07x09 - The Infantry Has Landed (and They've Fallen Off the Roof)

[bunniefuu]

Yo, People.

Yo, Person.

What's Up?

Today, In My Theories
Of Personality Class

We Took A Self-Awareness Test.

From A Few Responses, You Can
Tell A Lot About Yourself.

Theo, I Love Psychology.

Ask Me Some Questions.

Okay, Vanessa

What Animal Do You
Most Identify With?

I've Always Seen Myself
As A Dolphin.

A Dolphin?

You?

Yes. Dolphins
Are Very Intelligent

And They Have A Cute Smile.

But You Hate What Salt Water
Does To Your Hair.

We Dolphins Adapt.

I'll Get A Perm.

Theo:
Ah, Now, This Is
The Man To Analyze.

Analyze What?

This Is A Test We Took

In Our Theories
Of Personality Class.

Uh-Huh, Psychology.

I Want To Ask A Question.

I'm Not Crazy.

No, No.

What Animal Do You
Most Identify With?

Camel

Because He Prepares
For The Long Haul.

That's Interesting.

Camel.

I Like That.

And The Rhino

Because He Has
A Tough Outer Surface.

No, Dad, Just One Animal.

When You're My Age
And You're A Parent

You Need A Lot Of Things

To Identify With.

Next, I'm A Salmon.

Because Of My Children,
I Have To Swim Upstream.

I'm Part Hawk

Because I've Got...

I Can't Use That.

...Sharp Vision.

Come On Upstairs.

I'll Give You That Jacket
You've Been Wanting.

I'll Follow You
Until I Get An Answer.

You May Not Know

But I Identify
With A Homing Pigeon.

Come On Upstairs.

I'll Give You
Some Peanuts.

Oh Mom, Great!

Are You Ready To Go
To The Mall Now?

Sweetheart, I'm Very Sorry,
I Have To Stay Here.

We Can't Go.

Rudy's Coming Home
From School.

She Got Her Period Today.

Our Sister Has Joined
The Ranks Of Womanhood.

Mom, I Know The Coat I Want.

It Will Take
Half An Hour.

Mom's Got To Talk To Rudy.

Remember Woman's Day?

Got To Make Sure
Rudy's Well-Informed

So She Doesn't Get
The Wrong Ideas Like Mom Did.

We Didn't Have A Clue.

I Will Not Have My Children
Running Around

Thinking They Cannot Go
To The Beach

Because They Will
Attract Sharks.

...Who Will Follow Them
Up On The Sand.

You Actually Believed That?

Yes, And When
You Girls Were Born

I Decided To Have
These Talks.

Thus, Woman's Day Was Born.

Mom, I Adored My Woman's Day.

She Took Me To The Plaza Hotel
For Brunch

And A Carriage Ride
Through The Park.

I Do Rise To The Occasion.

Don't I?

Rudy.

Hi, Mom.

The School Nurse Called.

I Got My Period.

Sweetheart,
Are You All Right?

Oh, Yeah, Fantastic.

How About This Weather, Huh?

You Want Me
To Come Upstairs Too?

No, I'll Be Down
In A Few.

All Right.

(Knocking)

Who Is It?

It's Us.

Come In.

We Got Here As Fast
As We Could.

Does Everyone Know?

No. We Said You
Had An Emergency.

We Said Your House
Is On Fire.

What?

Then We Said
It Was A False Alarm.

So What's It Like?

Well

It's Like Getting A Stomachache
But Without Eating Candy.

You're The First One
In Our Group To Get It.

You Even Look
A Little More Mature.

I Did Feel
A Little Older

Walking Home
From School Today.

Rudy, I See Hips.

Don't Worry.

You'll Get Yours... Soon.

You Have To Be Careful.

My Sister's Friend Knew Somebody
Who Was So Weak

She Had To Be Carried Around
On A Stretcher For Three Months.

I Heard About This Girl

Who Went To The Circus
When She Got It

And When She Sat Down

All The Animals
Stopped Performing.

The Announcer Came Out And Said

"Will The Girl
In Seat -A Please Leave.

You're Upsetting The Animals."

It Was So Embarrassing For Her.

Danielle,
That Is Ridiculous.

I Definitely Know
You Can't Swim In The Ocean

Or You'll Attract Sharks.

That Is Ridiculous Too.

But If You Get Too Weak,
You May Need A Transfusion.

Transfusion?

Everyone Knows You Don't Need
A Transfusion

As Long As You Eat
Five Beets A Day.

Both:
Five Beets A Day?!

Five Beets A Day,
And You'll Be Fine.

Those Girls Have Been
Up There For Minutes

And I Know

They Are Filling Rudy's Head
With All Kinds Of Nonsense.

I'll Have To Deprogram
The Child.

Suppose They're Up There
Doing Homework.

Cliff, Please.

Things Haven't Changed.

My Girlfriends Came To See Me
When I Got My Period.

One Of Them Said I Could
Stop It Anytime I Wanted To

By Crossing My Eyes.

You Didn't Believe That,
Did You?

Let's Just Say
I Nearly Ended Up

With A Very Serious
Vision Problem.

Cross Your Eyes

While I Reach
For These Cookies.

Those Are For Rudy.

What If I Told You That This
Time Of The Month, I'm Very Sad.

I Would Give You
More Than A Cookie.

What Time..?

Oh, Well, Ladies,
Did You Enjoy Your Visit?

Mm-Hmm.
Mm-Hmm.

You Can Go On Up,
Mrs. Huxtable.

Well, We'll Leave You
Alone With Rudy Now.

Thank You.

Bye.

Clair:
Bye, Girls.

Cliff:
Good-Bye, Ladies.

Oh, Good Evening,
Dr. Huxtable.

(Laughing)

(Knocking)

Rudy.

It's Woman's Day.

I Know.

Um, Have You Seen
My Purple Shirt?

It's Downstairs In The Dryer.

Wait A Minute, Rudy.

Wait A Minute.

Honey, It's Woman's Day.

Well, Don't You Want
To Talk About It?

No.

What Would You Like
To Do For Woman's Day?

The City Is Yours.

We Can't Do It
This Weekend.

I Promised Danielle And Susan

That We Could Go
To The Mall Tomorrow

And Then On Sunday
I Promised Kenny

We Could Play
Video Games.

Maybe We Could
Do This Next Month

Or Whenever
This Thing Comes Back.

Okay, Rudy, Whatever You Say.

Well, I'm Going
To Get My Shirt.

I'm Almost Done With This
Psychological Profile On You.

(Chuckling)

Still Trying
To Analyze Me, Huh?

If You Were A Body Of Water,
What Would You Be?

Wet.

You're Not Going
To Cooperate, Huh?

You're Not Going To Use Me
As A Guinea Pig.

You Have To Pay Me.

A Guinea Pig Is Not One
Of The Animals I Would Be.

(Doorbell Ringing)

Hey, Roomie.

Here's The Psych Book
You Asked For.

You're Early.

I Was Supposed To Be
At My Girl Friend's For Dinner.

That Fell Through,
If You Know What I Mean.

No, What Do You Mean?

You Know Women.

I Was An Hour Late.

She Gets Bent Out Of Shape.

I Had A Good Reason.

What?

I'm Always Late.

She'll Get Over It,
If You Know What I Mean.

No, What Do You Mean?

Women.

You Know How They Are

During That Time Of The Month.

No, Danny, How Are They?

Hi, Mrs. Huxtable.

Listen, Mom...

He Just Came
To Give Me A Book.

I'm Interested
In Danny's Comments.

Can I Be Frank?

By All Means.

No Offense, Mrs. Huxtable

But You Know How Women Get.

They Get A Little Grumpy.

They Do That Crying Thing.

Danny, Let It Go.

Why Do You Assume That
If Your Girl Friend Is Upset

It's That Time Of Month?

What Else Could It Be?

I've Got Nothing Against
A Woman's Monthly.

I'm A Sensitive Guy.

I Can See That.

Some People Say That
Between Pre-Menstrual Syndrome

Post-Menstrual Syndrome, And
Their Visit From "Aunt Flo..."

Excuse Me?

No, That's Their Expression,
Not Mine.

...That Women Have Got
The Calendar Covered.

And What Else
Do These People Say?

We Men
Should Have Our Own Syndrome.

They Even Say

We Should Have
Our Own Mood Swings

That Coincide

With Monday Night Football.

Since You Talk
To These People

Could You Deliver
A Message For Me?

Okay.

You Tell Them
That A Woman Is Entitled

To Have A Happy Mood

A Sad Mood, An Angry Mood.

She Can Have This Mood
Whenever She Likes

And It Has Absolutely Nothing
To Do With Whether Or Not

"Aunt Flo" Is Visiting.

But Mrs. Huxtable,
I Think What They Meant Was...

I Heard What They Meant.

And One More Thing?

These People
Should Be Very Happy

That Women Get Visits
From Their Aunts

Because If They Didn't,
There Would Be No Uncles.

It's Been Very Nice
Seeing You Again, Danny.

Theo, I'll Be Leaving Now.

In Case She Comes Back.

Yeah, Well...

Denise:
Olivia, It's Bedtime.

I Just Want
To Say Good Night

To Dr. Huxtable.

All Right,
Then Straight To Bed.

All Right,
Good Night, Honey.

Wait.

I Have Something To Tell You.

What?

I Like What You Did
To This Room.

Thank You.

There Is Something Else.

What, Dear?

A Bedtime Story.

What Is It, Sister Grimm?

Once There Was A King
Named Dr. Buxtable.

Dr. Buxtable, Right.

He Was Very Handsome.

I Love This Story.

And There Was Also A Princess
Named...

Bolivia.

Bolivia, All Right.

She Was Very Sweet.

They Loved Each Other

And Said Good Night

And Went To Sleep.

Can I Have A Cup Of Water,
Please?

Okay, I Will Give You
A Little Bit Of Water.

You Drink The Water Right Down
And Then You Go Up To Bed.

Tell Me More Of The Story.

One Day King Dr. Buxtable
And Princess Bolivia

Went For A Ride In A Car.

She Drove.

Okay.

Okay, Okay,
Let's Drink The Water

And Finish The Story.

Ahh.

And It Got Dark

And They Fell Asleep.

No, They Never Slept
Because Where They Went

Was Daytime All The Time.

Well, If It Was Daytime
All The Time

Then There Would Be
No Stars In The Sky.

Fine.

And If There Was No Nighttime

Then You Would Have No Christmas

And No Santa Claus
And No Presents.

Whoa.

Wait! Wait!
I'm Not Finished.

One Day, Night Came
And They All Went To Bed.

Santa Claus Gave Them
Lots Of Presents.

The End.

Good Night.

Not Again.

Dad, I Got To Admit
You Kind Of Had Me Stumped...

Good.

...With Your Responses

To Questions From
My Psychological Profile.

But I Persevered.

I Dug Deep.

Really?

I Continued,
And I've Got You Figured Out.

All Right.

Because Of Your Vague Responses

I Had To Come Up With
An Original Classification

Just For You.

Okay, Well, Let's Have It.

You Have A Disorder.

All Right.

Okay.

It Is A Disorder
I Appropriately Call

Fugitive Fantasy Fear.

Fugitive Fantasy Fear.

It Means That You Are A Person
Who Refuses To Be Categorized

By Deflecting Direct Questions

Therefore Wearing Down
Those Seeking Knowledge Of You

Until They're Either
Uninterested

Or They
Surrender In Frustration.

And This Is Called What?

Fugitive Fantasy Fear.

And It Means What?

It Means That You Refuse
To Be Categorized

By Deflecting Direct Questions.

Well, I Don't Think That's True
At All.

What's It Called Again?

It's Called
Fugitive Fantasy Fear, Dad.

Now, Tell Me.

It Means That I...

Dad,
What It Basically Means

Is That You Wear Down
Those Seeking Knowledge Of You.

Do You Understand That Point?

I Haven't Deflected Anything.

I've Just Asked You A Question.

Which Is A Form Of Deflecting.

I Understand.

I Mean, I'm Not A Stupid Person.

It's Just That...

What's It Called Again?

Dad, Don't You See?

You Wear People Down.

I'm Seeking Knowledge Of You

And You're
Wearing Me Down.

Okay, Okay,
Ask Me The Questions Again.

Forget It, Dad.

I'm Going Home.

I Apologize.

I'm Going Home.

I Will See
You Later.

Tell Me Again.

Don't Leave Me Like This.

I'll Tell You.

Check It Out.

I'm Uninterested.

I'm Surrendering
To Frustration, Dad.

I'll See You, Okay?

And The Fugitive Strikes Again.

Potato Chips?
Check.

Root Beer Float?
Check.

Tissues?
Check.

I'd Say We Have Enough

To Last Through Miss Scarlett,
Rhett Butler And That Fire.

And Frankly, My Dear

We Are Ready To Go.

I'm So Glad You Wanted
To Do This, Rudy.

I've Been Looking Forward
To This For Quite Some Time.

The Last Huxtable Woman.

Here We Go Again.

Now What Does That Mean?

Nothing.

Rudy, It Must Mean
Something.

It Just Means That Whatever I Do
Is Important Because I'm Last.

I Was The Last One
To Take My First Step

The Last One To Have
Training Wheels On My Bike

The Last One
To Lose All My Baby Teeth.

Now This.

I'm Sorry, Rudy.

We Probably Do Tend
To Get Sentimental With You

Because You're The Youngest.

Is That Why
You Didn't Want

To Celebrate Woman's Day?

I Didn't Want To Do Anything

Because Today Was The Most
Humiliating Day Of My Life.

There I Was, Sitting In Class

While The Teacher Was Talking
About Punctuation

And I Was Starting My Period.

Do You Know
How Embarrassing That Was?

I Think I Do.

So Does Every Other Woman.

Honey, That's Why They Call It
"The Curse."

"The Curse"?

The Curse, Dear.

It's Called "The Curse,"
"The Visitor," "The Flag Is Up"

"The Infantry Has Landed."

"The Infantry Has Landed"?

And Fallen Off The Roof.

In My Day,
It Was Referred To As...

"The Horror."

Women Were Expected To Be

Dainty And Discreet.

So What Did They Do?

They Gave Us Pads
The Size Of Mattresses.

And During That Very Special
Time Of The Month

When You Wanted
To Go Out At Night

You Couldn't Carry
A Little Clutch Bag.

You Had To Carry
An Overnight Bag.

Those Were The Bad Old Days,
Huh, Ma?

Yes, But We've Come A Long Way
Since Then.

It's Very Natural.

It's Gone On

Since The Beginning Of Time.

It Makes You A Woman.

But Mom, I'm Not A Woman.

I'm Years Old.

Rudy, In Biological Terms,
You Are A Woman.

And If You Want

To Be A Mother Someday,
This Has To Happen.

You're Saying Someday
I'll Be Glad This Happened?

There Will Be Days
You'll Be Glad This Happened.

See, Someday You'll Be Able
To Have Children Of Your Own--

Beautiful Children

Like I Have.

Mom.

Thanks.

Now Can We Start This Movie?

But Wait.

I Should Eat
My Beets First.

Your Beets?

Yeah, You Know.

Five Beets A Day
Keeps The Transfusion Away.