07x10 - Trial and Error

[bunniefuu]

And kmart - "the quality
you need, the price you want"

Hey, b.j.

Hey, carlene,

Lookee here what I got for you.

What do you have?

You did not do anything for me.

What is...

No way.

It's... It's two tickets to
the billy ray cyrus concert!

Ohh! Be still, my
achy-breaky heart.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

B.j., About these gifts...

Oh, now, don't think
I forgot you, julia.

I didn't have time to wrap it.

Stop it, b.j.

You know I cannot accept this...

First edition walt whitman.

Whitman. I love their samplers.

Uh... Heh heh.

Carlene, wrong whitman.

I know that.

I'm hinting.

Got it.

O.k.

This is too much.

Oh, hell, I'm from texas.

"Too much" is the
watchword of my faith.

Try to be a good neighbor.

Feed their mangy cats
when they're out of town.

Ignore it when they run
their car over your petunias.

Thrill at the burping display

At their endless
tupperware parties.

This is what it gets you.

What is that?

A summons for
small claims court.

I'm being sued by my
neighbor nita foley...

The one in the cape cod
with split ends from hell.

About a month ago I
sold her my deep freeze.

I almost threw my back
out helping you move that.

You were there.
You're my witness.

Remember when she picked it up

I specifically asked
her to plug it in

And test it?

Yes, you did.

She said, "oh, no! I trust you."

I believe she did.

She never bothered to plug it in

Until she'd ordered
a side of beef

From a mail order
side of beef emporium.

Then when she plugs
it in, it doesn't work.

Now's she's suing me
for the deep freeze

And the half-cow that's
melted in her basement.

Well, mary jo,
I'm not surprised.

This whole country

Is frenzied with
litigation fever.

Personally, I hold the judge
wapners of the world responsible.

Why, julia, I never
knew you watched

People's court.

We could have had so
much more to talk about.

I don't watch it. You don't
have to to know what it is.

I was going to
ask if you thought

Doug llewellyn wore a toupee.

I'll tell you what.
I'll check on that,

Because toupee-spotting
is my favorite pastime.

Julia, I have to agree with you

About our litigious society.

I speak with some authority,

Having been the fastest
court reporter in texas

Four years running.

I had some of the
damnedest cases pass by me.

We had this one fella who
had this unfortunate incident

As a result of working out naked

On a stair-climbing machine.

He claimed they
should have warned him

About the hazards
of climbing naked.

But, you know, I just
saw it as common sense.

Everybody knows there's
three things you don't do naked.

Exercise,

Use power tools,

And fry chicken.

People don't communicate
with each other anymore.

They just grab the phone

And dial 1-800-555-i-sue.

I just hope you all won't
think too badly of me

If you turn on your tv

And see a woman with a neck
brace and a bad permanent

Saying, "anthony
bouvier got me $2,000."

I know I'm in the right here,

But to make sure,

I think I'll call
that 1-800-555...

Wait. I just got a great idea.

It's the best idea
since the dual-deck,

High-speed, portable cd players.

They are so nice.

You're just like a naughty
child before christmas.

So what's your idea?

Let anthony be your lawyer.

You cannot be represented by
an attorney in small claims court.

You know so much already.

Secondly, it's a terrible idea.

I'm not a lawyer, and I've
never been in front of a judge...

At least not without
handcuffs on.

I was hoping you'd come
down and be my witness.

Well...

I could do that.

Good. And since you're
coming down anyway,

You could give me some
pointers, help me get organized.

Help me make
mincemeat of this broad.

I guess I could look up
some precedents for you.

"Anthony bouvier got me $2,000."

I got to tell you,

Shopping with this gal

Is like being with
the special forces

On a full-scale invasion.

She sees it, she tries
it, she makes it work.

And I buy it.

I just love someone who
knows how to receive.

You made my day.

Ooh, thank you, b.j.

B.j. Has credit cards
without any limits.

Now, that's a
goal to strive for.

[Etienne] hello, precious.

This is it, mary jo.

I hope you're ready,
'cause I am ready.

Never been so ready.

I stayed up all night
researching. I am prepared.

Cite any case. I'll give
you all the details.

At any time during the night,

Did the word "decaf"
enter your mind?

Decaf as in decaf vs.
The state of georgia?

Never mind.

Mary jo, you've got
nothing to worry about.

I've researched this case
back to the magna carta.

We don't need to drag
the magna carta into it.

We'll just whomp old nita

And make her look
like the whiner she is.

Well... It may seem that simple

From a layman's point of view.

As your legal adviser, it
is my duty to inform you

That what we have here
is a case of quid pro quo.

We must employ that
time-tested legal tenet,

Stare decisis.

Uh-huh. Then what?

Well, then it's just a
matter of caveat emptor...

Buyer beware.

Anthony, do you know you're
stirring your coffee with your pencil?

I... I...

You're actually kind
of vibratin' over there.

You look like you're fixin'
to spontaneously combust.

You sure you're up to this?

Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

He's fine. He's ready
for action. Right?

Absolutely.

But don't get nervous,

'Cause you know that
big old donkey laugh

You let fly when you're nervous.

A-absolutely.

My baby's gonna be all right.

One day he's gonna
be up in washington

In front of the supremes.

That's what she calls
the supreme court.

Can't you just see
clarence thomas up there

In a big old wig and sequined
dress, singing love child?

It's about time for y'all
to go to the courthouse.

Just let me finish this coffee.

Before you go, I
got you something.

The only difference between
you and a full-scale lawyer

Is a degree and a
snazzy briefcase.

You're working on the degree,

So I worked on the briefcase.

B.j., You shouldn't have!

[B.j.] Oh, it's my pleasure.

Let's go!

Now, anthony,

Remember to call the
judge "your honor."

They get real
testy if you don't.

O.k., B.j.

And stare into
the plaintiff's eyes.

It gets 'em rattled.

And make sure that
court reporter

Gets her lunch.

I got enough to remember.

Just remember one more thing.

We're proud of you,

So good luck, and
whomp that nita woman.

And don't be nervous.

Why should i? I'm
just going to court.

[Donkey laugh]

Gosh, he seemed
really wired, didn't he?

Ooh.

Do you know what would be great?

If he could relax
in a nice hot tub.

Carlene!

What?

Well, hey!

Ohh! Gee, we were starting
to worry about you.

How did it go?

I don't want to talk about it.

You said it was open-and-shut.

Y'all lost, didn't you?

I don't want to talk about it,

Because anthony is my friend,

And that is more important

Than the cost of a deep freeze

Plus the courts costs

Plus an entire
wasted day of work

Plus my complete humiliation.

I... I sort of blew it.

Ha ha ha ha! He is so modest.

Baby, you didn't just blow it.

He blew it right
out of the water.

That's what first
attracted me to anthony.

He does everything all the way.

Thanks, baby.

You're welcome.

There I was in
front of the judge

With all this information
at my fingertips,

And I just don't
know what happened.

I'll tell you what happened.

You let loose with that
ridiculous verbal flash flood.

You were like a tower of babble.

I felt if I didn't get everything
out, I'd forget something,

Then I just couldn't
stop talking.

He kept correcting the judge,

Raving on about the magna
carta and edward somebody.

Sir edward coke!

He couldn't believe the
judge didn't know who he was.

Don't we all just say a little
prayer to him every night?

He was the great interpreter
of english mercantile law.

Who cares?

This was supposed to
be about a deep freeze

And some melted meat.

Instead you made it into a
contest to one-up the judge.

It was like you were possessed!

You know what they say.
Possession is 9/10 of the law.

Then the judge asked if he was
trying to show contempt for this court.

He said, "no, your honor. I'm
trying my best to conceal it."

But I'm proud of him. He
remembered to say "your honor."

They held you in contempt?

They put him in a holding
cell until he apologized,

Which took about 90 seconds

Because then he had some
kind of folsom prison flashback

And started yelling
and screaming,

"I'm sorry! I'm
sorry! I'm sorry!"

We don't have to go into that.

All you had to do was
corroborate what I said!

I'm sorry. I blew it, o.k.?
You made your point.

I guess I'm not cut
out to be a lawyer

Or even a witness.

Excuse me.

I'm going to go through a slow,
hideous caffeine withdrawal.

Etienne, I'll be in the car.

[Door slams]

That poor man has been stomped.

Yes, and one of us

Should go out
there and talk to him.

Etienne.

Oh... Well, I guess
I should go out

And cheer him up.

But I must admit
to being reluctant.

I'm not simpatico with the
whole concept of failure.

Excuse me, etienne.

I don't usually intrude on
matters between a husband and wife,

But where I come from,
we stand by our man.

Tammy wynette even
sang a song about it.

I don't mean to att*ck your
character, but aren't you divorced?

Yes, I am.

Tammy also sang
d-i-v-o-r-c-e, o.k.?

Thank you so much
for coming over.

I've tried every dance
routine to get him out of bed,

But nothing is working.

But knowing you, I realize
you are quite the facilitator.

So... I was hoping
you would go in

And facilitate anthony
to getting back into life.

O.k.

Tell him to get
up out of that bed.

Anthony, etienne wants me...

Tell him he's got to pull
himself up by his bootstraps.

You've got to pull...

He's got to go on.

Tell him about the
first time I performed

In the las vegas follies
bergiere and forgot all the lyrics.

I had to sing everything,

"Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah."

Did I quit? No. I kept going.

"Blah, blah, blah, blah,"

With panache, flair.
People were mesmerized.

Tell him that.

Anthony. Blah, blah, blah.

I heard, I heard.

Thank you for coming
over to tell me that.

Now, I'm going to finish off

This pint of cherry garcia.

Oh, that looks good.

Say, anthony,

Just out of idle curiosity,

How long do you
plan to stay like this?

Until ben and
jerry's freezes over.

Well, I've known
you a long time now.

I've seen you go through

Much tougher things than this.

You've always persevered

And been made stronger by them.

Julia, I know you came
over here to talk to me.

Usually I'd say, "you're
right, you're my hero,"

And I'd jump out of this
bed and feel fancy-free.

But not this time.

I like lying here.

It feels good being
miserable right now.

This ice cream is good.

And these talk shows,
they are excellent.

You know what
donahue has on today?

Cross-dressers...

Who ski.

Don't you know how hard that is?

That's fine.

If you feel that way,

Far be it from me to try
to convince you otherwise.

After all, here you are,

Grown man...

In your pajamas...

In the bed...

In the middle of the day...

Eating ice cream.

You certainly don't need me

To tell you how
to live your life.

I do want you to know that...

We all miss you...

And we look forward

To your coming back to work.

But... You just...

Come back whenever
you feel like it.

You listen to me!

Don't let me fail here.

I have my reputation
to think of, too, here.

O.k., If I promise to
come back to work today,

Will you promise not to try to
jolly me out of my depression?

I need to feel depressed. Deal?

Deal.

Julia, julia, is that it?

Girl, you are fierce!

Julia, I don't know what
you said, but anthony's back.

Yeah, and none too soon.

He was fixing to sound like

One of those baby jessica
down the well stories.

Mary jo, I got
something to say to you.

I'm not one to
usually place blame,

But this whole thing
really was your fault.

You belittled anthony
over a used freezer,

And he's in that storeroom
now, and he's hurt.

I don't like to tell
people how to feel,

But if I were you, I'd
feel pretty miserable.

You're... You're...
You're right.

I mean...

So what if I'm out $400?

What am I saying?

$400 Is a lot of money to me!

And it was not my fault.

I mean, he was the one that
went completely overboard.

Mary jo, ordinarily,
I'd hand you my purse

And say, "take the $400."

But you are being so
all-out cranky about this,

I say the hell with ya.

Oh, all right. I'll apologize.

Well, if you'll be
real nice, mary jo,

There's a little blue box
from tiffany's in it for you.

Wait just one minute, b.j.

Every time any one of us

Needs a little encouragement

Or even just casually
wishes for something,

It is ordered,
bought, and delivered

Before we can say
hammacher-schlemmer.

We are not make-a-wish children,

And you're not a
genie in a bottle.

I'm afraid your gift-giving is
bordering on the compulsive.

Well, I think it's sad

That you can't appreciate
a few token gifts

Given by a friend

Who just wants to
share her good fortune.

When I was a little girl,

There was this new
girl, boo boo washburne,

Who moved into the neighborhood.

Every time I visited her

And admired a barbie
outfit or a troll doll,

She'd just give it to me.

I caught on pretty quick.

Pretty soon, my
mother discovered

My room was just
loaded with loot.

So my mother explained to me

That maybe boo boo was insecure

Because she was a new girl

And maybe because
her name was boo boo.

Anyway, she made me
give everything back.

After that, boo boo
and I became best friends

For about a year.

Then... Boo boo just
got boring, and...

Well, I hate to admit it.

I'm embarrassed even to
this day to tell you, but...

I think I liked boo
boo a little better

When she was giving me stuff.

Well... Thank you for
your input, mary jo.

I'm sure that lengthy anecdote

Was intended to be helpful.

Yes, I'm sure it was.

Do you think I
buy y'all presents

'Cause I'm trying to
win your friendship?

I don't know. Do you?

Well, I don't like to
overanalyze things,

But it is difficult being
the new kid on the block,

Even if you can buy
and sell the block.

That fact of the matter
is, I just like to buy stuff.

But, hell, if it makes y'all
uncomfortable, I'll stop.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. No.

If it makes you happy,

I will be a little
bit uncomfortable.

O.k.?

I mean, you shouldn't
stop completely.

You know what I'm saying? O.k.

Hi, anthony! How
are you feeling?

You don't have to ask
every time I come out here.

Well, mary jo.

Isn't there something you
want to say to anthony?

Uh, yes.

Anthony, I'm really sorry

That I got so bent out of shape

Over what happened.

You didn't really want
to do it in the first place.

No, it was my fault. I blew it.

Well, that's true.

Did you mean any of
what you just said,

Or did b.j. Promise you
something nice to speak to me?

Yes, but I was going to
anyway, and I did mean it.

What's the big deal?

So I'm out...$400.

Let's split that.
I'll feel better.

O.k.

No, no. I'm not going
to take your money.

Everybody would
make me feel like

I did lab tests on stray cats,

But I really did
egg you on, and...

Well, I appreciate
your effort...

And your offer.

[Knock on door]

Excuse me. I'm looking
for anthony bouvier.

Oh. Well... Th-that's me.

Hello.

Eileen arata.

Arata, defrank and loomis?

Ohh... Well, y-yes.

Nice to meet you.

These are my associates,

Mary jo, uh, carlene,

Julia, and b.j.

I saw you in action at the
courthouse the other day.

You can't disbar
me. I'm not a lawyer.

I may never be a lawyer.

But you should be.
You'd be good at it.

You might have been a little
out of line and overzealous,

But your research
was impeccable.

And you have something
the law books can't give you.

Passion.

Call me when you pass
your bar, and we'll talk.

O.k.

I can do that.

O.k.

I have an appointment,

But I'm so glad I
tracked you down.

Mrs. Poteet.

Bye-bye.

Hey... Did y'all
hear what she said?

I've got passion!

Ha ha ha!

Yes, I did.

So, how much did you
pay her to say that?

What are you talking about?

I introduced everyone
by their first name,

But somehow she knew
you were mrs. Poteet.

Ohh. You are going
to be a good lawyer.

B.j., You cannot buy
me out of this bad mood.

Well, I didn't try. Honest.

All right. Maybe arata,
defrank and loomis

Are of counsel to
poteet industries,

But all...

But all I did was mention

She might want to go
down to the courthouse

And check out a promising
law student. Honest.

So whatever he said, he
said of his own accord, right?

Absolutely.

I'm going to choose
to believe this

Because I need to
snap out of this.

My wife is trying to
cheer me up to death.

Y'all are a tough group,

And I'm not going to buy
any of you anything again...

Unless it's your birthday...

Or christmas.

And, you know,

I always did like a
good arbor day present.

[Knock on door]

Excuse me.

I'm from aqua concepts.

I've got your grecian
spa and hot tub.

Hot tub? Oh, yes! All right!

Ooh. That's one I forgot about.