07x06 - Viva Las Vegas

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, anthony.

Whoa. What's the
matter with you?

Are you in a bad mood?

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, come on. What's wrong?

Vanessa and I had another fight.

That's the 10th one this week.

Y'all aren't even married yet.

What are you going to do for fun

After you tie the knot?

At this rate, we're never
going to tie the knot.

Vanessa wants to
get married in bermuda

And have all the
groomsmen wear short pants.

I got news for her...

I'm not wearing short pants.

I'm not going to bermuda either.

My family can't
afford that stuff.

My uncle had to borrow from me

To pay off six
days at dollywood.

They say that's doing real well.

Was dolly there?

I have no idea, carlene.

Can't you tell vanessa that
your family can't afford it?

You all don't understand

What it's like to say no to her.

First she gets this real
hurt expression on her face.

Then she gets real quiet.

Then she calls her
rich daddy on the phone,

And there's this hushed talking

Going back and forth.

And I get the
distinct impression

That somebody's
about to be k*lled.

Oh, anthony, come on.

I'm sure you're overreacting.

No.

I don't know
about that, mary jo.

Morning. What are
y'all talking about?

Well, anthony and
vanessa had another fight.

If you'll excuse me, I'm
going into the storeroom

To study for this torts exam.

You've been in law
school a long time.

I don't mean to be critical,

But even charlene
wrote home about it.

[Telephone rings]

Oh, I got it.

Sugarbaker's.

Oh, hey, vanessa. How are you?

Yeah, he sure is.

Hang on just a second.

It's your bride-to-be.

What now, is she moving
the wedding to austria

So everybody can
wear lederhosen?

Hello.

No, it's o.k. I was
just getting ready

To put in some study time.

Well, what do you mean?

I know what you mean,

But I mean what do you mean?

You really mean that?

Couldn't you come over here

And tell me in person?

O.k.

Bye.

Anthony, did she
postpone the wedding?

No.

She called it off.

Where's anthony right now?

He's in the storeroom.

He doesn't want to see anybody.

Oh, I cannot believe

That anybody would
do this to a man

Two weeks before the wedding.

I knew it was coming.

That girl was no good.

You could just tell it.

She was always looking
at herself in the mirror.

And when she put
her lipstick on,

She'd purse up
her lips like this.

I just don't like a
woman who does that.

I mean, you know,

It's like "la dee da"
and "hot cha cha"

And "ain't I something?"

I ought to go there
and slap her face off.

Would you drive me?

Bernice, you're not going
to slap anybody's face off.

Sit down.

This is no time to
be acting goofy.

Hey, you know what
we ought to do?

We ought to go in that storeroom

And get anthony

And pile in my car,
drive to the airport,

Get on my jet, and
fly to las vegas.

Why should we do that?

Uh, because it's there.

All the times in my life

When I've been depressed
or upset about something,

I just made a beeline
for las vegas.

It made me feel better.

Why?

Uh, well, that's
hard to explain.

You ever been there?

No. No. No.

Well, then, you wouldn't know.

It's just that it's a
place that's never dark,

Nobody ever goes to bed,

And everything seems possible.

I was there once

With a senior citizens' tour.

I didn't think it was so hot.

I didn't win a damn
thing at bingo.

And those show girls,

Sticking their big breasts
in your face all day long.

Why, they could poke
somebody's eye out.

I'd love to go to las vegas.

We could really go in your jet?

Sure. Why not?

We don't have anything
to do this weekend.

You said quint's
staying at ted's.

Man, let's go. Let's do it.

Julia, what were your plans?

I was thinking about picking
up my christmas cards.

I'll take that as a yes.

Oh, you know what
else we could do?

We could stop
off in albuquerque.

I know this great
little mexican...

Stop off in albuquerque?

B.j., I can't believe your life.

She talks about this
like we used to talk

About going to the dairy queen.

It's my treat.

I won't take no for an answer.

Well, o.k.

But wait.

Anthony won't want to do this.

Well, let's just ask him.

Anthony!

Can you come out here, please?

Yeah, b.j. What do you need?

I need to talk to you.

Normally, I know I
would present my case,

And you'd give 15 reasons

Why you can't do it,

But I don't have time for that

Because we're
leaving in 10 minutes.

Leaving?

Yeah, that's right,

And I won't take
no for an answer.

We are going to las vegas...

Whoo!

Where dreams are
made and... Broken,

Where anything can happen.

B.j., You have no
way of knowing this,

But every adventure
I've ever gone on

With these women, from...

Going to graceland
when it was closed...

To spending a night
wearing panty hose

In a 10-degree motel room
with suzanne sugarbaker,

Has just ended up
as a total disaster.

You know...

Th-this just might be

The adventure that
I've been waiting for...

The one that just...

Finishes me off.

Is that a yes?

I'll get my bag.

Wahoo!

♪ Viva las vegas

♪ Viva las vegas

Bernice, sit down. Sit down.

Anthony, we're going to make
you forget all your troubles.

Look. There's the mirage.

That's where
siegfried and roy work.

Ooh, yeah. I'm feeling
better already.

Oh, come on, bro.
Now, don't pout.

I'll tell you,

You're well rid of that
little vanessa number.

Bear in mind, stevie
wonder dumped her,

And he couldn't even see her.

Now, this casino has keno.

I don't know what
the hell that is.

I prefer craps myself.

You really love this
place, don't you, b.j.?

Well, it is awful,

But it fascinates me.

But then, so do the dallas
cowboy cheerleaders,

And there's no explaining that.

Well, it certainly is
an education, isn't it?

I had no idea

There were so many forms
of topless entertainment.

Topless on ice, topless
ballet, topless mime.

I wonder what their
civic light opera is like.

I don't know why
topless is a big deal.

If you've seen two,
you've seen 'em all.

Anthony doesn't
need a topless show

As long as he's with mama.

Don't start, bernice.

♪ Black man

♪ Black man

Bernice! Sit down!

It's illegal to stand
up in a convertible.

Keep your shorts on, julia.

I'm trying to cheer anthony up.

Anthony, are you feeling better?

Oh, sure, carlene.

Who wouldn't be?

It's like a dream come true...

Being dumped by my fiancee,

Humiliated in front
of family and friends,

Then taken for a drive

Around the kitsch
capital of the universe

With five white
women in a cadillac.

I don't mean to be catty,

But have you noticed
these people we're passing?

This must be where
leisure suits and tube tops

Go when they die.

Hey. Look at that girl over...

She looks just like vanessa!

Oh, anthony, listen to me.

You've got to let that girl go.

She was a human barnacle.

Within a year of
marriage to her,

She would have sucked
the lifeblood out of you

And had her stupid initials
all over your towels.

Thank you, bernice.

Look.

There's the tropicana.

Folies bergere, look out,

Here we come!

Ha ha!

9! Winner, 9!

The lucky lady wins again.

Come on, you two.

I gave you each 100 bucks.

Play at least one game.

Oh, no, thanks.

I got my eye on a
one-step camera

At the gift shop.

Julia, you're not saving
your hundred, are you?

Well, I was planning
on giving mine to unicef.

Oh, please. I'll make
a donation to unicef.

I wish y'all could let
your hair down a little.

It's like being in vegas

With the sisters on the waltons.

Hey, give me my hundred
dollars back, each of you.

What?

I want my hundred
bucks right now.

Indian giver.

If you won't gamble,
I'll do it for you.

Put both of these on number 5.

All right, here we go.

5.

Pay 5.

[Mary jo] wow!

That's incredible!

Ladies, you just doubled
your money. Now what?

I'm going to give
$200 to unicef.

Get out of here.

Give them both number 4.

[Croupier] 4. Winner, 4.

O.k., Ladies, you
doubled it again.

Now what?

This is amazing.

I've never won anything before.

Yeah. Me, too.

I always heard that
gambling didn't pay.

Well, apparently,
mary jo, it does,

And it pays pretty big, too.

Why don't we just
do it one more time?

What is the name of this game?

Craps.

Well, that's kind of harsh.

Do you mind if I call
it something else?

You can call it bingo.

Just do it quickly.

Are you in or out?

I'm... In.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Me, too.

Oh, hey, listen, b.j.,

I think we ought to
do something for luck.

Just say something
for good luck.

Make something up.

Good luck to us.

May the wind always
be at our back.

You ready?

Uh... Luck, be a lady tonight.

Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

Whoo! Whoo!

I'm sorry. They've
never gambled before.

Really? It certainly
doesn't show.

O.k.

Ooh!

The winner is 6.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, we won! Aah!

Aah! Oh!

It's incredible!
It's incredible!

We won three times in a row!

Everything we
touch turns to gold!

[Carlene] oh, my goodness!

B.j., We lost all our
money at the slot machines.

11. Aah! Oh!

I should say bernice
didn't lose all her money.

Bernice had to pay

'Cause she knocked over
one of those machines.

Well, when I ask
for three cherries,

I want three cherries.

I don't want a lime and a cherry

And a damn bunch of grapes.

We're really glad
you're having fun,

But we're playing this
game here. We're hot.

So where's the bro?

Oh, he went to the second show

Of the folies bergere.

7, The winner.

Oh! Oh!

You know, I think he's in love.

Oh, b.j., That is ridiculous.

This man has just been jilted.

His heart is absolutely broken.

I'd be willing to bet

He's crying into a $27 drink
with a 10-cent umbrella.

[Music plays]

♪ I can be

♪ What I want to

♪ And all I need

♪ Is to get my boogie down

♪ You can be

♪ What you want to

♪ And all you need

♪ Is to get your boogie down

♪ You've got your sure 'nough

♪ And your certain on

♪ And you're lookin'
for your really for real

♪ You face that curtain

♪ With your best up-front

♪ You're a winner

♪ And you're gonna feel

♪ Ooh, yeah

♪ You can be

♪ What you want to

♪ And all you need

♪ Is to get your boogie down

♪ I can be

♪ What I want to

♪ And all I need

♪ Is to get my boogie down

Hey!

All right!

Watch out!

Hey!

♪ I can be

♪ What I want to

♪ And all I need

♪ Is to get my boogie down

[Kiss]

Hello, las vegas.

Here I come.

How you feeling?

All right.

Hello, handsome.

Oh!

All right.

All right.

♪ I can be

♪ What I want to be

Hello.

Feeling all right?

♪ You got your getup

♪ And your best look on

♪ And you're gettin'
ready for a good time

♪ You're gettin' ready

♪ For a party tonight

♪ You're a winner

♪ And you'll see

♪ Ooh, yeah

♪ You can be

♪ What you want to

♪ And all you need

♪ Is to get your boogie down

Hey!

Stop, baby.

Ho!

All right.

♪ I can be

♪ What I want to

♪ And all I need

♪ Is to get my boogie down

♪ I can do

♪ What I want to

♪ And all I need

♪ Is to get my

Ooh, I hope I see you later.

♪ Get my boogie down

[Applause]

Do you know what time it is?

It is 6:00 in the morning.

My feet hurt!

Let's hit the sack.

Let's go. Come on.

Carlene!

I cannot believe
that you can even talk

About going to bed

When we have chips
stacked up high like this.

I mean, what are you, crazy?

In a couple hours,

Mary jo and I will
need armed escorts

To get us out of here.

That's the kind of
luck we're having.

And you talk about leaving
so you can hit the sack?

Really! You're acting
like some 2-cent tourist.

This is the big time,

And everybody here knows

That we are into it.

Frankly, you're embarrassing us.

9,920.9,940...

Oh, well, excuse me!

I'm tired!

Y'all didn't babysit
bernice all night.

God, that's exhausting.

Who was that guy
you were talking to?

I don't know. Some fruitcake.

You know, he told me

That it got so hot
here last summer,

A couple of people
sitting in lounge chairs

Just burst into flames.

Is this a great town or what?

9,960.

9,980.

10,000!

Aah!

Yeow!

Oh! Oh!

You know what we could do?

What?

If we were really gutsy,

We would take the whole 10,000

And bet it double or nothing.

Why?

Because this is
what a man would do.

Because it shows we've
got the self-confidence

And we've got the
guts to go for broke.

I know y'all are on a roll,

But are you sure

You want to risk
the whole 10,000?

O.k.

We're doing it!

We're doing it!

Let's go. We're betting it all.

$10,000.

These ladies would
like to bet $10,000.

$10,000 Is the bet.

Ha!

7.

Winner.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

♪ Viva las vegas

♪ Viva las vegas
♪ viva las vegas

♪ Viva...

Anthony.

Anthony.

[Carlene] oh!

It's that show girl
from the folies bergere.

What's she doing in here?

I think that's pretty obvious.

Let me at her.

I'll pitch her jolly little
follies right out of here.

I bet she'll bounce.

Hush. O.k., We're
leaving right now.

[Carlene] o.k.

Hey.

Hey, what are you all doing?

Well, we were...

Just in the neighborhood
and making a spot check.

I just cannot believe you.

I thought you were
nursing a broken heart,

But here you are,

Hokey-pokeying
with some show girl.

Ooh.

Who the hell is that?

Come on, anthony.

It's your little friend

From the folies bergere.

Well, yeah, I do recognize her,

But how the hell
did she get in my bed?

Boy, if you can
pull that one off,

You're my top choice

For this year's academy award.

Now, look, i...

Turn around. Turn around.

I'm not kidding.

I don't have any idea
how she got here.

Ooh! My head!

You know, this girl
is really a snoozer.

I think that we
should get her up

And slap her around

And make her tell
us what happened.

Bernice, nobody's going
to slap anybody around.

Well, excuse me
again, miss w*r bond.

But I don't think

You single-handedly led
this wagon train to las vegas.

This is like some
kind of a nightmare.

Oh, yeah, that's horrible...

A beautiful,
voluptuous show girl

Comes into your hotel room,

Takes her clothes
off, sleeps with you.

I imagine you'll block it out

Just like vietnam.

Did... Did I drink all
this champagne?

I can't believe this.

I don't even like champagne!

Anthony...

I think we should apologize

For barging in here and
interrupting your little...

Love tryst.

I want to tell you
that we do understand

That you have
been terribly upset.

Julia, I don't
understand any of this!

You can't leave me here with her

Because I don't know her!

Oh...

Baby?

Honey, what's happening?

Where you going?

Who are you?

[Laughing]

Oh, you know who I am.

I'm etienne.

Auntie em?

Is that auntie em,

As in "we are not in
kansas anymore, toto"?

It's etienne,

As in etienne toussant.

Who are you?

We're all his wives,

And we're taking
him back to utah.

You know who these people are?

Yes, I can vouch for them,

But I am a little
worried about you.

How did you get here?

Silly man.

You mean you don't remember

The isle of capri
wedding chapel?

I...

I-i-isle of capri.

Mm-hmm.

Well, yes, I do vaguely remember

A very terrible rendition

Of I'll never love
this way again.

Yes.

That was dottie and
fred stonecipher

From clayton, missouri.

Dottie and fred?

Yes. You see, dottie
was our witness,

And fred provided the musical
accompaniment until he passed out.

But it was a beautiful ceremony.

Beautiful.

So, uh...

What are you saying?

Honey, what I'm saying

Is that last night you and i...

Got married!

Oh...

He's crying.

He cried all during the
ceremony yesterday,

And he's crying now.

I love a man that cries.

Well, darlin', looks
like you're in luck.