06x14 - Driving My Mama Back Home

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

♪ Oh oh

♪ Oh, georgia, now, my georgia

♪ Ah, you hear me, georgia

♪ No peace, no peace I find

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

I thought that was pretty good.

Mary jo hasn't gotten back
here yet with her mother?

They're at the doctor,

Seeing if it's o.k.
For darla to travel.

That bunion surgery
is very painful.

Julia, it's sweet of you

To help mary jo take her
mama to south carolina.

Well, it's just a
four-hour drive.

We'll spend the night down there

And be back here
tomorrow around noon.

Mary jo seems to think
she needs me as a buffer

Between her mother and her.

Well, that mother/daughter
relationship's a tricky one.

It's hard for somebody
to consider you an adult

Once they've wiped your bottom

And pulled little
boogies out of your nose,

Unless, of course,
you're one of the judds.

Boy, they've just got
an ideal relationship.

That mama judd, she's
so cute and perfect

In those little spangly dresses.

She reminds me of a
little bendable barbie doll.

I can't imagine her
wiping somebody's bottom.

Can you, julia?

No, I can't, carlene.

I'm sure none of
us could until now.

I just cried and cried

When I saw their final
pay-per-view concert.

It's always been a
special dream of mine

To write a song for the judds.

So that's what I'm doing.

Of course now it'll
just be for the judd.

You'll inventory the
storeroom while we're gone,

Won't you?

Yeah. Don't worry about a thing.

You people really should
keep better control

Over your inventory.

You wouldn't even have a
lock on this storeroom door

If it wasn't for me.

When they put that lock in,

It was installed backwards.

Now it would only be useful

If one of the chinese vases

Decided to make a break for it.

I think I got this sucker down.

Anybody want to hear my song?

♪ Remember the good ol' days

♪ Remember the good ol' days

♪ They were good

♪ They were old

♪ They were days

♪ Remember the good ol' days

That's... That's
really good, isn't it?

Yes. That was good.

I thought it was good.

Hi, everybody.

We're back.

Mama wanted to come in

And say goodbye to everybody,

But her foot's hurting.

Julia, did I tell you
how very grateful I am

That you're coming
on this trip with us?

I love mother.

Why not? Everybody loves mother.

She's perky, pretty, and chirpy.

I have no idea why she
just drives me crazy.

Mary jo, it's o.k.

That's just the way
mothers and daughters are.

Not the judds.

I'm sorry.

What I meant to say was,

That's just the way
mothers and daughters are

Except the judds.

I'm glad that mama
came to atlanta

To have her bunion surgery.

I'm glad that she stayed with me

While she was getting
back on her foot.

But I could not bear

Being trapped in a
vehicle for that long

With just her and me.

I am very grateful.

Mary jo, it's o.k.

Listen. It's only a
four-hour car trip.

It's not like I just
liberated your city.

Well, actually...

It's not a car trip anymore.

What do you mean?

It's a bus trip.

It's a...

Bus trip.

Mother already
bought her bus ticket,

And she doesn't want
to be any trouble.

I can't let her
ride the bus alone

With her foot like that,

And I certainly
can't go on that bus

With just her and me.

I know it's a lot to ask.

Please, julia. I know it is.

Please.

Mary jo.

Mary jo, get up.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

How is it that the three
of us going on a bus

Will be less trouble

Than the three of us riding
in your comfortable car?

My mother tries so hard
not to be any trouble,

That she ends up
being more trouble.

It's not logical.

It's like the way
she whispers words.

We'll be in my living room,

Just the two of us,

And she'll say, "did you
hear about uncle lou?

"Prostate trouble.

"And they don't have
any health insurance,

"But I guess it's o.k.

Because they're very wealthy."

Oh, she drives me crazy.

But she could make a fortune

As a golf announcer.

All right. All right. Let's go.

You'll do it?

You'll go on the
bus. Thank you, julia.

You're welcome. Any time.

Of course you know
when I say any time,

What I mean is,

Never again on this earth.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Julia, I hate to be petty,

But you forgot to tell us

Who's in charge here.

What do you mean
by that, anthony?

Never mind, julia.

It was a ridiculous question.

After all, I have the larger
share of the partnership

Than anthony.

Yes, but I am the
senior partner.

I was here

Long before your skinny
butt blew into town.

You two just fight it out.

I'm getting tired

Of feeling like a
nursery school teacher.

We'll see you
tomorrow, o.k.? Bye.

O.k. Anthony and carlene,

Into the storeroom.

You are not the
boss of us, allison.

Oh, no, carlene.

You are not bringing your guitar

When we do inventory.

I won't play. I'll
just look at it.

If you're going to be
so pushy and bossy,

I don't understand
why we have...

Allison, did you just
close that door?

Yes, anthony, I did.

Well, let me put
this another way.

Did you just close that door

That locks from the other side,

Leaving us all three in here

While julia and mary jo
are gone until tomorrow?

What's your point?

Julia! Julia!

Mary jo! Mary jo!

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to florida.

Excuse me.

It's quite all right.

Oh, boy. Well, this is crowded.

Isn't it exciting?

Oh, now.

Well...

This is cozy.

Isn't it cozy, mary jo?

Oh, yes. Cozy's the
word I was going to use.

Can I help you, julia?

Wait. Wait.

There.

Maybe we should move up front.

Mary jo doesn't have a
very strong stomach.

When she was little,

We used to take
her on car trips,

And the minute
we'd get in the car,

She would upchuck.

I mean, it would fly
out and go everywhere.

Mother.

Oh. And she was
terrified of heights.

We took her to see rock city,

Where you can see seven states.

And she just fainted dead away.

That's what it was like

Traveling with
our little mary jo.

Just fainting and upchucking,

Fainting and upchucking.

I certainly do miss those days.

Would you like me to put
your bag up there, too?

Oh, honey, that's
much too heavy.

Why don't you ask that
gentleman to help you?

Which gentleman?

That one right there.

The one who's black.

What?

The one who's black.

Mother, it's o.k.

You can say it.

He's black.

It's o.k. To say that out loud.

He's black. He knows he's black.

He is a black man.

Can I help you?

Oh. Well. Yeah. Thanks.

I actually prefer
the term lawn jockey.

Well, this trip is
really going to be fun.

Oh, now, I have got a bag here

Just all full of goodies.

How about some
rice krispy treats?

Mary jo?

No, thanks, mom.

Julia?

No, thank you, miss jackson.

Uh, let's see.

There's peanut butter crackers.

And there's snickerdoodles,

And carrot sticks.

How about a box of juice?

It's amazing, isn't it?

We're thinking about sending
mother's purse to russia,

You know, to solve the
food shortage there.

Julia, are you sure you
don't want a rice krispy treat?

Well, maybe I
will have just one.

There you go.

Mary jo.

No, mama. I said no already.

Well, then, perhaps you
might like to offer one

To that nice lawn
jockey gentleman.

Mother!

Well, he said he preferred it.

O.k. Let's see if you
all like this one.

1, 2, 3, 4.

♪ He was a hard workin' man

♪ He was a hard workin' man

♪ He went to work

♪ He worked hard, he was a man

♪ He was a hard workin' man

Carlene.

Can't you put the guitar down

For just a little while?

Well, my gosh,

We've been in here
for over an hour.

I just wanted to do
something constructive

With my time.

You know what they say...

Busy hands are happy hands. Hey.

♪ Busy hands

♪ Are happy hands

♪ Busy hands...

But broken hands are not
so happy, are they, carlene?

I can't get these hinges off.

Mary jo and julia

Will never let
us live this down.

They're gone for five minutes

And look what happens.

I've got to get out of here.

Oh. Anthony, look.

There's a heating duct.

Go through it.

You're the little one.
You go through it.

Well, all right. I will.

Give me a boost.

And get it open for me.

Allison, why are
you in such a hurry

To get out of here?

I have an appointment
with my therapist tonight.

How's that obnoxious
personality disorder coming along?

Just shut up and
push! Would you?

Ooh. Not so good I guess, huh?

Allison, what happened?

I'm stuck.

I...

Can't go any further.

Well, you morons.
This isn't working.

Oh, I don't know.

I think it's working just fine.

I'm going to excuse myself.

Mary jo.

Do you need to
go to the bathroom?

No.

I don't have to.

You finished all your juice.

Really, I'm o.k.

It's not healthy
to hold it too long.

I'm 37. I know when
I need to urinate.

Mary jo.

I can't believe it.

You're taking all the
class out of this bus.

It's o.k.

I can go by myself.

Oh.

O.k. O.k.

Mary jo.

Has it occurred to you

That your mother
wanted you to go

To the bathroom with her

Because she's a little
unsteady on her feet?

Oh, sh**t. You're right.

I'm a pig.

No, you're no pig.

You're just not yourself.

Talk to her like
you're her friend.

If she doesn't know you,

Tell her who you are.

You can use this kleenex

If you need to go.

Also, you'll need this lysol.

This purse is like a clown car.

Well, i...

I believe I will avail myself

Of the facilities.

Maybe we should
use this opportunity

To kind of get to know
each other better.

Well, mary jo, I think I
know you pretty well.

I am your mother.

Yeah, well, there's a
lot of things about me

That you don't know.

Like what?

Well...

Like, uh...

I'm planning on
having another baby.

Well, sweetheart,

That's wonderful.

Well, you're still young,

And there's plenty
of time to remarry.

Well, actually, I'm not
waiting for a husband.

I'm being inseminated
at this sperm bank.

Boy, that makes
me think of my cat,

Miss pixie.

Boy, I surely do miss her.

I had to put miss pixie down.

Why are you talking
about your cat?

Well, don't you remember?

You were a little girl,

But this tomcat came
sneaking in our dryer vent

And got miss pixie in trouble.

I see.

What are you talking about?

You think that if I'm
going to a sperm bank,

I must be like some cat in heat,

Just waiting by the dryer vent

For some tomcat to come in.

I never said any such thing.

Mama, just forget it.

Drop it. O.k.?

I'm sorry I even brought it up.

Just forget it.

I'm sorry. Forget it.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry I made
you come on this trip.

I'm sure you wish
you were back home

With anthony and
carlene and allison.

I'm sure they're having
a much better time.

You guys, this
isn't funny anymore!

You really should let
her out of there now.

All right.

Oh, allison.

I'm going to get you out now.

Wait.

What's the matter?

I don't want you
to look up my dress.

Carlene, blindfold him.

For crying out loud.

O.k. We'll just
use this thing. O.k.?

All right, allison.

I'm blindfolding him.

O.k.

There you go. Turn around.

Whoo! That looks good.

All right, allison.

I'm blindfolded.

I'm going to get
you out of here.

All right. Come on now.

Wait. Not so fast.

And pull evenly on both legs.

If I was stuck in a heating vent

With my skirt over my head,

I wouldn't be so bossy,
if you get my drift.

Thank you for not
looking up my dress.

Oh. It's my pleasure.

Gosh, you must be starving.

Unfortunately, we don't
have anything to eat.

Let's just sleep.

This is going to be fun,

Just like camping.

I'll be fine as long as
nobody mentions food.

What's that noise?

It sounds like chewing.

I think it's a mouse.

Julia, would you
excuse us, please?

Well, of course, miss jackson,

But I don't know
exactly where I would go.

Mary jo.

I hope that was
just a nervous tick

Brought on by some
dread neurological disease

And not a suggestion that
I return to that bathroom.

What I do for my friends.

Mary jo, when I mentioned
miss pixie getting in trouble,

That didn't mean I didn't
love those kittens.

I mean, you know I loved them.

Just getting some air.

So, what are you saying, mama?

I'm saying that I love you,

And I would love to
have another grandchild.

You would?

Yes, I would.

And if you have to do
it with some sperm club,

Well, I could understand that.

So, what you're telling me

Is that it's o.k. With you

If I just want to...

Stand by the dryer vent

And see what comes in?

Well, I wish you wouldn't
put it just that way,

But, uh, yes.

Well, I'm going to take that

As your unqualified approval.

Thank you.

I'm sorry,

But I cannot stand it in
there one more minute.

I can put a pillow over my head.

I can put my fingers in my ears

And hum melancholy baby.

But I won't go back
in that bathroom.

It's all right, julia.

We've finished.

Oh.

Thank you.

Hey.

Oh. Guess they're not in yet.

Maybe they worked
real late last night.

No, no, no. They're all here.

Their cars were all outside.

Carlene!

Allison!

Anthony!

Yes?

Oh, hey. We're here.

Got the early bus.

We stopped by the
bakery already.

Anthony, you all weren't
locked in that storeroom,

Were you?

Of course not.

Don't be silly.

We just came in early to work.

That's right.

How was y'all's trip?

Actually, it turned out o.k.

Oh, good. I'm glad.

So when did you get locked in?

Right after we left?

Excuse me.

I know that you think

We are complete
buffoons without you,

But we do have some
degree of competence, o.k.?

I don't think we're
going to know

Exactly what
happened last night,

But we know you got
the inventory done.

Inventory?