07x02 - Bird in the Hand

[bunniefuu]

Cliff, Come Here.

I Want You
To See Our Baby.

Denise Has Been Up
All Night

Finishing Up That
Political Science Paper.

That Child Is Exhausted.

Thank God.

The Huxtable Study Genes
Have Kicked In.

There's No Stopping Her Now.

She's Stopping For Something.

That Girl Is Hungry.

I'm Preparing Her Breakfast.

No, No, No.

If You Want Her
To Finish That Paper

Don't Give Her Any Breakfast.

Why Not?

Because, Dear, Let Me Explain
Physiology To You.

If She Eats Those Pancakes

They Go Dead To The Stomach...
Thud.

All Of A Sudden,
The Blood Cells Hear That Sound.

They Say, "What Was That?

I Know A Thud When I Hear One."

They Say, "That's A Party Thud.

"Come On, Everybody

There's A Party Going On
In The Stomach."

All The Blood Cells
Leave The Brain.

They Run To The Stomach.

They're In The Stomach
Jumping Around.

Then The Enzymes Are Popping
And Partying

And The Brain Says

"What's Going On?

If Everybody Is Partying,
I'm Going To Take A Nap."

She Will Fall Asleep

And That's The End
Of The Paper.

A Party In The Stomach?

Yes.

I'm A Doctor.

Trust Me.

(Knocking)

You're So Silly.

It's Jim Harmon.

Don't Let Him In.

He's The Enemy.

It's A Pleasure
To See Youthis Morning.

Please Don't Kiss My Wife.

Dr. Harmon,
What A Pleasant Surprise.

Would You Like
Some Breakfast, Sir?

Pancakes, Coffee,
Juice, Anything?

No, He Doesn't Want Anything.

Coming In Here
Kissing My Wife...

What Do You Want?

I Wanted To Look At The Loser
Before The Auction Today.

What Auction?

The Jazz Auction For
The United n*gro College Fund.

My Wife And I Just Signed
Four Tuition Checks.

We Happen To Be
The United n*gro College Fund.

Besides, My Jazz Collection
Is So Tight, Harmon

I Don't Need Another Thing.

Including Charlie Parker's
"Night In Tunisia"?

Original, One-Of-A-Kind Acetate.

Haven't You Heard About It,
Harmon?

Haven't You Heard
That It's Flawed?

It Has A Scratch In It So Deep
That A Dog Could Sleep In It.

Knowledgeable Jazz People
Know This.

Am I Right, Clair?

Uh...

Tell Him

That "Knowledgeable Jazz People"
Know There Is No Flaw

Because "Knowledgeable
Jazz People"

Examined The Goods
At The Preview On Tuesday.

"Knowledgeable Jazz People"

Examined The Goods
At The Preview On Tuesday.

I Know You're Just Dying
To Get Your Hands

On "Night In Tunisia."

Yes, And I'm Going
To Get It Too, Dr. Harmon.

Why Are You Two So Pitiful?

Can't You Share The Record?

Sorry.

That Record Will Be Mine

And Only Mine.

So Nice To See You
Again, Clair.

Oooh...

Come In Here Kissing My Wife

And My Wife Looking Like
She's Enjoying It.

He Never Will Get That Record

Because That Record
Belongs To Me.

It Has My Name On It.

What Makes You So Sure?

First Of All,
I b*at Him Out The Last Time.

I Won The Machito Album
Off Of Him

And Mainly Because I Sat There
And I Gave Him

The Huxtable
Don't-Mess-With-Me Look.

Suppose The Huxtable
Don't-Mess-With-Me Look

Doesn't Work?

Just In Case, I Also Add To It
The Huxtable Voice Of Doom.

That's Your Voice Of Doom?

Yes, And You Only Got
Six Percent

Because This House Is Not Zoned
For All Of It.

Hey, What's Up?

Hey.

What's That?

Poli Sci Paper.

I'm Impressed With The Way
You're Focusing On School.

Oh, Thanks,
But I Am So Stressed Out.

Look, There Are Some Things
I Learned

In My Asian
Studies Course

That Can Help You
Deal With Stress.

Thanks, But I Don't Have Time
For Asian Studies.

I Have To Concentrate.

Sorry, I Didn't Mean
To Interrupt.

Okay.

But In Burma

The People Have A Way
Of Dealing With Pressure.

They've Learned
To Flow With Life--

Not Force It.

Uh-Huh.

Burmese Rice Farmers,
For Example

Adjust Their Lives
To The Irrawaddy River

And Irrigate Their Fields
When The River Lets Them.

Your Paper Will Be Done
When It Lets You.

Flooowww...

Become The Irrawaddy.

Theo, This Is Not Burma.

This Is Brooklyn

And My Paper
Is Due At : .

I Was Trying
To Help You Flow.

Psst, Why Don't You Flow
On Into The Kitchen.

Hey, Mom.

Theo, Have Some Pancakes.

Uh, I Just Ate Breakfast,
But If You Insist, Sure.

(Laughing)

What?

I Don't Know How You Do It, Man.

You Live All The Way Down
In The Village

And Somehow,
You Can Sense Exactly

When Food Is Going
To Hit The Table.

Do You Have Radar
Like A Bat?

Hey, I'm Done!

All Right, Denise.

I Knew You Could Do It.

Have Some Pancakes.

All I Have To Do
Is My Table Of Contents

And Footnotes.

No. Do The Footnotes
And Table Of Contents

Then You Eat.

I'm Ready. Let's Rock And Roll.

I've Got To Take
Olivia To School.

I'll Take Olivia To School.

Shouldn't You Have Shoes On
When You Rock And Roll?

Oh, Yeah.

Dad, I'll Just Turn In
My Paper Late.

Nonsense.

I Didn't Mean For Dad
To Have To Do That.

Denise, You Better
Go Footnote.

I'll Help You
With These.

What Are You Going To Buy
At The Auction?

I Am Going To Buy
A Jazz Record

Called "Night In Tunisia"

Recorded By Some Very
Famous Musicians.

What's Jazz?

Do You Have A Favorite Song?

"Pop Goes The Weasel."

Okay, You Sing
"Pop Goes The Weasel."

♪ All Around The Mulberry Bush,
The Monkey Chased The Weasel ♪

♪ The Monkey Said,
"It's All In Fun" ♪

♪ Pop Goes The Weasel... ♪

Okay...

♪ A Quarter For
A Spool Of Thread... ♪

No, No...

♪ A Penny For A Needle ♪

♪ That's The Way
The Money Goes ♪

♪ Pop Goes The Weasel. ♪

Now What You Did Just Naturally
Was You Put Some Jazz In It.

When You Went...

That Was It.

So Let Me Show You.

(Scatting To
"Pop Goes The Weasel )

♪ Bon Da Bing Da Biddle Doo ♪

♪ Da Bop Da Bid Bid Et
Da Bing Boomp ♪

♪ Phomp ♪

♪ Da Bank Diddle Doomp
Pop, Pop, Boomp, The Weasel ♪

♪ Bon Da Bing
Da Biddle Doo ♪

♪ Bong, Weasel ♪

♪ Zu Bomp Bomp Diddle Zonk ♪

♪ Ba Ba Di Di Da Bo Bo ♪

♪ Pop, Pop... ♪

♪ Weasel... ♪

♪ ... Weasel ♪

♪ Pop Shu Bop Bop
Boo Bop Bop... ♪

Hello, I'm Mrs. Lebow.

How Are You?

I'm Dr. Huxtable,
Denise Kendall's Father.

I'm So Happy To Meet You.

You Must Be So Proud.

Denise Is One Of Our Most
Responsible, Dedicated Parents.

Good Student Too.

She Was Up All Night
Working On A Paper.

That's Why I Brought Olivia.

Oh, Dear,
Denise Must Have Forgotten.

It's Her Turn To Be
Help-Mom For The Day.

One Of You
Has To Be Here.

Volunteers Make It Possible

For Us To Work
With A Small Staff.

They're A Vital Part
Of Parent-Child Bonding.

Can't Somebody From The Carpool
Do The Bonding?

I'm Sorry.

It's Denise's Turn.

If She Can't Come,
You Have To Take Her Place.

I Have To Go
To An Auction Today

Of A Very Famous Jazz Record
Called "Night In Tunisia"

Performed By A Very
Important Musician

By The Name Of Charlie Parker.

"Night In Tunisia"?

Bird At His Best.

Dizzy Gillespie On Trumpet,
Max Roach On Drums.

So You Know?

I Was President Of The Jazz Club
At Bryn Mawr.

Of Course,
There Were Only Six Of Us.

The Hip Six.

This Is A One-Of-A-Kind Acetate.

Oh, My.

So You Do Understand?

I Do.

Good.

And I Wish
I Could Help You.

(Phone Ringing)

Don't Move.

Hello.

Oh, Yes. Just A Moment.

It's Your Daughter, Denise.

Yeah.

Dad, I Am Sorry.

I Forgot I'm Help-Mom Today.

I Can Be There Right Away.

Did You Finish Your Paper?

No, But I Can't Leave You
With My Responsibilities.

I Want You To Finish The Paper.

I'll Be Okay.

Are You Sure?

I'm Sure.

Thanks, Dad, I Owe You One.

Please,
Don't Start Counting Now.

Is Denise Coming Down?

No, But Here's
What I Was Thinking.

These Children
Are Indoors All The Time.

Look At The Coloring On Them.

They Need To Get Out.

We'll Take A Field Trip,
And We Will Go To An Auction...

I Can See Where Denise
Gets Her Sense Of Humor.

Okay, Jonathan, Would You Like
A cr*cker Or A Cookie?

I Want A Cupcake.

Jonathan, You Can Either Have
A cr*cker Or A Cookie.

We Don't Have Cupcakes.

Cupcake!

Work With Me, Jonathan.

I Have Either A Cookie
Or A cr*cker...

(Watch Alarm Beeps)

Oh, Why Don't You All Finish
Coloring Everything There

Or Call Your Broker.

(Loud Laughter)

He's Calling His Broker.

(Phone Ringing)

Hello, Jazz Auction.

What Time Will You Be Auctioning
"Night In Tunisia"?

That Should Be On The Block
A Half Hour From Now.

I Have A Slight Problem.

Is There A Way
You Could Back That Up?

I Couldn't Do That,
But We Accept Phone Bids.

I'll Call You
When The Bidding Starts.

Okay, I'm At - .

And The Name Again?

And The Name Is
Huxtable, Doctor.

I Will Give You
My Credit Card Number.

Very Good, Sir.

Thank You!

Put Another Eye
On That Gorilla, Son.

It's A Dog.

Oh, I'm Sorry.

Okay, How...

(Phone Rings)

Oh, All Right, Uh...

Everybody Just, Uh,
Call Your Broker, I'll Be...

(Loud Laughter)

Hello?

Doctor Huxtable, Please.

This Is Doctor Huxtable.

Doctor Huxtable,
This Is The Auction House.

Your Lot Is Coming Up Next.

Okay, Just One Second, Please.

Everybody Take A Nap.

Okay, Go Ahead.

Lot #

The Charlie Parker Recording
Of "Night In Tunisia."

We'll Start At $ .

One Hundred!

Down In Front.

One Twenty-Five.

We're At , Sir.

Is There A Fella There,
Corduroy Jacket, Beard

Looks Like A Bird-Watcher?

There Sure Is.

One Fifty!

He Just Bid .

He Is The Enemy.

Do You Understand Me?

I Want You To Give Him
The "Huxtable Stare."

Huh?

I Want You To Fix Your Face
In A Way...

I Want Your Eyes To Be Narrow.

I Want Your Lips
Close To Your Teeth.

I Want You To Have A Look
Like You Would Eat Him Alive!

Do You Understand That?

Yeah.

Two Hundred.

It's To You, Sir.

All Right, I Want You
To Stare At Him.

Stare Him Down And Say...
And Say !

Two Twenty-Five!

On The Phone.

Who Will Give Me More?

Two Fifty.

Two Seventy-Five!

The Enemy Just Bid , Sir.

I Want You To Say

Three Hundred!

Three Hundred!

From The Phone.
Do I Hear ?

Let's Go,
People, .

Three Twenty-Five.

Once, Twice...

It Worked!

Of Course It Worked.

Going, Going...

We'll Get It.

Is The Last Bid

On "Night In Tunisia."

Do I Hear Another Bid?

Three Twenty-Five.

We Have !

Uh-Oh.

Uh-Oh What?

A New Bidder Went In With .

I Have .
Who Will Give Me ?

It's To Us, Sir.

Do You Believe We Can Do It?

I Believe, I Believe.

All Right, Now Get
Your Face Fixed Back Up.

Okay, Now...

Say !

Four Hundred!

I Have On The Phone,
On The Phone.

Four Fifty!

Five Hundred!

Five Hundred?

? Who Said ?

We Did!

When Did We Say That?

Just Now!

Five Fifty.

Six Hundred!

No, No, No, Stop!

Hey, Boy!

Six Fifty.

Seven Hundred.

That's Not Me.

I'm Gone.

Good-Bye!

I Missed You.

Go Change Your Clothes.

Hey, Dad

I Hope The Kids
Weren't Too Much Trouble.

No, I Just Lost
The Charlie Parker Album.

Bird Flew The Coop.

I'm Sorry.

This Isn't Your Record

But I Hope This
Makes You Feel Better.

Look At The First Page.

"Dedicated To The Most
Supportive Father In The World."

Well, Thank You, Pud.

I, Uh, I Hope
You Score Well With It.

Thank You, Dad.

I'm Proud Of That.

Hey! I Got To Go
Check On Olivia.

Oh, Cliff.

Poor Honey.

You Must Be Very Tired.

I Understand That You Spent
The Entire Day

With A Group
Of Pre-Schoolers.

All I Had To Eat

Was A Half Of A Peanut Butter
And Banana Sandwich

That Anthony Was Going
To Feed To The Gerbil.

And You Didn't Get To Go
To The Auction.

No, No, I Got
To Bid On The Record.

What Are You
Talking About?

They Let Me Bid On The Phone.

I Was On The Phone.

You Were On The Phone?

Yes, I Was On The Phone.

And Guess What, Dear?

I Had It!

Harmon Was Out Of There
And Gone.

I Don't Know Where
This Fool Came From

But He Came In
And Started Bidding

Like Somebody Who Was Possessed,
I'm Telling You.

Youwere On The Phone.

I Was On The Phone
Like High Noon

And I Blinked.

I Knew I Wouldn't
Get That Record.

The Last Thing I Know,
That Price Was Going Up.

That Dude Paid
A Bundle For That.

That's All Right, Boy.

Yes, It Was One-Of-A-Kind.

I Don't Care If It Was
One-Of-A-Kind!

That Person Has To Keep
That Record For About Years

Before They Can Get
Their Money Back On That One.

Some Idiot
Bidding All That Money!

So, Uh, Sweetheart,
Why Don't You Just Relax

And I'll, Um, Put On Some Music.

No, Dear, I Don't Want
To Hear Any More Music.

I Tell You, Music Does Nothing
Except Break Your Heart.

It Just Goes To The Person

Who's Bidding Higher
Than Anybody Else.

("Night In Tunisia"Plays)

Where Did You Get That?!

You Ever Danced With A Fool?

You!

Oh, Dear!

Oh, No!

How Much Did You
Wind Up Paying For It?

Four Hundred-Fifty Dollars.

No, You Didn't!

That Was The Last Bid
I Had To b*at.

Because The Man Was Up To

When I Hung Up The Phone.

Thatpoor Thing!

He Kept Bidding
Long After I Stopped.

He Got Up To , .

What Did You Pay?

I Paid ,
Because They Found Out

That The Last Authorized Bid
He Had Was For .

You Should Have
Seen His Face.

Lips All Curled Up,
Eyes Squinting And Rolling...

"Fifteen Hundred!"

Oh, He Was Awful!

Yes!

Oh!

Look Out Now!