06x18 - A Scene from a Mall

[bunniefuu]

♪ Georgia

♪ Oh, georgia

♪ The whole day through

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

♪ Oh oh

♪ Oh, georgia, now, my georgia

♪ Ah, you hear me, georgia

♪ No peace, no peace do I find

♪ This old, sweet song

♪ Keeps georgia on my mind

I thought that was pretty good.

"58% Of american men
would rather sleep

With betty rubble
than wilma flintstone."

I can see it, though.

Betty's so bubbly and
vivacious and sweet.

Wilma's kind of a nag.

That bun that she wears
is just way too severe

For her bone structure.

Julia, who would
you rather sleep with,

Fred or barney?

I don't know, carlene.

I've never thought about it.

Come on. Think about it. Who?

I wouldn't care
to think about it.

Oh, come on, julia.
Barney or fred, who?

If I had to say
something, I'll say fred.

Ooh!

Ooh! Fred?

I just couldn't
make that choice.

It just makes me
kind of squeamish

To think of fred like that.

He doesn't even wear pants.

I cannot believe you
people are sitting here

Discussing the sexuality
of cartoon characters.

Get a grip. They're
two-dimensional.

Well, gosh, allison,

So are you.

Good morning, everybody.

Congratulations are in order.

I just got out of
a traffic ticket,

And I was guilty.

How'd you do that, mary jo?

I flirted.

When the officer
came up to the car,

I just looked up
at him and said,

"I am so sorry, officer.

I was so wrong."

Then I just kind
of tossed my hair

In that breck girl kind of way.

It's just as I always
suspected, mary jo.

You may talk the
feminist party line,

But inside you is a bimbo
yearning to breathe free.

I don't see anything wrong

With putting on
some southern charm,

Especially if it helps you
avoid going to the pokey.

Please don't give me that tired,
old yarn about southern charm.

I certainly haven't
been the recipient of any.

Oh, I don't know, allison.

We haven't kicked your behind

Out into the street yet.

I think that's pretty
darn charming.

Good morning, ladies.

Hi, anthony.

Bernice!

What on earth happened to you?

Are you messing with me?

Don't mess with me, lady.

You better back off, julia.

Nobody is messing with you.

Just sit down here
and let me explain.

Anthony, what triggered this?

She's all keyed up

Because we had this
altercation at the mall.

I promised I'd take her down

So she could buy
some new dainties.

I felt uncomfortable

Being with all those
private-wear things,

So I chose to wait outside

And window-shop next door.

When I was coming out

With my new
tummy-control panty-girdle,

I saw these two
hunky-looking guys

Standing over anthony's
prostate on the ground.

Bernice, I was prostrate.

She thought it was
the new candid camera

And wanted to meet dom deluise,

But the mall cops assured
her they were serious,

And they were detaining
a possible jewelry thief...

Me.

Jewelry thief?

That's when I hit 'em.

You hit a mall cop?

Just a couple of times,

In the face, with my purse.

Just back up a little here.

Why did they suspect

You were a jewelry thief?

As I said, I was
window-shopping next door.

The store owner thought
I was casing the joint,

So he called security.

Well, why did he jump
to that conclusion?

I think maybe it was

Because I was tall,
handsome, and dark.

Anthony, are you sure you're
telling the whole story?

I mean, there must be
extenuating circumstances.

Yes, allison.

In this case,

Extenuating is
spelled b-l-a-c-k.

I think this whole incident
is spelled s-t-u-p-i-d.

You people can stop spelling.

I know every dirty
word there is.

What are we going
to do about it?

Hold it.

We aren't going to do anything.

I called the naacp

And the better business bureau.

What are they going to do?

They're getting back to me.

I'd like to make a few
phone calls myself.

Please, julia.

Don't blow this
out of proportion.

I mean, the guards
did release anthony.

The shop owner was trying
to protect his business.

After all, he doesn't
know anthony,

And, well, let's face it,

Anthony can be frightening.

Do you have any
idea what it's like

To wake up and find
him beside your bed

Wearing your shower cap
and brandishing a spatula?

Oh, allison. Does
that scare you?

Yes, it does.

Good.

I think we should get a bunch

Of those big, hairy men

That work the cafeteria
line at leisure land

And trash the joint.

Just relax, bernice.

Just calm down.

No way, jose.

I'm head up and ready to rumble.

I'm a mother hen,
and you're my chick.

When you're picking on my chick,

You're pecking on
the wrong side of me.

Ooh, bernice, that's good.

Could I use that in a song?

I've heard you play.

I'd have to say no way.

Anthony, excuse
me for being naive.

How could something like this

Happen to someone like you?

This happens to me all the time,

Just on a smaller scale.

Let's try to keep
things in perspective.

I was stopped

By some pimply-faced,
teenage, mall cops.

On the intelligence scale,

They score slightly
higher than guppies.

You put guys like
that in a uniform,

They just lose control.

They're ignorant,
but that's not illegal.

Wouldn't it be something
if it was, though?

We could just go to
that jewelry store,

Dial 911,

They'd show up and
say, "ignorance police.

We're running you
in for being stupid."

That sounds nice, carlene,

But they couldn't
build enough jail cells.

I say we get on the phone

With our local councilman,

Our congressman,
the aclu, the mayor,

And see if we can
get some action.

I know you're poised

And ready to go into
a speed-dialing frenzy,

But this happened to me.

I want you all to
just stay out of it.

I have to go to
boresa branum's house

And take down
those victorian lamps.

We just installed
them last week.

Apparently the tassels
scared her dachshund.

See?

Doesn't this put
things into perspective?

Here we are,

All worried about
discrimination,

When there are innocent
wiener dogs out there

Being harassed by lamps.

Well, I just think
we ought to try

To do something about this.

Really, let us
try to look at this

From the shop
owner's perspective.

Mistakes like this
get made every day,

And they are not always
racially-motivated.

I remember one
night in new york,

I was in the elevator,

And a big, scary guy,

Who just happened
to be black, got in.

I didn't feel comfortable,

So I got off,

But as the doors closed,

I was sensitive enough to shout,

"It's not because you're black,

It's because you're scary."

Ignorance police.

We have to run you
in for being stupid.

We'd like to speak with the
director of security, please.

What do you want?
He's kind of busy.

Don't give us any lip.

What's your badge number?

Excuse us, young man,

But we're kind of busy, too,

So could you tell him

Julia sugarbaker and
associates are here to see him?

Julia, remember,

That I'm only along to
protect our reputation,

So let's not drag the firm

Into this little "racial"
misunderstanding.

Keep it light. Keep it perky.

I didn't march in the face

Of bull conner
and his police dogs

So some rent-a-cops
could work out

Their clint eastwood
fantasies on anthony.

That aside,

I've every intention to
keep it light and perky.

Ms. Sugarbaker?

What can I do for you?

We're here, because
earlier today,

Our friend and
associate anthony bouvier

Was accosted by your staff.

I saw the whole thing.

Someone here owes
me a panty-girdle.

I'm an old navy man,

So let me put it this way.

This mall is my ship.

I run a tight ship.

Your friend was a barnacle,

So we scraped him off.

Apparently,

You've broken loose from
your moorings, skipper.

Sir, we just feel an
apology is in order,

And we came down

To make sure that
our friend gets one.

I'd apologize,

If my crew did something wrong.

Violating civil rights.
Using excessive force.

I'm doing my job.

We have to keep our eye
on those kind of people.

"Those kind of people"?

What do you mean,

"Those kind of people"?

Could you mean...

Barnacles?

That's right. Barnacles.

Let this serve as notice

You've now lost five
customers from this mall.

Uh, who?

Us.

I've never shopped here.

It doesn't matter, carlene.

I didn't know it
was for the impact.

Tonight, we'll call
five of our friends.

They'll call five friends.

Before long,

There will be no one
left on this sinking ship

But you and your
uniformed rats, matey.

Excuse me.

I am not really
with these people.

Allison, thank you for
having the solidarity

Of a bowl of jell-o.

If you ladies have
had your say...

I'm not finished.

Yes, you are, or I'll
have you removed.

Try it.

Don't lay a hand on me!

You're trespassing.

Leave or I'll have you arrested.

By your g*ng of
slack-jawed, teenage mutants?

I don't think so.

Call the police.

Julia, come on. Now get a grip.

Julia, let's not do this.

I don't want to be
arrested today.

I wore ratty underwear.

I do not want to
be strip-searched.

If we went home now,

We could call those five people.

We could call 10 or 15 people.

Anyone who wants to can join me.

I'm staging a sit-in.

Well, you know what they say...

Two's a couple,
three's a movement.

Right on, sister.

Do you have a chair?

I'm too old to sit on the floor.

Thank you.

Now kiss off, pig.

This is my first
official sit-in.

What do I do?

You sit, carlene.

O.k.

Am I doing it right, julia?

What, carlene?

Sitting-in, you know.

Hey, I could lead a cheer.

That's my strength.

Pork chops, pork
chops, greasy, greasy.

We can b*at
prejudice, easy, easy.

Come on.

Pork chops, pork
chops, greasy, greasy.

We can b*at prejudice...

That'll do.

I hope you're all satisfied.

The police are here.

Everybody link arms.

If they touch you, go limp.

If they drag us
out, go out singing.

You got this down pat.

We're not going to
really get arrested,

Are we?

It's a possibility.

This might go on my
permanent record.

Sit down.

Nobody has a permanent
record after high school.

Are you sure
about that, mary jo?

Why didn't they tell
me at graduation?

Maybe you were absent that day.

All this time I could
have been bad?

O.k., Ladies.

Come outside, and
let's talk this over.

You'll have to
drag us out, copper!

That's the only way
you'll get my butt out!

I'm bad. I'm real bad!

You can't put that on
my permanent record.

What are you looking at?

Yeah. This is the place.

Hi. Jeff south,

Channel six news, police b*at.

What's the story here?

Oh...

Well...

These women, whom I don't know,

Are, uh, doing something
I know nothing about.

This is a civil rights protest.

Call some backup.

We got a trespassing

And a disorderly conduct.

They're not moving.

Hey, breck girl!

Better toss that hair

Or you'll be another
big-house bimbo.

Sing, everybody. Sing!

♪ Solidarity forever...

Live, from the green tree mall,

Where a major
incident is unfolding,

As a group of women

From the interior
design firm sugarbaker's...

You weren't supposed
to mention that.

Let me have this.

♪ Black man

♪ Black man

♪ Black man

♪ Black man

Anthony, I'm so sorry.

I didn't think it'd
escalate like this.

When have you ever
taken up a cause

And it did not escalate?

You see,

You all just go too far.

Excuse me.

I did not go too far.

In the midst of their
extremist harangues,

I maintained a
middle-of-the-road position.

The only thing in the
middle of the road

Is a yellow streak
and some dead possums.

I'm here to tell you I had fun.

I am a free woman.

Permanent record, hah!

What a crock!

I'm going to ride a
motorcycle without a helmet.

I'm going to rent me a
mickey rourke movie.

I'm going to french
kiss on the first date.

I'll run with
scissors in my hand.

Carlene!

We should thank mary jo

For keeping us out of jail.

I merely smiled pleasantly.

I was surprised as everybody

When they let us go.

Oh, sure.

I never pegged you
for a uniform freak.

Everybody, look.

Here it is. Here it is.

Police were called in

To disperse the demonstrators.

Police b*at has learned
that the man detained

Is anthony bouvier...

Where'd they get my mug sh*t?

A former convict
who's served time

For his participation
in a store robbery.

I can't watch anymore!

I really dig your big hair.

This is exactly what I
told you would happen.

They did not say
"anthony bouvier,

Businessman and law student."

They said "anthony
bouvier, ex-convict."

Little blue-haired
ladies all over atlanta

Are saying he got
what he deserved.

For all your sympathy
and indignation,

You just don't understand

What it's like to
be a black man.

Oh, I think I do.

I've seen roots twice,

And I really enjoy
the theme from shaft.

Thank you for that, bernice.

Say, anthony, we could
still rectify this situation.

Let me just call our attorney.

No, julia.

It is my fault.

I went down there like some
hot-to-trot joan baez. Please.

Julia, you've done enough.

Just one phone call.

No!

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I must have tried calling
you a dozen times last night.

I spent the night
at a friend's house.

I couldn't face those reporters.

You may want to now.

Listen to what's in
the newspaper today.

"Mr. Bouvier lives
with a white woman,

Allison sugarbaker."

"They lease their home

"From a woman whom
sources indicate

"Left the country under
mysterious circumstances.

"Neighbors have reported
several domestic disturbances

Since the two
took up residence."

It's bad enough they
bring up my record,

But it's too much when they
insinuate I'm allison's paramour.

That's just downright ugly.

Are you going to
defend your reputation,

Or do i,

At the risk of being
a loud-mouth liberal,

Have to go to the press myself?

When are you going to stop
fighting my battles for me?

It makes me feel

Like you don't trust me
to handle my own problems,

And that hurts.

The last thing on
earth I would ever do

Is hurt you.

You've got a big heart,

But you don't understand

What it's like to be me.

You don't know
what it feels like

When women clutch their purse

When they walk beside you

Or people lock their car

When you come by in a crosswalk.

I say, "how could
anybody be afraid

Of anybody as loveable as me?"

But the truth
is, that's painful.

I can't know what
it's like to be you,

But I know these people
you're talking about.

They're thinking of you
as a black ex-convict,

Not the man you really are.

You have got to let them know

Who the man inside is.

You just don't understand
what I'm up against.

Which man should I show them?

Anthony bouvier, who discusses
settees with atlanta's elite,

Or the homeboy in
the neighborhood

Hanging out with his partners?

"Yo! Whussup?"

How about...

"Officer, I have no
weapons on my person.

Please do not hurt me."

I have to be all
of these anthonys,

And still it doesn't
satisfy everyone.

I'll always just be the bogeyman
coming through the woods.

I'm sorry, anthony.

I got carried away
with the injustice

And forgot about you.

Can you forgive me?

Of course I can, julia.

I'm just glad you understand.

Now can we go down
to the tv station?

What do you mean
"we," pale face?

So, y'all like my
new hood jacket?

I got it at the thrift store.

I thought it went
with my new freedom.

I got you to thank
for that, mary jo.

I don't want to be
held responsible

For you embarking
upon a life of crime.

Look what I got
here. Nonfilters.

Carlene, do you
know what I got here?

What?

Your permanent
record. I'm reinstating it.

What time will anthony
be on this news program?

Any minute now.

I gave him a statement
of my own to make.

He's got to clear up this mess

Regarding our
living arrangements.

I overhead a woman in the
pastry shop this morning

Refer to our house
as a sugar shack.

Turn it up.

An awful lot has
been said about me

Without any real
knowledge of who I am.

It's true, I did serve time,

But my conviction
was later overturned.

I'm now a partner

In the sugarbaker design firm.

He wasn't supposed to
say the company name.

And I'm simultaneously
completing

My first year of law school.

So you see,

I simply don't have time
to case jewelry stores.

My grandmother who raised me

Always said I am blessed
with good health,

Good sense, and a good nature.

I'm also blessed
with good friends

Who love me enough to
make fools of themselves

With a spontaneous
demonstration on my behalf

At the green tree
mall yesterday.

The fact is,

Because I was poor and black,

I was convicted of a
crime I didn't commit.

And the truth is,

I'm still paying for it.

Testify, brother.

Now I would like to clarify

My domestic situation.

It's about time.

Allison...

Thank you for
sticking by me, pinky.

I'll love you forever, baby.