07x04 - On the Road Again

[bunniefuu]

I've got a psychology
midterm on monday,

And I cannot remember
a single thing.

There's a word for
that, but I forgot it.

You're just nervous.

No. I'm losing my brain.

I talked to my
neighbor for 15 minutes.

I could not remember her name.

I remembered her
dog's name, though.

When that happens,

I use my "darling, sweetheart,
puddin' pie" routine.

Throw enough sugar
at the person in question,

They have no idea you
don't know them from adam.

Take it from me,

Memory's not what
it's cracked up to be.

On the other hand,

Does anyone know
why I'm here today?

You told me, but I forgot.

I sympathize completely.

My midterms start next monday.

I keep thinking, "what do you
know about property law?

You're an ex-con decorator."

Take it from me, darling,
an old court reporter.

The law is logic
pure and simple.

Carlene, psychology comes
down to one basic principle...

Sex either makes you
crazy, or it doesn't.

I don't think you're
seeing the whole picture.

Take a minute.

Think of the people who have
sex with extraterrestrials.

I'm back.

Any messages?

Hi. Uh, no. Uh-uh.

Fax, fed ex, flowers?

Not that I can remember,

But don't count on that.

That's it. It's high time we
have a new answering machine.

And the walls of jericho
came tumbling down.

What do you mean?

You said they were
crass and dehumanizing.

If you wanted to
talk to a machine,

You'd whisper sweet
nothings to your dirt devil.

Did I say that?

Many times.

Obviously it must
have been a joke.

And very insensitive.

I know many fine people

Who converse with
small appliances.

Looking for flowers,
anxious about messages...

Anything to do with
that conductor you met

At the symphony benefit?

Phillip?

We hardly know each other.

We've only had dinner once.

[Telephone rings]

Sugarbaker's.

Oh, sorry. Wrong number.

You know, you can get a
phone that has a special ring

That lets you know when
someone special's calling.

You having a good time, b.j.?

When you can buy
anything in the world,

It's the stuff you get
for free that counts.

I live to entertain you.

Phillip said he'd call
before the week was out,

And today is... Friday.

Julia,

Do you have a crush?

Let's say I'm
intrigued, carlene.

Nobody tells me anything.

Is he rich? Is he straight?

Yes, he's straight, bernice.

Is there some reason
you're here this morning?

Yes, but it slipped my mind.

I thought I'd sit here until
I remember... Puddin' pie.

Let's get back to this phillip.

I want details.

Is he a firm or mushy kisser?

I used to kiss this
trombone player

That was all over the
place when he kissed.

I learned that a man
who spends his time

Puckered up to
something with a spit valve

Is not the man you
want to be kissing on.

I always love a good
spit valve story.

But regarding phillip,
the only thing I know

Is that he's not in town
more than two days a week.

One thing's for sure.

He has this crooked
smile like cary grant.

Travels a lot.

Movie-star smile.

It sounds like a
cia operative to me.

I know. I dated one once.

Come on. You never
dated a cia operative.

Can't stand it, can you?

Jealous.

Well,

Just a few weeks ago,

I thought I was developing a
relationship with dr. Hacker,

Only to discover that he
preferred silicone to substance.

I'd like to think that
my fascination with him

Had more to do with the
medication that I was on. However...

I'm embarrassed that I'm
already giddy over another man.

This lovesick teenager
routine certainly becomes you.

Thanks, b.j.

Why don't you just take
to calling me gidget?

Good morning.

Good morning, mary jo.

Gidget, this is set up now.

What's happening here?

Julia bought this
answering machine

In case moondoggy calls.

You want to put the message on?

Yes, I do.

Ready?

Wait. Hold it now.

O.k.

Hello, this is
sugarbaker's design team.

When you hear the beep,

I'm sure you'll know
just what to do.

Whoo!

Julia, you're bad.

That wasn't too much, was it?

Not for a massage parlor.

Here. I'll do it.

Sugarbaker's. Leave a message.

Well, that was warm and cuddly.

That's as warm as
I'm getting today.

Hey, is something wrong?

Only that my boy's left me

To live with his father.

Mary jo...

You said quint was going
to ted's for a month.

He's never been
for a month before,

Just a week here or there.

You said quint was
getting to the age

Where he needed to spend
more time with his father.

And I could kick myself
for ever saying it.

It hit me when I left his
suitcases at ted's this morning.

What if he never comes back?

Why would he?
Ted's the good guy.

He lets him stay
up watching movies,

Then he takes him
off on an adventure.

I'm the cop... "Go
to bed. No tv."

I'm like a broken record.

Children crave
structure in their lives.

That's what the books say.

Any child will tell you what
they crave is chocolate chips

And chaos every day of the week.

Do you know that
quint actually told me

That I lack verve
and spontaneity.

Are you sure he said that?

No, but that's what he meant.

This is the button
ted loved to push,

Just because once I refused to
make love under the christmas tree.

My sequined angel that I made
at the brownies was up there

Staring down at us,
and I just couldn't.

For the next 10 years I hear,
"mary jo, you lack spontaneity."

I want to be peter pan. Let
ted be captain hook for a while.

The problem is, I need
to be spontaneous.

How do I do that?

I will take all suggestions.

Hmm.

I know. I know.

Wait. Let me get
a paper and pen.

I need to make a list.

Dwayne dobber and his friends

Used to go out at
night and tip cows.

That's mean.
That's not my style.

You could take my midterm exam.

Come on, anthony, I'm serious.

How about this?

Credit card fraud.

It's simple, to the point,

And more than a
little dangerous.

I hate to put a damper on your
remedial spontaneity training

By pointing this out,

But making a list sort
of defeats the purpose.

Take it from me. I'm a
spontaneous person.

Having a truckload of money
helps me out in that regard.

But the key is...

Breaking your routine.

Get in the car,
don't look at the map,

And blow this pop stand tonight.

No, no. I can't do that.

I have hand wash to do.

I also have a
coupon for $2.00 off

A personal-size pizza from
luigi's. It's about to expire.

Boy, this is worse
than I thought.

I wish I could back out of
that board dinner tonight

So I could teach you
how to be footloose.

I got it. Dress
up like a gorilla.

Go to a fancy restaurant
and order bananas flambe.

Been there. Done that.

B.j. Makes a good point.

They always say a change
of scenery is good for you.

I don't want to go by myself.

I'll go.

It'll be fun.

Jump in the car like
thelma... Or louise.

Pick up a hitchhiker and
have your way with him.

I'll go.

[Telephone rings]

Sugarbaker's.

Oh!

Well, hi. How are you?

Oh, it's phillip.

Phillip.

This is a surprise.

It had completely
slipped my mind

You were going to call today.

You women are still
such an education for me.

You're stuck in nashville...

All weekend?

Oh! Well, thank you, but i...

No, phillip, I couldn't come
up on such short notice.

Well, that is awful sweet.

You know what?

My friend mary jo shively

Happens to be going

To nashville this weekend.

I could just probably
hitch a ride with her.

Yeah. She's leaving tonight.

I'm not ready to be
that spontaneous.

It'll be good for you.

I'll go. I'll even
carry the g*n.

[Bernice] look up there.
There's a stuckey's.

I sure could use a pecan log.

I'd like to make some headway
before stopping for food.

I said I was hungry.

I want a moon
pie, I want an a&w,

And I want a lean,
swarthy hitchhiker.

Well, look in my bag.

I don't know if I
packed a hitchhiker,

But there's some fig
bars, fruit roll-ups,

And cheese and
cr*cker snack packs.

If you get sticky, there's
some moist towelettes.

I'm supposed to be on this
spontaneous adventure,

And I've packed enough
for westward expansion.

Next time, I'll
remember to make do

With warm beer and slim-jims
from the filling station.

Slim-jims, slim-jims.

Bernice, just relax for a while.

And do what?

Do what quint does.
Count buicks, read signs.

Well, whoop-de-doo.

Well, quint loves it.

There's nothing he loves
better than a car trip.

When he comes back,

We'll just get in the car

And maybe go down to
ollie's snake farm in valdosta.

Walk the amazing
fat man's squeeze.

See rock city.

Oh, can we go?

Can we go?

Then again, maybe I've romanticized
traveling with children.

Oh, look. Howard
johnson's, next exit.

Oh, there's howard johnson's.

I didn't notice.

You also didn't
notice that I'm hungry.

Your fruit roll-ups
aren't worth diddly.

Can't we get to the
tennessee line before we stop?

I hate to say, but I'd
like to stop soon also.

I want to call phillip and
tell him what time to expect us.

23 Flavors.
All-you-can-eat clam night,

And you'd pass it
up for tennessee.

I'm sorry, but that is not
spontaneous in my book.

Now see, carlene, this is good.

If we were studying at
home we'd be distracted.

Here if the phone rings,
the machine will answer it.

We'll get a lot
of studying done.

We'll pass our exams, we'll
graduate, we'll have lives.

O.k., Let's do it.

Let's do it. O.k.

Do you hear that?

What?

I-it's like a high-pitched
buzzing sound.

No.

Listen harder.

Oh.

Is it like...

[Imitates sound]

It sounds like a mosquito

That just buzzes
and buzzes and buzzes

Until it gets you.

It's like chinese water t*rture.

It's all I can hear.

Why did you bring it up?

Hey, study hogs.

Break time. It's jalapeño
night at el rancho ritas.

Let's go down and make
our eyeballs sweat.

Yes. I'm there.

No way. We haven't
cracked a book yet.

What happened to that
board of directors thing?

I got bored with
the board real quick.

They don't get it.

When you got a
highball in your hand,

You're supposed to put a
lamp shade on your head,

Not yap at me
about stock options.

This all work and
no play business

Is what I call the
japanization of america.

It may build you
a better toyota,

But what good will it do you

If you never go
joy-riding in it?

There's the topic.
Let's chomp on it.

We'd love to,

But we're getting nowhere
fast with our studying,

Especially with that
horrible buzzing sound

That keeps going
through my head.

I don't hear anything.

Well, it's not there right now,

But it's bad.

Believe me, it's real bad.

You'd be surprised
how much you know

If you'd just relax
and let it come.

I just ordered a whole
slew of relaxation equipment

From one of those
high-tech, new-age,

Touchy-feely
vegetarian catalogues...

Just for the heck of it.

They have the worst models.

What do they do,
hire their shy sisters?

Anyway, let me get
stedman to bring it on over.

I'm from the seven dwarves
school of work management.

If you don't whistle
while you work,

Your work's not worth a whistle.

What's your pleasure, ladies?

Give me adam and eve
on a raft and wreck 'em.

What's that?

Is your salad made
mostly with iceberg?

We use lettuce.

O.k. Just bring me a
fried fish sandwich.

What kind of fish is that?

It's filet.

Oh. Well, that's my favorite.

Don't get prissy.

I told you to stop at hojo's.

Well, I hope you two
are enjoying yourselves.

For me, the trip is over.

Phillip has checked out.

He d*ed?

No, bernice.

He checked out of the hotel.

He got some kind

Of emergency conducting
assignment in columbus.

Oh, listen, sister,
that's cia talk for,

"I'm going to beirut with
a case of electrical tape."

Bernice, he left a
very sweet message.

Well, just relax.
Have a sandwich.

No. I've just lost some dignity

Chasing around
at the beck and call

Of a man I hardly know.

I don't need the consolation
of ptomaine poisoning.

I feel like going home.

Well, excuse me, julia,

But this trip was
not just about phillip.

This trip was about me
trying to be spontaneous.

Now, I have planned
to be spontaneous,

And I mean to follow
through with it.

All right. What
would you like to do?

First I thought we'd eat.

Good.

Eating here would
qualify as an adventure.

What then?

Nashville.

I'd grab me a jug

And audition for
the grand ole opry.

Excuse me. Are you two
going to keep fighting?

We're not fighting.

Now, mary jo,

Let's talk about
what's really going on.

I know it's silly,
but you egged me on,

And in some convoluted way,

This adventure is
about showing quint

His mom can still go
off on an adventure.

A hen party on wheels
isn't exactly bungee jumping,

But before he's grown up,

I would like to be
the cool parent.

You are the cool parent,

And quint knows that.

He just may not
admit it till he's 22.

Bernice, what are
you blinking at?

I'm winking at that hunky man.

He's been staring at us.

Well, stop it.

What should I do?

I don't know. Color
your place mat.

Think he'll come home?

Absolutely.

What if he doesn't?

We'll put him in a gunnysack
and drag him home.

Stop that waving!

He's cute.

Let's just lift up our
skirts and say howdy.

I saw him step down from
that great big red 18-wheeler

In the parking lot.

Let's take him to that
motel 6 and ravage him.

Keep your voice down.

It's too late.

He just toasted us
with his ketchup bottle.

He's romantic.

I'll just saunter over there,

And you see if he's a leg man.

Bernice, if it's all
right with mary jo,

Let's just go on home.

That's fine with me.

What are you, a couple of nuns?

I thought this was supposed
to be thelma and louise.

I didn't say we had to
have sex with the man,

But at least we could
entice him into a field

And blow up his truck.

All I said was,

"Let me check out
your peterbilt."

That's not dirty. It's a truck.

I just never thought
it was a good idea

To titillate teamsters.

I wasn't titillating.

I intended to follow through.

Let's sing row, row your boat.

You can't buy me
with a hootenanny.

We're outlaws. We could
rock someone's world.

Bernice, we are not
trying to make a movie.

Boy, that truck sure
is coming up awful fast.

There's room to pass.

[Honking]

Go around!

Hallelujah! It's my ketchup man

Come to rescue me.

Are you sure?

I'd recognize that red
peterbilt anywhere.

What should we do?

I don't know. Maybe
his brakes are out.

Go around!

That man is crazy, mary jo!

Pull over and let him pass.

You kidding?
That's the beginning

Of every bad "b"
movie I ever saw.

The trusting woman pulls over,

And out come the chain saws.

Uh-uh. I'm fighting back.

I'm putting the
pedal to the metal.

Yee-haw! At least
I get a car chase.

O.k., B.j., I'm ready
to get up now.

Sorry, anthony,

But the instructions
clearly say,

"15 Minutes of inert
inversion is required

For full relaxation."

I assure you, I have achieved
complete relaxation.

Well, let me help you up

So you don't break your neck.

Whoo! I tell you,

This aqua pack face mask

Makes me feel like bill cosby

In a jell-o commercial gone bad.

Om...

Om...

Listen. She's positively
transcendental.

Why were you so fidgety?

Because every time I
spend the evening with you,

I end up on a
contraption upside down.

Oh, come on, we're
home in one piece.

Can't you admit we had some fun?

I don't consider
near-death experiences fun.

I think we were on two wheels

Coming off that freeway.

Made me feel like burt reynolds

In smokey and the
bandit... Parts I and ii.

And we got rid
of that big, burly,

Ketchup-guzzling,
homicidal hillbilly.

Sounds like y'all
saw some action.

I didn't see anything.

We were going too fast.

Guess I steered you
gals in the right direction.

Carlene, what on
earth are you doing?

Just hanging out, studying.

I can see up your
nose from here.

O.k., Batgirl, time
for you to come down.

I want to hear about
this homicidal hillbilly.

He means nothing to me.

He was just another
roadside attraction.

[Knock on door]

You almost lost me,

But I knew I could
catch up with you.

I didn't mean it, big boy.

Don't take another step.

Anthony... Deck him.

I just come here

To return julia
sugarbaker's phone card.

That's my phone card?

You left it at the truck stop.

You drove all this
way just to give me this?

These cards fall
into dishonest hands,

You could have
yourself a nasty bill.

Thank you, mr...

Green. Otwell green.

Were you the one
doing the fancy driving?

No.

That was me.

I'm hideously embarrassed.

You shouldn't be.

I've never seen a woman
better handle a vehicle.

Are you some kind of
professional stunt driver?

No, not really.

I have driven a car pool

Full of screaming
6-year-olds on a sugar high.

I guess that's kind
of a stunt, huh?

Tonight, you was right out
of smokey and the bandit.

That's what I thought.

It's not a good idea
to drive at high speeds

To work out emotional distress,

And I didn't do it
to win my son back,

But might you repeat

That smokey and the
bandit stuff to him?

Mary jo, I almost forgot.

Quint called and left
a message for you.

He did?

Yeah.

Hi, mom. I called home,
but you weren't there,

So I'm calling work.
Are you there?

Guess not.

Miss you.

I guess I'll go to bed now.

Night, mom.

That's my boy.

Hey, big guy,

I'll be your long-haul mama

If you'll be my
hard-driving man.