06x11 - Julia and Mary Jo Get Stuck Under a Bed

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

♪ Oh oh

♪ Oh, georgia, now, my georgia

♪ Ah, you hear me, georgia

♪ No peace, no peace do I find

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind ♪

I thought that was pretty good.

I got into a fight at vantech's.

They said they could wire
the ice skating figurines.

Then they said there was no room

To hide the remote
control devices.

So you know what they did?

They enlarged all of
the ice skaters' bottoms.

Now they look like
that fat-assed family

On saturday night live.

Well, allison, we
could cover that

With big sweaters.

Really?

Mmm.

Well, I don't mean to
sound unkind, anthony,

But that certainly hasn't
worked for you so far.

Well, all I can say is,

At least I have a butt.

If I were you,

That would be the first thing

On my christmas wish list.

Children, children.

Julia, she broke into the
bathroom this morning

And stole my conditioner.

Imagine taking a shower

And having this
little white hand

Reach under the shower
curtain and snatch things.

It's like living at
the bates motel.

That is not conditioner.

It's a special formula

That adds volume to your hair.

If you keep using it,

You're going to
look like don king.

Anyway, I found out

That biddee martin and
lonnie hastings' yuletide house

Has these really great figurines

That have small, perky bottoms.

That's because they're
sponsored by sidco,

And they have a lot
more money to spend.

Oh, boy, speaking of money,

Somebody better
give bernice some.

Why?

She's out there arguing
with this cab driver.

She's trying to pay
him with a fruitcake.

Can you believe

Nobody appreciates a
home-baked gift anymore?

All they want is
money, money, money.

What are you doing here?

I'm on my way downtown
to return your gifts.

You haven't given
them to us yet.

Well, I know that,

But I don't think you're
going to like them anyway.

You see, it's that suzanne
somers thighmaster.

There's one for each of you.

I've been trying out
this thighmaster,

And it's just not
happening for me,

Although I'm now able to
cr*ck a nut between my knees.

Well, bernice, that's
a sweet thought,

But I've already got one.

Let me tell you,

That suzanne somers says
you can do it anywhere.

So I went to the laundromat.

I was doing it while my
clothes were drying,

And they asked me to leave.

Well, you will never
believe what just happened.

I was at the hardware store

To get extra bulbs for
our yuletide house door.

I ran into rusty,
who's on his way over.

He's also doing the wiring

For the chuck tremain house.

Chuck tremain. Isn't he
that channel 9 newscaster?

Yes, bernice. That's right.

Anyway, rusty says
he's already started

The wiring at chuck's house

And that lonnie and
jonelle and biddee

Have installed and camouflaged

A portable baby pool

To create the effect
of an ice skating rink

With, get this,
remote-control skaters.

I cannot believe that.

They're obviously
just copying us.

How did biddee and lonnie
hear about our plans?

Uh-oh. Moon alert.

I need my special
eclipse glasses.

Well, obviously, we
have a breach in security.

If I were you, I'd look at him.

He obviously has a lot
of trouble with breaches.

Wait a minute.

Either this is the most
extraordinary coincidence,

Or somebody has been
talking out of school.

Oh, well, i... I may have
made casual reference

To some of our projects

When I was talking
to the suppliers,

But I certainly never
compromised sugarbaker security.

I think we should get some
bricks and baseball bats

And go over there

And teach them the true
meaning of christmas.

Hey, anybody wants
to look around,

I got a key.

You've got a key
to chuck's house?

Yeah. I'm supposed
to finish my wiring.

The decorators
are taking time off,

And chuck's going to
bermuda for the weekend.

Tough life.

I hear he's the big
stud of atlanta.

Just like that wilt
chamberlain, I guess, huh?

Over 20,000 women served.

I don't think I'd be
bragging if I was him.

This mathematician said

That if you factored
in his free time

With the women he's been with,

He'd only have 30
seconds with each woman.

Maybe that's how
he got the name wilt.

Rusty, what were you
saying about the key?

If you want to take a
peek at the competition,

I'll allow it.

Hey, you're my pals.

Only seems fair if
they're ripping you off.

Well, you thinking
what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking it.

I think we're all
thinking the same thing...

Did one of us have sex
with wilt chamberlain?

I have to honestly say...

I believe I did.

I think it's pretty
dishonest to be spying

On other people's decorations,

Especially since you're
in a contest with them.

Carleen, we just want to see

If they're ripping us off.

I agree with carleen.

Let's just look around
and get out of here.

Anthony, you and
carleen and allison

Scope out the downstairs.

Julia and I will check
out the second floor.

You can't get in
the master bedroom.

Only chuck and the
decorators have keys.

He keeps a safe there.

We're not interested
in the family jewels,

Stud that he may be.

Oh, look.

Lonnie, jonelle, and biddee

Must have left that
open accidentally.

Mary jo, we don't have
any business in here.

They don't have any
decorations in the bedroom.

I know, I know,

But chuck has such a big
reputation with atlanta's ladies.

I'm just curious.

Oh, my god! Anthony, julia!

Chuck's back!

What's wrong?

Tremain and his
girlfriend just pulled up.

They're unloading their luggage.

Where's julia and mary jo?

I don't know, but we
got to get out quick.

Julia, mary jo, get down here!

All hands on deck!

Can you imagine if we
actually got caught?

We'd get kicked off the
yuletide homes tour and...

What was that?

I hope you're happy.

Somebody's coming,

And it's nobody's voice
I've ever heard before.

Except on the 6:00 news.

Oh, my gosh. It's chuck tremain.

Oh! What do we do?

Get in the bathroom.

No. That's the first place
he'll look. Under the bed.

I am not hiding
under anybody's bed!

Under the bed!

What the hell?

My door is half open.

Can you believe those
dingy decorators

Leaving my door open?

I better, uh, check my safe.

Chuckie.

Hmm?

I'm so glad they canceled
our flight to bermuda.

I just want to spend the
weekend in bed with you.

You know, I never
get tired of you...

That funny way you
crinkle your nose,

The way your hand
feels on my cheek.

It's like the first
time every time.

Did you bring in those
jellies of the world

That we got at the
airport's duty-free?

Yeah. They're in your carry-on.

O.k. Nothing's missing.

So, miss weather girl,

Maybe you can tell me
exactly what conditions

I should expect
for this weekend.

Well, as a matter of fact,

I feel a 48-hour heat wave

With no letup in sight.

The trouble with the weather is,

Everybody talks about it.

Nobody does anything about it.

Oh, god, chuck!

Oh, chuck. Oh, chuck. Oh, chuck.

Oh, man. This is a nightmare.

We shouldn't have
gone over there.

I can't understand why
they haven't called yet.

Maybe he found them.

I'm going to call
and see if he answers.

I just know it's not
going to do any good

For us to admit we were
there if they're caught.

They'll just have to take
the rap by themselves.

Well, that's real nice, allison.

Shh! Shh!

Oh, chuck. Oh, chuck. Oh, chuck.

Yeah?

Hello.

May I speak to chuck?

Who is this?

Guess.

Um... Jennifer?

No. Heather.

Tammy?

Uh, the other tammy?

Who was that?

I don't know. They hung up.

I recognized his voice.
He doesn't sound upset.

I guess he hasn't found them.

Poor mary jo and julia.

I wonder what they're doing now.

Oh, chuck!

Oh!

You're the best. You know that?

Well, I am number one
in all major markets.

Yep.

Oh, uh, jennifer?

Yeah, this is my private line.

What? No, I'll never
get tired of you...

That funny little way
you crinkle your nose,

Just the way you place
your hand on my cheek.

Just like the first
time every time.

O.k., Babe, got to run.

Mmm. Who was that?

Oh, wrong number.

What do you say we go eat?

Well, o.k., But you
know what I'd like

Before we go?

Just one more little appetizer.

Oh, chuck!

Oh, chuck.

Oh, chuck.

Oh, chuck!

If mary jo and julia

Had been picked
up by the police,

They would have called by now.

There is only one explanation.

They've started dating chuck.

No, they have not
started dating chuck.

I mean they must be
hiding and can't come out.

You know, I've
recently been watching

Reruns of the honeymooners,

And you are reminding
me more and more

Of that ed norton character.

That's just the kind of
goofy thing he would say.

Well, you remind
me of somebody I saw

On the discovery
channel the other night.

Yeah? Who?

Adolf h*tler.

Bernice, where have you been?

We've been worried about you.

Well, save it, sister.

I didn't see you
landing on the roof

With any green berets.

We came back for you.

She was on the lawn,

Trying to blend in
with the nativity scene.

Well, what did you
expect me to do?

You drove off without me.

I try to fit in wherever I am.

There's no sign
of julia or mary jo.

Well, they been missing
for eight hours now.

I just hope, wherever they are,

They're happy and well-fed.

Oh, chuck.

Ahh.

You are so incredible.
You know that?

You're incredible, too.

You know something?

Only when I'm with
you can I truly be me.

I'm starving. Let's
go out for dinner.

Oh, no. That'll take too long.

Let's just go to the kitchen.

I've got stuff in
the fridge. Come on.

O.k.

Oh, wait a minute.

I want to lock the door.

Why? There's nobody else here.

There's a lot of
cash in the safe.

I just feel better
when the door's locked.

Last one in the kitchen
is a rotten lover.

I don't ever want to
hear about, think about,

Or in any way

Be associated with
anything concerning sex

Ever again in my lifetime.

I can't believe he
locked the door.

We've got to get out of here!

What are we going to do?

I'll tell you what
we're going to do.

We'll call for
help on that phone.

We'll break that door down,

And if that doesn't work,

We are going to
jump off this balcony,

Because I cannot hear

One more "chuck!
Oh, chuck! Oh, chuck!"

In my life!

O.k.

I wonder what happened
to anthony and the others.

I mean, I can't believe
they'd just leave us here.

I don't know, but I'm starving.

Where are those
jellies of the world?

Maybe that bag.
Check his pockets.

Anthony! Where the hell are you?

Pardon my french, mary jo,

But where the hell are you?

I'll tell you where
the hell we are.

We've been locked
for the last six hours

In mr. Chuck tremain's
love chamber.

To be more specific,
under his bed.

And let me tell you something,

This man makes wilt chamberlain

Look like a whipped dog.

This man could be a
flagpole somewhere.

Anthony.

Anthony, listen.

You've got to get
us out of here.

I cannot take another
minute of this depravity.

This has gone way beyond

Breaking the decorating rules

For the yuletide home tour.

There is no way
that we can admit

That we have been under
this man's bed tonight

And have seen and heard

The things that we
have seen and heard.

We would have
to leave this state.

We would have to
leave this country.

We would have to hope

For two seats on
the space shuttle!

No one must ever know
that we were ever here.

No one must ever
speak of it again.

We're never going to watch
this guy on tv again either.

Anthony, when you come,
would you bring some food?

We haven't had a thing
since this morning,

Except for a tic-tac
we found under the bed.

Well, we split it.

Well, just hang in
there. I'm on my way.

Shh!

Wait.

I thought I heard...

"Oh, chuck. Oh,
chuck. Oh, chuck."

Listen, let's just
start yelling,

And when they come
through the door,

Let's hit them in the
head and knock them out.

What are we going
to hit them with?

Jellies of the world.

Don't answer that!

Listen, it might be anthony.

I'll bet rusty's got
this private number.

Hello.

No.

I'm sorry.

Mr. Tremain is out.

May I take a message?

This is his personal secretary.

Yes, heather,

As a matter of fact,

He did leave a message for you.

He said he never
gets tired of you...

The funny way you
crinkle your nose,

Just the way your
hand feels on his cheek.

It's like the first
time every time.

You're welcome.

Shh!

Wait a minute.

I think lolita and
thumper are returning.

I'm not getting
under that bed again.

We cannot go in the bathroom.

Get under the bed.

Wait.

Jellies of the world.

Ahh.

Mmm.

Well, I don't know about you,

But I'm ready for some dessert.

Oh!

Oh, chuck.

Oh, chuck.

Oh, chuck.

Oh, chuck.

Oh, chuck.

Oh, chuck.

Oh, chuck.

Oh, chuck.

Oh, chuck.

Oh, chuck.

Who could that be?

I'm looking for
mr. Chuck tremain.

That's me. What's going on here?

Well, I could ask you
the same question.

Does this bag look familiar?

Looks like mine. Who are you?

I'm special envoy
nigel betancourt

Of the american
embassy in bermuda.

I was with you in the
delta terminal tonight

When the switch was made.

Now I'm looking at a grade-five
breach of international security.

What are you talking about?

This is your bag.

You have my bag.

My bag contains many
highly sensitive documents

Pertaining to the very tricky and
politically volatile relationship

Between the united
states and bermuda.

I assume that, as a newscaster,

You are plugged into
how bermuda is tied

Into the current
middle east negotiations.

By the way, have
you opened the bag?

No.

Good.

Otherwise, I'd have to
have you reassigned,

If you get my drift.

Well, it's right over here.

I'll have to look in
that one, of course,

To make sure it's really mine.

Are you mad?

Of course, the
contents of the bag

Have already been confiscated
by the bermudan authorities.

You'll receive them
in two to four days

If your papers are in order.

Now... Oh... I will need someone

To witness this
little transaction.

What about her?

Well, the transaction
should be witnessed

By an american citizen.

This is my, uh, deputy
ambassadorette.

She's bermudese.

Listen to the man, man.

Do you have someone
here with you

Who could witness
this transaction?

Gail, come on downstairs.

There's something I
want you to do for me.

There's this crazy black guy

Who says he's the
ambassador from bermuda.

I don't know.

He says our bags got switched,

But he's wrong. This is my bag.

I don't know.
Where's my damn key?

Never mind. Let's just go.

I don't think I like this guy.

Look, mr. Betancourt,

You've got the wrong guy.

I looked in the
bag. My stuff's in it.

Are you completely insane?

I specifically asked
you not to do that.

Of course they
look like your things.

They're exact
replicas of your things.

Mr. Tremain, we are not
dealing with children here.

This is the bermudan
secret police.

They are the people

Responsible for
breaking the bcci scandal

And are personally responsible

For puerto rico not
obtaining the nuclear b*mb.

And you doubt that they
could switch a pair of jammies?

He's right, man. You're
in big trouble, man.

I'd hate to be in
your shoes, man!

Thank you.

Thank you, deputy
ambassadorette,

But I can handle this.

All right, I'll have to
ask you both to leave.

Oh, really?

Well, I'll have to ask you

And everyone on this premises

To leave this
premises immediately

On behalf of the
security and the integrity

Of the united states government,

The bermudan tourist bureau,

The kgb, the israeli
secret service,

And a consortium of
international arab emirates.

I am telling you,

This is the last time

I will come here and say this!

Everyone get out
of the building!

I'm telling you,

All employees and
extraneous personnel

Must leave the
building immediately!

This is your last warning!

You see, this is exactly
what I was talking about...

Extraterrestrial activity
sponsored by the ku klux klan.

Thank you, mr. Tremain.

You're a good american.

And until tomorrow night's news,

That's the way
it is. Good night.

You know something?

I've never wanted
you more in my life.

Oh, chuck.

Oh, chuck!

Oh, chuck!