07x09 - The Vision Thing

[bunniefuu]

Boy, you know,

There's nothing more
romantic than love at first sight.

Anthony locked eyes
with a las vegas show girl

Across a crowded
casino, and boom,

Less than 24 hours later,

They're joined
together in wedded bliss.

It's like something
out of a romance novel.

Well, at least the
classic comic's version.

You don't have much
faith in this marriage.

It's just hard to have faith

Knowing that anthony
and etienne were united

In the isle of capri
wedding chapel

By a justice of the peace

Who moonlights as a
female impersonator.

Well, I'll grant you that.

What are you going to
get her for a shower gift?

What do you get a former
las vegas show girl?

Just about anything,

When you consider
she's probably been eating

Olives and beer
nuts for breakfast

For the past 10 years.

Something to turn her eggs with

Would be much appreciated.

B.j., You are awful.

Marriage is a crapshoot no
matter where you take your vows.

I hope y'all don't
think this is tacky,

But I wanted this
shower to be a big deal,

So I stopped by the nancy
wedding center yesterday.

I saw these beautiful
rhinestone-encrusted shower thrones

That the bride sits in while
you give her her presents.

I knew anthony would
be here, so I rented two.

Rhinestone-encrusted
shower thrones?

Well, sounds kind of flashy,

But then that
would just complete

That kind of viva-las-vegas-

Elvis-rhinestone
motif they've got going.

Whoa, say,

I don't know why
we're fooling around

With a couple of chairs
and assorted geegaws.

I say we should
just go whole hog

And engage the dancers
from topless on ice.

You know what?

This thing really
does have a theme.

It's elvis, it's
vegas, it glitters.

I didn't even plan it that way.

That probably comes from working
with such creative decorators.

You know, truth is,

I still get a kick out
of being a partner

In a decorating firm

Because I don't know
boo about decorating.

I barely know chippendale
from chip and dale,

Except that one of
those two is squirrels.

No, no.

They were chipmunks.

I... I loved them
when I was little.

You want to know why?

'Cause they had good manners.

[High-pitched voice] after you.

No, after you.

We get the point, carlene.

Good, she gets the point.

Carlene.

What are we doing
for this shower?

We'll sit them in those
thrones and give them presents.

Then what?

We'll watch them
open the presents.

Good. We have a plan.

I'll sleep tonight.

Let's try a little
science experiment.

Pull them apart,

And see if they
spring back together.

Uh, etienne, baby...

Mm-hmm.

I think we're inside now.

O.k., Baby.

Etienne is dropping me off

Because we just have my car.

She wanted to say hi.

Hi. How are you?

Enchante, girlfriends.

How are you today, etienne?

Fine. Just fine.

And thank you so
much for asking.

But, please, call me e.t.

Tony does when he remembers,

But he forgets a lot.

If you call me e.t.,
That'll help train him.

E.t. It is then.

I call him tony
'cause he's my tiger,

And he's great!

Grrr!

Well, now that you've
gotten settled in,

How are you enjoying atlanta?

Oh, it's wonderful.

It's so green.

And, you know, I've noticed

There are an awful lot
of black people here.

Not like las vegas.

No. I stood out there.

Amongst a sea of white faces,

I was the ebony goddess.

And you still are, baby.

And I worship at your temple.

Oh, does he say the right things

Or what?

Smooch break.

Mmm. E.t., Baby,

We better calm down.

I'm starting to get a
little callus on my lip.

Well, I better be going anyway.

I've made myself a whole
list of things I've got to do.

First, I've got to do
some clothes shopping

Because it's going
to be very cold soon,

And everything I
have is just so skimpy.

That's just what julia said.

Oh,

I really can't thank you enough

For giving me this shower.

You all don't really know me.

It's our pleasure. We want
to welcome you to the family.

Because you don't know me,

I figured you might
not know what I want,

So I made you a list.

My sizes and color
preferences are on page two.

Well, thank you, etienne.

This is very efficient.

Oh, thank you. I
am very efficient.

In fact, I'm going to
learn how to cook today.

You don't have to
learn to cook for me.

Oh, but I want to.

I'm not one of those
cranky, feminist-type women

That feel that a man
has to cook for himself.

Well, speaking as one of those

Cranky, feminist-type women,

I don't find anything wrong

With wanting to cook
for someone you love.

That's right, girl.

Julia, I'm going to like you.

You are so smart.

I can't wait till we all
get to know each other.

Time to go, baby.

O.k., Honey.

Bye-bye.

I won't be home for dinner

'Cause I have class tonight.

I'll keep something
warm for you.

Well, no, that's all right.

I'll get something before class.

Mmm. Mmm.

I'm seriously worried about
him not getting enough oxygen.

Bye-bye, honey.

Hoo hoo hoo!

Whoo!

What that woman does for me.

She makes me feel like a...

Like a natural man.

[Laughs]

Whoo!

She just does everything for me.

I mean, she's ready,

She's eager,

She is willing.

I can't take this pressure!

I'm exhausted!

She's wearing me out.

I'm going to die!

I'm working full-time,
I'm going to law school,

And suddenly,

"Hi, how you doing? I do,"

And I'm married to
etienne toussant bouvier.

I have made

The biggest mistake of my life.

[B.j.] Looky there.

That gal's got him
plumb tuckered out.

Bless his heart.

I hope he doesn't think

He's made the worst
mistake of his life.

I hope he doesn't ask me

If I think he did.

Again, baby? Damn!

I-i'm sorry.

I didn't mean to fall asleep.

How long have I been out?

A couple of days.

That can't be true.

My wife wouldn't leave
me alone that long.

Huh. That's the first
time I've ever said that...

My wife.

Doesn't sound so bad?

I... I think I need to
say it some more.

That's my wife.

She's my wife.

Take my wife. Please!

I guess that little nap didn't
clarify anything for you.

I don't know.

I've always looked at my life

As a logical sequence of events,

But somehow the events
have been shuffled...

I mean... We got married
before our first date.

Etienne seems very happy.

I know, and that's
why I feel so bad.

She's decided she's going to be

Mrs. Anthony bouvier
with a vengeance.

And while she may not
exactly be donna reed,

What she does do...

She does well.

We don't need the
personal details.

No. Go ahead, anthony.

Describe your sex life,

And get real graphic.

I love to watch the blood
drain from julia's face.

How refreshing.

With all your money,

The simple pleasures
still amuse you.

Bonjour, everybody!

Hi, tony.

Feast your eyes. It's me.

Mmm. Mmm.

Don't you love the way he
lights up when I'm in the room?

We were just commenting on that.

Well...

I have just had the
most productive morning.

I was in the drugstore.

I had a wonderful vision standing
at the feminine hygiene counter.

You see, all my life,

I've seen visions and
made them happen.

I know what I want.

When I was 5 and had buck teeth

And my hair in braids,

I knew one day I'd grow up to be

One of the most beautiful
women in the whole world.

Excuse me. I'm intrigued.

Could we get back to
the feminine hygiene vision?

Of course.

I like you, mary jo.

You're so...

Focused.

Well, anyway,

I was standing at the
counter, thinking to myself,

What could I do
as the perfect wife

For my darling husband tony?

And then it came to me.

We need to make a baby.

A baby?

Yes.

I know that I can
be very good at it.

Everything I do I'm good at

Or I don't do it anymore.

My mother's 1 of 14. I'm 1 of 9.

My sisters have
had four babies each.

Having babies runs in my family.

A baby, huh?

Yes. A little boy first,

Followed by a little girl.

Then we'll have you snipped,

Because any more
than two babies...

Any more than two babies,

You'll never get
your figure back.

What do you think of the
names tony and antoinette?

A baby?

Oh, now, st...

You all are just
doing way too much.

What did you do... Buy
everything on the list?

A bride deserves to have
her dreams come true.

Well, i... I cannot legitimately
accept these presents

Because of the way this
marriage is turning out.

You'll probably end
up returning them,

And i... I can't
take the pressure.

That's what
marriage is all about...

Constant pressure.

Anthony, sit down
and talk to me.

What are you feeling
pressured about?

Oh, julia. Pressure to succeed,

Pressure to make
etienne's dreams come true,

Pressure to reproduce.

Do you mean you haven't
sat down with etienne

And talked about having a baby?

I'm beginning to understand

Why you're hopping around

Like a rabbit on the highway.

You haven't talked to your
new wife about anything.

She won't let me talk to her.

My lips are otherwise occupied.

Write her a note.

She hates to read.

Make her a video...

You're missing the point.

I don't know what to say.

Start with
something simple, like,

"Hey, honey, we got
a big huge problem."

Well, you don't know etienne.

Then again, neither do i.

But what I've learned

Is she's very strong-willed.

She doesn't like to hear things

She doesn't want to hear.

What I have to
say will crush her.

I'm willing to bet etienne's
stronger than you imagine.

She's got a lot of stamina.

She's like that battery bunny.

She just keeps on going
and going and going.

That's not what I meant.

I... I know, julia. I'm sorry.

But i... I just couldn't
sleep last night

Because I kept on thinking...

I don't know how to be married.

I mean, I've never
lived with anybody

Except for t. Tommy reed.

He had his own way
of communicating,

But good marriages aren't built

On slamming your partner's face

Into a bowl of cream of wheat

Until they say,
"forgive me, mr. Reed,

For wearing white
shoes after labor day."

Anthony, nobody
knows how to be married

When they first get married.

You have to learn
how to live together.

You can't start out a marriage

Thinking that if you say,

"Don't put wet towels
on wood furniture,"

Or "I don't think I want
children right now,"

That she's going to leave you.

I'm not worried
about her leaving me.

I'm worried about her
not leaving me alone.

I mean, she's just so
energetic and enthusiastic.

I've always thought
of love as a fire.

It's like a surprise

Whether it ends
up keeping you warm

Or burning your house down.

No. See...

I've always been attracted
to dangerous women,

And it's terrible,

Because I always
have this feeling

That I'm stalled on
the railroad track,

Waiting for a train to come
along and obliterate me.

Hi, everybody!

How are you?

Oh! Everything looks so nice.

I just cannot believe

That this is my very
own wedding shower.

In las vegas, we had
wedding showers

For different girls,

But they weren't
the old-fashioned kind

With the lace and nut cups...

Although we had a
shower for one girl,

And this male exotic
dancer did a striptease.

He ruined it for everybody,

Because everybody had
danced with him before.

Everybody knew he was gay.

Etienne, I don't think
they want to hear this.

These ladies are sheltered.

That's not true, anthony.

We know about
male exotic dancers.

Julia had one for
her birthday last year.

Well, anyway, I tell you,

I cannot thank you all enough.

But if things go the way I hope,

Well, maybe I can just
name a baby after you.

What's this?

I want to borrow anthony

For about an hour.

He'll be back for the party.

"Please excuse anthony from work

So he can help out
with his chores at home."

What chores?

You know what chores.

You got man's work to do.

I'm tired of doing man's work.

You didn't have
to write me a note.

This would be
entirely up to anthony.

Uh...

E-excuse us for
j-just a moment, please.

Honey.

Hmm?

What do you want me to do?

Honey, this is very personal.

I bought this test
at the drugstore

Well, now's the time.

For what?

If you want a baby,

We got to strike
while the iron's hot.

I... I don't know
about your iron,

But my iron is unplugged
and out of commission.

Anthony, you're embarrassing me.

So i... I don't think

I would want to serve
on that commission.

I can't believe
you're embarrassed,

The way you been kissing
me in front of them.

That's going to stop.

My etiquette book
said that's very tacky.

A moderate amount
of gum's acceptable

If your lips are closed

And you don't have
that smacking sound.

So, baby, what do
you want from me?

A baby now!

E-excuse me, julia.

Would you mind if
we went upstairs

And talked privately?

You and me?

No, julia. Me and her.

And don't worry.

If she tries anything
in your bedroom,

I'll slap her face.

Good, because if you
don't, I'll be slapping yours.

A-all right. Etienne?

Let's go on upstairs
and have a talk.

All right, baby.

And I want you to know

How very excited I
am about this shower.

I hope we get to
play that game...

Where everybody
figures out all the words

From his name and mine.

I started last night.

Oh, I hope that's not cheating.

Shh! Come on.

Oh, you men are so funny.

You'd never get anything done

If you didn't have a woman

To push you a little.

Don't worry, honey.
You're just scared.

I'm not scared, baby.

I'm terrified.

I've got something to tell you.

Now, you know that I would
never, ever do anything

To hurt you.

Uh-huh.

But I got to tell you the truth.

I married you on the rebound.

You're trying to say
you don't love me?

Oh, baby, I love you... I think.

I do love you...

Well, it's o.k.

It's o.k.

If you love me, it's o.k.

I love you.

I just don't know you.

Sure, you do.

We got this thing
going too fast.

We haven't had our first fight.

What do you want
to fight about, tony?

No, baby, see you...

You cannot plan a fight.

A fight just happens.

We have to fight with each other

Out of pure, organic annoyance.

Oh, tony, you're so deep.

Don't call me tony.

That's something
you need to know.

I hate being called tony.

Is this our first fight?

I'm real good at fighting.

I'll call you everything
but a child of god.

See? You fight well.

I didn't know that.

Yes, you did.

I told you I'm good
at everything.

I'm good at all the passions.

I'm just not sure this
marriage is going to work out.

I know it's going to work out.

I have enough faith
for the two of us.

I can respect that.

You know, I've
got a vision, too.

I didn't know you
did the vision thing.

You want to hear about it?

Oh, yes!

Well, o.k.

See, it's two or three
years from now...

Yes...

I've already graduated
from law school.

I'm a successful lawyer.

Could you make that a judge?

That's what I see in my vision.

We've got this beautiful house

And maybe a garden.

And you're happy,

And I'm happy,

And we're sitting down,

And we're having our
first conversation

About starting a family.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Mm-hmm.

You don't want to have babies.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I want to have babies.

Just not now!

Etienne, I met my
father for the first time

A couple of years ago.

By then I had figured out

How to ride a bicycle.

It was a little late.

I want to be there for my kids.

I want us to be there together.

I guess what I'm asking is,

Can you just wait till I'm sure?

Well...

I guess I can adjust my vision,

Especially since
you've adjusted yours.

Oh, baby, thank you.

You feel better?

Uh-huh.

Oh.

See?

You really do love me.

Gosh, I wonder what's
going on up there.

I don't know whether
to whisper or talk loud.

I suggest we go on
about our business.

Nothing untoward is
going to occur up there.

I know anthony,

And I assure you,
anthony knows me.

All I got to say

Is that is one determined woman.

I got $200 says

She'll have a
biscuit in the oven

In time for supper.

What I do want to say

Is whatever happens up there,

I'm rooting for them
to make it work out.

'Cause you know what?

I like her, don't you?

I think there's something
special between them.

I don't think there's
even air between them.

But there is something
about a relationship

That seems so impossible

That you want it to work.

It's like the law student
and the show girl.

It makes you want
to root for it.

Have you ever noticed

The more impossible
the match is,

The more you want
to see it succeed?

It does seem the most
impossible ones do work out,

Like mel brooks
and anne bancroft.

Or siegfried and roy.

We've all lost a lot of sleep

Worrying about them, carlene.

We're back!

Shower me with gifts.

Is that o.k., Anthony?

Are you committed
to receiving presents?

Yes, I think we're ready
to assume our thrones

And receive our gifts.

Well, that sounds encouraging.

O.k.

I'd like to share some
words of inspiration.

From the late, great,
immortal elvis presley.

Who did a lot of work in vegas,

Which is where you
two crazy kids met.

I hope you like it.

[Imitating elvis]
♪ love me tender

♪ Love me true

♪ Tell me you are mine

♪ For my darling

♪ I love you

♪ Till the end of time

Everybody sing!

Come on. Everybody sing!

♪ Love me tender

♪ Love me long

♪ All my dreams fulfill

♪ For, my darling, I love you

♪ And I always will