06x16 - Carlene's Apartment

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

♪ Oh oh

♪ Oh, georgia, now, my georgia

♪ Ah, you hear me, georgia

♪ No peace, no peace do I find

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

I thought that was pretty good.

The radio just said the
space shuttle returned early

Because their treadmill
and vcr were broken.

Their fax was jammed.

What kind of people are
these astronauts today?

Wimps who can't even
be up there 24 hours

Without seeing home alone.

Mary jo, I'm sorry.
I hate to interrupt.

Your morning monologues
are always so witty.

I'll bust if I don't tell
you my announcement.

Oh, that's right.

Carlene has a very
important announcement.

Let's all give her our
undivided attention.

Carlene... The floor is yours.

Oh, I didn't know you'd
make it that big a thing.

I'm feeling kind of nervous.

Like I'm in one of those
deodorant commercials

Where they say...

"You work hard,
and you smell bad."

For crying out loud.
Carlene, just spit it out.

I got my own apartment.

I'm a full-fledged,
full-time career gal

With a bachelorette pad.

I love that word "pad".

I thought you were staying
at charlene and bill's house.

They had house-swapped
with that couple from london,

And the couple called,

Said they were
returning earlier.

So I thought, well,

It's time for carlene dobber
to spread her wings and fly.

That's beautiful.
I'm so happy for you.

Well, back to work.

Oh, w-w-wait. Wait.
I'm not through.

Don't tell us.

You bought matching lava lamps.

What I wanted to do

Was invite you all to come
for dinner and spend the night,

To christen my pad.

Well, why spend the night?

I just thought
it would be fun...

Like being in the sorority
I never got to be in.

And anthony, you come, too.

Well, that's very
thoughtful of you, carlene.

I never got to be
in a sorority either.

Well, there you go, then.

Isn't it great how things

Automatically work
out for the best.

Do you ever feel like

You're starring in a
sit-com of your own life?

I mean, sometimes I'll just
be walking down the street.

It's the carlene dobber show.

Starring carlene dobber.

I'd have my at-home
friends and my work friends.

Y'all would be my work friends.

It would also say,

"Also starring julia
sugarbaker as the boss."

"Allison sugarbaker as...

"The person who
wants to be the boss.

"Mary jo shively as the
sympathetic neighbor and best friend.

"And anthony bouvier as jerome!"

And you'd always have a
catch phrase. Something like...

Yo' mama.

Thank you, carlene.

Nice to have a character
that's so fleshed out.

I bet you've thought
about that a lot.

Are you kidding? I've
even got a theme song.

♪ Bom-bom bom bom bom

♪ Doin' it the best I can

♪ Givin' it the most I got

♪ Goin' on the
wings of my dreams

♪ Doin' it the best I can

Then we all go sliding down
a great big slide together.

I cannot believe that
we are driving down

To a cruddy studio apartment

To roast wienies on a hibachi

And spend the night.

Allison, this is a very
important night for carlene.

I've never seen her so
excited about anything,

And i, for one, would not do
anything to spoil her plans.

Except, of course, I will
restrict myself to one wienie.

All I can say is...

We're leaving at
the cr*ck of dawn.

Yes, allison, fine. We will
leave at the cr*ck of dawn.

You've said it 15 times.

Look, this is not
fun for any of us.

But I would not want to
hurt carlene's feelings.

Although personally I
needed to stay home tonight

And give my dog
brownie a flea dip.

It's going to be a long night.

Who...

Brought a pink vinyl bag

With barbie on it?

All right.

I'll just look and find out.

O.k., Allison. It's mine.

I bought it for my niece,

But I haven't mailed it to her.

I couldn't find my
own gym bag. O.k.?

Anthony, could we
have taken a wrong turn?

I haven't been in
this area for years,

But it certainly looks run-down.

Run-down? I think
that's putting it mildly.

The only thing we've
seen for the past 3 miles

Are bars and nudie places.

This is a redneck slum.

It seems carlene has
found her way home.

I'll tell you
what I don't get...

What's the difference
between "live nude,"

"Totally nude," and
"completely nude"?

I mean, I figure, you
know, with all of them

You're... Pretty much nude.

Then of course
there's "exotic nude."

I guess that means you get
to put a flower someplace.

Was that g*nf*re?

No. It was probably
just... Fireworks.

Someone is celebrating.

Celebrating what?

I don't know, allison.

Ground-hog day.

Oh, right.

Anthony, you're getting
up at the cr*ck of dawn

And driving me home.

Yo mama.

Hi. Welcome to my pad.

Come on in.

I thought y'all were
backing out at the last minute.

Well, julia, you're
my first guest, 1992.

You win the door prize.

Thank you, carlene.

What's that smell?

Homemade potpourri.
Jasmine and honeysuckle.

I made it myself.

That stuff they sell in stores

Just isn't strong enough.

Mm-hmm.

When I get time,

I'll make you all little
bathroom wreaths

To hang over your toilets.

Well, why don't
we all go home now

And clear a space for them?

Don't be silly, allison.

We haven't even seen
carlene's new apartment yet.

Uh, yeah. You have, actually.

If you'll just do
a little circle,

You'll take in the whole thing.

Here's the foyer for
your bags and coats.

Over here we have
the living room,

Dining room,
kitchen, and bedroom.

So... See it. Come on, sit down.

Yeah, good.

So...

Carlene, are you sure
this neighborhood is safe?

Oh, yeah. There's police
around here all the time.

As a matter of fact,

I heard they actually
filmed an episode

Of that tv show helltown

In the laundry
room of this building.

Also, that chaise longue is
broken, so don't lean back.

What can I get
everybody to drink?

I've got caffeine-free
everything

And sherbet punch.

Punch will be fine.

Punch sounds good.

Punch it is, then.

Help yourself to the cheese
doodles and the bridge mix.

I was going to make
cocktail wienie appetizers,

But since I'm serving
hot dogs as an entree,

I thought it would be redundant.

Good thinking.

Now I'm gonna be
here in the kitchen,

But we can still talk.

O.k.?

You know I invited
bernice tonight.

I thought she would be
perfect as the wacky neighbor

In the sit-com of my life.

But she hasn't showed up yet.

I wonder why.

You invited bernice to
come here by herself?

Well, I gave her a map.

Bernice is dead.

Carlene, bernice
gets lost in a mall.

She'll never find her way here.

Hi, everybody.

Hey.

I'm sorry I'm late,

But I couldn't resist
going to one of those bars

And seeing what "live,
totally nude" is all about.

I can't believe you
went in there either.

What is it all about?

Listen, sister, I'm not telling.

If you want to find out,

Go in there and pay
17.50 for a bad mai tai

And then we'll talk.

Oh, no. She's in that
belligerent mode.

Let's don't engage her.

Hell, I don't want to be
engaged to any of you either.

Bernice, I'm glad you're here.

Where's your overnight bag?

I don't need one.

I have my pajama bottoms on

Underneath my clothes,

And I don't sleep in a top.

Looks like the cr*ck of dawn

Has rolled around
quicker than expected.

Thank you for the
hospitality, carlene.

Ooh, dear me. What
is that awful smell?

Is someone spraying for bugs?

No, actually that is homemade
potpourri that carlene made.

Julia won some as a door prize.

Well, you should take it

And get the hell out of here.

It stinks.

Shh.

O.k. Here's the drinks.

I'm sorry I've only
got service for four,

But I'll be getting
some dishes real soon.

Well, this is attractive.

Yeah, that's my
toothbrush glass,

But I washed it out real good.

Carlene, is your
balcony on fire?

Oh, no, no. That's my hibachi.

I guess I better put
those hot dogs on.

I didn't come all this way
for some damn hot dog!

Bernice, I think you're
becoming a little abrasive.

I don't care what you think.

If you want to mess with me,

Let's just take it outside.

You're losing
control of yourself.

No, I mean it. Let's rumble.

I've been wanting a piece
of you for a long time.

Now bernice, calm down.

Don't mess with me, mandingo.

I'll cut you!

It's going to be a long night.

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Mary jo, what's the matter?

My hot dog doesn't
smell quite right.

I don't see how it
could be possible,

But it smells like
that potpourri.

Well, just hang on.

10 More hours and
we can get out of here.

You people whine too much.

If you don't like
it, don't eat it.

Just put it in your
purse like I did.

Is everything o.k.?

Oh, yeah. Great. I love it.

Oh. I'm going to
turn the radio on

And play some music.

Y'all, I'm so sorry

That you have to blow
up these air mattresses.

I had an air pump
around here somewhere,

But it's just gone.

Well, that's all right.

I never feel a social
evening is complete

Unless I have at least
one collapsed lung.

It's your turn to walk the dog!

It's your dog. You walk him!

You're looking like him anyway.

Hey, get your big
butt off the couch

And do something,
for a change...

Who was that? He had a key.

To your apartment.

Yeah. That was cheech.

He's got a key to
everybody's apartment.

He's the block warden.

He checks on your
apartment three times a day,

Whether you're home or not.

Carlene, are you crazy?

He is a lowlife scum.

He's robbing you blind.

Cheech? No.

No. He's got so much
stuff in his apartment,

Including three stereos.

I don't think he'd
want anything of mine.

Hey, stuff, have you
inflated my mattress yet?

Bernice, my name is not stuff,

And it is not mandingo,

And I'm not inflating
this mattress for you.

If you want to sleep on a
mattress, start puffing.

♪ Black man, black man

♪ Where did you come from?

All right. You just
stop that right now.

I've had quite enough of that.

Anthony, what's with
your air mattress?

This looks more like
a full-figured gal.

Oh, anthony, I am so sorry.

You know, I got
these air mattresses

At a discount store
around the corner.

Yours must have been a joke.

Well, not to me,

And I'm not sleeping on
anything called "inflate-a-date."

If you ladies want me,
I'm sleeping out in the van.

I mean, I do have some pride.

Put it on!

I'm not doin' it!

Put it on!

I'm not doin' it!

For cryin' out loud,

Whatever it is, just put it on!

Ohh... Is it just me,

Or can't anybody sleep?

These mattresses are
making some rude noises.

Boy, bernice sure isn't
having any trouble.

She was awful feisty tonight.

I bet she forgot to take
her blood pressure medicine.

You think we ought
to roll her over?

No! No!

No, no. Don't wake up bernice.

She'll just want to do that
indian leg-wrestling again.

Well, since nobody
can sleep anyway,

We ought to just have some fun

And do some
slumber-party things.

Y'all may think I'm nuts,

But when charlene
went to that reception

At buckingham palace?

She had to go to
the ladies room,

And she passed this telephone,

And their phone
number was written on it.

I have the number!

We could call the
queen of england.

Let me get this straight.

You're going to make
a prank phone call

To queen elizabeth ii?

Oh, no, no. Not a
prank phone call.

A nice phone call.

A phone call to say,
"hey, how you doing?"

I'm sure she doesn't
answer the phone herself,

But maybe we'd
get through to her.

What time is it in england?

I don't know.
Probably about 10 a.m.

Hey, julia, since you're
the most sophisticated one,

Why don't you talk to her?

Carlene, I don't think
it's going to happen.

If we do, will you
say hey to the queen?

If we do, I will say
hey to the queen.

It's ringing.

Carlene, while we're waiting

For the queen to pick up,

Let's just talk for a moment

About this apartment.

Are you really
happy living here?

Well, of course I am.

Gosh, I'm so independent
here, you know?

I've followed everybody
else's rules all my life.

Now I follow my own rules.

sh**t, if I don't feel
like putting clothes on,

I just have naked day.

Have you ever done that, julia?

No, I don't believe
I have lately.

If you ever do,
I got two tips...

First, shut all
the window blinds,

And do not try to fry chicken.

Hello.

Hello.

Yes. May I speak to
the queen, please?

My name is carlene dobber.

Yes, I'll hold.

Aah! They put me on hold!

They're probably
tracing the call.

I bet they've got your
parents' house in hooterville

Surrounded by now.

Shh.

I cannot believe
you're doing this.

Pick up that extension, mary jo.

Carlene, let's get
back to this apartment.

Don't you find this
neighborhood a little intimidating?

Maybe this apartment
isn't that bad.

Maybe we've gotten
too safe and suburban.

I remember my first apartment

Was down in guadalajara,

When ted was down in mexico.

It wasn't exactly the taj mahal.

Chickens ran around in the hall

And there weren't any
doorknobs on any of the doors.

I had to wear one on a string.

I don't they're ever picking up.

Oh, well... Oh.

Hello? Hello?

Yes, ma'am. My name
is carlene dobber.

Well, how do you do?

Yes. It's her!

Uh-huh.

I wanted to tell you
I'm with some friends,

And I am just your biggest fan.

Yes, I have a subscription

To royalty and
majesty magazines.

Oh, y'all stop teasing us.

No, it sounds just like her!

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, wake me when you
get through to elvis.

So how was your christmas?

Carlene. Carlene.

What?

Did she say she was the queen?

Of course she did
not say she was queen.

I'm calling her.

She doesn't say,
"hi, I'm the queen."

Incoming! Incoming!

Who is it?

It's anthony!

Oh.

O.k. That's it.

Everybody downstairs to the van.

Don't bother dressing.

Just put your coats
on, 'cause we are leaving.

I'm on the phone.

Who with?

The queen of england.

Oh, right.

Yo mama!

I cannot believe
you said yo mama

To the queen of england
and hung up on her!

I was sleeping in the van

And when I'd drifted off,

The van started
rocking and rolling.

Three white guys are
trying to take off the tires.

My point is, the cr*ck of
dawn has rolled around

And the van is
leaving in five minutes.

Hallelujah.

Are we leaving?

Yes.

Good. I've had to
go to the bathroom

For seven hours, but
there's no toilet paper there.

Just more of that damned
potpourri on a rope.

Where y'all going?

Carlene, we're leaving,
and you should come, too.

I know this is your first pad,

But I believe this
place is dangerous.

You do?

The word "hellhole"
comes to mind.

Mary jo, do you agree?

Oh, yeah.

Definitely. Hellhole!

Oh, well, that's a relief.

I thought it was just me.

I thought I was being a
dumb-hick country girl.

But now that you're afraid, too,

I feel better.

Carlene, come with us now,

Stay with me tonight,

And tomorrow we'll
find you a new apartment.

I'll get my coat.

Carlene, I'm sorry
you'll no longer star

In your own imaginary
television series.

But, julia, I will.

Only this time, it'll be
four career gals on the go

And their friend jerome

And their wacky friend,
the indian leg-wrestler.

And at the beginning
of the show,

We'll all link arms and sing...

♪ Doin' it the best I can

♪ Givin' it the best I got

♪ Flyin' on the
wings of our dreams

Here. You can
carry my bag for me.

Uh-huh. Yo mama.

♪ Black man, black man

♪ Where do you...