07x08 - Love Letters

[bunniefuu]

Carlene, when I agreed

To let you shadow me
for your business class,

I didn't expect you to
appear in silhouette

On the other side of my
shower curtain at 7 a.m.

Poking that machine in my face.

It was just a little joke.

I sang the theme from psycho.

♪ Ree ree ree ree

Considering your
already agitated state,

May I suggest decaf?

Uh-uh, anthony, this
calls for the real thing.

Ms. Sugarbaker consults with one of
her partners... Mr. Anthony bouvier...

Over a morning cup of coffee.

Oh, sorry I'm late,

But I ran into my mailman

And made the mistake
of asking how he was.

Whoa! Is that all
just today's mail?

It's disgusting, isn't it?

Ever since some computer
found out I was worth millions,

I've been receiving every
piece of junk mail imaginable.

Can I look at these catalogs?

I got catalogs from victoria's
secret for the lover in you,

L.l. Bean for that
sporting look,

And that's one
called puss 'n' boots

For the cat lover that's
gone over the edge.

It's sad think some
tree in the rain forest

Had to bite the dust

Just so I could receive
some scary pictures

Of some severely traumatized cat

Modeling a patent
leather rain ensemble.

This looks like that cat in those
posters dangling from a rope

That said, "hang
in there, baby."

I thought that cat
would be way too old

To still be modeling.

Huh, this is strange.

A letter from james' bank.

What do you know?

My sweet james had
a safety deposit box

That's up for renewal.

I'll stop by the bank
later and check it out.

Uh-oh! Are you going
to be doing anything

That I need to be filming?

Right now, I'm looking
for a sharp pencil.

Would that interest you?

No. I thought you were
going to do something exciting,

Like plan this week's
business strategy.

No, carlene, we're kind
of informal around here.

Our basic strategy is
keeping our swatches straight

And making sure we
have good take-out food.

Ms. Sugarbaker uses humor to
camouflage her secret formula

For conquering the ruthless
world of small business.

Can you believe this...

Customized silk pajamas,

An electronic massage chair,

His and her tanning beds?

I swear, the things rich
people spend their money on

Is just downright sinful.

You know what they say...

It's easier for a camel

To get through
the eye of a needle

Than for a rich man to
enter the gates of heaven,

Especially with a tanning bed

Strapped on your back.

You all are never
going to believe it.

I have the absolute
greatest news.

My car has been
completely totalled.

I hated that old car.

Now I'm rid of it.

I parked on the street.

This beer truck lost control
and barreled into my station wagon.

You could smell the
kiss of hops for miles.

A couple of people
were licking the street.

Don't you see?

It's a sign.

How blatant could you be?

A beer truck

Plows into a...

Station wagon.

The universe is telling me

My days of domestic
housewife servitude

Are over.

Well, how do you figure?

It's saying, "dump the
frump-mobile, it's miller time."

Well, no offense, darling,

But maybe the
universe is just saying,

"Don't park there anymore."

Oh, no. I hated that car.

It was like driving around
with a billboard that said...

"I have stretch marks."

How will you get around?

I've rented a car,

And not just any car.

I have rented a fire-engine red,

Two-seater convertible

With black racing stripes.

[Imitates racing engine]

I thought I better try one
out before I bought one.

The insurance is
going to be incredible.

I seem to recall

That when ted shively bought
a racy little red sports car

After you all got divorced,

You called it a pathetic
attempt at recapturing his youth.

Well, that came out wrong.

What I meant was...

Great car.

As I recall,

You were quite adamant about it.

You even quoted ann
landers or dear abby.

What do they know?

They've been joined at
the same hairdo since birth.

You're just itching to get back
behind that wheel, aren't you?

I am. Let me take
you for a spin.

Well, I do need to
stop by the bank.

Come with us. We'll
burn some rubber.

We have more
important things to do...

I hope, more mature things than
tooling around in your convertible.

Speak for yourself, mildred.

I want to see if this baby

Can do 220 in 12 seconds.

What are you going to do now?

Carlene, now I'm going
to read this magazine.

It's important for me to keep
up with the trend of things.

Do you mind?

Yes, I do.

I need a little more
action from you.

Should I do a cartwheel?

Would you mind?

Yes.

Well, thank you, mary jo.

I really enjoyed
that last little spin,

But next time I'd like to do it

Without the highway patrol

Making us stand on one
leg and touch our noses.

You got a ticket, mary jo?

Just a little one.

Hell, I'll go to traffic school.

I can't help it.

Every time I get behind the
wheel of that sports car,

Frumpy mary jo disappears,

And my soul's possessed
by the road warrior.

I don't think it's ever in
any person's best interest

To throw a big gulp
at a motorcycle cop.

I did not throw it. It
blew out of my hand.

It appears we've discovered

Another thing that brings out

Your more aggressive side.

Come on. It's not like I
was popping wheelies

Or running senior
citizens into ditches.

Hold still. There's
something in your hair.

It looks like a bug.

Get it out!

Julia sugarbaker
practices office safety

By pulling a bug out of
her fellow employee's head.

That's not a bug, julia.

It's two bugs.

Aah! Anthony, get
this out of here!

Mary jo, wait a minute now.

Come on, wait a minute.

[High pitched voice]
help me! Help me!

There, the hideous
nightmare is over.

You k*lled them?

Yes, I believe I did.

Why did you have to k*ll them?

Couldn't you have
taken them outside?

What is it with you women?

One second, you're
screaming like banshees

Because there's a bug here.

As soon as a man kills it,

You act like I snuffed
out old yeller.

What's in the
safety deposit box?

Well, I never really
got a chance to look,

With mad max honking
away in the parking lot.

I was parked in a
handicapped space.

I dumped everything in my purse.

Let's have a look-see.

Whoa!

Oh! Oh! Oh! This is so cool.

It's like al capone's vault,

Like that safe they
brought up from the titanic.

That's one of your more
scintillating moments on tv.

I personally I haven't
been that excited

Since ross perot
brought out his pie graphs.

Oh, I bet james

Was going to
surprise me with this

When we got back
from our honeymoon.

That would be quite a surprise.

Ms. Sugarbaker is handing
out employee bonuses

At the end of the month.

Ooh-wee! Here's another
little surprise for you.

Oh, how sweet...

10,000 Shares of at&t.

That's a big company.

They handle all
my long distance.

Wow!

Ooh, listen to this.

"My dear james,

"Though it's only been a
day since our last embrace,

I ache for your
hard manly kiss."

B.j., You never told us
you wrote for harlequin.

Call me a hopeless romantic,

But I'd like a man

Who'd put that value
on my love letters.

Call me old-fashioned,

But I'd like anybody who
gave me 10,000 shares of at&t.

"I hunger for the touch
of your steely arms

Around my eager,
pulsating body."

Eager, pulsating body?

Get real.

I never wrote anything
like that in my whole life.

Oh, you probably just forgot.

Believe me, mary jo,

If any part of my body
was eager or pulsating,

I would remember it.

Let me see.

"It's cruel to keep
me waiting, jim-my.

"I beg you, come
soon and lie beside me

"Till the dawn's early light.

"Your faithful pet...

Carolyn"?

"And lie beside me till
the dawn's early light"?

What'd this bimbo do,

Sleep with francis scott key?

That letter was written in may,

The same month james
and I got engaged.

Y'all must think I'm
the biggest fool ever,

The way I carried on
about my sweet james,

When all the time, he and
this carolyn person were...

Oh, I just can't say it.

Pen pals?

Yeah, right.

Oh, b.j.,

Is there anything
we can do for you?

Yes. I want somebody
to slap me real hard

For being so stupid as to think

I could find somebody as
rich and as handsome as james

Who'd be faithful
to someone like me.

What do you mean
"someone like me"?

Oh, come on, julia,

I was a lowly court reporter,

And james was one of houston's
most eligible bachelors.

At one time, he even
dated shirley jones.

Or was it florence henderson?

I forget. Whichever
one has wessonality.

B.j.,

I could point out

That you cannot be sure

James was having an
affair with this woman

Based on reading
this one letter.

That's circumstantial
evidence, right, anthony?

That's right. It'd never
stand up in court.

Steely arms, pulsating body...

They could have been
in a gym class together.

You know, there's something
about this carolyn's handwriting.

Carlene, anthony, remember when
we had our handwriting analyzed

By that expert down at the mall?

Yes. He was good.

He could tell by the way

I dotted my "is"
with little hearts

That I was well-intentioned
and sentimental.

I liked that guy
next to him better.

What guy?

The guy that dressed
up peanuts like people...

Tennis nut, golf nut.

I really liked him.

Ahem. He also said
something very interesting

About the letter "b."

Look at the way
carolyn makes her "b"...

Yeah?

With the bigger
loop at the bottom.

Don't y'all remember
what that means?

She got a big butt.

No, that's o.k. I
like that theory.

We should take this letter
down and have him analyze it.

Think he's still there?

Well, I don't know, mary jo.

I've never trusted lifetime
guarantees given by a person

Who does business
out of a shopping cart.

I specifically remember

That kind of "b" means

That a woman is
severely disturbed

And prone to wild exaggeration.

Yeah. She also has
poor penmanship.

She certainly couldn't
be an attractive person.

Oh, no. You're probably right.

There you go, b.j.

She has a big butt, poor
penmanship, and she's crazy.

It's no use.

I know what y'all
are trying to do.

I'm just going to have
to face the hard truth.

That this carolyn
obviously was giving james

Something I couldn't.

Oh, now, b.j., Don't
blame yourself.

Don't do that because I know

That after ted left
me for another woman,

That's what I did
for a whole year.

I thought my breasts
weren't big enough,

Then it was my cellulite,

Then maybe it was my coffee.

Maybe my morning
breath finally got to him.

Then I started to think,

His chest didn't
have any hair on it,

My legs were
just as good as his,

And my coffee was excellent,

And his breath smelled like
those big horsey vitamins.

I said, what the
hell, he's out of here.

And it felt great, you know.

It still feels great, and i...

I can't remember why I
started telling you this.

Did it have something
to do with wessonality?

B.j., You know,

I think mary jo is
suggesting that you could

Concentrate on
james' bad points.

Yes, that's right.

Well, as far as I can
tell, he didn't have any.

That's the beauty of
dying on your wedding day.

Maybe it's hard for women

To understand infidelity

Because they
equate sex with love.

Julia, that's not true anymore.

Women carry condoms
on their key chains.

My point was going to be

That apparently some
people can have affairs

Without diminishing the love
that they feel for someone else.

You believe that?

No, but we got to get
something off the ground here.

Maybe you should consider,
as ceo of a fortune 500 company,

James was under
a lot of pressure.

Sometimes, when you
have that kind of stress,

It causes a man to do
some strange things.

He's right.

I saw this story on hard copy

About these corporate
honcho rich guys

Who boss people around all day,

And they pay huge
amounts of money

To hire these
sexual dominatrices

Who make them wear baby diapers

And then spank them for
being naughty little boys.

You all aren't real experienced
at consoling, are you?

Maybe we should all shut up

And let b.j. Work
this out for herself.

Thank you all for your support,

But I think this is something

That I'm going to have
to talk to my james about.

That call will cost you
a lot of that at&t stock.

Well, it may sound strange,

But I've had some of my best
conversations with james

Since he d*ed.

I've been to his crypt
six or seven times

To tell him what's going on.

As much as I loved him,
he had one bad habit.

That was interrupting people.

But now that
problem's been rectified.

Are you sure you
want to do this?

You're not going to
get a lot of answers

In a mausoleum.

Oh, I'm not looking for answers.

I've assimilated
all the information

One can for one day.

Why are you going?

I guess I just want
to remind james

That he's a dead man.

I just don't even know
where to begin, james.

I'm so angry with you right now.

I can't understand how
you could treat me this way.

I'm not a real tough
person to get along with.

I never asked for that much,

Just that number
one... You be faithful,

And number two...

You'd put the toilet seat
back the way you found it.

It's obviously one more
request than you could handle.

Just for the record,

I would much rather

You had fouled up
that toilet seat thing.

I guess what hurts
me most is that...

I never completely
gave myself to anyone

Before you.

I trusted you,

The way I trust my parents

Or... Or my best friend.

I thought you
were my best friend.

Damn you!

Why did you do this?

Was she prettier or
younger or smarter?

Don't answer that.

Did she make you
feel more manly?

More... Loved?

I know she couldn't
give better gifts.

Who else had the cowboy
cheerleaders and willie nelson

At their birthday party?

Who else has his
and her helicopters?

Who else is buried with
a woman on top of him?

"In loving memory of...

Carolyn staley"?

I...

I can't believe

That I never noticed

That there was a
woman above you before.

Obviously, a shortcoming I
had when you were alive, too.

Well, is this her?

I mean, was it so hot and heavy

That you had to be
buried together?

You son of a bitch!

I hate you!

I hate you!

I hate you!

Excuse me. This is
my husband's crypt.

Who are you?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I...

Oh, uh...

Oh, you know, I always do this.

I'm a couple of rows off.

Uh...

Please forgive me.

I know that your husband

Must have been a
very lovely man.

That was terrible the way
you were screaming at him.

I know. I'm... I'm
terribly, terribly sorry.

She said she was sorry.

I'm going to send fresh flowers

To him and, uh, carolyn upstairs

This afternoon.

I'll call merlin olsen myself.

I'm... I'm so ashamed.

There, see what you caused?

Oh, I'm so embarrassed. Oh.

Ha ha ha ha!

I wish I could crawl
in there with you.

Oh, you know what I miss most?

The way we used
to laugh together.

Remember when we got
locked out of the ritz carlton

In madrid in our underwear

And you talked that guy
using the soda machine

Into giving you his
plaid bermuda shorts

So that you could go
down to the front desk

And get another key?

I was laughing so hard
that you could hear me

Through six floors
of elevator shaft.

Oh, james,

Oh, james... Sometimes

I'm so scared

That I'll never
laugh that way again.

I don't know why you did this.

Oh! You know, some
days you get up

And it's kind of like
you find fidel castro

Sitting in your
refrigerator smoking a cigar.

It's hard to know what to think.

Well, I know I forgive you,

Because I have to.

Hey, b.j., There you are!

We've been looking
all over for you.

Well, I told you
where I was going.

It's a big place,
boxes everywhere.

It's like a giant
shoe department.

You're real loud.

You've been driving that
convertible again, haven't you?

We came over here because
we want to show you something.

Well, uh, what's that?

Here. We found
this after you left

In some more of james' papers.

So?

So, look at the postmark.

"May... 1956."

1956... That would have been
when james was in college.

That's right. That
letter is 36 years old.

I can't believe it... 1956.

I never thought that a year
would sound so wonderful.

By the way,

If anything untimely
should happen to me,

Make sure I'm buried
in the red convertible.

You liked that, huh?

No. I was just having
a laugh with james.

Really?

Well, not really.

I... I talk to him,

But he doesn't
say anything back.

That would be...

Weird.

Right.

I can't thank y'all
enough for finding this.

I'd already forgiven james,

But I still was going on

A real mean, texas-style
shopping spree.

What are you laughing at?

Oh, nothing. James was just...

Uh, uh, nothing.

Cracking you up, huh?

Well...

Oh, of course not.

We all know dead
people can't talk.

That's ridiculous.
Let's get out of here

And go try on that
diamond necklace.

Well, I'm for that.

Uh, y'all go on ahead,

And I'll be right there.

James, you old card.

I love you, too.