... He's...

Oh, he's over there just
testing his equipment.

I thought I heard
his g*n go off.

Oh, now, this boy is amazing.

Oh, my gosh. Look.

Look. It's a deer.

Where?

There.

Where?

Just... Just there.

Oh, my gosh.

I've k*lled a deer.

Ohh.

Well, looks like
allison and bambi

Will both be going home

On the front bumper.

Where is allison?

Shouldn't she be back by now?

I'm sure she's too
ashamed to show her face.

Good morning, everybody.

Oh!

Isn't it a beautiful
day outside?

What?

Nothing.

Miss wood slut.

Oh...

I see.

Uh-huh.

Well, then,

I want to share something

With all of you.

You know, my whole life,

I've always been
very, very pretty,

But I've never
had any sexuality.

Oh, it's true.

But ever since I came
back to the south,

I've just felt my
sexuality burgeoning.

I... I don't know.

It must be the men down here.

They're just so masculine.

The men in new york
are... Are so whiny.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's just the humidity.

Please!

I really don't want
to hear any more.

I'll tell you what.

I don't really give a damn

About your burgeoning sexuality

Or your damn humidity.

And you can keep your damn hands

Off my damn brother,

Or...

I'll blow your butt out of here.

Paris, here we come.

Oh!

You people are so ridiculous.

Can't you take a joke?

That wasn't me up in that tree.

Well, it's true.

I mean, skip and I saw
that other couple,

Only we had the
decency to turn away.

We certainly didn't go looking

Through any binoculars.

Really.

I think you people

Should examine your morals.

Mary jo?

Uh-huh.

I'm leaving now.

Yeah, well, goodbye.

That's it? Goodbye?

Actually, I was
going to say goodbye,

Nice to see you,

Thanks for boinking my friend,

Hurting my son.

Next time,

Why not just burn my
house to the ground.

Boinking?

You never used to
say stuff like that.

Yeah, well, maybe I've changed.

One thing's for sure.

You haven't.

Hey, look.

That wasn't me and allison

Up in that tree.

It hardly matters.

You've had affairs
with my friends before.

Yeah? Like who?

Sandy decker.

Sandy decker was
a friend of yours?

I thought she was just an elf.

I... I... Look.

I never did any of
that to hurt you.

We're just real different
people, that's all.

Look at me.

I've been divorced twice.

I live in kentucky. I
sell office supplies.

I couldn't get through college.

You not only got through,

You put your
husband through, too.

You always could do it all.

And I made up to quint.

You did? What did you do?

I gave him $50.

What a fantastic idea.

That's what I was going
to suggest you do.

Look, pippy, I'm sorry, o.k.?

I don't know how
to do this stuff

Like you would.

I'm doing the best I can.

I know you are.

I just wish you would grow up!

Because some day,

Mom and daddy will be gone.

It's just going to
be you, me, and patty,

And we've got to
love each other.

Yeah, I guess we do.

I mean, you're stuck with me,

And I can't help it.

I'm just a big old bubba.

Yeah...

But you're my big old bubba.